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WWE Superstars Recap for September 10, 2009

Greetings, readers, I’m is back again, despite the fact that it feels like a garden gnome is trying to stab his way out of my abdomen with a screwdriver and the fact that I just had my house painted and it looks like a cyclone hit it, I’m going to tough it out and write my typically hilarious and clever recap of WWE’s throwaway show! Before we get to the action, I realize that I didn’t do my weekly feature, “Great” Scott’s Recommendation of the Week, last week. That being the case, I’ll give you two quick recommendations this week.

First, I cracked out a DVD that I’ve owned for a while, but haven’t had a chance to watch–Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story. I saw the movie in the theater, and it was actually just as funny the second time. You’ll get more of the jokes if you’ve seen Walk the Line or Ray, but it’s still a really funny movie. John C. Reily is a great singer and a super-underrated actor. I highly recommend the movie.

My second recommendation is for any of you travelling to Florida. Make it a point to go to SeaWorld. It’s not as flashy as Disney World or Busch Gardens, but they have two great coasters, plenty of shade and good food, and some really clever shows. I’m also a big fan of walruses and sea lions; we have the same body shape.

It looks like my abdomen isn’t going to be the only thing in pain tonight, as my head starts to throb and my eyes start to bleed because the opening match is…

Kane vs. Jimmy Wang Yang

Good ole’ Jimmy doesn’t look too thrilled to be fighting the Non-Selling Machine…I don’t blame ya’, Jim. Jimmy tries to use some speed to start…and hits some kicks before Kane delivers a boot to his face. Kane punches and stomps Yang in the corner, then smashes him into the opposite corner. Kane follows with a slow-mo punch and a plodding elbow drop. He then whips out his “new” offense with a seated dropkick. A Dino Bravo side slam follows. Kane signals for the chokeslam and hits it for the three count and an end to my misery.

Winner: Kane

Rating:

I realize we’re trying to sell Kane as a badass for his match with Kahli, but you couldn’t let Yang get a couple of moves in? At least let him whiff on his moonsault.

After I typed that last line, Kane got a Singapore cane out and hit some of the weakest shots on Jimmy Wang Yang that I’ve ever seen. Todd Grisham tells us to look at the welts on JWY’s back, which are real easy to see considering the ENTIRE ARENA IS FILLED WITH RED LIGHT AND KANE’S RED FRICKING PYRO!! Ya’ dumbass!

I tried thinking of something clever to say about the commercials, but motor oil and pain relievers aren’t all that funny. I did get to see my favorite freecreditreport.com commercial. I still can’t figure out if I want to see Surrogate yet…

Why do I want to save money with Geico if the money is only going to annoy the shit out of me by hitting me with basketballs, shining lights in my face, and crimping the hose when I’m vacuuming my car? Next, we’re treated to a video package for John Cena and Randy Orton. Sweet Jesus, just put the stupid strap back on Cena until he has to make another shitty movie that 43 people go to see!!

Let’s jump right back into the thick of things with another match…shall we?

Sheamus vs. Yoshi Tatsu

No Goldust? Thank God! Tatsu starts the match with a headlock. Some chain wrestling leads to an arm drag by the Asian. Sheamus retorts by slapping Yoshi, but the Asian warrior fights back, eventually sending the Irishman out of the ring. Yoshi tries to follow up, but Sheamus trips him up and sends him back inside. Sheamus hits an elbow drop, and then starts to lay into Tatsu with some knees and a chinlock. Yoshi almost fights out, but is thrown to the mat. Sheamus continues to work the back, but Yoshi fights up again. Sheamus sends Yoshi to the corner and hits a shoulderblock to the back. He follows up with a suplex and a pin attempt. Sheamus clubs the back, but Yoshi hits a flip kick followed by more kick-heavy offense and a small package for a 2.5 count. Some chops and a spinning wheel kick get a 2.643 count for Yoshi. Sheamus tries to fight back with a knee and a charge, but meets with a spin kick instead. Sheamus, not one to be outdone, hits a bicycle kick that looks pretty wicked. Sheamus hits his Rock Bottom-back breaker combo for the win.

Winner: Sheamus

Rating:

I can’t really complain about that match. It was a little short, but it wasn’t terrible. It was about as average as a match can get.

I wonder if I can call KGB and ask them rhetorical questions…hmmmmm.

So help me god if Domino’s takes those crappy pasta bread bowls to Italy to fool real Italians…I’ll boycott them just like I boycott Pizza Hut.

Did you know that WWE Superstars was the number one show on WGN all last week? Considering WGN only plays Cubs games, Cosby Show reruns, and about a dozen other shows that were made in the 80s, I’m reeeeeally not all that surprised. That would be like me being proud of beating a Down’s syndrome kid at Trivial Pursuit.

Things are looking up, as the next match is…

Katie Lea Burchill (looking smokin’ hot) vs. Nikki Bella (looking like the other Bella)

Fun fact: There are as many female face tag teams as male tag teams. Actually, that’s a kinda’ sad fact. The women lock up, with Katie Lea getting monkey flipped early. Katie Lea tries a charge, but is sunset flipped. The Bella follows up with a sloppy takedown. She tries to follow up with a cross body, but Katie Lea catches her and slams her to the mat with a move that looks like the move Sheamus just did crossed with the move Rosey used to do. Katie breaks out some typical heel offense followed by a backbreaker and a chinlock. The other Bella annoys me with her cheering and continuously pointing out that Katie Lea is pulling her sister’s hair. The Bella sneaks up and tries for a pin, but is quickly picked up and Samoan dropped by Burchill. Two pins attempts can’t get it done. Katie Lea mocks both Bellas, then lands a couple of punches. The creative team at WWE then phones it in as Katie Lea falls prey to the same exact sequence she always does as the Bellas switch places as the ref’s back is turned. Brie hits a flying cross body off the top to get the win.

Winner: The Bellas

Rating:

I’m only giving this one Doc brown because I would feel bad not giving Katie Lea something….the Bellas were absolute crap. They should stick to showing off prizes on gimmick episodes of RAW.

JOCKEYS CAN KILL NINJAS!!!

The girl in the Just for Men commercial seems like the sweetest daughter EVER!

Pro Caulk is better than Amateur Caulk…true in both hardware and porno.

Legacy video package…I haven’t eaten dinner, so I’m going to enjoy a meatloaf sandwich while this crap plays.

Next, we have a video package for C.M. Punk vs. The Undertaker. I’m not going to bother with this either…this meatloaf sandwich is delicious.

I’m done with my sandwich in time to see Dolph Ziggler preening in the mirror. He’s up NEXT!

I like how the learning channel has educational shows like L.A. Ink and Policewomen of Broward County. Sesame Street and Mister Roger’s Neighborhood they are not.

We’re back, and the next match is set to start.

Dolph Ziggler vs. Grand Master Sexay, Version 1.2 (Slam Master J)

Doesn’t the WWE know that a white guy who acts like a black guy will NEVER get ov…errr, well, maybe Slam Master Jay can star in 12 Rounds, Part II. Quick start by SMJ with a series of arm wrenches. Ziggler fights out, but is quickly clotheslined back down. More arm wringers by SMJ, but Ziggler punches his way out. Ziggler is whipped to the corner, but SMJ can’t capitalize. Dolph sends him to the floor, but quickly brings him back in for a pin attempt that gets 2.154. Ziggler swings some more punches and follows with a neck breaker that gets 2.484. A big leaping elbow from Ziggler is followed by another pin attempt. Ziggler clamps on a chin lock as the two VERY WHITE announcers try to use all the Ebonics they know. Man, Ziggler has had this hold on forever…okay, finally, SMJ gets out, but is sent to the corner. He boots a charging Ziggler, and then hits some clotheslines and a charging elbow to get a 2.543 count. Ziggler stops the momentum COLD with a jaw breaker and follows with a leaping reverse bulldog for the three count.

Winner: Dolph Ziggler

Rating:

The timing of some of the moves seemed off and Jesse’s move set was essentially limited to clotheslines and arm wringers, but this match wasn’t too offensive. I feel bad for Jesse, because he’s got some charisma…he’s just stuck with some lousy gimmicks. It doesn’t really help that he’s not really all that great a wrestler, either.

I want to bowl with some cavemen. Cavemen are natural bowlers; remember Fred Flintstone? He had mad bowling skills.

Legacy has to beat DX to get to the top? Enjoy the view from the bottom, fellas’!!

Now, it’s time for the main event.

Jack Swagger and The Miz (The Douchebag Duo) vs. Kofi Kingston and Primo Colon (The Caribbean Connection)

Wow, when Swagger is the LESSER dickhead in a duo, you know you’re seeing something special.

Man, I like this face tandem. They’re both entertaining. This should be a pretty good match…but I won’t get my hopes up yet. We’re going to start with Kofi and Jack…which sounds like a tropical drink. A headlock and some Irish whips to start, followed by some power moves by Swagger. Unfortunately for Jack, Kofi whips out the speed and hits a dropkick. He tags in Primo, who hits a nice leg sweep. Swagger tries to regain control, but eats boot on a corner charge and then a top rope dropkick. Swagger sends Primo to the corner. Primo tries to fight back, but is gut bustered and powerbombed by Swagger. It looks like Swagger is going to get the pin early, but Kofi makes the save. Jack tags in The Miz, who chokes Primo on the ropes. The Miz hits a running kick, and then locks in a chinlock/camel clutch hold. Primo fights out and takes down Miz, but Miz retaliates on Primo and pops Kofi on the apron for good measure. Unfortunately for the reality star, that gives Primo a chance to hit a side Russian leg sweep and tag to Kingston, who comes in like a house of fire with a dropkick and a leap to the corner. Swagger tries to get involved, but is scared off by the Jamaican. Kingston hits a leaping clothesline on the Miz, but Miz is saved by Swagger from the dreaded BOOM BOOM BOOM double leg drop. However, the heel party doesn’t last long, as the faces both dive to the outside. Back in the ring, Kofi hits a flying cross body, but doesn’t get the win. More chicanery by Swagger allows The Miz to hit his finisher (a reverse Russian leg sweep…I think it’s called The Mike Check) for the win.

Man, poor Primo just can’t catch a break.

Winners: The Miz and Jack Swagger

Rating:

The match was actually pretty good. It was slightly better than average. It was more like a 2.8, but I’ll round up out of the goodness of my heart.

1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award: The main event was perfectly acceptable.

The Biff Tannen Butthead Award: I thought it was dumb when the Conquistadors did it; I still think it’s dumb when the Bellas do it. The tag team switch-a-roo is weak. Also, the Kane squash flat out sucked.

That’s about it for me, folks. Have a “great” week!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).