“Great” Scott’s Special
Double Feature Superstars Recap
June 17, 2010 WWE Superstars Recap
Thanks to crappy
Well, since I have two recaps, I guess I'm going
to have to do two top tens…so for this episode, I'm
going to use a topic (and some answers) provided by
valued reader, Maximvenom. To show that my
recaps are truly interactive, I'll use one of his ideas
and one of mine.
This is not at all because I couldn't think of
ten items….nope, not at all.
Top Ten Things That'll Happen If The Rock
Comes Back to WWE
·
(His) People's
Strudel for the divas.
· (Mine) At least
John Cena will have competition for worst movie career.
·
(His) More
remarks on how pasty Shemaus is, calling him things like
"the great white nope," "chalkboy," or making comments
about being able to see what he had for supper.
·
(Mine) Josh
Matthews will become the new Coach.
·
(His) CM punk =
filthy hippy.
·
(Mine) Santino
will at least have someone who's in his ballpark on the
mic.
·
(His) The big
slow, now with punching action!
·
(Mine) Poor MVP
will have to get rid of the Ballin' Elbow…waaaay too
similar.
·
(His) "John Cena,
The Rock sees you, The Rock knows and respects you, but
The Rock also laughs at your limited move set! And
didn't you use to rap? Want to rap a little with the
great one? IT DOESN"T MATTER WHAT YOU WANT!!!"
·
(Mine)
At least
fifty HHH vs. Rock matches in the next five years.
See, folks? I live up to my word that this is the
most interactive recap on the site…if you want to get
involved, feel free to shoot me an e-mail with an idea.
Keep in mind that if it sucks, my friends and I will
mock you and YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW!
Well, the WWE suckers me into sorta’ caring by
making the first match…
Kofi Kingston (with Joe Hennig, who is
just sooooo face that he has to turn heel) vs. Trent
Berreta (with Caylen Croft)
Matt Striker makes Ironic Comment of the Night #1
by saying that NXT isn’t about him, it’s about the
rookies learning things…ummmmm, okay. This from the
guy who lets the rookies say about three words before
yanking the microphone away.
Awesome.
The match starts off with about two minutes of
tieups.
The commercials this week suck.
All of these people who are kissing Red Dead
Redemption’s ass should be ashamed of themselves. The game is a
six at best.
When we return, Berreta still has control. Kofi mounts a
comeback, but Berreta hits a cool dropkick/knee strike
move that deserves a replay. Berreta beats
down
Winner: Kofi Kingston
Rating:
Wow, a really good match to start the show!! I’m thinking
this is just a trick to lure me in, so I’ll tread
cautiously.
We get some NXT footage of the pros beating down
this season’s rookies because LAST SEASON’S rookies are
causing trouble.
According to their logic, we should take random
criminals that are currently in jail and electrocute
them to teach OTHER CRIMINALS a lesson…very sound
thinking.
Also, smart move letting MVP do the lion’s share
of the talking…if by SMART you mean STUPID. Finally, great
move letting the really talented guy (Kaval) lose after
the other guy does one move to him. Seriously, does
the WWE write down logical things and then do the
COMPLETE OPPOSITE?!?
Oh yeah, and I really do hope this Matt Striker
thing ends in a MATT STRIKER IN-RING COMEBACK!! Or not.
In our main event…ugh.
I thought I was going to see Jonah Hex, but the
critics DESTROYED it. Perhaps Megan
Fox will stick to keeping her mouth shut and posing in
her underpants.
This acting thing just isn’t working out for her.
The prostate commercial with the retired old
baseball players was dumb until the busted out ROLLIE
F’IN FINGERS!!
That guy had the sweetest `stache EVER!
Ironic Moment of the Night #2 comes when we see
that Randy Orton is in a book that, odds are, he can’t
even read.
More potential for a good match as we get…
Yoshi Tatsu vs. Primo
Would
it kill them to push Tatsu just a LITTLE BIT? Man, he never
seems to rise above the level of fighting Primo. Primo pisses
Tatsu off right off the bat, so Yoshi fires off some
shots before snapping off a hip toss and arm drag. Primo finally
cons Tatsu into a leap during which Primo boots him in
the gut.
Primo follows up with a picture perfect camel
clutch (PRIMO WILL BREAK YOUR BACK AND MAKE YOU
HUMBLE!!)
Primo follows up with an elbow drop, knee strike,
and some strikes in the corner. Tatsu kicks his
way out, but Primo hits a drop toehold and clamps the
camel clutch on again. (FAAAAACKING BOOOLSHIT!!) Primo continues
to rule the school with an abdominal stretch. Yoshi escapes
and manages a dropkick and a flurry of kicks, chops, and
punches.
Tatsu follows up with the knee lift in the corner
and rolls Primo out to set up his kick the face, but
Primo ducks and rolls up Tatsu…for the three count??!?
Okay, he had the tights, but really? Primo winning a
match?
Official temperature in hell…40 below zero.
Winner:
Primo
Rating:
That wasn’t a bad match at all. I’ll award this
an extra half a Riddler for Primo winning his first
(non-tag) match in like five years.
Now, for some reason that I cannot comprehend,
The Punjabi Poop Pile comes out and chases Primo back
into the ring so Tatsu can kick him in the head. This turns him
right into the Punjabi Plunge. Figures this has
to happen if Primo gets to win his one match.
I’m still not even going to bother with the main
event…shouldn’t the
Undertaker’s deadliest matches? Perhaps they’ll
have his epic encounters with Giant Gonzalez, Jimmy
Snuka, and Kama “The Ultimate Fighting Machine.” Goody goody!
Before we return to our main event, we get a
video package on Kane, who is searching for the person
who put his brother in a “vegetative state.” Awesome that
Undertaker is such an egomaniac that they couldn’t even
have him on screen beaten up…what a jackass. I’ll bet the
bank that it was Kane who did it…just because the WWE
writer monkeys aren’t any more creative than that. It’s either
that, or Rikishi ran him over with another car.
NXT video package…I lost a ton of interest when
Vince McMahon lost his balls and fired Bryan Danielson.
Ironic moment #3…Vince’s theme song talks about
“prissy politicians,” and now his wife is running for
office and he’s become a sissy. I understand
wanting to keep the show PG-13, but Kane’s and Big
Show’s finishing move is a CHOKE SLAM!! So Danielson
gets fired for CHOKING someone!?!? Again, logic
isn’t a popular currency in WWE land.
Oh boy, here comes our main event. I’m getting
tired and I don’t think this is going to hold my
interest, so this is going to be a quickie recap.
Black Gold (Mark Henry and Goldust) vs.
The Samoan Guys (The Usos)
Michael
Cole makes Ironic Statement of the Night #3 when he says
that the team of Henry and Goldust are “interesting.”
That’s the LAST word that comes to mind when I
see those two.
I mean, I don’t hate Goldust, but this pairing is
utterly pointless.
The Samoan guys’ music sounds like something you
would hear in a Wild West saloon…heavy on the old-school
piano. That
has got to be the LEAST intimidating music I’ve ever
heard. The
chick, who I guess is Jimmy Snuka’s daughter, looks the
love interest in any 1980s Eddie Murphy movie.
The match starts with Samoans getting dominated.
Finally, Goldust becomes the (painted) face in
peril as the Samoans flash their extremely limited
offense (punches, kicks, and a bodyslam). Goldust finally
tags to Henry, who obliterates the Samoans…great way to
debut, fellas.
Both Samoans are on the outside, so we go to
commercials.
When we return, Goldust is now taking his turn
beating up the Samoans. Man, this is the
shittiest debut I’ve seen since Battle Kat. Mark Henry tags
back in and beats the crap out of the same Samoan. Henry misses a
splash, and the Samoans do more kicking and punching.
Mark Henry finally makes the tag and Goldust runs
through his gambit of moves. The other Samoan
makes a save, Snuka’s daughter grabs the foot of
Goldust, which allows one of the Samoans to hit a
superkick and a splash (the first non-punch or kick
moves they’ve bothered to do) to get the win.
Winners (in the loosest sense
of the word): The Samoan
Guys
Rating:
That match was terrible. The Samoans
aren’t even as good as the Dudebusters and these guys
will have the straps before too long. It drives me
insane that there are about a half dozen wrestlers’ sons
in the WWE, and they all suck…but Hennig’s kid has to
jump through hoops to get a contract. It’s also funny
that Snuka’s son, who wasn’t all that bad, also got
canned…but these crappy Samoans and Cody Rhodes still
waste space on the roster.
Well, that’s it for that show…let me hand out
some awards so I can get the heck outta’ here.
The Golden Batarang Award: The
opening match was really good.
The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award: The
main event was really NOT good.
Well, that was easy. See you folks in
three seconds, which is when you’ll read the next recap…
June 24, 2010 WWE Superstars Recap
Well, you're really a trooper if you're still
reading this, and I applaud you. Let me do my
second top ten list, which is going to be a struggle…
Ten of "Great" Scott's Favorite Movie
Scenes
·
The airplane
scene in The Wedding Singer
·
The opening
dream sequence of UHF
·
The ending
concert sequence of Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story
·
The "signing
up for the shootout" scene in The Quick and the Dead
·
The concert
performance in Revenge of the Nerds
·
The car
chase from The Rock
·
The
Shoveler's speech in Mystery Men
·
Any scene
with Sasha Baron Cohen in Talladega Nights
·
The driving
instructor scene in Borat
·
The phone
booth scene in Falling Down
That list was most certainly not
all-inclusive…they were just the top ten I could think
of.
JTG (with Nelly’s wardrobe) vs. Caylen
Croft (with no chance of winning)
Man, I feel bad for the Dudebusters…these guys
haven’t won one legit match, and they’re super-talented.
A tieup leads to heel chicanery by Croft, but JTG
fights back with a clip of the knee, a legdrop to the
back of the head, and a flapjack. After some back
and forth, Croft shoves JTG off the top rope. JTG lands on the
outside, where Barretta helps out a little bit. Croft tosses JTG
back in the ring and goes right to a rest hold. JTG punches his
way out, and then hits a double spinning neckbreaker to
regain control.
He follows with a flipping shoulderblock, a
clothesline, a dropkick, and The Mugshot. JTG seemingly
makes a mistake by hitting a baseball slide dropkick on
Trent Barreta on the outide. Croft, however,
can’t capitalize, and falls pray to The Shoutout.
Winner:
JTG
Rating:
That
was a totally average match. There’s not much
more I can say about it.
After the match, JTG channels his inner Junkyard
Dog and dances with some kids…just to show how PG the
WWE is.
On RAW on Monday, tune in to see if this is the
week that Vince and Company screw up the best (and by
best I mean LEAST WORST) angle in the WWE in the last
five years (at least). I’m thinking
that Stephanie will be leading the rookies or some damn
thing that no one wants to see.
Also, another prediction…Hornswoggle is the
mystery GM, and they discover it by pulling back a
curtain ala Wizard of Oz…just watch.
Wow, no rest for the weary, as we head straight
to…
Luke Gallows (with Serena) vs. Chris
Masters (with dancing pecs)
I’m thinking that we’re not going to see any
moonsaults or spinning heel kicks in this one.
A lockup leads to a cheapshot by Gallows. Gallows gets in
a few shots before missing a corner charge, allowing
Masters to take control by going to work on Gallows’
arm.
Gallows fights out and slams Masters, but misses
on the follow-up elbow. Masters hoists
Gallows…oh, err, well, there we go; he finally gets
Gallows up in a shaky delayed suplex. After the move,
Gallows rolls to the outside into the beautiful bosom of
Serena. I
would take the DQ and stay there…but that’s just me.
Burger King is shilling for that shitty movie?
I can’t see anything positive in those Eclipse movies.
All the actors suck ass (especially that chick who I
thought was a boy in Panic Room). The vampires
sparkle and have diamond skin?!? What the holy
hell is that all about?!? That would be
like making a zombie movies and the zombies sing, eat
ice cream, and shoot flowers and rainbows out of their
ears!!
Anyway, when we return, Masters is yelling
“MASTERLOCK!!”
He can’t, however, clamp on the hold, as Gallows
sends him to the outside. Gallows follows
up by flinging Masters to the security barricade and
then tossing back in the ring. Gallows keeps
the pressure on by landing a big splash and applying a
rear chinlock.
Masters gets out, only to try a slam that fails
miserably.
Gallows continues to work on Masters’ back by
hitting a suplex.
Wow, Gallows smartly continues to work on
Masters’ back, but Masters finally escapes and hits some
chops and a leaping shoulderblock. He follows that
up with a pair of clotheslines. Masters then
goes the second rope and hits a flying shoulderblock.
Masters tries for an Irish whip, but Gallows
reverses it and boots Masters right in the chin. Somehow, this
doesn’t get the three count. Gallows tries for the
Gallows Poll, but Masters escapes. Gallows returns
the favor by escaping from the Masterlock. Gallows backs
Masters into the corner, but Masters fights back and
heads to the second rope again. This time,
Serena distracts Masters long enough for Gallows to kick
him and hit the Gallows Poll for the win.
Winner: Luke Gallows
Rating:
This was an average match, but I’m awarding a
half point for Serena being at ringside.
Next, we’re treated to an NXT flashback…that Eli
Cottonwood guy makes the Great Khali seem like Tom
Hanks…the Titus guy and Lucky Cannon don’t seem a
shitload better.
They’re just redoing the Daniel Bryan thing with
Kaval; hopefully, he won’t choke anyone with a tie, or
eat an artiCHOKE, or put the CHOKE on a motorcycle, or
he won’t lose a game of something after being ahead by a
lot of points (which is considered…cho…oh, never mind).
Nevertheless, the frat boy-looking guy, Hennig’s
kid, and the Lamar Latrell/Steve Urkel guy look like the
three frontrunners.
+
=
Oh boy, it appears that this show is getting
WORSE, as we’re going to see…
Jillian vs. Brie Bella (with the other
Bella)
I’ll tell you, it SUCKS that the WWE is PG now,
what with these two around. Their Playboy
spread would sell through the frickin' roof. So, let’s get on
to this match, which will inevitably end with the Bellas
making a switch of some sort.
Jillian dominates most of the beginning of the
match, with the Bella only getting in a move or two.
Jillian continues to beat on the Bella, taunting
her the entire time. Eventually,
Jillian goes for a handspring elbow and Brie gets her
knees up.
Brie follows up with some clotheslines and a
bulldog.
Jillian tries to reverse, but…no, Jillian stops a
roll-forward pin attempt, but only gets a two count.
Jillian tosses the Bella to the floor…brilliant
move. The
Bellas roll around together on the floor to try to
confuse the ref, but he proves that he should win the
Nobel Prize for Refereeing, because he notices that one
Bella is sweaty, and he sends her back in the ring. Jillian goes
right back to work, but the ref pulls her away, which
gives the Bellas a chance to pull off a switch, which
succeeds this time. The Bella (Nikki
now) rolls Jillian up and gets the win.
Winner: The Bellas
Rating:
That match was kinda’ boring, but I’ll give it
the extra half point because of the intelligent ref.
Listen to what the advertisement says, don’t be a
puppet by drinking or smoking…as a matter of fact,
always listen to what the advertisements say…that
doesn’t make you a puppet.
They shill WWE Classics…which would sell a lot
better if maybe you took shitty divas matches of this
show and replaced them with a classic match each week…I
think that would be a pretty “great” idea.
Before out main event, we get to see a replay of
the NXT rookies beating up Vince McMahon. After the
beatdown, the crowd actually starts a mild, “NXT,”
chant. I
also like that when the cameraman calls for someone
named “Stu,” the crowd actually starts a, “Stu,” chant.
Silly crowd!
Lastly, remember kids, you can kick the crap out
of your boss, but DON’T CHOKE HIM!!
Oh boy!
I’m hearing some random gibberish, which means
it’s time for…
R-Truth (with a terrible command of the
English language) vs. William Regal (with no chance of
winning)
They still announce Regal as King of the Ring,
which is probably the last time the poor bastard won a
singles match.
A tieup starts the proceedings…R-Truth breaks
clean and gets a pretty good chant fron the crowd. The two men tie
up again and Regal takes him down. Truth rolls
around and escapes. A shoulderblock
ends in a draw.
R-Truth gets some of his standard offense in, but
seems to hurt his leg on a dropkick. Regal kindly
gives Truth three seconds before he starts to work on
the leg.
Regal kicks the knee and then clamps on a half
crab. Truth
reaches the ropes, but that only gets him a couple of
seconds before Regal goes back to work. Truth escapes
another Regal onslaught with a monkey flip, but Regal
cleverly pushes R-Truth between the ropes, getting his
leg tied up.
Regal works Truth’s leg in the corner, but the
rapping superstar punches his way out and punctuates the
comeback with a DDT. R-Truth tries a
pin, but can’t get the three count. Regal fights
back with an exploder suplex, and seems to have things
in hand, but as Regal charges in to hit his finishing
knee lift, R-Truth hits the Lie Detector to end the
contest.
Winner:
R-Truth
Rating:
That match was actually pretty clever. Good psychology,
but not long enough to be great.
Well, that was a perfectly average show. Let’s see if I
have some awards in my magic bag to award.
The Golden Batarang Award: The
referee actually figured out that the Bellas had made a
switch!
The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award: The
Dudebusters and William Regal continue to job.
Well, if you got to this point in my double-decker recap, consider yourself a FRICKIN’ WARRIOR! You have earned my respect, and that’s not an easy thing to do! Have yourself a “great” week!
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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