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WWE Superstars Recap for April 29, 2010

 

Howdy, gang.  It's me, "Great" Scott, the only recapper who really isn't affected too much by the draft, which was pretty much ridiculous, by the way.  Let's put all of the talent on one show?  John Morrison and about five more really talented guys can essentially prepare to be buried.  Congratulations!

 

So, before we continue to tonight's show, I want to do this week's top ten list.  Again, I couldn't really think of anything insanely clever, so I'm going to give you all a little peak into my life.  I recently purchased an iPod touch and I'm loading my music on to it.  That task gave me the idea to do…

 

Top Ten Artists (by Number of Songs) in "Great" Scott's iPod

 

10. Tom Petty

9. Bloodhound Gang

8. Richard Cheese

7. The Beatles

6. Biz Markie

5. Crash Test Dummies

4. Bowling for Soup

3. Barenaked Ladies

2. They Might Be Giants

1. "Weird Al" Yankovic

 

So, now that you see my taste in music is perhaps the most ridiculous on Earth, let's get to this week's action.

 

Gail Kim vs. Jillian

 

Did I say we were getting to this week's "action?"  Sorry about that.

 

Anyway, a tieup leads to a wristlock by Gail Kim.  Jillian tolerates that for mere seconds before tossing Gail down by her hair.  Jillian tries a flipping leg drop, but misses, allowing Gail to go to work.  Unfortunately, Gail's momentum doesn't last long, as Jillian gets her knees up to block a Gail Kim spear.  Gail, however, doesn't quit, and she manages to hit a nice (for a diva) head scissors off the top rope.  Gail tries to follow by leaping onto Jillian's shoulders (to presumably go for a roll-forward pin), but Jillian stops that by hitting an electric chair drop.  Jillian goes for a pin, but fails to get the win.  Jillian slams Gail and gets boos from the crowd.  Jillian pops Gail with a couple of mounted punches and then locks on a rest hold.  Gail quickly escapes and goes to work with some sloppy offense.  Gail attempts to sell the back that Jillian had worked for about four seconds, but whatever.  Jillian continues to work the back, culminating with an Irish whip to the corner.  Jillian tries for two pins, but fails both times.  She decides to channel Randy Orton and clamps on a chinlock.  The match sorta' gets boring from here, as it takes the divas about a full minute to set up another head scissors spot.  Gail gains the advantage with a pair of clothesline, and a leaping clothesline in the corner.  Gail follows that with a flying bodypress, but Jillian rolls through.  Jillian sets up Gail in the corner for a screaming banshee splash and actually hits it, which is pretty amazing.  Jillian, however, presses her luck and misses on a corner spear.  Gail grabs Jillian by the arm, puts her foot in Jillian's face, and hits the Eat Defeat (or Eat Da' Feet) for the win.

 

Winner: Gail Kim

 

Rating:  

 

That match was okay, for a divas match.  It got a little slow in the middle, but picked up okay at the end.  This match, however, did make me sad that the WWE released Mickie James.  Now, the women's division rests on the bony shoulders of Michelle McCool….ugh.

 

Actually, Michael Cole reminds me that Eve Torres is also a women's champion…double ugh.

 

click to zoomNext, we get a recap of the draft.  The show is a little less interesting without ECW around to get totally raped.  RAW gets tons of talent and Smackdown gets useless one-trick ponies (Kelly Kelly, Big Show, Chavo, and Hornswoggle).  Oh yeah, and as is par for the course, ANOTHER tag team had to break up as a result of the draft.  Sigh.

 

Brief footnote, Santino was awesome on the draft show.  Anytime I get to see Santino play the air trombone, I am a happy man.

 

Also, take a drink anytime the moronic announcers say "the landscape has changed."  I don't know who Vince hired in his marketing department, but they're big fans of repetition.  We don't all have ADD, Vince.

 

Next, a Daniel Bryan video package.  Awesome how Bryan is more talented than 80 percent of the roster, but he has to "prove himself."  To who, main-eventers like Batista and Sheamus?  Sweet Jesus.

 

Zack Ryder vs. Primo

 

Rosa Mendes has been moved to Smackdown, but I guess that doesn't matter here in the black hole that is Superstars.

 

I forgot that Primo even had a job.  Now would be a nice time to reunite him with Carlito.  I can't understand what the WWE creative team has against tag teams.  With the Hart Dynasty as champs, they could really strengthen the tag team division.

 

After a quick shoving match, Ryder takes advantage, only to have Primo escape and go to town on him.  When I want to smell underutilized, I wear Primo Cologne.  A quick exchange sees Primo botch a spot on the apron, but he quickly recovers with a dropkick and armdrag takedown.  Ryder tries to regain control, but Primo sends him flying to the outside.  Primo fakes a dive, but then hits one of the sweetest flying bodypresses to the outside I've ever seen.  Primo rolls Ryder back in and goes for a cover, but doesn't get the pin.  Primo works Ryder in the corner, but the ref separates the two men, allowing Ryder to hit a kick and a suplex over the top rope.  Ryder punctuates the series by kneelifting Primo over the top rope.  Commercial time!

 

When we return, Ryder has a leg scissors locked on.  Rosa Mendes looks smoking hot on the outside of the ring, despite the fact that she dresses like Peg Bundy.  Man, Ryder has this hold locked in for a while.  Primo escapes and goes for a pin, but doesn't get the duke.  Ryder regains control with a flapjack and then continues to work over Primo.  After a baseball slide dropkick by Ryder, Rosa mocks Primo on the outside.  Ryder stays in control for a bit longer with a seated abdominal stretch.  Primo punches out, but is quickly sent to the corner by Ryder.  Zack tries a leg drop out of the corner, but misses.  Primo kicks Ryder away and then tries a series of pins that all fail.  He switches it up by hitting a flying elbow and a side Russian leg sweep, which he follows with a leg sweep-leg drop combo.  Ryder tries for a corner charge and Primo pops him one.  Primo goes to the second rope, but Rosa climbs on the apron.  This distracts Primo long enough for Ryder to sweep the leg ala Johnny in Karate Kid.  This sets up the Zack Attack, which gets the win for Ryder.

 

Winner:  Zack Ryder

 

Rating: 

 

That was a pretty good match.  Rosa Mendes is actually one of the better manager/arm candy performers in the WWE. 

 

Next, we're treated to a…screw this, I'm not typing a word about this crap.  I hate Batista, and I really dislike John Cena.  `Nuff said.

 

Another WWE drinking game…take a swig every time Sheamus says, "Fella(s)."  You'll be sloshed about 30 seconds into the interview.

 

The Hart Dynasty (with Natalya) vs. The Dudebusters (Seriously?)

 

Seriously, I thought the days of straight up jobbers was over.  These two knuckleheads make The Brooklyn Brawler look like Hulk Hogan.

 

The guy with Trent on his tights starts with Tyson Kidd.  The two go for some nice chain wrestling, with Kidd taking advantage with a top overhand wristlock.  Trent uses some heel tactics to take control and tag to Croft.  Really nice takedown by Baretta after another tag.  After some more nice back and forth, Kidd hits a spin kick and a low dropkick.  Finally, Kidd tags to Smith and Baretta hauls ass to tag to Croft, who gets abused by Smith.  Smith works the arm really well for a few minutes, before Croft tries to escape.  Unfortunately, the Dudebuster runs right into a powerslam.  Some trickery by the heels allows them to get the upper hand and send Smith the outside.  The bad buys take back the advantage as we head to commercials.

 

When we return, Dudebuster Trent has Smith in a side chinlock.  Smith gets to his feet and elbows out, but Baretta flips out of a suplex and belts Kidd.  This doesn't last long, however, as Smith makes a tag that allows Kidd to hit a sweet series of kicks and a pumphandle gut buster…wow.  Croft tries for a distraction, but Kidd kicks him away.  Trent, however, hits a sweet DDT on the apron, knocking Kidd for a loop.  Croft comes in and applies a rear chinlock.  Kidd gets to a vertical base, but Croft rams him into the heel corner.  These two guys actually don't look half bad.  I almost feel sorry about the jobber comment…almost.  Baretta hits a suplex and goes for a pin, but doesn't get the win.  Baretta hits a running elbow in the corner and tags to Croft, who hits a nice dropkick before going for a pin.  Croft wrenches Kidd's neck and prevents him from making a tag.  Croft hits a slam and tags Baretta, who hits a…err, nothing before taunting the crowd.  Baretta goes bonkers on Kidd in the corner, but botches a corner charge.  Both men are down and trying for a tag.  Both men succeed, but Smith goes to town with clotheslines, shoulderblocks, and a belly-to-belly toss.  Croft hits a jawbreaker on Smith, but can't follow up, as Smith locks on a delayed suplex.  Smith continues to pound on Croft, but Baretta saves his partner from a powerslam.  Natalya slaps Trent Baretta silly, then Smith launches Kidd on top of them.  The Hart Dynasty rolls Croft back in the ring.  They set him up and successfully hit the Hart Attack 2.0 for the win.  Great match!

 

Winner:  The Hart Dynasty

 

Rating: 

 

I reeeeeally hope someone from the WWE offices was watching this match.  Tag team wrestling can be successful if they'd stop throwing random crappy guys together (coughcoughMVPandMarkHenrycoughcough) and calling them a tag team.  These two teams show what tag team wrestling can be, and they're not even really great teams…just very good ones.  The Colons and Edge and Christian are still on the roster…it wouldn't take much to write them back together as teams.  They've fired most of the other good tag team wrestlers, but I'm sure FCW could produce a few decent teams.  I still think William Regal and that British guy from NXT would be a good team.  Nevertheless, look for the Hart Dynasty to break up within the next two months.

 

Sorry about that little rant…I'm sure you have better things to do.  So, before you head to the exits, let me hand out some awards.

 

The Golden Batarang Award:  The tag team match was great and nothing on the show was totally terrible.

 

The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:  I'm just going to give it to the recent rash of firings…I mean, you're keeping Mark Henry and getting rid of Shelton Benjamin?!?  Becaaaaaause?

 

That's it for me this week, kids.  Have a good weekend.  If you don't have anything better to do, Kick-Ass was a pretty good movie! 

 

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).