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“Great” Scott’s WWE Superstars Recap for April 8, 2010

Okay, okay, this is the SECOND time I’ve lapsed on my recaps, but I just returned from Boston (which is THE GREATEST CITY IN THE U-S-of-A) and I just haven’t had the time.  Now that I’ve returned from that trip, my time has freed up quite a bit, so I’ll be keeping my eye on the prize…if the prize is mediocre wrestling and a bunch of video packages for better shows.

Before I continue, I have to post a picture of me from Boston.  It’s me in my hotel room.  Our ice bucket looked like Undertaker’s urn, so I just had to do it…

Before I get to this week’s sure-to-be-wonderful show, I’m going to give you a top ten list that is super topical, based on my awesome trip to Boston

Top Ten Things I Learned in Boston

         John Hancock liked his hatter, Nathaniel Balch, so much that Hancock dictated his will to Balch as he was dying.

         One out of every four animals is a beetle.  Learned that one at the Natural History Museum at Harvard.

         Mother Goose is buried in Boston, along with Paul Revere and John Hancock.

         The Bunker Hill Monument has 249 steps and is a BITCH to climb.

         James Otis, a Bostonian patriot, was killed when he was struck in the head by lightning.

         Plymouth Rock is a shitty little rock the size of a car tire.

         Mr. Bartley’s Burger Cottage makes one of the best damn burgers you’ll ever have.

         The place where they used to hang people in Boston Common is now a kid’s playground.

         The U.S.S Constitution didn’t actually have iron sides…the wood was just so strong that cannonballs bounced off.

         There are 93 Dunkin’ Donuts in Boston.  It seemed like there were 5,093.

         If you go to Boston, you have to do a duck boat tour…awesome.

Now that I’ve provided you with some insight, let’s get to some…whatever the opposite of insight is.

Layla (with Two Useless Sacks of Crap) vs. Beth Phoenix

Let’s start with a riddle…How do you make me hate Michelle McCool even more?  You stick her with Vicki Guerrero!!  Wasn’t McCool just in a feud with Mickie James, who she claimed was FAT?!?  Sooooo, now she’s teaming with Vicki Guerrero?!?!  The hell!?! 

The two heels (well, actually three…even though Vicki doesn’t do much more than screech at the beginning) spend what feels like a week running down Beth Phoenix…saying she looks like a man.  Um…Michelle…look in the mirror much?

Layla doesn’t look amused that she’s fighting Beth, who chases Layla out of the ring immediately.  Layla continues to run away, but finally manages some kicks on a distracted Beth.  Beth finally has enough and hits a Polish hammer, a double-handed choke, and a crappy slam off the top rope.  Layla has a hot voice, but she is terrible in the ring.  Michelle tries to distract Beth, so Beth gives chase, then chases after Vicki, who falls down after taking two steps…awesome athleticism there, lard ass.  Layla kicks a distracted Beth, and then takes over.  Michelle helps a bit, but Beth ultimately hits a super-sloppy backbreaker and a Glam Slam to win and mercifully end this match.

Winner: Beth Phoenix

Rating:

After the match, the three crappy heel divas try to get the best of Beth Phoenix, but fail miserably.  The less said about this match, the better.

Next, we have a video package for NXT…which is essentially becoming the Divas contest, as the rookies have to compete in stupid challenges now.  Awesomely, Skip Sheffield wins the keg carrying competition, but the clock runs for like five seconds after he crosses the finish line.  Most of us know this crap is fixed, but at least try to make it look SORTA’ real…please?

The new Nightmare on Elm Street movie looks kinda’ cool.  Jackie Earle Haley is legitimately insane, I think.  I would love to have dinner with him and Crispin Glover…that would be wacky.

Evan Bourne and Yoshi Tatsu vs. Chavo Guerrero and Zack Ryder

I love matches with guys who usually lose, because someone HAS to win.  It’s safe to say that I like all four of these guys okay…so I’m thinking the match should be okay.  Watch Kane come out and choke slam all of them…

Tatsu and Ryder start things off.  Ryder quickly hits some kicks and punches, but Tatsu manages to lock on a crazy octopus hold and a crucifix, both of which he botches.  He decides that he’s had enough of messing up moves and tags to Evan Bourne, who comes in and quickly sends Ryder scurrying to tag to Chavo.  Chavo gets a move or two in before Ryder takes over.  The exchange culminates with Bourne hitting a FrankenBourner to send Chavo to the outside.  Bourne follows with his double knee press off the apron.  Zack Ryder tries to come over and help, but gets kneed in the jaw for his troubles.

I slept on a Sleep Number bed in my hotel in Boston…um, it sucked.  It’s really like a fancy inflatable mattress.  I can’t even imagine how much they try to charge you for the thing, but you could buy a rubber raft and get the same experience.  Trust me on this.

The waitress on the Golden Corral commercial is HOT.

We’re back, and Chavo has control for all of about 1.2 seconds before Bourne kicks back and hits a cool head scissors/bulldog-looking move.  Chavo hits a rolling kick and German suplex to regain control.  He tags to Ryder, who hits a neck breaker before locking on a rest hold.  Bourne tries to make a comeback, but Ryder hits the jumping leg lariat to put an end to that.  Ryder tags to Chavo and they hit some nice double team moves.  Ryder’s back in, and the two men take turns abusing Bourne.  Bourne finally escapes in a kick ass sequence that sees him knock Chavo out of the ring and Ryder off the top rope.  Bourne makes the tag and Tatsu goes to work, dominating both men.  Chavo blind tags in as Yoshi beats on Ryder.  Chavo actually hits the Three Amigos, but whiffs on the frog splash.  Ryder tries to interfere, but gets booted right back out.  Chavo gets caught in a leg lock by Tatsu and rolled across the ring to the face corner.  Tatsu tags to Bourne, who hits Air Bourne for the win.

Winners:  Evan Bourne and Yoshi Tatsu

Rating: 

Good match…especially for Evan Bourne.  A couple rough spots, but good effort all the way around.

Big Show, R-Truth, and The Bella Twins are going to be on Extreme Makeover: Home Edition.  Again, we know wrestling is fixed, BUT THOS TWO GUYS WERE JUST IN A FEUD!!!  I mean, you couldn’t find another face to go with R-Truth!??!  Slam Master Jay isn’t doing anything, is he?  I can understand why the Bella Twins went…they’re essentially useless otherwise.  I guess I can understand Big Show…but they should’ve sent Great Khali.  They wouldn’t have needed any ladders!

Domino’s is going to spend thousands of dollars to get one guy to try their pizza?  If I were that guy, I would said it tasted like shit…that would’ve been money well spent.

Next, we’re treated to a Jack Swagger video package.  I gotta’ say that I don’t hate the guy.  He’s got a decent move set; I get his character; they’re even tailoring his image to fit his gay “All American American” gimmick.  The lisp thing is hard to get past, though.  Maybe he should have his teeth shaved down a little more…I don’t know if I’m a fan of putting the strap on him.  Maybe the US or Intercontintal belt, but the world title?  We’ll see…

Next, we get a recap of the whole Cena/Bastista/David Otunga thing…um, yeah, whatever.  I care more about the gross national product of Sri Lanka than I care about this feud.

MVP vs. Carlito

Another match with two guys who are totally underused.  The difference here is, one guy sorta’ deserves it.  MVP gets his entrance, and we’re sent to commercials so we can ponder just how awesome he is.

When we return, Carlito makes his way out with his rookie…Useless McCrapersteen…or something like that.  I wonder how long it’ll be before the rookie accidentally pops Carlito so MVP can win.

MVP chant to start…which proves that the crowd is utterly retarded.  MVP takes control with an arm wrench, but Carlito punches out.  A spot that could’ve been botched sees MVP clothesline Carlito, who stands in one spot for about three minutes.  MVP continues to work on the arm while the crowd continues to chant “MVP.”  I’m amazed by their spelling ability.  A biiiiiig back body drop gets a two count for MVP.  MVP returns to work on the arm of Carlito.  Michael Cole mentions how MVP is working on the injured left arm of Carlio...while Carlito has his ENTIRE RIGHT ARM TAPED.  Awesome.

Carlito takes control for about six seconds before MVP sends him packing.  MVP follows with a baseball slide dropkick and takes the fight to Carlito outside.  Carlito’s rookie, Nobody McRandomguy, distracts MVP, but the commercials take us away from this EPIC ENCOUNTER…bummer.

Get a Bowflex for $10 a month…for the next 88 years.  Gotta’ read the fine print.

Hot Tub Time Machine was a VERY good movie.  The last 15 minutes are CLASSIC.  Plus, any movie with Johnny from The Karate Kid is gonna’ ROCK!

I have to admit, the Burger King commercial where The King steals the plan for the Egg McMuffin from McDonald’s is pretty ballsy…

We’re back, and Carlito has a chinlock clamped on.  He follows it with a neck breaker and a leg drop.  Next, he locks on a seated sleeper, but MVP fights his way up and hits a… FISHERMAN’S SUPLEX?!?!  HOW DARE YOU!! That’s Mr. Perfect’s move, you miserable blasphemer!!  MVP goes for the running kick, but Carlito moves.  He hits a couple of arrogant punches before getting caught with an insanely weak-looking belly to belly throw by MVP.  MVP dodges some punches and hits a few of his own before planting Carlito and hitting a clothesline and some cross chops.  MVP makes me puke in my mouth a little by hitting the Ballin’ Elbow.  He tries to finish off Carlito with the Playmaker, but Carlito dodges.  Carlito tries the Backstabber, but MVP holds on to the ropes.  The two go back and forth, with MVP hitting a boot on a leaping Carlito; Carlito,  however, kicks out of a pin and hits a jaw breaker.  MVP goes off the ropes, and Carlito’s idiotic rookie trips him up, which causes Carlito to miss on a dropkick.  Apparently, that’s enough to stun Carlito long enough for MVP to hit the Playmaker for the win.  Lovely...so not predictable.

Winner: MVP

Rating: 

Totally average match.  It got sort of better at the end, but the totally predictable ending kinda’ ruined it.  That rookie guy strikes me as pretty useless. 

It wouldn’t be a “Great” Scott recap without some awards, so let me pass them out.

The Golden Batarang Award:  The tag match was pretty good.  Evan Bourne especially deserves kudos.

The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:  Three-way tie between the three heel divas.  In order of suckiness (from most to least sucky) Vicki Guerrero, Michelle McCool, and Layla.  Special kudos to Vicki…it takes a LOT of effort to suck more than Michelle McCool.

That’s all for this week…look for me to be more loyal to this recap now that I’ve returned from the very wonderful city of Boston.  I highly recommend it.  If any of you go and would like some recommendations for “GREAT” things to do…drop me a line.

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).