WWE Superstars Recap for February 11, 2010
How's it
hangin' folks?
"Great" Scott here for another week of fun and
frivolity.
My goal with this recap is now to last longer
than ECW…I know I have them beaten in the quality and
entertainment departments.
So, before
we continue, I have another wonderful top ten list. This week I'm
going to revitalize the WWE's terrible tag team division
by presenting…
"Great" Scott's Top Ten Tag Teams That
Should Exist RIGHT NOW
· The Colons. Yep, reunite
Primo and Carlito; they're wasted as single wrestlers.
·
The Big Red
Machines. Kozlov and Kane
would be the new Big Boss Man and Akeem!
·
The
SuperFreaks. The Hurricane
and Goldust would be a great team.
·
Vegetable
Soup. Come on, you
know JTG and MVP would be a great team…for many reasons.
·
The
·
Team
·
Team
·
Ebony and
Ivory. You could always
team up Mark Henry and Sheamus…the color contrast would
make your television EXPLODE.
·
Asians We
Don't Know What To Do With. Yoshi Tatsu and
Jimmy Wang Yang would finally be contenders. Both of them are
fantastic performers who are getting little to no push.
·
The World's
Greatest Tag Team.
These guys
need to reunite and be tag champs FOREVER.
Santino Marella vs. Jack Swagger
I already
like this show!
Santino comes to the ring with his brand spanking
new BEWARE THE COBRA shirt. So, I should
beware of a move that has no chance of ever striking me?
Okay.
Before the
match gets started, Santino grabs the microphone and
talks trash in his stereotypically bad English. Esentially,
Santino says that he'll be Swagger so bad that he'll
call him "professor."
Swagger
locks in a side headlock to start, and only gets
shoulderblocked when he does break out. Swagger taunts
Santino with some pushups. Santino gets
angry and the crowd gets behind him. Santino fails to
escape from a second side headlock, and gets taken over
for his trouble.
Finally, Satino escapes and hits a shoulderblock
and dropkick of his own. Swagger rolls to
the outside will Santino mocks him by doing some pushups
that look like the ones I used to do in elementary
school.
Swagger
charges back in the ring and is immediately drop
toeholdededed by Santino, who tries to wrench Swagger's
arm.
Swagger's solution? He simply
punches Santino in the face. Bummer. It's all Swagger
for a while, as he hits kicks, punches, and a
belly-to-belly suplex. He follows with
a Vader splash in the corner that actually connects, but
can't even beat Santino. Maybe it's time
to retire that move.
After
a few minutes, Swagger slams Santino's head into the
turnbuckles a few times, but Santino buffs up like every
other buffoon (Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Eugene, Hulk Hogan)
or Samoan has ever done and he hits his punches, split,
and hip toss to regain control. To ensure that
hell has thoroughly frozen over, Santino hits his diving
headbutt, but he only gets a two count. Santino gets up
and signals for The Cobra, even going so far as to shout
"Cobra!" like they did on G.I. Joe, but like the Cobra
on the cartoon, the move fails, and Santino gets
clotheslined and gutwrench powerbombed for the
loss…again.
Winner:
Jack Swagger
Rating:
Eh, that
match was okay…sorta' funny, but nothing more. I think they
need to do something to develop Santino's character…they
have plenty to work with. He's a funny guy
with some decent ability. They've done a
lot more with a lot less.
My IQ lowers
by 30 points as I sit through another inane Ask a Diva
segment. We
learn that Alicia Fox wants Bob Barker to be her
valentine…and since most of us know Bob Barker's track
record with hot women, we know how that'll work out.
Maybe he'll play a little Mount-and-climb-her….RIM SHOT! Seriously,
though, I think it's time for old Bob to help control
the old man population and have himself spayed or
neutered.
And now
we're on to what looks to be another decent match…
Zack Ryder (with a worthless diva) vs.
Christian (with a worthless belt)
With an
announce team like Byron Saxton and Josh Matthews, I
can't BELIEVE ECW is going under…really! It's a shame
these two are going to go to a "major" brand and
mid-card it to the end…while guys like Kane and Batista
are still on every week stinking it up.
The match
starts with a long tie up that sees Ryder shove
Christian in the corner. Christian
retorts with a slap and a quick roll-up that gets a two
count.
Christian follows with a punch and a side
headlock.
Ryder fights out with a back suplex. He hits some
mounted punches, but gets flapjacked and clotheslined
out of the ring.
He lands on the apron, but Christian dropkicks
him to the floor.
Christian looks as if he's going to hit a
dropkick to the outside, but Ryder moves. Christian leads
him back to the ring, but Ryder DDTs Christian on the
apron. Just
to piss me off and kill the momentum of the match, we go
to commercial.
When we
return, Christian is trying to escape from a chinlock,
only to get STO'd back down. Ryder locks the
hold back on and hits a nice legdrop. I've noticed
that Ryder looks a little less gay this time out. Christian tries
a second rope sunset flip, but Ryder catches him and
stuns him on the bottom rope. Ryder tries a
second rope punch, but Christian gets his feet up. Christian ducks
a punch and hits a few of his own. He follows by
standing on Ryder's back as he's draped over the ropes,
then he hits the Big Boss Man outside the ring punch.
Christian follows this with a missile dropkick.
Ryder tries to hit his leg lariat to turn the
tide, but Christian reverses it into a nice sit down
powerbomb.
Ryder rolls to the apron, and manages a cheap
shot on Christian over the ropes, but Ryder can't
capitalize, so Christian flips him back into the ring.
Christian goes to the top for a flying cross body
block, but Ryder sees it coming about six miles away and
moves.
Ryder hits his flying leg lariat (that I'm not
going to call the Rough Ryder). Christian
recovers in about 2.2 seconds to try for the KillSwitch,
but Ryder rolls him up instead. The next spot
sees Christian hit his upside-down kick in the corner
after Ryder waits for it for about 10 minutes. Ugh. This match is
slowly heading south. Christian hits
his flying forearm off the second rope and starts to
warm up the crowd for an "official" KillSwitch. Rider stands up
and…Christian finishes him off with said
KillSwitch…okay.
Winner:
Christian
Rating:
Despite a
few good spots, that match was a little boring. Eh. Considering his
name is "Captain Charisma," that match was dull as dirt.
The next
I bet WWE
NXT stands for "NoXTalent." I wonder if it
will last longer than the XFL or WBF…
Okay, one
more potentially good match…hopefully it won't bore me
like the other two.
Dolph Ziggler vs. JTG
It's good to
see that Cryme Tyme still has that stupid, stereotypical
entrance.
Matt Striker instantly helps out by saying that
JTG hangs out with his "homies."
Sigh.
Ziggler
awkwardly goes to the ropes early, but hits a nice slam.
The two exchange moves and reverses before Ziggler goes
to the ropes again.
Another sloppy exchange ends in a JTG flying back
elbow.
Ziggler retreats again. Ziggler hits a
kick, punch, and back elbow, and maintains control
despite JTG fighting back. Unfortunately
for Ziggler, JTG fights back with a few moves of his
own, sending Ziggler to the outside.
When
we return from commercials, Ziggler has a camel clutch
locked on.
As always, all the good stuff happened during the
commercials.
JTG gets up and fights out, but Ziggler pulls the
hair and takes him down. Ziggler hits a
kick and a series of elbows, topping it off with a
jumping Lex Luger elbow. Ziggler
continues to control the tempo by locking on a chinlock
that he turns into a camel clutch. Again, JTG
fights up, only to get kicked and standing leg dropped
by Ziggler.
Ziggler goes full-scale Mr. Perfect by hitting
the roll-forward neck breaker. Ziggler follows
this with some more punches and yet another rest hold.
At least Ziggler's rest holds have some pizzazz.
JTG fights
his way up with some punches, but Ziggler whallops him.
However, Ziggler misses a corner splash, allowing
JTG to hit a neckbreaker/backbreaker combo. The two men
exchange punches, with JTG getting the upper hand. He follows with
a rolling shoulderblock and a dropkick. He gets excited
and hits The Mugshot (falling head slam), but can't get
the win.
Sizggler flips out of a back suplex, but can't
get a pin off of a roll up. JTG hits a
flying leg lariat (that's the THIRD time someone's hit a
variation of that tonight), but Ziggler gets his foot on
the ropes during the pin attempt). JTG gets up and
tries to attack Ziggler in the corner, but Dolph moves
and hits the Zig Zag for the win.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
Rating:
That match
was better than average. It could've been
a little more face-paced, but it was fine as it was.
Before I
duck out, let me hand out some awards…
Golden Batarang Award: Because I want
to preserve racial harmony, I'm going to give awards to
both Dolph Ziggler AND JTG. I'm no racist!
Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award: I'm going to
give this to Christian. I expect more
from him.
Matches like tonight's justify his being on ECW.
He's got to try harder if he wants to get more screen
time than Mike Knox on one of the major shows.
That's it for me, folks. Have a "great" week!
WWE Superstars Recap for February 4, 2010
Welcome
back, fearless readers! "Great" Scott is
back and he's got another fantastic recap for you. Let's kick
things off with another "Great" Scott top ten list.
"Great" Scott's Top Ten Matches He'd Like
to See At WrestleMania
(In No Particular Order)
·
Beth Phoenix
vs. Mickie James vs. Gail Kim vs. Maryse. This will be a
femme-fatale four way to unite the two divas belts. Michelle McCool
will be barred from the building.
·
The World's
Greatest Tag Team reunites to take on The Hart Dynasty
for the unified tag team titles. This occurs
after a tournament that sees Haas and Benjamin reclaim
the gold from The Miz and Big Show.
·
Joe Hennig
defeats Tyler Reks in the final match of the NXT
championship tournament. I'm a huge Mr.
Perfect mark, so this is a no-brainer for me…of course,
these guys may not even be in the NXT…but I can always
hope.
·
HHH vs.
Shawn Michaels vs. Undertaker. Wouldn't this be
cool? Come
on!
·
Edge vs.
Chris Jericho or Christian. Either one of
these matches would be really cool…and it needs to be
for a belt.
·
William
Regal vs. Finlay. I don't know why
this would even happen, but I love these two guys and
they're both great performers. They need to
have a match.
·
Kofi
Kingston, Evan Bourne, Yoshi Tatsu, Dolph Ziggler,
Carlito, R-Truth, and Rey Mysterio in the Money in the
Back Ladder Match. This is simply
based on guys who would do well in this type of match.
·
CM Punk, The
Miz, Drew McIntyre, and John Morrison in some kind of
match. Any combination
of these guys as champion and/or challenger would be
fine.
·
Bret Hart
(with John Cena) vs. Vince McMahon (with
Batista).
This will prevent two pieces of crap from
actually wrestling!!
·
A "stuck in
limbo" battle royal. Perhaps this
match has some sort of reward, like a chance to host RAW
(and make matches). I've always been
a fan of throwing little-used guys into a match where
they might be able to get a shot. Guys in here
would include Matt Hardy, Mike Knox, Zack Ryder, The
Hurricane, Ezekiel Jackson, both members of Priceless
(reluctantly), Primo, Chavo, Jimmy Wang Yang, Vladimir
Kozlov (if he's still around), Santino, MVP, Chris
Masters, Jack Swagger, Sheamus (Yeah, he's champ now…but
that's not going to last), Cryme Tyme, Luke Gallows,
and/or Goldust…among others.
Notice that
there's no Mark Henry, Great Khali, Kane, or Vance
Archer in any of these matches. Yup…it's good
that you noticed that.
Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres vs. Alicia Fox
and Katie Lea Burchill
Perhaps the
two heel divas will actually win this week…considering
Katie Lea hasn't won a match in about sixteen years.
Alicia and
Eve start out, and Alicia immediately busts out a nice
headlock takedown.
Eve gets up, but is quickly put back down with a
shoulderblock.
Eve stops Alicia's momentum with a dropkick, and
Alicia tags to Katie Lea.
Eve takes
control with an armbar and tags to Kelly Kelly. The two divas
perform a double elbow drop that Kelly follows with a
weak sauce pin attempt that barely gets one. Katie Lea
immediately realizes that she's selling for Kelly
frickin' Kelly, so the former pirate wench picks up her
redundantly-named opponent and brings her to the heel
corner.
Kelly fights out and proceeds to hit the worst
hip toss I believe I've ever seen. Kelly tags to
Eve, who hits a sunset flip out of the corner for two.
Eve hits some horrible punches and kicks, but follows up
with a nice senton splash. Katie Lea
manages to get one kick in before Eve hoists her up and
hits a Samoan drop. Man, they're
really letting Katie Lea display her wrestling ability
here. Eve
goes to the top rope to do something, but Alicia is
there for the distraction. Eve leaps down
and grabs her opponent by the hair. This allows
Katie Lea to dump Eve out of the ring. Hey!! Some offense by
Katie Lea!!
Katie works Eve's leg and then tags to Alicia,
who does much of the same. For some unknown
reason, Eve completely shrugs this off and tags Kelly
Kelly, who hits two horrible clotheslines and her
swinging head scissors, which, if you pay attention, has
Alicia doing all the work. Kelly just tucks
her arms and lets Alicia swing her around like the
useless sack of potatoes she (Kelly) is. Kelly then
follows up two crappy moves with her equally crappy
handspring…err, elbow, that really is just her bouncing
backwards into Alicia who has to move into position.
This match is really terrible, even by divas
standards.
Kelly then hits a FrankenBimbo on Alicia, but
Katie Lea makes the save.
Before I
continue…they won't let anyone in the WWE do a
piledriver, but they'll let Kelly Kelly do a
FrankenSteiner?
You have GOT to be kidding me. Rant over, back
to the match.
Eve runs
over to stop Katie Lea, but Katie's having none of that.
Kelly, however, weakly shoves Katie Lea, who
flies out of the ring as if she's been shot out of a
cannon.
Alicia sneaks up on Kelly, but Kelly's having
none of it.
She kick's Alicia and goes for a cross body off
the top rope.
Alicia, however, rolls through and gets the pin.
Winners: Alicia Fox and
Katie Lea Burchill (for a change)
Rating:
Man,
watching Kelly Kelly is BRUTAL. She is terrible.
Alicia Fox needs to pray to whatever deity she
believes in, because she survived that performance and
can still walk.
Wow, the
main event is John Morrison, Matt Hardy, and The Great
Khali vs. The Hart Dynasty and Drew McIntyre. Hmmmmm…someone
in this group doesn't belong. And one is
eating and tanning his way out of it pretty quickly…I'll
let you figure that brain teaser out.
Evan Bourne vs. Carlito
Wow, this
has every reason to be a really good match. I hope I'm
right.
Quick knee
lift and punches from Carlito to start. Bourne quickly
stops Carlito by hitting a trifecta of kicks to the back
of Carlito's leg.
Bourne tries a charge in the corner, but Carlito
moves.
Bourne leaps from the ropes and hits a rolling
armdrag, which he follows with a drop toe hold and a low
dropkick.
Bourne hits another kick, but is dropkicked by
Carlito out of an Irish whip off the ropes. Carlito stalks
Bourne, hits a slam, and follows with an elbow drop.
Carlito continues to dole out the punishment in
the form of a chinlock. Bourne fights
out and hits a nice head scissors on Carlito and follows
up with another nice low dropkick. Carlito rolls to
the outside, but Bourne follows with a inside-out
splash.
Carlito moves, but Bourne lands on his feet! Carlito tries
for a clothesline, but Bourne moves and hits a
VICIOUS-LOOKING leaping knee that looks like it knocks
Carlito's chin up into his afro. Carlito,
rightfully, sells this move like he's dead. Bourne drags the
lifeless body of Carlito into the ring and heads up to
the top for the SSP, but Carlito groggily rolls out of
the way and out of the ring. Carlito still
looks dazed as we head to commercial. See, Kane, Mark
Henry, John Cena, and Randy Orton…it's called "selling!"
Try it sometime!
We
return, and Carlito Irish whips Bourne to the corner,
only to get head scissored on the way out. Bourne follows
that with his leaping forearm-elbow-clothesline move.
Bourne hits another kick as Carlito puts his head
down, but as Bourne bounces off the ropes, Carlito hits
a BIIIIIG boot on Bourne. Carlito goes for
a pin, but Bourne kicks out at about 2.875. Both men are
selling like they're actually hurt by the moves that
have been performed on them. What a wicked
concept!
Carlito props Bourne in the corner and proceeds
to stomp a mudhole in him. The referee
steps in and stops Carlito, who follows up the offense
by stunning Bourne under the bottom rope. Another pin
attempt by Carlito gets 2.67. Carlito clamps
on a painful-looking hold from which Bourne quickly
escapes.
Evan's momentum is short lived, as Carlito kicks
him in the gut and hit a quick rolling neckbreaker. After another
failed pin, Carlito angrily locks in a camel-clutch-type
hold with his knee in Bourne's back. Bourne escapes,
only to have Carlito hit a springboard elbow off the
second rope.
Yet ANOTHER failed pin is clearly pissing off the
supposedly cool
Both men are
rightfully exhausted. Bourne rolls to
the apron, and Carlito stalks over to attempt an
inside-out suplex.
At the height of the suplex, Bourne manages to
knee Carlito right in his afro'd dome. You wouldn't
think that would hurt, but whatever. Bourne follows
that up with a WICKED kick to the side of Carlito's
head.
Bourne mounts the ropes for another SSP attempt,
but Carlito makes a desperation dive to stop him. Carlito heads
the second turnbuckle to try for a superplex, but Bourne
blocks it and hits a SUNSET FLIP POWERBOMB!!! Dear God, this
match has been fantastic. Bourne climbs
the turnbuckles for the third time and hits the SSP FOR
THE WIN!!
Winner: Evan Bourne and
every single person who watched that match
Rating:
Seriously,
that match was better than EVERY SINGLE MATCH on the
Royal Rumble card.
I would wager that it's going to be better than
most of the matches on the Wrestlemania card, as well
(CoughcoughCenaBatistacoughcough). Kudos to both of
these guys, who are essentially going nowhere in the
current WWE environment. Awesome, isn't
it?
The Great Khali, Matt Hardy,
and John Morrison vs. The Hart Dynasty and Drew McIntyre
Seriously,
these guys should get on the microphone, admit that this
match isn't going to be nearly as good as the last one,
and just leave.
Seriously.
The
face team proves my pervious statement by dancing…which
to them is just bobbing their hands up and down. Seriously, Bill
Cosby had a better dance repertoire than these three
(four if you count the interpreter guy) buffoons. It's a shame
that John Morrison has to do this.
Hardy and
Kidd start things off. Both men work
the arm for a few seconds before Matt hits the slowest
"flying" clothesline I've ever seen. After tiring
himself out with that fast-paced offense, Hardy tags
Morrison, and the two hit some decent double team moves.
Kidd manages a cheap shot out of the corner, which he
follows with a series of kicks and a tag to McIntyre. Drew gets a few
shots in before Morrison kicks him and hits some mounted
punches.
Morrison
tags to Kahli, who hits a headbutt on an attacking
McIntyre.
Khali follows that with a clothesline, a boot to
an interfering Tyson Kidd, and an open-hand chop to
McIntyre.
Khali hoists McIntyre into what looks like a side
slam, but Khali tags Hardy and the two men channel the
spirits of Demolition as Hardy hits a slo-mo second rope
elbow.
Hardy senses
victory, so he locks in…a side headlock? Seriously? What I didn't
notice is that DH Smith is distracting the ref, so Kidd
can hit a kick to the back of Hardy's head, which sends
him into a kick by McIntyre. McIntyre tags to
Smith, who hits approximately 5,000 kicks on Hardy
before taunting the face team. Smith hits an
elbow and a suplex and follows it with…some commercials?
Odd place to break things up, but…
We're back,
and Smith has a rear headlock clamped on that Hardy
quickly escapes from with a side Russian leg sweep. Hardy makes the
tag to Morrison; Smith tags Tyson Kidd. After hitting a
few basic moves, Morrison is distracted by McIntyre,
allowing Kidd to get a shot in. However, as Kidd
comes off the ropes, Morrison manages to pop him with a
cool-looking sit down powerbomb. Smith tries to
distract Morrison, but it doesn’t work. Morrison with an
Irish whip that doesn't end well, as Kidd tosses him to
the outside.
On the outside, Drew McIntyre punishes Morrison.
Inside, Smith gets the tag and hits a NICE set of
three belly-to-belly suplexes. That was
actually really cool. Why doesn't he
get to do actual moves more often? Smith tries to
follow up with a powerslam, but Morrison escapes and
hits his breakdancing Pele flip kick to even the score.
Hardy hits a pair of clotheslines and a bulldog,
and follows with a Side Effect off of a whiffed
clothesline by DH Smith. The heels break
up a pin attempt, then pop Khali on his sizable noggin.
The three heels then decide to hit the Hart Attack 2.0,
but Khali recovers in time to trip up Kidd and McIntyre.
Hardy hits a distracted Smith with a Twist of
Fate (I think Khali may have punched him beforehand).
Hardy tags Khali in so he can hit the Punjabi
Plunge (which is also called The Generic Two-Handed
Chokeslam that Every Big Talentless Guy in the WWE(F)
Has Ever Done) for the win.
Winners: Matt Hardy, The
Great Khali, and John Morrison
Rating:
That match
was slightly better than average. I think I'm
rounding up because the Carlito/Evan Bourne match has
made me feel all happy inside.
The awards
this week are perhaps the easiest one to give out EVER.
The Golden Batarang Award: Carlito and Evan
Bourne put on the best match I've seen on Superstars.
Seriously, that was a great match.
The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award: Kelly
Kelly…`nuff said.
That's all for this week folks, see you next week for 45 to 60 minutes of sports entertainment-related hijinks!!
"Great" Scott's WWE Superstars Recap for
January 28, 2010
Welcome
back, ladies and gentlemen. "Great" Scott is
back to is back, playing his roll as mommy bird by
watching crappy wrestling and throwing it up in your
collective throats.
Before we
get started, let me give you my "Great" Scott's top ten
list of the week.
This week it's…
Top Ten Worst Movies I Can Remember Seeing
(In No Particular Order)
·
Must Love
Dogs – Horrible
chick flick.
·
Foot Fist
Way – Like
Napoleon Dynamite, but unfunny.
·
Syriana – One of
the few movies I couldn't watch all the way through.
·
The Night
Listener – A Robin
Williams stinker you probably haven't heard of…which
isn't necessarily a bad thing.
·
Transformers – Ruined
one of my favorite childhood memories.
·
Fight Club – Yeah, I
know this is an unpopular pick, but I hated the
ending…and most of the rest of the movie.
·
·
The Big
Lebowski – I'm no
choir boy, but John Goodman was off-putting. I am convinced
people say they like this movie to attempt to impress
other people.
·
Because I
Said So – Another
horrible chick flick...avoid it!
·
Meet The
Parents – I'm
sorry, but this movie was predictable and stupid.
Speaking of
predictable and stupid, let's get to the evening's
opening bout.
The Bella Twins vs. Jillian Hall and Katie
Lea Burchill
Oh boy, the
Bellas are dressed the same…but not because they're
going to switch places at some point during the match.
Also, it sucks that the two women with talent are
going to lose this one.
Brie Bella
starts with Katie Lea, who is looking great, as always.
This lasts all of about ten seconds before the
Bella tags out.
The Bella twins actually perform a good double
team move, followed by a failed pin attempt by Nikki.
Her momentum doesn't last long, as Katie Lea backs the
Bella to her corner and tags Jillian. Jillian quickly
performs the generic diva throw by the hair and follows
that up with a ridiculous-looking arm bar kinda' thing.
Jillian tries to charge the Bella in the corner,
but eats an elbow instead. Not one to give
up, Jillian charges again, and eats a boot this time.
Nikki climbs the ropes and hits a flying cross body that
gets a two count.
The
Bellas make another tag and perform another
non-offensive double team move. These two might
not be as talentless as I thought. Brie performs an
awkward headlock takedown and sends Jillian to the
corner. It
looks like she's going to perform a monkey flip, but
Katie Lea's there for the distraction and Jillian tosses
the Bella.
Jillian goes full heel with the rope choke and
then tags Katie Lea, who locks on a camel clutch. Katie Lea
catches the Bella in an attempted cross body and hits a
nice spinning backbreaker. Katie Lea gets a
few more shots in before sending the Bella to the
corner.
Unfortunately, Brie scoots out of the way of a
charge and makes the tag. Bella sister is
a HOUSE OF FIYAH!
She hits a pair of dropkicks, and then pops
Jillian for good measure. Nikki hits a
monkey flip out of the corner and the Mr. Perfect flip
over neck snap, earning her points in my book. Nikki goes for
the pin, but doesn't get the victory. Katie Lea tries
to fight back, but Nikki leaps on her shoulders and
rolls her over for a pin attempt. Jillian tries to
make the save, but is taken out by the other Bella. Wow, a victory
that didn't involve the old switcheroo.
Winners: The Bella Twins
Rating:
Yeah,
I'm actually going to give that three Riddlers. That was
actually a very watchable match. It also helps
when the Bellas don't pull any of the Conquistadors' old
tricks…even though they were wearing gold outfits, just
like the awesome 80s tag team.
Wow, the
next match actually has implications! Holy cow…I'm
recapping a show that means something for once!! I don't know
what to do with myself…I will, however, whip out the
larger font!
Triple Threat Match–Winner Gets a Spot to
be Fodder in the Royal Rumble
Chavo Guerrero vs. Primo vs. Chris Masters
Another
pretty predictable match, Masters is the favorite, but
Chavo would make for a funnier entrant, like
Santino…sorry, Primo, you stand no chance whatsoever.
A cluster to
start is followed by Masters taking control. He tries to
press slam Chavo, but Primo kicks his leg out of his leg
and Chavo falls on top of Masters. Chavo breaks up
the pin and tries for one himself. The two argue,
and Chavo goes all heel on him. The two
cruiserweights get a cool spot in before Masters
reasserts himself with a double clothesline. Masters tries to
pin both men before Chavo gets some shots in. Chavo, genius
that he is, starts to play to the crowd, which allows
Masters to destroy him in the corner. Chavo looks like
he's going to make a comeback, but Masters hits a
powerslam and goes for a pin, which is broken up by
Primo.
Masters and Primo go at it, with Primo hitting a
nice flying head scissors on the man with the dancing
pecs. Primo
tries to follow up with a springboard body press, but
Masters (sloppily) catches him and tries to lock on the
MasterLock.
Chavo tries to make the save with what looks to
be a double axhandle off the ropes, but Masters catches
him in the full nelson instead. Primo saves the
day with a jumping knee lift that sends Masters to the
floor.
Primo tries to hit a flying spear on Chavo, by
Chavo moves, and Primo launches out of the ring onto
Masters.
This match is actually pretty darned good. Chavo sneaks to
the top rope and leaps to the outside to hit both men
with a flying splash. This lays all
three men out, giving us a chance to watch some
commercials.
Back from
commercials, Chavo has Primo in a top overhand wristlock
while Chris Masters looks to be having a heart attack
outside the ring…that "cardio" stuff you've heard about
really does work; you should give it a try, Chris.
Primo
finally punches out, but Chavo hits a drop toe hold and
a rolling senton.
He continues on the offense, and hits a knee on
Masters, who had finally made it up onto the apron. Primo manages to
hit a drop kick on the distracted Chavo, and this match
has grinded to a halt. The two guys in
the ring start to exchange punches and forearms, with
Primo finally gaining the upper hand with a flying back
elbow. He
follows up with a clothesline and dropkick. Masters tries to
get involved, but Primo hits a side Russian leg sweep.
Masters tries to get back into it, but Primo
drops his neck over the top rope. Chavo gets up,
so Primo tries to hit a leaping Tatanka chop. Chavo, however,
kicks him and hits the Three Amigos. On the third
Amigo (perhaps Dusty Bottoms this time), Primo rolls
Chavo up.
Chavo kicks out, and the two fart around long
enough for Masters to get up and try for the MasterLock
on Chavo.
Primo tries to make the save, but Masters pulls
Chavo down and Primo goes WAAAAAAAAY high and to the
outside.
Inside, Chavo slips out of the MasterLock, but
Masters cleverly grabs him and locks the hold back on.
Chavo zonks out moments later. Congrats, Chris,
you and your pecs have earned a shot to be tossed out of
the ring by someone way more popular!!
Winner: Chris Masters
Rating:
That match
was really pretty good…considering 33 percent of it was
Chris Masters…maybe he's not a total waste of space
after all.
The main
even tonight is Matt Hardy and David Hart Smith? Ummm…I think the
triple threat match that actually had some sort of
repercussions should've maybe been the main event
instead of the stinker that Hardy vs. Smith will most
likely be.
I guess we'll see. I can hardly
wait.
After the
match, we get a video package where the WWE tries to
make us care about a main event involving Matt Hardy.
Apparently, he's tagging with The Great Khali
now…talk about a shallow tag division. I love how the
WWE continues to bury their only legitimately talented
tag team.
Whatever.
David Hart Smith (with Natalya and Tyson
Kidd) vs. Matt Hardy (with The Great Kahli, that stupid
translator guy, and an ample gut)
I've got…The
Great Khali and Matt Hardy can be The Punjabi Giant and
the Pudgy Midget.
You're welcome, WWE.
Chain
wrestling and crappy announcing to start, as Todd
Grisham explains what the key emblem on Matt Hardy's
tights mean (I thought that was the key to the local
Jack in the Box).
After what seems like an eternity, Smith backs
Hardy to the corner and tries a cheap shot. Hardy blocks and
goes on the offensive. Hardy decides
that Smith is sufficiently beaten after two shitty
punches, so he goes for the Twist of Fate. Surprisingly,
Smith escapes and rolls out of the ring. Hardy, impatient
man that he is, hits a baseball slide dropkick that
sends Smith into the announce table. Hardy climbs to
the top rope, but Natalya and Tyson Kidd realize that if
he leaps, the entire building might tumble, so they
stand in front of Smith. The Great Khali,
realizing he's getting paid to do something, waddles
over to scare off the evil Canadians. With all of this
action, we need to take a commercial break!
We're back,
and DH Smith is in control. He's cleverly
working the arm of Matt Hardy. While the
referee is scolding Smith, Natalya is nice enough to
kill a fly that's on Matt Hardy's face. That was sweet
of her!
Smith continues to work the arm, but fails at two
corner charges (I'm seeing a theme tonight). Hardy hits a
second rope elbow drop and a bulldog-esque move. Hardy hits a
clothesline in the corner and then goes for a bulldog
(switching arms mid-move because he remembers that he's
supposed to sell the injury…nice job, Matt). Hardy signals
for something (the Twist of Fate I assume), but Smith
escapes, only to be hit with the Side Effect. As always, that
move doesn't get the win. Hardy goes to
the corner, but Natalya distracts the ref, allowing Kidd
to yank Matt's arm over the top rope, which allows Smith
to hit a big boot for the win.
Winner: DH Smith
Rating:
That match
was okay…nothing to write home about.
After the
match, the Great Khali comes in and cleans house. Then he
dances…which burns my retinas. Khali then shows
what a great partner he is by tossing Matt Hardy out of
the ring.
Oh boy, the prospect of a Matt Hardy/Great Khali
feud makes me want to purchase the Royal Rumble!!
Before I
take my leave, let me dole out some awards.
The Golden Batarang Award: The show was
decent, overall.
If I had to single out something, I'd say the
triple threat match.
The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award: The main event
shouldn't have been the main event, and Khali and Hardy
shouldn't be a tag team at all, much less having Khali
turn on Matt…who cares?
Have a good
week…I'll see you all after the Royal Rumble!
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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