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(Originally posted in March 2004)
 
From the people who subjected the World to "WWE Originals" comes the latest offerings from WWE Films, just in time for the Summer Blockbuster season! And by "Blockbuster" we mean the store. And by the store we mean the discount bin. And by discount bin, we probably mean the dumpster out back; because there's a better chance people will purchase fucking Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol than any of these abortions. But hey, whatever, let's get to these, umm, films!:


SEXUAL PREDATOR

Tag line: He came. He Conquered. Then He Came Again. Then He Got Injured. And No One Noticed. Or Cared.

Running Time: 15 Minutes(!)

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, "Sexual Chocolate" Mark Henry;

Plot: Sent to earth (to likely elapse a 10 year "Predator" contract they now likely completely regret) an extra-terrestrial hunter (Mark Henry), with a voracious sexual appetite (and armed with a slew of BODY SLAMS) goes on "Safari" in the jungles of Central America, hunting human beings, looking for transvestites, bending frying pans in half, and desperately trying not to accidentally set off his own thermal nuclear device and blow himself up. (good luck).

Along the way, he meets a Commando who's sexual urges even outweigh his own. They debate who has bedded more unattractive masculine women. Hilarity ensues. The Predator then stumbles into his own net and dies. No one is surprised.

Roger Ebert says: "I want to tell you the films first 15 minutes were at least action-packed before the Predator clumsily stumbles and kills himself, but unfortunately, 12 of those 15 minutes were a prolonged bearhug. Then, rather than using his alien weaponry to finish the fight, he just tore a phone book in half for no reason. Strange".


ROB VAN HELSING

Tag line: This Summer, only one man will be left standing when the smoke clears. He's Van Helsing, and he's just your tokin' Vampire slayer...

Running Time: 90 Minutes;

Starring: Rob Van Dam, Kate Beckinsale;

Plot: He wastes Vampires...then gets wasted! RVD portrays famed vampire-slayer Van Helsing in this variation of Bram Stoker's literary tale; only tackling the undead with a "chemically-induced"  laid-back disposition. The trouble though is getting Nosferatu to lay on the ground long enough for a Rolling thunder....

Roger Ebert says: "To be honest, I found some of the action scenes a little far fetched at times. For example, one minute Van Helsing is mauled by the wolf-man, and two minutes later he's back on offense as if nothing happened. A little supernatural psychology would be nice. That however pales in comparison to when he throws a stake at a vampire, who catches it, and then stands completely still for 3 seconds so Van Helsing can spin-kick it into his heart.

The most absurd part though involved a flask of Holy water that he converts into a Bong. He then rolls a giant joint out of the Mummy's bandages and spends the remainder of the film passed out surrounded by empty funyon bags..."

 

BIG SHOW IN LITTLE CHINA

Running Time: 90 Minutes;

Tagline: Even the unbridled power of centuries-old Chinese black magic can't pull anything good out of this guy.

Starring: Big Show, Kim Catrall, and the guy from Seinfeld's Chinese restaurant as "Lo Pan". 

Plot: After accidentally mispronouncing "goof", Big Show unwittingly unleashes all the dark forces of Chinese lore!

Roger Ebert says: "The story opens up with Jack Burton (Big Show) making a pit-stop in Chinatown after devouring all the cargo aboard "The Pork-chop Express". Eventually, he discovers that he is actually kin to Lo Pan, when it's revealed that his birth name is "Frying Pan"... named in honor of the size of his hands. He then tries to cook his friend Egg in said hands. Things pretty much stop making sense after that...".


NOT WALKING T'ALL

Tagline: He'd stand up for justice...if only he could.

Running Time: 85 Minutes

Starring: Droz, Neal McDonough, Johnny Knoxville;

Plot: Chris Vaughn is a former military man with a penchant for regurgitating on command, being a fifth wheel (literally!) and possessing an uncanny flair for exotic hats.

Chris returns to his hometown to see it over-run with drugs and crime. Being a man of conviction, Vaughn decides he isn't going to take this laying down... but unfortunately, he doesn't exactly have much of a choice there. His heart however is in the right place. Maybe. We'll have to get some X-Rays done to make sure...

Roger Ebert says: "A lot of the big fight scenes seemed a little unrealistic, as basically everyone was just running into Vaughn's chair, flailing about, even though he basically just sat there puking"

Plus, you can also tell that Vince Russo likely had a hand in this movie, as it's ultimately revealed that Vaughn really was the "pusher man" all along....".

 

THE HULK 

Tag line: And you thought he didn't sell for anyone before.....

Running Time: 115 Minutes

Starring: Hulk Hogan, Jennifer Connelly;

Plot: Years of prolonged exposure to the sun, coupled with trace amounts of anabolics in his bloodstream, cause the normally mild-mannered Orange Goblin to become a green mass of raging emotions, bruther!"

Roger Ebert says:"Get ready to see Hulk Hogan as we have lk Hogan as we have never  seen him before!.... One that shrugs off all his enemies offense, tears clothes enthusiastically from his body, is an unnatural color, and whom always comes back from seemingly insurmountable and completely unrealistic odds!..." 

See You At The Movies!!!! Or in the dumpster. Save us whatever's left of that jelly donut in there.

 Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).