For it's entire existence, The History Channel has been all about documented and accurate accounts of famous events, presented in a completely unbiased and impartial manner. Not anymore. You see, we are proud to announce that Vince McMahon and World Wrestling Entertainment have come to terms on the purchase of all of World History! It was only a matter of time before we acquired the world's collective records of history, and now, history buffs can look forward to a TRUE depiction of history... the way it was supposed to be re-written! That of course being: a much more pleasing and entertaining historical reference, personally okayed by Vincent K. McMahon himself, and penned by the greatest crack staff of Historians EVER: The vaunted and celebrated WWE Creative Team! It's a winning combination!

 

So, feel free to browse the site, and be sure to check out our exciting programming schedule! And above all, enjoy! Or don't. It doesn't matter one way or the other, honestly. We're writing the story now, mister. History will show you LOVED it. Anything can happen in the WWE~!

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SPOTLIGHT:

THE SALEM CRUISERWEIGHT TRIALS.

 

An investigation into one of our nations darkest and most unfortunate times.

 

In 1692, Salem Massachusetts finally put an end to its infamous Salem Cruiserweight Trials. It is speculated that many individuals under 6 feet tall and weighing less than 200 pounds were sentenced to death for "dark knowledge of wrestling", which in many cases, left the ground. Given the choice to renounce their heresy (and use actual "credible" holds like spinebusters) or burn at the stake, many young light heavyweights chose to stand up for their brand of wrestling. Idiots. Join John "Huge superstar in Japan, but that 'skateboard guy' everywhere else" Lauranaitis as he looks back at many of these deaths on a case by case basis, before laughing, pointing, and inquiring if it is indeed possible to fire people who have been dead for over three hundred years.

More >

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VIKING WEEK!:

ERIC IN THE RED! 

 

Each week, The History channel is proud to spotlight a different Viking, and their many contributions to history! Well, except THIS Viking. He never accomplished ANYTHING!... and you'd be be best to just forget he ever existed! We sure have!

 

This week, we look at infamous Viking explorer, Eric in the Red, and learn how he subsequently ran, umm, "Greenland" into bankruptcy with frivolous overspending and a penchant for promoting live concerts instead of umm, plundering? Sounds about right. Bottom line, he's not half the businessman Vince is!

 

That's the show. Yup.

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PORTRAIT OF A PRESIDENT: ONE OF A KIND- THE TRUE STORY OF MARTIN "ROB" VAN BUREN.

 

The completely true story of the 8th President of the United States "Mr. Money in the Second Bank" Martin "Rob" Van Buren. A Man who took his educated feet...and head, to the highest office in the land.

 

Buren was elected President in 1836. After his infamous inauguration speech where he promised that he'd "show us all" that his vocabulary consisted of more than "dude" (fun fact: it didn't), controversy struck when his horse drawn carriage was pulled over by a local magistrate, and OPIUM was discovered amongst his possessions. He was also penalized for not wearing a shirt whilst he traveled, a definite "no-no" for respected Gentlemen at the time....

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 OUTLAW CORNER:

BILLY THE KIDMAN!

 

Each week, History Channel goes to the old west, for a look at infamous gunslingers and outlaws...well, except the James Gang. Fuck those guys!

 

This week, we look at infamous quick draw, Billy The Kidman; a man who reputedly killed 21 men with errant somersaults gone awry.

 

Ultimately he met his end at the hands of Pat Garrett, who allegedly entered a dark room and powerbombed Billy from BEHIND (the only way it'd be possible to powerbomb the man!)

 

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FALL OF THE AZTEC EMPIRE AND THE CONQUISTADORS!

 

It's the amazing TRUE story of how two middle aged Puerto Ricans in yellow tinfoil defeated the entire Aztec nation..yet couldn't survive the 1988 Survivor Series!

 

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 CONQUERORS OF HISTORY!:

ATTILA THE HUNTER HEARST HELMSLEY!

 

Join History Channel as we chronicle History's most notable conquerors, plunderers, pillagers and destroyers...not just limited to Vince McMahon!

 

This week, we look at the life of Attila the Hunter Hearst Helmsley! Also nicknamed "the Scourge of the locker room"  err, we mean God.

 

Attila reigned roughshod over most of known world for years, wielding an iron fist (and hammer), angering his Roman counterparts by demanding gold (Ten pounds with a strap) in order to maintain the peace. He ultimately fell in battle, after dismounting his horse, and executing what was thought to be a rudimentary offensive maneuver. From there, many were heard to say.... "Maybe he should just leave that move to the real horsemen from now on..."

 

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 ET TU BRUTUS...THE BARBER BEEFCAKE?: AN EXPOSE INTO THE MURDER OF JULIUS CAESAR!

 

Brand new evidence has surfaced that may link the death of Roman ruler Julius Caesar to one Brutus Beefcake! Apparently, one of the many stab wounds to  Caesar's body matched the serrated edge of a giant pair of red & white gardening shears! These new records put Brother Bruti at the scene, in addition to the somewhat damning evidence that Caesar was believed to have had a significantly fuller head of hair when he entered the senate that day....

 

More >

 
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HOW THE WAR WAS WON:

ADAM BOMB IS DROPPED ON JAPAN!

 

Each week, History Channel looks back at a famous War (Creed better write some new songs, stat!) and show just how the tide was ultimately turned. This week, we look at Hiroshima and Nagasaki in 1945 after being devastated when the Allied Powers (Davey Boy Smith & Lex Luger) dropped Adam Bomb on the two cities. Apparently, the tediousness of Bryan Clarke's ring work was said to be so torturous, that the normally unflinching Japanese forces immediately surrendered. And good thing too, because Clarke's frequent tag team partner Bryan "Crush" Adams was about to be called in to finish the job....

 

Next week: How Emperor Hirohito was never the same after the threat of an alleged Chris Benoit summer time program....

 

And Coming soon: World War 1, featuring Jess McMahon booking the very first Tribute to the Troops in 1914, which ran 18 hours, and featured only one hold: a headlock. (Time limits were subsequently invented the next week...)

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BATTLE OF LITTLE BIG HORN: WHAT REALLY HAPPENED....

 

History has taught us that Custer's entire 7th Calvary was decimated by a combined Cheyenne/Lakota tribe effort. Well, we don't like that story. So here's the REAL one. Custer's forces WERE defeated by a Lakota, all right... but it was only one: TATANKA. History will now show that Tatanka defeated over 700 soldiers with Samoan drops, chops and flying body presses. It's true. Custer's ultimate undoing is now said to be the fact that he tried to punch Tatanka while he was dancing in a circle. BIG MISTAKE.

 

All in all it was one of the worst Military massacres in the history of the U.S., and since everyone on Smackdown has easily defeated Tatanka, this clearly proves that had say Miz, been deployed to Vietnam, we'd have won that one too. Clearly.

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THE LIFE AND TIMES OF LEONARDO DA VINCEY

 

In this feature, we'll look at the life and times of Da Vincey, widely considered the handsomest and most talented man who ever lived. In fact, women found themselves mysteriously attracted to him, and not because he was the boss and wrote it that way. Glad we cleared that up.

 

Da Vincey is credited as being one of the most influential men in history as many of his inventions and innovations were completely groundbreaking. He then stopped "inventing and innovating" things around his 60th birthday for no apparent reason, and instead chose to only paint and sculpt the EXACT SAME things weekly, despite the fact no one was interested in seeing them. But hey, who are we to question a genius?

 

Da Vincey's most famous work is probably the mysterious "Mona Steph". Her identity is still a mystery to this day. But man, you can just tell by looking at her that she's brilliant and would probably be a pretty competent writer today, umm, if she was alive... which she's clearly not. We'll stop now.

More >

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RE-WRITING HISTORY!

 

Introducing a daily series from the History Channel where we here at WWE, debunk certain mistruths, rumors and out and out lies. And much like WCW theme music on DVDs, sometimes things just need to be inexplicably re-written with no reason given whatsoever other than pettiness. 

 

OK, then. Here are some impending episodes:

 

-David vs. Goliath: BOLD FACED LIE: Join host Vince McMahon as he blows the lid off of the lie that has plagued the bible for thousands of years. Exhaustive research (and common sense, damn it) have revealed that Goliath handily defeated David in a squash in their famed Old Testament battle. And if not... well, he should have! It's a known fact in certain circles that David couldn't work Philistine style and relied too heavily on props like sling-shots. Plus, did we mention Goliath was an honest to goodness giant? Come on!

 

-Constantine and the Cross  Symbol: History Channel explores the Roman Empire's transition from Pagan god's to McMahonism during the reign of Emperor Constantine.

 

-MYSTERIES OF THE BIBLE SOLVED: Shawn Michaels hosts this interesting and informative look on Judas' betrayal of Jesus. According to new information, Judas did not turn in the Christ for 30 pieces of silver, but rather blindsided the savior with a treacherous superkick, before throwing him through the plate glass (stained glass?) window of popular local interview show "The Barabbas shop".

 

-THE FALL OF BATISTA: A look at the high-flying lucha communist occupation of Cuba by Fidel Castro and "Chavo Guevara"... and the ultimate downfall of then dictator "The Animal" Fulgencio "Dave" Batista, who was deposed of his "title" only after tearing his triceps while running alongside a Havana road during his morning jog.

 

-Conspiracy Theory: The Kennedy Assassination: No explanations needed, obviously.

 

-The Fall of the Resistance: Just what caused Germany's somewhat easy occupation of France? New information has been revealed that three key members of the Resistance may have nonsensically relocated to Quebec for no reason. Who knew?

 

- MATCH MADE IN HEAVEN: A look back to the fairytale wedding of Queen Victoria to Prince Albert in 1840. Things would soon sour for the royal pair due to what is described as "copious amounts of body hair" and the fact he had a bad habit of double choke-bombing her Lady's in waiting....

 

-Snitsky vs. Wade: the court case that divided a nation. Join the History Channel as we document Gene Snitsky's hard fought victory to legalize abortions. The steel chair part? Not so much.

 

-The Life of Marcus Alexander Bagwell The Great: Relive the conquests and triumphs, then death of the "Great" one (Alexander the "extremely overrated and mediocre" didn't have the same ring..) and learn the REAL reason for his failure to attain India (His Mom flat out told him "no".)

 

- QUIRKY FACTS: A look at random factoids that you may or may not know. Example: Did you know that the Pilgrims actually landed on Plymouth Rocky Maivia? And that's actually the real reason why we eat pie at Thanksgiving!

 

-WORLD'S FIRSTS: The Americas are actually first discovered by the Berzerker in 1001 when he lands in Newfoundland!... he then proceeds to grab and toss local natives over a roped off area for no reason. 

 

-THE TWO FACES OF MOSES: New evidence has come to the forefront that just may paint an all-new picture of Moses, emancipator of the Jews. And that picture? A diminutive loud talking balding man with long pony tail, and absolute no business sense whatsoever. Join History Channel, as we reveal the REAL reason the Tribe of Extreme err Judea roamed the desert for 40 years...Moses secretly made off with all the Golden Idols to film Rollerball...

 

 
I'm Sean.

 
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

 
http://www.thewrestlingfan.com/
Or, for EVEN MORE Sean Carless goodness, check out my BLOG right HERE~!