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“Great” Scott’s WWE Superstars Recap for July 29, 2010

Hello, everyone, “Great” Scott’s back after a week off to sit front row at a “Weird Al” concert and spend time with family.  I realize family and seeing my childhood hero doesn’t SOUND as much fun as wasting two hours of my time watching and writing about a piss-poor wrestling show, but you’ll have to accept it.  As a matter of fact, I’ve even posted of a picture of me with the world’s greatest bass guitarist, Steve Jay, just to rub in the fact that I was doing something more fun than watching the Bellas trick Jillian into losing for the 1,002 time. 

Seriously, though, even if you’re not a huge fan of the guy, it’s worth paying $25 bucks to go see “Weird Al.”  The guy still puts on a damned good show, even at 50.  It’s clever, it’s funny, and it’s actually really family friendly.  Can’t say that about a lot of comedy these days.

Now, before we continue to the fun this week, I have something else I would like to mention.  I think I’ve been doing this recap for almost about two years now, and that being the case, I think I might have a special recap coming up in the next two weeks.  I’ll be out of town next week (it’s my birthday next Thursday and I’m sure as hhhhheeeellll not going to spend one minute of it watching WWE Superstars), so I might return with a double-sized edition the following week, change some things up, and let loose with some crazy surprises (not including explosive flatulence).

Well, with those two things out of the way, let’s get to my top ten list, which was inspired by last week’s creation of the Nexus catchphrase, “You’re either Nexus or your against us.”

Top Ten Ideas the WWE Creative Team Rejected for the Nexus Catchphrase

         Nexus…it means connected group or series, according to Random House Dictionary!

         Nexus…it’s still real to us, DAMNIT!

         You’re either Nexus, or your sexist.

         You’re either Nexus, or we’ll call you Alexis, which is insulting because it’s a GIRL’S name.

         Nexus…we’ll break your back and make you humble, you piece of shit, motherf@#$er.

         You’re either Nexus, or you’ll get wrecked by us!

         Nexus…we’re nothing like the NWO, we promise!

         You’re either Nexus…hey, where did that Danielson kid go?

         Nexus…we’re all better than Maven!

         Nexus…just waiting to kick your leg outta’ your leg!!

         BONUS:  Nexus…you got 21, we got 22!

This week’s show starts out all kinds of awesome, because I’m treated to…

Santino Marella and Vladimir Kozlov vs. William Regal and Primo

Let me guess who’s going to win this match…and Primo had himself a nice little winning streak going. 

We start things off with Santino and Regal.  Santino show off his awesome martial arts repertoire for a bit before Regal has had enough and snares him in an arm bar.  Santino tries to escape with rolls and flips, and eventually walks around the ring like he has a stick up his ass.  The comedy ends when Regal backs Santino into his corner and tags Primo.  The two switch hammerlocks, until Santino gets his groove on, clamps on a side headlock, and tags out to Kozlov.  Kozlov rapes Primo in the corner, punctuating this off with a powersl…no, Primo escapes, and gains the upper hand by clipping the Russian’s knee.  Primo takes Kozlov down and tags to Regal, who goes right to work on Kozlov’s leg.  Is Santino actually going to be the hot tag in this match?  Dear God.  Regal continues to work the knee, but Kozlov tags out and Santino pumps up (or has a seizure) before hitting Regal, who is simply befuddled by the idiocy that Santino is displaying, with the Cobra punch.  This sends Regal running for the hills as though he’s just been prison shanked.  Santino threatens to hit Primo with the Cobra punch, so he hauls ass as we go to commercials.

Quizno’s has returned to using weird singing animals in their commercials…I liked the sponge monkeys way better than these mutant cats.  Compare for yourself…

The Old Quizno’s Commercial

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aZrks-BPeLQ

The New Quizno’s Commercial

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aD3y6DAeK_A

They should’ve stuck with the sponge moneys, in my opinion.

When we return, Primo has Santino in a headlock, but Primo escapes and hits a hip toss, an arm drag, and a bodyslam before crashing down on the knees of Primo.  Regal tags back in and angrily beats on Santino.  Santino tries a sunset flip, but Regal just sits on him and tags to Primo.  Primo flings Santino to the corner with some crazy force and then clamps on a front facelock.   Primo backs his opponent to the heel corner and tags to Regal, who distracts the ref, allowing Primo to get some shots in.  Regal continues to punish Santino with an abdominal stretch, but Santino hip tosses his way out.  Regal tags out and Primo…uh oh, blows a frog splash.  Both men are down…but Santino makes the tag first.  Kozlov pummels Primo, hitting the powerslam he couldn’t hit earlier.  Regal prevents a pin, but he’s chased out of the ring by Santino.  Back in the ring, Primo mounts the turnbuckles and stays there for about an hour until Kozlov can stand up and get in position to catch him.  Kozlov obliges and hits his chokeslam to get the win for Team Comedy.  Break out the trombones!!

Winners: Santino and Kozlov

Rating: 

That match was only average, but the comedy was worth a half point alone.

After the match, we get an NXT recap.  The WWE writer monkeys prove how awesome they are by awarding immunity to Hennig’s kid and then putting him at number one in the rankings.  And if you think fan voting has anything to do with this, I have some oceanfront property in Utah I’d like to sell you.

Then, to prove what a useless waste of space and oxygen he is, Eli Cottonwood gets eliminated and then takes part in the worst, most awkward “beatdown” I’ve ever seen.  Dude can’t even throw a punch convincingly.  Best part is, they send him BACK OUT to try it again (I’m convinced that’s why they made him come back out), and he sucks WORSE the second time.  However, I don’t feel bad for Eli…he’s a shoe in if they ever do Deliverance II.

Because the first match was good, we have to balance things out with…

Chris Masters vs. Caylen Croft (with Trent Barreta)

Croft with a quick duck and punch.  Masters, as always, no-sells and hits a delayed suplex.  Masters follows up with a chop, but whiffs on a clothesline in the corner.  Croft punches away at Masters in the corner, but Masters keeps shrugging him off.  Croft downs Masters with a clever move out of the corner and starts working on Masters’ leg.  Croft takes a page out of Curt Hennig’s book with the stepover toehold with a knee drop to the knee.  Masters fights out and hits a trio of clotheslines. Masters no-sells some more, hitting a tilt-a-whirl powerslam and getting a two count.  He goes for a press slam and decides his knee hurts again, and drops Croft.  Masters sends Croft to the outside, but Masters continues to dominate, eventually locking Trent Barreta in the MasterLock.  Masters tosses Croft back in, but Croft clips his knee and hits a low DDT on Masters TO GET THE WIN!!!  Will wonders never cease?

Winner:  Caylen Croft

Rating: 

That win brought Caylen Croft to 1 and 421 against non-local talent.  Good for him.  That match wasn’t bad…plus bonus points for a Dudebusters’ win.

Again with that Quizno’s commercial…

Upon our return to the show, we’re treated to a video package on perhaps the most poorly-booked champion in WWE history…Rey Mysterio.  The guy has had the belt two or three times for a total of like three and a half hours.  Seriously, why even bother?  When Santino’s IC reign is longer than your title reign…you’re in some trouble.

Next, it’s a RAW recap.  Cena says he has put together a “mega team.”  I don’t know about Cena, but I wouldn’t put two guys I hate, a stroke victim, and a guy who doesn’t speak English on my “mega team.”  I love this angle…make Cena’s situation look hopeless so he can single-handled beat Nexus and shut this angle down.  So far, I still have to say I like how this has been booked so far.  I’m not as cynical as some, but I’m still waiting for this to be ruined.

Well, recaps out of the way, it’s time for our main event.

MVP (with Percy Watson) vs. Chavo Guerrero

Is it wrong that I’d rather see Watkins in this match?

Look!!  Chavo has changed up his tights!  I don’t get why they do that…no one wants to see Jericho’s Canadian bacon-colored legs, and Chavo looks just is bad in these tights.

We get some good chain wrestling to start, from leg scissors to side headlocks.  MVP eventually clamps on an inverted chinlock, but Chavo gets to the ropes.  MVP fights back with some punches and a horrible-looking dropkick (that Striker tries to explain into being strategic).  MVP stays on the offense with a reverse Russian leg sweep and a big knee drop.  He follows up with an armbar, but Chavo escapes and briefly fights back.  MVP hits a flying forearm, a back bodydrop, and a clothesline that sends Chavo to the outside.  MVP has been horribly awkward in this match so far.  Let’s escape this awkwardness with some commercials, shall we?

Hulk Hogan might not want to rip anymore shirts…I’m hearing that Linda wants more money.  Hogan might need all the clothing he can get.

I would rather own an inflatable dartboard than an iRenew bracelet.

When we return, MVP avoids colliding with the turnbuckles, only to be dropkicked to the floor by Chavo.  Guerrero follows MVP to the floor and unleashes with punches and kicks.  Chavo hits a rolling splash and applies an armbar after a little bit of posing.  A little bit of clumsy back and forth sees Chavo dropkick MVP into the corner.  Chavo hits a shortarm clothesline and goes for a cover that gets a two count.  Chavo applies a modified camel clutch, but MVP escapes and drops Chavo with an electric chair.  Chavo goes for a clothesline and MVP hits an exploder suplex that’s his first competently-performed move of the match.  MVP continues to go through his series of moves, culminating with the Ballin’ Elbow.  He signals for whatever finishing move he’s doing this week, but Chavo escapes and goes for his Three Amigos.  He hits two, but MVP hits a German suplex after the second Amigo.  MVP gets up only to eat a rolling heel kick from Chavo.  Chavo goes to the top for the frog splash, but MVP meets him.  Chavo leaps off the top rope after some back and forth, and MVP boots him in the face.  MVP gets a 2.89 count and tries to follow up with a delayed suplex, but Chavo knees his way out.  Chavo goes for a rollup, but MVP kicks out at 2.74.  Chavo tries to stay on the offensive, but MVP hits the Play of the Day outta’ nowhere for the win.

Winner:  MVP

Rating: 

MVP may be a pretty crappy wrestler, but this match was relatively well performed.  There was some nice give and take at the end.

Well, that really wasn’t a horrible show…it’ll actually be hard to give out these awards, but I’ll try my best.

The Golden Batarang Award:  It’s a three-way tie: Santino’s comedy, a member of The Dudebusters winning a match, and NO BELLAS!!

The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:  MVP getting worse by the day…When he was a heel, he seemed like he had some promise.  Remember when he used to fight that Canadian guy…what was his name again?  Carl Grenoit?  Charles Bunwarmer?  I remember he used to do a flying headbutt and some move called the Cauliflower Crossface or something…hmm.

Well, folks, another week, another show.  I hope you all have a “great” weekend.  I’ll see you in two weeks my super-duper, double-sized, extra-special recap (with plenty of hyphenated words)!!

 

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).