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"Great" Scott's ULTRA-FANTASTIC SUPER-SIZED
 WWE Superstars Recap

 

January 7, 2010

 

Hello, everyone, I know it's been a few weeks, but there was that little thing called Christmas and I really didn't feel like recapping a show that had a main event involving Vladimir Kozlov and Ezekiel Jackson.  I skipped that week's show, but I'm back, better than ever!  I actually watched the December 31 show, but I didn't have my laptop, so I'll recap that in this week's recap (with the help of Hulu).

 

This week's recap is going to be a special double-sized, new and improved edition.  I've decided to pack this week's recap with content (two recaps and some brand new features).  In edition to the new features, I'm going to do a total makeover of the theme of the recaps.  I've decided to retire the "Back to the Future" theme and go to another source of the phrase  "Great Scott"…the old timey Batman show.  However, I wasn't as much of a fan of Adam West's Batman as I was Frank Gorshin's Riddler.  That being the case, matches will now be rated on a Riddler scale (from one to five).  Here's what it'll look like:

 

 

My post-show awards will also stay with this theme.  From now on I'll be awarding the Golden Batarang Award and the Lame Ass Shark Repellent award.  If the second award is a little obscure for some of you, there was an episode of the old Batman show where the caped crusader was attacked by a shark while hanging from a rope ladder attached to a helicopter.  Not only did the shark look like a giant puppet, Batman escaped with one of the most idiotic weapons ever: shark repellent.  Even if such a thing exists, why would Batman have any handy?  I realize Batman isn't exactly realistic, but this one ranks right up there with casting Alicia Silverstone as Batgirl.

 

The final thing I'm going to change up is my recommendation of the week.  I'm tossing that out and replacing it with "Great" Scott's Top Ten List of the Week.  Since the last few weeks have inundated me with college football, I have wondered why they allow such lame names for bowl games (such as the Insight Bowl and the Liberty Bowl).  I realize most of these are named after sponsors, but The Chick-fil-a Bowl just doesn't roll off the tongue.  That being the case, I'm going to give you…

 

The Top 10 College Bowl Games That Should Exist, But Don't:

10) The Campbell's Soup Bowl

9) The Brach's Candy Bowl

8) The Kellogg's Cereal Bowl

7) The Kohler Toilet Bowl

6) The Brunswick Bowling Ball Bowl

5) The Del Monte Fruit Bowl

4) The Purina Dog Food Bowl

3) Philip Morris Tobacco Bowl

2) The Waldorf (Astoria Hotel) Salad Bowl

1) The Olive Garden Never Ending Pasta Bowl

 

I'm going to try to keep these original, so if anyone has an idea, you have a chance to get your name in my column!!  Be the envy of all your friends!!  Just send an idea for a top ten list, and I'll supply my humble opinion on the top ten things that fit your topic.

 

Now that we have all of that new stuff out of the way, let's start with the:

 

December 31 Edition of WWE Superstars

 

Melina vs. Alicia Fox

 

This should be a relatively watchable match…let's see if I'm right.

 

Long tie up starts the match, and ends with a clean break in the corner by Melina.  Alicia Fox, heel that she is, shoves Melina, and then tries for a clothesline.  Melina ducks under with a move that looks nothing like that move that Trish Stratus used to do that looked nothing like anything from the Matrix….not AT ALL…after some back and forth, Alicia Fox proves that she has a moveset more impressive than half the roster by busting out a northern lights suplex that gets a 1.1 count.  Melina bridges out and clumsily takes Alicia over with a front facelock-chokehold sorta' move.  Alicia kicks out of a pin attempt and decides to take a time out on the outside.

 

Instead of getting back in the ring, Alicia decides she's had enough of this and hauls ass…and a wonderful ass it is.  Melina gives chase, catches Alicia, and tosses her back in the ring.  Alicia, however, is as craft as a…dare I say it…fox, and kicks Melina in the stomach as she tries to get back in the ring.

 

After some down time, Alicia rolls out and tosses Melina back in the ring.  Alicia tries a pin that gets a 1.93 count.  Alicia goes to down on Melina with punches and general heel offense.  One thing that's cool about Melina is that she's so flexible, people look like they're really about to break her in half.  The one match where Beth Phoenix beats her in the back of the head with her own foot is classic.

 

Anyway, Alicia tosses Melina out of the corner by her hair and follows this up by clamping on a full nelson, but from a camel clutch position.  Alicia AGAIN bends Melina into what essentially a 90 degree angle while Melina screams in what I can only assume is agony.  As Melina tries to escape, Alicia decides to forgo the full nelson and grab a handful of Melina's face.  Damn it, that looks like it hurts.

 

Alicia gets Melina into a standing position, but the champ elbows her way out.  Unfortunately, she doesn't get far, as Alicia forearms her in the back of the head.  Alicia follows up with a backbreaker that she turns into a submission hold.  For a third time, Melina is bent in the most unnatural of ways.  She must a minx in the bedroom…err, anyway…Melina escapes by kneeing Alicia in the head a few times, and she follows up with a leg sweep and pin attempt.  Melina follows up with a drop toe hold that drapes Alicia over the middle rope.  Melina hits a running splash like the Big Boss Man used to do and Chris Jericho still does.  Melina pummels Alicia in the corner and then hits a pretty vicious-looking double knee drop to Alicia, who was wedged between the ropes.  Ouch.  Melina screams like a banshee and slams Alicia's head to the mat.  Melina maintains control until Alicia hits a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker (?!?!) that evens things up.  Both women stumble around for a bit until Melina hits the Screaming Mimi (my name for her Canadian Destroyer-like move) for the win.

 

Winner: Melina

 

Rating:     

 

That match was really pretty good…better than most men's matches, in fact.  Melina's screaming is starting to wear on me, but she's super-duper smoking hot, so I'll forgive her.

 

Ugh, the Ask a Diva segment is back…damn you, WWE.

 

Santino gets a line in the Royal Rumble commercial!!  Woo hoo!

 

Shelton Benjamin vs. Vance Archer

 

How long are we going to have to wait before someone says….oops, stop the timer.  These two announcers are complete tools…Masterpiece of Agony…come on, douchepipes.

 

This match pissed me off, so I'm only going to summarize.

 

Shelton carries 90 percent of the match, while Vance Archer uses his generic offense that rivals the offensive diversity of the Brooklyn Brawler (with the exception of a full nelson drop that is at least not a punch or a kick), and Vance Archer gets disqualified when he hangs Benjamin in the tree of woe and won't stop kicking him. 

 

Winner:  Shelton Benjamin (by DQ)

 

Rating:       

 

Let's continue to bury Shelton Benjamin while we elevate talentless tools like Vance Archer.  Seriously, this guy is a boring waste.

 

Cryme Tyme vs. Charlie Haas and Mike Knox

 

There was once a time where I thought Charlie Haas and Mike Knox looked alike…that was about 170 pounds ago. 

 

We start out with the two big men, with Shad taking control early with a side headlock.  Just like with Vance Archer and the shit about “masterpiece of agony” the announcers start in with Mike Knox being a kinesiologist, which must be Latin for “guy who loses every week.”  A pair of shoulder blocks ends in a stalemate, so Shad hoists…..Knox….and…SLAMS him.  Whew!  Shad follows up with a shoulder block from the second turnbuckle.  Shad tries for another, but he’s distracted by Charlie Haas on the apron, allowing to hit what I guess is a chop block, which is confusing, considering Knox didn’t make contact with Shad at all.

 

Knox tags Haas, who comes in and works the leg with some clever holds like a jumping spinning leglock and what looks like a reverse Boston crab.  Shad finally gets to the ropes, but Haas keeps the pressure on.  Shad tries to fight out, but Haas takes him down and tags Knox, who continues to work the knee.  Look at Mike Knox!!  Haas is back in with some stiff kicks, but Shad fights back with an elbow and a clothesline.  Both men are down, with Haas tagging first.  Finally, Shad kicks out and tags JTG.  Haas also tags in, and is immediately pummeled by JTG, while the announcers go through every stereotypical thing they think black people say (such as “get jiggy with it”).  JTG goes for a pin on Haas after hitting the Mug Shot head slam from the second rope, but Knox makes a nice save with a leg drop.  Shad clotheslines Knox out of the ring, but is then kicked in the leg by Haas.  Charlie turns around and tries for a clothesline on JTG, but misses.  This allows JTG to hit his spinning Side Effect-looking finisher for the victory.

 

Winners:  Cryme Tyme

 

Rating: 

 

That match wasn’t too bad.  It’s good to see that WWE is getting more efficient; it usually takes Haas and Knox two matches to job twice; now they’re getting it done in half the time.  I still think Haas and Benjamin should reunite…it would help reinvigorate a terrible tag team division.

 

Next on Hulu, we get a three-hour video package of Cena and Sheamus.  Fun.

 

Next, we have our main event:

 

MVP and Chris Masters vs. Carlito and Jack Swagger

 

Well, it’s good to see Chris Masters and Eve teaming up…both of them have gotten where they are because of their tits.  Nice.

 

MVP and Carlito start the match.  MVP gets a weak chant.  A tieup ends with Carlito cheapshotting MVP and kicking him in the corner.  MVP hits a horrible flying clothesline off of a reverse Irish whip and goes for a quick pin.  Carlito regains control with a knee lift and tags to Swagger.  Swagger hits a clubbing blow, a slam, and a leg drop and goes for a pin.  He keeps the momentum with a top overhand wristlock.  MVP eventually fights out and hits a clothesline, a pair of cross chops, and the Triple H knee drop-jaw breaker.  MVP signals for the Ballin’ Eblow, which hits.  Swagger rolls out of dodge, but MVP hits a flying cross body to the floor.  We go to some HULU commercials.

 

Jack Swagger video package.  More fun.

 

Bret Hart video package.  Even more fun…I don’t think I can stand the fun of all these video packages.

 

We’re back, and because of heel chicanery, Swagger is in control.  He tags to Carlito, who chokes MVP on the middle rope.  He follows in the footsteps of Swagger and works an overhand wristlock until MVP punches out.  Carlito, however, nails a picture perfect dropkick.  He tags to Swagger, who takes a cheap shot at Masters, who has yet to do anything in this match.  Swagger locks on a double chicken wing, and MVP fights out with a series of punches.  He leaps to make a tag, but Swagger prevents it, but eventually, MVP hits a belly to belly throw and makes the tag to Masters.  Swagger tags Carlito AND IT’S ON!!  Masters hits some clotheslines and decks Swagger. Carlito is distracted by MVP and runs right into a Masters’ press slam.  Masters makes his pecs dance, and then signals for the MasterLock, which he manages to apply.  Swagger interferes, but he’s locked into the MasterLock as well.  MVP gets into the picture to take out Swagger, giving Carlito the opportunity to hit the Backstabber on Masters for the win.

 

Winners:  Carlito and Jack Swagger

 

Rating: 

 

That match was pretty good, too.  I’ll round up just because the WWE let Carlito win a match.  That’s a rare occurrence these days.

 

Now that we’re at the end of the show, let’s give out or brand new awards!

 

The Golden Batarang Award:  The match was pretty good overall.  However, I’m giving the award to Melina because she’s hot.

 

The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:  Vance Archer.  I hate him.

 

You might think that my recap is over….BUT YOU’RE WRONG!!  Read on for more!!

 

January 7, 2010 Edition of WWE Superstars

 

Wow, we're fresh off one of the biggest nights in wrestling history (if you believe WWE and TNA), and I learned many things as I tried to kick my ADD into fourth gear by flipping back and forth between shows.  Here's some of what I learned:

   Maryse is officially the smartest person EVER in the WWE.  No one in the history of the federation has ever figured out that two people that look alike are going to, at some point, switch places in a match.  Give that woman the Nobel Prize!!

   If you want to make a federation more successful, hire a bunch of guys who have already driven one federation into the ground…

   No matter how good your actually in-ring main event is, it'll never be better than a skit…as long as the skit contains Hulk Hogan.

   If you have a guest host that actually knows a thing or two about wrestling, feature him in your show LESS than Bob Barker.

   A sharp kick in the nuts from any 60-plus year old man can fell any former professional wrestler.

   Bret Hart looks like he’s had some work done…

   Scott Hall looks like he has NOT had some work done…

   The Nasty Boys can still actually walk…however, I don't know if someone was off camera holding up Brian Knobbs.

   Val Venis + strip poker = RATINGS

 

That's about it…neither show was great.  However, AJ Styles and Kurt Angle put on a hell of a match…only to be trumped by the NWO's shitty skit with Mick Foley.  Seriously, though, if you could've polled the crowd and asked them if they would rather keep Jeff Hardy (assuming he can stay clean for a few weeks) or Hulk Hogan and all of his octogenarian cronies, I'm think the nod would still go to a coked-up Hardy.  

 

So, we're on to our show…I did some research on this one, and…well, I shouldn't have done the research, let's put it that way.

 

Jillian Hall vs. Gail Kim

 

I know Jillian Hall’s persona is supposed to mimic Brooke Hogan, but she’s looking more like Linda Hogan every time I see her…ugh.  Jillian decides to prematurely destroy my hearing by signing a terrible song.  Gail Kim immediately makes me feel better simply by being Gail Kim. 

The two women tie up, with Gail gaining an advantage, only to have Jillian take it back.  Jillian hits a shoulder block, but Gail trips her up and tires a pin.  The two women exchange moves, punctuated by a Gail Kim flying body press and flying head scissors.  Unfortunately, as Gail tries for a corner spear, Jillian moves and Gail ends up on the floor.  Jillian hits a side slam that gets a two count.  Jillian sends Gail to the corner, and then locks in a camel (toe) clutch, using Gail’s hair.  She turns it into a half nelson, but Gail escapes, only to get knocked off the ropes by Jillian.  It seems like Jillian can’t figure out what to do next, as Gail has hold of the bottom rope.  As Jillian tries to pull Gail off the ropes, Gail rolls her up (outta’ nowhere) for the three count.

 

Winner:  Gail Kim

 

Rating: 

 

Eh.  Gail Kim was smoking hot, but the match was bleh.  This Diva’s tournament will get good as soon as we get rid of the dead weight (Bellas, Kelly Kelly, and Jillian).

 

Jackie Chan is going to star in another movie that takes a classic pop culture staple (Karate Kid) and completely shits all over it.  Jaden Smith?  And it takes place in Asia?  Come on!!  I’m really pinning my hopes on the upcoming A-Team movie…

 

Ted DiBiase (with shitty movie career) vs. Chris Masters (with dancing pecs and Eve Torres)

 

Didn’t Eve used to hang with Cryme Tyme?  Whatever happened to that?  Whore.

DiBiase starts with some kicks and a takedown.  He begins working the leg immediately.  Masters manages to clamp on the MasterLock while in a prone position.  DiBiase makes a hasty retreat to the outside.  DiBiase takes control with a knee and then goes to an overhand wristlock.  Masters escapes and almost locks on the MasterLock a second time, but DiBiase retreats again.  Masters takes control and hits a biiig legdrop, but DiBiase regains with a clothesline and mounted punches.  DiBiase follows with a pair of elbows that look like those his dad used to deliver.  DiBiase locks on a half nelson, but Masters escapes, only to get dropkicked coming off the ropes.  A pin attempt by DiBiase gets 2.53.  Masters fights back up, but Dibiase snapmares him and kicks him in the chest.  One punch from DiBiase sends masters down.  Posing from DiBiase gets boos.  DiBiase locks yet another half nelson that Lawler can’t identify…great announcing, ace.  The two men exchange moves, with Masters gaining control with an atomic drop, some clotheslines, and a powerslam.  Masters decides that the pecs need to dance, and tries for the MasterLock twice, with DiBiase escaping the second attempt by running Masters into the corner.  DiBiase finishes things off with Dream Street.

 

Winner:  Ted DiBiase

 

Rating: 

 

That match was okay.  It was about as average as you’re going to get.

 

Yoshi Tatsu is in the back…and he’s WALKING…with GOLDUST!  He takes on Calen Croft…NEXT!

 

Who the hell is Calen Croft?  I hope I’m spelling his name right…I guess we’ll see.

 

I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again—Sleep Number Beds suck.

 

If poker were like football, football players would be dorky losers.

 

Ted DiBiase doesn’t even LOOK convincing in the commercials for The Marine 2.

 

Yoshi Tatsu (with Goldust) vs. Caylen Croft (with Trent Baretta)

 

Wow, these two guys went to Jobbers R’ Us for their tights…and they look like create-a-wrestlers that non-creative 12 year olds would create.  Croft goes right to the leg, but Tatsu regains control with some arm drags and a dropkick.  Croft, however, tosses Tatsu outside, where Goldust protects his Asian buddy.  While this goes on, we’re treated to commercials.

 

Robocop = Filet Mignon; Robocop 2 = Shit Sandwich

 

The last company I remember to admit that they sucked was Hardee’s…and they still suck.

 

We’re back, and Yoshi tries a sunset flip, but doesn’t get the win.  Croft takes control with basic offense such as kicks, choking on the ropes, and a generic suplex.  Croft locks in a chinlock while the announce team shows how completely inept and boring they are.  Goldust is painted like a cast member from Cats.  Yoshi’s back up, and he punches his way out, but Croft hits a drop toehold and an elbow to the back of Tatsu’s head.  He tries for a pin that doesn’t even get two.  Another chinlock bores me further.  Tatsu elbows out, but Croft pulls the hair and takes him down.  Croft, however, misses a knee drop, allowing Tatsu to hit some chops and kicks, finishing with a double knee in the corner, and the roll forward snapmare into a seated kick.  Croft turns the tide with a side Russian leg sweep-clothesline combo.  Croft goes to the top, but Yoshi cuts him off and goes for a hurricanrana, but Croft holds on.  A flying cross body by Croft doesn’t get it done, either.  Croft hits a modified Rude Awakening, but still doesn’t get the pin.  Yoshi tries for a go behind, Croft elbows out, but Croft whiffs on a punch. This allows Yoshi to split his melon with a kick for the victory.

 

Winner:  Yoshi Tatsu

 

Rating:  

 

That match started slowly, but really picked up steam.  Not bad at all.

 

Dorks with hair are cooler than dorks who are bald…

 

We return to a recap of Monday Night RAW.  Bret Hart looked a little like Ozzy Osbourne, but he was still pretty good on the stick.  They pretty much show the entirety of Bret’s time on television, punctuated with Vince’s nut kick of doom.  I realize that Vince thinks he needs to come out on top here, but I sure hope that’s not the way it’s going to end…

 

After the video package we head straight to our main event.

 

Finlay vs. Mike Knox

 

I wonder how much Finlay can lift, because he’s going to need to carry a 320-pound sack of crap for the next ten minutes or so…we’ll see.

 

Mike Tyson is hosting Raw, which is a step down from his Oscar-worthy performance in The Hangover.

 

Tieup to start the match, with Knox shoving Finlay’s face.  Another tieup ends with a shove by Mike Knox.  Finlay tries a go behind, but Knox gains control, only to have Finlay trip him up and start working on the arm.  Knox gets to the ropes and Finlay, aggressive brawler that he is, breaks the hold.  Finlay tries to work the arm, but Knox punches out.  Finlay looks to regain control, but Knox breaks out an early bicycle kick that sends Finlay out of the ring.  Knox follows, and the two go back and forth on the outside, culminating in a powerslam by Knox.  Nice sequence.

 

Finlay gets back in the ring at seven, only to get pummeled by Knox.  Knox slams Finlay and goes for a pin that gets precisely two.  Knox sends some knees to Finlay's back, and then crushes him in the corner.  The ref distracts Kknox enough for Finlay to get some shots in, but Knox regains control quickly.  Knox puts his knee in Finlay’s back and locks on a cobra clutch.  Finlay gets up and hits a jawbreaker and a big boot.  Knox tries a charge, but Finlay boots him again.  Finlay goes up, but Knox catches him and slams him to the corner.  The world’s slowest shoulder block is dodged by Finlay, who hits a pair of clothesline and a butt splash.  Finlay follows with a corner spear and a roll forward slam.  Finlay tosses Knox to the corner, but the wrestling lumberjack hits a cross body that isn’t as good as he’s been doing.  Knox removes the turnbuckle pad and goes to collect Finlay.  Finlay escapes a powerslam and somewhere along the line, the ref sees the turnbuckle pad and tosses it, giving Finlay enough time to grab the shillelagh and whack Knox in the dome with it.

 

Winner:  Finlay

 

Rating: 

 

That match never really caught.  It wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t great, either.  A couple okay sequences.

 

So, let’s hand out some of the new awards:

 

The Golden Batarang Award:  The second half of the Yoshi Tatsu match was really good.

 

The Lame Ass Shark Repellent Award:  The divas match was garbage.  Jillian should be a better in-ring performer by now.

 

Whew, I'm spent.  That was the longest recap in the history of my short-running column.  I hope you all enjoyed reading.  See you next week!

 

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).