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WWE Superstars Recap for August 27, 2009

Hello, sports entertainment fans! Welcome back to “Great” Scott’s WWE Superstars recap. This week on ECW, I learned that one of my favorite wrestlers ever, The Hurricane, will be taking on Paul Burchill tonight. That makes me happy. Most people think The Hurricane is a goof, but he has provided me with more than a few chuckles over the years. When he told The Rock, “I have my Hurri-powers, bee-yoch,” I almost wet myself laughing…or because I have irritable bowel syndrome…or both. You can take a look at the classic exchange here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xzky0OAghHQ 

Before we get to this week's trifecta of awesome matches, let me make "Great" Scott's Recommendation of the Week. Unfortunately, I can't recommend Inglorious Basterds as highly as I recommended District 9. Don't get me wrong, Basterds was a pretty good movie, but it didn't quite meet my lofty expectations…the pace just seemed a bit off. My actual recommendation will be Batman: Arkham Asylum. I've only played it for about two hours, but it is a blast thus far. Some of the riddles kinda' hamper the momentum, but the story is awesome and Mark Hamill as The Joker is gold.

We learn instantly that we’re getting a three-way match for an IC title shot at Breaking Point…

But, first, we’re going to see…

Jack Swagger (with the most random entrance antics ever) vs. Primo Colon (with no chance in hell of winning)

Primo flips around a bit to start. The crowd starts in early with a "Primo" chant. Go behinds and a takedown by Swagger lead to an armlock. Primo is back up with an elbow, but is quickly taken back down. Primo leaps out of an arm wringer and starts to hit some speedy kicks to get a two count. More kicks and an arm bar from Primo. Swagger sends Primo back to the corner and commences to put a beating on him. A head scissors and some crazy antics by Primo give him some momentum, but Swagger catches him and hits a modified German suplex. Captain Jack sends Primo to the corner and quickly follows up with the Vader second rope splash that actually hits!! Wow! Swagger follows up with…some push-ups? He must be hanging out with Scott Steiner, "Jack Swagger is your hookup…LISP IF YA' HEAR ME!"

Swagger rolls Primo around with a go-behind bear hug…and Primo gets another chant! We must have a large Puerto Rican contingent in the house. Primo tries to escape with a takeover, but I think he messed up, so they're going to stay with the bearhug. Primo breaks loose with elbows, then hits some punches and a kick. Unfortunately, he whiffs on a clothesline and gets caught in an abdominal stretch. Michael Cole earns his paycheck by telling us that the abdominal stretch is a submission move. Very astute commentary, Michael. Primo starts to seizure, and then tries to reverse, the submission hold (Thanks, Mr. Cole), but Swagger sends him outside…well, sort of. Primo hangs on to the ropes, so Swagger elbows Primo to the floor. This gives us a perfect opportunity to see some commercials.

Great quote from the Gamer movie, "You need to cut your strings, you dig? That’s ludicrous.

Why buy a TV for $1,000 when you can rent one for nine years at $29.99 a month!?! “Magic” Johnson wouldn’t lie to you? Would he?

The chocolate lava in that Domino's cake looks like excrement…yum! I don't even want to know what the "crunch" is…

We’re back, with a biiiiiiiig back body drop by Swagger, who follows up with a double chicken wing…and MORE chants for Primo!! Primo escapes another back body drop attempt with a sunset flip, but Swagger regains control with a slingshot to the corner. More posturing from Swagger, who goes for the second rope splash AGAIN. This time, he misses…surprise. Both men are down, but Primo manages to get to the top rope and hit a Tatanka (buffalo) chop. Primo starts to gain the edge with some clotheslines, flips, and a dropkick. A second rope cross body by Primo gets a 2.5 count. A side Russian leg sweep by Primo gets 2.6. Swagger decides he's allowed this jobber to get in enough offense and hits a belly to belly suplex. Swagger tries for the Doctor Bomb, but Primo blocks it into a pin attempt. Swagger gets pissed and pounds Primo in the corner. Swagger whips Primo to the opposite corner, but the former tag champ gets his boots up to kick Swagger. Primo tries to follow up with a move off the top rope, but Swagger moves, causing Primo to tweak his knee, which doesn't really make any sense since Swagger had been working the back and abdomen the whole match. Primo's injury allows Swagger to hit a pretty wicked looking clothesline to the back of Primo's dome. Swagger gets the gutwrench powerbomb to work the second time for the three.

Winner: Jack Swagger

Rating:

This match was pretty well paced, even the rest holds went by pretty quickly. I might have been a little charitable with the rating, but I'm feeling generous. I probably should've given it 2.5 Doc Browns, especially if Primo would’ve sold the back instead of the knee, but I'll stick with my score.

Swagger takes the mic and says that he was born to be the “United Thhhhhtates Champion.” Okay, he just lost to MVP and now he wants to challenge for a belt?!? Man, the WWE thinks we all have ADD…apparently, everyone and their brother is challenging Kofi Kingston for the U.S. belt…okay.

Now, let’s ask the divas where they would go on their ideal date. Man, Beth Phoenix is amazing looking when she tries to look like a woman. Dear God, Mickie, Beth, and Gail Kim….I’ll be right back.

Okay, what’d I miss?!? And why are my fingers sticking to the keyboard?

The next question is, "What signs should I look for to know a girl likes me?" Well, signs that say “Keep Out” or “No Tresspassing” aren’t good…trust me. I know from experience….err, forget I said that.

YES YES YES….Gregory Helms goes into the boiler room to change into THE HURRICANE!! STAND BACK!!

Remember those commercials when Pizza Hut tried to say they fooled Italians with their crappy pasta? That commercial made me swear off Pizza Hut for good.

Jockeys are COMPLETE BADASSES!!! YEAH!!!!

Hurricane has an AWESOME entrance now!! I’m completely marking out right now. I have a shit-eating grin on my face from ear to ear!! The new, edgier Hurricane looks pretty cool…let’s see if he can actually win two matches in a row…I won’t hold my breath.

The Hurricane vs. Paul Burchill w/ Katie Lea

Hurricane starts quickly with a snapmare and a double chop to the back of the head. A headlock leads to a shoulderblock from Burchill. Hurricane tries for a hip toss, but Burchill blocks it. Hurricane gets Burchill down and hits a stomp to the midsection. Hurricanes sends Burchill to the outside with a clothesline, but misses with a flying cross body. Back in the ring, Burchill clamps on a chinlock. Striker is making my head spin with hero references…there's such a thing as too much, Matt. Burchill hits a wicked neck breaker, but only gets a one count…Matt, STOP with the obscure super hero references!! Burchill locks on a camel-clutch like hold, but the Hurricane uses his super powers to get back up, hits some shots, blocks a turnbuckle smash, and hits some more punches. Hurricane lands a Thesz press, some more punches, a kick, and a straight jacket drop. Burchill stops the advance of the Hurricane by hitting a bicycle kick. He follows it with a suplex attempt that The Hurricane reverses into a neck breaker/back breaker combo. The Hurricane perches the top turnbuckle and launches off for a flying cross body that gets a 2.7 count. Burchill takes a powder, so The Hurricane follows him outside and sends the former pirate back inside the squared circle. Katie Lea (like the evil Cheetara…see, Matt? I can do it, too!) prevents The Hurricane from suplexing Burchill back into the ring. Helms turns his attention to her, and gets stunned over the top rope by Burchill. Burchill rolls up The Hurricane for three. Shit…I should've figured. Maybe Burchill had on some yellow underpants or had some kryptonite in his boot.

Riddle me this readers…What does the WWE's logic and a vacuum cleaner at Richard Gere's house have in common?!? The both SUCK ASS!

Winner: Paul Burchill

Rating:

This match was average, but I’m taking a full Doc Brown away because they can’t even let The Hurricane two G.D. matches in a row!! Burchill needs a push in the tag team division…not in singles!! He's already lost to every damn rookie on the roster!! Okay, I'm calm now.

At Summerslam, CM Punk won the belt. His combine three-time title-holding time is like a week and a half…poor bastard. I guess the Undertaker is coming back for his three-month run at the title, despite being off for eight or nine months. Undertaker vs. CM Punk…hmmmm, I wonder who's going to win that one?

Domino’s still uses dot matrix printers…they suck.

Hmmmm….who would win in a fight, BAD ASS JOCKEYS or GREEK WARRIOR POKER PLAYERS?!? Yes, that sentence did deserve capital letters! The winner of that match will take on the winner of the accountants vs. the dog groomers!

Did you know that WWE will create more hours of original TV than some other networks I didn’t catch because they quickly switched to a video package for The Undertaker? Man, WWE really has a loose definition of the word “original.”

For a change, we’re going to get Jeff Hardy vs. CM Punk on Smackdown!!

Speaking of change, it’s time for the main event, with guys that have fought each other about 200 times!!

Dolph Ziggler vs. Mike Knox vs. Finlay

Hey, Ziggler’s chewing gum! Man, can’t the WWE just call him Mr. Perfect v. 1.3? Dolph’s on the mic to tell us that Rey’s win at SummerSlam was a fluke. (What about the victory before that? Never mind.) Nice leopard print gloves, Dolph! Mike Knox must have to get the knots out of his delicious beard, because we need to go to some commercials!

Oh boy….WM 25 will be on TV!! I think there were like two good matches on that card. The most memorable moment I had was watching the Undertaker totally screwing up that dive over the top rope on Shawn Michaels.

Okay, this is my first recap of a three-way, so I’ll try to keep up.

Finlay starts out by challenging both men, and cleverly lures Ziggler outside to knock him strait out. Knox outsmarts Finlay (???) and whips him to the corner for an avalanche, which he follows up with a powerslam for a 1.9 count. Ziggler makes the save, but is avalanched by Knox for his trouble. Finlay recovers and clotheslines Knox over the top rope. Finlay stupidly goes after Knox instead of the much smaller Ziggler, but Ziggler tries to interject with a baseball slide kick. Finlay switches up his offense (sarcasm) by catching Dolph in the apron sign and beating him senseless. Knox dispatches Finlay and takes over beating on Ziggler. Finlay tries to sneak into the scene and steal the pin, but is beaten by Knox. Knox “dominates" for a few seconds with his myriad stomps, but is dropkicked by Ziggler, who is rewarded by Finlay to the tune of a pair of European uppercuts. Finlay follows up with a wicked clothesline to get 2.1 count. Finlay lays in a forearm, but Ziggler gets a second wind and hits a few shots before Finlay busts loose with a short arm clothesline and pin attempt for a 1.3 count. Finlay sets Ziggler on the top turnbuckle. The two scuffle, punctuated by a Finlay headbutt. Knox wages up and hits an electric chair drop on Finlay. Ziggler tries to get in on the action by hitting a sooooooper high Alabama Jam ala Bobby Eaton, but he misses his target. Since all three men are down, let’s go to commercial, shall we?

"Tuscani" is Italian for “only slightly better than Stouffer’s.” Really!

My wife’s boobs are like coconuts…not because of their size, but because of the amount of hair on them…

I might stand outside of Gamer and pay people $10 to NOT see it.

With the final commercials out of the way, we return to see Mike Knox boot Ziggler’s nog off and then hit some knees. Finlay comes in to get a little more of that, or not. Man, Knox’s domination consists of lots of slow stomping. Ziggler is back up to hit some moves on Knox, but he can’t hit a DDT. Finlay comes over to lend a hand, helping Ziggler land a double DDT. Unfortunately, the alliance doesn't last long, because the two start to fight over the cover. Finlay tosses Ziggler and goes to work on Knox, punctuating his attack with the awesome butt splash for a 2.1 count. Some kicks, elbow drops, and another pin get a 2.79 count. Finlay hits a seated dropkick on Ziggler, who was trying to get back in the ring. Finlay sends Ziggler back first into the apron, but Knox reemerges to hits some more crappy moves. Ziggler tries to punch his way out, but Knox shoves him away, and tosses him back in. Knox gets kicked by Finlay, but a whip to corner causes Ziggler to clunk heads with Finlay. Knox does a double cross body block (because he has THAT MUCH body) but can’t capitalize. Dolph busts out a Fame-asser-esque leg drop to the back of Knox’s head, but Finlay jumps back into the fray and hits his rolling forward slam. Ziggler escapes and tries a Stinger Splash, but totally Dolphs it. Finlay clamps on an armlock, but Knox boots him and double underhook suplexes Ziggler. Finlay reinserts himself in the match, but he looks pooped (or confused about what to do next). Knox, who is passed out in the corner, grabs the shillelagh, but like He-Man's sword, Knox can't use it correctly since it's not his. Finlay hoists Knox into the Celtic Cross and hits it, but Ziggler tosses Finlay to the ringpost and steals the pin. Really? Again? Man, Knox’s beard is going to need some crazy brushing after this.

Winner: Dolph Ziggler

Rating: A completely acceptable match, even though I don’t agree with the outcome. Finlay vs. Rey would at least be a little different…actually, it really wouldn't…I give up.

1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award: The Hurricane rules…I don’t care if they job him out again. Also, the Swagger/Colon match wasn't too bad.

Biff Tannen Butthead Award: Logic took a back seat tonight, as Swagger lost at SummerSlam and thinks he’s a contender for a belt he can’t pronounce properly, the returning Hurricane loses to a perennial loser (who should really be part of William Regal’s camp, not winning matches against guys who SHOULD be getting a push), and Dolph Ziggler gets ANOTHER shot at Rey Mysterio…while Evan Bourne gets nothing.

That’s about it for me…I’ll see you all next week for my landmark 10th edition of the Superstars Recap!! There will be cake and McDonald’s orange punch for everyone!! There might even be some guest stars stopping by….I'm out!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).