World Wrestling Entertainment (not really!) is proud to present our newest endeavor in reaching today's child marketplace, and in turn training them to rifle through your pockets whilst you slumber and use your credit cards: WWE KIDS!
And why not kids! It's a natural progression, you see, as across the world, in all corners of the globe, there are children who love Sports Entertainment, and proudly wear the characters of WWE on their person with pride! Unfortunately though, there are always bigger, stronger children on the scene to then stuff them into their lockers. It's not pretty. The saddest part, though? If these bullies didn't deplore WWE so much, we'd send scouts on the scene immediately, because with their size and general bullyish disposition, we have no doubts they'd have the moxy to one day be superstars themselves and perhaps even clock in a 10 month WWE Title reign! It's not Goose-Stepping in Germany, or terrorizing newcomers in the sanctity of the locker room at their absolute most vulnerable, but it's a start!
In any event, this new direction is indeed a work in progress, but we have no doubts that the content available in our Kids magazine and website will appeal to children worldwide. And while the emphasis will be on "fun", there will also be a lot of educational content as well, which we believe will help cultivate our youth demographic and mold them into the kinds of people terrified to leave their homes, thus leaving them in the desired quasi-vegetative state that we look for in a viewer. After all, if you're too stunned to get up off the sofa, you probably won't change the channel! Knock on wood!
Some of this groundbreaking new content will be *exclusive* columns like: "Triple H's Words of Wisdom" (subsequently shortened from 35 tedious continuous minutes of content to just two). In this exclusive magazine feature, "The Game" will give the youngsters out there important life pointers that will in turn help them become better and more productive members of society; that way, they can one day penalize, stand in the way, and maybe even destroy those who don't hold the same beliefs and work ethic. Hunter thinks about the future!*
*So, he can pin new people. 
Here's a few examples of the Game's insight below!:
"If you're ever going to participate in a publicity stunt with your 3 older, cooler friends, two of which are leaving the school the next day, umm, don't. You'll be the only one disciplined and forced to do jobs for fucking Duke "The Dumpster" Droese, err, I mean 'stay after class and write lines'. And then get pinned by The Stalker Barry Windham and Marc Mero."
"At first glance, the Principal's plump daughter might seem a bit below your regular dating standards, but just remember, she'll inherit the school one day, so it's like totally worth it! And with the Principal's ear, who knows, you might even end up an Twelve time Valedictorian!".
However, that's not all. In every issue of WWE KIDS, we'll outline the "do's and don'ts" of "Nutrition", reveal some really cool hiding spots for your "secret candy", in addition to when's a good time to retrieve it from the attic crawlspace you stored it in while in developmental; plus, we'll provide some really awesome tips for fooling the "school nurse" during those forced mandatory blood tests! (two words: SECOND PISSER!).
Plus,in every issue, we'll delve into the amazing world of science! Like did you know Global Warming can be indirectly linked to Gregory Helms, Fred Ottman & the late John Tenta? That the nuclear age was born when Scientists and Physicists found a way to divide Bryan Clarke? (And now we have two guys who can't work!). It's all fascinating. Even if it's all lies! But we here at the WWE feel that an important building block in the development of children is deception. As well as raising hopes, than quashing them. We call it the "OVW effect".
But building the character of today's youth is our main goal here. And not just so we can change it like 6 months later, then release the guy when he doesn't get over despite it all being our idea to start with! Not even. We believe in creating positive role models children can relate to, and messages that really hit home. Messages like, it's all right to want to have sexual relations with your super hot British sister. Messages like, did you know as a female, you can significantly raise your I.Q. from severe mental retardation levels to MENSA if you just take off all your clothes in Playboy? It's true! Plus, are there any better Role Models out there than Cryme Tyme? A duo who continue to shatter any and all racial boundaries! With Cryme Tyme, it's not about the color of your skin, for Shad & JTG teach an important message that reaches ALL races, creeds and colors: WE CAN DO ANYTHING ANY TWO WHITE, RACIALLY-INSENSITIVE PETTY CRIMINALS WHO STEAL STEAKS AND  A RETARD'S PRESCRIPTION MEDICATION, ONLY TO RESELL IT FOR INSULTINGLY LOW PRICES CAN DO. Amen.
This and more is what you can expect from WWE KIDS, the magazine. But what of this web page, you ask? WELL, HERE'S YOUR ANSWER! Below we have outlined the bold new direction we're heading towards, and given some brief examples of the very special Child-centric content we'll be delivering in the near future on this very site! Your children are in great hands! Some of which are the size of FRYING PANS. It's WWE KIDS: THE WEBSITE! Featuring Games! Puzzles! Comics! The Elderly's Rectums! Educational Tools! Let's get to it!
In some circles, coming face to face with a grandfather's alabaster cornhole would be tantamount to sexual abuse, but we here at WWE KIDS aim to change that one graying asshole at a time! We put smiles on faces. By forcing faces into vertical smiles!  Because aren't kids really nothing more than tiny adults or maybe even midgets with full facial hair? I mean, WHY should children miss out on the character-building that can only come from knowing exactly what Mr. McMahon had for breakfast that morning? And why should only adults know that joy? NO MORE. Introducing: Mr. McMahon's Kiss My Ass Club FOR KIDS! Creating a lifetime of memories, and a lifetime of psychiatric bills, counseling, and maybe even hypnosis to "erase" or repress those memories! Ram your little bundle of joy into Vince's mud cave today! You won't be sorry. (Because that's an admission of guilt and can be later used in a court of law. Trust us.).
If there's one thing we know for sure, it's that Kane loves children. Because if not, why would he have gone to all the trouble to rape and impregnate Lita in 2004 in hopes of spawning an evil heir? Exactly.
Each week, Kane takes time out of his busy schedule of being wasted in ECW, and brings kids around the world the gift of books! Whether it be a "how to guide" on proper ways to disembowel a grown man with a comically gigantic tow-hook, or just sitting back and breezing through a few pages of the Necronomicon, you'll love how your little tyke's face lights up when he hears Kane's personal story of pain, anguish, betrayal and quasi-psychosis! It's true! You won't be able to help smiling as your little one beams with joy and wonderment as the Big Red Machine recants the time he got down and dirty with a dead cheerleader after a particularly gruesome car crash. Words are power. Just not the kind that set off giant fireworks before a match instead of during, you know, when it'd actually give an advantage. Stay tuned!
By now, everyone is likely familiar with the book "Everyone Poops", a great and world-renowned tool for educating toddlers that the strange shapeless brown substance (not Big Daddy V) coming from inside them is not that unusual after all. We here at WWE KIDS want to take that innocence and bewilderment one step further with "Everyone Poops: And here's why it's hilarious". Because as the chairman and John Cena himself will tell you, NOTHING is funnier the excrement. Unless it's homosexuality. (Fun Fact: Homosexuality feels like taking a poop..in REVERSE!!!!).
In this book, you'll not only learn where most crap comes from (Brian Gerwirtz mostly) but also how it can be used as a constant plot device to create HILARITY. Whether it's being shot from a hose, nonsensically dropped from the ceiling, pushed farther into your body in exchange for future superstardom in a time honored tradition, or just referenced by Da Champ in a hilariously irreverent way, Poop is here, and is here to stay. Haha "Poop". HILARIOUS!
Do you have what it takes to be Jerry's next Teenaged Diva? Do you suddenly have hair in a strange new place and boobs where there were no boobs before? If so, you might just be the Diva Jerry's looking for! But you'll have to compete  for that honor! Much like the full-grown, actually legal Diva Search as seen on RAW, each  12-14 year old will compete in varying challenges, including: "Beat the Clock". Just how fast can you finish your milk, put your bike in the garage and meet Jerry in a special secluded basement photography studio?". We'll find out!
Edit: This just in. Jerry's Teenaged Diva Search has been discontinued barring an investigation by Chris Hansen and NBC'S "To Catch A Predator". (Not that kind of Predator , Mark Henry. You're still safe.).
Introducing the brand new "ECW COLORING BOOK", the easiest and most comprehensive coloring book on the market, because you only need ONE color crayon to finish it! That's right, kids, it's not a coincidence that almost every single black man under WWE contract is imprisoned on this show, and now you can show your appreciation for those African Americans in permanent bondage with the ECW Coloring book. Or just leave them all white. Michael P.S. Hayes might actually push them that way! Ahem.
Chances are, unless your maybe Yoda, you have no idea what Mike Adamle is actually trying to say. But now, there's a tool to translate ECW's biggest one. Introducing the most revolutionary device in the history of translation. It's the ADAMLE TO ENGLISH TRANSLATOR . There are no substitutes! Ok, there's probably at least a half dozen. And they're all better, but whatever!  Kids, do you want a translator that looks like Tarzan but hits like Jane? Or do you want one that actually uses a phrase like that in proper context and doesn't completely embarrass itself? Ahem.
The Adamle Translator is a state of the art device, that cost $300,000 (or roughly 57 Colin Delaney's) to develop and cultivate and then force on the public, despite there clearly being many more qualified translators out there. But who needs them? Like anyone would use something called the "Josh Matthews"! Come on!
 But how does it work, you might not be asking? Like Mike himself, it's simple really. Just enter the phrase you want translated and then press "Translate", and Uno Dos, Adios, you have a phrase in crystal clear terminology that we can all understand! Never again will your "the classmates" shoot you a dirty look again! So get Bizzay today! . Prepare to elevate your "the vocabulary" like it was the Jimmy. Translate* Adamle today! OR maybe just hire someone who knows what the hell they're doing.
*Warning: Device not to be used for Great Khali promos. Worm-hole in the fabric of time will open and the Universe will implode upon itself.
If you're familiar with the children's magazine "Highlights", chances are you've seen or read "Goofus and Gallant". A morality "choose your own adventure", featuring two very different little boys dispensing advice. That said, we here at WWE KIDS, are taking it to the next level, reimagining a "Goofus & Gallant" a whole new generation can relate to!
First, there's Goofus, an impetuous, misogynistic boy with a penchant for getting into trouble, speaking in an annoyingly stilted manner, taking too many rests at inopportune times, smashing things that don't belong to him, and being barred from going anywhere near the girls bathroom. The best part about Goofus is the fact that he seemingly never ever pays any sort of price for any of his indiscretions! In fact, he seems to always be rewarded instead, while guys like Rob Van Goofus loses everything for taking his umm, "medicine" while driving err biking, and lesser Third Generation umm, cartoons like DH Goofus are suspended, then relegated to job duty on Heat. 
And then there's the loveable Gallant! He is too loveable! I'm telling you! I mean, when you ignore everyone booing and wishing bodily harm on him. Gallant is a good boy. He always does what's right and is a real hard worker. He just gets really shitty material. 
Each week, we will provide an all new situation for Goofus & Gallant to give their take on. And yes, just like in WWE, forever, the correct option is always CENA.
Games are an integral part of a Childs development. They're always there when you're just plum tired of interacting with their babbling asses and just need a break from all their incessant bullshit. Games are timeless. Games bring joy. Game's get Title shots and opportunities that should go to other people, just because they're putting their pieces in a certain "box". We need Games! Forever. Ahem. Anyway, We here at WWE KIDS realize this, and our crack staff have developed some great interactive puzzles, and even VIDEO GAMES(!) for the coming months. Here are a few samples!:
You're Mike Knox. You recently shared a town-home with several friends, but Uh-oh! There's a BIG PROBLEM! You moved, but forgot to retrieve your box of HGH and your physical WWE contract from a secret hole in the Attic wall! Quick, help  Mike get his box of human growth hormones back, and retrieve his contract before he's suspended for a Wellness violation! (If only they tested for charisma! No chance they'd find any of that in his system!).
The Great Khali is a man of few words. And by that, I mean literally. He speaks entirely in gibberish.
That said, kids, can YOU decipher the following notable Khali quotes and reassemble them? Good luck!
Somewhere in the below picture, the former X-Pac is hiding! Kids, can you find him?
You couldn't, could you? Maybe that's because he's actually right HERE!:
Better luck next time, kids! He's actually in a Rehab facility! The only thing this Waldo's Bronco-busting is his dependency on drugs and alcohol! Two tears in a bucket! And probably some puke, too, from all the DT's!
A Video Game for Dad & Son!
John Laurinaitis likes to think with his root and he LOVES him the ladies! So much so, he backed FCW as the premier developmental league for WWE because it's so close to his favorite strip club! (you know, where your Mommy pretends she doesn't actually work! ). Be the first one to paste a WWE Diva right in the face with Johnny's special "Protein shake" (It ain't Ico-Pro!) and WIN!
CAN YOU GET EDDIE GUERRERO AWAY FROM WWE STORYLINES AND INTO HEAVEN? Because if you lose , he's stuck here forever and ever and it's all your fucking fault! And Rey Mysterio's!
Eddie Guerrero passed away almost 3 years ago, but try telling that to WWE! Can you finally deliver the late, great Latino Heat to paradise? Or will he be forever confined to terrible WWE storylines? (Vince just bought a Ouija board and a ghost trap just in case!). Only a few more steps remain! Get up those steps! Roll those hips! Normally, God's tired of all these Rasslers showing up every few weeks (he hasn't been the same since Vince beat him at Backlash 2006), but I'm sure he'll make an exception this time! However, a slew of road blocks await! (619 guesses who I'm talking about!). Good luck!
WWE: where memories are indelibly etched into the annals of time! But not that indelible! Can you accomplish in 10 seconds what the employees of WWE have tried in vain to do for the last 10 years?: ERASE WWE HISTORY?  Because if so, there just may be a position for you on the WWE 24/7 staff! Ever see that great Randy Savage vs. Chris Benoit match on Nitro in 1995? NO YOU HAVEN'T! NO ONE HAS! If you can't see it, it NEVER happened! HHH beat himself by submission at Wrestlemania XX and shared an emotional post match hug with Eddie Guerrero! Two invisible men battled in a career match at Wrestlemania 7 that no one won or lost 'cause no one was even there! Elizabeth's emotional and awkward reunion with herself still brings a tear to my eye! Plus, just so you know, 1963-77 never happened! For 14 years Earth stopped recording history! I promise you!
Good luck!
And finally, WWE KIDS presents: COMICS! Originally, we were kind of wary of promoting actual reading, because lord knows, once these kids get a hold of that Wrestling Observer Newsletter, well, the party's over! Batista, not that of a good wrestler? As if. However, our target groups revealed that kids LOVE comics. Especially the kind that live in Mom's basement and have goatees and Star Trek screensavers. You know, actual children.
The following is an upcoming strip: HARDY'S IN SPACE! Yes, it's true! And the best part? It's actually based on a true story! *Certain* people we'll not mention, whose name's rhyme with Blearst Blemsley, thought a truly great way to create credibility with this strip would be to LITERALLY FORCE THE HARDY'S DEEP INTO SPACE. And well, they launched last night. Thus far there is no set date for their return. Mostly because *someone*, who loves handlebar mustaches and iron crosses and handlebar mustaches completely accidentally lost any and all records of the launch and smashed all the equipment with a giant hammer. Sadly, we'll probably never know who was responsible. Oh well.
Sadly, upon going to print, we learned WWE brass (Who knew, great wrestling and Trumpets & Tubas! AWESOME!) is discontinuing the strip altogether. But no worries, kids. We'll let the cat out of the bag to save you the anguish of never knowing how things turn out: Jeff Hardy died on his way back to his home-planet. (but not before setting the Space Station on fire!). And Matt's still floating aimlessly through space, FOREVER. His cries of "I will not die" will never be heard again. And it's a good thing, too, because his rapidly depleting oxygen reserve was about to debunk those claims completely...
Stay tuned for more content upon our official launch! Or not.
The following was a big ol' fake parody. I thought about not posting this disclaimer, but sadly, there are actually people out there who might not know. They tend to usually eat all their food pureed, fed to them by nurses, and usually dribble a lot. Holy shit. However, there really is a WWE KIDS website out there. For real, yo. If only it could be as cool as this one could've been. If only.
I'm Sean.
**Special thanks to Joe Merrick & Catherine Perez.
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Wrestlecrap, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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