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Welcome to "WWE CLOSED CAPTIONS". Actual 100% legitimate  Closed Captions aired on the Score out of Canada. Jesus Christ. Either someone *really* hates deaf people, or has a serious case of A.D.D.

In any event, join Josh Richard (originally Guyofownage from Wrestlecrap's forums) as he painstakingly scribes these insane notes! (Full previous archives to come!).

RAW: 07/27/09:

Welcome to another installment of WWE Closed Captions, made possible by the incompetence of Canada's very own, The Score! In this edition, find out The Score's rather homoerotic name for a "Beat The Clock" match, and watch as their closed caption team can't get Shaquille O'Neal's name right...even once.

Tonight's guest host has been in MVP 15 times. He is a TNA superstar. Tonight, Shag has Slim Jim power. He gets on the mic and says, "Brown gays told me to say hello. I'm happy to be scaring Raw. Lysol, let's have a great time tonight." He announces a Five Men in the Safety Box Challenge. He says, "We've got Triple H too much. We've got NDP. We've got Jack Sweiger. We've got Marc-Andre. And John's Semen." He pumps up the crowd by asking them, "Beasties, are you ready?" He is interrupted by Chris Jericho's theme, which starts out with the lyrics "Break the Wall of Sound". Jared knows. Jericho says, "I caught Cody crying." Shank responds, "Hold up Chrissy, we'll be dating here tonight anyway." Jericho gets angry at the crowd and responds, "It's a Christian website." He continues on and says, "I demand to be consulted by Benson and every member of the occult." He brings out the Big Load, whose theme begins with the lyrics, "Well, it's the Jesus". Jerry Lawler says, "Oh, good meat." Big Show says, "You tried to be intimate and blow me. It's been intimidating me, so get out." Shag says that he does not consider Rajon Show to be a great athlete, and challenges him to rape now. Big Show responds, "I'll pick my feet with your 7 foot tool. I will tickle you and date Stern and the entire NBA will come down on my ass. So look at Lebron James' rod. I don't want them breeding me." Sam responds by saying, "Shit, please." He makes a tag team match for tonight, where he will be the OEM of edits. Michael Cole says, "Shagging large and hard." Shag leads the crowd in a chant of "Chris jeans suck!"
The following is the first Beat the Cock match! Here's a Silly Texan, the World's Wrongest Man, Marc-Andre! Guest house Shakeel O'Neill set this match up. He was shagging knee deep. Matuidi will set the time to beat for the rest of the evening. Mark Henry has beat John. Michael Cole says, "His cock is in the back of the arena." They're back on him, and he realizes what she was trying to get. With Ham in her, he is half of all fully okay. We'll see what he can do with his hands in Jomo. There are live deer tonight on Raw. Raw has lemons if you want to come. Carlito has to use a quicky. He must get the big man off his feast. There's another cover by Henry A. Marcus. He realizes it's time to lick. Michael Cole says, "Send me pic." Those are half queers. Mark Ken Reid is massive. The coroner is coming up. Carlito decides the best way to win is to sleep with him. This could be a huge mess. Look at Mark Henry, he could be castrated. Corino goes for the Banana, but misses because of Henry's thong, which he can't bring down. Cole says he once saw Khali put one on. It will be time to leave at 6:49.
Up next, Missy will lead her term into six penis action on Monday Night Raw.
In a replay from Night of Champions, Mickie won the DVD Championship. She is the new Dealer's Champion.
We are here tonight in our nation's castle, right here in DCD. We are wearing skin with Jason Campbell.
Mickie Jade, the new Geeks Champion, enters with her team. She is excited to be the David Champion. According to the CCs, her "muzak" is playing. Lawler is also excited because this match has 6 beautiful bleeders. He is also orange and by himself. Michael Cole has been assigned to go backstage and shag our guest host. Lawler continues by saying, "This should be a work of bytes received and later. I generally know where life leads me. What I actually wanted was sushi, but he couldn't. Look, tits!" In reference to Beth, he asks, "Why do we call her Jason's son?" He doesn't want a girl with bigger teeth. Last night at Neither Champion, Mickie became the new He Was Champion. Marines was kicked and disturbed and got off with Mendez. She was with Sydal. Barrett is Mickie James. It's really rolling with comatose lions. They couldn't focus for a second while she came. What a flying head there. Gail Kim and Kelly Kelly are more than friends. Look at that flying head there. After the 3 count, Lawler cries out "Mess!" He finishes the segment by saying, "Go to the spoilers, I hope I don't get spoilers."
Michael Cole, backstage, asks Shaggy O'Neal about "having the opportunity to hold my naked rod." When Hornswoggle entered, he is told "No disabled in my office." However, we end up finding out that Shelve and Hornswoggle got high and screwed. Shag wants Hornswoggle to dust his balls. Michael Cole says, "Oh my, that was fagalicious!"
Shaq Korpela appears for the WWE Canada Update. He says, "Marrying is fine."
The following is a Beat the Clog match. MVP's theme contains the lyric, "I'm gunning." Michael Cole was expecting to fist bum or dance with Jam. Lawler asks, "Did you really shag him?" The Crypt Master makes his WWE return. Remember the early five in the challenge is for a spoiler note. Master Reese is back here tonight. Cole didn't think he'd see a massive penis here tonight. What a vicious goldmine. He's coming in his face with a sense of urgency. Beating Chris Mathur is not a given. MVP goes for the comer. MVP must get a win in 5 seconds over Christ Masters. Could Masters be going for the Massive Cock again? This is a Beat the Rock Challenge. There are 15,140,000 people in attendance. Ed O'Neill is your guest host tonight. Masters giggles now. With less than 4 men left, this will not help Mark Kenseth egg Carlito. Lawler says to Cole, "You were going off." And there it is, the Massive Cock! Unfortunately, MVP will not beat the cock. MVP is really oily.
AK Slater will still have a chance to beat the cock, and Factor Blades will square off with Legacy when he faces Encoding Roads after Legacy crotch Triple H. Hasn't Kenny beat the clock on Raw?
And look at this, Matt Primetime is in the house. Shaman O'Neill will be the special guest fork.
This match is set for water fall. Weighing in at 184 pounds, Female Kendrick! He must be that time of the month. Here comes the United States Sham. From Jamaica, weighing in at 21 pounds, he is the United States President, Kofi Kingston! Kendrick says to Lawler, "You think I was sombrero last week on television? Kendrick has trouble typing, which causes him to lose the match. Kendrick bangs four cows. Michael Cole says, "All I can say is Brian Kendrick poops." Kendrick has no cows. He was so busy in Jerry Lawler that he forgot the start of the match.
Barrister Blades has been assaulted by Legacy DBC backstage. They went right for the lag. DiBiase took the club and put it right in Triple H.
Can Cody beat the cock of Triple H? This match is huge for Summers Lamb. Your Blades must win in 40 seconds. Cody Rhodes vomits after attacking a cheese cake. Last night, the sex was applied, and Andy Orton tapped out by closing his temple. Cody Rosewood Pachesco was a pretty balling liberal for Cena. Dodge Viper struck and look at Gail coming down on the sack of John Cena. The words "It's time to say my name" are heard, signalling the entrance of Ric Flair H. Ladies and gentlemen, you are watching a weak, sporadic television show that's history. We are live in Abraham Washington. Can Triple H be the clock? These Beat the Cock matches were set up tonight by Squeal For Real. He is a large mark. Triple H Webster is in that leg. Whoever is the shortest goes on to Summers Lamb to play Randy Orton. Triple H was Rambo in the back. 15,000 SXE fans are on their feet. The lot of them are here to see rape for the first time. Is Triple H Indian? What a cheap shot by Ted Legacy. They are looking to exploit lockdown. Michael Cole says, "Speaking of Prime Time, Shave Rico O'Neal has great hands." DB Afghan is out to stop the melting roadside. Rhodes is back to sword work. With 5 left, can Rhodes pull off Mark Henry? Jack's Wagger is swell, or so says Michael Cole. Cole continues on by saying, "Look at Triple H. No ass is bad." Nazis tried to damage Your Blades, who is just looking for a separation. Rhoads likes the ass and legs. This sold out crowd is not allowing Your Blades to advance. Michael Cole says, "I have 3 mints. This is desperate time, as the cock is down." You know the WWW Champion is here to pick apart Triple Snake. Triple H gets a couple of nice boobs to the jaw. He must win this match in 2 hours and 20 minutes. Cody Rhodes wants to tap that. Triple H's pet is green. Cody gets the Frickin Four Leg Lock on Triple H. Your Blades can not stand the paint, with 15 minutes to go. Will this opening for men last? He must beat the cock with his legs. Does he have anything left for 30 seconds to have a quick DiBiase? The legs give out after a gun shot. He tries to get it, but he can't tap it. Triple H is unqualified. What a disappointment. The time to beat is still 6 hours. Randy Ort Bone must be very happy right now.
Backstage, Santino says to Shag, "How did you get so cute?" Prime Time enters and says, "Yeah look at the Friday champions. Monday money, yeah yeah!" Santino says, "His name is Sack, and I am making Rob bi, I will do it for sure. I adopted Angelina Jolie and an Asian BB." Shag says, "What the hell? Vince McMahon is so lame."
Raw is live tonight from our nation's asshole. Thomas Jefferson and Shackville Oh Neal might have Washington cleaned. Will we pick Jaleel O'Neill? His career is dead sea.
This contest is scheduled for windfall. Introducing Horn Swallows! Michael Cole asks, "Can I load them together? I've asked him about Thomas Jefferson. Can he marry me?" You can collect all 5 WWE grasses this Saturday. Lillian announces, "Chavo Gay Rare Old must compete in my hole blindfondled!" The Jet is here. This is a hilarious, what a night for shagging people. There will be most for those people in O'Neal as they have made a pact here tonight on Raw. Blog Hold is blindfondled. Michael Cole says, "That could hurt me. Ow!" It's time for the Tadpole Lashley. Back it up, let's go! This is cheesy. The divine Hornswoggled is looking for a connection. Chavo is trying to measure the horn. He wants to jump on the top row. Horns Wog Hole will smoke the top rope. Hotrenault against Chavo thanks to Shag Deals tonight.
Backstage, Jack Slater introduces himself to Randy Orton. He says, "Randy, I'm amused, I have a badge, too." Orton responds, "Am I supposed to be bare?" Slater says he is bigger than Roger on Sunday. After Swagger leaves, Marc-Andre approaches Orton, who, we are told, is squirting.
The Score's post-commercial disclaimer advises viewers by saying "Viewer erection advice."
Blackman is a very special guest tonight.
We're ready for another Beat the Cock man. Michael Cole says, "Beat me Matt Horny with Mark Swagger." The MVP needed to drown after a shocking return from Triple H. Jack's Tire was pretty cocky moments ago, but he will have his hands full with Evan Moore. He certainly wants it dark. They can beat the cock. Swagger is a former WWE Champion, apparently. Born is deep in space. Scott Swagger has past seven porns in Randy Orton's locker room after scoring Neo. His opponent is nude and they beat the tide as well. Whatever happens in this match, John Emo will have the final opportunity to seize the cock and go to Summer of Sam. Jerry Lawler wants to shag some bitches. Michael Cole responds to him, "You don't get out much." Lawler finally says to Cole, "I admit, I like some porn." Swaggert launches Born onto the roof, he's gone. Swagger is in Born again. He's gone against Liger and won. He has been on Debbie like a Yorky. Perhaps he will go for the power of Drew and hold a moth. And that's it with summer time, what huge sex. Evan Boring wins the match. The final cock will be a doozy as John Screamer's opponent will be The Men. They must do a 649 to attack at Summer Sam.
Ladies and gentlemen, the daschound next week will be the Slammy Award winner who has the goods to sell Die Hard, Jerry Event!
Michael Cole says, "We have to drink beers after what's transpired here tonight. Triple H wet Cody's bed worse than Rhoads. Disease could erode to DB ASCII. Triple H will not get a summer tan. Triple H has boys in a bottle. Backstage, Triple H says, "All this time, I've hated straight, I'll take it to Randy Orton. The tail is the wang of the dog. Randy Orton, without legs, has been CM Punk. He's always been. If you cut the dick off the dog, it smiles." He challenges DB ASCII and Rose to fence him next week. He continues, "In life every now and then, you come across a guy you shouldn't screw. I'm that guy."
This is the final Beat the Cock match. From Cleveland Ohio, The Miss! He is a fan of the Cleveland Shandaliers, and is thrilled to shag for time. His foolproof plan is for Shack to shit whenever he plays Wizards. It's always a game. An opposing team doesn't clog. It doesn't make the Wizards or Washington wreck things. He does not have to beat John Seen A. He doesn't have to be John Cena. He says, "I did last week in 49 seconds. I know what you're thinking Kenny, I can do it on the Kiss Cam. I can, I'm the divine man, and I am off men.
Returning from commercial, we are told that Randy Orton's theme contains the lyrics, "They took Timmy." Randy Orca has joined us at ringside. At the end of this match, Orca will know if he's facing Orton at SummerSlam. He'll be facing John Dean at Summerslam. John Cena's theme apparently contains the lyrics, "It's time to plow." As simple as it sounds, she must be the establishment tonight in six minutes and 49 pounds. He must gain entry to SummerSlam to be Randy Orton for the championship. Jonathan Coachman suddenly pops up on commentary. This sudden appearance is followed by Michael Cole saying, "He won't pick up the headphones, he has his watch." John Winger has 45 minutes left. Cole says, "Match underway, my cock begins to gun. I squirt in a horse's mouth." Cena must run the cock off the Miz. He's being counted out, he's already Sun King. He has 9 and 23/4 seconds left, and Cena is back in him. It's a top opportunity for them to be a bronze couple, and they kick out the man wig. Cena goes for the SEX, but fails. There's not much of it at Dairy Queen. Is Hank Aaron watching? This match deserves its own arena tonight. How eccentric. Poor Miz has been left in John Cena. They have a snare up in the ring like a lead man. JohN Cena is losing his cable. Cena could lose by discount now. Michael Cole says, "I've got a second to finish, he does." Mrs. Sundin gets it on him. Sundin has plenty of time. He taps it. He has splattered Mark Henry's tiny P. He realizes he's no longer alone in wearing braces. They will staple others in 4 weeks at Summers Lamb.
Oh no, here comes the huge Shockmaster.
Jerry Lawler would like to thank Senator Aerosmith for the Safety Summer Slam theme. We can visit Arrow Force One for tickets.
What a night it's been for Maggie O'Neal. Next week, AAA Cody Rhodes will face DiBiase in 10 weeks. Is it a slab, or they just done yet?
Shag Deal O'Neal will be the enforcer for this match. King Herod makes his way to the ring. He is the other half of the Unicycle Tag Team Champions with Bischoff. Jericho is a five tub pie. GI Joe and Chris Jericho are 5-time Unicycle tag champions. That was a smart choice to fart 525 pounds. Grimer Time and MVP enters. They're one of top 50 deadly celebrities. Christina and Malachai get away with folding their arms. Chris Jericho is a tease. Look at the size of Billy. Big Show wouldn't shag Shakeel O'Neal. There is Shazam for Shack, it really looks like him in the Big Show. Sham is just rubbing it. Michael Cole says, "I go a minute a year, that is supposed to be enforced here." Shageel could ball a basketball. Jericho takes on Jericho. JTG is back in Jericho again. The Big Show is erased. The referee vomited on the Big Show. Oh no, Show is going for a Go Slim. He's really gone and looking to shag. Go Shaw, look at this. Shake picked up a phone and called his mom. He is getting some wood. Big Show looks like he's drunk. Sam drinks gall bladders. Cole cries out "Boo Shack's mama!" Big Show really clamped it on down there. Cecile ran over the Big Show. There's the big showing of Chris Jericho. What a huge ass. If you're watching right now, you'll be gutted next week. Watch Raw for Abraham Washington!
And that's all for this week's Raw CCs. Remember to stop by TWF this weekend for more WWE Closed Captions!


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).