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“Great” Scott’s WWE Superstars Recap for July 15, 2010

Okay, I’ve had a pretty miserable day.  Work sucked, my commute home took two hours instead of the normal 45 minutes, and I have to watch a crappy show where half naked men grope each other.  Let’s get this crap out of the way so I can go bed before a meteor hits me.

This past weekend, I went back to my childhood home, Daytona Beach, Florida.  Every time I go back to Daytona, I take a few hours and peruse the local flea market…mostly to look at used video games and old Celtics basketball cards.  In addition to about a dozen old Celtics cards, this trip netted me an awesome topic for this week’s top ten list…

Top Ten Things “Great” Scott Would NEVER Purchase at a Flea Market

         Packaged food.  Okay, flea markets and farmers’ markets are famous for having pretty good fresh fruits and vegetables, but I don’t think Merita delivers to flea market booths…I’m thinking that these guys steal bread deliveries from the front of grocery stores and sell them.

         Tattoos.  Yeah, I’m thinking that pickle bucket filled with soapy water isn’t enough to sanitize a tattoo needle.

         Personal protection devices.  I’m certainly not trusting my personal safety to a gun or taser I purchased from a skinny redneck with six teeth…three of which are on a chain around his neck.

         Computers.  Yeah, Best Buy this ain’t.

         Art.  There’s no way I’m purchasing art at a flea market, unless you consider airbrushed license plates art.

         Autographed sports memorabilia.  While I do purchase basketball and baseball cards at a flea market, autographed items get a tad suspect…especially when I see something signed by “Larrie Byrd.”

         Snuggies.  Well, I wouldn’t purchase these anywhere…much less a flea market.

         “Water pipes.”  Come on, morons, we all know they’re bongs.  I feel like I’m going to get arrested even when I walk by these places.

         Swords.  Yeah, I’m thinking that blade isn’t an authentic samurai sword…especially when it says, “Made in Mexico.”

         Jewelry.  I don’t know why, but I always think they got the jewelry at the flea market off of dead people before they were buried…call me paranoid.

That was a mighty fine list, if I do say so myself.  Now let’s get on to the show…which will be the opposite of mighty fine.

JTG vs. Chavo Guerrero

Man, JTG can’t get the hell off of this show, can he?  It also seems like his character has regressed back to his Cryme Tyme persona…

Speaking of not getting off of this show…Chavo’s out next.  Before we start this match, we get to see Chavo lose on another show (SmackDown), as if we need to be reminded that this guy never wins. 

The two men start with some acceptable chain wrestling.  Chavo escapes a side headlock, but gets shoulderblocked by JTG.  JTG continues with a side headlock and the two men go back and forth from there.  Chavo eventually takes the upper hand by booting JTG on a corner charge, backing him into the opposite corner, and hitting a European uppercut.  Chavo stays on JTG with a chinlock, but JTG quickly escapes.  Chavo charges and goes over the top, but he skins the cat and stays on the apron.  Cool sequence on the apron sees JTG eventually trip Chavo and send him crashing to the barricade on the outside.  JTG tosses Chavo back in and shoulderblocks him in the cut, but Chavo comes back to dropkick JTG to the floor.  Chavo clubs JTG on the outside, tosses him back in, and hits a rolling senton from the apron.  Chavo follows up with a snapmare and his chinlock/half nelson combo.  JTG fights out with punches, a spinning elbow, a clothesline, a big back body drop, and a leaping flipping something or another.  JTG hits a nice backbreaker after a pin attempt, but Chavo fights back.  Unfortunately, he’s Chavo, so JTG comes back with a nice shortarm clothesline.  Wow, this match is actually GOOD.  JTG remembers he’s black and in the WWE, so he does a stereotypical “gangsta’” taunt and charges Chavo, who stuns him onto the top turnbuckle.  Chavo goes to the top rope, points to the skies (and Eddie), and ACTUALLY HITS THE FROG SPLASH!!  I do believe hell just froze over.

Winner: Chavo Guerrero

Rating:

That was a very good match…with an extra Frank Gorshin because Chavo actually won.  I don’t think the results bode well for JTG.  Chavo has an 0-10 record to a midget…and he beat you?  Not good.

Obviously, the WWE brass has gotten word that they’ve pissed me off over the last few weeks, because I get Yoshi Tatsu vs. Chris Jericho in the main event.  Putting that match on Superstars is like giving a group of blind kids a 52-inch LCD HD television…it’s nice, but no one’s going to see it.

I’m getting about sick of these damned Domino’s commercials.

Speaking of getting sick of commercials…the Rent-A-Center commercials aren’t getting better, either.

You know, there are better commercials on RAW and SmackDown, too…I really do get to review a third-string show.

Awwwww, Christ.  I guess they’re going to make me work for my main event.

Vance Archer and Curt Hawkins vs. Disorderly Cond…err, Matt Cross and Jamin Canceco

Dude, the one jobber has a rat tail.  There is no way I’m recapping this in detail.

Vance Archer doesn’t even hit a convincing looking kick.  The high point of this match was a bodyslam by Hawkins.  Seriously, this match consisted off about nine total moves.

Winners: Vance Archer and Curt Hawkins

Rating: 

These two guys are boring, have one tag team move (the trip-kick combo), and they have absolutely no reason to be tagging together.  Vance Archer should get a gimmick where he’s an evil Jesus…I just know Vince would cream himself over that angle.

After the match, we get a recap of NXT, which looks like a complete cluster fug…the gay Steve Urkel is doing a talk show and he decides to step up to MVP, who gets the “pros” to come to his aid, despite the fact that half of them are heels.  Matt Striker announces a battle royal, and Wade Barrett gets Nexus involved.  To make the season two rookies look credible, they’re all thrown out immediately.  Miz hauls ass, and Cody Rhodes cowers in fear, so Nexus beats the remaining WWE “pros.”  Finally, Nexus tosses Rhodes and beats the pulp out of him.  Then, Wade Barrett shows off his mad rapping skills by spewing the new Nexus catchphrase, “You’re either Nexus, or AGAINST us.”  That is soooo going to be the topic of my next top ten.

DAMN IT TO HELL!!  I’ve already had to sit through one shitty match, now I’m going to watch a Bellas’ match?  Crap.  It’s almost as the writing staff is trying to PROVE that these chicks aren’t worthless.  Guys?  You’re not succeeding! 

Maryse and Jillian vs. The Bellas

Maryse looks about as thrilled to be in this match as I am to be watching it.

Jillian sings and I die a bit inside.

Seriously, I would rather these two just stand still for five minutes so I can do what I need to do.

Again, I’m not recapping this…although it is funny when Jillian starts things off by mocking Maryse’s pose. Essentially, the heels are winning 95 percent of the match, the Bellas switch, and the Bellas win again.

Winners: The Bellas

Rating:

Where is this storyline going?  The Bellas are terrible in the ring and there’s really no payoff.  Even if Jillian wins once, what does it matter?  She’s lost 300 times (or at least it feels that way), so it’s really no payback.  This feud needs to stop before the entire federation gets swallowed in a giant black hole of suck.

After the commercial break, we’re taken back to RAW, where every single rule of logic is broken, as John Cena recovers in six seconds from three finishers and then the guy he’s fighting at the next PPV (who’s a HEEL, no less), comes out to save him from a potential beatdown.  Awesome.

Finally, after two of the worst matches I’ve seen in the history of this program…

Chris Jericho vs. Yoshi Tatsu

I’ve just noticed that a lot of middle-aged men in the crowd are wearing John Cena shirts…really, guys?  Do you ever wanna’ get laid?

Match starts with a Jericho eye poke, some forearms, and a stiff kick to Tatsu.  Jericho applies a side headlock, from which Tatsu escapes.  Jericho hits a shoulderblock and poses arrogantly, only to run into a series of chops from Tatsu.  Jericho escapes to the outside, but Tatsu hits a baseball slide kick and stays on top of Jericho…figuratively speaking.

Tatsu goes to the turnbuckle, but Jericho shoves him to the outside.  That was so brutal, we need a commercial break to recover!

Remember, Pizza Hut says you should reward failure!

I keep thinking that when Hulk Hogan says “cute little puppies,” on the RAC commercial, that his daughter’s boobs are going to be on the screen…

When we return, Jericho is slapping Tatsu, but Yoshi retaliates with some chops.  Jericho, however, continues to beat down Tatsu.  Jericho follows up a series of clubbing blows with a seated dropkick.  After that, Jericho tosses Tatsu outside the ring and does his “vintage” pose in the corner.  While the ref checks on Tatsu, who’s apparently bleeding, Jericho gets a folding chair and sits in the ring.  I guess while I was typing a few sentences back, Jericho hit a knee drop to Tatsu’s forehead, which caused the bleeding.

File:Wallsofjericho@Commons.jpgWhen Tatsu gets back in the ring, Jericho goes right back to work.  Jericho chokes Tatsu over the middle ropes, but misses a charge and eats a series of kicks and chops from Tatsu.  Tatsu goes for his double knees in the corner, but Jericho gets a boot up in time.  Jericho stays on the offensive by clamping on a chinlock, but Yoshi escapes.  The pace picks up from this point, as each man gets off a move and misses the follow up.  Tatsu hits a spinning wheel kick, but Jericho recovers with a double underhook backbreaker.  Jericho taunts Tatsu, but runs right into a double chop, which Tatsu follows up with a roll-through snapmare/kick and a shining wizard.  Jericho stops Tatsu with a rising clothesline and calls him a stupid idiot.  Jericho tosses Tatsu to the outside, but Yoshi rolls back in and hits four kicks, the fourth being to Jericho’s Canadian dome.  Tatsu, fueled by anger and hatred, throws logic out the window and goes to the top rope to whiff on another spinning wheel kick.  Jericho locks on the Walls of Jericho (which isn’t as cool as it used to look)…Tatsu tries to get to the ropes…but Jericho pulls him back to the center of the ring, and Tatsu taps out.  Man, that was almost worth watching the two previous shitty matches.

Winner: Chris Jericho

Rating: 

That was really good stuff.  Jericho got to do his shtick, and Tatsu still ended up looking credible.  Really, really good stuff.

Wow, tonight, giving award will be as easy as beating Stevie Wonder in a game of hide and seek.

The Golden Batarang Award:  The first and last matches.

The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:  The second and third matches.

You folks have a wonderful weekend, and I’ll do my best to do the same.  I’ll be back next week because that’s how much I care about my fans…all six of you.

 

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).