“Great” Scott’s WWE
Superstars Recap for April 8, 2010
Okay,
okay, this is the SECOND time I’ve lapsed on my recaps,
but I just returned from
Before I continue, I have to
post a picture of me from
Before I get to this week’s
sure-to-be-wonderful show, I’m going to give you a top
ten list that is super topical, based on my awesome trip
to
Top Ten Things I Learned in
· One out of every four animals is a beetle. Learned that one at the Natural History Museum at Harvard.
· Mother Goose is buried in Boston, along with Paul Revere and John Hancock.
· The Bunker Hill Monument has 249 steps and is a BITCH to climb.
· James Otis, a Bostonian patriot, was killed when he was struck in the head by lightning.
· Plymouth Rock is a shitty little rock the size of a car tire.
· Mr. Bartley’s Burger Cottage makes one of the best damn burgers you’ll ever have.
· The place where they used to hang people in Boston Common is now a kid’s playground.
· The U.S.S Constitution didn’t actually have iron sides…the wood was just so strong that cannonballs bounced off.
· There are 93 Dunkin’ Donuts in Boston. It seemed like there were 5,093.
· If you go to Boston, you have to do a duck boat tour…awesome.
Now that I’ve provided you with some insight, let’s get to some…whatever the opposite of insight is.
Layla (with Two Useless Sacks
of Crap) vs. Beth Phoenix
Let’s start with
a riddle…How do you make me hate Michelle McCool even
more? You
stick her with Vicki Guerrero!! Wasn’t McCool
just in a feud with Mickie James, who she claimed was
FAT?!?
Sooooo, now she’s teaming with Vicki Guerrero?!?!
The hell!?!
The two heels
(well, actually three…even though Vicki doesn’t do much
more than screech at the beginning) spend what feels
like a week running down Beth Phoenix…saying she looks
like a man.
Um…Michelle…look in the mirror much?
Layla doesn’t
look amused that she’s fighting Beth, who chases Layla
out of the ring immediately. Layla continues
to run away, but finally manages some kicks on a
distracted Beth.
Beth finally has enough and hits a Polish hammer,
a double-handed choke, and a crappy slam off the top
rope. Layla
has a hot voice, but she is terrible in the ring. Michelle tries
to distract Beth, so Beth gives chase, then chases after
Vicki, who falls down after taking two steps…awesome
athleticism there, lard ass. Layla kicks a
distracted Beth, and then takes over. Michelle helps a
bit, but Beth ultimately hits a super-sloppy backbreaker
and a Glam Slam to win and mercifully end this match.
Winner: Beth Phoenix
Rating:
After the match,
the three crappy heel divas try to get the best of Beth
Phoenix, but fail miserably. The less said
about this match, the better.
Next, we have a
video package for NXT…which is essentially becoming the
Divas contest, as the rookies have to compete in stupid
challenges now.
Awesomely, Skip Sheffield wins the keg carrying
competition, but the clock runs for like five seconds
after he crosses the finish line. Most of us know
this crap is fixed, but at least try to make it look
SORTA’ real…please?
The new
Nightmare on
Evan Bourne and Yoshi Tatsu
vs. Chavo Guerrero and Zack Ryder
I love matches
with guys who usually lose, because someone HAS to win.
It’s safe to say that I like all four of these guys
okay…so I’m thinking the match should be okay. Watch Kane come
out and choke slam all of them…
Tatsu and Ryder
start things off.
Ryder quickly hits some kicks and punches, but
Tatsu manages to lock on a crazy octopus hold and a
crucifix, both of which he botches. He decides that
he’s had enough of messing up moves and tags to Evan
Bourne, who comes in and quickly sends Ryder scurrying
to tag to Chavo.
Chavo gets a move or two in before Ryder takes
over. The
exchange culminates with Bourne hitting a FrankenBourner
to send Chavo to the outside. Bourne follows
with his double knee press off the apron. Zack Ryder tries
to come over and help, but gets kneed in the jaw for his
troubles.
I slept on a
Sleep Number bed in my hotel in
The waitress on
the Golden Corral commercial is HOT.
We’re back, and
Chavo has control for all of about 1.2 seconds before
Bourne kicks back and hits a cool head
scissors/bulldog-looking move. Chavo hits a
rolling kick and German suplex to regain control. He tags to
Ryder, who hits a neck breaker before locking on a rest
hold.
Bourne tries to make a comeback, but Ryder hits
the jumping leg lariat to put an end to that. Ryder tags to
Chavo and they hit some nice double team moves. Ryder’s back in,
and the two men take turns abusing Bourne. Bourne finally
escapes in a kick ass sequence that sees him knock Chavo
out of the ring and Ryder off the top rope. Bourne makes the
tag and Tatsu goes to work, dominating both men. Chavo blind tags
in as Yoshi beats on Ryder. Chavo actually
hits the Three Amigos, but whiffs on the frog splash.
Ryder tries to interfere, but gets booted right
back out.
Chavo gets caught in a leg lock by Tatsu and
rolled across the ring to the face corner. Tatsu tags to
Bourne, who hits Air Bourne for the win.
Winners: Evan Bourne and
Yoshi Tatsu
Rating:
Good
match…especially for Evan Bourne. A couple rough
spots, but good effort all the way around.
Big Show,
R-Truth, and The Bella Twins are going to be on Extreme
Makeover: Home Edition. Again, we know
wrestling is fixed, BUT THOS TWO GUYS WERE JUST IN A
FEUD!!! I
mean, you couldn’t find another face to go with
R-Truth!??!
Slam Master Jay isn’t doing anything, is he? I can understand
why the Bella Twins went…they’re essentially useless
otherwise.
I guess I can understand Big Show…but they
should’ve sent Great Khali. They wouldn’t
have needed any ladders!
Domino’s is
going to spend thousands of dollars to get one guy to
try their pizza?
If I were that guy, I would said it tasted like
shit…that would’ve been money well spent.
Next, we’re
treated to a Jack Swagger video package. I gotta’ say
that I don’t hate the guy. He’s got a
decent move set; I get his character; they’re even
tailoring his image to fit his gay “All American
American” gimmick.
The lisp thing is hard to get past, though. Maybe he should
have his teeth shaved down a little more…I don’t know if
I’m a fan of putting the strap on him. Maybe the
Next, we get a
recap of the whole Cena/Bastista/David Otunga thing…um,
yeah, whatever.
I care more about the gross national product of
MVP vs. Carlito
Another match
with two guys who are totally underused. The difference
here is, one guy sorta’ deserves it. MVP gets his
entrance, and we’re sent to commercials so we can ponder
just how awesome he is.
When we return,
Carlito makes his way out with his rookie…Useless
McCrapersteen…or something like that. I wonder how
long it’ll be before the rookie accidentally pops
Carlito so MVP can win.
MVP chant to
start…which proves that the crowd is utterly retarded.
MVP takes control with an arm wrench, but Carlito
punches out.
A spot that could’ve been botched sees MVP
clothesline Carlito, who stands in one spot for about
three minutes.
MVP continues to work on the arm while the crowd
continues to chant “MVP.” I’m amazed by
their spelling ability. A biiiiiig back
body drop gets a two count for MVP. MVP returns to
work on the arm of Carlito. Michael Cole
mentions how MVP is working on the injured left arm of
Carlio...while Carlito has his ENTIRE RIGHT ARM TAPED.
Awesome.
Carlito
takes control for about six seconds before MVP sends him
packing.
MVP follows with a baseball slide dropkick and
takes the fight to Carlito outside. Carlito’s
rookie, Nobody McRandomguy, distracts MVP, but the
commercials take us away from this EPIC
ENCOUNTER…bummer.
Get a Bowflex
for $10 a month…for the next 88 years. Gotta’ read the
fine print.
Hot Tub Time
Machine was a VERY good movie. The last 15
minutes are CLASSIC. Plus, any movie
with Johnny from The Karate Kid is gonna’ ROCK!
I have to admit,
the Burger King commercial where The King steals the
plan for the Egg McMuffin from McDonald’s is pretty
ballsy…
We’re back, and
Carlito has a chinlock clamped on. He follows it
with a neck breaker and a leg drop. Next, he locks
on a seated sleeper, but MVP fights his way up and hits
a… FISHERMAN’S SUPLEX?!?! HOW DARE YOU!!
That’s Mr. Perfect’s move, you miserable blasphemer!!
MVP goes for the running kick, but Carlito moves.
He hits a couple of arrogant punches before getting
caught with an insanely weak-looking belly to belly
throw by MVP.
MVP dodges some punches and hits a few of his own before
planting Carlito and hitting a clothesline and some
cross chops.
MVP makes me puke in my mouth a little by hitting
the Ballin’ Elbow.
He tries to finish off Carlito with the
Playmaker, but Carlito dodges. Carlito tries
the Backstabber, but MVP holds on to the ropes. The two go back
and forth, with MVP hitting a boot on a leaping Carlito;
Carlito,
however, kicks out of a pin and hits a jaw
breaker.
MVP goes off the ropes, and Carlito’s idiotic
rookie trips him up, which causes Carlito to miss on a
dropkick.
Apparently, that’s enough to stun Carlito long
enough for MVP to hit the Playmaker for the win. Lovely...so not
predictable.
Winner:
MVP
Rating:
Totally average
match. It
got sort of better at the end, but the totally
predictable ending kinda’ ruined it. That rookie guy
strikes me as pretty useless.
It wouldn’t be a
“Great” Scott recap without some awards, so let me pass
them out.
The Golden Batarang Award: The tag match
was pretty good.
Evan Bourne especially deserves kudos.
The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award: Three-way tie between the
three heel divas.
In order of suckiness (from most to least sucky)
Vicki Guerrero, Michelle McCool, and Layla. Special kudos to
Vicki…it takes a LOT of effort to suck more than
Michelle McCool.
That’s all for
this week…look for me to be more loyal to this recap now
that I’ve returned from the very wonderful city of
Boston. I
highly recommend it. If any of you go
and would like some recommendations for “GREAT” things
to do…drop me a line.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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