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WWE Superstars Recap for April 22, 2010

Hello, everyone.  It’s me, “Great” Scott, wasti….err, wisely spending my Thursday night watching WWE Superstars.  While a more accurate title would be Averagestars, that just doesn’t roll off the tongue, so we’ll stick with it the way it is.

Tonight, I’m going to give you a self-serving, non-wrestling-related top ten list.  Why?  Because this is my friggin’ recap and I can do whatever I please…and I couldn’t think of anything better.  Tonight, it’s…

Top Ten Relatively Minor Things That Piss Off “Great” Scott

   People who pronounce the word "pamphlet" as "PAMP-let."  That "PH" makes an "F" sound, knuckleheads.

   The phrase "It is what it is."  What the hell else would it be?  People who use this phrase as an answer to a question should be smacked.  If you asked me what the capital of Georgia is and I said, "The capital of Georgia is the capital of Georgia," that wouldn't be very helpful, would it?

   People who try to save the world through their Facebook status.  Seriously, stop quoting obscure authors, poets, and songs and trying to pass if off as life advice…seriously.

   People who text while spending time with other people.  It says volumes about the people you spend your time with.  Also, texting is the degeneration of communication.  Why talk when you can type gems like OMG, I M FOTFLOL!!!!!!!!!! CU 2niTe.  Sigh…

   People who try to talk down a fifty cent item down to a quarter at a garage sale.  I don't go to garage sales, that's important for me to say.  I've had three or four of them though, and it never ceases to amaze me.

   Angry drive-thru employees.  Seriously, you have the least mentally taxing job this side of a toll booth operator…why are you angry?

   People who don't pass in the passing lane.  Just because you're going the speed limit doesn't mean you should be in the leftmost lane…IT'S THE PASSING LANE!!

   Sports shows where fat bald guys talk about sports.  I'm fat and bald, and I talk about sports with my buddies all the time.  Sign me up, jackoffs!!

   Reality shows.  `Nuff said.

   These stupid gossip shows that have stories about how H-list celebrities are still famous.  You're the ones doing the stories, asswipes!

Man, that was refreshing.  Now, it's time to get on to our opening match!

(Repackaged) Shad Gaspard (with last name and leather straps) vs. Goldust

I’m thinking that bringing the leather straps out when fighting a guy whose gimmick is that he’s a crazy homo isn’t the best strategy…

Tieup to start.  It’s funny that Shad doesn’t look as big in normal tights.  Another tieup ends up with Shad hitting a massive shoulderblock that sends Goldust to the outside.  When Shad tries to follow up, Goldust hits a rising clothesline.  Goldust tries to follow up, but Shad pops him one.  Goldust doesn’t appreciate this, so he clotheslines Gaspard out of the ring.  Goldust tries a baseball slide, but Shad moves and shoves Goldust into the ring steps.  Shad taunts Goldust and then pummels him in the corner.  Goldust eventually punches his way out, but can’t hit a bodyslam.  Gaspard puts Goldust in a sitting position and then hits a seated clothesline.  He follows up by wrenching Goldust’s neck.  Goldie fights up, but Shad hammers him back down and applies a chinlock.  Goldust punches out again, and then hits an inverted atomic drop and a clothesline.  He follows that with a bulldog and a pin attempt.  When he doesn’t get the win, Goldust hits a few mounted punches in the corner before Gaspard shoves him off and hits a massive boot.  Gaspard continues to taunt Goldust, who manages a surprise small package that gets a two count.  Shad gets up and angrily tosses Goldust to the ring post.  He follows it up with an STO (Shad’s Takin’ Over…I’d like to trademark that) for the win.

Winner: Shad Gaspard

Rating: 

I’ll be generous.  It wasn’t great, but it was watchable.  Goldust actually sold his back injury throughout the match…which you don’t see much anymore. 

We’re treated to a RIVETING video package of the NXT rookies participating in an activity that sixth graders play at field day.  Perhaps next week they’ll participate in a potato sack race and fight in those inflatable sumo suits.  Seriously, if the guys aren’t interesting enough without these stupid games, WHY EVEN HAVE THEM ON THE SHOW?!?  Tyler Reks and Joe Hennig are still in FCW and they’re more talented than 90 percent of the clods on NXT….argggggh!

Tonight’s main event will see Carlito’s rookie cause him to lose to John Morrison…

Seriously, Scott Shoyer, way to cave to Domino’s peer pressure.  You should’ve told Domino’s to shove their pizza up their collective bung holes…you mindless sheep.

The WWE draft is on Monday….wheeeeeee!

Yoshi Tatsu vs. Zack Ryder

Hey!  We have a match that isn’t super-predictable!  That breaks Superstars' streak of rounds about 83 predictable matches in a row!  Rosa Mendes gets this match one Riddler right off the bat.

The two men tie up, with Ryder hitting a quick shoulderblock.  Tatsu gets up and we start over again.  Ryder uses a hammerlock and decides to taunt Tatsu, who kicks the crap out of Ryder.  Tatsu maintains control for a little bit, hitting some nice arm drags and locking in an armbar.  Tatsu continues to work the arm until Ryder gets to the ropes.  It looks like Ryder might get a move in, but Tatsu continues to hit moves like a hip toss, arm drag, and rolling arm bar.  Ryder finally manages to get a knee in, and avoids a kick.  Ryder rolls out of the ring and Tatsu tries to hit a baseball slide, but Ryder sends Yoshi to the security wall.  Didn’t Yoshi just watch the last match?!?  The baseball slide kick is the bad luck move of the night!!  Commercial time!

The commercials are boring, so I’m going to take this opportunity to say GO CELTICS! 

When we return, Ryder has a chinlock clamped on.  Ryder tries to get to his feet, but Ryder hits some clubbing shots and an STO-looking takedown.  Ryder returns to the chinlock, and then hits a leg drop.  Ryder continues to dominate by choking Tatsu on the middle rope.  While the ref is distracted, Rosa even gets a slap in.  Ryder makes it a chinlock trifecta, but whiffs on an elbow drop.  Yoshi tries to fight back, but Ryder hits his leg lariat to stop that shit(ake) cold.  Ryder sends Yoshi to the corner, but runs into a boot..but when Tatsu tries to charge, HE runs into a boot.  The two men fight back and forth until Tatsu sends Ryder to the corner.  Ryder hits some kicks until Ryder catches one, but Tatsu continues the offense.  He hits his double knee strike in the corner and the rolling kick in the face.  More back and forth, until Tatsu tries for a move off the ropes.  Ryder hits a punch and a neckbreaker, but can’t get the win.  Tatsu retaliates by kicking the daylights out of Ryder.  Tatsu goes to the top rope and finishes things off with a sky high spinning heel kick.

Winner:  Yoshi Tatsu

Rating: 

That was really good.  Both men did their jobs well, and the end wasn’t obvious from the beginning.  I feel bad that these two guys flounder in the lower mid-card while Kane, Sheamus, Randy Orton, Ted DiBiase, and Batista get to stay at the top.

After returning from commercials, we’re treated to an Edge video package.  Take a drink every time they use the word “Spear” in the video package.  Seriously, folks, Bill Goldberg had like a four-move repertoire and they didn’t sell the spear that much. 

Next, we make my decision for Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award a little easier, as we’re treated to a video package on the Cena-Batista feud.  I do, however, learn something from this video package.  Dave Batista can’t say more than four words at a time without pausing.  It must take massive brain power for him to stand up, breathe, and talk at the same time. 

They follow this up with another rundown of the PPV.  There are a couple of interesting matches in there, but the typical turds are stuck in there, too.  Man, they need to do one total fan service PPV…it would be nice.

Oh, it’s time for our main event, as we have…

Carlito (with Michael Tarver…I know this because the on-screen graphic says it) vs. John Morrison

If Carlito wasn’t mired in this stupid storyline where his rookie continues to cause him to lose, this would have the potential to be a really good match.

Another commercial for the draft.  I’ll bet anyone a large sum of money that one of the three existing tag teams (Hart Dynasty, ShowMiz, the two dorky guys from ECW) gets broken up.

Carlito gets the microphone, only to get interrupted by Morrison in the middle of a sentence.  Why start respecting Carlito now, huh?

Morrison pulls a Bret Hart and gives some kid his sunglasses.  What a great guy.

Carlito starts things off by telling his rookie to look but not touch during this match.  Yeah, I’m sure that’s going to work.  Match starts with a long tieup.  Clean break out of the corner.  Carlito hits a kick and a headlock takedown.  Morrison fights up and manages a monkey flip, a flapjack, and a standing moonsault that misses by a mile.  Carlito fights back, hitting some kicks and punches.  Morrison sends Carlito to the apron, but Carlito stuns his opponent, and then hits a sorta’ sloppy, sorta’ cool senton off the top rope after jumping up and then turning around on the top rope.  It looks like he was about a half inch away from falling.  Commercial time!

The BBC has a DVD set out on the Nazis…even the commercial creeps me out.  However, just calling the DVDs “The Nazis” makes it sound like it’s a sitcom starring Jerry Mathers.  Perhaps they should’ve called it “Leave it to Hitler.”  I’m full of clever ideas tonight.

When we return, Carlito is in the process of hitting a backbreaker.  He follows that up with a chinlock.  Morrison fights out and hits an armdrag and a dropkick.  He forearms Carlito and tries to hit a springboard kick, but Carlito kicks Morrison’s leg out of his leg and Morrison VIOLENTLY hits the mat.  That gave me a headache…damn.  Morrison tries to retaliate with some punches, but Carlito hits a big boot to the jaw of The Shaman of Sexy.  Carlito returns to his chinlock, and Morrison punches out again.  Morrison follows with a clothesline and leg lariat.  A sweet spot sees Carlito hit his low neckbreaker after escaping from a powerslam.  For the fourth time, Carlito tries to hit the Backstabber as hit opponent is three inches from the ropes.  Carlito cleverly turns it into a sunset flip, but Morrison escapes and kicks Carlito right in the face.  Morrison goes for Starship Pain, but Carlito moves.  Carlito hits a sweet spinebuster…and I’m about three moves behind.  This match has turned out to be…aww, crap, Tarver interferes again and Carlito gets kicked in the damn face…pardon my French, but fuck this.

Winner:  John Morrison

Rating: 

You know what?  I was going to give this match four stars until they pulled this crap again.  Where is this stupid storyline going?  Seriously, we get that Vince doesn’t want to elevate Carlito EVER, but come on. 

These awards are going to be easy to award tonight.

The Golden Batarang Award:  Yoshi Tatsu and Zack Ryder.  An honorable mention goes to the fact that there was no Ask a Divas Segment

The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:  Wellll, it was going to be the crappy Cena-Batista video package, but the 500th iteration of the “Carlito gets screwed” ending takes it at the last minute.  Congrats!

Well, time to watch a little basketball.  I hope all of you have a GREAT weekend.   

 

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).