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“Great” Scott’s WWE Superstars Recap for September 3, 2009

Welcome, one and all, to the tenth anniversary of “Great” Scott’s Superstars Recap! Unfortunately, I drank all the McDonald’s orange punch and ate all the cake…and all of the special guests I invited didn’t RSVP…I really thought the ShamWOW, the chick who played Blossom, and Bastion Booger were a lock…oh, well.

We learn pretty quickly that the main event is The Hart Dynasty vs. Cryme Tyme in a mixed tag match. Since Cryme Tyme is the only face tag team (except for the once or twice a year DX gets together to win a match), I guess any tag match has to involve them.

We’re going to start the show with…

Evan Bourne vs. Chris Masters

Oh man…I’m only hoping the matches get better from here. I feel bad for Evan Bourne, who’s probably going to have to sell like Curt Hennig for Master’s limited offense. Let’s see how this goes. Masters starts with some taunts and a shove…Bourne retorts with a kick. Masters takes control with a knee and some basic offense. He tries to follow up with a hip toss, but Bourne flips out and tries a drop toehold. Since Masters has the strength of a GOD, he won’t go down, and beats on Bourne instead. Masters can’t capitalize on a corner charge, so Bourne elbows and kicks him. Masters reverses the momentum by hitting a clothesline and a legdrop to the midsection. Evan moves out of the way of a second legdrop, and then hits a missile drop kick after being sent to the apron. Bourne, however, can’t follow up, as Masters hit a short arm clothesline (Clothesline Count = 2) and some mounted punches. Masters fires Bourne into the ropes, but puts his head down, which allows Bourne to get some offense in. Unfortunately, Masters is the big sloth, so he quickly regains the momentum by elbowing a charging Bourne. A stomp by Masters is followed by a clubbing blow, a forearm to the back, and some punches. Masters posses, kicks Bourne, and then hits a backbreaker that he turns into a submission hold. I must admit, this doesn’t suck as much as a Masters match typically does. Bourne fights out of a second backbreaker attempt with a head scissors. He tries to go to the top rope, but Masters grabs him and looks to hit a press slam that he turns into another back breaker. That was actually a pretty good move for Masters. Since Masters is probably dead tired after hitting two non-rest holds in a row, we go to commercial.

Get Vonage and you’ll trip out and everything will be upside down…I didn’t even understand that commercial. I might have to be stoned next time.

Is there any college mascot that’s more stupid than an aardvark? Yes, the Morristown Anal Monkeys.

Man, I really cannot figure out if this Surrogates movie is any good or not. It essentially looks like a cross between I, Robot and The Matrix.

We’re back, and Chris Masters shows he essentially is a clone of Lex Luger, as he has a torture rack locked on. Bourne elbows his way into a sunset flip attempt that Masters thwarts with a double-hand choke throw to the corner. He follows with some kicks, a knee and a double axe handle to the back. Taunts follow, and then Masters clamps on another backbreaker submission. Bourne truly looks like a twelve-year old getting beaten up by the captain of a high school football team. Bourne tries to fight out, and manages to escape by bouncing/flipping off the top rope. Unfortunately, that leads to a Masters clothesline (Clothesline Count = 3). A Bourne small package almost gets the three count on Masters. Bourne continues to fight back with a flurry of kicks and punches that he follows with a hurricanrana and a seated clothesline to get 2.543. Bourne locks on a front face lock, but Masters sends him to the corner. Bourne tries for a cross body, but he’s caught. Masters tries for a Masterlock, but Bourne is a slippery snake and escapes. Masters tries for a corner charge, but hits nothing but ring post. Bourne follows up with a knee to the dome, and then heads to the top for the AirBourne, which gets three.

Winner: Evan Bourne

Rating:

Okay, that was probably overly generous, but the match wasn’t too terrible. Masters’ matches should be kept a little shorter…you can only do so many clotheslines in a match. The longer the match, the more limited you can see Masters’ move set is.

William Regal is in the back and he’s walking in a most devious fashion. He’s flanked by two stereotypes we’re taught to fear: a Russian and a black buy. Good job promoting tolerance, Vinnie Mac. We should get the Iron Shiek and Niccolai Volkov involved in this group.

I think the following matches should be on the Rise and Fall of WCW DVD:

Van Hammer vs. Zan Panzer

Oz vs. John Finch

P.N. News vs. Buddy Lee Parker

The Giant vs. Roadblock

Arachnaman vs Doug Sommers

The Ding Dongs vs. George South and Cougar Jay

You can find all of these mat classics on YouTube! You’re welcome!

Well, potential match quality is certainly improving, as our next match is…

William Regal vs. Tyler Reks

A lockup starts the proceedings, with Reks controlling by working the arm. Regal sends him to the corner, but doesn’t break clean. A Regal whip to the corner is reversed by Reks. Regal cowers in the corner, so the ref sends Reks away, but he stays on the offensive, hitting an old school bodyslam by Reks. Regal tries to fight back, but Reks actually dodges a European uppercut (the hell?) and hits a delayed suplex. After a pin attempt, Reks hits a shot, but can’t follow up. Regal regains control and begins to stomp away. Regal goes to the outside for no particular reason and lands more punches. Regal sends Reks to the ropes and hits an elbow, and then locks in a modified full nelson. Reks escapes, but Regal knees him in the gut and actually connects with a European uppercut. Reks escapes a side headlock, then manages to get a backslide into a 0.65 count. Regal regains control with a half nelson (I think)…it’s hard to tell what hold Regal has on, as it’s covered with Reks’ hair. Reks escapes with some punches, but Regal sends him to the outside. Reks fights back with a stun gun over the ropes, but misses a follow-up springboard body block off the top rope. Regal hits the running knee lift to the temple for a three count.

Winner: William Regal

Rating:

This match was closer to the three Doc Browns than the previous match. There really wasn’t a lot of strategy or psychology…and the match should’ve gotten more time than the first one.

After the match, the two evil stereotypes in red take turns hitting their finishers on Reks.

FreeCreditReport.com has pretty much the best commercials going.

Do you think they dug the hole for Billy Mays’ coffin with the Awesome Auger? I’m probably going to hell for that question…

Before we return to action, we get a video package for the unified tag team champions, Big Show and Chris Jericho. They tout their qualifications, which sort of rings hollow considering these two can’t seem to win two matches in a row. They should make this team seem unbeatable so you can at least put a semi-credible team against DX. I mean, Show and Jericho have won a lot of belts and should be as dominant as Yokozuna and Owen Hart used to be…but that’s logic and Vince McMahon treats logic like the plague.

The RAW Rebound is next…I’m not going to recap it because I already had to sit through it once. It kinda’ sucked the first time, and didn’t get better with age. I still think Cody Rhodes looked like RoboCop after Randy RKO’d his dad…Vince should’ve come out and said, “Randy, YOU’RE FIIIIIRED!!” Cody would’ve said “Thank You,” and shot Randy in the head. Oh well, a boy can dream, can’t he?

It’s time for tonight’s main event!!

Cryme Tyme and Eve vs. The Hart Dynasty (D.H. Smith, Tyson Kidd, and Natalya)

Since this match is going to be straight up EPIC, we get time to prepare ourselves with some commercials.

Animal Planet is jumping on the “funny video” train about ten years too late…

ProCaulk…the jokes just write themselves.

The Hart Dynasty gets some pretty audible boos as they head to the ring. Damn you, talented Canadians!! JTG and Kidd start, but Kidd quickly tags to Smith, who overpowers JTG and flexes. Chain wrestling ends with a Smith takedown. Smith follows up with some knees, but JTG fights back, mocks Smith, and then hits a drop kick. JTG can’t follow up, though, as Smith catches him in a cross body and slams him, allowing for some more pounding. JTG fights back by kicking Smith into the corner and hitting his leaping head slam. JTG tags to Shad, and the two whip each other around until they crush Smith. Shad goes for his STO-esque finisher, but he can’t hit it. Smith tags to Nattie, which means Eve needs to come in. Sadly, Nattie needs to sell for Eve, but Nattie escapes and hits a pretty cool move in the corner, slamming Eve’s head to the mat. Nattie follows the move with a pounding and an abdominal stretch. Eve escapes and tags to Shad. Kidd comes in, dropkicks the knee, and starts pound Shad. Shad sorta’ back body drops Kidd about 12 feet in the air, but Kidd (amazingly) lands on his feet and hits a spin kick to the gut on Shad. Despite the beating, Shad manages to tag JTG, who hits a slingshot shoulderblock over the top rope (nice!). Kidd manages to tag to Smith, but keep his opponent’s attention long enough for smith to come in to hit a chop block to the back of the knee. We head to the outside as we head to commercials.

Technically, it was OVER 300 years ago when 300 took place…dumbass. I don’t think there were Spartans in 1709.

Brain farts lead to verbal diarrhea.

Undertaker gets a title shot after winning (participating in) how many matches? Whatever.

We’re back, and Smith has an interesting half crab locked in with a boot in JTG’s face. Smith tags to Kidd and the two hit a wishbone. Another quick tag back to Smith, then another to Kidd. JTG tries to fight back, but Kidd locks on an anklelock and stomps the leg. JTG moves out of the way of an elbow. Kidd grabs the leg and drags him back to the Canadian corner, but JTG can’t make the tag as Smith is tagged back in. He locks on another ankle lock, but JTG escapes and tags in Shad. The big man hits some shots and prevents Kidd from coming in. He stuns smith on the top rope, then hits a shoulder block off the second rope to get 2.675.

Gaspar hits the STO, but Smith tags Nattie in the middle of the move. Eve has to come back in, and again, Nattie has to sell. However, Eve actually doesn’t look too bad as she hits a nice dropkick and a standing flippy senton. Kidd breaks up the three count, but is ruined by the faces for his troubles. Eve hits a sweet kick, but can’t follow up. Nattie hits a spinning clothesline to get the three count.

Winners: The Hart Dynasty

Rating:

I would’ve given an extra half Doc Brown if it wasn’t for one of the woman making the pin…are the two women going to be in a feud anytime soon? Didn’t think so. Otherwise, the match was really good, fast-paced stuff.

1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award: The main event was really good.

Biff Tannen Butthead Award: Nothing was really horrible: I wish the second match had gotten more time than the first match…but that’s really it.

So, that’s about it for me. I’ve lasted 10 recaps; I hope you wonderful folks are around for at least 10 more!! Have a good Labor Day! “Great” Scott OUT!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).