Superstars Recap for July 9, 2009
Hello, folks! "Great" Scott here with your WWE Superstars recap. I'm not going to spend a long time introducing myself. Let's just say I'm a wrestling fan…I wouldn't consider myself to be "in the know," but I won't quite say that I'm this guy. That's enough about me, let's get to the show!
My Rating System
Actually, before we get to the show, I want to give you a quick rundown of how I'll be rating the matches. Since I'm "Great" Scott, I rate matches using Doc Browns. I'll also be rating these matches in context. In other words, I realize that this is Superstars and not Wrestlemania (although this year's WM was a steaming pile of crap), so I'll probably be a little lenient.
This rating is reserved for the worst of the worst, and is reserved for matches that have no redeeming features whatsoever…the Undertaker vs. Giant Gonzalez springs to mind.
This means the match is pretty bad, but there's something in it (such as a spot or sequence) that at least makes it decent…the recent string of Evan Bourne and Mark Henry matches fit here.
This means the match was perfectly acceptable, even good. Most matches will be right about here.
This means the match was really good. You're not going to see many of these on Superstars (even with my leniency policy).
This rating is saved for wrestling classics. Again, you probably won't see many of these on Superstars, but you never know.
Now…on to the show!! (Really this time!)
Hey, people! We’re coming to you live from….um, nowhere important enough to mention! Enough of the chit-chat, let’s head right to an Eminem-quality rap, which tells me it’s…
R-Truth (with mad rhyming skillz, yo) vs. Ricky Ortiz (with snot rag…err, “Rally Towel”)
Ricky Ortiz looks like the love child of The Hurricane and Carlito. He’s also sporting some new yellow tights…I think I heard that he and Kofi Kingston are sharing a locker now. After a quick bit of mic work by Ortiz, we get to the action. Side head lock to start by Ortiz, followed by some punches to the head. The announcers break into an impromptu discussion of white and dark meat (The hell?). Kicks, headlocks, and punches from Ortiz before R-Truth reverses a hip toss into a flippy-pin. Truth hits a drop kick, but doesn’t stay on the offensive long. Truth to the corner and smacked by Ortiz. Truth reverses a whip by Ortiz, does a nifty split, and then hits a kick to Ortiz’s afro’d dome. Ortiz mounts the turnbuckle to hit some punches, but Ortiz slams Truth with a powerbomb-esque move and tosses him outside so we can fit in some commercials.
We’re back. Ortiz with a knee and elbow to Truth’s back…then busts out a half crab. Truth reaches the rope. Ortiz continues to kick away and follows up with a side suplex-to-back breaker combo to get a two count. Then, just to switch it up, Ortiz locks in a half crab. Truth reaches the ropes again. Ortiz with a stomp and running forarm to a seated Truth. Another knee from Ortiz. Cover for a 1.3 count. Modified camel clutch and punch to the side of the head…man, this guy is a smorgasbord of rest holds. Ortiz with a chin lock and a head slam to the mat. He whips Truth to the corner. Ortiz goes to the second rope with a double ax handle to Truth’s back…wow, I didn’t think that move was allowed to work! Didn’t R-Truth get the memo? Boot to the face of Truth. Man, this match is moving at the speed of erosion. Punches by Truth to get out of the 400th rest hold of the match, but he whiffs on a drop kick, so Ortiz hits a seated dropkick. Ortiz clubs Truth in the back, and then applies ANOTHER modified camel clutch…sweet Jesus, this is getting a DECADE of time. Ortiz changes the move to a chin lock, from which R-Truth escapes by hitting a flurry of punches. Ortiz stops that shiznit cold by busting out the Dino Bravo backbreaker. However, the big ORGASM splash hits nothing by canvas. Ortiz charges and misses, but RT can’t capitalize…yet. Truth back with some clotheslines and a suplex….that Ortiz reverses into a cross-body pin. Ortiz off the ropes, into the arms of an R-Truth powerslam. Truth tries to follow up with an axe kick, but whiffs. Ortiz tries to hit catch Truth in a British Bulldog powerslam, but Truth escapes…then hits the way-too-much-effort-for-a-stupid-flying-elbow for the three-count.
Winner: R-Truth is the winner, so let’s get some dinner…word up! (Yes, I’m very white.)
I’ve seen trolleys move faster…I would have given this another star if it was about two or three minutes shorter. I know there needs to be a little psychology…by from these two?
Ugh….Vince McMahon, Hornswoggle, and Chavo in one room….I’m expecting a black hole of SUCK to engulf my TV. If that isn’t bad enough, these two knuckleheads are going to fight each other…and Chavo has to fight him on his knees…dear God, my head is spinning with the jokes I could make…but I will refrain…it would be like beating Stevie Wonder in a game of hide and seek. Sorry, let me get back to this HYSTERICAL skit. Chavo offers a handshake, but crushes Horny’s hand. However, Hornswoggle bites the former Kerwin White…oh, the hilarity. I can hear the Benny Hill music playing in my head.
Did you know that WWE.com has 100 million weekly page views? I wonder how many of those are Joey Styles…or The King enjoying pictures of the divas….hmmmm?
Zach Ryder (with “Woo woo
woo!”) vs. Tyler Reks (with
This match would make Bruno uncomfortable…”Woo woo woo,” chant starts, most likely by Zach Ryder’s “life partner.” Tie up and lots of grappling. Scuffle in the corner doesn’t look homoerotic at all. Tie up again. Reks, who is wearing tights that look EXACTLY like the WWE divas’ belt, with some arm wrenching. Reks takes Ryder to mat. Reks continues to work the arm until Ryder gets to the ropes. More arm bar-age by Reks, which is escaped by a Ryder arm dra…but NO! Man, another set of arm stuff. A pin gets a 1.9 count. Shoulders to the arm by Reks. Heel trip and pin attempt. A knee by Rider, followed by a punch and side headlock. Reks escapes and changes it up by wrenching the arm…damn, there have been a total of four moves used tonight. Ryder with a flip, but Reks clotheslines him to the outside. The president of the Rainbow Coalition continues the “woo woo woo,” chant, but this time, no one bites. Ryder to the apron, but he’s forarmed and hiptossed into a pin. ANOTHER F’N ARMBAR!! Forearms by Zach Ryder. Reks tries a leap over Rider, but is kicked in the back. Baseball slide dropkick sends Reks to the outside. Ryder jams Reks into the ring stomach first, and then rolls back in so we can go to commercial.
We’re back. I’ll give you three guesses as to what’s happening. If you guessed a rest hold, go get yourself a cookie! We have a dragon sleeper by Ryder. Reks tries to escape, but Ryder takes him to the corner…and hits some vicious-sounding kicks to the midsection. Ryder follows up with knees to the back, a face slam to the mat, and a kinda’ sorta’ dragon sleeper. He continues the attack by ramming Rek’s head to the buckle and hitting some shoulders to the gut. A charge by Ryder meets Reks’ knee, which is followed by a schoolboy by Reks. Ryder chokes Reks on the ropes, and then hits another wicked kick to the chest. Ryder channels Deuce and Domino by yelling some NY-style insults, and then hits some knees in the corner. Ryder with a modified abdominal stretch (at least it’s a UNIQUE rest hold). A charge to the corner misses, as does a flying dropkick by Ryder…both men are down. Reks hits a flapjack on Ryder, but only gets a two count. A series of reversals leads to a punch in midsection and head slam to the mat by Reks. However, a head butt to the midsection leads to a finisher attempt by Ryder, but it’s blocked into pin by Rex…Ryder up. Ryder stun guns Reks over the top rope into the “Zack Attack” (I don’t think Kelly Kapowski would approve)…for three.
Winner: Zach Ryder
About as average as you’re gonna’ get. Again, lots of rest holds, which makes me angry because I really hope they leave enough time to give the Chavo/Hornswoggle match the time it so sincerely deserves.
Speaking of that match, we’re reminded of it as we go to commercial. Funny sound effect and graphic or Chavo shrinking really make me want to watch.
Oooh….an ad for 12 Rounds…which will hopefully help it sell another dozen copies. In the immortal words…of Wallace Shawn in Vegas Vacation…”Here's an idea: Why don't you give me half the money you were gonna’ bet [or in this case, spend on the DVD version of 12 Rounds], then we'll go out back, I'll kick you in the nuts, and we'll call it a day!”
Alfonso Soriano is a John Cena fan…which means he’s actually a 14-year-old girl.
Now we’re going to go back to RAW to see more of the wrestlers I hate the most….except for THE MAN Ted DiBiase. I like how they show famous people as if ANY OF THEM will run RAW. Because Vince likes to shake things up and give the new guys a shot, it’s HHH vs. Cena to face Orton at Night of Champions. Slow mo montage makes it seem like we’re watching a Discovery Channel special. Legacy comes in to mess things up…and a double DQ means no one will fight Mr. Monotone. Ted DiBiase (Sr.) comes out to be a complete BADASS and lay the smack down on Orton…who reacts by starring a lot and sort of looking angry, but mostly looking confused like someone is trying to explain astrophysics to a retard.
Sweet Jesus, is this going to be the main event?!?! Come on!! Really? Ugh! Chavo’s out first…but we need some commercials before the legendary clash between these two titans of the industry. I guess they’re putting the commercials here because 90% of the audience is hauling ass before this fertilizer-fest starts.
Ooooooooh Chavo (with fake hair implanted on his head) vs. Hornswoggle (with what looks like public hair glued to his face)
Great to see the Guerrero legacy upheld with the passing of Eddie. Dude, is the crowd seriously cheering for the Wizard of Oz reject? Funny moment sees Hornswoggle mock Eddie’s swagger walk. Chavo laughs at Hornswoggle, even though Horny’s record is better than his. Chavo pushes Hornswoggle, who fights back with a flying kick. Funny King joke about Hornswoggle’s hair smelling like feet. Side headlock by the midget, followed by a shoulder block and a spin kick!! It’s pretty pathetic when a dwarf has performed more moves than were performed in the previous two matches. Ref quotes JBL by yelling “GET ON YOUR KNEES!” to Chavo, who’s trying to re-enter the ring on his feet. Chavo back in to a Hornswoggle pin. The little person goes to town with punches, but Chavo counters with a “short arm” clothesline (Get it?!?) and punches to the back. Chavo with a body slam. He then goes to the turnbuckle to remove the padding, but uses it as a distraction to stand up and stomp HS…because he has to CHEAT TO BEAT AN F’ING MIDGET!! Chavo with a pint-sized Texas Cloverleaf. Chavo with a slam, but Hornswoggle defies every single law of physics and falls on Chavo to get a two count. More mockery by Chavo, who humorously runs on knees off ropes into a pair of size two feet Hornswoggle mocks the Eddie swagger again, but Chavo takes offense and tries the Three Amigos. (1.5 amigos in this case?) Hornswoggle blocks the third suplex and suplexes Chavo in what could actually be the most amazing move I’ve ever seen. Uh oh…Hornswoggle up to the top for the tadpole splash…but Chavo stands up to hit him. Hornswoggle bites Chavo as he tries for a superplex and then hits a head butt, and hits the splash off the top. Hornswoggle then defies the laws of physics AGAIN by pinning Chavo for the three…There’s actually blood on Hornswoggle’s shirt…wow, someone in this match bled…which makes them better workers than half the roster. King with one more short joke as we’re out.
The rating is for a couple funny bits and a couple of semi-funny short jokes by The King.
That’s it from me, children…until next time, I’m “Great” Scott…and you’re not.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).