Welcome to "WWE CLOSED CAPTIONS". Actual
100% legitimate Closed Captions aired on the Score
out of Canada. Jesus Christ. Either someone *really*
hates deaf people, or has a serious case of A.D.D.
In any event, join Josh Richard
(originally Guyofownage from Wrestlecrap's forums) as he
painstakingly scribes these insane notes! (Full previous
archives to come!).
Welcome to another
installment of WWE Closed Captions, made possible by the
incompetence of Canada's very own, The Score! In this
edition, find out The Score's rather homoerotic name for
a "Beat The Clock" match, and watch as their closed
caption team can't get Shaquille O'Neal's name
guest host has been in MVP 15 times. He is a TNA
superstar. Tonight, Shag has Slim Jim power. He gets
on the mic and says, "Brown gays told me to say
hello. I'm happy to be scaring Raw. Lysol, let's
have a great time tonight." He announces a Five Men
in the Safety Box Challenge. He says, "We've got
Triple H too much. We've got NDP. We've got Jack
Sweiger. We've got Marc-Andre. And John's Semen." He
pumps up the crowd by asking them, "Beasties, are
you ready?" He is interrupted by Chris Jericho's
theme, which starts out with the lyrics "Break the
Wall of Sound". Jared knows. Jericho says, "I caught
Cody crying." Shank responds, "Hold up Chrissy,
we'll be dating here tonight anyway." Jericho gets
angry at the crowd and responds, "It's a Christian
website." He continues on and says, "I demand to be
consulted by Benson and every member of the occult."
He brings out the Big Load, whose theme begins with
the lyrics, "Well, it's the Jesus". Jerry Lawler
says, "Oh, good meat." Big Show says, "You tried to
be intimate and blow me. It's been intimidating me,
so get out." Shag says that he does not consider
Rajon Show to be a great athlete, and challenges him
to rape now. Big Show responds, "I'll pick my feet
with your 7 foot tool. I will tickle you and date
Stern and the entire NBA will come down on my ass.
So look at Lebron James' rod. I don't want them
breeding me." Sam responds by saying, "Shit,
please." He makes a tag team match for tonight,
where he will be the OEM of edits. Michael Cole
says, "Shagging large and hard." Shag leads the
crowd in a chant of "Chris jeans suck!"
is the first Beat the Cock match! Here's a Silly
Texan, the World's Wrongest Man, Marc-Andre! Guest
house Shakeel O'Neill set this match up. He was
shagging knee deep. Matuidi will set the time to
beat for the rest of the evening. Mark Henry has
beat John. Michael Cole says, "His cock is in the
back of the arena." They're back on him, and he
realizes what she was trying to get. With Ham in
her, he is half of all fully okay. We'll see what he
can do with his hands in Jomo. There are live deer
tonight on Raw. Raw has lemons if you want to come.
Carlito has to use a quicky. He must get the big man
off his feast. There's another cover by Henry A.
Marcus. He realizes it's time to lick. Michael Cole
says, "Send me pic." Those are half queers. Mark Ken
Reid is massive. The coroner is coming up. Carlito
decides the best way to win is to sleep with him.
This could be a huge mess. Look at Mark Henry, he
could be castrated. Corino goes for the Banana, but
misses because of Henry's thong, which he can't
bring down. Cole says he once saw Khali put one on.
It will be time to leave at 6:49.
Up next, Missy
will lead her term into six penis action on Monday
In a replay
from Night of Champions, Mickie won the DVD
Championship. She is the new Dealer's Champion.
We are here
tonight in our nation's castle, right here in DCD.
We are wearing skin with Jason Campbell.
the new Geeks Champion, enters with her team. She is
excited to be the David Champion. According to the
CCs, her "muzak" is playing. Lawler is also excited
because this match has 6 beautiful bleeders. He is
also orange and by himself. Michael Cole has been
assigned to go backstage and shag our guest host.
Lawler continues by saying, "This should be a work
of bytes received and later. I generally know where
life leads me. What I actually wanted was sushi, but
he couldn't. Look, tits!" In reference to Beth, he
asks, "Why do we call her Jason's son?" He doesn't
want a girl with bigger teeth. Last night at Neither
Champion, Mickie became the new He Was Champion.
Marines was kicked and disturbed and got off with
Mendez. She was with Sydal. Barrett is Mickie James.
It's really rolling with comatose lions. They
couldn't focus for a second while she came. What a
flying head there. Gail Kim and Kelly Kelly are more
than friends. Look at that flying head there. After
the 3 count, Lawler cries out "Mess!" He finishes
the segment by saying, "Go to the spoilers, I hope I
don't get spoilers."
backstage, asks Shaggy O'Neal about "having the
opportunity to hold my naked rod." When Hornswoggle
entered, he is told "No disabled in my office."
However, we end up finding out that Shelve and
Hornswoggle got high and screwed. Shag wants
Hornswoggle to dust his balls. Michael Cole says,
"Oh my, that was fagalicious!"
appears for the WWE Canada Update. He says,
"Marrying is fine."
is a Beat the Clog match. MVP's theme contains the
lyric, "I'm gunning." Michael Cole was expecting to
fist bum or dance with Jam. Lawler asks, "Did you
really shag him?" The Crypt Master makes his WWE
return. Remember the early five in the challenge is
for a spoiler note. Master Reese is back here
tonight. Cole didn't think he'd see a massive penis
here tonight. What a vicious goldmine. He's coming
in his face with a sense of urgency. Beating Chris
Mathur is not a given. MVP goes for the comer. MVP
must get a win in 5 seconds over Christ Masters.
Could Masters be going for the Massive Cock again?
This is a Beat the Rock Challenge. There are
15,140,000 people in attendance. Ed O'Neill is your
guest host tonight. Masters giggles now. With less
than 4 men left, this will not help Mark Kenseth egg
Carlito. Lawler says to Cole, "You were going off."
And there it is, the Massive Cock! Unfortunately,
MVP will not beat the cock. MVP is really oily.
AK Slater will
still have a chance to beat the cock, and Factor
Blades will square off with Legacy when he faces
Encoding Roads after Legacy crotch Triple H. Hasn't
Kenny beat the clock on Raw?
And look at
this, Matt Primetime is in the house. Shaman O'Neill
will be the special guest fork.
This match is
set for water fall. Weighing in at 184 pounds,
Female Kendrick! He must be that time of the month.
Here comes the United States Sham. From Jamaica,
weighing in at 21 pounds, he is the United States
President, Kofi Kingston! Kendrick says to Lawler,
"You think I was sombrero last week on television?
Kendrick has trouble typing, which causes him to
lose the match. Kendrick bangs four cows. Michael
Cole says, "All I can say is Brian Kendrick poops."
Kendrick has no cows. He was so busy in Jerry Lawler
that he forgot the start of the match.
Blades has been assaulted by Legacy DBC backstage.
They went right for the lag. DiBiase took the club
and put it right in Triple H.
Can Cody beat
the cock of Triple H? This match is huge for Summers
Lamb. Your Blades must win in 40 seconds. Cody
Rhodes vomits after attacking a cheese cake. Last
night, the sex was applied, and Andy Orton tapped
out by closing his temple. Cody Rosewood Pachesco
was a pretty balling liberal for Cena. Dodge Viper
struck and look at Gail coming down on the sack of
John Cena. The words "It's time to say my name" are
heard, signalling the entrance of Ric Flair H.
Ladies and gentlemen, you are watching a weak,
sporadic television show that's history. We are live
in Abraham Washington. Can Triple H be the clock?
These Beat the Cock matches were set up tonight by
Squeal For Real. He is a large mark. Triple H
Webster is in that leg. Whoever is the shortest goes
on to Summers Lamb to play Randy Orton. Triple H was
Rambo in the back. 15,000 SXE fans are on their
feet. The lot of them are here to see rape for the
first time. Is Triple H Indian? What a cheap shot by
Ted Legacy. They are looking to exploit lockdown.
Michael Cole says, "Speaking of Prime Time, Shave
Rico O'Neal has great hands." DB Afghan is out to
stop the melting roadside. Rhodes is back to sword
work. With 5 left, can Rhodes pull off Mark Henry?
Jack's Wagger is swell, or so says Michael Cole.
Cole continues on by saying, "Look at Triple H. No
ass is bad." Nazis tried to damage Your Blades, who
is just looking for a separation. Rhoads likes the
ass and legs. This sold out crowd is not allowing
Your Blades to advance. Michael Cole says, "I have 3
mints. This is desperate time, as the cock is down."
You know the WWW Champion is here to pick apart
Triple Snake. Triple H gets a couple of nice boobs
to the jaw. He must win this match in 2 hours and 20
minutes. Cody Rhodes wants to tap that. Triple H's
pet is green. Cody gets the Frickin Four Leg Lock on
Triple H. Your Blades can not stand the paint, with
15 minutes to go. Will this opening for men last? He
must beat the cock with his legs. Does he have
anything left for 30 seconds to have a quick
DiBiase? The legs give out after a gun shot. He
tries to get it, but he can't tap it. Triple H is
unqualified. What a disappointment. The time to beat
is still 6 hours. Randy Ort Bone must be very happy
Santino says to Shag, "How did you get so cute?"
Prime Time enters and says, "Yeah look at the Friday
champions. Monday money, yeah yeah!" Santino says,
"His name is Sack, and I am making Rob bi, I will do
it for sure. I adopted Angelina Jolie and an Asian
BB." Shag says, "What the hell? Vince McMahon is so
Raw is live
tonight from our nation's asshole. Thomas Jefferson
and Shackville Oh Neal might have Washington
cleaned. Will we pick Jaleel O'Neill? His career is
is scheduled for windfall. Introducing Horn
Swallows! Michael Cole asks, "Can I load them
together? I've asked him about Thomas Jefferson. Can
he marry me?" You can collect all 5 WWE grasses this
Saturday. Lillian announces, "Chavo Gay Rare Old
must compete in my hole blindfondled!" The Jet is
here. This is a hilarious, what a night for shagging
people. There will be most for those people in
O'Neal as they have made a pact here tonight on Raw.
Blog Hold is blindfondled. Michael Cole says, "That
could hurt me. Ow!" It's time for the Tadpole
Lashley. Back it up, let's go! This is cheesy. The
divine Hornswoggled is looking for a connection.
Chavo is trying to measure the horn. He wants to
jump on the top row. Horns Wog Hole will smoke the
top rope. Hotrenault against Chavo thanks to Shag
Jack Slater introduces himself to Randy Orton. He
says, "Randy, I'm amused, I have a badge, too."
Orton responds, "Am I supposed to be bare?" Slater
says he is bigger than Roger on Sunday. After
Swagger leaves, Marc-Andre approaches Orton, who, we
are told, is squirting.
post-commercial disclaimer advises viewers by saying
"Viewer erection advice."
Blackman is a
very special guest tonight.
for another Beat the Cock man. Michael Cole says,
"Beat me Matt Horny with Mark Swagger." The MVP
needed to drown after a shocking return from Triple
H. Jack's Tire was pretty cocky moments ago, but he
will have his hands full with Evan Moore. He
certainly wants it dark. They can beat the cock.
Swagger is a former WWE Champion, apparently. Born
is deep in space. Scott Swagger has past seven porns
in Randy Orton's locker room after scoring Neo. His
opponent is nude and they beat the tide as well.
Whatever happens in this match, John Emo will have
the final opportunity to seize the cock and go to
Summer of Sam. Jerry Lawler wants to shag some
bitches. Michael Cole responds to him, "You don't
get out much." Lawler finally says to Cole, "I
admit, I like some porn." Swaggert launches Born
onto the roof, he's gone. Swagger is in Born again.
He's gone against Liger and won. He has been on
Debbie like a Yorky. Perhaps he will go for the
power of Drew and hold a moth. And that's it with
summer time, what huge sex. Evan Boring wins the
match. The final cock will be a doozy as John
Screamer's opponent will be The Men. They must do a
649 to attack at Summer Sam.
gentlemen, the daschound next week will be the
Slammy Award winner who has the goods to sell Die
Hard, Jerry Event!
says, "We have to drink beers after what's
transpired here tonight. Triple H wet Cody's bed
worse than Rhoads. Disease could erode to DB ASCII.
Triple H will not get a summer tan. Triple H has
boys in a bottle. Backstage, Triple H says, "All
this time, I've hated straight, I'll take it to
Randy Orton. The tail is the wang of the dog. Randy
Orton, without legs, has been CM Punk. He's always
been. If you cut the dick off the dog, it smiles."
He challenges DB ASCII and Rose to fence him next
week. He continues, "In life every now and then, you
come across a guy you shouldn't screw. I'm that
This is the
final Beat the Cock match. From Cleveland Ohio, The
Miss! He is a fan of the Cleveland Shandaliers, and
is thrilled to shag for time. His foolproof plan is
for Shack to shit whenever he plays Wizards. It's
always a game. An opposing team doesn't clog. It
doesn't make the Wizards or Washington wreck things.
He does not have to beat John Seen A. He doesn't
have to be John Cena. He says, "I did last week in
49 seconds. I know what you're thinking Kenny, I can
do it on the Kiss Cam. I can, I'm the divine man,
and I am off men.
commercial, we are told that Randy Orton's theme
contains the lyrics, "They took Timmy." Randy Orca
has joined us at ringside. At the end of this match,
Orca will know if he's facing Orton at SummerSlam.
He'll be facing John Dean at Summerslam. John Cena's
theme apparently contains the lyrics, "It's time to
plow." As simple as it sounds, she must be the
establishment tonight in six minutes and 49 pounds.
He must gain entry to SummerSlam to be Randy Orton
for the championship. Jonathan Coachman suddenly
pops up on commentary. This sudden appearance is
followed by Michael Cole saying, "He won't pick up
the headphones, he has his watch." John Winger has
45 minutes left. Cole says, "Match underway, my cock
begins to gun. I squirt in a horse's mouth." Cena
must run the cock off the Miz. He's being counted
out, he's already Sun King. He has 9 and 23/4
seconds left, and Cena is back in him. It's a top
opportunity for them to be a bronze couple, and they
kick out the man wig. Cena goes for the SEX, but
fails. There's not much of it at Dairy Queen. Is
Hank Aaron watching? This match deserves its own
arena tonight. How eccentric. Poor Miz has been left
in John Cena. They have a snare up in the ring like
a lead man. JohN Cena is losing his cable. Cena
could lose by discount now. Michael Cole says, "I've
got a second to finish, he does." Mrs. Sundin gets
it on him. Sundin has plenty of time. He taps it. He
has splattered Mark Henry's tiny P. He realizes he's
no longer alone in wearing braces. They will staple
others in 4 weeks at Summers Lamb.
Oh no, here
comes the huge Shockmaster.
would like to thank Senator Aerosmith for the Safety
Summer Slam theme. We can visit Arrow Force One for
What a night
it's been for Maggie O'Neal. Next week, AAA Cody
Rhodes will face DiBiase in 10 weeks. Is it a slab,
or they just done yet?
O'Neal will be the enforcer for this match. King
Herod makes his way to the ring. He is the other
half of the Unicycle Tag Team Champions with
Bischoff. Jericho is a five tub pie. GI Joe and
Chris Jericho are 5-time Unicycle tag champions.
That was a smart choice to fart 525 pounds. Grimer
Time and MVP enters. They're one of top 50 deadly
celebrities. Christina and Malachai get away with
folding their arms. Chris Jericho is a tease. Look
at the size of Billy. Big Show wouldn't shag Shakeel
O'Neal. There is Shazam for Shack, it really looks
like him in the Big Show. Sham is just rubbing it.
Michael Cole says, "I go a minute a year, that is
supposed to be enforced here." Shageel could ball a
basketball. Jericho takes on Jericho. JTG is back in
Jericho again. The Big Show is erased. The referee
vomited on the Big Show. Oh no, Show is going for a
Go Slim. He's really gone and looking to shag. Go
Shaw, look at this. Shake picked up a phone and
called his mom. He is getting some wood. Big Show
looks like he's drunk. Sam drinks gall bladders.
Cole cries out "Boo Shack's mama!" Big Show really
clamped it on down there. Cecile ran over the Big
Show. There's the big showing of Chris Jericho. What
a huge ass. If you're watching right now, you'll be
gutted next week. Watch Raw for Abraham Washington!
And that's all
for this week's Raw CCs. Remember to stop by TWF
this weekend for more WWE Closed Captions!
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