Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

 

"Great" Scott's WWE Superstars Recap for June 3, 2010

 

Well, it's "Great" Scott, standing in the rubble that is this Web site.  Apparently, all of the other contributors have put down their verbal weapons and have come to a truce.  It's time to search the bodies for cash, cigarettes, and booze flasks!! 

Anyway, I apologize for missing last week's recap…work was horrible and I couldn't get home in time to catch the show (and I didn't feel like watching the show on Hulu because it looked crappy).  My punishment for missing last week's show? Having to watch this one!

Before we continue, I'd like to comment on the new season of NXT.  The WWE writer moneys were apparently in overdrive with crappy names for these new guys.  They decided to name Mike Rotunda's kid "Husky Harris."  He should be happy he wasn't called "Pleasantly Plump Paul."  That being the case, I've decided to do…

Top Seven New Names for the Season Two Rookies

  Husky Harris will be Pleasantly Plump Paul, as I mentioned.  The WWE writer monkeys LOVE alliteration and mocking overweight wrestlers.

  Eli Cottonwood will be Kenneth Karl Kubbick.  Not only does the WWE LOVE alliteration, they're insanely racist, so this name will be perfect for a large black guy.

  Percy Watson will be Reeve Sturkel…because the WWE loves stealing gimmicks from "real life."

  Titus O'Neil will be Blackie Blackerston…again, because WWE is in love with alliteration and racism.

  Kaval will be known as "Guy With No Chance Because He's Legit and We Didn't Create Him."  His "pros" are Michelle McCool and Layla…do I need to say anything else?

  Lucky Cannon will now be Penisjoke McGee…Vince will giggle senselessly at this one.

  Alex Riley will be Christopher Nowinski II, because, really, is this gimmick any different?

  Joe Hennig is Joe Hennig because he's the son of the greatest wrestler EVER and shouldn't be joked about.

Now that I've contributed to the success of WWE, let's get on with tonight's festivities, which I'm sure are going to be FANTASTIC!!

Mark Henry (con mucho gordo) vs. Primo (con no Carlito)

Well, I guess the irresponsibility has doomed Primo to be a jobber until he gets his walking papers. 

Carlito taunts Henry for about three seconds before Henry starts to manhandle him.  Primo strikes back with a low dropkick and some quick strikes before Mark Henry regains control.  Henry, however, tries to squash Primo with an Earthquake-esque splash, but Primo flips the script and moves.  Primo pops off a few more strikes and then ingeniously applies a front facelock…huh?  Henry escapes, but Primo continues to work Henry’s leg.  Primo gives up on this intelligent strategy and tries for what I can only assume is a double axehandle, but Henry does something that knocks Primo out of the air.  I’m pretty much getting sick of this match, so let’s fast forward to Primo trying to do a springboard something from the ring apron that Henry catches and turns into the World’s Strongest Slam to mercifully end this.

Winner: Mark Henry

Rating:

Mark Henry should’ve been David “A-Hole” Otunga’s pro…the two have a similarly limited moveset.

File:The Wrestling Album.jpgLater tonight, we’re going to have a Wrestlemania-quality match as former ECW general manager Tiffany takes on walking toothpick Michelle McCool.  Is it just me, or does it look like Tiffany had her top teeth shaved straight?

Now, let’s return to the topic of non-Caucasian wrestlers with a limited moveset by honoring the Junkyard Dog.  It’s awesome that there were only two moves in that entire tribute (headbutt, slam).  His theme song, Grab Them Cakes, however…wrestling GOLD.

Red Dead Redemption commercial.  I got the game on Friday…I don’t hate it, but I’m not smooching its ass like every review site is doing.  The instruction manual is crap, horseshoes is fifty times harder than real life horseshoes, there are an inordinate set of rules (I can’t even draw my gun in town?  And this is the WILD west?), and I have to do too many non-cool things (Seriously, how many cows do I have to wrangle?)  When it sticks to what it does best (letting you be a badass), the game shines.

Well, enough about that…let’s get to more, err…

Gail Kim vs. Jillian Hall

Gail looks hotter than ever, while Jillian’s lips look like a pair of Reebok pumps.  I'd also like to mention that we've seen this match about 100 times and Jillian is 0 for 100.

Jillian quickly takes control, but Gail quickly takes it back.  The pair follow with a sloppy exchange, but Gail saves things with a cool leaping corner clothesline.  Jillian soon takes a powder on the outside, but Gail manages a nifty head scissors through the ropes that she turns into a hurricanrana.  Jillian turns the tables by slamming Gail into the apron/ring steps.  Jillian takes total control from here until Gail escapes, only to get slammed straight back down by Jillian.  Jillian tries a pair of pins, and screams like squealing tires each time she doesn’t get the win.  Jillian screams again and signals her corner handspring elbow, but Gail moves and hits another head scissors takeover.  Jillian thwarts Gail’s continued comeback attempts, but Gail remains in the contest by hitting her corner spear/splash.  Gail heads to the top rope, but Jillian stops her and actually manages to land a superplex.  This move doesn’t get the win, either.  Jillian tries to end things with a move that is ALWAYS successful: the mighty backslide, but Gail rolls through and hits Eat Da’ Feat (or Defeat…Get it? It’s a PUN!) for the win.

Winner: Gail Kim

Rating: 

That match wasn’t all that bad.  It’s about the best the divas are going to offer at this point.

Hopefully, if Hulk can win his totally justified lawsuit against Post cereal, he can stop doing these stupid  Rent-a-Center commercials.  WHAT YA’ GONNA’ DOOOO, BROTHER, WHEN FRIVILOUS LAWSUITS AGAINST CARTOON CHARACTERS RUN WILD ON YOOOOOOU!!

This week, RAW is three hours long and the two crappier guys from the new A-Team movie are going to host.  Damn, if they’d have gotten the guy from District 9 that plays Murdock and Liam Neeson, it would’ve been too cool.

Speaking of too cool (MORE PUNS!)…

Michelle McCool (with Layla) vs. Tiffany (with crazy large gums and shaved teeth)

Can Tiffany stop smiling?  Maybe she should watch tape of her own matches!  ZING!

Chain wrestling (in the loosest sense of the word) to start.  Tiffany does some odd headstand and Michelle screams a lot.  Finally, McCool flings Tiffany to the outside and punts her head into the announce table while Layla talks all British-like.

Tiffany beats the count back in, so Michelle puts the boots to her some more.  Little Naitch checks on Tiffany, but Michelle breaks in to lay in some more kicks.  All of a sudden, Tiffany fights back with a back body drop, an atomic drop (HUH?) and a monkey flip that takes about four minutes.  Tiffany goes for a sunset flip, but Michelle McCool rolls through and hits her weak-looking finisher (the FakeBreaker?) for the win.

Winner: Michelle McCool

Rating:

At least it was short…`nuff said.

We head to the back, where Chavo talks to a hog that’s wearing a necklace that says Cougar…weird.  Eventually, the WWE pisses me off more by having Dolph Ziggler on the same screen as this black hole of crap.  The general idea here is that Vicki has the hots for Ziggler and drops stuff to watch him bend over.  Is this really the best you can do with Ziggler, who’s one of the top ten in-ring performers right now?  Oh, and to piss me off SOME MORE, Chavo is in the FRICKIN’ MAIN EVENT against Christian.  Sweet Jesus, tonight’s show is horrible.

Baseball is back says WGN…but don’t you guys show the Cubs?  ZING!

The WWE decides that it wants to annoy me a third time by showing a video package on Evan Bourne.  Apparently, letting him wrestle with John Cena (What a lucky, lucky, lucky little boy HE is!!) is better than putting a strap on him or letting beat someone legit.

Next, we’re treated to an NXT recap.  Wade Barrett won, which is pretty damned awesome.  Tell me that Barrett doesn’t look like he could be a villain in the next Sherlock Holmes movie.  As far as the show went, Barrett cut a damned fine promo essentially telling Otunga he was an immobile piece of crap, which is pretty much true.  Team Barrett up with Regal and let them go bonkers.  They would be one hell of a team to watch.  Along with the new Samoans, the Dudebusters, the Hart Dynasty, and comedy duo Santino and Kozlov, the tag team division is actually getting better.

Well, enough of that, it’s time to move along to our “main event,” which isn’t saying much, considering the shit pile this show has been.

Christian vs. Commercials

Man, I wish this show would just end.

Why would they ruin what looks to be a damned good movie like Jonah Hex by putting that nitwit Megan Fox in it?  Yes, I realize she’s hot, but she doesn’t need to attempt to act…it’s like using a Porsche to tow a horse trailer.

Quick Smackdown recap makes me ill…the WWE has fired about ten wrestlers I really liked (Haas, Benjamin, Carlito, Helms, Burchill among them) and now they’re going to pair Ziggler with a disgusting harpy...and don’t even get me started on Joe Hennig.  Michael McGilligutty?!?  Seriously?!?

Christian vs. Chavo Guerrero

The match starts quickly, with speedy moves culminating in a missile dropkick from Christian.  Striker actually mentions the Kerwin White gimmick while Christian tosses Chavo to the outside and follows up with a cross body over the top ropes.  My dog starts howling, which means Vicki is coming.  She makes the match a handicap match and puts Ziggler on Chavo’s team.  Because we in the audience need time to digest this momentous announcement, we head out to commercials again.

Man, these commercials are taking forever…I should be the WWE Superfan just for sitting through to watch a CHAVO GUERRERO match.

Christian vs. Chavo Guerrero and Dolph Ziggler

We’re back, and guess what? Yup, Chavo’s losing.  Christian hits a couple of moves before Ziggler distracts him and alows Chavo to take the upper hand.  Chavo tags out to Ziggler, who kicks the holy hell out of Christian before choking him on the bottom rope.  Ziggler follows with the Mr. Perfect rolling neck snap and then applies an interesting hold that Christian quickly fights out of.  Ziggler manages to regain control with a slingshot and a splash in the corner.  Dolph tags to Chavo, who pops Christian with a European uppercut.  He fights off a Christian comeback and hits a seated dropkick before moving Christian to the heel corner, where Ziggler gets in a cheap choke.  Chavo tags and Ziggler goes to town, but Christian fights back with all of his signature moves (upside-down kick, flapjack, sunset flip out of corner, stand on opponent’s back while his neck is draped over the ropes).  Chavo tries to interfere, but fails yet AGAIN.  Christian goes to the top rope, but misses, which allows Ziggler to tag Chavo, who comes in with a rolling splash and two of the three amigos.  Christian hits his reverse DDT and knocks Ziggler off the apron before hitting his flying uppercut.  Chavo actually escapes from a move, and heads to the top rope.  He goes for the frog splash, but Ziggler tags in, which must be because he knows that Chavo is going to miss the frog splash, which he does.  Christian hits the Killswitch, but Chavo isn’t the legal man, Ziggler is. He hits the Zig Zag for the win.

Winner:  Dolph Ziggler (and Chavo, too, I guess)

Rating: 

That match was average.  Christian’s matches are getting a little stale, as are Chavo’s, since he pretty much gets his ass handed to him the entire time.

Man, that was agonizing.  Well, one award will be easy to give, while one won’t.

The Golden Batarang Award:  The main event sucked the least, so it wins by default.

The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:  Literally EVERYTHING else, from the matches to the budding romance between a super-talented performer and a fat cow who pisses off every fan watching the show.

That’s it for me tonight.  I’m off to watch my Boston Celtics whoop up on the Lakers of Los Angeles.  Have a “great” weekend!

 

 

SEND FEEDBACK TO  GREAT SCOTT.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).