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“Great” Scott’s Double-Sized Recap for August 8 and August 12, 2010

Hello, everyone.  "Great" Scott here, another year older, about five pounds heavier, but 10 to 20 hairs lighter.  I'm going to be recapping WWE Superstars here for the last time and then I'm transferring over to Smackdown!  Look at me getting a promotion.  Sean's also going to double my pay, which means I'll be making twice nothing now!!  Movin' on up, to the east side!

Since this is my last Superstars recap, I'm going to make it a double, but leave out the top ten lists.  I'm going to save all my cleverness for my new gig…I apologize to all four and a half of you for my subpar effort.

Speaking of subpar…let's go to our opening match.

Tiffany (with her humongous choppers) vs. Layla (with her bulimic partner)

A tieup leads to Layla mocking Tiffany’s skirt.  Some average wrestling leads to a sunset flip and sloppy armdrag by Tiffany.  All of a sudden, the match gets tolerable, as Tiffany strings together some okay wrestling, leading to Layla heading to the outside.  Tiffany follows, and shoves Michelle away as she tries to help her partner.  Layla escapes to the inside and distracts the ref long enough for Michelle to trip up the former cheerleader.  Back on the inside, Layla yells at the ref like a Spice Girl while Michelle attacks behind his back.  Layla works Tiffany’s leg in the corner, but Tiffany fights out.  Layla, however, continues to work the leg.  Layla instantly demonstrates two more holds than half of the WWE roster by applying a modified Indian deathlock that she turns into a pin.  Eventually, Tiffany punches her way out and hits a horrible bulldog that she almost botches.  She follows with a kick and a sloooooooow suplex that nets her a two count.  Now the match is getting terrible again, as Layla “misses” a corner charge.  Tiffany returns the favor, though, and misses a cross body off the turnbuckles, which allows Layla to hit a neckbreaker (ala Rick Rude) for the win.  Matt Striker annoys me by reminding me that Layla is supposed to be British, despite the fact that she used to be an afro'ed Puerto Rican, or something like that.

Winner: Layla

Rating: 

That match wasn’t a total mess, as it had a couple of decent moments, but the bad slightly outweighed the good.  Tiffany needs a little more work, as does Layla…but both have potential.

Next, we’re treated to an NXT recap.  On this week’s episode, the rookies competed in a kissing contest.  The joke here?  The rookies think they’re getting to kiss Michelle McCool…but, are you ready for this?!?  They really have to kiss A BIG FAT LADY!!!  OH THE COMEDY!!  BECAUSE FAT PEOPLE ARE FUNNY!!  Seriously, though…it would be just as gross to kiss Michelle McCool, the taste of puke, celery, and The Undertaker would be enough to turn any man’s stomach.

Anyway, the rookies actually turn the bit into something semi-funny.  Hennig’s kid licks the hideous chick, while Alex Riley sells it like he was kissing Brooklyn Decker.  Anyway, Lucky Cannon wins the contest, meaning absolutely nothing because he pretty much blows on the mic and in the ring.

Elisabeth Shue has essentially said, “Screw it,” to her career, as she’s decided to star in Pirannahs 3-D.  Hamlet 2 was iffy enough…this is just plain lunacy.  She should’ve held out for Back to the Future IV…you know it's coming.

Ohhhh boy…things aren’t getting any better, as the next match is…

Curt Hawkins and Vance Archer vs. The Dudebusters

I have a bad feeling that the shitty team is taking home the win today.  Hawkins and Archer still can’t manage to look like they belong together.  They fail on pretty much every front.  Agonizing.

Baretta starts off by mocking Hawkins red pants.  Some decent back and forth ends with Hawkins smacking Baretta, who retaliates with a takedown and series of punches.  Baretta tags out and the two hit a double back elbow.  Hawkins quickly backs Croft into the heel corner, but Archer is quickly taken down by some nice double teaming from the Dudebusters.  Archer gets a crappy kick off, and then manages to shove Croft off the turnbuckles as he tries to hit something or another.  Really…Archer sucks balls.  His suck is threatening to blow up my television, so let’s go to some commercials.

The Expendables is going to be pure awesomeness.  It’s the male equivalent of that shitty Valentine’s Day movie…except good.

When we return, Curt Hawkins is showing his advanced repetoire of punches and rest holds.  He follows that up with a Greco-Roman bodyslam.  The shitty guys do their one tag move (the trip-kick combo), and Archer follows up with a rest hold.  Nothing happens for a minute or so before Archer does his stupid-looking two-handed overhand choke throw thing that doesn’t look at all convincing.  I really hate these guys. 

Croft eventually escapes and tags to Baretta, who hits a leaping elbow to Archer on the apron, and then hits a clothesline and a sweet dropkick on Hawkins.  A bunch of stuff I don’t care about happens next, Hawkins makes a blind tag to Archer, who hits a boot on Baretta.  Archer follows with his reverse DDT, and then tags to Hawkins, who hits his boring elbow drop to get the win.

Winners:  Hawkins and Archer

Rating: 

What a snoozefest.  Even the Dudebusters weren’t enough to carry these two sacks of shit.

After the match, Hawkins has the gall to call out the Hart Dynasty, who haven’t done much of anything lately.  You know your tag division is weak when these two walking manure piles are considered contenders.

Boy oh boy, I didn’t think Danny Glover’s career could go any further down the toilet after Lethal Weapon 4.  Now he’s in a John Cena movie.  In this movie, John Cena trains a semi-talented high school wrestler how to beat six men after being hit with a sledgehammer, some steel steps, and a chair.  The only problem with the movie?  You won’t be able to see John Cena the whole time…YOU CAN’T SEE ME!!  Okay, that was horrible.

Man, SummerSlam is shaping up to be…guh. 

Before we go to our main event, we’re treated to a video package for The Miz.  It’s good to see this guy getting a shot.  I’m not a fan of Michael Cole’s verbal butt humping of The Miz, but the  guy’s actually pretty talented and he’s worked to improve.  Good for him.

Next, it’s a video package selling the NXT vs. WWE (Raw) match at SummerSlam.  This build up is actually pretty good.  It’s amazing that the WWE writers can’t do this good a job with wrestlers people actually care about. 

Finally, it’s time for the main event.

Evan Bourne vs. Zack Ryder

Match starts with a hardy “Woo woo woo,” from Ryder.  Ryder gets a cheap kick off in the corner and follows with a punch and a knee to the face.  Bourne comes back quickly and hits a low dropkick.  Ryder instantly fights back by ramming Bourne’s head to two turnbuckles.  He follows by choking Bourne with his foot.  Some taunting is bet with a pair of kicks, but Ryder returns to the offense with a leaping forearm shot.  Ryder hits some kicks and punches, but Bourne fights back, popping off a nice dropkick and a flying head scissors.  He punctuates his attack with a clothesline that sends Ryder to the apron and a kick that sends him to the floor.  Bourne’s luck runs out, however, as he tries a flying bodypress off the top rope to the floor.  Ryder moves and we head to commercials.

WGN shows how up-to-date they are by showing a WWE Superstars commercial with Cryme Tyme.  Nice.  What the hell happened to Shad, anyway?  Bring him back with Zeke…who also seemed to vanish without a trace. 

I’m sick of this Above The Influence commercial.  This chick has this guy by the balls the whole time, and he doesn’t even hold her hand the entire commercial…come on chick!!  You’re already not doing drugs; you don’t need to be abstinent too!!

Halo: Reach the most anticipated game of 2010?  Not as long as Fallout: New Vegas is coming out in October, buckos.

We return to what is pretty much always happening when we return from commercials…a heel rest hold.  Bourne escapes, but Ryder takes him back down quickly.  Bourne tries a sunset flip, but Ryder counters with a neck breaker, which he follows up with a chinlock.  Some quick back and forth ends with a Ryder paintbrush kick in the corner.  Ryder goes for a cover, but only gets two.  Ryder returns to his rest hold, but Bourne quickly kicks him in the back of the head and rolls up Ryder for a two count.  Bourne lands some more kicks, including a spinning heel kick and a leaping side kick.  He follows those up with a corner butt splash.  Bourne eyes the top rope, but Ryder grabs his leg.  Bourne charges Ryder, who hits a sit-down slam to regain control.  Ryder decides he’s going to head to the top, which can’t be good…yup.  Bourne catches Ryder up top, and back body drops him down.  Bourne follows up with AirBourne (about 20 minutes later) for the win.

Winner: Evan Bourne

Rating: 

That match was good, but not great.  It was certainly the best of a weak crop.  I think I expected a little more out of these two.  Carlito and Bourne put on a better match long after Carlito stopped giving a shit.

Well, let’s hand out some awards before I get out of here.

The Golden Batarang Award:  The main event was perfectly acceptable.

The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:  The tag match.  I think Vance Archer may set a record with the number of these awards he’s won.

Well, without further ado, let’s head to…

WWE Superstars Recap for August 12, 2010

Well, the opening match has me nervous, as we’re going to see…

Yoshi Tatsu and Goldust vs. The Usos (with Tamina)

Before the match starts, we’re informed that main event is going to suck.

Wow, Tamina looks like TaMANa.  I really hate these two guys, as they’ve shown nothing so far.

Using the power of DVR, I’m going to fast forward to see if this match is worth watching…

(“Great” Scott watches the match on fast forward.)

Nope, the face team does all the work, the Samoans do nothing but kick, punch, and headbutt, and the Samoans somehow win after a thrust kick and a flying splash.  Seriously, these Usos do nothing worthwhile.  Deuce and Domino at least had a funny gimmick and got a couple of moves in.

Winners:  The Usos

Rating: 

Let’s put it this way…when Goldust has to carry you in a match, you’re worthless.

After the match, it’s NXT time.  This week, the rookies are challenged to hit a round immobile object.  What, Mark Henry wasn’t available?  HUZZAH!  Funny, because Percy Watson and Husky Harris looked like they got off legit punches, but got the lowest scores (except for Kaval, who kicked the bag)…but, whatever.  Also, Lucky Cannon proved how much he truly sucked by being a FACE who got less votes than two heels.  Of course, this whole stupid thing is rigged anyway.  The five guys left should all just get a contract and put us out of our misery…all the shitty guys are gone, anyway.

Hey, next we’re going to get a fresh, new match we haven’t seen before…

Chris Masters vs. Chavo Guerrero

Chavo’s actually won a match or two as of late…can he keep the streak alive?  Oooooh, the intrigue!

Chavo is still sporting los bajos…which my elementary school Spanish tells me are "the shorts"…which might be totally wrong.  Anyway, Masters goes for a MasterLock early, but Chavo escapes and runs away.  He tries to get the jump on Masters, but is quickly locked into a delayed suplex.  Masters stays on the offense, but Chavo dropkicks Masters’ leg and beats him down in the corner.  Maters gets back up and whales on Chavo with a series of chops.  Chavo intelligently tries a crossbody, but Masters catches him and hits a throw-over slam like Razor Ramon and JBL used to do.  Masters follows Chavo outside and hits him some more, but Chavo hits a dropkick as Masters tries to get back in the ring.  He follows up with a rolling splash off the ring apron.

I don’t understand how having a laptop will eliminate the need for textbooks, pencils, pens, markers, a compass, paper, scissors, binders, highlighters, and a three-pound bag of weed….err, never mind.

When we get back, the heel is in control with a rest hold again!  Way to switch the script WWE!  Anyway, Chavo pops Masters a few times, but Masters hauls off with some punches of his own and hits a Samoan drop after Chavo tries for a crucifix pin.  Chavo follows by sending Masters to the corner and beating him down while he’s there.  The two men exchanges strikes before Chavo locks on a body scissors.  Masters powers out and sends Chavo to the corner with a slingshot…that looks like it was a little too close…ouch.  Masters continues to channel his inner Flair with more chops.  He follows with an inverted atomic drop, some clotheslines (one of which sorta’ misses), and a spinebuster.  Masters thinks he’s in control, but Chavo manages to hit…well, one amigo before Masters reverses one into a jackhammer suplex.  The two men fight in the corner until Masters props Chavo on the top turnbuckle.  Chavo grabs Masters and stuns him over the top rope…wow, Masters sold that like a champ.  Chavo quickly ascends to the top rope and hits a wicked-looking frog splash for the win!  Ole!

Winner: Chavo Guerrero

Rating: 

His days of losing to midgets, women, stuffed animals, blind guys, and quadriplegics have finally ended!  Good for you, amigo!

Guess what, folks...I’ll be using the old FF button again on the main event.  I’m sure you’re all heartbroken.

Quick video package for Sheamus vs. Orton follows the match.  Face Orton is slightly more interesting than heel Orton.  That, however, is like saying Biodome is a slightly better Pauly Shore movie than Son-in-Law.

I’m sure game critics are going to lick the nut sack of Halo: Reach whether it’s good or not…they are throwing mad coverage into that game.  I’ll still take Fable 3 and Fallout: New Vegas.

Before we return to the ring, we’re treated to a Dolph Ziggler video package.  The good news? He’s the IC champ!  The bad news?  He’s still in a story line with Vicki Guerrero.

Another video package follows that.  This one builds up the WWE vs. Nexus match.  Seriously, man, Wade Barrett is just about flawless on the mic.  He’s no Kurt Angle in the ring, but he’s a great talker.  Some polish on that guy and he could be one of the best big men since The Warlord!  Okay, maybe The Berserker.  Okay, enough references to shitty WWE big men.

Before I continue…why are they bothering with Bret Hart in this match?  Seriously, the guy had a stroke!  Can’t he just manage or advise here?  How can his being in this match make it any better?  Then again, he’s more mobile than at least one of his teammates!

After THAT video package, we get a quick rundown of the rest of the sub-par SummerSlam card.  I think I’ll be getting the PPV, but only because my buddies and I have a good time mocking it…MST3K style.

Michelle McCool (with Layla and Kaval) vs. Kelly Kelly

As I mentioned, I’m going to watch this match in fast forward because I don’t hate myself enough to watch it in its entirety.

Essentially, the match consists of Michelle mocking Kelly Kelly while working the arm most of the match.  Kelly Kelly gets some shots in here and there and has a brief comeback at the end where she does her obligatory spinning headscissors thing, but Michelle wins the match with that stupid thing that looks like a Boston crab until she falls forward…I think it’s called the Faith Breaker or something…I don’t care enough to find out.

Winner:  Michelle McCool

Rating: 

Yeah, the match might’ve been Hennig/Hart, but I’m going to play the percentages and say it probably sucked.

Well, it’s time to hand out some awards…

The Golden Batarang Award:  The Chavo/Masters match was actually good…and Chavo WON!

The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:  I’ll let Michelle McCool take on the Usos for this one.

That’s it folks!  I’ll be seeing you tomorrow for my NEW GIG AS SMACKDOWN RECAPPER!!  HELLS TO THE YEAH, I’M OUTTA’ THIS DUMP!

Well…like The Chief in One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest (which is a "great" movie that you MUST watch), I’m going to pick up the big fountain in the shower room, toss it through the window, and escape to the freedom that is Smackdown!  Hopefully, all four and a half of you that read my Superstars recap will head over there!  I’d appreciate it!

.

 

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).