Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

 

"Great" Scott's WWE Superstars Recap for January 14, 2007

 

Hello, readers!  I need to apologize again for getting this update out so late, but it takes me so long to edit the damned things that I can't finish it for a few days.  I'm also a super-famous, super-busy celebrity, so it's tough for me to make time in my busy schedule to work on these piddly updates…okay, maybe not.

 

Nevertheless, I'm back, and I have wonderful update for you.  We're going to start with the promised "Great" Scott's "10 Greatest [Insert Rest of Sentence Here] List."  This week's list idea is brought to you by "Great" Scott loyalist, Mr. J.

 

10 Things the WWE Can Do To Make the Divas More Watchable

 

10. Stop fooling themselves into thinking that their programming should be PG.  This will make the rest of my action items more achievable.

9.   Split the Divas into two groups: Divas With Talent (in-ring or on the mic, such as Mickie James, Gail Kim, or Katie Lea Burchill) and Divas Sans Talent, but Who's Smoking Hot (Tiffany and the Bella twins).

8.   Get rid of any diva who doesn't fit into either of those two categories. (Michelle McCool, I'm looking at you…)

7.   Get rid of one of the Divas titles.

6.   Have a Diva Sans Talent come out in a bikini or lingerie with any un-watchable wrestler (like The Great Khali or Vance Archer) and keep the camera on the Diva 85 percent of the match.

5.   Make the PPVs R-rated and have at least one of the Divas Sans Talent lose or remove her top at some point.

4.   Never air another segment of Ask a Diva again…or use real questions and real answers.  Oh, and make it ad-libbed.  For example, have them take a question out of a bin.  And don't censor the answers.

3.   Only allow talented Divas to wrestle, and don't force them into stupid gimmicky matches…that's what the Divas Sans Talent are for!

2.   Don't shoehorn Divas into roles just because you're paying them (such as ring announcers or general managers).

1.  Make sure Divas that you intend to have wrestle can actually do so (Kelly Kelly) before they end up killing someone.

 

Okay, now that I've fixed the Diva division, let's get on to our opening match.

 

Primo and Gail Kim vs. Chavo Guerrero and Jillian Hall

 

Way to help support my top ten list, WWE!  These are two women who are actually relatively talented…Jillian Hall isn't going to be Trish Stratus anytime soon, but she isn't likely to by like Kelly Kelly and kill kill someone, either.

 

The match begins, and I'm pretty sure I can figure out who's going to win this one.  The men start out, with Primo getting the duke early with a big shoulderblock.  Chavo tries to regain control, but Primo hits a hip toss and an arm drag to maintain the momentum.  Chavo back Primo to the ropes and connects with a knee and a series of punches as Primo falls into the corner.  Jillian participates by kicking Primo while he's down…typical woman.  Chavo continues the assault until Primo hits a pair of dropkicks that send Chavo crawling to his corner.  Jillian gives Chavo a motherly pat on the back as Chavo hugs her.  The heels have a conference and decide that Jillian needs to lock up with Gail Kim, and the tags are made.  For some reason, Primo doesn't want to make the tag, so Jillian tries to sneak attack him, which results in her getting jacked by Gail Kim.  Gail gets in the ring and hits a pair of clotheslines and a leaping clothesline in the corner.  She tries to follow up with her cool spear in the corner, but Jillian moves.  Ms. Kim, meet Mr. Ring Post.  Gail Kim sells like Randy Orton and immediately ducks a punch on the apron and climbs to the top rope.  Chavo, however, distracts Gail, allowing Jillian to knock her off the top.  Jillian flings Gail off the top rope by her hair and goes for a pin.  When she doesn't get the win, Jillian screams like a seagull at Little Naitch.  Jillian maintains control by ramming the back of Gail's head into her knee.  Jillian continues to dominate until she goes for a screaming flip-type move and Gail gets her knees up.  Jillian tags Chavo, but Primo doesn't instantly get in the ring.  Man, someone should've briefed this guy before the match.  Gail dives (for no reason) to make the tag, bringing in Primo…who is a house of fiy-ah!!  Primo hits a Tatanka chop, leaping elbow, clothesline, and a springboard bodypress, which is three moves more than Randy Orton does in a given match.  After a series of reversals, Chavo manages to hit two of the Three Amigos, but when he gets to Ned Nederlander, Primo pulls an El Guapo and stops that shit cold.  However, when Primo tries to capitalize, Chavo pops him with a forearm and goes for a pin.  Gail Kim makes the save!!  Jillian sorta' pointlessly stumbles in, and Gail sidesteps and tosses her out of the ring.  Chavo grabs Gail and threatens to do, what I can only assume, are terrible things to her.  Gail, clever woman that she is, puts her foot against Chavo's face and hits her finisher (which I believe is called the Chop Stick My Foot In Your Face and Fall Backwards), which causes Chavo to stumble right into a roll up by Primo.

 

Winners:  Primo and Gail Kim

 

Rating: 

 

That match was just fine.  Not great, but a pretty clever finish makes it about average.  Unfortunately, Chavo's win streak ends at one match…bummer.

 

Have I mentioned that Gail Kim is SMOKING hot?  She is.

 

The main event is Christian vs. William Regal…might be good.

 

The Royal Rumble is coming up.  I'm getting the PPV only because my buddies and I play a cool game…we each put $5 in a pot (totaling $30-$40) and pick the numbers 1 through 30 out of a hat.  For example, if there are six of us, we each get to pick five numbers.  Those five spots are our "team."  We get points for the following:

 

   Eliminating someone: 3 points

   Being a "mystery entrant:" 3 points

   Lasting until the final four: 5 points

   Lasting the longest: 5 points

   Winning the Rumble: 10 points

   Getting eliminated before the next participant enters (or not entering the ring at all):  -3 points

 

You can add points however you please, but it definitely makes the Rumble more exciting.  You can also have an actual draft, but we figure the random picking makes it a little more exciting.

 

Carlito (with apple) vs. Chris Masters (with Eve Torres)

 

Question: Who's coming out to the ring with the smarter living thing, Carlito or Masters?

 

Carlito starts by spitting his apple in Masters' face.  Masters responds by beating the crap out of Carlito, who retreats to the outside.  Masters follows, but Carlito cleverly rams his back to the post.  Carlito takes control with kicks, punches, and a rest hold.  He follows with a slam, an elbow drop, and a pin attempt.  Carlito returns to the rest hold, from which Masters escapes with a wicked clothesline that almost knocks Carlito's Sideshow Bob wig off.  Masters follows with another clothesline and a biiiiiig back bodydrop.  Masters continues the assault with a press slam and a caveman-esque yell.  Carlito, however, reverses a corner charge and dropkicks Masters in the back.  Carlito smirks and charges Masters, who moves out of the way.  Carlito crotches himself on the middle turnbuckle, in perfect position for Masters to lock on the MasterLock.  Carlito fails to break the hold…

 

Winner:  Chris Masters

 

Rating: 

 

That wasn't a bad match, considering it involved Chris Masters.  I've seen worse.  The dancing pecs almost lowered the score, but I'm feeling generous.

 

The Ask a Diva section is up next…and I die a little inside.  The WWE needs to read my list!!

 

Slam Master J and Jimmy Wang Yang vs. Mike Knox and Charlie Haas

 

Well, the upside of this match is that one of these teams has to win…which I believe will be a first.  Let's see how long it takes for these dork announcers to use the word "kinesthesiology" or some variation of it.

 

Haas and SMJ start things off quickly, but Knox tags in when Haas kicks SMJ in the midsection.  Knox hits his cross (LOTS OF) body, which isn't as cool as the first time he did it.  Knox follows by punching Yang off the apron.  SMJ kicks out of a pin attempt by Knox.  The announcers must read this column, because they dance all around the K-word without actually saying it.  Knox tags Haas, who continues the beatdown on SMJ.  Haas locks on a nice-looking half nelson, but SMJ punches his way out.  Haas, however, maintains control by locking in a cobra clutch and turning it into a back breaker.  Haas tags to Knox, who comes in with a big knee drop.  The guy can certainly get his larger-than-average body up in the air.  Knox clamps on a chinlock, which would be more effective if he tried to suffocate SMJ with his beard…just a suggestion.  Knox prevents a SMJ comeback by pounding the smaller man and tagging out to Charlie Haas.  Haas locks in a front facelock, but is distracted by Yang.  Haas takes a swipe at him, but misses, which allows SMJ to back body drop Haas and make the tag.  Yang enters the ring with a hiiiiiigh flying body press and a forearm shot for Knox on the apron.  He hits some nice kicks on Haas, but can't get the pin because Knox interferes.  A double dropkick from the faces sends Knox to the outside.  SMJ takes out Knox with a flying body press to the outside, while Haas and Yang square off inside.  Yang hits an uppercut and goes for his moonsault, which actually hits!!  Wow, I believe some swine just flew past my window…

 

Winners:  Slam Master J and Jimmy Wang Yang

 

Rating: 

 

I'm giving this three Frank Gorshins mostly for the outcome.  It's good to see a redneck who's posing as a rapper and an Asian who's posing as a redneck get a win.  Good for them!

 

Now it’s time for the main event!!

 

Christian vs. William Regal (with Ezekiel Jackson)

 

The two competitors tie up to start, with Christian backing Regal to the corner.  The ref gets a clean break and both men start over.  Each man gets in a takedown, and then Christian turns a side headlock into a top overhand wristlock that Regal bridges and escapes from.  Christian tries to turn the tables, but Regal takes him over by the wrist.  Christian escapes, but Regal hits a knee and a European uppercut.  Christian regains control with a flurry of offense that ends in a pin attempt.  Regal gets up and hits a few shots.  The two exchange moves before Zeke tries to get involved twice, which wins him an all expenses paid trip to the locker room.  Congratulations, Zeke!!  This occasion is so special that we need to go to some commercials.

 

When we return, each man gets a few shots in, but Christian tries to go to the second rope to hit what looks like a spinning DDT, but Regal just say funk `dat and shoves him to the outside.  Christian takes a wicked-looking bump on the way out, but he makes it back in.  Regal drops an elbow, and then locks on a cross-armed chinlock.  Regal maintains control with typical heel tactics, but loses control when he puts Christian on the second rope.  Christian fights out and hits a big cross body block.  He goes to town on Regal and hits a missile dropkick off the top rope.  He goes to the top again, but misses a flying headbutt.  Christian gets up and tries to hit the Kill Switch, but Regal hits a half nelson suplex that turns Christian inside out.  Regal stalks Christian, waiting to hit the running knee lift, but Christian moves.  As Regal tries to recover, Christian hits a mule kick and goes for a sunset flip off the second rope.  Regal sits down on him and tries to grab the ropes to get the pin, but the ref sees it.  As Regal argues with the ref, Christian tries for his finisher again, but Regal escapes and locks on the Regal Stretch.  Christian elbows out, but walks right into a Regal forearm.  Regal goes for a double underhook suplex or powerbomb, but Christian reverses it into the Kill Switch for the win.

 

Winner:  Christian

 

Rating:  

 

That was a pretty good match.  It was well-paced and much better than anything you’ll normally see on Superstars.  Not Hart vs. Hennig, but it’ll do for a third-string TV show.

 

Now that the show’s over, let’s hand out some awards.

 

The Golden Batarang Award:  The main event was good stuff.

 

The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:  The misuse of Charlie Haas still pisses me off.  Jobbing to “Slam Master J” and Jimmy Wang is the ultimate insult.

 

That’s all for this week’s show, now on to…

 

“Great” Scott’s WWE Superstars Recap for January 21, 2010

 

Hello, gang.  We’re only ten days away from the Royal Rumble, with a bunch of matches that are way worse than they should be!!  Come on, big Zeke instead of CM Punk?  Orton instead of Kofi Kingston?  Argh.  Anyway, let me get to my “Great” Scott’s Top Ten list of the week and then we’ll get to this week’s most likely mediocre show!

This week, I’ll present you with…

 

“Great” Scott’s Top 10 WWE Superstars or Teams He’s Embarrassed to Admit He Likes

 

10. Big Bully Busick – His turtleneck, his mustache, and his awesome stump puller finisher were a deadly trifecta.

9.  The Beverly Brothers – Anyone managed by The Genius was automatically awesome.

8.  The Mountie – Nothing was funnier than the fake cattle prod with the pumped-in electricity sound.

7.  The Quebecers – We’re NOT the Mounties!!

6.  Battle Kat – YouTube his match again The Barbarian…greatness.

5.  The Hurricane and Rosie – Come on, Super Hero In Training?  Genius!

4.  Pirate Paul Burchill – He was worth watching for his finisher alone.

3.  Rick “The Model” Martel – Martel made this gimmick hysterical.

2.  Repo Man – Barry Darsow turned this into an Oscar-winning role.

1.  Bastion Booger – Come on, the guy’s music was burping and snorting snot.

 

Jillian vs. Kelly Kelly

 

You can see Jillian’s granny bra under her top…sexy.  I must admit, Jillian actually makes me laugh…and she is definitely a good heel diva…on the mic.  Wrestling-wise, she can still use some work.

 

Unfortunately, we interrupt what is actually pretty funny with someone who’s hot, but has zilch-o talent.

 

Okay, let’s get this mess started.  A tie-up and a knee from Jillian.  She continues the offense with a wristlock.  Kelly very slowly goes through her rehearsed offense, but is flattened by a Jillian clothesline.  Jillian performs Diva Move #4 by tossing Kelly Kelly by her hair.  She maintains control by sticking a knee in the back of Kelly Kelly.  A pin attempt gets 2.  Finally, Kelly escapes and hits a pair of horrible clothesline and her “gotta’ use it every match” flying head scissors.  Kelly tries to do a roll forward pin, but Jillian sits on her, but can’t get the win.  Jillian whips Kelly Kelly to the corner, but gets booted in the back on the way in.  Kelly hits her stand-on-the-back leg drop to the back of Jillian’s head (the cleverly named “Kelly Kick”…that technically is a leg drop, not a kick) to get the win.

 

Winner:  Kelly Kelly

 

Rating: 

 

Not offensive, but boring and pretty much the same as any other Kelly Kelly match.  At least Jillian escaped it without getting crippled or killed.

 

These stupid Burger King man-baby commercials actually succeed in being more creepy than the shitty king commercials.

 

If you think Emmitt Smith’s beard is weird, talk to Mike Knox!

 

Shelton Benjamin vs. Vance Archer

 

Well, here we go…I still refuse to do my play-by-play during Vance Archer matches…the guy is a crotch goblin.  However, start your timer and let’s see how long it takes the toolbox announcers to say “masterpiece of agony.”  Oops…Archer doesn’t get halfway down the ramp before BOTH announcers say their shitty catchphrase.

 

Before the commercials, about 300 punches are thrown, Archer botches a shoulder block, and neither guy does anything worthwhile.

 

After the commercials, restholds galore, super-basic offense that is so boring that the one tool announcer makes fun of Josh Matthews for seeming bored, a great spinning heel kick by Benjamin, a cool kick out of the tree of woe by Benajmin and a roll up (outta’ nowhere!) for the win.

 

Winner:  Shelton Benjamin

 

Rating: 

 

That match was actually not horrible.  I’ll throw in an extra half Frank Gorshin because the right guy won.  Perhaps this is the beginning of some sorta’ push for Benjamin and the begnning of the end for Douche McSucksalot…who essentially has the moveset of a guy in the old Pro Wrestling video game for the Nintendo.  Hmmm….maybe next week we’ll see…

 

Back brain kick, anyone?

 

We have the Ask a Divas segment next, which, as always, is dominated by the awesomeness of Katie Lea Burchill.  She is great.  I’ve noticed that we don’t see Michelle McCool on here…but I’m not complaining.

 

The Marine 2 really looks like a cold shit sandwich.  I can’t believe they think Ted Dibiase is a marketable action hero.  Wouldn’t it be funny to put Kofi Kingston in there?  Or Great Khali?  At least he’s been in two movies that didn’t go straight to DVD (The Longest Yard and Get Smart).

 

Hot Tub Time Machine?  Seriously?

 

Video package for The Miz.  I have to admit, this guy might not be Bret Hart in the wrestling ability talent, but the guy’s got a better moveset and a more defined personality than “Eskimo Kissing is INTENSITY” Randy Orton.

 

After a quick plug for the Royal Rumble, we head to our main event.

 

Chris Jericho vs. Kane

 

The booking of this match makes no sense whatsoever.  I’m still not sure what direction they’re sending either of these guys, but anyone who thinks they know what the WWE bookers are doing is sadly mistaken.

 

How can the Best of RAW DVD have Randy Orton on the cover?  Isn’t that an oxymoron?  Or at least a moron?  Whatever.

 

I’m sure many of Chris Jericho’s moves will be sold tonight…let’s see Kane make a liar out of me.

 

Jericho looks terrified to start.  He runs away instead of locking up with the Big Red Monster.  The two finally tie up, and Jericho is tossed like a sack of potatoes.  He decides to take another break, but gets back in eventually.  Jericho ducks a tieup and smacks Kane, which of course earns him an ass beating.  Jericho hits a cheap shop, some punches, and a kick, but Kane no sells and wallops him.  Kane follows with a seated dropkick that gets 2.8.  Kane works the arm as Matt Striker insults his broadcast partner.  Jericho finally makes the ropes, which allows him to get some shots and a dropkick in.  Jericho begins to taunt the crowd, which of course allows Kane to go back on the offensive with a series of punches.  Kane charges Jercho, but he low bridges the Big Red Monster, sending him to the outside.  Jericho hits his patented inside-out dropkick as we go to commercials.

 

I heard that Bones was supposed to be about DeForest Kelley, but he died…

 

These Rent-a-Center commercials remind me of a really inappropriate joke…never mind.

 

We’re back, and Chris Jericho is actually WINNING!??!  Well, I’ll be damned.

 

Jericho mounts the turnbuckles and starts to punch Kane, but is quickly pushed off.  Jericho decided to taunt again, and Kane goes back on the attack with some punches.  Jericho tries something off the second rope, but Kane catches him.  Kane, however, misses a corner charge and smacks the turnbuckle.  Jericho quickly starts working on Kane’s shoulder.  More taunting and basic heel offense by Jericho.  Kane clumsily escapes a rest hold, but Jericho hits a back brain kick ala Fighter Hyabusa to stay in control. (Two Pro Wrestling jokes in one recap!!  Huzzah!)  Jericho decides that he should continue to taunt the crowd, since it’s been so successful thus far.

 

Jericho locks on a sleeper, which makes Kane fall awkwardly at one point.  Jericho finnaly lifts Jericho and splats him in the corner.  Kane runs into a Jericho elbow, but Jericho is flung on a bulldog attempt.  Kane hits some punches, a corner clothesline, and a side slam that gets 2.85.  Kane quickly tries to stay on the offense with his “flying” clothesline, but Jericho dropkicks him in midair.  Jericho hits his bulldog (actually, Kane hits the mat first), but can’t hit the Lionsault.  Jericho escapes a powerslam attempt and tries to lock on the Walls of Jericho, but fails.  Jericho attempts the CodeBreaker, but fails again.  Kane goes for a chokeslam, but Jericho escapes and hauls ass up the ramp, drawing the shitty DQ.

 

Winner: Kane (by DQ)

 

Rating: 

 

That match was actually improving at the end, but I’m taking a point and a half off for the crap ending.

 

Well, there’s an hour of my life I won’t get back.  Before I head out for the evening, let me hand out my awards.

 

The Golden Batarang Award:  Kelly Kelly didn’t cripple anyone and the Vance Archer match didn’t suck out my soul.  Oh, and Shelton Benjamin won a match

 

The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:  Can’t Chris Jericho win two matches in a row?

 

 

 

SEND FEEDBACK TO  GREAT SCOTT.

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).