“Great” Scott’s WWE
Superstars Recap for May 6, 2010
Hello again
folks, I apologize for the lateness of last week’s
posting. It
was my grandmother’s 88th birthday and I was
out of town.
I got the recap done, but not edited. However, you can
read it (and you really should because it’s a knee
slapper) right HERE.
Enough about the
past, let’s get to the present, which is happening two
hours late this week because of a stupid Cubs game. I’m thinking
that more people watch mediocre wrestling than terrible
baseball…but, whatever.
Before we get
started on tonight’s wrestling action, let me hit you
with my weekly top ten list…
“Great” Scott’s Top Ten
Things That Even He Wouldn’t Eat
Even Though He’s
Pretty Much a Food Addict
The
McRib. It looks like
the bottom of a work boot painted red.
A Monte Cristo. Those sandwiches
cause my heart to stop for a few seconds even when I
just look at them.
Anything from Fazoli’s. There are a lot
of different types of food that can be made
quickly…Italian isn’t one of them.
The Burger King Enormous
Omelet
McDonald’s McGriddle. You’ll need a
McGirdle after eating enough of them.
Fried Oreos. They serve these
at a local movie theatre. Why would you
want to mess with an Oreo. The thing is
perfectly fine the way it is.
Anything off the Taco
A Triple Whopper or Triple
Stack from Wendy’s. Sandwiches, to
me, are all about balance. Besides, I don’t
want that much meat in my mouth….RIMSHOT!
Funions. Seriously? These are snacks
only for stoned people who don’t realize they’re
essentially eating onion-flavored air.
The KFC Double Down. Sweet baby Jesus
does that thing look disgusting. Again, a
sandwich, by its very definition, is served on bread.
This thing is a damned monstrosity.
There’s plenty
of other stuff I could put on this list, but ten is such
a nice, round number.
Well, tonight’s
main event is JTG vs. Shad. They’re giving
me a PPV match on Superstars? Well, look at
me! What a
lucky, lucky little boy I am!
Our opening
match, however, is 50 times better than the main event…
Carlito (with the guy who’s
going to cause him to lose) vs. Primo
I can’t stand
the fact that these two aren’t still a tag team,
especially since they’re both just jobbers now. Michael Tarver
looks like a poor man’s Mr. T. Quick
shoulderblock by Primo scares the
Winner:
EVERY FAN OF TAG TEAM
WRESTLING IN THE WORLD!
Rating:
That match was
pretty much bleh, but a Superstars match that actually
begins a storyline!??!? That’s unheard
of!! I’ve
never used so many capital letters in one sentence! Seriously, I’m
pleased as punch that they’re putting these two back
together, and as heels!
Fantastic!
After
that match I’m totally spent…so they’re going to give me
a match that’ll bring me crashing back down to Earth.
Chavo Guerrero vs. Chris
Masters
This match is
for the Sy Sperling Memorial Cup…which is filled with
Rogaine.
Marv Albert and Howard Cossell should be calling
this match.
Okay, enough bald jokes…
Chavo taunts
Masters like he has a chance a hell of winning this
match. It
is the day
after Cinco de Mayo, so maybe he has a….uh oh, Chavo is
almost snared in the MasterLock after he isn’t impressed
by Masters’ dancing pecs. We get dancing
pecs again, and Chavo is punched senseless. Chavo is press
slammed back into the ring, but he attacks Masters
coming back in and hits a nice dropkick to send Masters
to the floor.
Chavo stays on the offensive with more kicks and
some forearm shots. He follows with
a chinlockish-type move, but Masters escapes, only to be
taken back down.
Chavo clamps on a side headlock that he turns
into a rear chinlock. Masters gets up
and elbows out, so Chavo leaps on his back with a
sleeper.
Masters, however, flattens him in the corner and
follows with two clotheslines and a back bodydrop. Chavo tries to
come back, but Masters hits a backbreaker to a side slam
which is perhaps the coolest thing I’ve ever seen him
do. Masters
tries for the MasterLock again, but Chavo escapes and
hits a nice leaping DDT. Chavo does the
Eddy swagger and hits his new move–the One Amigo–before
Masters escapes and applies the MasterLock. After about
three seconds, Chavo passes out and losses again.
Winner: Chris Masters
Rating:
Aw, crap…we head
to the back where a bunch of useless clones do dumb crap
until Beth Phoenix shows up in all her awesomeness and
prevents the segment from being a total waste. Two funny things
about that segment…one, Michelle McCool complains about
how Kelly Kelly smells, which is super-ironic because
McCool is from one of the poorest, trashiest towns in
Hey, some more
good news for me…
Beth Phoenix vs. Rosa Mendes
Well, now that
Mickie James and Katie Lea Burchill are gone, Beth is my
new favorite diva, with Gail Kim a close second.
Hey, Zack Ryder
can’t come out to support his woman? Douchebag!
Winner: Beth Phoenix
Rating:
It’s not
anyone’s fault, it just looked like Beth torqued her
knee and they had to rush the ending. Dear God, please
don’t let Beth be hurt. She’s one of two
divas left that’s worth giving a belt.
I
like the Capital One card commercial with the Vikings on
the beach…it’s good to see Ogre from Revenge of the
Nerds getting gainful employment. And, yes, that
actually is him.
Next, we’re
treated to the RAW Rebound. What do I learn
from it?
Randy Orton is essentially an evil, lobotomized
mime. He
just stares like a drooling idiot and overacts by
pantomiming like he’s having a seizure. Seriously, Beth
hurts herself and we can’t have Randy accidentally….oh,
I don’t know…get hit by an out of control garbage truck?
That’s going to be my birthday wish. I hope it comes
true like in Liar Liar. They can make a
movie of it called Douchebag Douchebag. If you can’t
tell, I really dislike Randy Orton.
Another RAW
recap, as we see four morons stand six inches from a
500-pound guy who likes to punch people in the face.
I mean, come on…
Okay, we’re on
to our PPV-quality main event.
JTG vs. Shad Gaspard
I’m sorta’
pleased that they two are broken up, because JTG is like
Booker T, while Shad is pretty much the Stevie Ray. Unfortunately, I
don’t really like repackaged, long-haired JTG.
JTG starts off
strong, but Shad fights back. Shad, however,
whiffs on a big boot and crotches himself on the top
rope. This
gives JTG the opportunity to dropkick Shad to the floor
so we can go to commercials.
Godsmack has a
single out called “Cryin’ Like a Bitch.” And we wonder
why other countries hate us.
When we return,
Shad has the advantage over his former partner, hitting
a boot to the face. Shad follows the
boot with a shot to the back and what looks like a
reverse full nelson over his knee.
Interesting. JTG punches his
way out, but Shad flings him to the apron. Shad hits a kick
and a clothesline on a seated JTG. JTG fights back
a bit, but Shad manages to ensnare JTG in an abdominal
stretch…you don’t see this move much anymore. Finally, Shad
gets sick of the hold and clobbers JTG with a clubbing
blow. Shad
tries to reapply the move, and finally succeeds after
punching JTG a few more times. Shad finally
becomes an official heel, as he grabs the top rope for
leverage.
The ref distracts Shad long enough for JTG to hip
toss his way out and hit some moves of his own,
including a flippy elbow, a kneeling punch, and a nice
dropkick to the back. He follows up
with the Mug Shot head slam off the ropes, but that
can’t get the win.
Shad calls for time out and heads to the outside,
but I don’t think the WWE has instituted that yet. JTG rolls a
retreating Shad back in the ring, where Shad regains
control until JTG rolls over and knees his former
partner in the nuts while he’s trying a standing splash.
JTG thinks he has things in hand, as he signals for the
bulldog move thingie, but Shad holds on to the ropes.
JTG stumbles up and into Shad’s STO (now called Shad
Takin’ Over…which you might’ve noticed that I TOTALLY
F’ING CALLED LAST WEEK!!!!).
Winner: Shad Gaspard
Rating:
That match was
okay...a little better than average. I think both of
these guys could use a little polish, but they both have
some potential…Shad might even be worth a little more
than I thought.
I guess time will tell.
Well, we’re at
that point again…time for some awards!
The Golden Batarang Award:
The Colons are back
together!!
The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award: The potential
for Beth Phoenix to lose her belt after what looked to
be a fluke injury.
Enjoy the rest of your Seis de Mayo, folks! Adios from “Great” Scott!
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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