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WWE Superstars Recap for August 13, 2009

Hello! Welcome back to another week of “Great” Scott’s Superstars Recap…with 100 percent fewer crappy guest hosts than RAW and 100 percent fewer stupid talk show segments that no one gives a crap about! I checked WWE’s Web site and discovered that this week will be a melting pot of mediocrity, as we have a gaggle of Canadians, a Jamaican, an Irishman, a Puerto Rican, and a couple of honest to goodness Americans in the mix.

Funny sign in the audience says, “Orton is Poop,” proving that sometimes, the simplest messages are the most effective (and the most accurate).

Before we get to the wrestling, I’m going to give a very quick “Great” Scott’s Recommendation of the Week. If you have an XBOX 360, do yourself a favor and download the Batman: Arkham Asylum demo. It’s pretty slick.

Now, on to the show…

John Morrison (riding Starship Pain) vs. D.H. Smith (riding his father’s coattails) with Natalya

Well, no Tyson Kidd tonight. He must be enjoying some donuts and moose milk in his native Canada. However, Nattie’s here, so I’m okay. We learn from our announce team that Nattie is D.H. Smith’s (kissing?) cousin. We’re in Canada, so Smith’s probably going to do more “heel” stuff to get booed…like Jericho. We start with a lockup, from which Morrison is shoved off and taunted. A go-behind by Morrison is reversed by Smith, who goes to work on the arm of the Shaman of Sexy. A takedown by Smith leads to more work on the arm. Morrison escapes with a double leg take down and Smith retreats to the corner to talk over strategy with Natalya. Back to the action with a kick and elbow by smith. Striking blows back and forth followed by some arm drags by Morrison. Man, today’s secret word is “arm bar.” Whenever someone works the arm, kids, scream real loud, like on Pee-Wee’s Playhouse! Smith pushes Morrison to the corner and doesn’t break clean…BECAUSE HE’S A HEEL!! Smith starts stomping on Morrison and hits a European (North American?) uppercut and a strike before going for an unsuccessful pin. Morrison ducks a charge and hits some shots on Smith, then dropkicks him out of the ring. Morrison heads to the top rope to do something awesome, but we’ll never see it because Natalya protects Smith on the outside. Apparently, the Canadians are stealing plays out of the Santino/Beth Phoenix playbook. This leads to a commercial break.

Due to popular demand (okay, maybe because my one confirmed reader MaximVenom said it was cool), I’m going to make snide comments about some of the commercials, starting with this one…

Golden Corral’s steak is under $10 because it’s fillet of German Shepherd. However, my old man loves the place, so I’ve actually eaten there…the pot roast is actually quite tolerable. And any place that has soft-serve ice cream is okay in my book.

We’re back to see Smith get elbowed by Morrison after the Canadian tries a corner charge. Morrison goes for a flying body press, but Smith catches him, puts him down, and tries for a suplex, but fails, only to come back with an elbow and a clotheslines to get a two count. Morrison escapes some attacks, but is caught on the top rope. Smith his a soooooooooooperplex (WOW! I’m actually impressed), but the move hurts both men, so we get to see them both lay down for a bit. A cover by Smith gets another two count. Smith throws Morrison to the ropes, but puts his head down, and is kicked in the face….The two trade “Boo”- “Yay” punches that Morrison stops with a sweet Pele flip kick, a leaping clothesline, and a standing moonsault that gets a 2.8 count. Smith catches Morrison out of the corner, but can’t get the powerslam. Some reversals and pin attempts follow, capped off by a powerslam by Smith that gets 2.7. Mounted punches by Smith are followed by a missed leg drop. Morrison goes for his running head punt, but Smith moves and rolls up Johnny Nitro. However, ol’ Johnny hits another flippy bicycle kick…and gets booed. COME ON, D.H., BE MORE EVIL! Starship pain is blocked by Smith into a German (Canadian?) suplex, but NO! Morison landed on his feet and follows it up with a springboard kick off the ropes. Starship Pain connects…HEY, Hulk Hogan’s in the front row...with a Canadian Flag?!?! The hell?!? Hey, that’s not really Hulk Hogan!! Oops…I digress…

Winner: John Morrison…who should be the WWE Superstars champion by now.

Rating: 

That was surprisingly good for a D.H. Smith match. Fewer long, boring rest holds and some nice spots by Morrison. Good stuff.

Oh, wonderful, it’s the Ask a Diva segment. Natalya is going to tell you how to break up with someone. Have your psycho dad punch their lights out? Mickie James breaks up with guys by picking her nose…I wouldn’t care if she picked her ass and licked her finger…but that’s just me. Layla says introduce the guy to a friend. Huh? If you’re going to break up with a guy, why the hell would you pawn him off on your friend?!? What stupid advice!! YOU’RE FIIIIRED! Melina is smoking hot, but I didn’t pay attention to what she said…I thought this segment was for the USELESS divas…why include Mickie, Natalya, and Melina?

In the back, the Celtic Warrior, the whitest man on the roster, is WALKING. In the name of variety, we’re going to get Sheamus vs. Goldust for the THIRD TIME, next!

On Animal Planet…stop violence against whales by being violent towards HUMANS!!

 I miss the GOOD Geico cavemen commercials. The original commercial was hysterical…the caveman boom mic operator shouting, “NOT COOL!!” Classic.

Why would former Russian intelligence agents tell bad jokes and know good drink recipes? Did you know that last month, WWE.com had more visitors than www.girlswithgoats.com, www.creamcheese.net, www.menwholovewalruses.org, and www.inflatabledartboards.com, and www.oneleggedsoccerplayers.net. It’s TRUE!

Well, we’re back to the action with…

Goldust (with gold-colored skin) vs. Sheamus (with NO-colored skin…actually, white is a combination of ALL colors, so…whatever)

The commentary team starts by discussing Sheamus strategy…um, what he did the last two times?!? It’s awesome that fourth-string guys are getting storylines…but Sheamus’ music is actually pretty cool.

We start with a lockup, then a shove, another lockup, and a shove, and…okay, come on now. We switch things up with a side headlock by Goldy, into…more lockups, COME ON! Pushes from each man, forearms from each man, and a kick by Sheamus, followed by clubbing blows. Sheamus hits an elbow to the golden dome of Dustin Rhodes. However, Goldust has had enough of this crap, and goes to town on the Irishman…signs of life!! Goldust throws Sheamus off the ropes, but the mighty whitey decides to bail…uh oh, Sheamus is hauling arse!! Oh, actually, he just wanted to go to commercial!

We’re back, and we see that Goldust took a wicked fall to the stairs in a pretty cool spot. Unfortunately, that was the coolest thing that happened, because now Sheamus is applying a rest hold. Goldust tries to fight out with some punches to no effect. Sheamus throws Goldust to the corner and hits him with a double ax handle clubbing blow. A gut buster by Sheamus gets a 2.84 count. Goldust is sent to the corner again, but he gets his foot up. Goldy to the top, but he’s shoved to the floor by Sheamus. I think I can see the Celtic Warrior’s internal organs…he’s almost CLEAR. Sheamus outside, where he lifts Goldust and drops him head first on the security barrier. Back in the ring with a cover…for a 2.798 count. Three elbows from Sheamus only get a 1.94 count. Odd looking headlock/chinlock/choke hold by Sheamus. Oddly enough, the crowd is cheering for Goldust, who escapes with punches. He follows this up with an inverted atomic drop and a boot to the noggin of Sheamus. A splash by Goldust hits nothing but Celtic knees…and Sheamus pins Goldust for a 2.67 count. The crowd (or the tape player in the truck) is solidly behind Goldust. A flurry of offense sees a bulldog by Goldust, some big uppercuts, clotheslines, and the sliding lay down punch, followed by a BIG corner clothesline. Sheamus reverses an (IRISH!?!) whip, but falls prey to a low powerslam by Goldust. Goldust goes to the second rope, where I think Sheamus was supposed to trip him up, but the announcers say that Goldust blocked it…which is horse crap, because there was absolutely no contact made by either guy. Anyway, Goldust goes for a cross body block into a pin. Sheamus kicks out, and both men go for a big boot, which sends them both to the canvas. Sheamus is up first, but the wily veteran snatches Sheamus in an inside cradle to get his first win since he teamed up with Hornswoggle…which is absolutely pathetic.

I’ll tell you what…give credit to Matt Striker, who does a good job trying to explain away the shitty performance of both men as logical wresting (which is a complete oxymoron).

Winner: Goldust

Rating: 

Eh…parts of the match weren’t horrible, but there were too many botches and an overall slow pace that made this match kinda’ dull…especially since we’ve already seen it twice. I’m guessing this Goldust win means we’re going to see this match AGAIN somewhere down the road.

DX reuniting? Gosh, I wonder if they’re going to beat Legacy? The suspense is killing me.

Kane lives in darkness..Why? If he can cause fire to shoot out of ramps and wrestling rings, he should be good to go with illumination. I guess I’m going to get one of these video packages every week…since the last week I got Kozlov and the week before I think it was R-Truth. Why bother promoting NEW, EXCITING wrestlers when we can promote crappy stiffs!! WWE – We have our priorities straight!

It’s time for my least favorite part of the show…the Raw Rebound…where Orton and Cena nose kiss like Eskimos. Seriously, that’s Orton’s only heel move…staring. I hate to say this, but during that segment, Cena actually did a pretty good job, as Orton continued to be his emotionless, monotone self. I also noticed that Big Show is now wearing Santino’s singlet. Randy runs like a bitch during his match with the Big Show. I also like how Jericho had to essentially scream that he was heel, even though we KNEW Canadians would cheer Jericho. He should’ve worn a shirt that said “HEEL – BOO ME!” The Jericho-Cena match was decent until Orton came in with his shittiness and apathy. Man, he has all the facial expression variety of Joan Rivers…just look at this evidence…

See? Told ya’! Uh oh….AT EASE DISEASE!! Sergeant Slaughter is going to send Orton home in an itty bitty ditty bag. (Five points of extra credit if you can tell me where that’s from.) The thing I paid most attention to on RAW was the sign that said “Less Big Show – More Gail Kim.” Amen, brother. The conclusion of this mess sees Slaughter make a crappy tag match for next Monday.

Now, on to…oh man…Mickie James is so smoking hot it’s not even fair. Someone has a sign that says “Korean Roast Beef,” the hell? That probably means something I don’t get because I’m old.

Smokin’ Hot (Kofi Kingston and Mickie James) vs. Spits and Swallows (Carlito and Rosa Mendes)

Before we get to the match, get your kid a WWE Kids magazine so you can create your own WWE superstars sand sculptures. Dear, God, the jokes I could make are endless. Just don’t create a Big Show sand sculpture or you’ll erode the entire east coast.

At least freecreditreport.com still has some clever commercials…catchy tunes!

We’re back to the introductions. How the hell can Carlito see with that crazy-sad afro? Evil Carlito is very cool. Oooooh a slap from Mickie James….CAT FIGHT YES YES YES!! Don’t separate them, you dumbasses!! Poop. Well, I guess the men are going to start. We start with a lockup into an arm wringer by Carlito. Kingston flips out of the hold and gets some quick pin attempts. Carlito gets pissed and starts pummeling Kingston. Kingston is off the ropes, but he runs into a Carlito elbow. A pin from Carlito gets a .6 count. A back body drop attempt by Carlito is reversed into a Kofi backslide. Carlito downs Kingston and follows with a short arm clothesline. A chinlock is applied while Mickie continues to look hot on the apron. Carlito tosses Kingston to the ropes, but the Jamaican bounces off and makes a comeback with a dropkick and a side Russian leg sweep, but can’t hit the Boom Boom Boom double leg drop. Carlito manages to make the tag to Rosa, who is reluctant to enter the ring. Mickie helps Rosa by flinging her in and following with some various strikes. Rosa tosses Mickie to the ropes, but Mickie keeps the momentum with a snapmare and a seated dropkick. Rosa fights back with an elbow and a double ax handle, then she slams Mickie’s pretty head to the mat. Rosa shows how hot she is by giving a little shimmy. The women trade punches and kicks, but Rosa comes out on top and clamps on a chinlock. Rosa tosses Mickie to ropes, but their heads collide. Rosa tags Carlito, which mean Kingston can come in, and he does in a big way with a HUGE flying clothesline, which he follows up with…a lot of pointless running around the ring. Bizarre. Kingston finally hits the double leg drop…after this, we see Carlito charge Kingston in the corner and Kingston steals Christian’s upside down kick through the ropes. Kofi tries to go the top, but Rosa provides the distraction, allowing Carlito to crotch Kingston on top rope. Carlito mounts the turnbuckles, but Kingston knocks Carlito off and hits a flying cross body for two. Kingston tries a corner splashon Carlito, but the former tag team champ moves and Kingston crotches himself on the top rope…Carlito hits a CRAZY COOL Backstabber on Kingston, who is stuck in the turnbuckles, and gets the three count.

Winners: Carlito and Rosa

Rating:

This was a pretty average match, but I’ll up it half a Doc Brown for having Mickie James and the nifty spot at the end.

1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award: No real standouts…everyone did okay. If I had to pick just one, I’m going to give it to Mickie James’ smoking hot body. The minimalist approach to crappy recaps of other shows was also pretty awesome.

Biff Tanen Butthead Award: Randy Orton in any form is bad. Other than that, Sheamus and Goldust were kinda’ lazy. Since they’re ECW, they need to have the blow-off match be an Extreme Rules match that Sheamus can win and end this.

That’s about it for me…I’m “Great” Scott…gonna’ see District 9 tomorrow; tune in next week to see if it’s my Recommendation of the Week!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).