WWE Superstars Recap for June 10, 2010

Hello, gang!  What a week we’ve had in the WWE universe!  Rookies beating up pros; pros beating up other rookies who didn’t do anything…whee!  I will say that it was pretty cool what they had happen on Monday night, but, as always, the WWE had to screw it up the next evening.  NXT was sort of a lackluster affair…and I was watching because I’m curious to see how Joe Henn…err, Michael McGillicutty does now that he’s been given the chance.  It was awesome that he didn’t even have a match…instead, they chose to let the big dopey stiff, Urkel, Jr., and Fatty McLardass fight instead. 

Enough about NXT, there’s a far more capable writer covering that show…let’s get to MY show, which I’m sure is going to continue to suck…Superstars has really been in a rut lately…with very few bright spots.

Speaking of bright spots, let’s get things started with a top ten list that’s really only important to me…but it’s my column, so screw you.

Top Ten Reasons Why Red Dead Redemption Isn’t All That Great

10.  Playing horseshoes is ten times harder in the game than in real life. It’s swinging your arm and throwing a bent piece of metal for crying out loud!!

9.     It’s too easy to lose honor.  I accidentally shot some dude’s horse and they’re penalizing me for it.  I could’ve paid the dumbass to get an even BETTER horse, but the guy ran off and told on me…jackass.

8.     There’s not enough stuff to spend money on.  I earn cash by completing missions, hunt animals and sell their innards, play poker, and all I can buy is medicine, tobacco, and apples for my stupid horse…you can buy guns, but you end up getting them in the course of the game, anyway.  FAIL!

7.     The instruction book is useless.  I didn’t pay attention when the instructions for dueling popped up, but I won my first duel, so I thought I was okay.  Then I lost my next three and the instruction manual didn’t tell me squat…but there were four pages of people who helped make the game!!  Fun!

6.     There’s a lot of empty space in the old west…and even space that ISN'T empty is boring.  I ran into houses and barns and stores and there’s nothing to steal or collect or uncover…just a few chests with more money I can't spend…crap!

5.     There are lots of stupid little glitches.  My horse got stuck in the ground; a guy on a horse got stuck in the ground; I got stuck in a hitching post when I got off my horse; my horse fell off of a mountain trying to come when I called it; a guy shot me while he was tied up; and people walk through doors and walls as if they’re ghosts…maybe they ARE!

4.     Lassoing people and horses is a pain in the ass.

3.     It’s a wild west game in which you’re supposed to be able to be a hero or a scourge of the west….BUT YOU CAN’T EVEN CHEAT ON YOUR WIFE WITH A WHORE!!!  What the holy hell?!?!  That is absolutely asinine…don’t even give me the choice to be a bad guy, then!!

2.     I have tons of cash, but I can’t buy a piece of land or a house?  And I can only have one stupid horse?  Why can’t I buy a farm?  It would be super beneficial if I could have multiple horses and a place where I could raise additional cash that I can't use anyway!

1.     The mission structure is ridiculously repetitive.  I spent the first seven hours doing fetch quests for three or four guys that would continuously ask me to do one more fetch quest before they would help me…and they asked about a dozen times!!!  THEN THE GUY THEY WERE HELPING ME KILL WAS ALREADY FRIGGIN’ GONE!!! SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!!!!  I almost flung my controller through the screen.  I guess it’s fifty more hours of fetch quests!!  Fun!

Well, now that I have my selfish gripe session out of the way…let’s get on to the punishment that is WWE Superstars.  The night’s torture starts with… 

Alicia Fox vs. Gail Kim

Well, at least it’s not Jillian again.  The women tie up. Alicia quickly takes Gail down, and pulls Gail’s hair when she tries to escape.  Alicia follows up with a shoulderblock and a taunt, but Gail trips Alicia and hits a nice bulldog.  Gail follows up with a flying headscissors, but is caught trying to do a flying bodypress.  Alicia rams her in the corner and hits a nice northern lights suplex.  Fox spends some time posing, which allows Gail Kim to….oops, Alicia sloppily catches Gail and hits a backbreaker to stay in control.  Alicia goes for a pin that doesn’t work, and works a chinlock with a knee to the back of Gail Kim.  Gail tries to escape, but Alicia hits another backbreaker.  Wow, this is actually tolerable for a divas match.  Alicia tries to finish things off with the axe kick, but misses, allowing Gail to get in some clotheslines.  Alicia, however, fights back, only to fall prey to a powerslam by Gail.  Gail hits her sideways spear in the corner, then heads to the top rope to…get tripped up by Alicia.  Alicia hits a sloppy axe kick on Gail, who’s still sitting draped over the top rope…and Alicia gets the win?  Really?  Okay.

Winner:  Alicia Fox

Rating: 

This match was about as average as a match could get.  A couple of sloppy spots made me not want to round the score up…which I would’ve done just because I love me some Gail Kim.

When we return from commercials, we head right to our next match.

Zack Ryder and Primo vs. Yoshi Tatsu and Goldust

Man, every time they push Tatsu or Ryder, they’re immediately pushed back into crappy tag matches with the non-winner guys.  Primo could be a good tag partner for Ryder, if they gave him a more douchey gimmick like Ryder.

Ryder starts with Tatsu only to have the crap chopped out of him.  Ryder gets pissed and hits a knee and a shoulderblock before Tatsu fights back with a hiptoss and arm drag.  Tatsu tags to Goldust, who nails a pair of shoulderblocks and goes for a pin before doing some of his old gay tricks.  Ryder, who is dressed like a gay male harlequin, is beaten up some more before he tags out to Primo.  Primo stays in control for about six seconds before the good guys do the worst series of double team moves I’ve ever seen…agonizing.  Tatsu works a rest hold before Primo fights out.  Primo tries to toss Tatsu over the top rope, but Yoshi returns the favor.  Tatsu tries to follow with an inside out flying bodypress, but Primo moves and we head to the world of commercials.

Hulk Hogan wears bunny slippers?  Figures.

I would prefer Megan Fox NOT be In Jonah Hex, but I’m going to see it anyway.

Do you have a face above your ass?  Use Dr. Scholl’s!

When we return, Ryder has a sitting abdominal stretch locked on Tatsu.  Tatsu escapes, but Ryder flapjacks him and tags to Primo, who goes to town on Tatsu, culminated in a nice straight up dropkick.  Primo tags to Ryder, who lands a knee drop and clamps on a body scissors.  He follows by choking Tatsu on the second rope.  Primo also gets a shot in while the ref is distracted.  Ryder tags to Primo, but Yoshi manages to hit a spinning wheel kick…and THE RACE IS ON!!

Both men make tags and Goldust is a WEIRDO ON FIYAH!!  He hits some moves, but Ryder shoves Goldust off as he tries hit some mounted punches in the corner.  Ryder, however, runs right into a Goldust powerslam.  Primo makes the save on a pin attempt.  Everything breaks down at this point, as both illegal men go flying out of the ring.  This mayhem allows Ryder to hit the RoughRyder on a distracted Goldust for the win.

Winners:  Zack Ryder and Primo

Rating: 

The match was average, but I’m awarding a half-point bump because Primo won a match.

After the match, the announcers equate the NXT rookie run-in with the Boston Massacre…as if something like that has never happened before. 

We’re then treated to the footage…which is awesome.  Some folks in the crowd even start an “NXT” chant.  I’m actually surprised that Cena wasn’t able to take out all eight guys…Kane did it once, didn’t he?  It was weird to watch that Darren Young guy beat up Cena…it was like Link fighting Shadow Link in Legend of Zelda 2.  Dude, Skip Sheffield’s clothesline was BRUTAL.  Man, the crowd was giving the mad heel heat!  This segment was awesome!!  I actually laughed when they showed the people in the crowd looking like they had just shot and killed a baby in the middle of the ring…seriously, people, this is all scripted…you know that, right?  If not, I hope you all don’t go to movies very much…lotsa' people dying there.  Stream of consciousness…OVER.

Unfortunately, I’m sure this angle will last two weeks and Cena will beat all of these guys and then some of them will lose matches to Cena’s wife…just like they did with the WCW “invasion,” because Vince hates to make his marketed guys look bad…I’m also sure that most of these guys will get pummeled with HHH’s sledgehammer sooner or later.  Finally, I love how NO ONE came out to help…no Edge, no Orton, no one…real unity on the WWE side, huh?

We return from that footage to our main event…

Kofi Kingston (with the son of the BEST WRESTLER EVER) vs. Luke Gallows (with the hot bald chick)

Luke Gallows sorta’ looks like a bald Matt Dillon on steroids…man, I went a long way for that joke.

I wonder when that chick will ever wrestle. I thought she was in FCW at some point.  We start off with Kingston using his speed to take down Gallows.  Gallows tries to use his strength to escape a side headlock, but fails, but eventually takes Kingston down.  Gallows, however, can’t hit a slam, which allows Kingston to hit some kicks before Gallow regains momentum, only to get hit by a Kingston dropkick.  Gallows heads outside, but Kingston fakes a bodypress before actually hitting an even cooler one off the apron.  This is so cool, in fact, that we need a commercial break to warm back up.

Burger King is selling ribs?  Now I’ve seen everything.

When we get back, Kofi is pinning Gallows, but he doesn’t get the win.  A lot of boring stuff happens until Gallows hits a nice back suplex.  He follows the suplex with an elbow drop and a cross-armed chinlock.  Kingston gets up and kicks out, but Gallows catches Kingston off of a flying bodypress and hits a powerslam.  Gallows continues to dominate with an uppercut and another suplex.  Gallows applies another rest hold, and pounds Kingston as he tries to escape.  Gallows misses a corner charge and Kingston follows with some chops and a leaping clothesline.  He follows that with the Boom Boom Boom double leg drop and a series of corner punches.  Kingston tries to keep on the pressure, but Gallows hits a big boot.  Kingston tries to get the win with Trouble in Paradise, but Gallows moves and then hits an avalanche double clothesline.  Gallows tries to finish things off with the Gallow’s Pole (Poll?), but Kingston turns it into the S.O.S., which is that roll-forward pinning combo thing, and gets the three count.

Winner:  Kofi Kingston

Rating:   

That match was okay, I guess…considering Luke Gallows was in it.  Nothing great, but slightly better than average.

Before I take my leave, let me hand out some awards.

The Golden Batarang Award:  I’m giving this to the RAW footage of John Cena et al getting their asses kicked.  I hope the WWE doesn’t drop the ball on this one.

The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:  The entire show gets this for an overall uninspired feel.  Every match had at least one really obvious botch in it, and no one went out of their way to do anything great.

That’s it for me this week…have a “great” weekend and I’ll see you next week.