*THE
FOLLOWING IS A PARODY AND IS IN NO WAY CONNECTED TO "WORLD WRESTLING
ENTERTAINMENT", "WWE", OR "WWE KIDS" IN ANY
CAPACITY.*
World Wrestling Entertainment (not
really!) is proud to present our newest endeavor in reaching
today's child marketplace, and in turn training them to rifle
through your pockets whilst you slumber and use your credit
cards: WWE
KIDS!
And why not kids! It's a
natural progression, you see, as across the world, in all
corners of the globe, there are children who love Sports
Entertainment, and proudly wear the characters of WWE on their
person with pride! Unfortunately though, there are always
bigger, stronger children on the scene to then stuff them into
their lockers. It's not pretty. The saddest part,
though? If these bullies didn't deplore WWE so much, we'd send
scouts on the scene immediately, because with their size and general
bullyish disposition, we have no doubts they'd have the moxy to
one day be superstars themselves and perhaps even clock in
a 10 month WWE Title reign! It's not Goose-Stepping in
Germany, or terrorizing newcomers in the sanctity of the locker
room at their absolute most vulnerable, but it's a
start!
In
any event, this new direction is indeed a work in progress, but we
have no doubts that the content available in our Kids magazine
and website will appeal to children worldwide. And while the
emphasis will be on "fun", there will also be a lot
of educational content as well, which we believe will help
cultivate our youth demographic and mold them into the kinds of
people terrified to leave their homes, thus leaving them
in the desired quasi-vegetative state that we look for in
a viewer. After all, if you're too stunned to get up off the sofa,
you probably won't change the channel! Knock on
wood!
Some of this groundbreaking
new content will be *exclusive* columns like: "Triple H's Words of Wisdom"
(subsequently shortened from 35 tedious continuous minutes of
content to just two). In this exclusive magazine feature, "The
Game" will give the youngsters out there important life
pointers that will in turn help them become better and more
productive members of society; that way, they can one day
penalize, stand in the way, and maybe even destroy those who
don't hold the same beliefs and work ethic. Hunter thinks about
the future!*
*So, he can
pin new people.
Here's a few examples of
the Game's insight below!:
"If you're ever going to participate in a
publicity stunt with your 3 older, cooler friends, two of which
are leaving the school the next day, umm, don't. You'll be
the only one disciplined and forced to
do jobs for fucking Duke "The Dumpster" Droese, err, I mean 'stay
after class and write lines'. And then get pinned by The
Stalker Barry Windham and Marc
Mero."
"At first
glance, the Principal's plump daughter might seem a bit below your
regular dating standards, but just remember, she'll inherit the
school one day, so it's like totally worth it! And with the
Principal's ear, who knows, you might even end up an Twelve
time Valedictorian!".
However, that's not all. In
every issue of WWE KIDS, we'll outline the "do's and don'ts" of
"Nutrition", reveal some really cool hiding spots for
your "secret candy", in addition to when's a good time to
retrieve it from the attic crawlspace you stored it in while in
developmental; plus, we'll provide some
really awesome tips for fooling the "school nurse" during those
forced mandatory blood tests! (two words: SECOND PISSER!).
Plus,in every issue, we'll
delve into the amazing world of science! Like did you know
Global Warming can be indirectly linked to Gregory Helms, Fred
Ottman & the late John Tenta? That the nuclear age was born when
Scientists and Physicists found a way to divide Bryan Clarke? (And
now we have two guys who can't work!). It's all fascinating. Even if
it's all lies! But we here at the WWE feel that an important
building block in the development of children is deception. As well
as raising hopes, than quashing them. We call it the "OVW
effect".
But building the character of
today's youth is our main goal here. And not just so we can
change it like 6 months later, then release the guy when he doesn't
get over despite it all being our idea to start with! Not even. We
believe in creating positive role models children can
relate to, and messages that really hit home. Messages
like, it's all right to want to have sexual relations with your
super hot British sister. Messages like, did you know as
a female, you can significantly raise your I.Q.
from severe mental retardation levels to MENSA if you just
take off all your clothes in Playboy? It's true! Plus, are there any
better Role Models out there than Cryme Tyme? A
duo who continue to shatter any and all racial boundaries! With
Cryme Tyme, it's not about the color of your skin, for Shad
& JTG teach an important message that reaches ALL races, creeds
and colors: WE CAN DO ANYTHING ANY TWO WHITE, RACIALLY-INSENSITIVE
PETTY CRIMINALS WHO STEAL STEAKS AND A RETARD'S PRESCRIPTION
MEDICATION, ONLY TO RESELL IT FOR INSULTINGLY LOW PRICES CAN DO.
Amen.
This
and more is what you can expect from WWE KIDS, the magazine. But
what of this web page, you ask? WELL, HERE'S YOUR
ANSWER! Below we have
outlined the bold new direction we're heading towards, and given
some brief examples of the very special Child-centric content we'll
be delivering in the near future on this very site! Your
children are in great hands! Some of which are the size of FRYING
PANS. It's WWE KIDS: THE WEBSITE! Featuring Games! Puzzles!
Comics! The Elderly's Rectums! Educational Tools! Let's get to
it!
MR. MCMAHON'S KISS MY ASS CLUB: FOR
KIDS!
In some circles, coming
face to face with a grandfather's alabaster cornhole would be
tantamount to sexual abuse, but we here at WWE KIDS aim to change
that one graying asshole at a time! We put smiles on faces. By
forcing faces into vertical smiles! Because aren't kids
really nothing more than tiny adults or maybe even midgets with full
facial hair? I mean, WHY should children miss out on the
character-building that can only come from knowing exactly what Mr.
McMahon had for breakfast that morning? And why should only
adults know that joy? NO MORE. Introducing: Mr. McMahon's Kiss
My Ass Club FOR KIDS! Creating
a lifetime of memories, and a lifetime of psychiatric bills,
counseling, and maybe even hypnosis to "erase"
or repress those memories! Ram your little bundle of joy
into Vince's mud cave today! You won't
be sorry. (Because that's an admission of guilt and can be
later used in a court of law. Trust us.).
STORY-TIME WITH
KANE!
If there's one thing we know
for sure, it's that Kane loves children. Because if not, why would
he have gone to all the trouble to rape and impregnate Lita in 2004
in hopes of spawning an evil heir? Exactly.
Each week, Kane takes time
out of his busy schedule of being wasted in ECW, and brings
kids around the world the gift of books! Whether it be a "how to
guide" on proper ways to disembowel a grown man with a comically
gigantic tow-hook, or just sitting back and breezing through a few
pages of the Necronomicon, you'll love how your little tyke's face
lights up when he hears Kane's personal story of pain, anguish,
betrayal and quasi-psychosis! It's true! You won't be able to
help smiling as your little one beams with joy and wonderment
as the Big Red Machine recants the time he got down and dirty with a
dead cheerleader after a particularly gruesome car crash. Words
are power. Just not the kind that set off giant fireworks
before a match instead of during, you know, when it'd actually give
an advantage. Stay tuned!
EVERYONE POOPS...AND HERE'S WHY IT'S
HILARIOUS.
By now, everyone is likely
familiar with the book "Everyone Poops", a great and
world-renowned tool for educating toddlers that the strange
shapeless brown substance (not Big Daddy V) coming from inside
them is not that unusual after all. We here at WWE KIDS want to
take that innocence and bewilderment one step further with
"Everyone Poops: And here's why it's hilarious". Because as the
chairman and John Cena himself will tell you, NOTHING is
funnier the excrement. Unless it's homosexuality. (Fun Fact:
Homosexuality feels like taking a poop..in
REVERSE!!!!).
In this book, you'll not only
learn where most crap comes from (Brian Gerwirtz mostly) but
also how it can be used as a constant plot device to create
HILARITY. Whether it's being shot from a hose, nonsensically dropped
from the ceiling, pushed farther into your body in exchange
for future superstardom in a time honored tradition, or
just referenced by Da Champ in a hilariously irreverent way, Poop is
here, and is here to stay. Haha "Poop".
HILARIOUS!
JERRY LAWLER'S TEENAGED DIVA
SEARCH!:
Do you have what it takes to
be Jerry's next Teenaged Diva? Do you suddenly have hair in
a strange new place and boobs where there were no boobs before?
If so, you might just be the Diva Jerry's looking for! But you'll
have to compete for that honor! Much like the full-grown,
actually legal Diva Search as seen on RAW, each
12-14 year old will compete in varying challenges, including:
"Beat the Clock". Just how fast can you finish your milk,
put your bike in the garage and meet Jerry in a special secluded
basement photography studio?". We'll find out!
Edit:
This just in. Jerry's Teenaged Diva Search has been discontinued
barring an investigation by Chris Hansen and NBC'S "To Catch A
Predator". (Not that kind of Predator , Mark Henry. You're still
safe.).
THE ECW COLORING BOOK!
Introducing the brand new
"ECW COLORING BOOK", the easiest and most comprehensive coloring
book on the market, because you only need ONE color crayon to finish
it! That's right, kids, it's not a coincidence that almost every
single black man under WWE contract is imprisoned on this show,
and now you can show your appreciation for those African Americans
in permanent bondage with the ECW Coloring book. Or just leave them
all white. Michael P.S. Hayes might actually push them that way!
Ahem.
EDUCATIONAL TOOL:
THE MIKE ADAMLE
"ADAMLE TO ENGLISH TRANSLATOR!":
Chances are, unless your
maybe Yoda, you have no idea what Mike Adamle is
actually trying to say. But now, there's a tool to
translate ECW's biggest one. Introducing the most
revolutionary device in the history of translation. It's the
ADAMLE TO ENGLISH TRANSLATOR . There
are no substitutes! Ok, there's probably at least a half dozen. And
they're all better, but whatever! Kids, do you want a
translator that looks like Tarzan but hits like Jane? Or do you want
one that actually uses a phrase like that in proper context and
doesn't completely embarrass itself? Ahem.
The Adamle Translator is
a state of the art device, that cost $300,000 (or roughly
57 Colin Delaney's) to develop and cultivate and
then force on the public, despite there clearly being many
more qualified translators out there. But who needs them? Like
anyone would use something called the "Josh Matthews"! Come
on!
But how does it work,
you might not be asking? Like Mike himself, it's simple really. Just
enter the phrase you want translated and then press
"Translate", and Uno Dos, Adios, you have a phrase in crystal
clear terminology that we can all understand! Never again
will your "the classmates" shoot you a dirty look
again! So get Bizzay today! . Prepare to elevate your
"the vocabulary" like it was the Jimmy. Translate*
Adamle today! OR maybe just hire someone who knows what the
hell they're doing.
*Warning: Device not to be
used for Great Khali promos. Worm-hole in the fabric
of time will open and the Universe will implode upon
itself.
GOOFUS AND GALLANT: MORALITY
ADVENTURES!
If you're familiar with the
children's magazine "Highlights", chances are you've seen or read
"Goofus and Gallant". A morality "choose your own adventure",
featuring two very different little boys dispensing advice. That
said, we here at WWE KIDS, are taking it to the next level,
reimagining a "Goofus & Gallant" a whole new generation can
relate to!
First, there's Goofus, an
impetuous, misogynistic boy with a penchant for getting into
trouble, speaking in an annoyingly stilted manner, taking too many
rests at inopportune times, smashing things that don't belong
to him, and being barred from going anywhere near the
girls bathroom. The best part about Goofus is the fact
that he seemingly never ever pays any sort of price for any
of his indiscretions! In fact, he seems to always be rewarded
instead, while guys like Rob Van Goofus loses everything
for taking his umm, "medicine" while driving err
biking, and lesser Third Generation umm, cartoons
like DH Goofus are suspended, then relegated to job duty on
Heat.
And then there's the loveable
Gallant! He is too loveable! I'm telling you! I mean, when
you ignore everyone booing and wishing bodily harm on him.
Gallant is a good boy. He always does what's right and is a
real hard worker. He just gets really shitty
material.
Each week, we will
provide an all new situation for Goofus & Gallant to give
their take on. And yes, just like in WWE, forever, the correct
option is always CENA.
GAMES & PUZZLES!
Games are an integral part of
a Childs development. They're always there when you're just plum
tired of interacting with their babbling asses and just need a
break from all their incessant bullshit. Games are timeless.
Games bring joy. Game's get Title shots and opportunities that
should go to other people, just because they're putting their pieces
in a certain "box". We need Games! Forever. Ahem.
Anyway, We here at WWE KIDS realize this, and our crack staff
have developed some great interactive puzzles, and even VIDEO
GAMES(!) for the coming months. Here are a few
samples!:
MIKE KNOX'S SECRET-STASH MAZE!
You're Mike Knox. You
recently shared a town-home with several friends, but
Uh-oh! There's a BIG PROBLEM! You moved, but forgot to retrieve
your box of HGH and your physical WWE contract from a secret
hole in the Attic wall! Quick, help Mike get his box of human
growth hormones back, and retrieve his contract before he's
suspended for a Wellness violation! (If only they tested for
charisma! No chance they'd find any of that in his
system!).
The Great Khali is a man
of few words. And by that, I mean literally. He speaks entirely in
gibberish.
That said, kids, can
YOU decipher the following notable Khali quotes and reassemble them?
Good luck!
1)Hhhhhhhhhpmrggg
2)hhhhhakatttttttannnnnun
3)illllllllllllllllllllaKetan
WHERE'S WALTMAN?
Somewhere in the
below picture, the former X-Pac is hiding! Kids, can you find
him?
You couldn't,
could you? Maybe that's because he's actually right
HERE!:
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Better luck next time,
kids! He's actually in a Rehab facility! The only thing this
Waldo's Bronco-busting is his dependency on drugs and alcohol! Two
tears in a bucket! And probably some puke, too, from all the
DT's!
"ACE IN THE HOLE"
A
Video Game for Dad & Son!
John Laurinaitis likes
to think with his root and he LOVES him the ladies! So
much so, he backed FCW as the premier developmental league for WWE
because it's so close to his favorite strip club! (you know, where
your Mommy pretends she doesn't actually work! ). Be the
first one to paste a WWE Diva right in the face with Johnny's
special "Protein shake" (It ain't Ico-Pro!) and
WIN!
DEAD HEAT.
CAN YOU GET
EDDIE GUERRERO AWAY FROM WWE STORYLINES AND INTO
HEAVEN? Because if you lose , he's stuck here forever
and ever and it's all your fucking fault! And Rey
Mysterio's!
Eddie Guerrero passed
away almost 3 years ago, but try telling that to
WWE! Can you finally deliver the late, great Latino Heat to
paradise? Or will he be forever confined to terrible WWE
storylines? (Vince just bought a Ouija board and a ghost trap
just in case!). Only a few more steps remain! Get up those
steps! Roll those hips! Normally, God's tired of all
these Rasslers showing up every few weeks (he hasn't been
the same since Vince beat him at Backlash 2006), but I'm sure
he'll make an exception this time! However, a slew of road
blocks await! (619 guesses who I'm talking about!). Good
luck!
ERASE WWE HISTORY!
WWE: where memories are
indelibly etched into the annals of time! But not that
indelible! Can you accomplish in 10 seconds what the
employees of WWE have tried in vain to do for
the last 10 years?: ERASE WWE HISTORY?
Because if so, there just may be a position for you on the WWE 24/7
staff! Ever see that great Randy Savage vs. Chris Benoit match on
Nitro in 1995? NO YOU HAVEN'T! NO ONE HAS! If you can't
see it, it NEVER happened! HHH beat himself by submission
at Wrestlemania XX and shared an emotional post match hug with Eddie
Guerrero! Two invisible men battled in a career match at
Wrestlemania 7 that no one won or lost 'cause no one was even
there! Elizabeth's emotional and awkward reunion with herself
still brings a tear to my eye! Plus, just so you know, 1963-77
never happened! For 14 years Earth stopped recording history! I
promise you!
Good luck!
COMICS!
And finally, WWE KIDS
presents: COMICS! Originally, we were kind of wary of promoting
actual reading, because lord knows, once these kids get a
hold of that Wrestling Observer Newsletter, well, the
party's over! Batista, not that of a good wrestler? As
if. However, our target groups revealed that kids LOVE
comics. Especially the kind that live in Mom's basement and have
goatees and Star Trek screensavers. You know, actual
children.
The following is an
upcoming strip: HARDY'S IN SPACE! Yes, it's true!
And the best part? It's actually based on a true story! *Certain*
people we'll not mention, whose name's rhyme with Blearst Blemsley,
thought a truly great way to create credibility with this strip
would be to LITERALLY FORCE THE HARDY'S DEEP INTO SPACE. And
well, they launched last night. Thus far there is no set date
for their return. Mostly because *someone*, who loves
handlebar mustaches and iron crosses and handlebar mustaches
completely accidentally lost any and all records of the launch
and smashed all the equipment with a giant hammer. Sadly, we'll
probably never know who was responsible. Oh
well.
Sadly, upon going to
print, we learned WWE brass (Who knew, great wrestling and Trumpets
& Tubas! AWESOME!) is discontinuing the strip altogether.
But no worries, kids. We'll let the cat out of the bag to save you
the anguish of never knowing how things turn out: Jeff Hardy died on
his way back to his home-planet. (but not before setting the Space
Station on fire!). And Matt's still floating aimlessly through
space, FOREVER. His cries of "I will not die" will never be heard
again. And it's a good thing, too, because his rapidly depleting
oxygen reserve was about to debunk those claims
completely...
Stay tuned for more
content upon our official launch! Or not.
The following was
a big ol' fake parody. I thought about not posting this
disclaimer, but sadly, there are actually people out there who
might not know. They tend to usually eat all their food pureed,
fed to them by nurses, and usually dribble a
lot. Holy shit. However, there really is a WWE KIDS website out
there. For real, yo. If only it could be as cool as this
one could've been. If only.
**Special thanks to Joe
Merrick & Catherine Perez.
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those
hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania,
Wrestlecrap, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and
Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured
AIDS.
Send Feedback to Sean
Carless
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