WWE Superstars Recap for August 20, 2009
Welcome back, loyal readers, for another addition of “Great” Scott’s WWE Superstars Recap. Intrepid reporter that I am, I went to WWE.com and discovered that tonight, I’m going to get sit through FOUR matches!! I’m sure that means we’re going to get four well-thought-out, psychological, story-advancing mat classics…or not.
Before we get to the smorgasbord of awesomeness, I’m going to hit you kind folks with the “Great” Scott Recommendation of the Week.
Since the WWE is throwing in a bonus match this week, I’ll throw in a bonus recommendation. First, do yourself a favor and see District 9. It’s a pretty amazing flick. It starts as a fictional documentary, turns into a comedy, changes to a drama, and ends as a crazy-cool action flick. I could pick a few nits, but I’m not going to bother. I give it a 9.5 out of 10. My other recommendation is The Partner by John Grisham. It’s not a very face-paced read, but I found myself wanting to keep going to see how everything played out...it’s a good read.
Okay, with that out of the way…let’s see how I’m going to waste an hour of my Thursday night!! We’re going to start tonight’s festivities with…
Kelly Kelly vs. Beth Phoenix
Kelly Kelly is from Jacksonville…just an hour’s drive from where I grew up. That really was a pretty pointless fact…but I’m too lazy to go back and delete it. Man, both of these women are fantastic looking. The King makes about 12 perverted comments in the first 20 seconds of the program. I’m so glad the worst announcing team is on the WWE’s flagship show. Double K starts by “quickly” moving out of the way of a lockup attempt. Beth catches a Kelly Kelly punch and taunts alliterative diva, but Kelly fights back with a flurry of punches of her own. Kelly gets in a few kicks, but she escapes again, and then manages to escape a back slide in a nifty spot. Kelly Kelly busts out a flying head scissors, which officially gives her a larger move set than 75% of the WWE men’s roster. Kelly Kelly sends Beth to the outside, but Beth catches K.K. as she tries for a cross body block off the apron. Beth sets up K.K. for a powerslam, but Kelly escapes. Beth is sent back into the ring, but she stuns K.K. over the middle rope and follows that up with a slingshot into the bottom rope. A Phoenix pin gets a 2.49 count. Beth unloads with a kick and some elbows. Kelly punches herself free, so Beth tries to charge in, but misses into another Kelly pin attempt for 2.7. Beth throws some more punches, but misses with a boot and gets caught on ropes. Man, this match has more punches than Kool-Aid!! Beth changes things up by locking in a dragon sleeper. Hey, look, Hulk Hogan and Raymond Stereo are in the from row!! Okay, maybe they’re not the REAL Hulk and Rey. Anyway, Kelly escapes the dragon sleeper with…MORE PUNCHES. Kelly Kelly locks on another flying head scissors to send Beth down. K.K. lands some forearm shots, but is sent to the corner. Beth tries to follow up, but Kelly hits her as she approaches. A cross body block from K.K. gets a 2.72 count. K.K. hits a dropkick (that Bob Holly would NOT Be proud of), and then tries to rally the crowd (to mild success). She goes for her flipping elbow, but Beth kinda’ catches it (I think that spot got screwed up). Kelly reverses whatever Beth was trying to do into pin for 2.31 count. The ref tells Beth she needs to end the match because there are three more on the show, so The Glamazon clotheslines Kelly, locks in the double chicken wing, and hits the Glam Slam for the three count.
Winner: Beth Phoenix
This match actually wasn’t that bad…for a divas match. There was actually some psychology in the match, with the speed vs. strength thing, but the match was nothing spectacular and there were a couple of botched spots…so I can’t give it more than two Doc Browns.
Dear God, the main event is Mark Henry vs. Chris Masters…what did I do wrong?
After the match, we’re treated to a SummerSlam commercial. Notice how John Cena has to overact like a maniac during the promo? That’s because there’s a charisma quota for each promo and Orton doesn’t add anything to the total…so Cena’s forced to do double duty.
I can’t really comment on this set of commercials, because they’re pretty much the same as last week…Golden Corral has $10 steaks, Animal Planet is filming people killing whales, and the Water Jet is strong enough to blow your eyebrows right off of your frickin’ face.
Another Did You Know, which I think is the same as last week. More people visit WWE.com than visit some much more popular Web sites. I really don’t care about these stupid facts anymore. Let’s move on to our next match is…
Shelton Benjamin vs. Tyler Reks
Okay, we have two useless sacks of shit in the main event and THIS is second match of the night? Awesome.
Shelton starts with a knee and some punches. Benjamin backs Reks into the corner and nails a kick, but the ref separates them. Way to earn that paycheck, ref! Reks flings some punches and hits a nice arm drag. Shelton fights back with a nice German suplex after Reks misses a corner charge. Reks is sent to the corner with a wicked Irish whip. Shelton gets a .05 count on a pin attempt. Shelton slows down the pace a bit with a camel clutch-like rest hold. Man, these matches are flying by…I’m too fat and slow to even catch up with my recapping. Someone in the front of the crowd wants to paint an alpaca…wow. Reks fights his way free with some punches, but he falls prey to a Samoan drop that gets a 2.02 count for Benjamin. Shelton hits some corner punches, but Reks blocks some of them and hits some punches of his own. Reks (man this would be easier to type if his last name was just Rex for Christ’s sake) is sent to the ropes, but schoolboys Benjamin for a lousy one count. Rex hits a flying clothesline for a two count, but stupidly puts his head down. However, Benjamin even more stupidly runs into a Tyler Reks powerslam. Reks heads to the top rope, but his cross body is reversed into a pin by Benjamin. The ref must give the participants the word that this match needs to end, so Shelton goes for a kick, which is caught by Reks so Shelton can hit his patented spin kick and Paydirt for the three.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin
This match was really too short to be more than average, but it really didn’t do anything wrong. Shelton Benjamin continues to wallow in the mid-card…It sure would be great if there was someone they could tag him up with…someone who was a collegiate wrestler like him…bummer that there’s not anyone else who’s not being used as anything other than a jobber…maybe with a name like Farley Maas…or something like that.
A commercial for the new Rise and Fall of WCW, which I’m sure won’t be stilted at all. I wonder if they’ll interview Russo, Nash, or Hogan…
Another shitty commercial for Quizno’s…then a commercial for poker. I love that people try to glorify a game that’s essentially chance. I also love that all of these “professional” poker players wear hats, glasses, gas masks, gloves, and bullet proof vests. I thought having a good poker face was part of the game. I love playing basketball…I think they should lower my hoop two feet…that’s what I liken it to. I’m still waiting for competitive UNO. I used to love playing that game, and I would KICK ASS in competitive UNO. DRAW TWO, BITCHES!!
Next is a commercial for Gamer. I’m sure this movie will accurately portray the world of video games and virtual reality…or not. I could just see Gerard Butler screaming…THIS IS Q-BERT!!
Next, we have a SummerSlam rundown of Punk vs. Hardy. I hate to admit it, but I actually like the SummerSlam theme song. If I had any credibility, I’m sure it just flew out the window. I like how this is another storyline where people boo the clean-cut, intelligent, or nice guy (like RTC, Bob Backlund, or Simon Dean) and cheer the “rebel.” Remember kids, drug-free = bad guy. Frequent drug user = good guy.
In the back…R-Truth is WALKING! He’s up NEXT!
Ooh ooh..I just remembered that’s it’s getting close to crappy video package time. I wonder which stiff will get the treatment this week. Khali? Festus? Chris Masters? The suspense is killing me…okay, maybe it’s just giving me gas.
I still love FreeCreditReport.com commercials...Put your hands in the air and wave `em around, like a stupid ass frat boy tryin’ to get down! Okay, maybe I ad libbed a bit of that lyric…
Aerosmith’s new album is called Honkin’ on Bobo…which is a game Pat Patterson is known to play with new WWE recruits.
Oh, it’s time for another match, starring a guy who would never make a good tag team partner…
Charlie Haas (with jobber’s intro) vs. R-Truth (with overblown rapping entrance)
WHASSUP? WHASSUP? WHASSUP? WHASSUP!?! I can get with this; I can get with that….I can get with this like Men on a Mission, I can get down with that like a dippitydoo politican…I’m old and white, so I can’t translate most of what R-Truth is saying. My favorite rapper is “Weird Al” Yankovic. Amish Paradise, White and Nerdy, and Confessions Part III are all hits!!
Anyway, poor Charlie is going to lose again, even though he’s got some wicked new tights. A lockup leads to a side headlock by Haas. Haas hits a sweet shoulder block and whips Truth to the ropes. Truth quickly runs through his set of moves (flip out of corner, split under clothesline), hits a scissor kick and some more flippy floppy moves. Haas catches Truth in the middle of a move that I can’t describe and slams him HARD to the mat. I think something different was supposed to happen, but Haas had to improvise. Haas clamps on a half-nelson sorta’ move, but Truth punches out and gets a two count on a sunset flip. Haas hits a boot and locks in a cross face like some guy whose name has been deleted from every WWE document used to do. A good comment from the announce team about contrasting styles, which seems to be the theme of the night. Truth is back up with elbows, and he uses his vast knowledge of physics and momentum to send Haas to the corner. punch from Truth, and another, and two clotheslines. A big hip toss gets a 2.3 count for Truth. Haas boots Truth in gut and then just slams his head into the mat. A biiiiig Lex Luger elbow from Haas misses. Truth hits his flying flippy elbow/forarm thing (The Lie Detector?) and gets the win.
Again, nothing horrible…this would’ve been a three-Doc Brown affair if it were a tad longer, but we just HAD to make time for the complete and utter greatness that is Mark Henry vs. Chris Masters
Remember, kids, don’t try to do what these guys do at home…especially Randy Orton and The Great Khali. Chinlocks and open-hand crappy chops to the head can be hazardous to your health!
Oh, wow, a video package on a guy that DOESN’T suck…well played WWE. I guess Morrison had to get on the show somehow.
On the RAW rebound, we get to see more about HHH and Legacy…I don’t really give a crap, so I’m just going to wait until the greatest main event since Hart and Austin.
Okay, one comment, even though Legacy doesn’t stand a pork chop’s chance at Rosie O’Donnell’s house…I did like DiBiase’s “Yes, we…are…ready.” Nice touch.
Mark Henry vs. Chris Masters
Wow, Mark Henry looks like he’s wearing one of those inflatable sumo suits that you rent for parties when you have no concept of what the word “fun” means. Since Henry is probably beat from his long walk to the ring, it’s time for commercials!
Jesus, I wish Brian would just figure out that the DAMN TOASTER ISN’T REAL!!
Why do I want I want to save money with Geico if the money is going to throw a basketball at me? Bastard money!!
Can you milk a hamster? Just ask Richard Gere!!
Okay, after those rapid fire commercials, it’s time to get to the action.
Man, this is going to be a technical masterpiece (no pun intended). Let’s get this over with…I want some ice cream. The two “hosses” lock up…and Henry shoves off Masters. Masters calls for a test of strength, but hits some kicks and punches instead. He tries for a slam, but that doesn’t work. Henry fights back with some clubbing blows and hits a slam. Masters is sent back to the corner, but the ref separates them…wow, the refs are on the BALL tonight. Masters with a go behind and some punches. Masters tries for his second stupid move of the night, a suplex, which is reversed by Mizark. Henry hits a headbutt and a hip toss out of the corner. Masters boots a charging Henry, and then tries for the Masterlock, proving he’s the stupidest man on the planet. More punches from masters. Chris bounces off the ropes, but is clotheslined by henry. Mark Henry positions Masters for a splash, but Masters moves. Masters hits some kicks, then lands a leg drop for a two count. There must be a Mark Henry reunion in town, because we get a Mark Henry chant. Masters drapes Henry on the apron, and drops an elbow off apron to Henry’s head. Master is back in the ring with a chinlock. I just noticed that Mark Henry looks like the red M&M from the commercial. Masters must think that Henry has shrunk during the match, as he goes for Masterlock AGAIN. It doesn’t work (No shit?!?), so Masters is clotheslined and avalanched by Henry. Henry tries for a slam, but Masters elbows out and tries to lock on THE F’ING MASTERLOCK AGAIN!!! IT ISN’T GOING TO WORK, DUMBASS! Masters gives up and hits some punches and a clothesline. Masters goes off the ropes, into the waiting arms of Henry for the World’s Strongest Slam. Masters gets his arm around the rope at the 2.89 count. Masters crawls out of the ring…and decides to haul ass IN THE F’ING MAIN EVENT!!!
Winner: Mark Henry (by count out)
This match would’ve gotten two Doc Browns…but I’m taking one away on principle. Chris Masters can’t do a clean job to a guy that you’re supposedly pushing? F’ that!!
1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award: Ummmmm…man, this one is a tough one. I would’ve said the fact that there were four matches, but none of them were better than average. If I was held at gunpoint and was forced to say something, I guess the Shelton Benjamin/Tyler Reks match was above passable.
Biff Tannen Butthead Award: If you don’t know what wins this, you’re as stupid as a guy who tries to put a full nelson on a six foot wide black guy four times in one match.
That’s about it for me…I hope you all have a “great” week. I’ll be seeing Inglorious Basterds this weekend. If it’s half as good as District 9, I’m good.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).