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WWE Superstars Recap for February 11, 2010

 

How's it hangin' folks?  "Great" Scott here for another week of fun and frivolity.  My goal with this recap is now to last longer than ECW…I know I have them beaten in the quality and entertainment departments. 

 

So, before we continue, I have another wonderful top ten list.  This week I'm going to revitalize the WWE's terrible tag team division by presenting…

 

"Great" Scott's Top Ten Tag Teams That Should Exist RIGHT NOW

 

   The Colons.  Yep, reunite Primo and Carlito; they're wasted as single wrestlers.

   The Big Red Machines.  Kozlov and Kane would be the new Big Boss Man and Akeem!

   The SuperFreaks.  The Hurricane and Goldust would be a great team.

   Vegetable Soup.  Come on, you know JTG and MVP would be a great team…for many reasons.

   The Rhodes Boys.  Okay, why not team up Cody and Dustin?

   Team Europe.  William Regal and Finlay would be pretty sweet.

   Team Ireland.  Okay, why not team Sheamus with Finlay?  Sheamus would learn a ton.

   Ebony and Ivory.  You could always team up Mark Henry and Sheamus…the color contrast would make your television EXPLODE.

   Asians We Don't Know What To Do With.  Yoshi Tatsu and Jimmy Wang Yang would finally be contenders.  Both of them are fantastic performers who are getting little to no push.

   The World's Greatest Tag Team.  These guys need to reunite and be tag champs FOREVER.

 

 

Santino Marella vs. Jack Swagger

 

I already like this show!  Santino comes to the ring with his brand spanking new BEWARE THE COBRA shirt.  So, I should beware of a move that has no chance of ever striking me?  Okay.

 

Before the match gets started, Santino grabs the microphone and talks trash in his stereotypically bad English.  Esentially, Santino says that he'll be Swagger so bad that he'll call him "professor."

 

Swagger locks in a side headlock to start, and only gets shoulderblocked when he does break out.  Swagger taunts Santino with some pushups.  Santino gets angry and the crowd gets behind him.  Santino fails to escape from a second side headlock, and gets taken over for his trouble.  Finally, Satino escapes and hits a shoulderblock and dropkick of his own.  Swagger rolls to the outside will Santino mocks him by doing some pushups that look like the ones I used to do in elementary school.

 

Swagger charges back in the ring and is immediately drop toeholdededed by Santino, who tries to wrench Swagger's arm.  Swagger's solution?  He simply punches Santino in the face.  Bummer.  It's all Swagger for a while, as he hits kicks, punches, and a belly-to-belly suplex.  He follows with a Vader splash in the corner that actually connects, but can't even beat Santino.  Maybe it's time to retire that move.

 

After a few minutes, Swagger slams Santino's head into the turnbuckles a few times, but Santino buffs up like every other buffoon (Hacksaw Jim Duggan, Eugene, Hulk Hogan) or Samoan has ever done and he hits his punches, split, and hip toss to regain control.  To ensure that hell has thoroughly frozen over, Santino hits his diving headbutt, but he only gets a two count.  Santino gets up and signals for The Cobra, even going so far as to shout "Cobra!" like they did on G.I. Joe, but like the Cobra on the cartoon, the move fails, and Santino gets clotheslined and gutwrench powerbombed for the loss…again.

 

Winner:  Jack Swagger

 

Rating:  

 

Eh, that match was okay…sorta' funny, but nothing more.  I think they need to do something to develop Santino's character…they have plenty to work with.  He's a funny guy with some decent ability.  They've done a lot more with a lot less.

My IQ lowers by 30 points as I sit through another inane Ask a Diva segment.  We learn that Alicia Fox wants Bob Barker to be her valentine…and since most of us know Bob Barker's track record with hot women, we know how that'll work out.  Maybe he'll play a little Mount-and-climb-her….RIM SHOT!  Seriously, though, I think it's time for old Bob to help control the old man population and have himself spayed or neutered.

 

And now we're on to what looks to be another decent match…

 

Zack Ryder (with a worthless diva) vs. Christian (with a worthless belt)

 

With an announce team like Byron Saxton and Josh Matthews, I can't BELIEVE ECW is going under…really!  It's a shame these two are going to go to a "major" brand and mid-card it to the end…while guys like Kane and Batista are still on every week stinking it up.

 

The match starts with a long tie up that sees Ryder shove Christian in the corner.  Christian retorts with a slap and a quick roll-up that gets a two count.  Christian follows with a punch and a side headlock.  Ryder fights out with a back suplex.  He hits some mounted punches, but gets flapjacked and clotheslined out of the ring.  He lands on the apron, but Christian dropkicks him to the floor.  Christian looks as if he's going to hit a dropkick to the outside, but Ryder moves.  Christian leads him back to the ring, but Ryder DDTs Christian on the apron.  Just to piss me off and kill the momentum of the match, we go to commercial.

 

When we return, Christian is trying to escape from a chinlock, only to get STO'd back down.  Ryder locks the hold back on and hits a nice legdrop.  I've noticed that Ryder looks a little less gay this time out.  Christian tries a second rope sunset flip, but Ryder catches him and stuns him on the bottom rope.  Ryder tries a second rope punch, but Christian gets his feet up.  Christian ducks a punch and hits a few of his own.  He follows by standing on Ryder's back as he's draped over the ropes, then he hits the Big Boss Man outside the ring punch.  Christian follows this with a missile dropkick.  Ryder tries to hit his leg lariat to turn the tide, but Christian reverses it into a nice sit down powerbomb.  Ryder rolls to the apron, and manages a cheap shot on Christian over the ropes, but Ryder can't capitalize, so Christian flips him back into the ring.  Christian goes to the top for a flying cross body block, but Ryder sees it coming about six miles away and moves.  Ryder hits his flying leg lariat (that I'm not going to call the Rough Ryder).  Christian recovers in about 2.2 seconds to try for the KillSwitch, but Ryder rolls him up instead.  The next spot sees Christian hit his upside-down kick in the corner after Ryder waits for it for about 10 minutes.  Ugh.  This match is slowly heading south.  Christian hits his flying forearm off the second rope and starts to warm up the crowd for an "official" KillSwitch.  Rider stands up and…Christian finishes him off with said KillSwitch…okay.

 

Winner:  Christian

 

Rating: 

 

Despite a few good spots, that match was a little boring.  Eh.  Considering his name is "Captain Charisma," that match was dull as dirt.

 

The next HOF entrant is Ted DiBiase?  AWESOME!!  I'm really pissed this guy doesn't have a DVD set yet.  DiBiase was seriously one of the most underrated performer in WWE history.  He never got a belt (other than the tag belts and his own "Million Dollar Belt"…which I'm sure Hogan came up with to not let him have the REAL belt).  DiBiase was the MAN!!  I think his son is the Danny DeVito to Arnold Schwartzenegger's character in Twins.  Senior got all the talent while junior is a limp dishrag.  Maybe it skips a generation?

 

I bet WWE NXT stands for "NoXTalent."  I wonder if it will last longer than the XFL or WBF…

 

Okay, one more potentially good match…hopefully it won't bore me like the other two.

 

Dolph Ziggler vs. JTG

 

It's good to see that Cryme Tyme still has that stupid, stereotypical entrance.  Matt Striker instantly helps out by saying that JTG hangs out with his "homies."  Sigh.

 

Ziggler awkwardly goes to the ropes early, but hits a nice slam.  The two exchange moves and reverses before Ziggler goes to the ropes again.  Another sloppy exchange ends in a JTG flying back elbow.  Ziggler retreats again.  Ziggler hits a kick, punch, and back elbow, and maintains control despite JTG fighting back.  Unfortunately for Ziggler, JTG fights back with a few moves of his own, sending Ziggler to the outside. 

 

When we return from commercials, Ziggler has a camel clutch locked on.  As always, all the good stuff happened during the commercials.  JTG gets up and fights out, but Ziggler pulls the hair and takes him down.  Ziggler hits a kick and a series of elbows, topping it off with a jumping Lex Luger elbow.  Ziggler continues to control the tempo by locking on a chinlock that he turns into a camel clutch.  Again, JTG fights up, only to get kicked and standing leg dropped by Ziggler.  Ziggler goes full-scale Mr. Perfect by hitting the roll-forward neck breaker.  Ziggler follows this with some more punches and yet another rest hold.  At least Ziggler's rest holds have some pizzazz. 

 

JTG fights his way up with some punches, but Ziggler whallops him.  However, Ziggler misses a corner splash, allowing JTG to hit a neckbreaker/backbreaker combo.  The two men exchange punches, with JTG getting the upper hand.  He follows with a rolling shoulderblock and a dropkick.  He gets excited and hits The Mugshot (falling head slam), but can't get the win.  Sizggler flips out of a back suplex, but can't get a pin off of a roll up.  JTG hits a flying leg lariat (that's the THIRD time someone's hit a variation of that tonight), but Ziggler gets his foot on the ropes during the pin attempt).  JTG gets up and tries to attack Ziggler in the corner, but Dolph moves and hits the Zig Zag for the win.

 

Winner:  Dolph Ziggler

 

Rating: 

 

That match was better than average.  It could've been a little more face-paced, but it was fine as it was.

 

Before I duck out, let me hand out some awards…

 

Golden Batarang Award:  Because I want to preserve racial harmony, I'm going to give awards to both Dolph Ziggler AND JTG.  I'm no racist!

 

Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:  I'm going to give this to Christian.  I expect more from him.  Matches like tonight's justify his being on ECW.  He's got to try harder if he wants to get more screen time than Mike Knox on one of the major shows.

 

 

That's it for me, folks.  Have a "great" week!

 

 

WWE Superstars Recap for February 4, 2010

 

Welcome back, fearless readers!  "Great" Scott is back and he's got another fantastic recap for you.  Let's kick things off with another "Great" Scott top ten list.

 

"Great" Scott's Top Ten Matches He'd Like to See At WrestleMania

(In No Particular Order)

 

         Beth Phoenix vs. Mickie James vs. Gail Kim vs. Maryse.  This will be a femme-fatale four way to unite the two divas belts.  Michelle McCool will be barred from the building.

         The World's Greatest Tag Team reunites to take on The Hart Dynasty for the unified tag team titles. This occurs after a tournament that sees Haas and Benjamin reclaim the gold from The Miz and Big Show.

         Joe Hennig defeats Tyler Reks in the final match of the NXT championship tournament.  I'm a huge Mr. Perfect mark, so this is a no-brainer for me…of course, these guys may not even be in the NXT…but I can always hope.

         HHH vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Undertaker.  Wouldn't this be cool?  Come on! 

         Edge vs. Chris Jericho or Christian.  Either one of these matches would be really cool…and it needs to be for a belt.

         William Regal vs. Finlay.  I don't know why this would even happen, but I love these two guys and they're both great performers.  They need to have a match.

         Kofi Kingston, Evan Bourne, Yoshi Tatsu, Dolph Ziggler, Carlito, R-Truth, and Rey Mysterio in the Money in the Back Ladder Match.  This is simply based on guys who would do well in this type of match.

         CM Punk, The Miz, Drew McIntyre, and John Morrison in some kind of match.  Any combination of these guys as champion and/or challenger would be fine.

         Bret Hart (with John Cena) vs. Vince McMahon (with Batista).  This will prevent two pieces of crap from actually wrestling!!

         A "stuck in limbo" battle royal.  Perhaps this match has some sort of reward, like a chance to host RAW (and make matches).  I've always been a fan of throwing little-used guys into a match where they might be able to get a shot.  Guys in here would include Matt Hardy, Mike Knox, Zack Ryder, The Hurricane, Ezekiel Jackson, both members of Priceless (reluctantly), Primo, Chavo, Jimmy Wang Yang, Vladimir Kozlov (if he's still around), Santino, MVP, Chris Masters, Jack Swagger, Sheamus (Yeah, he's champ now…but that's not going to last), Cryme Tyme, Luke Gallows, and/or Goldust…among others.

 

Notice that there's no Mark Henry, Great Khali, Kane, or Vance Archer in any of these matches.  Yup…it's good that you noticed that.

 

Kelly Kelly and Eve Torres vs. Alicia Fox and Katie Lea Burchill

 

Perhaps the two heel divas will actually win this week…considering Katie Lea hasn't won a match in about sixteen years.

 

Alicia and Eve start out, and Alicia immediately busts out a nice headlock takedown.  Eve gets up, but is quickly put back down with a shoulderblock.  Eve stops Alicia's momentum with a dropkick, and Alicia tags to Katie Lea.

 

Eve takes control with an armbar and tags to Kelly Kelly.  The two divas perform a double elbow drop that Kelly follows with a weak sauce pin attempt that barely gets one.  Katie Lea immediately realizes that she's selling for Kelly frickin' Kelly, so the former pirate wench picks up her redundantly-named opponent and brings her to the heel corner.  Kelly fights out and proceeds to hit the worst hip toss I believe I've ever seen.  Kelly tags to Eve, who hits a sunset flip out of the corner for two.  Eve hits some horrible punches and kicks, but follows up with a nice senton splash.  Katie Lea manages to get one kick in before Eve hoists her up and hits a Samoan drop.  Man, they're really letting Katie Lea display her wrestling ability here.  Eve goes to the top rope to do something, but Alicia is there for the distraction.  Eve leaps down and grabs her opponent by the hair.  This allows Katie Lea to dump Eve out of the ring.  Hey!!  Some offense by Katie Lea!!  Katie works Eve's leg and then tags to Alicia, who does much of the same.  For some unknown reason, Eve completely shrugs this off and tags Kelly Kelly, who hits two horrible clotheslines and her swinging head scissors, which, if you pay attention, has Alicia doing all the work.  Kelly just tucks her arms and lets Alicia swing her around like the useless sack of potatoes she (Kelly) is.  Kelly then follows up two crappy moves with her equally crappy handspring…err, elbow, that really is just her bouncing backwards into Alicia who has to move into position.  This match is really terrible, even by divas standards.  Kelly then hits a FrankenBimbo on Alicia, but Katie Lea makes the save.

 

Before I continue…they won't let anyone in the WWE do a piledriver, but they'll let Kelly Kelly do a FrankenSteiner?  You have GOT to be kidding me.  Rant over, back to the match.

 

Eve runs over to stop Katie Lea, but Katie's having none of that.  Kelly, however, weakly shoves Katie Lea, who flies out of the ring as if she's been shot out of a cannon.  Alicia sneaks up on Kelly, but Kelly's having none of it.  She kick's Alicia and goes for a cross body off the top rope.  Alicia, however, rolls through and gets the pin.

 

Winners:  Alicia Fox and Katie Lea Burchill (for a change)

 

Rating: 

 

Man, watching Kelly Kelly is BRUTAL.  She is terrible.  Alicia Fox needs to pray to whatever deity she believes in, because she survived that performance and can still walk.

 

Wow, the main event is John Morrison, Matt Hardy, and The Great Khali vs. The Hart Dynasty and Drew McIntyre.  Hmmmmm…someone in this group doesn't belong.  And one is eating and tanning his way out of it pretty quickly…I'll let you figure that brain teaser out.

 

Evan Bourne vs. Carlito

 

Wow, this has every reason to be a really good match.  I hope I'm right.

 

Quick knee lift and punches from Carlito to start.  Bourne quickly stops Carlito by hitting a trifecta of kicks to the back of Carlito's leg.  Bourne tries a charge in the corner, but Carlito moves.  Bourne leaps from the ropes and hits a rolling armdrag, which he follows with a drop toe hold and a low dropkick.  Bourne hits another kick, but is dropkicked by Carlito out of an Irish whip off the ropes.  Carlito stalks Bourne, hits a slam, and follows with an elbow drop.  Carlito continues to dole out the punishment in the form of a chinlock.  Bourne fights out and hits a nice head scissors on Carlito and follows up with another nice low dropkick.  Carlito rolls to the outside, but Bourne follows with a inside-out splash.  Carlito moves, but Bourne lands on his feet!  Carlito tries for a clothesline, but Bourne moves and hits a VICIOUS-LOOKING leaping knee that looks like it knocks Carlito's chin up into his afro.  Carlito, rightfully, sells this move like he's dead.  Bourne drags the lifeless body of Carlito into the ring and heads up to the top for the SSP, but Carlito groggily rolls out of the way and out of the ring.  Carlito still looks dazed as we head to commercial.  See, Kane, Mark Henry, John Cena, and Randy Orton…it's called "selling!"  Try it sometime!

 

We return, and Carlito Irish whips Bourne to the corner, only to get head scissored on the way out.  Bourne follows that with his leaping forearm-elbow-clothesline move.  Bourne hits another kick as Carlito puts his head down, but as Bourne bounces off the ropes, Carlito hits a BIIIIIG boot on Bourne.  Carlito goes for a pin, but Bourne kicks out at about 2.875.  Both men are selling like they're actually hurt by the moves that have been performed on them.  What a wicked concept!  Carlito props Bourne in the corner and proceeds to stomp a mudhole in him.  The referee steps in and stops Carlito, who follows up the offense by stunning Bourne under the bottom rope.  Another pin attempt by Carlito gets 2.67.  Carlito clamps on a painful-looking hold from which Bourne quickly escapes.  Evan's momentum is short lived, as Carlito kicks him in the gut and hit a quick rolling neckbreaker.  After another failed pin, Carlito angrily locks in a camel-clutch-type hold with his knee in Bourne's back.  Bourne escapes, only to have Carlito hit a springboard elbow off the second rope.  Yet ANOTHER failed pin is clearly pissing off the supposedly cool Caribbean.  Carlito locks the arm wrenching hold in again, and again Bourne escapes.  Carlito tries to kick Bourne again, but Bourne catches the foot.  Carlito shoves Bourne into the ropes, and Bourne hits a NICE double knee press to the chest of Carlito.  A version of that move used to be Battle Kat's finisher!!  Bourne follows with a pin attempt, but can only manage 2.85.  Bourne tries to follow with another kick, but Carlito ducks and rolls him up for two and a half.  Carlito tries to follow with his knee lift-clothesline combo, but Bourne ducks and locks on a crucifix that he turns into a sunset flip pin that gets two.  Bourne gets up and walks right into a seated spinebuster that literally gets a 2.992 count.  This match is AWESOME. 

 

Both men are rightfully exhausted.  Bourne rolls to the apron, and Carlito stalks over to attempt an inside-out suplex.  At the height of the suplex, Bourne manages to knee Carlito right in his afro'd dome.  You wouldn't think that would hurt, but whatever.  Bourne follows that up with a WICKED kick to the side of Carlito's head.  Bourne mounts the ropes for another SSP attempt, but Carlito makes a desperation dive to stop him.  Carlito heads the second turnbuckle to try for a superplex, but Bourne blocks it and hits a SUNSET FLIP POWERBOMB!!!  Dear God, this match has been fantastic.  Bourne climbs the turnbuckles for the third time and hits the SSP FOR THE WIN!!

 

Winner:  Evan Bourne and every single person who watched that match

 

Rating: 

 

Seriously, that match was better than EVERY SINGLE MATCH on the Royal Rumble card.  I would wager that it's going to be better than most of the matches on the Wrestlemania card, as well (CoughcoughCenaBatistacoughcough).  Kudos to both of these guys, who are essentially going nowhere in the current WWE environment.  Awesome, isn't it?

 

The Great Khali, Matt Hardy, and John Morrison vs. The Hart Dynasty and Drew McIntyre

 

Seriously, these guys should get on the microphone, admit that this match isn't going to be nearly as good as the last one, and just leave.  Seriously.

 

BillCosbyDancing.jpg Bill Cosby Dancing image by d00ltazThe face team proves my pervious statement by dancing…which to them is just bobbing their hands up and down.  Seriously, Bill Cosby had a better dance repertoire than these three (four if you count the interpreter guy) buffoons.  It's a shame that John Morrison has to do this.

 

Hardy and Kidd start things off.  Both men work the arm for a few seconds before Matt hits the slowest "flying" clothesline I've ever seen.  After tiring himself out with that fast-paced offense, Hardy tags Morrison, and the two hit some decent double team moves.  Kidd manages a cheap shot out of the corner, which he follows with a series of kicks and a tag to McIntyre.  Drew gets a few shots in before Morrison kicks him and hits some mounted punches.

 

Morrison tags to Kahli, who hits a headbutt on an attacking McIntyre.  Khali follows that with a clothesline, a boot to an interfering Tyson Kidd, and an open-hand chop to McIntyre.  Khali hoists McIntyre into what looks like a side slam, but Khali tags Hardy and the two men channel the spirits of Demolition as Hardy hits a slo-mo second rope elbow.

 

Hardy senses victory, so he locks in…a side headlock?  Seriously?  What I didn't notice is that DH Smith is distracting the ref, so Kidd can hit a kick to the back of Hardy's head, which sends him into a kick by McIntyre.  McIntyre tags to Smith, who hits approximately 5,000 kicks on Hardy before taunting the face team.  Smith hits an elbow and a suplex and follows it with…some commercials?  Odd place to break things up, but…

 

We're back, and Smith has a rear headlock clamped on that Hardy quickly escapes from with a side Russian leg sweep.  Hardy makes the tag to Morrison; Smith tags Tyson Kidd.  After hitting a few basic moves, Morrison is distracted by McIntyre, allowing Kidd to get a shot in.  However, as Kidd comes off the ropes, Morrison manages to pop him with a cool-looking sit down powerbomb.  Smith tries to distract Morrison, but it doesn’t work.  Morrison with an Irish whip that doesn't end well, as Kidd tosses him to the outside.  On the outside, Drew McIntyre punishes Morrison.  Inside, Smith gets the tag and hits a NICE set of three belly-to-belly suplexes.  That was actually really cool.  Why doesn't he get to do actual moves more often?  Smith tries to follow up with a powerslam, but Morrison escapes and hits his breakdancing Pele flip kick to even the score.  Hardy hits a pair of clotheslines and a bulldog, and follows with a Side Effect off of a whiffed clothesline by DH Smith.  The heels break up a pin attempt, then pop Khali on his sizable noggin.  The three heels then decide to hit the Hart Attack 2.0, but Khali recovers in time to trip up Kidd and McIntyre.  Hardy hits a distracted Smith with a Twist of Fate (I think Khali may have punched him beforehand).  Hardy tags Khali in so he can hit the Punjabi Plunge (which is also called The Generic Two-Handed Chokeslam that Every Big Talentless Guy in the WWE(F) Has Ever Done) for the win.

 

Winners:  Matt Hardy, The Great Khali, and John Morrison

 

Rating: 

 

That match was slightly better than average.  I think I'm rounding up because the Carlito/Evan Bourne match has made me feel all happy inside.

 

The awards this week are perhaps the easiest one to give out EVER.

 

The Golden Batarang Award:  Carlito and Evan Bourne put on the best match I've seen on Superstars.  Seriously, that was a great match.

 

The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:  Kelly Kelly…`nuff said.

 

That's all for this week folks, see you next week for 45 to 60 minutes of sports entertainment-related hijinks!!

 

 

"Great" Scott's WWE Superstars Recap for January 28, 2010

 

Welcome back, ladies and gentlemen.  "Great" Scott is back to is back, playing his roll as mommy bird by watching crappy wrestling and throwing it up in your collective throats.

 

Before we get started, let me give you my "Great" Scott's top ten list of the week.  This week it's…

 

Top Ten Worst Movies I Can Remember Seeing (In No Particular Order)

 

         Must Love Dogs – Horrible chick flick.

         Foot Fist Way – Like Napoleon Dynamite, but unfunny.

         Syriana – One of the few movies I couldn't watch all the way through.

         The Night Listener – A Robin Williams stinker you probably haven't heard of…which isn't necessarily a bad thing.

         Transformers – Ruined one of my favorite childhood memories.

         Fight Club – Yeah, I know this is an unpopular pick, but I hated the ending…and most of the rest of the movie.

         Fargo – Long, boring, and over-reliant on making funny of accents.

         The Big Lebowski – I'm no choir boy, but John Goodman was off-putting.  I am convinced people say they like this movie to attempt to impress other people.

         Because I Said So – Another horrible chick flick...avoid it!

         Meet The Parents – I'm sorry, but this movie was predictable and stupid. 

 

Speaking of predictable and stupid, let's get to the evening's opening bout.

 

The Bella Twins vs. Jillian Hall and Katie Lea Burchill

 

Oh boy, the Bellas are dressed the same…but not because they're going to switch places at some point during the match.  Also, it sucks that the two women with talent are going to lose this one.

 

Brie Bella starts with Katie Lea, who is looking great, as always.  This lasts all of about ten seconds before the Bella tags out.  The Bella twins actually perform a good double team move, followed by a failed pin attempt by Nikki.  Her momentum doesn't last long, as Katie Lea backs the Bella to her corner and tags Jillian.  Jillian quickly performs the generic diva throw by the hair and follows that up with a ridiculous-looking arm bar kinda' thing.  Jillian tries to charge the Bella in the corner, but eats an elbow instead.  Not one to give up, Jillian charges again, and eats a boot this time.  Nikki climbs the ropes and hits a flying cross body that gets a two count.  The  Bellas make another tag and perform another non-offensive double team move.  These two might not be as talentless as I thought.  Brie performs an awkward headlock takedown and sends Jillian to the corner.  It looks like she's going to perform a monkey flip, but Katie Lea's there for the distraction and Jillian tosses the Bella.  Jillian goes full heel with the rope choke and then tags Katie Lea, who locks on a camel clutch.  Katie Lea catches the Bella in an attempted cross body and hits a nice spinning backbreaker.  Katie Lea gets a few more shots in before sending the Bella to the corner.  Unfortunately, Brie scoots out of the way of a charge and makes the tag.  Bella sister is a HOUSE OF FIYAH!  She hits a pair of dropkicks, and then pops Jillian for good measure.  Nikki hits a monkey flip out of the corner and the Mr. Perfect flip over neck snap, earning her points in my book.  Nikki goes for the pin, but doesn't get the victory.  Katie Lea tries to fight back, but Nikki leaps on her shoulders and rolls her over for a pin attempt.  Jillian tries to make the save, but is taken out by the other Bella.  Wow, a victory that didn't involve the old switcheroo.

 

Winners:  The Bella Twins

 

Rating: 

 

Yeah, I'm actually going to give that three Riddlers.  That was actually a very watchable match.  It also helps when the Bellas don't pull any of the Conquistadors' old tricks…even though they were wearing gold outfits, just like the awesome 80s tag team.

 

Wow, the next match actually has implications!  Holy cow…I'm recapping a show that means something for once!!  I don't know what to do with myself…I will, however, whip out the larger font!

 

Triple Threat Match–Winner Gets a Spot to be Fodder in the Royal Rumble

 

Chavo Guerrero vs. Primo vs. Chris Masters

 

Another pretty predictable match, Masters is the favorite, but Chavo would make for a funnier entrant, like Santino…sorry, Primo, you stand no chance whatsoever.

 

A cluster to start is followed by Masters taking control.  He tries to press slam Chavo, but Primo kicks his leg out of his leg and Chavo falls on top of Masters.  Chavo breaks up the pin and tries for one himself.  The two argue, and Chavo goes all heel on him.  The two cruiserweights get a cool spot in before Masters reasserts himself with a double clothesline.  Masters tries to pin both men before Chavo gets some shots in.  Chavo, genius that he is, starts to play to the crowd, which allows Masters to destroy him in the corner.  Chavo looks like he's going to make a comeback, but Masters hits a powerslam and goes for a pin, which is broken up by Primo.  Masters and Primo go at it, with Primo hitting a nice flying head scissors on the man with the dancing pecs.  Primo tries to follow up with a springboard body press, but Masters (sloppily) catches him and tries to lock on the MasterLock.  Chavo tries to make the save with what looks to be a double axhandle off the ropes, but Masters catches him in the full nelson instead.  Primo saves the day with a jumping knee lift that sends Masters to the floor.  Primo tries to hit a flying spear on Chavo, by Chavo moves, and Primo launches out of the ring onto Masters.  This match is actually pretty darned good.  Chavo sneaks to the top rope and leaps to the outside to hit both men with a flying splash.  This lays all three men out, giving us a chance to watch some commercials.

 

Back from commercials, Chavo has Primo in a top overhand wristlock while Chris Masters looks to be having a heart attack outside the ring…that "cardio" stuff you've heard about really does work; you should give it a try, Chris.

 

Primo finally punches out, but Chavo hits a drop toe hold and a rolling senton.  He continues on the offense, and hits a knee on Masters, who had finally made it up onto the apron.  Primo manages to hit a drop kick on the distracted Chavo, and this match has grinded to a halt.  The two guys in the ring start to exchange punches and forearms, with Primo finally gaining the upper hand with a flying back elbow.  He follows up with a clothesline and dropkick.  Masters tries to get involved, but Primo hits a side Russian leg sweep.  Masters tries to get back into it, but Primo drops his neck over the top rope.  Chavo gets up, so Primo tries to hit a leaping Tatanka chop.  Chavo, however, kicks him and hits the Three Amigos.  On the third Amigo (perhaps Dusty Bottoms this time), Primo rolls Chavo up.  Chavo kicks out, and the two fart around long enough for Masters to get up and try for the MasterLock on Chavo.  Primo tries to make the save, but Masters pulls Chavo down and Primo goes WAAAAAAAAY high and to the outside.  Inside, Chavo slips out of the MasterLock, but Masters cleverly grabs him and locks the hold back on.  Chavo zonks out moments later.  Congrats, Chris, you and your pecs have earned a shot to be tossed out of the ring by someone way more popular!!

 

Winner:  Chris Masters

 

Rating: 

 

That match was really pretty good…considering 33 percent of it was Chris Masters…maybe he's not a total waste of space after all.

 

The main even tonight is Matt Hardy and David Hart Smith?  Ummm…I think the triple threat match that actually had some sort of repercussions should've maybe been the main event instead of the stinker that Hardy vs. Smith will most likely be.  I guess we'll see.  I can hardly wait.

 

After the match, we get a video package where the WWE tries to make us care about a main event involving Matt Hardy.  Apparently, he's tagging with The Great Khali now…talk about a shallow tag division.  I love how the WWE continues to bury their only legitimately talented tag team.  Whatever.

 

David Hart Smith (with Natalya and Tyson Kidd) vs. Matt Hardy (with The Great Kahli, that stupid translator guy, and an ample gut)

 

I've got…The Great Khali and Matt Hardy can be The Punjabi Giant and the Pudgy Midget.  You're welcome, WWE. 

 

Chain wrestling and crappy announcing to start, as Todd Grisham explains what the key emblem on Matt Hardy's tights mean (I thought that was the key to the local Jack in the Box).  After what seems like an eternity, Smith backs Hardy to the corner and tries a cheap shot.  Hardy blocks and goes on the offensive.  Hardy decides that Smith is sufficiently beaten after two shitty punches, so he goes for the Twist of Fate.  Surprisingly, Smith escapes and rolls out of the ring.  Hardy, impatient man that he is, hits a baseball slide dropkick that sends Smith into the announce table.  Hardy climbs to the top rope, but Natalya and Tyson Kidd realize that if he leaps, the entire building might tumble, so they stand in front of Smith.  The Great Khali, realizing he's getting paid to do something, waddles over to scare off the evil Canadians.  With all of this action, we need to take a commercial break!

 

We're back, and DH Smith is in control.  He's cleverly working the arm of Matt Hardy.  While the referee is scolding Smith, Natalya is nice enough to kill a fly that's on Matt Hardy's face.  That was sweet of her!  Smith continues to work the arm, but fails at two corner charges (I'm seeing a theme tonight).  Hardy hits a second rope elbow drop and a bulldog-esque move.  Hardy hits a clothesline in the corner and then goes for a bulldog (switching arms mid-move because he remembers that he's supposed to sell the injury…nice job, Matt).  Hardy signals for something (the Twist of Fate I assume), but Smith escapes, only to be hit with the Side Effect.  As always, that move doesn't get the win.  Hardy goes to the corner, but Natalya distracts the ref, allowing Kidd to yank Matt's arm over the top rope, which allows Smith to hit a big boot for the win.

 

Winner:  DH Smith

 

Rating: 

 

That match was okay…nothing to write home about.

 

After the match, the Great Khali comes in and cleans house.  Then he dances…which burns my retinas.  Khali then shows what a great partner he is by tossing Matt Hardy out of the ring.  Oh boy, the prospect of a Matt Hardy/Great Khali feud makes me want to purchase the Royal Rumble!! 

 

Before I take my leave, let me dole out some awards.

 

The Golden Batarang Award:  The show was decent, overall.  If I had to single out something, I'd say the triple threat match.

 

The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:  The main event shouldn't have been the main event, and Khali and Hardy shouldn't be a tag team at all, much less having Khali turn on Matt…who cares?

 

Have a good week…I'll see you all after the Royal Rumble!

 

 

SEND FEEDBACK TO  GREAT SCOTT.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).