WWE Superstars Recap for August 6, 2009
Hello, readers…it's the one-year-older "Great" Scott here with the WWE Superstars Recap. Before we get to the action, let's go to today's…
"Great" Scott's Recommendation of the Week
I'm an avid reader, and one book that was really good that I've read recently was called The Store. It's by a guy named Bentley Little. If you like suspense and horror, and hate Wal-Mart, read this book. It's very Stephen King-ish. In a sentence, it's a fiction book about a super-store run by a crazy cult that takes over a town. It's very creepy stuff. A good read.
Okay, I know you're chomping at the bit to get on to the action, so let’s start out tonight’s show with some PURE AWESOMENESS in the form of…
Santino Marella (with unibrow) vs. Chris Masters (with Ken doll hair)
Santino looks a bit intimidated by Masters, who seems less “well” than he used to...see, kids, steroids ARE good for you!! Take them or you'll shrink! Anyway, Santino starts with a roll and karate pose. Santino is pleased that the crowd knows his name. Santino misses with some awesome karate kicks. Masters locks up with Santino, and Marella is tossed like a sack of taters. Another lockup sends Santino down. Santino rolls back up to his feet, but Masters kicks Marella as he celebrates. Masters throws some punches, but misses a clothesline, which allows Santino to actually hit two forearms. Santino goes for a third Strike, but Masters is sick of this "selling" thing and clotheslines Marella, then drops two elbows. A stomp and some taunting by Masters is met with a Santino punch, but Santino is kneed in the gut, hoisted up, and dropped head first to the turnbuckle. Masters blows me away by busting out a side Russian legsweep. After that stunning display of wrestling skill, Masters locks on a chinlock/chicken wing combo, but Santino armdrags out. In a funny spot, Santino tries to lock on a Master Lock, but Masters claims trademark infringement and breaks out. Masters with more taunting. Masters decides to switch it up and redo the sloppy chinlock/chicken wing hold. Santino escapes with a jaw breaker, but can’t follow up. Masters with some stomps and slaps that actually sound wicked. It's sad that slaps have been the most intimidating thing Masters has done…this match is pretty terrible. Masters taunting and slapping, pump up Santino. If Santino wins, I’ll piss my pants. Santino yells, and I quote, "Now you make me anger!" Marella, with some punches, a split to duck a Master's attack, an elbow, a hip toss, a salute, and a diving salute headbutt thing, which misses. This allows Masters to locks on the Master Lock, and Santino is back to what he does best…losing.
Winner: Chris Masters
Enough being nice with my ratings. This match was pretty boring, except for Santino’s antics. When you’re Chris Masters and you don’t get in one power move (the loud slaps don't count), you’re not doing what you’re supposed to do.
Our main event is a match we haven’t seen in at least a month…Mike Knox vs. Rey Mysterio, because there’s no one else that’s good enough to challenge for the intercontinental championship. Really?
Aerosmith is providing the SummerSlam theme song, “You Gotta Move.” However, with Steven Tyler falling off stages at concerts, perhaps standing still is the way to go.
GOODY! Another treat! We’ve got William Regal...and his partner is YES!! YES!! YES!! Finally, the WWE is listening! I don’t care if these two fight Disorderly Conduct…actually, the match is…
William Regal and Paul Burchill (with Katie Lea and barrels of awesomeness) vs. Tyler Rekks and Yoshi Tatsu (with equally ridiculous hairstyles)
We start with Regal and Yoshi. I’m stoked about this match. Feeling out process to start. A go behind by Yoshi is countered by an arm takedown by Regal. Yoshi sells the arm well, but he's back up. Burchill in, and a tie up leads to an arm wringer by Yoshi. Burchill hits a chop to stomach to break the hold. Some good chain wrestling leads to two armdrags by Yoshi. Rekks is tagged in, and sunset flips in the ring to get a 1.5 count. Rekks continues to work the arm. Another pin gets two. Rekks tosses Burchill to the ropes, but puts his head down and Burchill pounds him and tags to Regal. Cool spot sees Regal and Rekks collide with shoulderblocks and neither give an inch. Rekks clamps on a headlock. Regal throws Rekks to the ropes and hits an elbow and European uppercut. Regal works the arm, but Rekks escapes. Regal with another elbow as Rekks tries to leap over him. Regal tosses the blighter to the outside so we can take a commercial break.
I’m not going to make it a habit to comment on commercials, but Quizno’s hasn’t had a good commercial since the ugly singing mice (also called Spongemonkeys…take a look HERE). This whole sexual innuendo with the oven thing talking all sexy to the Quizno's guy is really disturbing and certainly doesn’t make me want to put phallic-shaped subs in my mouth. Sorry…but I needed to vent on that.
We’re back, where Rekks continues to work the arm of Regal. Rekks tags to Yoshi, who continues to work the arm. Super quick tag back to Rekks, who double axehandles the arm. An even QUICKER tag back to Yoshi, who chops the arm. A knee from Regal allows for a tag to Burchill, who hits some knees. Unfortunately, Yoshi must be impervious to knees, because Yoshi just kicks the shit out of the former pirate Paul. Yoshi is thrown to the corner, where he’s distracted by Regal, allowing Burchill to dropkick his leg. Nice spot. A kneebreaker by Burchill leads to a wicked Saito suplex, which gets two. Burchill tags to Regal, who continues to work on the leg. Regal locks on a cool-looking leglock that looks like something you would do to torture your little brother. Regal tags to Burchill, who gets a 2.7 count. Burchill clamps on a modified half crab..and we get a shot of Katie Lea, who’s hot. Yoshi is up with punches, but misses the enziguri. Burchill decides that Rekks needs a good whack, so Burchill hits him. Unfortunately, when Burchill turns his attention back to Yoshi, Paul gets backbodydroped. Yoshi tags to Rekks, who dropkicks and legdrops Regal, who's been tagged in. A suplex by Rekks on Regal gets a two count. Rekks with a flying clothesline on Regal, but Burchill saves the day. Yoshi takes Burchill out, setting up Rekks for his flying inside-out body block. Rekks hits the move, but Regal rolls through AND GETS THE THREE FOR TWO WEEKS IN A ROW….HOLY SHIT!! AWESOME!
Winner: Regal and Burchill
Some great, solid tag team action. I guess seeing Kelly Kelly screw up moves with equally inept Rosa Mendes is so much better than solid tag matches, hmmm?
Cena has a riddle for us: What's 95-years old and goes through more beer than Oktoberfest? The Undertaker? Oh…Wrigley Field. But, really, am I wrong?
We get some footage of Cena at the Cubs game…whee! At least Cena threw the first pitch sorta’ okay. Wait a DAMN MINUTE…they showed this crap a few weeks back. I remember making a joke about Alfonso Soriano liking Cena…this sucks. There's not enough interesting going on that we have to replay Cena at a frickin' baseball game?!? Argh!
Since our short-term memories SUCK, we’re reminded that the "main event" (used in the loosest sense of the phrase here) is Rey Mysterio vs. Mike Knox.
Summerslam commercial. This year’s already shaping up to be awesome as we have Orton and Cena in their 200th match and Cryme Tyme is the best they could come up with to fight Jericho and Big Show. Are there even any other face tag teams left? I guess Cryme Tyme’s in by default. However, now that we might have Regal and Burchill as a team, we’ve either got to split up the Hart Dynasty or Legacy…because divas are more important than tag teams.
Did you know that more people watched WWE superstars than…uh oh, we’re down to only two stations…with Orton in the main event, I can’t figure out why that is.
Video package for Vladimir Kozlov that we’ve seen about 30 times. He continues to beat eight or nine jobbers, then lose to mid-carders. Remember when he beat the Undertaker? That victory has taken him places. I can only pray that Kozlov vs. Ezekiel Jackson is on the PPV.
John Morrison vs. Jeff Hardy footage from Smackdown. Why isn’t this match on the PPV? Actually, Punk vs. Hardy vs. Morrison would be pretty cool…which means Vince will get Kane or The Great Kahli involved somehow. Main event tomorrow is Hardy vs. Punk. Wow, that’s about 10,000 times better than my main event, which is starting RIGHT NOW!!
Rey Mysterio vs. Mike Knox
It's funny how they build up Ezekiel Jackson by fighting opponents like Danny Danger, yet Mike Knox gets to fight Rey Mysterio fifteen times…that's completely fair.
I also just noticed that this match is getting a LOT of time…which means about a power move and two minutes of stalling from Knox ad nauseam for 20 minutes. Speaking of Knox, he must need some extra times to get the mice, birds, and insects out of his beard, because we’re heading to commercials.
Jim Ross compares Mike Knox to a Slurpee…they both give him brain freeze? Man, I remember back in the early days of WWECW when Mike Knox wasn’t this fat…he looks like Evil Hacksaw Jim Duggan. He must be on the Big Show diet plan. I heard his blood type is Ragu (rim shot).
Ohboyohboyohboy…Dolph Ziggler is out to do commentary. He’s really still in the title picture? Oh, there’s a fatal four way match for the title shot coming up, I guess. I forgot where I heard it, but Dolp Ziggler really is Mr. Perfect lite (soooooper lite…he’s eons away).
The match starts with a kick from Mysterio. They lock up, and Knox chokes Rey to the corner and hit some knees and punches. I’m already bored with this. A punch from Knox. Dolph sounds about as thrilled as me to be watching this match. Knox with a leg drop…and a boot that misses. Rey kicks some more. Rey off the ropes, and he runs into an avalanche by Knox. Kicks and stomps by Knox. Punches from Rey are met with a forearm and knees by Knox. Knox with an arm bar that Rey kicks out of. He's kicked in the head for his trouble. Rey is sent off the ropes and Knox wisely puts his head down, so Mysterio kicks him. Knox looks pissed and charges, so Rey pulls the top rope down and Knox goes out. Rey with a seated senton to Knox outside. Rey back in so we can go to commercials…thank goodness, I need a break from this action-packed affair.
Just a thought…the WWE needs to get Curt Hennig’s kid up from Dusty’s domain and team him with Dolph Ziggler. The Perfect Team is painfully obvious.
Sergeant Slaughter hosts RAW on Monday. Whoopee! If they could get the Iron Sheik to help out, that would be gold.
We're back, with Knox chopping and punching Rey. I can actually hear Knox’s tights begging for mercy. Rey drop toeholds a charging Knox into the turnbuckle, then hurricanranas Knox out of the ring. Knox is back in only to get dropkicked in the knee. However, when Rey takes off for the ropes, Knox hits a clothesline from his knees. Knox sets Rey up on the top rope and boots him to the outside…at least that move was kinda’ not terrible. However, this allows Knox to stand around thinking about dinner for 9.7 seconds. Knox stun gun Rey between the ropes, but only gets a two count. JR makes a joke that 99.4% of the population probably wouldn't even have noticed…by comparing Knox to a fort. Get it? “Fort” Knox?!? The place where they keep the gold?!? Ha ha ha…oh, man, I need to wipe away the tears…of pain. You know what Mike Knox and Fort Knox have in common? They're both filled with bullion!!! Ha ha ha ha! I'm as funny as JR!!
Mike Knox with a bear hug. It sounds like the crowd is chanting “Big Mike Knox.” Rey fights out only to get tilt-a-whirl back breakered. A splash by Knox only gets two. A backbreaker by Knox is turned into a submission hold.
Man, the guy in the truck has a boo-nair for Dolph, as we’ve gotten about 23 close-ups of his face. Rey fights out again, and scoots out of the way of a Knox charge in the corner. Rey hits another seated splash and flippy bulldog that gets 2.9. Knox with a slam, but misses a knee. Knox eats a kick, but only stays down for two. A corner whip is reversed. Mike Knox with a…CROSS BODY BLOCK!?!? Shit…that was actually amazing. The crowd is chanting “jingle bells” now…I think. Knox goes for a British Bulldog powerslam, but is DDT’d by Rey. This match is actually not quite totally horrible. Rey with a seated dropkick to Knox’s ass, which sets him up for the 619, but after Rey hits it, Dolph Ziggler gets involved by yanking Rey off the apron. Knox tosses Rey to the corner and Ziggler COLLIDES with the ringpost (man, he was going FAST). Rey hauls ass out of the ring, escaping the clutches of the evil heels.
Winner: Rey Mysterio (by DQ)
This match wasn’t all that bad…about the best you’re going to get out of Mike Knox. Hell, this match is getting half a Doc Brown for Mike Knox’s cross body block…which broke about six laws of physics.
1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award: The tag match was great and Mike Knox did a cross body block. Oh yeah, and Randy Orton clips were kept to a minimum.
The Biff Tannen Butthead Award: It's a tie! Chris Masters and re-run clips of John Cena.
That’s it for me. Have a “great” week!
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).