“Great” Scott’s WWE Superstars Recap for May 6, 2010

Hello again folks, I apologize for the lateness of last week’s posting.  It was my grandmother’s 88^th birthday and I was out of town.  I got the recap done, but not edited.  However, you can read it (and you really should because it’s a knee slapper) right HERE.

Enough about the past, let’s get to the present, which is happening two hours late this week because of a stupid Cubs game.  I’m thinking that more people watch mediocre wrestling than terrible baseball…but, whatever.

Before we get started on tonight’s wrestling action, let me hit you with my weekly top ten list…

“Great” Scott’s Top Ten Things That Even He Wouldn’t Eat
Even Though He’s Pretty Much a Food Addict

The McRib.  It looks like the bottom of a work boot painted red.

A Monte Cristo.  Those sandwiches cause my heart to stop for a few seconds even when I just look at them.

Anything from Fazoli’s.  There are a lot of different types of food that can be made quickly…Italian isn’t one of them.

The Burger King Enormous Omelet Sandwich.  Dear God, just look at the damned thing.

McDonald’s McGriddle.  You’ll need a McGirdle after eating enough of them.

Fried Oreos.  They serve these at a local movie theatre.  Why would you want to mess with an Oreo.  The thing is perfectly fine the way it is.

Anything off the Taco Bell “Volcano” Menu.  Yes, there is a Volcano MENU.  Eating anything on it will cause your sphincter to erupt.

A Triple Whopper or Triple Stack from Wendy’s.  Sandwiches, to me, are all about balance.  Besides, I don’t want that much meat in my mouth….RIMSHOT!

Funions.  Seriously?  These are snacks only for stoned people who don’t realize they’re essentially eating onion-flavored air.

The KFC Double Down.  Sweet baby Jesus does that thing look disgusting.  Again, a sandwich, by its very definition, is served on bread.  This thing is a damned monstrosity.

There’s plenty of other stuff I could put on this list, but ten is such a nice, round number. 

Well, tonight’s main event is JTG vs. Shad.  They’re giving me a PPV match on Superstars?  Well, look at me!  What a lucky, lucky little boy I am!

Our opening match, however, is 50 times better than the main event…

Carlito (with the guy who’s going to cause him to lose) vs. Primo

I can’t stand the fact that these two aren’t still a tag team, especially since they’re both just jobbers now.  Michael Tarver looks like a poor man’s Mr. T.  Quick shoulderblock by Primo scares the Caribbean crap out of his brother.  Carlito gets back up, but Primo locks him right back into a headlock and roll up.  Primo tries a charge, and gets off a cool head scissors and dropkick before Carlito stops his momentum with a knee to the gut.  Carlito follows with a super-slow bodyslam and elbow drop.  Carlito clamps on a chinlock to the apathy of everyone.  If I were Carlito, I would’ve stopped giving a shit a long time ago.  Primo hits a cross body off the ropes, but Carlito boots him in the face to stop any potential momentum.  Primo returns to the offensive with a flurry of punches and kicks that he punctuates with a leg drop.  He follows up with a back elbow and a series of punches in the corner.  Primo tries to put the cherry on the sundae with a hiiiiigh cross body off the top rope, but misses.  Carlito sets up Primo for the Backstabber, but he…huh?  Wait, Carlito asks for the microphone.  He tells Primo…what the hell is this??!?  The WWE is reuniting the Colons!!  HELL TO THE YEAH!!  Finally, the WWE is doing something that’s SMART!!  The Colons vs. The Harts…HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE IT!!!??  IT’S ONLY NATURAL!!

Winner:  EVERY FAN OF TAG TEAM WRESTLING IN THE WORLD!

Rating: 

That match was pretty much bleh, but a Superstars match that actually begins a storyline!??!?  That’s unheard of!!  I’ve never used so many capital letters in one sentence!  Seriously, I’m pleased as punch that they’re putting these two back together, and as heels!  Fantastic!

After that match I’m totally spent…so they’re going to give me a match that’ll bring me crashing back down to Earth.

Chavo Guerrero vs. Chris Masters

This match is for the Sy Sperling Memorial Cup…which is filled with Rogaine.  Marv Albert and Howard Cossell should be calling this match.  Okay, enough bald jokes…

Chavo taunts Masters like he has a chance a hell of winning this match.  It is the day after Cinco de Mayo, so maybe he has a….uh oh, Chavo is almost snared in the MasterLock after he isn’t impressed by Masters’ dancing pecs.  We get dancing pecs again, and Chavo is punched senseless.  Chavo is press slammed back into the ring, but he attacks Masters coming back in and hits a nice dropkick to send Masters to the floor.  Chavo stays on the offensive with more kicks and some forearm shots.  He follows with a chinlockish-type move, but Masters escapes, only to be taken back down.  Chavo clamps on a side headlock that he turns into a rear chinlock.  Masters gets up and elbows out, so Chavo leaps on his back with a sleeper.  Masters, however, flattens him in the corner and follows with two clotheslines and a back bodydrop.  Chavo tries to come back, but Masters hits a backbreaker to a side slam which is perhaps the coolest thing I’ve ever seen him do.  Masters tries for the MasterLock again, but Chavo escapes and hits a nice leaping DDT.  Chavo does the Eddy swagger and hits his new move–the One Amigo–before Masters escapes and applies the MasterLock.  After about three seconds, Chavo passes out and losses again.

Winner:  Chris Masters

Rating: 

Aw, crap…we head to the back where a bunch of useless clones do dumb crap until Beth Phoenix shows up in all her awesomeness and prevents the segment from being a total waste.  Two funny things about that segment…one, Michelle McCool complains about how Kelly Kelly smells, which is super-ironic because McCool is from one of the poorest, trashiest towns in Florida (Palatka), which isn’t exactly the greatest state in the U.S. to begin with.  Second, whatever it is Vicki is supposed to be rubbing in Kelly’s face (I think it’s powder), she’s holding about a foot from Kelly’s face.  She is seriously 250 pounds of wasted human organs.  If everyone in the “WWE Universe” donated a dollar, could we give her the proceeds and keep her off WWE programming?  Seriously?  She is the parsley of wrestling.

Hey, some more good news for me…

Beth Phoenix vs. Rosa Mendes

Well, now that Mickie James and Katie Lea Burchill are gone, Beth is my new favorite diva, with Gail Kim a close second.

Hey, Zack Ryder can’t come out to support his woman?  Douchebag! 

Rosa gives us a rudimentary Spanish lesson before thumping Beth with the microphone and slapping her in the face.  Beth then begins to beat the holy hell out of Rosa before something happens to Beth’s knee…I think it’s a legit injury.  Rosa stands still for a solid minute or so before she charges so Beth can roll her up for a quick win.

Winner: Beth Phoenix

Rating: 

It’s not anyone’s fault, it just looked like Beth torqued her knee and they had to rush the ending.  Dear God, please don’t let Beth be hurt.  She’s one of two divas left that’s worth giving a belt.

I like the Capital One card commercial with the Vikings on the beach…it’s good to see Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds getting gainful employment.  And, yes, that actually is him.

Next, we’re treated to the RAW Rebound.  What do I learn from it?  Randy Orton is essentially an evil, lobotomized mime.  He just stares like a drooling idiot and overacts by pantomiming like he’s having a seizure.  Seriously, Beth hurts herself and we can’t have Randy accidentally….oh, I don’t know…get hit by an out of control garbage truck?  That’s going to be my birthday wish.  I hope it comes true like in Liar Liar.  They can make a movie of it called Douchebag Douchebag.  If you can’t tell, I really dislike Randy Orton.

Another RAW recap, as we see four morons stand six inches from a 500-pound guy who likes to punch people in the face.  I mean, come on…

Okay, we’re on to our PPV-quality main event.

JTG vs. Shad Gaspard

I’m sorta’ pleased that they two are broken up, because JTG is like Booker T, while Shad is pretty much the Stevie Ray.  Unfortunately, I don’t really like repackaged, long-haired JTG. 

JTG starts off strong, but Shad fights back.  Shad, however, whiffs on a big boot and crotches himself on the top rope.  This gives JTG the opportunity to dropkick Shad to the floor so we can go to commercials.

Godsmack has a single out called “Cryin’ Like a Bitch.”  And we wonder why other countries hate us.

When we return, Shad has the advantage over his former partner, hitting a boot to the face.  Shad follows the boot with a shot to the back and what looks like a reverse full nelson over his knee.  Interesting.  JTG punches his way out, but Shad flings him to the apron.  Shad hits a kick and a clothesline on a seated JTG.  JTG fights back a bit, but Shad manages to ensnare JTG in an abdominal stretch…you don’t see this move much anymore.  Finally, Shad gets sick of the hold and clobbers JTG with a clubbing blow.  Shad tries to reapply the move, and finally succeeds after punching JTG a few more times.  Shad finally becomes an official heel, as he grabs the top rope for leverage.  The ref distracts Shad long enough for JTG to hip toss his way out and hit some moves of his own, including a flippy elbow, a kneeling punch, and a nice dropkick to the back.  He follows up with the Mug Shot head slam off the ropes, but that can’t get the win.  Shad calls for time out and heads to the outside, but I don’t think the WWE has instituted that yet.  JTG rolls a retreating Shad back in the ring, where Shad regains control until JTG rolls over and knees his former partner in the nuts while he’s trying a standing splash.  JTG thinks he has things in hand, as he signals for the bulldog move thingie, but Shad holds on to the ropes.  JTG stumbles up and into Shad’s STO (now called Shad Takin’ Over…which you might’ve noticed that I TOTALLY F’ING CALLED LAST WEEK!!!!).

Winner:  Shad Gaspard

Rating: 

That match was okay...a little better than average.  I think both of these guys could use a little polish, but they both have some potential…Shad might even be worth a little more than I thought.  I guess time will tell.

Well, we’re at that point again…time for some awards!

The Golden Batarang Award:  The Colons are back together!!

The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:  The potential for Beth Phoenix to lose her belt after what looked to be a fluke injury.

Enjoy the rest of your Seis de Mayo, folks!  Adios from “Great” Scott!