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“Great” Scott’s Special Double Feature Superstars Recap

 

June 17, 2010 WWE Superstars Recap

 

Thanks to crappy Chicago baseball, even crappier WWE wrestling was pushed to 10:00 P.M. Eastern Time.  Since the Celtics were on and WWE Superstars has been getting progressively worse lately, I decided to skip WWE Superstars and do two episodes in the same week…consider it penance.   

 

Well, since I have two recaps, I guess I'm going to have to do two top tens…so for this episode, I'm going to use a topic (and some answers) provided by valued reader, Maximvenom.  To show that my recaps are truly interactive, I'll use one of his ideas and one of mine.  This is not at all because I couldn't think of ten items….nope, not at all.

 

Top Ten Things That'll Happen If The Rock Comes Back to WWE

 

   (His) People's Strudel for the divas.

   (Mine) At least John Cena will have competition for worst movie career.

   (His) More remarks on how pasty Shemaus is, calling him things like "the great white nope," "chalkboy," or making comments about being able to see what he had for supper.

   (Mine) Josh Matthews will become the new Coach.

   (His) CM punk = filthy hippy.

   (Mine) Santino will at least have someone who's in his ballpark on the mic.

   (His) The big slow, now with punching action!

   (Mine) Poor MVP will have to get rid of the Ballin' Elbow…waaaay too similar.

   (His) "John Cena, The Rock sees you, The Rock knows and respects you, but The Rock also laughs at your limited move set! And didn't you use to rap? Want to rap a little with the great one? IT DOESN"T MATTER WHAT YOU WANT!!!"

   (Mine) At least fifty HHH vs. Rock matches in the next five years.

 

See, folks? I live up to my word that this is the most interactive recap on the site…if you want to get involved, feel free to shoot me an e-mail with an idea.  Keep in mind that if it sucks, my friends and I will mock you and YOU WON'T EVEN KNOW!

 

Well, the WWE suckers me into sorta’ caring by making the first match…

 

Kofi Kingston (with Joe Hennig, who is just sooooo face that he has to turn heel) vs. Trent Berreta (with Caylen Croft)

 

Matt Striker makes Ironic Comment of the Night #1 by saying that NXT isn’t about him, it’s about the rookies learning things…ummmmm, okay.  This from the guy who lets the rookies say about three words before yanking the microphone away.  Awesome.

 

The match starts off with about two minutes of tieups.  Kingston gets the early advantage with two armdrags and an arm bar.  He continues to work Berreta’s arm and hits a nice crossbody when Berreta tries to escape.  Berreta tries to take control by yanking Kingston’s hair, but Kofi steals a move out of Goldust’s playbook by butt-butting Berreta.  Berreta manages to gain control with a shoulderblock, a knee to the head, and a chinlock/camel clutch-type hold. 

 

Kingston eventually regains his footing with a flurry of punches. He goes for a sunset flip, but Berreta escapes and stays on top.  Kofi gets to his feet again and manages to nail a nice monkey flip.  He follows with mounted punches in the corner and a European uppercut.  He puts the cherry on the sundae of pain (watch Striker steal that) by clotheslining Berreta out of the ring.  Kofi looks to follow, but Croft gets on the apron.  While the ref is distracted by Croft (and Hennig, who has come over to help), Berreta gets on the apron and moves out of the way of a Kofi charge.  Berreta quickly follows with a nice springboard leg drop.  Kingston is in so much pain that we have to go to commercials.

 

The commercials this week suck.

 

All of these people who are kissing Red Dead Redemption’s ass should be ashamed of themselves.  The game is a six at best.

 

When we return, Berreta still has control.  Kofi mounts a comeback, but Berreta hits a cool dropkick/knee strike move that deserves a replay.  Berreta beats down Kingston in the corner and hits a series of double knee strikes.  Kingston kicks his way out, but Berreta maintains control.  Finally, Kofi manages some shots, but Berreta…oops, Berreta misses crazy on a cross body and bounces all silly in the ropes.  Kingston starts to make a comeback with cross chops, a dropkick, a flippy kick in the corner (ala Christian), and a flying crossbody.  Berreta tries to get back on the offensive with a tornado DDT, but Kingston plants him face first and follows that with a leaping clothesline (like The Hurricane…man, this match is just one big copyright violation).  Kingston trots around the ring and finally hits his Boom Boom double legdrop.  He signals for the Trouble in Paradise…and actually hits it!!  Wow, that rarely ever works on the first try.  Good for him.

 

Winner:  Kofi Kingston

 

Rating: 

 

Wow, a really good match to start the show!!  I’m thinking this is just a trick to lure me in, so I’ll tread cautiously.

 

We get some NXT footage of the pros beating down this season’s rookies because LAST SEASON’S rookies are causing trouble.  According to their logic, we should take random criminals that are currently in jail and electrocute them to teach OTHER CRIMINALS a lesson…very sound thinking.  Also, smart move letting MVP do the lion’s share of the talking…if by SMART you mean STUPID.  Finally, great move letting the really talented guy (Kaval) lose after the other guy does one move to him.  Seriously, does the WWE write down logical things and then do the COMPLETE OPPOSITE?!?

 

Oh yeah, and I really do hope this Matt Striker thing ends in a MATT STRIKER IN-RING COMEBACK!!  Or not.

In our main event…ugh.

 

I thought I was going to see Jonah Hex, but the critics DESTROYED it.  Perhaps Megan Fox will stick to keeping her mouth shut and posing in her underpants.  This acting thing just isn’t working out for her.

 

The prostate commercial with the retired old baseball players was dumb until the busted out ROLLIE F’IN FINGERS!!  That guy had the sweetest `stache EVER!

 

Ironic Moment of the Night #2 comes when we see that Randy Orton is in a book that, odds are, he can’t even read.

 

More potential for a good match as we get…

 

Yoshi Tatsu vs. Primo

 

Would it kill them to push Tatsu just a LITTLE BIT?  Man, he never seems to rise above the level of fighting Primo.  Primo pisses Tatsu off right off the bat, so Yoshi fires off some shots before snapping off a hip toss and arm drag.  Primo finally cons Tatsu into a leap during which Primo boots him in the gut.  Primo follows up with a picture perfect camel clutch (PRIMO WILL BREAK YOUR BACK AND MAKE YOU HUMBLE!!)  Primo follows up with an elbow drop, knee strike, and some strikes in the corner.  Tatsu kicks his way out, but Primo hits a drop toehold and clamps the camel clutch on again. (FAAAAACKING BOOOLSHIT!!)  Primo continues to rule the school with an abdominal stretch.  Yoshi escapes and manages a dropkick and a flurry of kicks, chops, and punches.  Tatsu follows up with the knee lift in the corner and rolls Primo out to set up his kick the face, but Primo ducks and rolls up Tatsu…for the three count??!?  Okay, he had the tights, but really?  Primo winning a match?  Official temperature in hell…40 below zero.

 

Winner:  Primo

 

Rating: 

 

That wasn’t a bad match at all.  I’ll award this an extra half a Riddler for Primo winning his first (non-tag) match in like five years. 

Now, for some reason that I cannot comprehend, The Punjabi Poop Pile comes out and chases Primo back into the ring so Tatsu can kick him in the head.  This turns him right into the Punjabi Plunge.  Figures this has to happen if Primo gets to win his one match.

 

I’m still not even going to bother with the main event…shouldn’t the Kingston match have been the main event? 

 

Undertaker’s deadliest matches?  Perhaps they’ll have his epic encounters with Giant Gonzalez, Jimmy Snuka, and Kama “The Ultimate Fighting Machine.”  Goody goody!

 

Before we return to our main event, we get a video package on Kane, who is searching for the person who put his brother in a “vegetative state.”  Awesome that Undertaker is such an egomaniac that they couldn’t even have him on screen beaten up…what a jackass.  I’ll bet the bank that it was Kane who did it…just because the WWE writer monkeys aren’t any more creative than that.  It’s either that, or Rikishi ran him over with another car.

 

NXT video package…I lost a ton of interest when Vince McMahon lost his balls and fired Bryan Danielson.  Ironic moment #3…Vince’s theme song talks about “prissy politicians,” and now his wife is running for office and he’s become a sissy.  I understand wanting to keep the show PG-13, but Kane’s and Big Show’s finishing move is a CHOKE SLAM!!  So Danielson gets fired for CHOKING someone!?!?  Again, logic isn’t a popular currency in WWE land.

 

Oh boy, here comes our main event.  I’m getting tired and I don’t think this is going to hold my interest, so this is going to be a quickie recap.

 

Black Gold (Mark Henry and Goldust) vs. The Samoan Guys (The Usos)

 

Michael Cole makes Ironic Statement of the Night #3 when he says that the team of Henry and Goldust are “interesting.”  That’s the LAST word that comes to mind when I see those two.  I mean, I don’t hate Goldust, but this pairing is utterly pointless.

 

The Samoan guys’ music sounds like something you would hear in a Wild West saloon…heavy on the old-school piano.  That has got to be the LEAST intimidating music I’ve ever heard.  The chick, who I guess is Jimmy Snuka’s daughter, looks the love interest in any 1980s Eddie Murphy movie.

 

The match starts with Samoans getting dominated.  Finally, Goldust becomes the (painted) face in peril as the Samoans flash their extremely limited offense (punches, kicks, and a bodyslam).  Goldust finally tags to Henry, who obliterates the Samoans…great way to debut, fellas.  Both Samoans are on the outside, so we go to commercials.

 

When we return, Goldust is now taking his turn beating up the Samoans.  Man, this is the shittiest debut I’ve seen since Battle Kat.  Mark Henry tags back in and beats the crap out of the same Samoan.  Henry misses a splash, and the Samoans do more kicking and punching.  Mark Henry finally makes the tag and Goldust runs through his gambit of moves.  The other Samoan makes a save, Snuka’s daughter grabs the foot of Goldust, which allows one of the Samoans to hit a superkick and a splash (the first non-punch or kick moves they’ve bothered to do) to get the win.

 

Winners (in the loosest sense of the word): The Samoan Guys

 

Rating: 

 

That match was terrible.  The Samoans aren’t even as good as the Dudebusters and these guys will have the straps before too long.  It drives me insane that there are about a half dozen wrestlers’ sons in the WWE, and they all suck…but Hennig’s kid has to jump through hoops to get a contract.  It’s also funny that Snuka’s son, who wasn’t all that bad, also got canned…but these crappy Samoans and Cody Rhodes still waste space on the roster.

 

Well, that’s it for that show…let me hand out some awards so I can get the heck outta’ here.

 

The Golden Batarang Award:  The opening match was really good.

 

The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:  The main event was really NOT good.

 

Well, that was easy.  See you folks in three seconds, which is when you’ll read the next recap…

 

 

June 24, 2010 WWE Superstars Recap

 

Well, you're really a trooper if you're still reading this, and I applaud you.  Let me do my second top ten list, which is going to be a struggle…

 

Ten of "Great" Scott's Favorite Movie Scenes

 

   The airplane scene in The Wedding Singer

   The opening dream sequence of UHF

   The ending concert sequence of Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story

   The "signing up for the shootout" scene in The Quick and the Dead

   The concert performance in Revenge of the Nerds

   The car chase from The Rock

   The Shoveler's speech in Mystery Men

   Any scene with Sasha Baron Cohen in Talladega Nights

   The driving instructor scene in Borat

   The phone booth scene in Falling Down

 

That list was most certainly not all-inclusive…they were just the top ten I could think of.

 

JTG (with Nelly’s wardrobe) vs. Caylen Croft (with no chance of winning)

 

Man, I feel bad for the Dudebusters…these guys haven’t won one legit match, and they’re super-talented.  A tieup leads to heel chicanery by Croft, but JTG fights back with a clip of the knee, a legdrop to the back of the head, and a flapjack.  After some back and forth, Croft shoves JTG off the top rope.  JTG lands on the outside, where Barretta helps out a little bit.  Croft tosses JTG back in the ring and goes right to a rest hold.  JTG punches his way out, and then hits a double spinning neckbreaker to regain control.  He follows with a flipping shoulderblock, a clothesline, a dropkick, and The Mugshot.  JTG seemingly makes a mistake by hitting a baseball slide dropkick on Trent Barreta on the outide.  Croft, however, can’t capitalize, and falls pray to The Shoutout.

Winner:  JTG

 

Rating: 

 

That was a totally average match.  There’s not much more I can say about it.

 

After the match, JTG channels his inner Junkyard Dog and dances with some kids…just to show how PG the WWE is.

 

On RAW on Monday, tune in to see if this is the week that Vince and Company screw up the best (and by best I mean LEAST WORST) angle in the WWE in the last five years (at least).  I’m thinking that Stephanie will be leading the rookies or some damn thing that no one wants to see.

 

Also, another prediction…Hornswoggle is the mystery GM, and they discover it by pulling back a curtain ala Wizard of Oz…just watch.

 

Wow, no rest for the weary, as we head straight to…

 

Luke Gallows (with Serena) vs. Chris Masters (with dancing pecs)

 

I’m thinking that we’re not going to see any moonsaults or spinning heel kicks in this one.

 

A lockup leads to a cheapshot by Gallows.  Gallows gets in a few shots before missing a corner charge, allowing Masters to take control by going to work on Gallows’ arm.  Gallows fights out and slams Masters, but misses on the follow-up elbow.  Masters hoists Gallows…oh, err, well, there we go; he finally gets Gallows up in a shaky delayed suplex.  After the move, Gallows rolls to the outside into the beautiful bosom of Serena.  I would take the DQ and stay there…but that’s just me.

 

Burger King is shilling for that shitty movie?  I can’t see anything positive in those Eclipse movies.  All the actors suck ass (especially that chick who I thought was a boy in Panic Room).  The vampires sparkle and have diamond skin?!?  What the holy hell is that all about?!?  That would be like making a zombie movies and the zombies sing, eat ice cream, and shoot flowers and rainbows out of their ears!!

 

Anyway, when we return, Masters is yelling “MASTERLOCK!!”  He can’t, however, clamp on the hold, as Gallows sends him to the outside.  Gallows follows up by flinging Masters to the security barricade and then tossing back in the ring.  Gallows keeps the pressure on by landing a big splash and applying a rear chinlock.  Masters gets out, only to try a slam that fails miserably.  Gallows continues to work on Masters’ back by hitting a suplex.  Wow, Gallows smartly continues to work on Masters’ back, but Masters finally escapes and hits some chops and a leaping shoulderblock.  He follows that up with a pair of clotheslines.  Masters then goes the second rope and hits a flying shoulderblock.  Masters tries for an Irish whip, but Gallows reverses it and boots Masters right in the chin.  Somehow, this doesn’t get the three count. Gallows tries for the Gallows Poll, but Masters escapes.  Gallows returns the favor by escaping from the Masterlock.  Gallows backs Masters into the corner, but Masters fights back and heads to the second rope again.  This time, Serena distracts Masters long enough for Gallows to kick him and hit the Gallows Poll for the win.

 

Winner:  Luke Gallows

 

Rating:  

 

This was an average match, but I’m awarding a half point for Serena being at ringside.

 

Next, we’re treated to an NXT flashback…that Eli Cottonwood guy makes the Great Khali seem like Tom Hanks…the Titus guy and Lucky Cannon don’t seem a shitload better.  They’re just redoing the Daniel Bryan thing with Kaval; hopefully, he won’t choke anyone with a tie, or eat an artiCHOKE, or put the CHOKE on a motorcycle, or he won’t lose a game of something after being ahead by a lot of points (which is considered…cho…oh, never mind).  Nevertheless, the frat boy-looking guy, Hennig’s kid, and the Lamar Latrell/Steve Urkel guy look like the three frontrunners.

 

  +     =  

 

Oh boy, it appears that this show is getting WORSE, as we’re going to see…

 

Jillian vs. Brie Bella (with the other Bella)

 

I’ll tell you, it SUCKS that the WWE is PG now, what with these two around.  Their Playboy spread would sell through the frickin' roof.  So, let’s get on to this match, which will inevitably end with the Bellas making a switch of some sort.

 

Jillian dominates most of the beginning of the match, with the Bella only getting in a move or two.  Jillian continues to beat on the Bella, taunting her the entire time.  Eventually, Jillian goes for a handspring elbow and Brie gets her knees up.  Brie follows up with some clotheslines and a bulldog.  Jillian tries to reverse, but…no, Jillian stops a roll-forward pin attempt, but only gets a two count.  Jillian tosses the Bella to the floor…brilliant move.  The Bellas roll around together on the floor to try to confuse the ref, but he proves that he should win the Nobel Prize for Refereeing, because he notices that one Bella is sweaty, and he sends her back in the ring.  Jillian goes right back to work, but the ref pulls her away, which gives the Bellas a chance to pull off a switch, which succeeds this time.  The Bella (Nikki now) rolls Jillian up and gets the win.

 

Winner: The Bellas

 

Rating: 

 

That match was kinda’ boring, but I’ll give it the extra half point because of the intelligent ref.

 

Listen to what the advertisement says, don’t be a puppet by drinking or smoking…as a matter of fact, always listen to what the advertisements say…that doesn’t make you a puppet.

 

They shill WWE Classics…which would sell a lot better if maybe you took shitty divas matches of this show and replaced them with a classic match each week…I think that would be a pretty “great” idea.

 

Before out main event, we get to see a replay of the NXT rookies beating up Vince McMahon.  After the beatdown, the crowd actually starts a mild, “NXT,” chant.  I also like that when the cameraman calls for someone named “Stu,” the crowd actually starts a, “Stu,” chant.  Silly crowd!

 

Lastly, remember kids, you can kick the crap out of your boss, but DON’T CHOKE HIM!!

 

Oh boy!  I’m hearing some random gibberish, which means it’s time for…

 

R-Truth (with a terrible command of the English language) vs. William Regal (with no chance of winning)

 

They still announce Regal as King of the Ring, which is probably the last time the poor bastard won a singles match.

 

A tieup starts the proceedings…R-Truth breaks clean and gets a pretty good chant fron the crowd.  The two men tie up again and Regal takes him down.  Truth rolls around and escapes.  A shoulderblock ends in a draw.  R-Truth gets some of his standard offense in, but seems to hurt his leg on a dropkick.  Regal kindly gives Truth three seconds before he starts to work on the leg.  Regal kicks the knee and then clamps on a half crab.  Truth reaches the ropes, but that only gets him a couple of seconds before Regal goes back to work. Truth escapes another Regal onslaught with a monkey flip, but Regal cleverly pushes R-Truth between the ropes, getting his leg tied up.  Regal works Truth’s leg in the corner, but the rapping superstar punches his way out and punctuates the comeback with a DDT.  R-Truth tries a pin, but can’t get the three count.  Regal fights back with an exploder suplex, and seems to have things in hand, but as Regal charges in to hit his finishing knee lift, R-Truth hits the Lie Detector to end the contest.

 

Winner:  R-Truth

Rating: 

 

That match was actually pretty clever.  Good psychology, but not long enough to be great.

 

Well, that was a perfectly average show.  Let’s see if I have some awards in my magic bag to award.

 

The Golden Batarang Award:  The referee actually figured out that the Bellas had made a switch!

The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:  The Dudebusters and William Regal continue to job.

 

Well, if you got to this point in my double-decker recap, consider yourself a FRICKIN’ WARRIOR!  You have earned my respect, and that’s not an easy thing to do!  Have yourself a “great” week!

 

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).