Greetings, one and all, “Great” Scott here, doing the watching so you don’t have to! However, before we get to the fun and excitement that is WWE Superstars, allow me to re-introduce my special feature,
“Great” Scott’s Recommendation of the Week!
This week’s recommendation is an XBOX 360 game: Saint’s Row 2. I picked this gem up used from my local game store, and it far exceeded my expectations. If you were disappointed by GTA IV and its boring story, lack of real progress (I'm a poor Russian immigrant at the beginning and a poor Russian immigrant at the end), and constant shuttling of your “friends” to chicken restaurants, pool halls, and bowling alleys, give SR2 a shot. It’s a blast, and you can play through the entire story with a buddy. Great stuff…no pun intended.
Now, on to the show. Actually, this week, I did a little research on what I’d be subjecting myself to on the show. Let’s play a game of “Which of these things isn’t like the others,” shall we?
- Evan Bourne vs. Jamie Noble
- Christian vs. William Regal
- John Morrison vs. Kane.
Kane?!? Really?!? So help me if he wins…after Morrison beat Punk twice…that would be absolutely ridiculous. However, I’ve learned that with Vince and Co., logic and momentum be damned.
So, on to the show…really this time. I’m surprised that the curtain jerker match isn't what I thought, as we start with…
Christian vs. William Regal
Christian in first. Regal in to a nice chorus of boos. Man, I wish Regal could get a win or two, he is the prototypical heel. Randy Orton should watch Regal's facial expressions to learn a thing or two. Regal constantly looks like someone farted. Awesome.
Match starts with a tie up….and a loooooong one at that. The tie up is broken up in the corner so the competitors can…lock in another collar and elbow tie up. Regal locks in a headlock out of the corner, but it's reversed into a snapmare by Christian. Christian kicks Regal and goes for an insanely pointless pin attempt. A punch by Christian sends Regal out. Christian hits a leaping baseball slide-type move, but epically fails when trying to follow up with flying body press. CRASH AND BURN! Regal brings Christian back in and tries for a cover. Regal applies a neck wrench, then switches to a headlock. Christian escapes with a top overhand wristlock and sends Regal down. Regal with a nice bridge. He manages to drop toehold Christian. Regal mounts Christian (not that way, you pervert) and grinds his forearm across Captain Charisma's face. Christian tries to escape, but Regal whips him to the corner. Regal charges, which we KNOW isn't going to work, and Christian confirms that with an elbow and the spinning forearm elbow thing that Matt Striker fails to relate to the Street Fighter move. Christian sets Regal up for a spinning DDT off the second rope, but Regal says "no bloody way, you miserable toe rag," and shoves Christian to the outside. Regal gives the victory "V" (It's not peace sign; he's a heel!!). Man, I thought that was a commercial move there. "You suck," chant that actually doesn’t seem pumped in. Regal steps on Christian with BOTH FEET (that's how you do it, Big Show and Mark Henry), then hits a European uppercut. Regal returns to the neck wrench (See WWE superstars, you can use psychology AND vary your offense). Christian escapes with punches, but is promptly thrown to the corner. An elbow by Regal sends Christian to the outside, and NOW we go to commercial…but not before Regal gives the double victory sign…even though we know there's no chance in hell he's going to win…irony anyone!?!?
Back to the match, as we see Regal with a full nelson. During the commercial, Regal places Christians head against a ring post and tries to crack it like a coconut. Christian tries to regain some momentum with a sunset flip, but Regal stops that shat bloody cold. Regal with another cover, and then another full nelson. Christian gets back up and breaks the hold with elbows to the face…but I guess they tried to do a “heads colliding” spot, because Christian went to the outside. Christian gets back in the ring, and hits a shoulder block by Christian. He hits a flying dropkick, and another flying dropkick, but only gets a two count. Christian hits an old school elbow drop, and a body slam. Just in case we've forgotten, Christian shows us where the ceiling, the sky, and heaven are (He is CHRISTIAN, for crying out loud.) by point up a few times. Christian goes for a headbutt like He Who Shall Not Be Named used to do (coughBenoitcough), but Regal moves out of the way. Regal regains control with punches, but Christian manages to try for the Kill Switch, but Regal counters with a t-bone exploder suplex that looks wicked. Regal tries to hit his knee that never connects, but he misses by a country mile (surprising). Christian hits a mule kick to Regal's gut and jumps to the second rope. Christian leaps off the ropes with a sunset flip for the three count.
I’m feeling generous; I like both of these guys; and it was about the best you’re going to see on Superstars. Good job by both performers. Plus, there were two funny signs about someone liking the WNBA and someone having T-Rex arms (I think it might’ve been Cena, but Benoit and Rhyno would be much better candidates).
Did you know that more people watched Superstars than…scrambled porn, the golf channel, Telemundo, and every infomercial but the one for the Magic Bullet. At least I think that's what it said.
Evan Bourne (with Swanky New Tights) vs. Jamie Noble (with Zero Momentum or Heat)
Wow, Jamie Noble still works here? You learn something new everyday. We start with a tie up. Noble starts things off with an arm wrench. Bourne flips up out of the hold and hits an arm drag. Bourne hits a super high dropkick and follows up with an arm bar. Noble up. He whips Bourne into the ropes and hits a two armed shot ala Chris Benoit (WHO!?!?). Pin attempt and some knees by Noble are following up by another pin. A neck wrench by Noble is accompanied by redneck jokes by The King. Bourne is up. He manages to trip up Noble and hit a nice seated dropkick. Noble is back up and he shoves Bourne to the outside. Noble throws Bourne back in and tries two pins. Noble busts out a rear naked choke/camel clutch-looking hold. Bourne manages to get back up and hit some punches, but Noble hits him in the melon with an elbow. Bourne hits some kicks, fails with a follow up, but stays positive and succeeds with a spinning heel kick. Bourne hulks up as much as a guy who looks like he's twelve can hulk up. Bourne with some kicks and punches, and then he hits a FrankenBourner. Noble escapes a pin by going to the ropes, then to the outside. Bourne hits a flying body press to the outside.
Evan tosses Noble back in and tries to go for the most beautiful shooting star press in the world. However, Noble stops him…only delaying the inevitable. A surprisingly not blocked superplex by Noble gets a 2.743 count. Noble tries a charge, but Bourne puts two feet squarely in his face. However, Noble is upset by this and kicks Bourne to the outside. Evan Bourne, upset by the persistence of someone who nobody even remembers was still with the company, decides to end this match by hitting a sweet jumping kick to the side of Noble's melon. This manages to put the former Pitbull in the perfect position for the shooting star press. A three count ends it. Man, that was a nice little match.
Winner: Evan Bourne
Again, I'm feeling pretty generous. It's a shame that these two are going nowhere in a hurry while Mark Henry, Kane, and the Great Khali are all getting pushes.
If I had DVR, I would run through each of the tag teams and figure out which of these do and don’t (the frickin’ Bushwhackers?!?) belong on the tape. They should’ve come to me for this. I could’ve given them some great ideas: Disorderly Conduct, High Voltage, The Beverly Brothers, Supply and Demand (The Godfather and Val Venis), Charlie Haas and Viscera, Rikishi and Rico, Hawk and Rip Rogers at Battlebowl (Lots of extra credit to anyone who remembers THAT team.)
I’ve got to say, Jericho’s “I can use SAT words to insult the audience” shtick is getting sort of old. He’s started to become a slow talker like Randy Orton…except Jericho seems to have purchased a thesaurus. Watch this:
Jericho, your verbose soliloquies are becoming antiquated in short order, you tedious fop. Please attempt to vary your antics so you don't juxtapose your flummery with your blandishment.
See, I can access www.dictionary.com, too.
Wow, a RAW Rebound that involves Orton, Legacy, HHH, and John Cena?!? WWE – Where Variety Happens!! Speaking of variety, during the clips we see a great set of moves from the heel team, like kicks, punches, kicks, and punches. I can understand this from Orton and Rhodes…their fathers weren’t much better, but come on, Ted, Jr. Your father knew about 27 different suplexes…DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN PUNCH OR KICK!!
Chris Jericho’s partner at Night of Champion is going to be Bastion Booger…I just know it.
Rundown of the Night of Champions card…which doesn’t really seem that offensive. Not worth the price, but not super terrible.
Speaking of super terrible, we’re on to our main event…
Kane vs. Commercials!!
Shaq is going to host RAW on Monday. Hey, The Big Show, Mark Henry, and Festus will have some competition for the Most Useless Load on RAW award!!
And now we’re REALLY back, with…
Kane vs. John Morrison
How can Morrison see with crosses on his glasses? Inquiring minds want to know. Morrison starts quickly with a headlock. Kane shoulderblocks Morrison as the Shaman of Something or Other bounces off the ropes. Morrison tries some kicks and punches, and then kicks a charging Kane. Kane misses a boot, and Morrison tries to follow up with head scissors. However, Kane proves that he pretty much sucks by awkwardly dumping Morrison over the top rope…sort of. Morrison slips in and hits a spinning uppercut, then clothelines Kane to the outside. Morrison whiffs on a baseball slide (which was as awkward as the previous move), and then is caught as he tries a move off the apron. Kane slams Morrison into ring apron and tosses the former Johnny Nitro back in the ring. Kane gets Morrison in the corner, then puts his foot in his face. Kane then hits one of his three moves: a seated dropkick. After expending that much energy, Kane has to go to the rest hold. Kane puts Morrison put down with a clubbing blow to the back, but is elbowed charging. Morrison busts out with a crazy handstand kick, but tries a sunset flip and is grabbed by the throat by Kane. However, Morrison dropkicks his way out in a nice spot. Morrison charges, but is back body dropped out of the ring so WWE can pay the bills.
We’re back, to a rest hold?!?! By Kane?!? Wow, who woulda’ thunk it? Lazy man’s camel clutch and a shot to the back of Morrison's head by Kane. Kane hits a boot to the head and another BIG HUGE TITANIC punch and a cover. Kane hits a delayed suplex, and he’s frustrated that these basic moves aren’t getting it done. After an energy-sapping suplex, we return to the rest holds, as Kane locks in a bear hug. Morrison tries to escape with elbows, but is thrust into the corner. Kane tries a side slam, but Morrison escapes with a pretty kick ass spinning DDT. I'll give it to John Morrison, he's almost making Kane not look like a big stiff. Morrison with punches… and another sweet dropkick, then two more…and it gets a one count. You've got to be kidding me. Kane shoves off Morrison, but he keeps up the beating. Kane with an uppercut out of the corner, then a boot. Kane misses a big leaping elbow, and is promptly hit with a Morrison running knee…for another one count. Seriously, Glenn, sell a move!!! Kane tries a slow-mo charge, but is countered. Morrison tries a move off the top rope, but is caught in a choke slam. Nice flip out by Morrison to the leaping kick off the ropes….which at least gets two. Kane really sells the beating he's been taking by hitting a side slam out of nowhere. Morrison is up to kick Kane, who’s taking a month and a half to climb the ropes. Morrison knocks Kane to the outside and tries for a flying cross body, and Kane, because he can’t possibly lose clean to an up-and-comer who has beaten a world champion twice, throws a chair at the flying Morrison for the DQ. Way to make Morrison look credible. Kane is going to brain Morrison with a chair, but the Great Khali is plodding to the ring…just because. He looks like he has a load of Punjabi Poopoo in his pants; he's walking funny. Kane is distracted by the real star of the Get Smart remake long enough for Morrison to blast him with a chair. Kane then has a sissy looking fight with Khali as he tries to pull the Big Red Machine out of the ring. Kane, who just no-sold nearly every one of Morrison’s moves, hauls ass through the crowd.
Winner: John Morrison (by DQ)
Only because of some nifty moves by John Morrison. Kane is a black hole of talent. John Morrison is going to start talking slowly, looking apathetic, and using copious chinlocks now.
The 1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award: Everything that didn’t involve Kane.
The Biff Tannen Butthead Award: Everything that DID involve Kane.
I’m “Great” Scott, and you’re not. (Sorry, but you’re really not…unless you’re stealing my identity, and then you’re breaking the law.) Have a great weekend, folks!
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).