"Great" Scott's WWE Superstars Recap for July 16, 2009Greetings loyal (and by loyal I mean you’re still here from last week) readers…“Great” Scott here to recap WWE Superstars. I can only hope the main event for this week’s show is the A+ effort of last week’s show…here’s hoping. Before we continue, I'm going to start a new feature: "Great" Scott's Recommendation of the Week!! This week's recommendation: The Hangover. I thought the movie wouldn't live up to the hype, but it did. I'm not usually a fan of drunk/drug comedies (for example, I wasn't a big fan of Old School), but this movie was pretty darned funny. Let’s start by having two of the three surviving tag teams (I will NOT consider Jericho and whoever they’re going to stick with him because of Edge’s injury a tag team) battle it out…There must be a limit on the number of tag teams Vince can keep track of. It’s a shame, too…the Harts vs. the Colons could’ve been gold. Cryme Tyme (wit’ Eve Torres, yo) vs. The Hart Dynasty (with Natalya Neidhart, eh?) Is it wrong that Nattie Neidhart is the most masculine member of the Canadian trio? She’s still pretty hot, though. Power men start for their respective teams. We start with a lockup. Smith to the corner, followed by a punch by Smith and forearms back and forth. Knees and an arm wrench by Smith. Shad hits a clothesline out of the corner and follows with an elbow. Smith strikes back with a headbutt to the gut, but whiffs on a short arm clothesline. Shad sets up Smith for his STO-ish finisher, but Smith squirms out…so Shad hits some kicks and a shoulder tackle instead. Tyson Kidd tries to interfere, but Shad says, "Oh no you di'int," and powerslams his punk ass. Shad signals that he's going to hit Tito Santana's flying forearm…oh, actually, he's just going to clothesline Kidd's head off. It would've been better to see the flying forearm (or the Flying Jalapeño as Bobby Heenan used to say). The Canadians regroup on the outside of the ring so we can go to commercials. Back to Shad slamming Kidd. Man, Shad is working HARD tonight. Kidd escapes and clips Shad's leg out of his leg (R.I.P. Owen Hart). Smith continues to work the leg. Standing Indian deathlock-type hold. Smith turns the leglock into a pretty sweet bridge in which he stands on his head. At least Smith is using creative rest holds now. Kidd back in to wrap Shad's leg around the ropes. Kidd pulls him out of corner and continues to work the leg. Man, Nattie is smoking hot…and Eve’s no slouch, either. Tag back to Smith…who continues to work the leg. Odd series where Smith looks like he doesn’t quite know what to do…as he’s doing a weird Boston crab-type hold. Smith tries a standing figure-fourish hold that Shad rolls into a small package. Smith tags to Kidd who screams and continues the leg locks. Shad pushes off with his MASSIVE BLACK POWER and sends Kidd to the outside. Shad’s a modern day John Henry! Tag to JTG who hits Kidd, who's still on the floor, with a leaping shoulder block off the apron…BOOYAH! Kidd back in the ring, where he's hit with a JTG flipping shoulder block and dropkick. Because they don't enforce enough black stereotypes, JTG does some crazy little dance, and then hits a clothesline. Nattie tries to get involved, but is awkwardly tackled by Eve. While this is going on, Smith tries to get involved, only to get clotheslined out of the ring by Shad, whose leg seems to be miraculously healed. PRAISE JESUS! JTG hits a back-breaker-esque move on Kidd to get the three count. Man, the Canadians can’t seem to catch a break…it sucks to be the fourth best tag team when there only three teams around. What’s that all aboot?!? Winners: Cryme Tyme Rating: This match really wasn’t all that bad…nice psychology working the leg. I would, however, like to see Tyson Kidd do more than leg locks. Leave that to DH Smith. Before I continue, I'd like to rant a bit. Seriously, what's the WWE's deal with the tag division? I've never been a fan of trying to be a booker or talent scout, but I could easily team up some guys that are floundering in the mid- and lower cards. Haas and Benjamin need to be a permanent team, and they need to resume the cocky image they used to have. Throw Sheamus and Finlay together and do the same with Regal and Paul Burchill. My god, I'm betting no one even remembers pre-pirate Paul anymore. Have The Big Show and The Miz make up and become Show Mizness. Have Goldust team with the returning Hurricane (perhaps the Hurricane saves Goldust from being beaten by Legacy) and call them the Superfreaks. Get Ric Flair back and team him with Zack Ryder and call them the Woo Woo WOOS! I just thought of these in five minutes…it doesn't take much. C'mon WWE!! Rant over…thanks for your patience. We head to the back, where Rey Mysterio is WALKING!! We’re going to hear from him NEXT!! John Cena has granted over 125 wishes…more than any other superstar. I actually Googled that, and 123 of those wishes were for John Cena to leave the room. The kids were dying…they didn't need to suffer any more. Bootycall bootycall 6-1-9, Reymond Stereo!! Rey gives headbutts to a few kids in the audience..if I were their parents, I would sue. Those kids could end up dain bramaged. Rey wants to be known as greatest intercontinental champion…um, after Randy Savage, Ricky Steamboat, Bret Hart, Mr. Perfect, Shawn Michaels, Tito Santana, Goldust, Kurt Angle, Edge, Christian, Owen Hart, The Rock, The Honky Tonk Man, and Razor Ramon…you might stand a chance. I'll say that Rey has Ken Shamrock, Test, and Chyna beat out. Rey starts talking crazy Spanglish. Did he just say he wanted chicken and rice? Or did he ask the audience where the bathroom was? Anyway, we see footage of Dolph Ziggler clotheslining and hitting his finisher on Rey. Rey calls Ziggler a coward and then asks for the check in Spanish (I think…it’s been a while since I've had high school Spanish). Out comes Ziggler to a chorus of boos. He also tells us, "Me llamo Dolph Ziggler." Rey likens Ziggler to a peacock..and then says he’s beaten better than Dolph Ziggler…to which Ziggler takes offense. Rey challenges Ziggler to step into the ring. Ziggler says he’ll only fight on HIS terms…Rey tells Ziggler he sucks, then gives him a title match at Night of Champions, where he’ll introduce him to the seis-uno-nueve. Way to show him Rey…teach Dolph a lesson by giving him EXACTLY WHAT HE ASKS FOR!! Muy loco, amigo!! Ziggler comes down to the ring, removes his awesome leather vest, climbs to the second ring step….and RUNS LIKE A SCARED LITTLE BITCH. Rey chases him and hits a double axhandle. Dolph runs like un pequeño pollo. Oh, goody, another commercial for 12 Rounds. I did some research and I want to clear up. They don’t mean that 12 Rounds is the number one selling movie in America, they mean it’s the first movie on the rack…because it starts with a number, and those movies are usually before the “A” movies. Seriously, I’d rather own Earnest Scared Stupid than any movie starring John Cena. We’re back, with Katie Lea Burchill looking UBER HOT! Last week on ECW, the Bellas conspired to beat Katie Lea by using tactics perfected by the 80s tag team sensation The Conquistadors.
Katie Lea Burchill (sans Paul Burchill) vs. One of the Bellas (I think it’s Brie, but I’m sure that won’t last)
The match starts with a quick schoolboy (girl) by the Bella, which is followed by a kick by Katie Lea. Brie bounces off the ropes, Katie Lea puts her head down and Brie kick her and then hits a flying mare (sort of). Brie breaks out a monkey flip…sort of. Bree tries a cross body block (I think), but Katie Lea awkwardly catches her…and delivers an improvised back breaker. Man, that was painful to watch. They seriously need to change the two diva divisions to "Eye Candy" and "Chicks That Can Actually Wrestler." Back to the match, that sees kicks to the gut, a corner snap mare, and a Katie Lea dropkick to the seated Bella. Arm bar by Katie Lea. The Bella gets up and exchanges punches with Katie Lea. The Bella hits a clothesline and two HORRIBLE dropkicks. Katie Lea sends Brie to outside because they won't switch places…not again. Of course, Katie Lea distracts the ref while the non-legal Bella lays next to the other. Both come into ring. The silly official sends the wrong Bella out of the ring (I think…who the hell knows?). In the confusion, the Bella that's in the ring rolls up Katie Lea rolled up for the three. That sucked.
Winner: One of the Bellas…Brie, I assume. Rating: This rating is only because the trickery was slightly funny and Katie Lea is smoking hot when she’s angry. Video package for Hardy vs. Punk. Man, Punk gave a pretty kick ass promo there…but I’ve got one more for you…Do you know what my chances of spending $40 on the Night of Champions PPV are? Yup, zero. Odd video package for R-Truth that serves absolutely no purpose whatsoever. Oh boy, it’s RAW Rebound time!! Goody goody gumdrop! Scott Evil hosted Raw, don’tchaknow. I must say that I enjoyed the Diva match; Mickie James and Gail Kim are absolutely amazing. Man, I didn’t realize that Seth was so small. The main event was Legacy and Orton vs. Cena, HHH, and Seth Green. I wish he would’ve had the match over a pool of sharks with laser beams on their frickin’ heads. That would’ve been awesome. I’ll give Seth some credit; he sells better than Batista. Triple H lowers his batting average with the sledgehammer to .043…missing everything but Rhode’s steel chair. Let’s go to the Quality vs. Quantity match… Kofi Kingston vs. The Big Show This is a non-title match, so I can only guess how this is going to turn out. Since the Big Show expended most of his energy to put on his ring gear, we need to go to some commercials while he catches his breath…it’s a long walk to the ring. We’re back to the show…and here comes the Big Show. Man, he’s getting a little large in the tummy. The match starts with Kofi dodging a lockup and feebly kicking the Big Show. Show hits a mule kick to stop that shit cold. Show with a clubbing forearm. Show chokes Kofi on the ropes, and follows with a chop to the chest. Wow, Show must be angry, he didn't do the "Shhhhh," before the chop. Head butt by Big Show. Big show steps on Kingston, who’s getting some chants that seem pumped in. Punches by Kingston, but a Big Show clothesline knocks Kofi senseless. It’s great to see the new guys getting a chance to show their stuff. Kofi crawls to the corner, where Show picks him up and headbutts him to the outside. Show with a shit-eating grin. This is ridiculous. Big Show pulls Kingston up to the apron by his hair and hits a chop to the chest with Kingston draped backwards over the ropes that is just SO DARNED POWERFUL that it flips Kingston back into the ring. Kingston tries another kick, but is slammed by the big show. Show says, "all night long" to Kingston…which I’m assuming answers Kingston's question about how long the Big Show can spend at the hotel's dinner buffet. Kingston gets up and tries more kicks and bounces off the ropes only to get side slammed by Big Show ala Dino Bravo (USA is NOT OKAY!). Big Show sends Kofi to the corner, but misses the charge so Kofi can steal Christian's upside-down kick. Kingston hits a dropkick, but when Kingston leaps to the corner, Show catches him in the powerbomb position, but just overhead tosses him. Show tries to lock in the camel (Beluga whale? White elephant? Hippopotamus?) clutch, but Kofi escapes. Kingston hits some more kicks, including one to Big Show's knee and actually gets to hit his "boom boom boom" leg drop. After a few self high-fives, Kofi goes for the Trouble in Paradise, which Big Show swats away (Sigh…). Show hits the choke slam…for the pin. Winner: The Big Show Rating: Simply because this main event didn’t involve Hornswoggle…but otherwise, this sucked. I hate when champions get utterly obliterated. The only thing I hate more is when someone beats a tag team singlehandedly. Now for another feature…my weekly awards!! The 1.21 Gigawatts of Awesomeness Award: The tag match was pretty good. Runner up…I didn't have to see Hornswoggle. The Biff Tannen Butthead Award: The diva match was horrible. I can’t understand how the WWE can’t maintain a cruiserweight or tag division, but there can be TWO diva belts and 30 divas on the roster. Also, Big Show could maybe sell a little, no? That's it for me, folks. I'm "Great" Scott, and you're not…see you next week!
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).