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WWE Superstars Recap for 07/30/2009

Well, I’m back again. It’s “Great” Scott here with your Superstars recap. However, before we get to the excitement of the show, let me hit you folks with my wonderful feature:

“Great” Scott’s Recommendation of the Week

This week, I discovered a culinary delight that’s second to none. Go to your local supermarket and buy your favorite ice cream. Then, walk over to the cookie aisle and grab yourself some Pepperidge Farm Geneva cookies (which you can see HERE ). Optionally, get some Hershey’s chocolate syrup and some Cool Whip (not the crap in the can, actual Cool Whip). Break up the cookies on the ice cream and you are good to go. It’s like sex in a bowl. If you’re allergic to nuts of any sort, you’re shit out of luck.

Damn, that made me hungry…but I have to suffer for my art because the pyro means it’s time for WWE Superstars. The show starts promptly with a SMACKDOWN match, and a good one at that.

John Morrison (with cross glasses and a coat that looks like it was made by a hobo) vs. Tyson Kidd (with Natalya and D.H. Smith)

Before the match, the announcers shill Hardy vs. Morrison on SMACKDOWN. That seems like it’ll be a pretty good match.

Well, at least this match beats Morrison vs. Kane. Unfortunately, Morrison is becoming to Superstars what Stevie Richards was to Sunday Night Heat. He’s been on three or four of these shows so far. Morrison looks amused by the Canadian contingent, while the crowd chants something incoherent. Morrison insults Kidd’s hair…that little tuft does look kinda’ funny. After the mockery, the match begins with a tie up to the corner. Kidd breaks cleanly and graces us with a big shit-eating grin. Another tie up leads to an arm bar by Kidd. Morrison escapes with a fireman’s carry and clamps on a hammerlock. Kidd pushes Morrison into the corner, and then retreats like a little bitch. The crowd boos the cowardly Canadian. A sign in the crowd tells me that someone loves WGN…okay. Kidd locks Morrison in a go behind, but Morrison retorts with a takedown and an arm drag, concluding with a pin That Kidd escapes. An arm bar by Morrison, and Kidd retreats to the ropes. Kidd is selling the arm pain like a champ (Kane, take notes! I know you’re a veteran and all, but this stuff’s important!). More boos and a “USA” chant because we don’t like fur’n folk here in the old U-S-and-A. The evil Canadian hits some kicks and strikes before screaming and popping Morrison with a headlock takedown. Another “USA” chant makes me think I’m watching a Hacksaw Jim Duggan match. A shoulderblock by Kidd is countered by a back body drop/flapjack combo by Morrison. Morrison follows with a nifty breakdancing legdrop. Kid tries to escape from the ring because he’s a cowardly Canadian and all, but it’s all just a ruse as he knees an attacking Morrison in the breadbasket. Kidd follows this by hitting a sweet neckbreaker through the ropes. While he’s on the outside, Kidd puts the boots to Morrison and then rolls the Shaman of Sexy back in the ring for a pin attempt that gets a two count. Tyson “Screaming Mimi” Kidd applies a chinlock. Morrison fights out, ducks a Kidd clothesline, then wraps Kidd in a crucifix for a pin. Kidd tosses Morrison to the outside so Smith can do some damage and WGN’s advertisers can try to sell me some stuff.

We return to more screaming and rest holds by Kidd. Morrison turns the tide with a back suplex. We get to see the replay, which is sponsored by 7-11. Morrison hits a few punches, and then hits the cool dancing bicycle kick he hit on Kane last week. A leaping leg lariat by Morrison gets two. Morrison stays on the attack with a European (North American…since we hate foreigners) uppercut. However, Morrison whips Kidd into the rope and puts his head down (Face Mistake #2432) and gets kicked right in the noggin, but retaliates with a clothesline that sends Kidd to the floor. Morrison ascends to the top turnbuckle to do some damage, but Smith stands between the Guru of Greatness and Smith’s fallen partner. This loyalty pisses off the ref, who ejects the excess Canadians from ringside. Why eject Natalya? She didn’t do anything! Anti-Canadian ref! Without any Canadians blocking his path, Morrison is able to hit a slick spinning splash, but only gets two on the pin attempt. Morrison tries to hit his rolling neckbreaker, but Kidd escapes. A re-energized Kidd kicks Morrison and beats the tar out of him in the corner. Morrison slips out of the corner and tries for a German suplex (More moves named after foreign countries…BOOOOOO), but Kidd rolls him up. One pin attempt for each guy, but neither gets the three count. Kidd hits Morrison with a spinning kick and a low dropkick and follows with a flip kick over the ropes, and finishes the move set with a sunset flip on Morrison, who retorts by hitting the running knee on Kidd. Morrison leaps to the ropes, connects with Starship Pain, and that’s aboot it for the evil Candian. Eh?

Winner: John Morrison

Rating:

This was a pretty well-paced match. Good performance by both men. An extra half a Doc Brown for not having Kane in it.

Since, God forbid, we have to have something useless in every show, let’s go to the Ask a Diva segment…I guess this is what they do with the Divas who can’t really wrestle.

Whoa, wait a minute…Katie Lea is on here…and her voice is as hot as she is. Wow, she could give Stevie Wonder a boo-nair.

Wow, Michelle McCool. I know what they can ask her:

Question: I can’t seem to get ahead at work. I don’t have a lot of talent, but I’m sorta’ hot in a trailer-trash sorta’ way. What should I do?

McAnswer: That’s easy. Find the guy in the office with the most “cred” and start screwing him. You’ll get a promotion and a championship…err, better office, in no time.

Later, we’re going to see Primo vs. Randy Orton. Not an ideal main event, but not too terrible. There’s got to be one more match…I’m scared that it hasn’t been mentioned. I’m guessing divas or Hornswoggle. Let’s see if I’m right.

Okay, I’m wrong…as William Regal is out for ECW. Regal is awesome. He needs to teach a class in douchebaggery.

William Regal vs. Yoshi Tatsu

This might be an obscure joke, but Yoshi’s music sounds like the music in Revenge of the Nerds when Takashi had to ride a tricycle drunk during the fraternity games. I tried to link to it here so you could compare, but finding the song online is like trying to find a purple frickin’ unicorn. Do yourself a favor and rent the movie. It’s one of the best comedies of all time.

Okay, that reference took too long; let’s get to the match. A kick by Yoshi starts things off. Regal combats that by clamping on an arm wringer. Yoshi escapes with a flip and catches Regal in a leg lock. Several leg lock variations later, Regal escapes to the ropes and both men reset. Regal grabs Yoshi in front face lock, but Yoshi turns that into a headlock, which Regal escapes by busting loose with a simply smashing capture suplex. Yoshi takes a powder on the outside, but Regal follows up lifting Yoshi onto his shoulders and dropping Yoshi’s head on the ring apron. Regal gets back in the ring and kicks the snot out of Yoshi as the Asian tries to re-enter the ring. Regal follows the stomping with an uppercut and a forearm shot. Regal locks on what looks like a modified cobra clutch, but Yoshi escapes with kicks. Regal decides it’s time to bust out another wicked suplex, and hits Yoshi with a nice butterfly suplex. Regal returns to a chinlock. Yoshi gets to his feet, but Regal hits a knee and some European uppercuts. Yoshi combats Regal’s assault by nailing some stiff kicks and follows with some screaming. A spinning heel kick by Yoshi sends Regal to the mat. Yoshi charges Regal in the corner, mounts the second turnbuckle, and hits some sweet chops to Regal’s neck, but Sir William pushes him off and hits a running forarm. Yoshi tries to leap to the second rope, but Regal just pulls his legs out from under him, sending Yoshi face first to the mat. Regal actually hits the running knee strike and GETS THE THREE!! Whoa!! A pig just flew by my window and the weatherman says it’s going to be zero degrees in Hades tomorrow!!

Winner (for a change): William Regal

Rating:

This match was great, for what it was. Besides, Regal was in it, and he won! It wasn’t super long, but both guys performed admirably. Seriously, Regal has more wrestling and acting ability than 75 percent of the WWE roster. Even when he isn’t trying, he looks like a complete dick…awesome. Yoshi didn’t look too bad, either. He just seems like a guy you get behind, even if he is one of them there fur’ners. What the fuck are robster craws!?!

Did you know that more people watched Superstars last week than watched paint try, linoleum curl, slugs crawl, yaks fornicate, and beaches erode. It’s true!!

After our pointless fact of the week, we get a video package of MVP. This is the guy who lost to Funaki twice, right? I guess he needs something to get t he momentum going after not being able to beat Chris Masters.

I need a bedazzled king of spades shirt like Jerry has…my birthday’s next week…hint hint.

Raw Rebound time!! I watched most of RAW this week and was rewarded with one of the worst shows I’ve ever seen! Want specifics? Well, whether you want them or not, here’s why I hated RAW:

  Shaquille O’Neal is one of the slowest talkers I’ve ever heard. He makes Randy Orton seem like the Micro Machines guy. (Remember him? Take a look at THIS .) Also, all of his jokes seemed written by third-graders. Chris-tina!! Get it?!? He’s calling CHRIS Jericho CHRISTINA!! That’s a girl’s name!! Ha ha ho ho ho!! COMEDY GOLD! And calling Big Show FAT!! Cleverness, thy name is Shaquille. All that was missing was Shaq retorting to a Jericho joke by shouting, “Your MOM!”

We got ANOTHER Hornswoggle vs. Chavo match. Man, I wonder who Chavo pissed off. We also got to see Hornswoggle try to dunk a basketball…that’s funny!

We got Cryme Tyme in the main event. I don’t have anything against them, really, but the main event? Really? Is that the only way to get Shaq involved?

Evan Bourne wins, but doesn’t get anything for it? Umm….the hell?!? I was excited when he won, but then figured out that only Jack Thhhwagger was the only one of the two competing for the title shot. Why bother with variety in the title picture?

Which brings me to my next problem…Cena AGAIN!?! Come on, just have him win the damn belt and get it over with so HHH can take it so he can win more titles than Flair. Not only are we going to see Cena vs. Orton again, we got there by sitting through another Cena vs. Miz match. Paul Burchill can’t win a match against the New Talent Initiative guys, but The Frickin’ Miz is fighting main-event-level guys?!

I got to see a six-diva tag match in which two divas didn’t really participate. I think Rosa broke up a move and Kelly did something at the end, but having 325 divas on the roster is ridiculous if half of them can’t wrestle. It’s not like the ones who CAN wrestle are ugly…as I mentioned a week or so ago, there are three tag teams, but 50 divas…jeez.

Chris Masters returns, which is bad enough, but then he...goes to a double count-out with MVP?!? That ending didn’t make a damn bit of sense. I realize an MVP/Chris Masters feud is abrewin’, but why not have Masters win outright? Trying to preserve MVP’s impeccable record? A few months back, the guy was losing to Kung Fu Naki!! Arrrrgggh!

Michael Cole shouldn’t be allowed near black people (Boom-shaq-a-alcka…ugh). He’s whiter than Liquid Paper.

The WWE is so devoid of creative ability, they have to steal an ESPN commercial…as Santino played Scrabble with Shaq and Shaq seemed to have a limitless supply of Qs, so he could spell words like “Shaqtus” and “Shaqtastic.” How’s about “Qrap” and “Suq”?!?

That rant was a little longer than I intended, but just like Terry Funk, I SAID WHAT NEEDED TO BE SAID!! (Man, I love THIS clip.)

Okay, now that I’ve calmed down, I’m reminded that Jeremy Piven is going to host RAW. I hear is supposed to be a real asshole. I’m sure he’ll add all of nothing to RAW. The last movie I saw him in was Smokin’ Aces. The movie sucked big time. I’m so looking forward to RAW.

Also on Raw, HHH is taking on Legacy two guys he’s beaten every way possible fifteen different times. Man, RAW’s shaping up to be a big pile of crap…

As if all of this news isn’t bad enough, we get an interview with the automaton that is Randy Orton. I would never to go out to eat with him; it must take him three hours to order.

Randy Orton (without emotion) vs. Primo (without Carlito)

So tonight we’re going to have a Colon vs. an ass…huh. I’m glad they split up the Colons so they could both job in singles competition. Apparently, Paul Burchill, Goldust, Jamie Noble, Jimmy Wang Yang, Ricky Ortiz, Charlie Haas, Chavo, Santino, The Brian Kendrick, Jesse, Festus, and the local talent they have Vladimir Kozlov beat every week just aren’t enough jobbers for the roster. Whatever.

Orton decides to switch it up this week by going right to a headlock. An Orton shoulderblcok sends Primo flying. Orton shows his rage with a look that is almost something other than nothing. (Confused? Exactly.) Orton applies another headlock, and then hits another shoulderblock. I can already tell this is going to be another Randy Orton gem. Primo is allowed to get in an armdrag on Orton as he comes off the ropes. I chuckle as I see a “Carlito has Lice” sign. Some passable chain wrestling leads to some more arm drags by Primo. This confuses Orton, who needs to leave the ring for a bit to figure out what’s going on. More posturing leads to some kicks and punches by Orton. Orton beats Primo into the corner, but Primo fights back with a takedown, some punches, and a couple of dropkicks. Primo bounces Orton off the ropes, but Orton holds on to escape a dropkick by primo. The ref tells Primo it’s time for some commercials, so Primo rolls out of the ring to take a break.

When we return from commercial Orton has a chinlock locked on…that’s a switch. During the break, Orton pushed primo into the apron. Orton hits a European uppercut, a stomp, and then chokes and stomps Primo. Seriously, Orton hasn’t done one move that I couldn’t do…and I once lost an arm wrestling contest to a mongoloid. Orton hits what could be the fruitiest kick I’ve ever seen on Primo, then Orton kicks Primo in the head. A lazy ass pin by Orton gets two. Orton takes about ten minutes to hit a leaping knee drop, and gets another two. Orton uses his boot laces to blind Primo and follows up with another kick. Orton with some standing around, then a slightly cooler knee drop. Realizing that he hasn’t bored us enough, Orton locks on a sleeper hold that he switches to a chinlock. I owned some Primo Cologne once…it smelled like a sweaty jobber. Primo fights out and hits a side Russi…Puerto Rican leg sweep, but Orton kicks Primo. However, since Primo has to carry Orton’s lazy ass, he busts out a crazy spinning elbow and a dropkick. Orton charges Primo in the corner, but eats two feet in the face. Primo hits a missile dropkick, but misses a flying bodypress. For the first time ever, Orton’s stalking his opponent with the RKO actually works, and Orton gets the three count.

Winner: Randy Orton

Rating:

I am being ridiculously generous here…but only for Primo’s sake. This match wasn’t completely horrible…despite every effort by Randy Orton to make it so. The guy’s move set is the same as Dustin Diamond’s was on the first episode of that crappy Hulk Hogan wrestling show. I hate Randy Orton. Cantcha’ tell?

1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award: Regal winning a match was fantastic. Yoshi, Morrison, and Kidd’s performances all get second place.

Biff Tannen Butthead Award: Two words: Randy Orton.o words: Randy Orton.

That’s it for me this week. Next week, I’ll be one year older. Ugh. Have a “great” weekend. “Great” Scott out!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).