Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

 

 

“Great” Scott’s WWE Superstars Recap for July 8, 2010

Hello again, readers, and welcome to Sunday Night HEAT….wait, this isn’t HEAT?  After looking at this week’s matches on WWE.com, it’s hard to believe that this isn’t the WWE’s former third-string show.  This week's show is going to be a lot like the last three weeks (and a lot like the show that used to prominently feature Stevie Richards), with pretty much all the same folks doing all the same things…but that’s me being pessimistic.  I’ll put on my positive face and try to recap this show to the best of my abilities.

Before I continue, I just have to comment on the LeBron James debacle.  I’m doing this recap from DVR because I wanted to watch “King James” make his announcement.  I wanted to do this because I think that LeBron is stealing this storyline from the old WWF.  Back in the 80s, this is the same storyline as the WWF did with Bam Bam Bigelow.  All the heel managers thought they were going to land Bam Bam, and it looked like Slick was going to win. Unfortunately for The Slickster, Bam Bam turned face (before actually being a heel) and ended up with Sir Oliver Humperdink.  I wish LeBron turned on Miami and went with the Toronto Raptors…that would’ve been classic…that, and LeBron getting a flame tattoo on his head.

Well, before I flip on the DVR, let me come up with a quick top ten.  Okay, I’ve got it.  Since I just spent the last paragraph talking about managers, I’ll go with…

“Great” Scott’s Top Ten Favorite Wrestling Managers/Valets

   Harvey Wippleman

   Miss Elizabeth

   Mr. Fuji

   Slick

   Jimmy Hart

   Sunny

   Jim Cornette

   “The Genius” Lanny Poffo

   Ralphus

   Bobby “The Brain” Heenan

Well, I’ve delayed for as long as I could…let me turn on the DVR and waste the next hour of my life…

I’ve just noticed that half the people in the intro haven’t wrestled in months (Undertaker, HHH, Beth Phoenix, Melina...)

The WWE starts with the obnoxiousness by having the Bellas be the special guest referees…seriously, unless these two are going to be in Playboy, this gimmick has played itself out three times over…seriously.  With these two idiots AS THE REFS, how are they going to pull their stupid switcheroo crap?  I sense a black hole of “un-logic” coming up.

Primo and Jillian vs. Yoshi Tatsu and Gail Kim

Hmmmm…I wonder who’s going to win this match.  Michael Cole starts of awesomely as he says that Gail Kim is Canadian…and while I realize she lives there…come on.

The women start, and Jillian nails a quick clothesline and hair pull head slam.  Jillian continues to be angry until Gail Kim hits a kick and a clothesline.  Jillian tags in Primo, who is quickly thrashed by Tatsu until Jillian grabs Tatsu’s leg.  Unfortunately, since it’s Primo we’re talking about, this doesn’t help, as Gail Kim leaps off the top turnbuckle and pulls off a flying head scissors.  Primo stumbles into a series of kicks from Tatsu, that Yoshi follows up with about a half dozen chops.  Primo finally takes control with a dropkick and mounted punches.  He follows with a kick, a stomp on the face, and a rest hold.  Tatsu tries to escape, but fails, as Primo continues to pound him.  The Bellas are ridiculously useless out here.  Primo continues to maintain control, until he tries to hit a punch off the second rope and eats two boots from Tatsu.  Primo tags out, so the women come in.  Gail Kim dominates and hits the corner spear, and the two women fight in the corner for a minute until they pull the double clothesline.  All breaks loose until Jillian decides she’s had enough and decks both Bellas.  Gail rolls up Jillian and one of the Bellas makes a super-quick three count.

Winners:  Yoshi Tatsu and Gail Kim

Rating:  

I’ll give the match two stars for the wrestling and minus one star for the Bellas…

Sweet baby Jesus, the “main event” (in the LOOSEST sense of the word) is a Divas tag match with Kelly Kelly, Tiffany, and Tiffany’s teeth against Michelle McCool, bulimia, and Layla…shoot me now.

I want to comment on the commercials, but the image of Michelle McCool in a MAIN EVENT is making me slightly ill.

The two kids in the Above The Influence have such a boring day, I want to do drugs…I guess that commercial didn’t work the way you expected, huh?

Well, the show can only get better from here…I hope.

Zack Ryder vs. Goldust

I guess the one-legged tights are a thing of the past…apparently the economy is even hurting the gay ring attire makers, too.

Goldust needs to not put black makeup on his nose…he looks like a skeleton.

Goldust starts quick with an armdrag and a fruity taunt (VINTAGE GOLDUST!).  He follows with a shoulderblock and another armdrag.  Ryder fights out with a pair of forearms, but is quickly clotheslined and butt-bumped by Goldust.  This, of course, causes us to go to commercials…

Tom Petty is the pulse of America?  At his age, does that mean America is flatlining?

1,001 burning questions in the Best of WWE magazine?  That sounds like next week’s top ten list!

When we get back, Goldust hits a cool slingshot/back breaker move, but Ryder quickly regains control by stunning Goldust over the top rope.  Ryder follows with a trio of punches and a paintbrush kick in the corner.  He bellows a hearty, “Woo woo woo,” but he can’t get the pin.  The two guys exchange punches, but Goldust takes control with a pair of clotheslines, an uppercut, and an inverted atomic drop.  Goldust gets Ryder in the corner and hits a few punches before Ryder shoves him off, only to run into a Goldust powerslam. Godlust trues to follow up with a DDT, but Ryder slips out, trips Goldust into the corner and hits the Rough Ryder for the win.

Winner: Zack Ryder

Rating: 

This match was probably average, but it’s all a matter of perspective…I'm thinking this is probably going to be the apex of the show.

After the match, we get to see the NXT rookies talk…yeah, umm…pardon the pun, but I’m speechless. And, before I move on…Yes, Eli Cottonwood, you DO have a mustache.

Because I have obviously sinned in a previous life, the WWE is bringing back the Masterlock Challenge.  Gee, I only hope The Great Khali comes out to accept!!  Be still, my beating heart!

Come on, the frickin’ Dudebusters?!?  I’m not even going to call this a match.  Are they seriously going to job them out to one guy?  Ugh.

Caylen Croft is the guy that’s going to be made to look foolish first.  After acting like a tool for a few minutes, Masters locks on the full nelson and flings Croft around like a rag doll.  Santino did a better job.  Baretta takes umbrage with Masters’ treatment of his partner and gets in the chair.  Croft, however, jumps Masters and the Dudebusters actually get a moment of glory…savor it, fellas’ because you’ll lose to Chris Masters and whoever they decide to team with him.

Before we get to our fantastic main event, we’re treated to a Jack Swagger video package.  My buddies hate on this guy, but with a little more polish (and some strong braces), he could really be a good performer.

We further delay my misery by watching the RAW Rebound.  I have to say, Wade Barrett is better on the microphone than 95 percent of the WWE roster.  Also, was I the only won that thought that John Cena beating up Darren Young was like Link fighting Dark Link from The Legend of Zelda II: Adventure of Link?

LayCool vs. Tiffany and Kelly Kelly

Tiffany and Michelle McCool start, with crappy wrestling and taunting aplenty.  Lots of arm twisting and crappy moves follow, but Tiffany takes advantages with some less crappier moves, including a passable monkey flip out of the corner.  Kelly Kelly tags in and does a sunset flip over Tiffany.  Michelle however, regains control and tags to Layla, who mocks Kelly by calling her…smelly…awesome. Kelly tags in to Tiffany, who hits the worst dropkick this side of Erik Watts.  Layla, however, takes control by tripping Tiffany and doing lots of heel-type stuff.  Michelle tags back in and hits some bony knee strikes…I’m surprised she didn’t draw blood with those things.  More taunting and a punch to Kelly in the corner.  The heels continue to beat Tiffany down in the corner.  Michelle tags Layla and Tiffany tries to make a tag, but the heels prevent it and continue to “dominate.”  Michelle comes back in and does something that I can’t identify.  Layla’s back in and she actually hits a nice dropkick to a laid-out Tiffany.  Layla tries to follow up, but misses.  Tiffany tags and Kelly Kelly is a BIMBO ON FIRE!!  Kelly doles out clothesline for everyone, but Layla fights back, only to run into a boot and clothesline.  Michelle tries to interject herself, but fails.  Layla attempts to take advantage of a distracted Kelly, but fails.  Kelly rolls up Layla, but Tiffany distracts the ref, which allows Michelle to boot Kelly Kelly in the face (I’m going to call that move the Anorex-kick) to get the win for team LayCool.

Winner: LayCool

Rating: 

Okay, that didn’t suck as much as I thought it was going to.  It wasn’t Flair/Steamboat, but I’ve seen worse.

Well, at least the show wasn’t a total loss.  Before I go to bed, let me hand out some awards.

The Golden Batarang Award:  The Ryder/Goldust match was as least passable.

The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:  Man, the Bellas are wearing thin on me.

That’s all for this week…have a “great” weekend folks, and I’ll do the same.

 

 

WWE Superstars Recap for July 1, 2010

Hello, everyone.  This recap is a little late because I wanted to finish Red Dead Redemption so I could make my final comments and be done with the stupid game once and for all.  Malcolm (who does our fantastic NXT recaps here on TWF) has his opinion and I have mine…and I learned long ago that opinions can never be wrong; facts can be wrong, but opinions cannot.

Before I continue, let me put this in bold text to signify its importance…

**THERE ARE SPOILERS ABOUT RDR AHEAD**

Even having beaten the game, I’m not a fan.  I’m not saying that the game is horrible, just that it’s insanely overrated.  The story is ridiculously predictable and the plot points repetitive (Get this for me.  Okay.  Now, get this for me.  Okay.  Now get this last thing for me.  No.  I’m not going to help you then.  Okay.)  People who say this story is good need only look at how many westerns have come out in the theatres in the past 20 years…the genre is dead.

The idea that this game changes the video game world is also absurd.  There are about 100 ideas that just don’t pan out.  I’m famous (a LEGEND as the game says), but I can’t put together a posse to help me?  I’m a hero of the old west, yet people still try to steal my horse?  I mean, come on!!  I can kill fifty men in a raid on a fort, but I still have to help deliver corn and collect pelts?  Really?  This game got dull about halfway in, but I paid $60 for it, so I was going to get my money’s worth…even if that meant taking part in “genre-defining” activities like shooting animals (instead of the 5,000 people I had to shoot), picking flowers, and balancing on a horse (by pushing the stick back and forth).  Wheeee!

Finally, the main character is just a TOOL.  He’s a tool right up until the end…and he’s treated like a tool that’s outlived his usefulness.  Way to instill a feeling of choice!!  There were about fifty parts of the story where John (or the player controlling John) could’ve taken things into his own hands, but the writers found it easier to just let him be a one-dimensional tool.  They tried to throw in a little touchy-feely stuff at the end, but it just made me think that John Marston was a DOMESTICATED tool instead of a WILD WEST tool.  Honey, shoot those crows…Honey, deliver that corn…Honey, go help your drunken uncle/non-uncle get some horses…sigh…

So, that’s it…I traded the game in and will probably never give it a second thought after this.  If you enjoyed it, folks, fantastic, you’re most certainly entitled to your opinion.

 

Now that you’ve read my opinions on a non-wrestling subject, I thought I would do a wrestling-related top ten list.  My buddy, Feesh, helped me come up with the idea for this, so he gets credit for helping me come up with…

“Great” Scott’s Ten Favorite Wrestling-Related Videos on YouTube

The Crying Wrestling Guy.  Come on, I’ve only referenced this guy 50 times!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNJdJOEtlyY

Brock Lesnar’s SSP Botch.  Man, this was crazy painful to watch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZocE16RYns

Sid Vicious Breaks His Leg.  Speaking of crazy painful…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQ_RR9WjUlI

Kurt Angle Mocking Shawn Michaels.  This sketch RULED THE PLANET!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GIXF-CGftc&feature=related

Kurt Angle Attacks the Alliance with Milk.  Seriously, Kurt Angle was AWESOME!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwzjPb36p6M

DX Mocks The Nation of Domination.  The guy who did Owen Hart was CLASSIC.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tq6HkY5JnBc

Owen Hart Kicks Bret’s Leg Outta’ His Leg.  My buddies and I still make fun of this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_gvPXeIV1c&feature=related

Top Ten Moves of Bastion Booger.  Someone set this to Miley Cyrus.  Awesome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPQk27df7WU

Jake Robert’s Heroes of Wrestling Interview.  You got 21?  I got 22!  YES!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9clRpVbYZw8&feature=related

The Iron Sheik Shoot Video Clips.  If anyone disagrees, I say FAAACKIN’ BOOLSHIT!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRRHvw0s1Yc

Well, now that you’ve watched ten FUNNY videos…it’s time to watch….uh oh…might’ve set myself up to fail this week.

Yoshi Tatsu and Goldust vs. Zack Ryder and Primo

Uh oh, call the police!  Someone stole Zack Ryder’s other pant leg!  Call the fuzz, bro!

This is one of those, “at least one team has to win,” matches between guys that never get to win. 

Ryder starts things with a taunt, but Tatsu gains the upper hands with chops aplenty followed by a nice armdrag.  Tatsu tags Goldust in, and he continues to work on Ryder’s arm.  Goldust actually wrestles like he cares for a few seconds, even gaining the upper hand on Primo after a heel team tag.  Goldust tags back out to Tatsu, who keeps the pressure on Primo’s arm.  Primo finally escapes, but he can’t keep control long, as Tatsu hits a cross body and continues to work the arm.  Primo misses a springboard cross body, but redeems himself by stunning Tatsu over the top rope.  Primo tags to Ryder, who immediately hits a knee drop on Tatsu.  Yoshi tries to fight back, but Ryder stays on the offensive and tags to Primo.  Primo enters and clamps on a chinlock.  After the chinlock, Primo pounds Tatsu in the corner, but misses a charge in the opposite corner.  This gives Tatsu a chance to tag to Goldust, who goes all “vintage” on Primo.  Goldust gets Primo in the corner and starts hitting punches, but Ryder comes over to…get punched in the face by Goldust.  This gives Primo a chance to clobber Goldust from behind and knock him to the outside.  COMMERCIALS!

Don’t fall for Internet scams…except for that one with the king from Turkey who wants to put money in your bank account and give you a share…that one’s legit.

Those five-hour energy drinks have hyena pee in them…REALLY!

When we return, Ryder has…oops, Goldust….oops, no, Ryder triple-reverses to get the duke on Goldust, and then Ryder tags out to Primo, who applies a front faceclock.  Goldust tries to get to his corner, but Primo turns and punches Tatsu off the apron.  This momentary distraction gives Goldust enough time to back body drop Primo and get to his corner, but Tatsu’s still on the floor.  Primo tries to attack Goldust, but Goldie hits a powerslam.  Goldust finally manages the tag to Tatsu, who instantly hits every type of kick known to man before reeling off a dozen chops and a leg lariat.  Primo makes the save, but Goldust bulldogs him out of the ring.  Tatsu tries to hit the running double knee in the corner, but Ryder moves out of the way and hits the Rough Ryder leaping leg lariat for the win.  What ever happened to the Zack Attack?

Winners:  Zack Ryder and Primo

Rating: 

That was a really good little match.  Not a classic, but a good match.

Next, we’re treated to an NXT package.  Nice move for WWE to let that one boring guy win the keg carry so he wouldn’t get eliminated…him and that Titus O’Neil guy both sucked.  I couldn’t tell if Titus was a good guy or a bad guy…he was about as vanilla as you can get…and not even the GOOD Breyer’s vanilla, either.  Seriously, though, just give this thing to Kaval before he accidentally spits on someone or forgets that he’s not allowed to do some random thing and gets fired…

Oh boy, next, it’s the EXACT SAME MATCH AS LAST WEEK…with the OTHER Bella twin.  I’m so sure that this won’t end with a lame ass switch…

Before the next sure-to-be classic divas matchup, we get a vignette for Salvatore Sincere II (That should win the MOST OBSURE WWE REFERENCE EVER award.) Remember, based on WWE logic, a guy who is honest is most certainly going to be a heel.

Nikki Bella vs. Jillian

Seriously, I’m not recapping this…

Jillian was winning most of the match, the two stupid twins switch, and Jillian loses.

Winner:  Nikki Bella

Rating:

Is this all they can do with these two?

The main event is already sure to be horrible, as Christian takes on “already demoted once” Curt Hawkins.  Actually, both members of the team were demoted at least once.  They should be called Demo(ted)lition!  They’re theme music can start, “Here comes the Curt, here comes Vance Archer, you can count the days `til their next departure!”  Jimmy Hart, you can’t touch this!

Before our awesome main event, we get to see what happened on RAW.  Ricky Steamboat is honored because of his DVD, but Nexus comes out and surrounds the legends in the ring.  I must admit, the choreography of the beat down was kinda’ cool, as the legends got some shots in, but the heels picked them off one at a time…even cynics have to admit that this angle isn’t all that bad.  As far as no one caring about these guys, that’s kinda’ the point…they’re not unique as individuals, but as a FORCE, they’re a threat to WWE’s top guys, because they have nothing to lose.  I’m amazed Vince and company have had the patience to stay with these…however, wait until HHH gets involved.

Next, the announcers take us to a history of the Money in the Bank event.  I liked the idea at first, but they’re getting sorta’ saturated with a PPV and 27 men involved in each one of them.  I liked it when it was six or so…

Uh oh…I wish there were more video packages, because now it’s time for…

Christian vs. Curt Hawkins (with Vance Archer)

Just to keep us waiting for this SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT CLASSIC, we go to commercials after Christian’s introduction.

Seriously, stop showing this stupid Rent-a-Center commercial with Hulk Hogan looking at puppies on the computer.  We all know that he would be looking at pictures of himself on there.

When we return, we’re treated to the introduction of Curt Hawkins, who looks like a hobo, with a suit jacket, no shirt, and pants.  Can’t these guys even sorta’ coordinate their outfits?  Anyway, the match starts with some chain wrestling that ends with a TITANIC shoulderblock by Hawkins, who taunts Christian until Christian slaps Hawkins and then takes him down.  Hawkins fights back with a series of punches, but then some stuff happens and Christian hits a move that is essentially a botch.  Hawkins heads outside and Christian hits the leaping dropkick to the outside.  Archer looks menacing, but he doesn’t attack, so Christian gets back in, heads to the top rope, and hits a flying body press.  Eventually Hawkins sends Christian to the outside, and Archer tries to beat on him, but the ref sends him to the back…okay, why couldn’t the ref do that when the other stupid ass Bella twin actually got involved in the match?!?!  Whatever.  While the heels argue with the referee, we are treated to some wonderful commercials.

Upon our return, Hawkins has a weird reverse-camel-clutch-looking hold on Christian.  Christian quickly gets back up and hits four or five punches until Hawkins knees him in the guy.  Hawkins poses and stomps Christian before unleashing a series of punches.  Hawkins props Christian in the corner and hits a knee and an elbow, but Christian clamps him in a….err, never mind about that tornado DDT.  Christian escapes from Hawkins’ next move and then punches him a few times before hauling off with one of his Christian slap-uppercut things.  Christian follows up with the reverse DDT-backbreaker move.  Hawkins comes back with a really shitty bodyslam…and this match has no flow to it whatsoever.  Christian punches Hawkins and heads to the corner to hit a missile dropkick.  Christian decides NOW that he’ll sell the moves Hawkins did to his midsection, and then he misses a flying bodypress.  Hawkins tries for a cover, but doesn’t get the win.  Christian hits his flip kick in the corner and the flying uppercut, and then he hits the Killswitch before sloppily pinning Hawkins (he actually almost MISSED hooking the leg)…ugh.

Winner:  Christian

Rating:

Man, that match was horrible.  They need to find a way to have Christian fight non-scrubs.  Also, Hawkins needs to be sent back to…scratch that, Hawkins needs to seek gainful employment elsewhere, because wrestling isn’t his thing.

Now, let’s hand out some awards and call it a night.

The Golden Batarang Award:  The opening match was really good.

The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:  Curt Hawkins…`nuff said.

Have a good evening, folks…see you soon!

 

 

SEND FEEDBACK TO  GREAT SCOTT.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).