WWE Superstars Recap for March 11, 2010
Okay, it’s been a while…too long, in fact. While I would
like to say that I've been spelunking in Borneo or
hunting lions in Africa, I’ve just really been swamped
planning a trip to
Before we continue, I’m going to split your collective
sides with another one of my clever top ten lists. This week, it’s…
Top Ten Guys I Would Take From The WWE To
Start My Own Federation
(In No Particular Order)
· Dolph
Ziggler
·
Carlito
·
Evan Bourne
·
CM Punk
·
John
Morrison
·
Kofi
Kingston
·
Chris
Jericho
·
Finlay
·
William
Regal
·
If I could steal five more…
·
Edge
·
Christian
·
Santino
Marella
·
Primo
·
Charlie Haas
(Who is now jobless anyway…)
If I could steal four divas…
·
Mickie James
·
Maryse
·
Gail Kim
·
Beth Phoenix
The ten
superstars I would take is actually a pretty tough
list…there are a few others I would put in to round it
out to twenty…but those would be hard choices. I would probably
include JTG, Tyson Kidd, Jack Swagger, Drew McIntyre,
and Yoshi Tatsu…but there are a few others that I would
seriously have to consider.
Anyway, enough with my rambling…let's get to the
festivities!!
Dolph Ziggler vs.
Okay, this match stars two of my top ten WWE guys right
now.
They’re also both insanely underutilized. We all know that
Benjamin is capable of performing well in big
matches…hopefully Ziggler can do the same.
Ziggler gets the advantage quickly with a series of
kicks and punches.
He follows with an Irish whip that’s reversed, but he
manages to slap on a sleeper. Benjamin quickly
escapes, but Ziggler comes back with a low dropkick and
a FameAsser.
Ziggler decides to forgo tradition, skip his
three quick elbows, and go straight to his crazy Lex
Luger jumping elbow. Unfortunately,
he doesn’t get the pin. Ziggler clamps
on a chinlock, but Benjamin escapes. A crazy sequence of
moves follows, with Benjamin getting the upper hand.
Benjamin props Ziggler on the top rope, but
Ziggler fights out, only to have both men botch whatever
was supposed to happen next. Ziggler hits the
Zig Zag…but BENJAMIN KICKS OUT!! Holy macaroni!!
Ziggler looks like someone just killed his dog in
front of him.
Ziggler gets pissed and…clamps on another sleeper
hold!?!?
Okaaaaaay.
And Benjamin…whadaafugl?!? Dolph Ziggler
just won a match with a sleeper hold. Holllllllllly
shit.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
Rating:
That match had the potential to be a five-star
contest…up until the botched move off the top rope. After that,
everything seemed to fall apart like Tiger Woods’
marriage. I
will, however, round up to three Frank Gorshins because
Dolph Ziggler won with a frickin’ sleeper hold.
Video
package for Michaels vs. Undertaker. Career vs.
Streak, huh?
Let’s see…Michaels is putting up a stellar career
with victories against Ric Flair, Bret Hart, Hulk Hogan,
Razor Ramon, and Mr. Perfect and Undertaker is putting
up his streak of great WrestleMania victories against
guys like Mark Henry, King Kong Bundy, Jimmy Snuka, and
Giant Gonzales…hmmm, that seems pretty even.
Because we had two awesome guys in the first match, it’s
time to crush any momentum we might’ve had with…
Mike Knox vs. Goldust
Well, like I’ve mentioned with the few fodder matches
they've had like this on Superstars…there’s upshot in
this match in that someone has to win. Neither of these
two guys is on my “HATE” list, but I wouldn’t pick
either of these guys on my WWE Dream Team, either. A tie up starts
things off.
Knox instantly goes to town on Goldust, who tries
to fight back only to get DROPKICKED BY MIKE KNOX. Sweet Jesus,
there’s been some crazy shit so far on this program.
Goldust empties his arsenal on Knox, but it
doesn’t get the job done. Goldust gets
Knox in the corner and starts whaling on him, but Knox
tosses him.
Knox runs right into the low powerslam by
Goldust.
Knox finally comes back with his crazy cross
bodyblock, but he doesn’t get the pin. Knox tries to
hit a powerslam, but Goldust wiggles out and hits the
Final Cut suplex/neckbreaker for the win!! Man, does Mike
Knox blow goats.
He couldn’t beat an egg with a whisk.
Winner:
Goldust
Rating:
That match was pretty short, but it was good for what it
was.
Hopefully, it’ll help push Goldust
towards…something other than sucking every week.
We
get a recap of some WWE NXT stuff…which I really have
been trying to watch. Some of those
guys are generic and terrible. The guy with CM
Punk and the guy with R Truth are ridiculously generic
and neither of them are very good. The British guy
with
Technically, it should be "Five-Hour Energy"…good
technical writing says that you should write out numbers
from zero to nine.
I’m just sayin’.
Hulk Hogan on Rent-a-Center commercials?
Awesome.
We’re treated to Goldberg vs. Lesnar in the WrestleMania
rewind. I
purchased that PPV and remember that the crowd took a
big fat crapolla on that match. It didn’t help
that both guys were leaving and neither of them even
tried to give a shit.
Now let’s return things to awesome with…
Santino Marella vs. Zack Ryder
Dude, Santino must be the worst wrestler ever to command
not one but TWO shirts. I really hope
they’ll let him win this one…sweet Jesus.
Santino looks baffled by Ryder. The crowd goes bonkers
when Santino offers to throw his shirt. Some hijinx
right out of the gate lead to a Santino headlock
takedown.
Ryder gets out and hits a takeover and some "Woo
woo woos" of his own. Santino hits an
armdrag and a bodyslam, but can’t connect on a monkey
flip. Ryder
fights back with a clothesline and neckbreaker. He keeps the
advantage with a chinlock. Santino fights
up and takes Ryder over. Ryder, however,
hits a cross chop and mocks Santino. Santino joins
the ranks of Samoans (Rakishi and Umaga) and retards
(Eugene and Hacksaw Jim Duggan) by pumping up as Ryder
slams his head to the turnbuckles. Santino goes
through his motions and ACTUALLY HITS THE COBRA PUNCH!!!
Unfortunately,
Winner: Zack Ryder
Rating:
That match was good all the way around. Plus, Santino
finally hit the deadly cobra punch!! Since I’m a
realist and never expect Santino to win a match, what
more can I ask for?
The
main event tonight is nowhere near as good the first
match of the night, as we’re going to see a guy who just
lost to a talentless rookie (Carlito) and a guy who
continuously loses to midgets and RAW guest hosts
(Chavo) take on Christian and MVP, who I’m liking less
every day.
Batista’s new gimmick is that of a big, apathetic,
selfish douchebag?
Huh.
Next, we’re treated to a video package for Cena vs.
Batista.
Batista’s mad because he’s not in movies like
Cena?
Batista probably wasn’t in 12 Rounds because he
couldn’t count that high without taking his boots off.
I would’ve, however, like to have seen ol’ Dave in The
Marine 2. I
would’ve definitely rented that. If anyone in the WWE is
LESS charismatic than Ted Jr., Dave might give him a run
for his money.
CM Punk still isn’t going to WrestleMania? The hell?!? It’s not to late
to book McIntyre vs. Punk…that would at least be
entertaining…more so than HHH vs. Sheamus.
Wellll…it’s on to our “main event.”
MVP and Christian (with his goofball NXT
rookie) vs. Carlito (with his rookie) and Chavo Guerrero
People tell me that I, too, am "cocky like a tiel." I think MVP's
song should say that he's "sucky like a tache. Get it…like
succotash?
I’ll be here all week…try the veal! Don’t forget to
tip your waiters and waitresses…hardest working people
in show business.
Hot Tub Time Machine looks bizarrely good…I have a
feeling that it’s going to be REALLY good or REALLY
bad…but nowhere in between.
If I got on the Dr. Scholl’s machine, it would say “One
at a time please…”
Sucks to be me.
Oh yeah, it should say “Only four calories” on the
energy drink container.
Chavo Guerrero should’ve gotten a rookie…and the poor
bastard could’ve learned how to learn to midgets, women,
and geriatrics.
Okay, enough of the random comments, let's get to the
action.
Chavo and MVP start things off with some decent chain
wrestling that culminates in a flying forearm-looking
thing by MVP.
MVP tags to Christian, so Chavo tags to Carlito.
Carlito gets in a quick kick to the midsection,
but Christian takes control with a dropkick. Carlito swings
the pendulum back his way with a knee to Christian’s
gut. He
follows this by sending Christian to the outside. This allows us
to take a commercial break.
When
we return, Carlito still has control. Christian fights
up with a series of punches, but Carlito hits his
leaping reverse elbow off the second rope. Carlito follows
with a slam, but can’t follow up. Christian tags
to MVP who hits his typical weak moves (the
belly-to-belly suplex during which he doesn't touch his
opponent).
He also pops Chavo for good measure. MVP goes for the
Ballin’ Elbow, but Chavo pulls his partner to safety…but
not for long, as MVP hits a dropkick on both of them.
Some chicanery follows, allowing Carlito to regain
control.
Carlito tags to Chavo, who rolls in with a senton
and hits a European uppercut. This match is
boring me.
At least the dorky red-headed rookie guy is
having fun.
He could be the third Dynamic Dude!! Where’s Shane
Douglas when you need him? The heels
continue to dominate, with Carlito and Chavo putting the
boots to MVP with Tarver (the rookie for the heels)
looking on.
MVP fights back with some punches and a faceplant
slam. MVP
and Carlito both tag out, allowing Christian to beat the
tar out of Chavo.
Christian hits a sunset flip off the second rope,
and then hits his flying uppercut. Chavo continues
to beat up both men, but Chavo reverses the second
sunset flip and hits two of the three amigos before
Christian blocks and hits a reverse DDT. Michael Cole
calls a brainbuster a Gory Bomb like a complete tool
idiot…and while that’s happening, Chavo misses his frog
splash, allowing Christian to hit the Kill Switch for
the win.
Winners: Christian and
MVP
Rating:
That match was just okay. I don’t know…it
never seemed to pick up more than a mediocre pace. Nothing I
haven’t seen 15 times before.
After the match, Christian and MVP act all masculine
because they’re both in the MITB Ladder Match…like MVP
stands a snowball’s chance in hell of winning that
thing…hell, that stupid-looking rookie guy has a better
chance than MVP, I’m thinking.
Well, that was a bumpy ride..from good to bad to
mediocre!
Giving awards might not be so easy tonight, but
I’m going to give it the old college try.
The Golden Batarang Award: It’s a three-way
tie between Dolph Ziggler’s sleeper, Mike Knox’s
dropkick, and Santino’s cobra punch actually connecting.
The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:
Michael Cole calling a brainbuster a Gory Bomb.
Seriously?
Well, that’s it for me this week…I hope you can forgive
me for neglecting you all, but I can guarantee that I
won’t do it again…for at least a few more weeks. "Great"
Scott…out!
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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