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WWE Superstars Recap for March 11, 2010

 

Okay, it’s been a while…too long, in fact.  While I would like to say that I've been spelunking in Borneo or hunting lions in Africa, I’ve just really been swamped planning a trip to Boston and putting my house up for sale.  I know these are pitiful excuses, so I promise that I’ll do a super-good job tonight to make up for my dereliction of duty these last few weeks.

Before we continue, I’m going to split your collective sides with another one of my clever top ten lists.  This week, it’s…

Top Ten Guys I Would Take From The WWE To Start My Own Federation

(In No Particular Order)

   Dolph Ziggler

   Carlito

   Evan Bourne

   CM Punk

   John Morrison

   Kofi Kingston

   Chris Jericho

   Finlay

   William Regal

   Shelton Benjamin

 

If I could steal five more…

   Edge

   Christian

   Santino Marella

   Primo

   Charlie Haas (Who is now jobless anyway…)

 

If I could steal four divas…

   Mickie James

   Maryse

   Gail Kim

   Beth Phoenix

 

The ten superstars I would take is actually a pretty tough list…there are a few others I would put in to round it out to twenty…but those would be hard choices.  I would probably include JTG, Tyson Kidd, Jack Swagger, Drew McIntyre, and Yoshi Tatsu…but there are a few others that I would seriously have to consider.

 

Anyway, enough with my rambling…let's get to the festivities!!


Dolph Ziggler vs. Shelton Benjamin

 

Okay, this match stars two of my top ten WWE guys right now.  They’re also both insanely underutilized.  We all know that Benjamin is capable of performing well in big matches…hopefully Ziggler can do the same.

Ziggler gets the advantage quickly with a series of kicks and punches.  He follows with an Irish whip that’s reversed, but he manages to slap on a sleeper.  Benjamin quickly escapes, but Ziggler comes back with a low dropkick and a FameAsser.  Ziggler decides to forgo tradition, skip his three quick elbows, and go straight to his crazy Lex Luger jumping elbow.  Unfortunately, he doesn’t get the pin.  Ziggler clamps on a chinlock, but Benjamin escapes. A crazy sequence of moves follows, with Benjamin getting the upper hand.  Benjamin props Ziggler on the top rope, but Ziggler fights out, only to have both men botch whatever was supposed to happen next.  Ziggler hits the Zig Zag…but BENJAMIN KICKS OUT!!  Holy macaroni!!  Ziggler looks like someone just killed his dog in front of him.  Ziggler gets pissed and…clamps on another sleeper hold!?!?  Okaaaaaay.  And Benjamin…whadaafugl?!?  Dolph Ziggler just won a match with a sleeper hold.  Holllllllllly shit.

Winner:  Dolph Ziggler

Rating: 

That match had the potential to be a five-star contest…up until the botched move off the top rope.  After that, everything seemed to fall apart like Tiger Woods’ marriage.  I will, however, round up to three Frank Gorshins because Dolph Ziggler won with a frickin’ sleeper hold.

Video package for Michaels vs. Undertaker.  Career vs. Streak, huh?  Let’s see…Michaels is putting up a stellar career with victories against Ric Flair, Bret Hart, Hulk Hogan, Razor Ramon, and Mr. Perfect and Undertaker is putting up his streak of great WrestleMania victories against guys like Mark Henry, King Kong Bundy, Jimmy Snuka, and Giant Gonzales…hmmm, that seems pretty even.

Because we had two awesome guys in the first match, it’s time to crush any momentum we might’ve had with…

Mike Knox vs. Goldust

 

Well, like I’ve mentioned with the few fodder matches they've had like this on Superstars…there’s upshot in this match in that someone has to win.  Neither of these two guys is on my “HATE” list, but I wouldn’t pick either of these guys on my WWE Dream Team, either.  A tie up starts things off.  Knox instantly goes to town on Goldust, who tries to fight back only to get DROPKICKED BY MIKE KNOX.  Sweet Jesus, there’s been some crazy shit so far on this program.  Goldust empties his arsenal on Knox, but it doesn’t get the job done.  Goldust gets Knox in the corner and starts whaling on him, but Knox tosses him.  Knox runs right into the low powerslam by Goldust.  Knox finally comes back with his crazy cross bodyblock, but he doesn’t get the pin.  Knox tries to hit a powerslam, but Goldust wiggles out and hits the Final Cut suplex/neckbreaker for the win!!  Man, does Mike Knox blow goats.  He couldn’t beat an egg with a whisk.

Winner: Goldust

Rating: 

That match was pretty short, but it was good for what it was.  Hopefully, it’ll help push Goldust towards…something other than sucking every week.

We get a recap of some WWE NXT stuff…which I really have been trying to watch.  Some of those guys are generic and terrible.  The guy with CM Punk and the guy with R Truth are ridiculously generic and neither of them are very good.  The British guy with Jericho and the guy who apparently has been wrestling longer than The Miz are both decent.  The guy with Matt Hardy isn't bad, either.  I don't like how much face time the current wrestlers get, but it's Vince McMahon, so he's certainly not going to let them shine without his help (See: Drew McIntyre).  All in all, it isn't horrible, but it's really not making me want to jump up and down and spit nickels, either.

Technically, it should be "Five-Hour Energy"…good technical writing says that you should write out numbers from zero to nine.  I’m just sayin’.

Hulk Hogan on Rent-a-Center commercials?  Awesome.

We’re treated to Goldberg vs. Lesnar in the WrestleMania rewind.  I purchased that PPV and remember that the crowd took a big fat crapolla on that match.  It didn’t help that both guys were leaving and neither of them even tried to give a shit. 

Now let’s return things to awesome with…

Santino Marella vs. Zack Ryder

 

Dude, Santino must be the worst wrestler ever to command not one but TWO shirts.  I really hope they’ll let him win this one…sweet Jesus.

Santino looks baffled by Ryder. The crowd goes bonkers when Santino offers to throw his shirt.  Some hijinx right out of the gate lead to a Santino headlock takedown.  Ryder gets out and hits a takeover and some "Woo woo woos" of his own.  Santino hits an armdrag and a bodyslam, but can’t connect on a monkey flip.  Ryder fights back with a clothesline and neckbreaker.  He keeps the advantage with a chinlock.  Santino fights up and takes Ryder over.  Ryder, however, hits a cross chop and mocks Santino.  Santino joins the ranks of Samoans (Rakishi and Umaga) and retards (Eugene and Hacksaw Jim Duggan) by pumping up as Ryder slams his head to the turnbuckles.  Santino goes through his motions and ACTUALLY HITS THE COBRA PUNCH!!!  Unfortunately, Rosa doesn’t understand the epic-ness of this event, because she leaps to the apron and distracts the ref.  With Santino distracted, Ryder pulls Santino’s neck over the top rope, hits the leg lariat, and finishes things off with the Zack Attack.

Winner:  Zack Ryder

Rating: 

That match was good all the way around.  Plus, Santino finally hit the deadly cobra punch!!  Since I’m a realist and never expect Santino to win a match, what more can I ask for?

The main event tonight is nowhere near as good the first match of the night, as we’re going to see a guy who just lost to a talentless rookie (Carlito) and a guy who continuously loses to midgets and RAW guest hosts (Chavo) take on Christian and MVP, who I’m liking less every day.

Batista’s new gimmick is that of a big, apathetic, selfish douchebag?  Huh.

Next, we’re treated to a video package for Cena vs. Batista.  Batista’s mad because he’s not in movies like Cena?  Batista probably wasn’t in 12 Rounds because he couldn’t count that high without taking his boots off.  I would’ve, however, like to have seen ol’ Dave in The Marine 2.  I would’ve definitely rented that. If anyone in the WWE is LESS charismatic than Ted Jr., Dave might give him a run for his money.

CM Punk still isn’t going to WrestleMania?  The hell?!?  It’s not to late to book McIntyre vs. Punk…that would at least be entertaining…more so than HHH vs. Sheamus.

Wellll…it’s on to our “main event.”

MVP and Christian (with his goofball NXT rookie) vs. Carlito (with his rookie) and Chavo Guerrero

People tell me that I, too, am "cocky like a tiel."  I think MVP's song should say that he's "sucky like a tache.  Get it…like succotash?  I’ll be here all week…try the veal!  Don’t forget to tip your waiters and waitresses…hardest working people in show business.

Hot Tub Time Machine looks bizarrely good…I have a feeling that it’s going to be REALLY good or REALLY bad…but nowhere in between.

If I got on the Dr. Scholl’s machine, it would say “One at a time please…”  Sucks to be me.

Oh yeah, it should say “Only four calories” on the energy drink container.

Chavo Guerrero should’ve gotten a rookie…and the poor bastard could’ve learned how to learn to midgets, women, and geriatrics.

Okay, enough of the random comments, let's get to the action. 

Chavo and MVP start things off with some decent chain wrestling that culminates in a flying forearm-looking thing by MVP.  MVP tags to Christian, so Chavo tags to Carlito.  Carlito gets in a quick kick to the midsection, but Christian takes control with a dropkick.  Carlito swings the pendulum back his way with a knee to Christian’s gut.  He follows this by sending Christian to the outside.  This allows us to take a commercial break.

When we return, Carlito still has control.  Christian fights up with a series of punches, but Carlito hits his leaping reverse elbow off the second rope.  Carlito follows with a slam, but can’t follow up.  Christian tags to MVP who hits his typical weak moves (the belly-to-belly suplex during which he doesn't touch his opponent).  He also pops Chavo for good measure.  MVP goes for the Ballin’ Elbow, but Chavo pulls his partner to safety…but not for long, as MVP hits a dropkick on both of them.  Some chicanery follows, allowing Carlito to regain control.  Carlito tags to Chavo, who rolls in with a senton and hits a European uppercut.  This match is boring me.  At least the dorky red-headed rookie guy is having fun.  He could be the third Dynamic Dude!!  Where’s Shane Douglas when you need him?  The heels continue to dominate, with Carlito and Chavo putting the boots to MVP with Tarver (the rookie for the heels) looking on.  MVP fights back with some punches and a faceplant slam.  MVP and Carlito both tag out, allowing Christian to beat the tar out of Chavo.  Christian hits a sunset flip off the second rope, and then hits his flying uppercut.  Chavo continues to beat up both men, but Chavo reverses the second sunset flip and hits two of the three amigos before Christian blocks and hits a reverse DDT.  Michael Cole calls a brainbuster a Gory Bomb like a complete tool idiot…and while that’s happening, Chavo misses his frog splash, allowing Christian to hit the Kill Switch for the win.

Winners:  Christian and MVP

Rating:   

That match was just okay.  I don’t know…it never seemed to pick up more than a mediocre pace.  Nothing I haven’t seen 15 times before.

After the match, Christian and MVP act all masculine because they’re both in the MITB Ladder Match…like MVP stands a snowball’s chance in hell of winning that thing…hell, that stupid-looking rookie guy has a better chance than MVP, I’m thinking.

Well, that was a bumpy ride..from good to bad to mediocre!  Giving awards might not be so easy tonight, but I’m going to give it the old college try.

The Golden Batarang Award:  It’s a three-way tie between Dolph Ziggler’s sleeper, Mike Knox’s dropkick, and Santino’s cobra punch actually connecting.

The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award: Michael Cole calling a brainbuster a Gory Bomb.  Seriously?

Well, that’s it for me this week…I hope you can forgive me for neglecting you all, but I can guarantee that I won’t do it again…for at least a few more weeks.  "Great" Scott…out!

 

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).