WWE Superstars
Recap for 07/30/2009
Well, I’m back again. It’s “Great” Scott here with your
Superstars recap. However, before we get to the
excitement of the show, let me hit you folks with my
wonderful feature:
“Great” Scott’s Recommendation
of the Week This week, I discovered a
culinary delight that’s second to none. Go to your local supermarket and buy
your favorite ice cream. Then, walk over to the cookie aisle and grab yourself
some Pepperidge Farm Geneva cookies (which you can see HERE
). Optionally, get some Hershey’s chocolate syrup and
some Cool Whip (not the crap in the can, actual Cool Whip). Break up the cookies
on the ice cream and you are good to go. It’s like sex in a bowl. If you’re
allergic to nuts of any sort, you’re shit out of luck.
Damn, that made me hungry…but I have to suffer for my art because the pyro means it’s time for WWE Superstars. The show starts promptly with a SMACKDOWN match, and a good one at that.
John Morrison (with cross glasses and a coat
that looks like it was made by a hobo) vs.
Tyson Kidd (with Natalya and D.H. Smith)
Before the match, the announcers
shill Hardy vs. Morrison on SMACKDOWN. That seems like
it’ll be a pretty good match.
Well, at least this match beats
Morrison vs. Kane. Unfortunately, Morrison is becoming to
Superstars what Stevie Richards was to Sunday Night Heat.
He’s been on three or four of these shows so far. Morrison
looks amused by the Canadian contingent, while the crowd
chants something incoherent. Morrison insults Kidd’s
hair…that little tuft does look kinda’ funny. After the
mockery, the match begins with a tie up to the corner. Kidd
breaks cleanly and graces us with a big shit-eating grin.
Another tie up leads to an arm bar by Kidd. Morrison escapes
with a fireman’s carry and clamps on a hammerlock. Kidd
pushes Morrison into the corner, and then retreats like a
little bitch. The crowd boos the cowardly Canadian. A sign
in the crowd tells me that someone loves WGN…okay. Kidd
locks Morrison in a go behind, but Morrison retorts with a
takedown and an arm drag, concluding with a pin That Kidd
escapes. An arm bar by Morrison, and Kidd retreats to the
ropes. Kidd is selling the arm pain like a champ (Kane, take
notes! I know you’re a veteran and all, but this stuff’s
important!). More boos and a “USA” chant because we don’t
like fur’n folk here in the old U-S-and-A. The evil Canadian
hits some kicks and strikes before screaming and popping
Morrison with a headlock takedown. Another “USA” chant makes
me think I’m watching a Hacksaw Jim Duggan match. A
shoulderblock by Kidd is countered by a back body
drop/flapjack combo by Morrison. Morrison follows with a
nifty breakdancing legdrop. Kid tries to escape from the
ring because he’s a cowardly Canadian and all, but it’s all
just a ruse as he knees an attacking Morrison in the
breadbasket. Kidd follows this by hitting a sweet
neckbreaker through the ropes. While he’s on the outside,
Kidd puts the boots to Morrison and then rolls the Shaman of
Sexy back in the ring for a pin attempt that gets a two
count. Tyson “Screaming Mimi” Kidd applies a chinlock.
Morrison fights out, ducks a Kidd clothesline, then wraps
Kidd in a crucifix for a pin. Kidd tosses Morrison to the
outside so Smith can do some damage and WGN’s advertisers
can try to sell me some stuff.
We return to more screaming and rest holds by Kidd. Morrison turns the tide with a back suplex. We get to see the replay, which is sponsored by 7-11. Morrison hits a few punches, and then hits the cool dancing bicycle kick he hit on Kane last week. A leaping leg lariat by Morrison gets two. Morrison stays on the attack with a European (North American…since we hate foreigners) uppercut. However, Morrison whips Kidd into the rope and puts his head down (Face Mistake #2432) and gets kicked right in the noggin, but retaliates with a clothesline that sends Kidd to the floor. Morrison ascends to the top turnbuckle to do some damage, but Smith stands between the Guru of Greatness and Smith’s fallen partner. This loyalty pisses off the ref, who ejects the excess Canadians from ringside. Why eject Natalya? She didn’t do anything! Anti-Canadian ref! Without any Canadians blocking his path, Morrison is able to hit a slick spinning splash, but only gets two on the pin attempt. Morrison tries to hit his rolling neckbreaker, but Kidd escapes. A re-energized Kidd kicks Morrison and beats the tar out of him in the corner. Morrison slips out of the corner and tries for a German suplex (More moves named after foreign countries…BOOOOOO), but Kidd rolls him up. One pin attempt for each guy, but neither gets the three count. Kidd hits Morrison with a spinning kick and a low dropkick and follows with a flip kick over the ropes, and finishes the move set with a sunset flip on Morrison, who retorts by hitting the running knee on Kidd. Morrison leaps to the ropes, connects with Starship Pain, and that’s aboot it for the evil Candian. Eh?
Winner: John Morrison
Rating: This was a pretty well-paced match. Good performance by
both men. An extra half a Doc Brown for not having Kane in it.
Since, God forbid, we have to
have something useless in every show, let’s go to the
Ask a Diva segment…I guess this is what they do with the
Divas who can’t really wrestle.
Whoa, wait a minute…Katie
Lea is on here…and her voice is as hot as she
is. Wow, she could give Stevie Wonder a
boo-nair.
Wow, Michelle McCool. I know what
they can ask her:
Question: I can’t seem to get ahead at work. I
don’t have a lot of talent, but I’m sorta’ hot in a trailer-trash
sorta’ way. What should I do?
McAnswer: That’s easy.
Find the guy in the office with the most “cred”
and start screwing him. You’ll get a promotion
and a championship…err, better office, in no
time.
Later, we’re going to see
Primo vs. Randy Orton. Not an ideal main event,
but not too terrible. There’s got to be one more
match…I’m scared that it hasn’t been mentioned.
I’m guessing divas or Hornswoggle. Let’s see if
I’m right.
Okay, I’m
wrong…as William Regal is out for
ECW. Regal is awesome. He needs to
teach a class in douchebaggery.
This might be an obscure joke, but Yoshi’s music
sounds like the music in Revenge of the Nerds when Takashi had to ride a
tricycle drunk during the fraternity games. I tried to link to it here so
you could compare, but finding the song online is like trying to find a
purple frickin’ unicorn. Do yourself a favor and rent the movie. It’s one of
the best comedies of all time.
Okay,
that
reference
took
too
long;
let’s
get
to
the
match.
A
kick
by
Yoshi
starts
things
off.
Regal
combats
that
by
clamping
on
an
arm
wringer.
Yoshi
escapes
with
a
flip
and
catches
Regal
in a
leg
lock.
Several
leg
lock
variations
later,
Regal
escapes
to
the
ropes
and
both
men
reset.
Regal
grabs
Yoshi
in
front
face
lock,
but
Yoshi
turns
that
into
a
headlock,
which
Regal
escapes
by
busting
loose
with
a
simply
smashing
capture
suplex.
Yoshi
takes
a
powder
on
the
outside,
but
Regal
follows
up
lifting
Yoshi
onto
his
shoulders
and
dropping
Yoshi’s
head
on
the
ring
apron.
Regal
gets
back
in
the
ring
and
kicks
the
snot
out
of
Yoshi
as
the
Asian
tries
to
re-enter
the
ring.
Regal
follows
the
stomping
with
an
uppercut
and
a
forearm
shot.
Regal
locks
on
what
looks
like
a
modified
cobra
clutch,
but
Yoshi
escapes
with
kicks.
Regal
decides
it’s
time
to
bust
out
another
wicked
suplex,
and
hits
Yoshi
with
a
nice
butterfly
suplex.
Regal
returns
to a
chinlock.
Yoshi
gets
to
his
feet,
but
Regal
hits
a
knee
and
some
European
uppercuts.
Yoshi
combats
Regal’s
assault
by
nailing
some
stiff
kicks
and
follows
with
some
screaming.
A
spinning
heel
kick
by
Yoshi
sends
Regal
to
the
mat.
Yoshi
charges
Regal
in
the
corner,
mounts
the
second
turnbuckle,
and
hits
some
sweet
chops
to
Regal’s
neck,
but
Sir
William
pushes
him
off
and
hits
a
running
forarm.
Yoshi
tries
to
leap
to
the
second
rope,
but
Regal
just
pulls
his
legs
out
from
under
him,
sending
Yoshi
face
first
to
the
mat.
Regal
actually
hits
the
running
knee
strike
and
GETS
THE
THREE!!
Whoa!!
A
pig
just
flew
by
my
window
and
the
weatherman
says
it’s
going
to
be
zero
degrees
in
Hades
tomorrow!!
Winner (for a change): William Regal
Rating: This match was great, for what it was. Besides, Regal
was in it, and he won! It wasn’t super long, but both guys performed
admirably. Seriously, Regal has more wrestling and acting ability than 75
percent of the WWE roster. Even when he isn’t trying, he looks like a
complete dick…awesome. Yoshi didn’t look too bad, either. He just seems like
a guy you get behind, even if he is one of them there fur’ners. What the
fuck are robster craws!?!
Did you know that more people watched Superstars last week than watched paint try, linoleum curl, slugs crawl, yaks fornicate, and beaches erode. It’s true!!
After our pointless fact of the
week, we get a video package of MVP. This is the guy
who lost to Funaki twice, right? I guess he needs
something to get t he momentum going after not being
able to beat Chris Masters.
I need a
bedazzled king of spades shirt like
Jerry has…my birthday’s next
week…hint hint.
· Shaquille O’Neal is one of the slowest
talkers I’ve ever heard. He makes Randy Orton seem like the
Micro Machines guy. (Remember him? Take a look at THIS
.) Also, all of his jokes seemed written by
third-graders. Chris-tina!! Get it?!? He’s calling CHRIS Jericho
CHRISTINA!! That’s a girl’s name!! Ha ha ho ho ho!! COMEDY GOLD!
And calling Big Show FAT!! Cleverness, thy name is Shaquille.
All that was missing was Shaq retorting to a Jericho joke by
shouting, “Your MOM!” · We got ANOTHER Hornswoggle vs. Chavo match. Man, I wonder who Chavo pissed off. We also got to see Hornswoggle try to dunk a basketball…that’s funny!
· We got Cryme Tyme
in the main event. I don’t have anything
against them, really, but the main event?
Really? Is that the only way to get Shaq
involved?
· Evan Bourne
wins, but doesn’t get anything for it?
Umm….the hell?!? I was excited when he
won, but then figured out that only Jack
Thhhwagger was the only one of the two
competing for the title shot. Why bother
with variety in the title picture?
·
Which brings me to my
next problem…Cena
AGAIN!?! Come on, just
have him win the damn
belt and get it over
with so HHH can take it
so he can win more
titles than Flair. Not
only are we going to see
Cena vs. Orton again, we
got there by sitting
through another Cena vs.
Miz match. Paul Burchill
can’t win a match
against the New Talent
Initiative guys, but The
Frickin’ Miz is fighting
main-event-level guys?!
· I got to see a six-diva tag match in which two divas didn’t really participate. I think Rosa broke up a move and Kelly did something at the end, but having 325 divas on the roster is ridiculous if half of them can’t wrestle. It’s not like the ones who CAN wrestle are ugly…as I mentioned a week or so ago, there are three tag teams, but 50 divas…jeez.
·
Chris
Masters
returns,
which
is
bad
enough,
but
then
he...goes
to
a
double
count-out
with
MVP?!?
That
ending
didn’t
make
a
damn
bit
of
sense.
I
realize
an
MVP/Chris
Masters
feud
is
abrewin’,
but
why
not
have
Masters
win
outright?
Trying
to
preserve
MVP’s
impeccable
record?
A
few
months
back,
the
guy
was
losing
to
Kung
Fu
Naki!!
Arrrrgggh!
·
Michael
Cole
shouldn’t
be
allowed
near
black
people
(Boom-shaq-a-alcka…ugh).
He’s
whiter
than
Liquid
Paper.
· The WWE is so devoid of creative
ability, they have to steal an ESPN commercial…as
Santino played Scrabble with Shaq and Shaq seemed to
have a limitless supply of Qs, so he could spell words
like “Shaqtus” and “Shaqtastic.” How’s about “Qrap” and
“Suq”?!?
Okay, now that I’ve calmed
down, I’m reminded that Jeremy Piven is going to
host RAW. I hear is supposed to be a real asshole.
I’m sure he’ll add all of nothing to RAW. The last
movie I saw him in was Smokin’ Aces. The movie
sucked big time. I’m so looking forward to RAW.
Also on Raw, HHH
is taking on
Legacy two guys
he’s beaten
every way
possible fifteen
different times.
Man, RAW’s
shaping up to be
a big pile of
crap…
As if all of this news
isn’t bad enough, we get an interview with the
automaton that is Randy Orton. I would never to
go out to eat with him; it must take him three
hours to order.
Randy Orton (without emotion) vs. Primo
(without Carlito)
So tonight we’re going to have a Colon vs. an
ass…huh. I’m glad they split up the Colons so they could both job in
singles competition. Apparently, Paul Burchill, Goldust, Jamie Noble,
Jimmy Wang Yang, Ricky Ortiz, Charlie Haas, Chavo, Santino, The Brian
Kendrick, Jesse, Festus, and the local talent they have Vladimir Kozlov
beat every week just aren’t enough jobbers for the roster. Whatever.
Orton
decides to
switch it up
this week by
going right
to a
headlock. An
Orton
shoulderblcok
sends Primo
flying.
Orton shows
his rage
with a look
that is
almost
something
other than
nothing.
(Confused?
Exactly.)
Orton
applies
another
headlock,
and then
hits another
shoulderblock.
I can
already tell
this is
going to be
another
Randy Orton
gem. Primo
is allowed
to get in an
armdrag on
Orton as he
comes off
the ropes. I
chuckle as I
see a
“Carlito has
Lice” sign.
Some
passable
chain
wrestling
leads to
some more
arm drags by
Primo. This
confuses
Orton, who
needs to
leave the
ring for a
bit to
figure out
what’s going
on. More
posturing
leads to
some kicks
and punches
by Orton.
Orton beats
Primo into
the corner,
but Primo
fights back
with a
takedown,
some
punches, and
a couple of
dropkicks.
Primo
bounces
Orton off
the ropes,
but Orton
holds on to
escape a
dropkick by
primo. The
ref tells
Primo it’s
time for
some
commercials,
so Primo
rolls out of
the ring to
take a
break.
When we return from commercial Orton has a chinlock locked on…that’s a switch. During the break, Orton pushed primo into the apron. Orton hits a European uppercut, a stomp, and then chokes and stomps Primo. Seriously, Orton hasn’t done one move that I couldn’t do…and I once lost an arm wrestling contest to a mongoloid. Orton hits what could be the fruitiest kick I’ve ever seen on Primo, then Orton kicks Primo in the head. A lazy ass pin by Orton gets two. Orton takes about ten minutes to hit a leaping knee drop, and gets another two. Orton uses his boot laces to blind Primo and follows up with another kick. Orton with some standing around, then a slightly cooler knee drop. Realizing that he hasn’t bored us enough, Orton locks on a sleeper hold that he switches to a chinlock. I owned some Primo Cologne once…it smelled like a sweaty jobber. Primo fights out and hits a side Russi…Puerto Rican leg sweep, but Orton kicks Primo. However, since Primo has to carry Orton’s lazy ass, he busts out a crazy spinning elbow and a dropkick. Orton charges Primo in the corner, but eats two feet in the face. Primo hits a missile dropkick, but misses a flying bodypress. For the first time ever, Orton’s stalking his opponent with the RKO actually works, and Orton gets the three count.
Winner: Randy Orton
Rating: I am being ridiculously generous here…but only for
Primo’s sake. This match wasn’t completely horrible…despite every effort by
Randy Orton to make it so. The guy’s move set is the same as Dustin
Diamond’s was on the first episode of that crappy Hulk Hogan wrestling show.
I hate Randy Orton. Cantcha’ tell?
1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness
Award: Regal
winning a match was
fantastic. Yoshi,
Morrison, and Kidd’s
performances all get
second place.
Biff Tannen Butthead Award:
Two words: Randy Orton.o words: Randy Orton.
That’s it for me this week. Next week, I’ll be one
year older. Ugh. Have a “great” weekend. “Great” Scott out!
William
Regal vs. Yoshi Tatsu
Raw Rebound time!! I watched most of RAW this week and
was rewarded with one of the worst shows I’ve ever seen! Want
specifics? Well, whether you want them or not, here’s why I
hated RAW:
That
rant was a little longer
than I intended, but
just like Terry Funk, I
SAID WHAT NEEDED TO BE
SAID!! (Man, I love THIS
clip.)
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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