Superstars Recap for July
9, 2009
Hello, folks! "Great" Scott here with your WWE
Superstars recap.
I'm not going to spend a long time introducing myself.
Let's just say I'm a wrestling fan…I wouldn't consider
myself to be "in the know," but I won't quite say that
I'm this guy. That's enough
about me, let's get to the show!
My Rating System
Actually, before we get to the show, I want to give you
a quick rundown of how I'll be rating the matches. Since I'm
"Great" Scott, I rate matches using Doc Browns. I'll also be
rating these matches in context. In other words, I
realize that this is Superstars and not Wrestlemania
(although this year's WM was a steaming pile of crap),
so I'll probably be a little lenient.
This rating is reserved for the worst of the worst, and
is reserved for matches that have no redeeming features
whatsoever…the Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez springs to
mind.
This means the match is pretty bad, but there's
something in it (such as a spot or sequence) that at
least makes it decent…the recent string of Evan Bourne
and Mark Henry matches fit here.
This means the match was perfectly acceptable, even
good. Most matches will be right about here.
This means the match was really good. You're not going
to see many of these on Superstars (even with my
leniency policy).
This rating is saved for wrestling classics. Again, you
probably won't see many of these on Superstars, but you
never know.
Now…on to the show!!
(Really this time!)
Hey, people!
We’re coming to you live from….um, nowhere
important enough to mention! Enough of the
chit-chat, let’s head right to an Eminem-quality rap,
which tells me it’s…
R-Truth (with mad rhyming
skillz, yo) vs. Ricky Ortiz (with snot rag…err, “Rally
Towel”)
Ricky Ortiz looks like the love child of The Hurricane
and Carlito.
He’s also sporting some new yellow tights…I think
I heard that he and Kofi Kingston are sharing a locker
now. After
a quick bit of mic work by Ortiz, we get to the action.
Side head lock to start by Ortiz, followed by
some punches to the head. The announcers
break into an impromptu discussion of white and dark
meat (The hell?).
Kicks, headlocks, and punches from Ortiz before
R-Truth reverses a hip toss into a flippy-pin. Truth hits a
drop kick, but doesn’t stay on the offensive long. Truth to the
corner and smacked by Ortiz. Truth reverses a
whip by Ortiz, does a nifty split, and then hits a kick
to Ortiz’s afro’d dome. Ortiz mounts the
turnbuckle to hit some punches, but Ortiz slams Truth
with a powerbomb-esque move and tosses him outside so we
can fit in some commercials.
We’re back. Ortiz with a knee and elbow to Truth’s
back…then busts out a half crab. Truth reaches
the rope. Ortiz continues to kick away and follows up
with a side suplex-to-back breaker combo to get a two
count.
Then, just to switch it up, Ortiz locks in a half
crab. Truth
reaches the ropes again. Ortiz with a
stomp and running forarm to a seated Truth. Another knee
from Ortiz.
Cover for a 1.3 count. Modified camel
clutch and punch to the side of the head…man, this guy
is a smorgasbord of rest holds. Ortiz with a
chin lock and a head slam to the mat. He whips Truth to
the corner. Ortiz goes to the second rope with a double
ax handle to Truth’s back…wow, I didn’t think that move
was allowed to work! Didn’t R-Truth get the memo? Boot to the face
of Truth.
Man, this match is moving at the speed of
erosion.
Punches by Truth to get out of the 400th rest
hold of the match, but he whiffs on a drop kick, so
Ortiz hits a seated dropkick. Ortiz clubs
Truth in the back, and then applies ANOTHER modified
camel clutch…sweet Jesus, this is getting a DECADE of
time. Ortiz
changes the move to a chin lock, from which R-Truth
escapes by hitting a flurry of punches. Ortiz stops that
shiznit cold by busting out the Dino Bravo backbreaker.
However, the big ORGASM splash hits nothing by canvas.
Ortiz charges and misses, but RT can’t
capitalize…yet.
Truth back with some clotheslines and a
suplex….that Ortiz reverses into a cross-body pin. Ortiz off the
ropes, into the arms of an R-Truth powerslam. Truth tries to
follow up with an axe kick, but whiffs. Ortiz tries to
hit catch Truth in a British Bulldog powerslam, but
Truth escapes…then hits the
way-too-much-effort-for-a-stupid-flying-elbow for the
three-count.
Winner: R-Truth is the
winner, so let’s get some dinner…word up! (Yes, I’m very
white.)
Rating:
I’ve seen trolleys move faster…I would have given this
another star if it was about two or three minutes
shorter. I
know there needs to be a little psychology…by from these
two?
Ugh….Vince McMahon, Hornswoggle, and Chavo in one
room….I’m expecting a black hole of SUCK to engulf my
TV. If that isn’t
bad enough, these two knuckleheads are going to fight
each other…and Chavo has to fight him on his knees…dear
God, my head is spinning with the jokes I could make…but
I will refrain…it would be like beating Stevie Wonder in
a game of hide and seek. Sorry, let me
get back to this HYSTERICAL skit. Chavo offers a
handshake, but crushes Horny’s hand. However,
Hornswoggle bites the former Kerwin White…oh, the
hilarity. I
can hear the Benny Hill music playing in my
head.
Did you know that WWE.com has 100 million weekly page
views? I wonder how many of those are Joey Styles…or The
King enjoying pictures of the divas….hmmmm?
Zach Ryder (with “Woo woo
woo!”) vs. Tyler Reks (with
This match would make Bruno uncomfortable…”Woo woo woo,”
chant starts, most likely by Zach Ryder’s “life
partner.”
Tie up and lots of grappling. Scuffle in the
corner doesn’t look homoerotic at all. Tie up again.
Reks, who is wearing tights that look EXACTLY
like the WWE divas’ belt, with some arm wrenching. Reks takes Ryder
to mat. Reks continues to work the arm until Ryder gets
to the ropes.
More arm bar-age by Reks, which is escaped by a
Ryder arm dra…but NO! Man, another set
of arm stuff. A pin gets a 1.9
count.
Shoulders to the arm by Reks. Heel trip and
pin attempt.
A knee by Rider, followed by a punch and side
headlock.
Reks escapes and changes it up by wrenching the
arm…damn, there have been a total of four moves used
tonight.
Ryder with a flip, but Reks clotheslines him to
the outside.
The president of the Rainbow Coalition continues
the “woo woo woo,” chant, but this time, no one bites.
Ryder to the apron, but he’s forarmed and
hiptossed into a pin. ANOTHER F’N
ARMBAR!!
Forearms by Zach Ryder. Reks tries a
leap over Rider, but is kicked in the back. Baseball slide
dropkick sends Reks to the outside. Ryder jams Reks
into the ring stomach first, and then rolls back in so
we can go to commercial.
We’re back.
I’ll give you three guesses as to what’s happening. If you guessed a
rest hold, go get yourself a cookie! We have a dragon
sleeper by Ryder. Reks tries to escape, but Ryder takes
him to the corner…and hits some vicious-sounding kicks
to the midsection.
Ryder follows up with knees to the back, a face
slam to the mat, and a kinda’ sorta’ dragon sleeper.
He continues the attack by ramming Rek’s head to the
buckle and hitting some shoulders to the gut. A charge by
Ryder meets Reks’ knee, which is followed by a schoolboy
by Reks.
Ryder chokes Reks on the ropes, and then hits
another wicked kick to the chest. Ryder channels
Deuce and Domino by yelling some NY-style insults, and
then hits some knees in the corner. Ryder with a
modified abdominal stretch (at least it’s a UNIQUE rest
hold). A
charge to the corner misses, as does a flying dropkick
by Ryder…both men are down. Reks hits a flapjack on
Ryder, but only gets a two count. A series of
reversals leads to a punch in midsection and head slam
to the mat by Reks. However, a head
butt to the midsection leads to a finisher attempt by
Ryder, but it’s blocked into pin by Rex…Ryder up. Ryder stun guns
Reks over the top rope into the “Zack Attack” (I don’t
think Kelly Kapowski would approve)…for
three.
Winner: Zach Ryder
Rating:
About as average as you’re gonna’ get. Again, lots of
rest holds, which makes me angry because I really hope
they leave enough time to give the Chavo/Hornswoggle
match the time it so sincerely deserves.
Speaking of that match, we’re reminded of it as we go to
commercial.
Funny sound effect and graphic or Chavo shrinking
really make me want to watch.
Oooh….an ad for 12 Rounds…which will hopefully help it
sell another dozen copies. In the immortal
words…of Wallace Shawn in Vegas
Vacation…”Here's an idea: Why don't you give me half the
money you were gonna’ bet [or in this case, spend on the
DVD version of 12 Rounds], then we'll go out back, I'll
kick you in the nuts, and we'll call it a day!”
Alfonso Soriano is a John Cena fan…which means he’s
actually a 14-year-old girl.
Now we’re going to go back to RAW to see more of the
wrestlers I hate the most….except for THE MAN Ted
DiBiase. I
like how they show famous people as if ANY OF THEM will
run RAW.
Because Vince likes to shake things up and give
the new guys a shot, it’s HHH vs. Cena to face Orton at
Night of Champions. Slow mo montage
makes it seem like we’re watching a Discovery Channel
special.
Legacy comes in to mess things up…and a double DQ
means no one will fight Mr. Monotone. Ted DiBiase
(Sr.) comes out to be a complete BADASS and lay the
smack down on Orton…who reacts by starring a lot and
sort of looking angry, but mostly looking confused like
someone is trying to explain astrophysics to a retard.
Sweet Jesus, is this going to be the main event?!?! Come on!! Really? Ugh!
Chavo’s out first…but we need some commercials before
the legendary clash between these two titans of the
industry. I
guess they’re putting the commercials here because 90%
of the audience is hauling ass before this
fertilizer-fest starts.
Ooooooooh Chavo (with fake
hair implanted on his head) vs. Hornswoggle (with what
looks like public hair glued to his face)
Great to see the Guerrero legacy upheld with the passing
of Eddie.
Dude, is the crowd seriously cheering for the
Wizard of Oz reject? Funny moment
sees Hornswoggle mock Eddie’s swagger walk. Chavo laughs at
Hornswoggle, even though Horny’s record is better than
his. Chavo
pushes Hornswoggle, who fights back with a flying kick.
Funny King joke about Hornswoggle’s hair smelling like
feet. Side
headlock by the midget, followed by a shoulder block and
a spin kick!!
It’s pretty pathetic when a dwarf has performed
more moves than were performed in the previous two
matches.
Ref quotes JBL by yelling “GET ON YOUR KNEES!” to
Chavo, who’s trying to re-enter the ring on his feet.
Chavo back in to a Hornswoggle pin. The little
person goes to town with punches, but Chavo counters
with a “short arm” clothesline (Get it?!?) and punches
to the back. Chavo with a body
slam. He then goes to the turnbuckle to remove the
padding, but uses it as a distraction to stand up and
stomp HS…because he has to CHEAT TO BEAT AN F’ING
MIDGET!!
Chavo with a pint-sized Texas Cloverleaf. Chavo with a
slam, but Hornswoggle defies every single law of physics
and falls on Chavo to get a two count. More mockery by
Chavo, who humorously runs on knees off ropes into a
pair of size two feet Hornswoggle
mocks the Eddie swagger again, but Chavo takes offense
and tries the Three Amigos. (1.5 amigos in this case?)
Hornswoggle blocks the third suplex and suplexes
Chavo in what could actually be the most amazing move
I’ve ever seen.
Uh oh…Hornswoggle up to the top for the tadpole
splash…but Chavo stands up to hit him. Hornswoggle
bites Chavo as he tries for a superplex and then hits a
head butt, and hits the splash off the top. Hornswoggle then
defies the laws of physics AGAIN by pinning Chavo for
the three…There’s actually blood on Hornswoggle’s
shirt…wow, someone in this match bled…which makes them
better workers than half the roster. King with one
more short joke as we’re out.
Winner:
Hornswoggle
Rating:
The rating is for a couple funny bits and a couple of
semi-funny short jokes by The King.
That’s it from me, children…until next time, I’m “Great” Scott…and you’re not.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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