Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

 

Great Scott’s WWE Superstars Recap for May 13, 2010

Waaaaassssssup, gang, it’s me, “Great” Scott, back again doing what you all definitely don’t want to do, which is waste 60 minutes watching WWE Superstars.

Before we continue, I was reading the NXT recap and saw that Malcolm Not Quite in the Middle didn’t want to start a feud with me because I’m too nice.  Perhaps he and I can start a NICENESS FEUD!!  I’ll begin by saying your grammar is impeccable and your recaps are fantastic!  TAKE THAT, MALCOLM!!

I really had to rack my brain to think of a top ten list because my brain is fried from work.  So, I used this clever Google thing all the kids are talking about and came up with…

Top Ten Things That “Great” Scott is Pissed Someone Got Rich Inventing

         Sea Monkeys.  Yes, this is old school, but every one of my old comic books had an ad for these.  Turns out, they were just stupid little shrimp…rip off.

         Chia-pets.  Come on, even if you owned one of these, would you admit it?

         The Clapper.  One of the reasons we’re a super-obese nation.

         Hair in a Can.  The only good use for this?  It was a great gag in Shallow Hal.

         Gogurt.  Seriously, if you’re too lazy to eat F’IN YOGURT, you have a problem.

         Rice Cookers.  I own a rice cooker…it’s called a POT!

         Tater Mitts.  These are essentially oven mitts with sandpaper on them…they don’t even work; I got my mother-in-law a pair as a joke for Christmas.

         Eggstractor.  Because peeling eggs is SO FRICKIN’ HARD!!

         The Wunder Boner.  Yes, this actually exists…it’s essentially a that debones fish…genius.

         The Snuggie.  It’s a blanket with sleeves…A G.D. BLANKET WITH SLEEVES!!  C’MON!

Well, now that we have that out of the way, let’s head to…ugh.

Jillian Hall and Maryse vs. Bella Twins

Uh oh, this isn’t starting off well…

One Bella starts out with Maryse, and the Bella mocks Mayrse’s “talk to the hand” pose before getting a couple of moves off.  The Bella tags out and the twins hit the move the Mexicools used to do where each person grabs a leg and then they roll forward.  The Bellas quickly make a blind tag that Jillian has to see unless she is ACTUALLY blind allows the other Bella to come in and try for a pin.  After a successful monkeyflip by the Bella (notice how I’m not even bothering trying to tell them apart), a distraction allows Jillian to hit a Samoan drop.  She works on the Bella for a bit before tagging in to Maryse.  Maryse does some of the worst wrestling I’ve ever seen before falling out of the ring, which allows the other Bella to tag in.  The Bella hits two semi-competent dropkicks before hitting a pretty cool looking flying clothesline.  Jillian comes in the ring to wreak (reek? Yeah, that’s probably more accurate.) havoc, but the other Bella cuts her off.  This, however, allows Maryse to hit the French Kiss DDT to get the win.

Winners:  Jillian Hall and Maryse

Rating: 

That was terrible.  Maryse is funny and she’s smoking hot, but she doesn’t have one iota of wrestling talent.

After the match, the heels hold the conscious Bella to beat on her, until a fembot that I’m guessing is Eve Torres comes “running” Robocop-style down to make the save.  She hits a neckbreaker on Jillian, which allows Maryse to escape.  Wow, more storyline development on Superstars?!?!?  What the heck is this?

Hey, Dolph Ziggler’s in the main event!  Good news!!  His opponent is Chris Masters!!  Bad news!

The Before picture of the guy on the BowFlex commercial is from the neck up!!  What the hell is that supposed to show!??!

I saw Iron Man 2 this past weekend…four plotlines in a comic book movie?!?  Odd…

Oh man, stinker number two is on the way…

Vladimir Kozlov vs. Billy Kidm….err, Ryan Mitchell

Oh boy, what a treat.  Kozlov starts with a quick one-handed choke takedown.  The jobber has the audacity to kick Kozlov, so the Russian boots him in the chest and beats the hell out of him before hitting a trio of trapping headbutts.  Kozlov decides that 45 seconds is enough work for one evening so he hits the one-handed chokeslam-spinebuster sorta’ thing and gets the win.  Fantastic.

Two matches, two stinkers…I’m sensing a pattern here.

Winner:  Vladimir Kozlov

Rating:

We’re treated to a video package of the eliminations from NXT, which shoots the shit out of its own credibility by eliminating the most talented guy in the whole thing.  The stupid guy that isn’t quite white or black is still on the show and David Otunga, who is truly horrible, is also sticking around, while Skip Sheffield is gone…at least the guy had a sorta’ unique personality.  So, three guys got tossed?  Ha ha, man, does Vince have some ADD…he’s already sick of NXT.  At least Tough Enough lasted a few seasons.

I can’t wait for Domino’s to spend several thousand dollars to get me to try their crappy pizza…if they write “Please” on hundred dollar bills, I might consider it.

Red Dead Revolver looks really good…I think I might have to buy myself a copy.

After the commercial, we’re treated to a Ted DiBiase, Jr. video package…I guess talent and charisma skip a generation.

Next, it’s the Smackdown Rebound, where we see RoboHardy deliver the most apathetic promo I think I’ve ever seen.  My question is: Why are average guys like Drew McIntyre, Sheamus, and Swagger getting pushes while guys like CM Punk, Evan Bourne, Yoshi Tatsu, Dolph Ziggler, and Kofi Kingston flounder in the lower-mid card?  I mean, really, is Drew McIntyre reeeeally all that great?  He looks like the main character in a Final Fantasy game.

Since the last match took less than a minute, we get a lengthy rundown of the card to the fifty-first pay per view of the year…wheee!

Another video package of Randy Orton looking like a stupid tool.  I hope Edge’s back is okay, because he’s carrying 240 pounds of crap in these promos while Randy Orton stares like an extra from One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.  Undertaker gets nine months off a year…perhaps you can put Randy on that plan?  Please?

The WWE recently returned from Mexico…it makes me long for the days of La Parka, Ciclope, and El Dandy.

Come on, I haven’t done anything horrible lately…why are you doing this to me?!?!

Vance Archer and Curt Hawkins vs. Two jobbers

Archer starts with the jobber who looks like a twelve-year-old.  Archer does one move before tagging out to Hawkins, who hits some super-basic offense, include a fantastic body slam.  Vance Archer looks like a young Al from Home Improvement (played by the fantastic Richard Karn).  Vance Archer actually does one cool thing when he two-hand choke throws the twelve-year-old jobber in what looks like a belly-to-belly.  Archer tries to hip toss the other jobber (who at least looks old enough to drink) into the ring, but the jobber gets a couple of kicks in before Archer knocks him back out of the ring.  Archer tags out and hits his crappy reverse DDT (the finishing move of former WWE great Skinner) and Hawkins hits an elbow drop to end this abortion.

Winners:  Vance Archer and Curt Hawkins

Rating:  

This match was terrible, the only thing that would be worse is if…

The two winners get the microphone.  Archer yells something incoherent and Curt Hawkins tries, and fails, to make me care.  I wanted more tag teams, but I could’ve done without this duo.

Because we’re short on talent tonight, we’re big on video packages, as we get a Big Show/Jack Swagger video package.  Again, it’s awesome that everyone stands three inches away from a guy who likes to punch people right in the face.  However, Big Show’s punch actually cured Swagger’s lisp!  Honest!

Now we’re back with our main event!  Come on, fellas’, the Golden Batarang award is still available!  Don’t make me give it to the Divas match!

Dolph Ziggler vs. Chris Masters

Chris Masters hair is very similar to Dick VanDyke’s.  Ziggler tries for a takedown early, but gets tossed and then shoulderblocked.  Ziggler uses his speed to take the upper hand with a series of kicks and punches.  He follows up with a headlock, but is quickly shoulderblocked again.  Ziggler tries to follow up with a Masterlock, so Ziggler squirms away while Matt Striker makes a tasteless Kent State joke.  Ziggler gets back in and puts the boots to Masters before Masters takes over with some basic offense, culminating in a biiiiiig back bodydrop that sends Ziggler from the ring.  Masters follows this with some commercials.

Domino’s puts people in danger by using electric road signs to get some idiot to try their stupid pizza.

Get a Kin, so you can tell all your friends things they really don’t care about!

I disagree, there are tons of things that are worse than a dead battery…what about those tiny fish (candiru fish) that swim up your penis and kill you?  Those are pretty terrible.

Buzz Aldrin has been interviewed by Ali G and is now going to be on RAW?  Man, that guy is hemorrhaging credibility.

We return from commercials to see Masters with an armlock applied.  He continues to wrench the arm until Ziggler elbows his way out.  Unfortunately, Masters is big and muscular, so he tosses Ziggler out of the ring.  Ziggler, however, hits a sweet leaping kick as Masters tries to follow him out.  Ziggler rolls back in the ring and Masters barely beats the ten count.  Ziggler goes to work on Masters, beating him down with kicks and then whooping on him in the corner.  He follows with the Mr. Perfect rolling neck snap.  He stays on the offensive by working the arm of Chris Masters.  Masters tries to hit a slam, but I think he botches it trying to sell the arm injury.  Ziggler gets up and hits a picture perfect dropkick before locking on a rear chinlock.  Masters rolls over, so Ziggler turns the hold into a leg scissors.  Masters escapes again so Ziggler hits a serious of punches.  Masters retreats to the corner and fights back as Ziggler tries to follow up.  Ziggler kicks away at Masters and then hits a FameAsser.  Ziggler locks on a camel clutch-type hold, but Masters gets up and hits Ziggler with an electric chair drop.  Masters takes control with a pair of clotheslines and a press slam after Ziggler misses what I think was supposed to be the Zig Zag.  Masters charges Ziggler, who rolls out of the way.  Masters hits a side slam, but can’t get the three count.  Masters posses and signals for the MasterLock.  Ziggler tries to retreat, but Masters grabs him.  Ziggler stuns Masters over the top rope and applies the sleeper.  Masters escapes and tries for the MasterLock again.  Ziggler uses his momentum to drive Masters into the turnbuckle.  He follows up with the Zig Zag for the win.

Winner: Dolph Ziggler

Rating: 

That match was pretty darned good.  I’ll even give Masters credit.  He botched one move, but was okay through the rest of the match.  I really think Ziggler should be in the IC match, but I’m no brilliant sports entertainment mind like Vince and Co.

Well, the awards are pretty easy to give out tonight…

The Golden Batarang Award: The main event

The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:  Everything else…seriously.

That was a pretty horrible show.  Hopefully, you skipped and just read that column…if not, I feel for you.

Have a “great” weekend, I’ll see you next Thursday!

 

 

SEND FEEDBACK TO  GREAT SCOTT.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).