Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

 

 

“Great” Scott’s WWE Superstars Recap for April 15, 2010

Hello people that are smart enough to not watch Superstars and just read my recap (or people that are so stupid that they do both).  “Great” Scott’s back and he’s thri…mildly irritated that he has to watch the WWE’s afterthought show, but I do it for you…I do it for you.  Before we get started, I know I have to do a top ten list.  This week, I couldn't think of a topical list, so I had to do some brainstorming.  After a good three minutes, I thought of…

Top Ten Matches That Should've Been on Mr. Perfect's DVD Instead of the Crap They Put on It (In No Particular Order)

   Mr. Perfect vs. Tito Santana (for the IC belt)

   Mr. Perfect vs. The Texas Tornado (to regain the IC belt)

   Mr. Perfect vs. Ric Flair (loser leaves WWF match)

   Mr. Perfect vs. Rick "The Model" Martel (It was an early RAW match; I have it on tape…great stuff)

   Rude's Brood vs. Roddy's Rowdies (from Survivor Series 1989)

   Curt Hennig vs. Chris Benoit (from WCW Monday Nitro…surprisingly good match)

   Hennig and Windham vs. Benoit and Malenko (for the WCW tag titles…even though Hennig and Windham were getting old, this two-out-of-three falls match was actually pretty good)

   Mr. Perfect and Randy Savage vs. Ric Flair and Razor Ramon (Survivor Series 1992)

   Mr. Perfect wins a 20-man battle royal on SNME (this match saw Tugboat turn on Hulk Hogan)

   Mr. Perfect vs. Terry Taylor (not the crappy on the DVD…there's one match from an early edition of RAW that I have on tape that's really good)

I’m instantly annoyed because our main event involves two over-pushed, under-talented mid-carders: MVP and Ted DiBiase, Jr.

For now, we’ll have to settling for another over-pushed guy, as our first match is…

Matt Hardy (with Rookie #1) vs. Carlito (with Rookie #2)

I’m going to go out on a limb and say that Carlito’s losing this one…

Hardy’s getting so chubby that he’s gone back to pants instead of tights.  Things start out in slo-mo, culminated in a botched leaping spot by Carlito.  Hardy follows up with a bulldog.  He goes for a Side Effect early, but Carlito arm DDTs him.  I didn’t realize that Hardy was hurt, but the announcers are selling it like Hardy should be dead.

Carlito continues to work the arm while his rookie shouts things I don’t listen to.  Hardy tries to punch back, but Carlito continues to work him over until the two men work the ssssslllllloooooowwwwwest low bridge I’ve ever seen.  Hardy hits a double axe handle, also at half speed, as we go to commercial.  I’m going to check my remote to make sure I didn’t accidentally hit the Slow button…

The remote's okay, so I guess it’s just Matt Hardy.  I’ve seen trees grow faster than Hardy’s moving so far.

Hulk Hogan’s doing Rent-a-Center commercials…I seriously don’t have enough time before work tomorrow morning to make all the jokes I could make.

Apparently, Golden Corral’s lunch buffet is “legendary.”  Ummmm…Big Foot is legendary and I wouldn’t want to be part of either of them.

The WWE draft is coming up soon.  I wonder what they're going to do now that they don't have ECW's roster to pillage.

We’re back, and Carlito’s working a rest hold because Hardy needs a break.  Carlito prevents a Hardy comeback with a nice dropkick.  Carlito follows it with more basic arm-focused offense.  Hardy tries to kick out, but Carlito sends him shoulder-first to the turnbuckle.  Man, Matt Striker, shut up about the arm; we f’ing get it!!  Hardy fights out, finally, and lands a sleeperhold drop that gets a two count.  Hardy ascends to the second rope, and hits his weak-ass elbow.  He follows with the Side Effect, that amazingly doesn’t get the win…for the 3,999 time.  Carlito escapes from the Twist of Fate, but bombs on the Backstabber.  Carlito’s rookie distracts the ref, but Hardy’s rookie yanks him off the apron, which distracts CARLITO…karma, thy name is WWE.  Carlito hits the Twist of Fat…err, Fate, and gets the win.

Wow, surprise.

Winner:  Matt Hardy

Rating: 

Carlito tried his best trying to carry that match, but he really couldn’t even pull it into the realm of mediocrity.  It was only a little better than bad.

Oh, Christ, I must’ve sinned this week, as I’m subject to another lousy Ask a Diva segment.  They’re asked about their favorite karaoke song, and Gail Kim sets Asians back 50 years by singing horribly, supporting the old stereotype about their singing prowess.  Katie Lea sings a song I’ve never heard of, but she looks super hot doing it.  Wow, I’ve written three whole sentences about that segment…shoot me.

Next, we’re treated to a CM Punk video package.  They’re already teasing breaking up the Straight Edge Society…way to push that angle.  I feel bad for The Artist Formerly Known as Festus.  He’s more talented than frickin’ Kane, but they can’t seem to find anything for him to do.

Dear God, more rookies…and another super-predictable match.  Jesus, why not have Razor Ramon vs. Iron Mike Sharpe or Doink vs. Barry Hardy?

Christian (with Rookie #3) vs. Chavo (sans rookie)

Tieup and some chain wrestling to start.  Christian’s rookie mocks Chavo while Jerry makes a Siamese twins joke that’s actually kinda’ funny.  Next, we’re treated to a couple of cool spots that see Chavo flying to the outside and Christian hitting a slick baseball slide.  Christian tries to follow with a dropkick off the ropes, but Chavo moves and takes to the offensive.  Chavo hits a rolling splash over the top rope and a European uppercut before working a rest hold.  He stays on the offense until he runs into a Christian punch.  Christian follows with a tornado DDT off the second rope.  The two men exchange punches, and the momentum swings back and forth until Christian goes through his patented offense (stand on back, slide out punch, missile dropkick).  Christian can’t finish things with a sunset flip, and Chavo takes control after escaping from another DDT.  Chavo goes for the Three Amigos, but Christian escapes with an inverted DDT.  He tries to follow with the Killswitch, but Chavo escapes and hits a Gory Bomb that…doesn’t get the pin.  Imagine that.  Chavo complains to the ref, but heads up for the frog splash.  Let me see if I can….yup, Christian gets the knees up and hits the Killswitch for the completely surprising win.

Winner:  Christian

Rating: 

This match wasn’t bad, but it was so damned predictable that I can’t say it was any better than average.

Oh boy, better than the Ask a Diva segment, we get to see the NXT rookies in a talk-off or some damn thing.  In our third surprise of the night, none of these useless-sack-of-crap rookies can put together a compelling sentence…but the British guy wins because they’re in the United Kingdom.  Sigh.

In case you’re a first time reader, don’t buy a Sleep Number bed…they suck.

Man, this show keeps getting better and better, as we’re treated to a Randy Orton video package.  I was on the WWE Web site the other day and apparently, Randy Orton has a “lobotomy” shirt out.  Man, if anything could be more appropriate…since the guy constantly looks like he was just on the receiving end of just such a procedure.

Because I’m already in the fifth circle of hell, we get ANOTHER Randy Orton-heavy video package, this one with a little Batista peppered in to make me a little more nauseous.  Fifteen guys interfered in their match…or maybe it just felt that way.

This leads into a commercial for Extreme Rules.  I think many guys have to prove themselves at this PPV.  I don’t want to watch it, but I’ll be interested in seeing the results for free afterward.

Oh, goody goody gumdrop, we’re on to our main event…

Hey, Michael Cole says DiBiase is the “fortunate son!”  Isn’t that the name of the team Joe Hennig is on in FCW?  I don’t, for the life of me, understand why Joe Hennig hasn’t been called up to the WWE yet.  Pisses me off to no end.

Ted DiBiase, Jr. (with Million Dollar Belt) vs. MVP (with $7.00 bling)

Let’s see…I’m going to go out on yet ANOTHER limb and say that DiBiase wins this one. 

Oh boy, Ted’s got the mic.  He says that he’s nothing like his father…which is actually true.  Junior doesn’t have half the talent or five percent of the charisma of his father.  He tries to get cheap heat by saying how rich he is.  His dad used to pull this off so much better.  Mercifully, someone manages to start MVP’s music.  Never thought I’d be glad to see him.  Unfortunately, MVP has a mic, too.  However, he doesn’t totally stink it up like Ted does.  As a matter of fact, he actually makes me laugh.  Now, if you could only tighten up your skill set there, chief, I might like you again.

A quick tieup leads to a side headlock by MVP.  After a quick criss-cross, MVP punches DiBiase right in the mouth.  Ted retreats, but MVP stays on the attack.  I love how Cole is such an ass-kissing face on this show, but he’s such an angry heel on NXT.  MVP stays on the offensive until DiBiase yanks him off the second rope and sends him to the outside.  MVP calls time out, so we’re going to see some commercials.

Upon our return, DiBiase has a chinlock clamped on.  He follows this with a boringly slow kick and an equally slow punch.  This is followed by a slo-mo missed-punch-to-back-body-drop spot that makes me die a little inside.  Ted redeems himself a bit by hitting his dad’s falling fist drops.  MVP fights out of a chinlock only to get nailed by a clothesline.  DiBiase jaws with the ref, hits a kick, and then chokes MVP over the second rope.  MVP fights back with a series of punches, a lift and slam, and a HHH knee drop.  He sets up the Ballin’ Elbow and actually connects, but DiBiase rolls to the apron.  Since Virgil isn’t around to help him, he has to stun MVP over the top rope.  DiBiase tries to follow up, but MVP hits his horrible belly-to-belly throw.  Something happens while I’m typing, and MVP walks into Dream Street, which gets DiBiase the win.

Winner:  Ted DiBiase

Rating: 

Another slow, predictable match.  Ray Charles could’ve seen that ending coming.

Now comes one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do…give an award to something in that mediocre mess.

The Golden Batarang Award:  I’d rather save this for a rainy day, but I’ll give it to MVP’s pre-match smack talk.

The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:  Ummm…wow, I could give this to pretty much everything.  However, back-to-back Randy Orton video packages take the cake, if the cake is made out of turds.

Well, that show essentially sucked the life right out me.  I’m going to bed…for a month.  On a positive note, next week’s show can’t possibly be as bad as that one…could it?

Cue menacing music…

 

 

SEND FEEDBACK TO  GREAT SCOTT.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).