"Great" Scott's WWE
Superstars Recap for June 3, 2010
Well, it's "Great" Scott, standing in the rubble
that is this Web site. Apparently, all
of the other contributors have put down their verbal
weapons and have come to a truce. It's time to
search the bodies for cash, cigarettes, and booze
flasks!!
Anyway, I apologize for missing last week's
recap…work was horrible and I couldn't get home in time
to catch the show (and I didn't feel like watching the
show on Hulu because it looked crappy). My punishment
for missing last week's show? Having to watch this one!
Before we continue, I'd like to comment on the
new season of NXT.
The WWE writer moneys were apparently in
overdrive with crappy names for these new guys. They decided to
name Mike Rotunda's kid "Husky Harris." He should be
happy he wasn't called "Pleasantly Plump Paul." That being the
case, I've decided to do…
Top Seven New Names for the
Season Two Rookies
· Husky
Harris
will be Pleasantly Plump Paul, as I mentioned. The WWE writer
monkeys LOVE alliteration and mocking overweight
wrestlers.
·
Eli Cottonwood
will be Kenneth Karl Kubbick. Not only does
the WWE LOVE alliteration, they're insanely racist, so
this name will be perfect for a large black guy.
·
Percy Watson
will be Reeve Sturkel…because the WWE loves stealing
gimmicks from "real life."
·
Titus O'Neil
will be Blackie Blackerston…again, because WWE is in
love with alliteration and racism.
·
Kaval
will be known as "Guy With No Chance Because He's Legit
and We Didn't Create Him." His "pros" are
Michelle McCool and Layla…do I need to say anything
else?
·
Lucky Cannon
will now be Penisjoke McGee…Vince will giggle
senselessly at this one.
·
Alex Riley
will be Christopher Nowinski II, because, really, is
this gimmick any different?
·
Joe Hennig
is Joe Hennig because he's the son of the greatest
wrestler EVER and shouldn't be joked about.
Now that I've contributed to the success of WWE,
let's get on with tonight's festivities, which I'm sure
are going to be FANTASTIC!!
Mark Henry (con mucho gordo)
vs. Primo (con no Carlito)
Well, I guess the irresponsibility has doomed
Primo to be a jobber until he gets his walking papers.
Carlito taunts Henry for about three seconds
before Henry starts to manhandle him. Primo strikes
back with a low dropkick and some quick strikes before
Mark Henry regains control. Henry, however,
tries to squash Primo with an Earthquake-esque splash,
but Primo flips the script and moves. Primo pops off a
few more strikes and then ingeniously applies a front
facelock…huh?
Henry escapes, but Primo continues to work
Henry’s leg.
Primo gives up on this intelligent strategy and
tries for what I can only assume is a double axehandle,
but Henry does something that knocks Primo out of the
air. I’m
pretty much getting sick of this match, so let’s fast
forward to Primo trying to do a springboard something
from the ring apron that Henry catches and turns into
the World’s Strongest Slam to mercifully end this.
Winner:
Mark Henry
Rating:
Mark Henry should’ve been David “A-Hole” Otunga’s
pro…the two have a similarly limited moveset.
Later
tonight, we’re going to have a Wrestlemania-quality
match as former ECW general manager Tiffany takes on
walking toothpick Michelle McCool. Is it just me,
or does it look like Tiffany had her top teeth shaved
straight?
Now, let’s return to the topic of non-Caucasian
wrestlers with a limited moveset by honoring the
Junkyard Dog.
It’s awesome that there were only two moves in
that entire tribute (headbutt, slam). His theme song,
Grab Them Cakes,
however…wrestling GOLD.
Red Dead Redemption commercial. I got the game
on Friday…I don’t hate it, but I’m not smooching its ass
like every review site is doing. The instruction
manual is crap, horseshoes is fifty times harder than
real life horseshoes, there are an inordinate set of
rules (I can’t even draw my gun in town? And this is the
WILD west?), and I have to do too many non-cool things
(Seriously, how many cows do I have to wrangle?) When it sticks
to what it does best (letting you be a badass), the game
shines.
Well, enough about that…let’s get to more, err…
Gail Kim vs. Jillian Hall
Gail looks hotter than ever, while Jillian’s lips
look like a pair of Reebok pumps. I'd also like to
mention that we've seen this match about 100 times and
Jillian is 0 for 100.
Jillian quickly takes control, but Gail quickly
takes it back.
The pair follow with a sloppy exchange, but Gail
saves things with a cool leaping corner clothesline.
Jillian soon takes a powder on the outside, but
Gail manages a nifty head scissors through the ropes
that she turns into a hurricanrana. Jillian turns
the tables by slamming Gail into the apron/ring steps.
Jillian takes total control from here until Gail
escapes, only to get slammed straight back down by
Jillian.
Jillian tries a pair of pins, and screams like
squealing tires each time she doesn’t get the win. Jillian screams
again and signals her corner handspring elbow, but Gail
moves and hits another head scissors takeover. Jillian thwarts
Gail’s continued comeback attempts, but Gail remains in
the contest by hitting her corner spear/splash. Gail heads to
the top rope, but Jillian stops her and actually manages
to land a superplex. This move
doesn’t get the win, either. Jillian tries to
end things with a move that is ALWAYS successful: the
mighty backslide, but Gail rolls through and hits Eat
Da’ Feat (or Defeat…Get it? It’s a PUN!) for the win.
Winner:
Gail Kim
Rating:
That match wasn’t all that bad. It’s about the
best the divas are going to offer at this point.
Hopefully, if Hulk can win his totally justified
lawsuit against Post cereal, he can stop doing these
stupid
Rent-a-Center commercials. WHAT YA’ GONNA’
DOOOO, BROTHER, WHEN FRIVILOUS LAWSUITS AGAINST CARTOON
CHARACTERS RUN WILD ON YOOOOOOU!!
This week, RAW is three hours long and the two
crappier guys from the new A-Team movie are going to
host. Damn,
if they’d have gotten the guy from District 9 that plays
Murdock and Liam Neeson, it would’ve been too cool.
Speaking of too cool (MORE PUNS!)…
Michelle McCool (with Layla)
vs. Tiffany (with crazy large gums and shaved teeth)
Can Tiffany stop smiling? Maybe she should
watch tape of her own matches!
ZING!
Chain wrestling (in the loosest sense of the
word) to start.
Tiffany does some odd headstand and Michelle
screams a lot.
Finally, McCool flings Tiffany to the outside and
punts her head into the announce table while Layla talks
all British-like.
Tiffany beats the count back in, so Michelle puts
the boots to her some more. Little Naitch
checks on Tiffany, but Michelle breaks in to lay in some
more kicks.
All of a sudden, Tiffany fights back with a back
body drop, an atomic drop (HUH?) and a monkey flip that
takes about four minutes. Tiffany goes for
a sunset flip, but Michelle McCool rolls through and
hits her weak-looking finisher (the FakeBreaker?) for
the win.
Winner:
Michelle McCool
Rating:
At least it was short…`nuff said.
We head to the back, where Chavo talks to a hog
that’s wearing a necklace that says Cougar…weird. Eventually, the
WWE pisses me off more by having Dolph Ziggler on the
same screen as this black hole of crap. The general idea
here is that Vicki has the hots for Ziggler and drops
stuff to watch him bend over. Is this really
the best you can do with Ziggler, who’s one of the top
ten in-ring performers right now? Oh, and to piss
me off SOME MORE, Chavo is in the FRICKIN’ MAIN EVENT
against Christian.
Sweet Jesus, tonight’s show is horrible.
Baseball is back says WGN…but don’t you guys show
the Cubs?
ZING!
The WWE decides that it wants to annoy me a third
time by showing a video package on Evan Bourne. Apparently,
letting him wrestle with John Cena (What a lucky, lucky,
lucky little boy HE is!!) is better than putting a strap
on him or letting beat someone legit.
Next, we’re treated to an NXT recap. Wade Barrett
won, which is pretty damned awesome. Tell me that
Barrett doesn’t look like he could be a villain in the
next Sherlock Holmes movie. As far as the
show went, Barrett cut a damned fine promo essentially
telling Otunga he was an immobile piece of crap, which
is pretty much true. Team Barrett up
with Regal and let them go bonkers. They would be
one hell of a team to watch. Along with the
new Samoans, the Dudebusters, the Hart Dynasty, and
comedy duo Santino and Kozlov, the tag team division is
actually getting better.
Well, enough of that, it’s time to move along to
our “main event,” which isn’t saying much, considering
the shit pile this show has been.
Christian vs. Commercials
Man, I wish this show would just end.
Why would they ruin what looks to be a damned
good movie like Jonah Hex by putting that nitwit Megan
Fox in it?
Yes, I realize she’s hot, but she doesn’t need to
attempt to act…it’s like using a Porsche to tow a horse
trailer.
Quick Smackdown recap makes me ill…the WWE has
fired about ten wrestlers I really liked (Haas,
Benjamin, Carlito, Helms, Burchill among them) and now
they’re going to pair Ziggler with a disgusting
harpy...and don’t even get me started on Joe Hennig.
Michael McGilligutty?!?
Seriously?!?
Christian vs. Chavo Guerrero
The match starts quickly, with speedy moves
culminating in a missile dropkick from Christian. Striker actually
mentions the Kerwin White gimmick while Christian tosses
Chavo to the outside and follows up with a cross body
over the top ropes. My dog starts
howling, which means Vicki is coming. She makes the
match a handicap match and puts Ziggler on Chavo’s team.
Because we in the audience need time to digest
this momentous announcement, we head out to commercials
again.
Man, these commercials are taking forever…I
should be the WWE Superfan just for sitting through to
watch a CHAVO GUERRERO match.
Christian vs. Chavo Guerrero
and Dolph Ziggler
We’re back, and guess what?
Yup, Chavo’s losing. Christian hits a
couple of moves before Ziggler distracts him and alows
Chavo to take the upper hand. Chavo tags out
to Ziggler, who kicks the holy hell out of Christian
before choking him on the bottom rope. Ziggler follows
with the Mr. Perfect rolling neck snap and then applies
an interesting hold that Christian quickly fights out
of. Ziggler
manages to regain control with a slingshot and a splash
in the corner.
Dolph tags to Chavo, who pops Christian with a
European uppercut.
He fights off a Christian comeback and hits a
seated dropkick before moving Christian to the heel corner, where
Ziggler gets in a cheap choke. Chavo tags and
Ziggler goes to town, but Christian fights back with all
of his signature moves (upside-down kick, flapjack,
sunset flip out of corner, stand on opponent’s back
while his neck is draped over the ropes). Chavo tries to
interfere, but fails yet AGAIN. Christian goes
to the top rope, but misses, which allows Ziggler to tag
Chavo, who comes in with a rolling splash and two of the
three amigos.
Christian hits his reverse DDT and knocks Ziggler
off the apron before hitting his flying uppercut. Chavo actually
escapes from a move, and heads to the top rope. He goes for the
frog splash, but Ziggler tags in, which must be because
he knows that Chavo is going to miss the frog splash,
which he does.
Christian hits the Killswitch, but Chavo isn’t
the legal man, Ziggler is. He hits the Zig Zag for the
win.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
(and Chavo, too, I guess)
Rating:
That match was average. Christian’s
matches are getting a little stale, as are Chavo’s,
since he pretty much gets his ass handed to him the
entire time.
Man, that was agonizing. Well, one award
will be easy to give, while one won’t.
The Golden Batarang Award:
The main event sucked the
least, so it wins by default.
The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award: Literally EVERYTHING else, from the matches to
the budding romance between a super-talented performer
and a fat cow who pisses off every fan watching the show.
That’s it for me tonight. I’m off to watch
my Boston Celtics whoop up on the Lakers of Los Angeles.
Have a “great” weekend!
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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