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“Great” Scott’s WWE Superstars Recap for May 20, 2010

Hello, everyone, welcome to the Switzerland of The Wrestling Fan Web site, because on my page, we don’t get involved in any wars…preferring to stay neutral.  I love all of my fellow writers…even when they accuse me of feeding live cats to lizards…THOSE CATS WERE DEAD, I TELL YA’!! 

Anyway, let’s get to the obligatory top ten list before getting to tonight’s (sure to be better than last week’s) show.

This week's top ten list is going to be…

Top Ten People I'd Like to See Spontaneously Combust

10. Randy Orton

9.  (Tie) Every member of the Kardashian family (not including Bruce Jenner)

8.  Lindsey Lohan

7.  The Octomom (I'm not going to bother looking up how to spell her name.)

6.  Glen Beck

5.  Rush Limbaugh

4.  Ann Coulter

3.  Nick Hogan

2.  The entire cast of Jersey Shore

1.  (Tie) Jon and Kate Gosselin

Wow, that was fun…but it’s time to get on to…

Vladimir Kozlov vs. Santino Marella

Well, it says volumes about Kozlov’s quality of opposition when Santino Marella is the best guy he’s faced in nearly a year.

Santino, as usual, gets a crazy pop…they really can’t have this guy win more often?  Kozlov has a look on his face like he crapped his pants and has to walk around in it. 

Santino gets a huge crowd response before the match…which leads into Santino grabbing the microphone.  Santino becomes my favorite person EVER by comparing himself and Vladimir Kozlov to Rocky Balboa and Ivan Drago.  Santino explains and demonstrates his martial arts repertoire and makes about a half dozen funny jokes while cementing himself as the best mic worker on the WWE roster.  He tries to get a “North Am-er-ica” chant going (because I guess they’re in Canada), but it fails…bummer.  He also quotes the Rocky post-match “If you can change, and I can change…,” speech, which makes him DOUBLE awesome.

After all of this, Santino tries to make good with Kozlov by putting a hand on him in friendship, but Kozlov sees this as some sort of threat, and grabs Santino.  He gets in his trapping headbutts, and then hits a really sloppy choke slam-spinebuster for the win…bummer.

Winner:  Vladimir Kozlov

Rating (Santino's Speech): 

Rating (Match): 

That was perhaps the best mic work I’ve seen in the WWE in AGES.    Santino can still be a comical character and still get some pity wins…but I guess WWE can’t figure that out.  Kinda’ sucks, but the interview was a great start.

Hey!  A really good main event!!  Lucky me!

Next, we’re treated to an agonizing promo for Randy Orton…in which he says nothing and stares like an idiot and twitches a lot.  JOKE OF THE DAY:  What do Randy Orton and a vacuum have in common?  They both get pushed despite the fact that they SUCK!!  Ha ha…I just made that up!

The sports entertainment goodness continues as I’m treated to…

Goldust vs. William Regal

Okay, we could certainly do worse than this…despite the fact that both guys probably don’t give a crap because the WWE can’t figure out what to do with them. 

They’re still announcing that Regal was 2008 King of the Ring…awesome.  Goldust was a multi-time champion…why not announce any of those?

We start with some basic chain wrestling until Goldust strikes Regal with his ass.  Goldust works the arm for a bit, until Regal hits a knee, a series of European uppercuts, and a stiff kick.  Goldust tries to fight back, but Regal hits another stiff kick.  The two men do a dance of violence, with Goldust selling the arm that Regal was working.  Regal twists Goldust’s arm and sits on it…which causes Goldust to scream in pain.  Goldust is actually bleeding…didn’t that get him in trouble in WCW? 

Because of some rule I’ve never heard of, a doctor has to stop the bleeding, while Regal mocks Goldust the entire time, earning points from me.  Regal continues to work the ram until Goldust punches the crap out of him and moves the out of the way of a corner charge.  Regal stumbles into a powerslam, which Goldust follows up with a bulldog.  Regal hits an exploder suplex (sort of) to regain the upper hand, but he can’t maintain it when he whiffs on his running knee finisher.  Goldust boots regal in the gut and hits his suplex-roll-over-to a neck-breaker move for the win.

Winner:  Goldust

Rating: 

That match was okay…good psychologically, but I’m sure it’s hard for these two guys to care.  I don’t blame them.

NXT recap next.  I only have one thing to say:  DANIEL BRYAN (BRYAN DANIELSON) IS THE MAN!

Oh yeah, and Michael Cole is a tool…a VINTAGE tool.

I still think there’s a LOT worse than a dead battery…child molesters and Nazis, for instance.

Actually, here’s another thing that’s worse than a dead battery…

Cody Rhodes (in a fancy Members Only jacket) vs. Chris Masters (with a Hair Club membership)

Chris Masters has new music that does nothing to push his character, which was actually pretty good before…but I guess a man having bouncing tits is a better gimmick in the eyes of the WWE.

Speaking of bouncing tits, Masters tosses Rhodes and starts those boobs a-bouncin'.  Masters continues to beat on Rhodes, and then starts to work on Rhodes’ arm.  Finally, Rhodes escapes with heel trickery, but Masters tosses Rhodes about ten feet in the air to regain control.  Rhodes retreats to the outside, and Masters stupidly follows.  Rhodes wraps Masters’ arm around the ring post and rolls back in the ring.  Masters stays on the outside while we head to a commercial break.

When we return, Rhodes works the arm and pops Masters with a side Russian leg sweep.  He follows up with a knee drop and a pair of pin attempts that both fail.  Rhodes goes right back to the left arm of Masters, who manages a roll up, but stays in the armlock for a long while.  Masters finally escapes, but Rhodes hits the Goldust laydown punch in the face before getting clotheslined out of his boots by Masters.  Masters gets pumped and signals for the MasterLock, but Rhodes gets to the ropes and then hits an arm DDT.  This softens Masters up for the CrossRhodes, which gets the win for Dusty Jr.

Winner: Cody Rhodes

Rating: 

That match was surprisingly good…but I had low expectations going in.

Before we get to our main event, we have to sit through another Batista/Cena build-up package.  If these two goofballs ever had a three-way dance with Randy Orton, I would call ACME (ala Wile E. Coyote) and get a giant safe to drop on the whole affair.  Problem…solved.

Over the Limit rundown is next.  The card doesn’t look awful, but nothing is screaming “Must See” at me.

Man, these commercials are getting boring…it’s like the same series of about 10 shown over and over and over again…ugh.

YES!  Finally, I get my treat for the week!

Dolph Ziggler vs. Christian

Man, even Ray Charles can see that Ziggler is pretty much Mr. Perfect without a singlet at this point.

I wonder if Christian’s favorite candy are those yellow marshmellow chicks they sell at Easter…wow, that pun was terrible.

Nice series of moves to start, with Ziggler getting the slight upper hand.  Christian retaliates with a shoulderblock, but Ziggler stops his momentum with a series of kicks.  Christian regains control with a dropkick, but Ziggler…dear God these guys are going back and forth.  Finally, Christian sends Ziggler to the outside and hits his high-leaping baseball slide.  Ziggler nails a charging Christian with a knee to the midsection and takes control again.  Christian punches back, but Ziggler back body drops him out of the ring, which allows us to go to commercial.

The guy in the Bowflex commercial says he beats opponents in basketball that are half his age…which isn’t that impressive considering the guy is 22.

When we return, Ziggler has a leg scissors clamped on.  Christian escapes and pops Ziggler in the head a few times.  Ziggler quickly stops Christian’s shit with a FameAsser.  Ziggler angrily chokes Christian over the middle rope and then proceeds to stomp a mudhole in him.  Christian escapes a corner charge, hits his flip upside down corner kick, and then lands a clothesline and a flapjack.  He follows up with a sweet missile dropkick and a pin attempt.  Ziggler fights back and tries to suplex Christian out of the ring, but Christian escapes and hits a flying cross body, which Ziggler reverses into a pin…for two.  Ziggler manages to lock on his sleeper, but Christian escapes and hits the reverse DDT.  The match goes into hyperdrive from here, with pin attempts and escapes aplenty.  Ziggler goes for the ZigZag, but Christian escapes.  Christian goes for the Killswitch and hits it to finish things.  Bummer for Ziggler.

Winner:  Christian

Rating: 

That was a pretty good match, kudos to both guys.  It wasn’t perfect, but it was still better than most Superstars fare.

Well, with another episode in the can (not the can that last week’s episode belonged in), it’s time to hand out some awards.

The Golden Batarang Award:  The main event was really good, but the award HAS to go to Santino’s mic work…absolutely classic.

The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:  The fact that Santino got obliterated right after the speech.

At least the WWE pulled the show out of the toilet this week, so I’m relatively happy.  You folks have a “great” weekend, and I’ll do my best to do the same.  See ya’!

 

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).