“Great” Scott’s WWE
Superstars Recap for July 8, 2010
Hello
again, readers, and welcome to Sunday Night HEAT….wait,
this isn’t HEAT?
After looking at this week’s matches on WWE.com,
it’s hard to believe that this isn’t the WWE’s former
third-string show.
This week's show is going to be a lot like the
last three weeks (and a lot like the show that used to
prominently feature Stevie Richards), with pretty much
all the same folks doing all the same things…but that’s
me being pessimistic. I’ll put on my
positive face and try to recap this show to the best of
my abilities.
Before I continue, I just have to comment on the LeBron
James debacle.
I’m doing this recap from DVR because I wanted to
watch “King James” make his announcement. I wanted to do
this because I think that LeBron is stealing this
storyline from the old WWF. Back in the 80s,
this is the same storyline as the WWF did with Bam Bam
Bigelow.
All the heel managers thought they were going to
land Bam Bam, and it looked like Slick was going to win.
Unfortunately for The Slickster, Bam Bam turned face
(before actually being a heel) and ended up with Sir
Oliver Humperdink.
I wish LeBron turned on
Well, before I flip on the DVR, let me come up with a
quick top ten.
Okay, I’ve got it. Since I just
spent the last paragraph talking about managers, I’ll go
with…
“Great”
Scott’s Top Ten Favorite Wrestling Managers/Valets
·
Harvey Wippleman
·
Miss Elizabeth
·
Mr. Fuji
·
Slick
·
Jimmy Hart
·
Sunny
·
Jim Cornette
·
“The Genius” Lanny Poffo
·
Ralphus
·
Bobby “The Brain” Heenan
Well, I’ve delayed for as long as I could…let me turn on
the DVR and waste the next hour of my life…
I’ve just noticed that half the people in the intro
haven’t wrestled in months (Undertaker, HHH, Beth
Phoenix, Melina...)
The WWE starts with the obnoxiousness by having the
Bellas be the special guest referees…seriously, unless
these two are going to be in Playboy, this gimmick has
played itself out three times over…seriously. With these two
idiots AS THE REFS, how are they going to pull their
stupid switcheroo crap? I sense a black
hole of “un-logic” coming up.
Primo and Jillian vs. Yoshi
Tatsu and Gail Kim
Hmmmm…I wonder who’s going to win this match. Michael Cole
starts of awesomely as he says that Gail Kim is
Canadian…and while I realize she lives there…come on.
The women start, and Jillian nails a quick clothesline
and hair pull head slam. Jillian
continues to be angry until Gail Kim hits a kick and a
clothesline.
Jillian tags in Primo, who is quickly thrashed by
Tatsu until Jillian grabs Tatsu’s leg. Unfortunately,
since it’s Primo we’re talking about, this doesn’t help,
as Gail Kim leaps off the top turnbuckle and pulls off a
flying head scissors. Primo stumbles
into a series of kicks from Tatsu, that Yoshi follows up
with about a half dozen chops. Primo finally
takes control with a dropkick and mounted punches. He follows with
a kick, a stomp on the face, and a rest hold. Tatsu tries to
escape, but fails, as Primo continues to pound him. The Bellas are
ridiculously useless out here. Primo continues
to maintain control, until he tries to hit a punch off
the second rope and eats two boots from Tatsu. Primo tags out,
so the women come in. Gail Kim
dominates and hits the corner spear, and the two women
fight in the corner for a minute until they pull the
double clothesline. All breaks loose
until Jillian decides she’s had enough and decks both
Bellas.
Gail rolls up Jillian and one of the Bellas makes
a super-quick three count.
Winners: Yoshi Tatsu and
Gail Kim
Rating: 
I’ll give the match two stars for the wrestling and
minus one star for the Bellas…
Sweet baby Jesus, the “main event” (in the LOOSEST sense
of the word) is a Divas tag match with Kelly Kelly,
Tiffany, and Tiffany’s teeth against Michelle McCool,
bulimia, and Layla…shoot me now.
I want to comment on the commercials, but the image of
Michelle McCool in a MAIN EVENT is making me slightly
ill.
The two kids in the Above The Influence have such a
boring day, I want to do drugs…I guess that commercial
didn’t work the way you expected, huh?
Well, the show can only get better from here…I hope.
Zack Ryder vs. Goldust
I guess the one-legged tights are a thing of the
past…apparently the economy is even hurting the gay ring
attire makers, too.
Goldust needs to not put black makeup on his nose…he
looks like a skeleton.
Goldust starts quick with an armdrag and a fruity taunt
(VINTAGE GOLDUST!).
He follows with a shoulderblock and another
armdrag.
Ryder fights out with a pair of forearms, but is
quickly clotheslined and butt-bumped by Goldust. This, of course,
causes us to go to commercials…
Tom Petty is the pulse of
1,001 burning questions in the Best of WWE
magazine?
That sounds like next week’s top ten list!
When we get back, Goldust hits a cool slingshot/back
breaker move, but Ryder quickly regains control by
stunning Goldust over the top rope. Ryder follows
with a trio of punches and a paintbrush kick in the
corner. He
bellows a hearty, “Woo woo woo,” but he can’t get the
pin. The
two guys exchange punches, but Goldust takes control
with a pair of clotheslines, an uppercut, and an
inverted atomic drop. Goldust gets
Ryder in the corner and hits a few punches before Ryder
shoves him off, only to run into a Goldust powerslam.
Godlust trues to follow up with a DDT, but Ryder slips
out, trips Goldust into the corner and hits the Rough
Ryder for the win.
Winner:
Zack Ryder
Rating:
This
match was probably average, but it’s all a matter of
perspective…I'm thinking this is probably going to be
the apex of the show.
After the match, we get to see the NXT rookies
talk…yeah, umm…pardon the pun, but I’m speechless. And,
before I move on…Yes, Eli Cottonwood, you DO have a
mustache.
Because I have obviously sinned in a previous life, the
WWE is bringing back the Masterlock Challenge. Gee, I only hope
The Great Khali comes out to accept!! Be still, my
beating heart!
Come on, the frickin’ Dudebusters?!? I’m not even
going to call this a match. Are they
seriously going to job them out to one guy?
Ugh.
Caylen
Croft is the guy that’s going to be made to look foolish
first.
After acting like a tool for a few minutes,
Masters locks on the full nelson and flings Croft around
like a rag doll.
Santino did a better job. Baretta takes
umbrage with Masters’ treatment of his partner and gets
in the chair.
Croft, however, jumps Masters and the Dudebusters
actually get a moment of glory…savor it, fellas’ because
you’ll lose to Chris Masters and whoever they decide to
team with him.
Before we get to our fantastic main event, we’re treated
to a Jack Swagger video package. My buddies hate
on this guy, but with a little more polish (and some
strong braces), he could really be a good performer.
We further delay my misery by watching the RAW Rebound.
I have to say, Wade Barrett is better on the microphone
than 95 percent of the WWE roster. Also, was I the
only won that thought that John Cena beating up Darren
Young was like Link fighting Dark Link from The Legend
of Zelda II: Adventure of Link?
LayCool vs. Tiffany and Kelly
Kelly
Tiffany and Michelle McCool start, with crappy wrestling
and taunting aplenty.
Lots of arm twisting and crappy moves follow, but
Tiffany takes advantages with some less crappier moves,
including a passable monkey flip out of the corner. Kelly Kelly tags
in and does a sunset flip over Tiffany. Michelle
however, regains control and tags to Layla, who mocks
Kelly by calling her…smelly…awesome. Kelly tags in to
Tiffany, who hits the worst dropkick this side of Erik
Watts.
Layla, however, takes control by tripping Tiffany
and doing lots of heel-type stuff. Michelle tags
back in and hits some bony knee strikes…I’m surprised
she didn’t draw blood with those things. More taunting
and a punch to Kelly in the corner. The heels
continue to beat Tiffany down in the corner. Michelle tags
Layla and Tiffany tries to make a tag, but the heels
prevent it and continue to “dominate.” Michelle comes
back in and does something that I can’t identify. Layla’s back in
and she actually hits a nice dropkick to a laid-out
Tiffany.
Layla tries to follow up, but misses. Tiffany tags and
Kelly Kelly is a BIMBO ON FIRE!! Kelly doles out
clothesline for everyone, but Layla fights back, only to
run into a boot and clothesline. Michelle tries
to interject herself, but fails. Layla attempts
to take advantage of a distracted Kelly, but fails. Kelly rolls up
Layla, but Tiffany distracts the ref, which allows
Michelle to boot Kelly Kelly in the face (I’m going to
call that move the Anorex-kick) to get the win for team
LayCool.
Winner:
LayCool
Rating:
Okay, that didn’t suck as much as I thought it was going
to. It
wasn’t Flair/Steamboat, but I’ve seen worse.
Well, at least the show wasn’t a total loss. Before I go to
bed, let me hand out some awards.
The Golden Batarang Award: The
Ryder/Goldust match was as least passable.
The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:
Man, the Bellas
are wearing thin on me.
That’s all for this week…have a “great” weekend folks, and I’ll do the same.
WWE Superstars Recap for July
1, 2010
Hello, everyone.
This recap is a little late because I wanted to
finish Red Dead Redemption so I could make my final
comments and be done with the stupid game once and for
all.
Malcolm (who does our fantastic NXT recaps here
on TWF) has his opinion and I have mine…and I learned
long ago that opinions can never be wrong; facts can be
wrong, but opinions cannot.
Before I continue, let me put this in bold text to
signify its importance…
**THERE ARE SPOILERS ABOUT RDR AHEAD**
Even having beaten the game, I’m not a fan. I’m not saying
that the game is horrible, just that it’s insanely
overrated.
The story is ridiculously predictable and the
plot points repetitive (Get this for me. Okay. Now, get this
for me.
Okay.
Now get this last thing for me. No. I’m not going to
help you then.
Okay.)
People who say this story is good need only look
at how many westerns have come out in the theatres in
the past 20 years…the genre is dead.
The
idea that this game changes the video game world is also
absurd.
There are about 100 ideas that just don’t pan
out. I’m
famous (a LEGEND as the game says), but I can’t put
together a posse to help me? I’m a hero of
the old west, yet people still try to steal my horse?
I mean, come on!! I can kill fifty men
in a raid on a fort, but I still have to help deliver
corn and collect pelts? Really? This game got
dull about halfway in, but I paid $60 for it, so I was
going to get my money’s worth…even if that meant taking
part in “genre-defining” activities like shooting
animals (instead of the 5,000 people I had to shoot),
picking flowers, and balancing on a horse (by pushing
the stick back and forth).
Wheeee!
Finally, the main character is just a TOOL. He’s a tool
right up until the end…and he’s treated like a tool
that’s outlived his usefulness. Way to instill a
feeling of choice!! There were about
fifty parts of the story where John (or the player
controlling John) could’ve taken things into his own
hands, but the writers found it easier to just let him
be a one-dimensional tool. They tried to
throw in a little touchy-feely stuff at the end, but it
just made me think that John Marston was a DOMESTICATED
tool instead of a WILD WEST tool. Honey, shoot
those crows…Honey, deliver that corn…Honey, go help your
drunken uncle/non-uncle get some horses…sigh…
So, that’s it…I traded the game in and will probably
never give it a second thought after this. If you enjoyed
it, folks, fantastic, you’re most certainly entitled to
your opinion.
Now that you’ve read my opinions on a non-wrestling
subject, I thought I would do a wrestling-related top
ten list.
My buddy, Feesh, helped me come up with the idea for
this, so he gets credit for helping me come up with…
“Great” Scott’s Ten Favorite Wrestling-Related Videos on
YouTube
The
Crying Wrestling Guy. Come on, I’ve
only referenced this guy 50 times!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nNJdJOEtlyY
Brock Lesnar’s SSP Botch. Man, this was
crazy painful to watch.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yZocE16RYns
Sid Vicious Breaks His Leg. Speaking of
crazy painful…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DQ_RR9WjUlI
Kurt Angle Mocking Shawn Michaels. This sketch
RULED THE PLANET!!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1GIXF-CGftc&feature=related
Kurt Angle Attacks the
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wwzjPb36p6M
DX Mocks The Nation of Domination. The guy who did
Owen Hart was CLASSIC.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tq6HkY5JnBc
Owen Hart Kicks Bret’s Leg Outta’ His Leg.
My buddies and I
still make fun of this.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o_gvPXeIV1c&feature=related
Top Ten Moves of Bastion Booger. Someone set this
to Miley Cyrus.
Awesome.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xPQk27df7WU
Jake Robert’s Heroes of Wrestling Interview. You got 21? I got 22! YES!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9clRpVbYZw8&feature=related
The Iron Sheik Shoot Video Clips. If anyone
disagrees, I say FAAACKIN’ BOOLSHIT!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mRRHvw0s1Yc
Well, now that you’ve watched ten FUNNY videos…it’s time
to watch….uh oh…might’ve set myself up to fail this
week.
Yoshi Tatsu and Goldust vs.
Zack Ryder and Primo
Uh oh, call the police! Someone stole
Zack Ryder’s other pant leg! Call the fuzz,
bro!
This is one of those, “at least one team has to win,”
matches between guys that never get to win.
Ryder starts things with a taunt, but Tatsu gains the
upper hands with chops aplenty followed by a nice
armdrag.
Tatsu tags Goldust in, and he continues to work
on Ryder’s arm.
Goldust actually wrestles like he cares for a few
seconds, even gaining the upper hand on Primo after a
heel team tag.
Goldust tags back out to Tatsu, who keeps the
pressure on Primo’s arm. Primo finally
escapes, but he can’t keep control long, as Tatsu hits a
cross body and continues to work the arm. Primo misses a
springboard cross body, but redeems himself by stunning
Tatsu over the top rope. Primo tags to
Ryder, who immediately hits a knee drop on Tatsu. Yoshi tries to
fight back, but Ryder stays on the offensive and tags to
Primo.
Primo enters and clamps on a chinlock. After the
chinlock, Primo pounds Tatsu in the corner, but misses a
charge in the opposite corner. This gives Tatsu
a chance to tag to Goldust, who goes all “vintage” on
Primo.
Goldust gets Primo in the corner and starts
hitting punches, but Ryder comes over to…get punched in
the face by Goldust. This gives Primo
a chance to clobber Goldust from behind and knock him to
the outside.
COMMERCIALS!
Don’t fall for Internet scams…except for that one with
the king from Turkey who wants to put money in your bank
account and give you a share…that one’s legit.
Those five-hour energy drinks have hyena pee in
them…REALLY!
When
we return, Ryder has…oops, Goldust….oops, no, Ryder
triple-reverses to get the duke on Goldust, and then
Ryder tags out to Primo, who applies a front faceclock.
Goldust tries to get to his corner, but Primo
turns and punches Tatsu off the apron. This momentary
distraction gives Goldust enough time to back body drop
Primo and get to his corner, but Tatsu’s still on the
floor.
Primo tries to attack Goldust, but Goldie hits a
powerslam.
Goldust finally manages the tag to Tatsu, who
instantly hits every type of kick known to man before
reeling off a dozen chops and a leg lariat. Primo makes the
save, but Goldust bulldogs him out of the ring. Tatsu tries to
hit the running double knee in the corner, but Ryder
moves out of the way and hits the Rough Ryder leaping
leg lariat for the win. What ever
happened to the Zack Attack?
Winners: Zack Ryder and
Primo
Rating: 
That was a really good little match. Not a classic,
but a good match.
Next, we’re treated to an NXT package. Nice move for
WWE to let that one boring guy win the keg carry so he
wouldn’t get eliminated…him and that Titus O’Neil guy
both sucked.
I couldn’t tell if Titus was a good guy or a bad
guy…he was about as vanilla as you can get…and not even
the GOOD Breyer’s vanilla, either. Seriously,
though, just give this thing to Kaval before he
accidentally spits on someone or forgets that he’s not
allowed to do some random thing and gets fired…
Oh
boy, next, it’s the EXACT SAME MATCH AS LAST WEEK…with
the OTHER Bella twin. I’m so sure that
this won’t end with a lame ass switch…
Before the next sure-to-be classic divas matchup, we get
a vignette for Salvatore Sincere II (That should win the
MOST OBSURE WWE REFERENCE EVER award.) Remember, based
on WWE logic, a guy who is honest is most certainly
going to be a heel.
Nikki Bella vs. Jillian
Seriously, I’m not recapping this…
Jillian was winning most of the match, the two stupid
twins switch, and Jillian loses.
Winner: Nikki Bella
Rating:
Is this all they can do with these two?
The main event is already sure to be horrible, as
Christian takes on “already demoted once” Curt Hawkins. Actually, both
members of the team were demoted at least once. They should be
called Demo(ted)lition! They’re theme
music can start, “Here comes the Curt, here comes Vance
Archer, you can count the days `til their next
departure!”
Jimmy Hart, you can’t touch this!
Before our awesome main event, we get to see what
happened on RAW.
Ricky Steamboat is honored because of his DVD, but Nexus
comes out and surrounds the legends in the ring. I must admit,
the choreography of the beat down was kinda’ cool, as
the legends got some shots in, but the heels picked them
off one at a time…even cynics have to admit that this
angle isn’t all that bad. As far as no one
caring about these guys, that’s kinda’ the point…they’re
not unique as individuals, but as a FORCE, they’re a
threat to WWE’s top guys, because they have nothing to
lose. I’m
amazed Vince and company have had the patience to stay
with these…however, wait until HHH gets involved.
Next, the announcers take us to a history of the Money
in the Bank event.
I liked the idea at first, but they’re getting
sorta’ saturated with a PPV and 27 men involved in each
one of them.
I liked it when it was six or so…
Uh oh…I wish there were more video packages, because now
it’s time for…
Christian vs. Curt Hawkins
(with Vance Archer)
Just to keep us waiting for this SPORTS ENTERTAINMENT
CLASSIC, we go to commercials after Christian’s
introduction.
Seriously, stop showing this stupid Rent-a-Center
commercial with Hulk Hogan looking at puppies on the
computer. We all know that
he would be looking at pictures of himself on there.
When we return, we’re treated to the introduction of
Curt Hawkins, who looks like a hobo, with a suit jacket,
no shirt, and pants.
Can’t these guys even sorta’ coordinate their
outfits?
Anyway, the match starts with some chain
wrestling that ends with a TITANIC shoulderblock by
Hawkins, who taunts Christian until Christian slaps
Hawkins and then takes him down. Hawkins fights
back with a series of punches, but then some stuff
happens and Christian hits a move that is essentially a
botch.
Hawkins heads outside and Christian hits the
leaping dropkick to the outside. Archer looks
menacing, but he doesn’t attack, so Christian gets back
in, heads to the top rope, and hits a flying body press.
Eventually Hawkins sends Christian to the
outside, and Archer tries to beat on him, but the ref
sends him to the back…okay, why couldn’t the ref do that
when the other stupid ass Bella twin actually got
involved in the match?!?! Whatever. While the heels
argue with the referee, we are treated to some wonderful
commercials.
Upon our return, Hawkins has a weird
reverse-camel-clutch-looking hold on Christian. Christian
quickly gets back up and hits four or five punches until
Hawkins knees him in the guy. Hawkins poses
and stomps Christian before unleashing a series of
punches.
Hawkins props Christian in the corner and hits a
knee and an elbow, but Christian clamps him in a….err,
never mind about that tornado DDT. Christian
escapes from Hawkins’ next move and then punches him a
few times before hauling off with one of his Christian
slap-uppercut things. Christian
follows up with the reverse DDT-backbreaker move. Hawkins comes
back with a really shitty bodyslam…and this match has no
flow to it whatsoever. Christian
punches Hawkins and heads to the corner to hit a missile
dropkick.
Christian decides NOW that he’ll sell the moves
Hawkins did to his midsection, and then he misses a
flying bodypress.
Hawkins tries for a cover, but doesn’t get the
win.
Christian hits his flip kick in the corner and
the flying uppercut, and then he hits the Killswitch
before sloppily pinning Hawkins (he actually almost
MISSED hooking the leg)…ugh.
Winner:
Christian
Rating:
Man, that match was horrible. They need to
find a way to have Christian fight non-scrubs. Also, Hawkins
needs to be sent back to…scratch that, Hawkins needs to
seek gainful employment elsewhere, because wrestling
isn’t his thing.
Now, let’s hand out some awards and call it a night.
The Golden Batarang Award: The opening
match was really good.
The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award: Curt Hawkins…`nuff
said.
Have a good evening, folks…see you soon!
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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