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Welcome to "WWE CLOSED CAPTIONS". Actual 100% legitimate  Closed Captions aired on the Score out of Canada. Jesus Christ. Either someone *really* hates deaf people, or has a serious case of A.D.D.

In any event, join Josh Richard (originally Guyofownage from Wrestlecrap's forums) as he painstakingly scribes these insane notes! (Full previous archives to come!).

Smackdown: 07/24/09:

Welcome everyone to another edition of WWE Closed Captions, courtesy of Canada's very own, The Score!

Last week, we saw some Tekken action on Smackdown. The capacity crowd was rented. The reverand lost control of the contest when Jeff went to Sin City with CM Punk.

The lyrics to the Smackdown theme apparently say, "If I'm in a Ford, don't ever count me out. I am Arnold Strong, that's what I'm all about. If your cock is green, get used to going down."

It's Nightgown Champions for Rich Vaginas! It's going to be with Tazz. We will have a tag team main event with the Intercontinental Champion Rame Mysterio to be won for once on ice.

From Camera North Carolina, Jiff Poppy! Todd Grisham says, "He is a bit extreme when he ignites me." Hardy can't wait until he gets a crack at Juanfran, where everything is physically possible. He is green for CM Punk. Jeff Hardy embraces the individualism of men, as well as their bitches. Todd hopes that CM Punk can retain water. The crowd chants "Hades". Last week, Louise Anne Punk said that Ryan would wind up as a statistic. He talks about the WWE Ballerinas, who want to be World Heavyweight Champion. Jeff thinks that it's good to shove dicks down everyone's throat. He is the charismatic naked, Jeff Hardy! His opponent, Chris Jericho, is really hard. He'll have a partner in the morning as early as last week. A pyro explosion, followed by the words "Rape Uncle Walt", signifies the entrance of Chris Jericho. Jericho found it is illegal to rap. Friday Night Jericho has no sympathy for Frightening Smackdown. He likes to down the tendencies of their Third Party. Hardy needs to eliminate jerking off quickly. He is not massaging CM Punk. They've never been so popular, the fans of the Undertaker. The number one contender will be coming to the Rumble. Now Jericho is waking up Jeff Hard. Jericho's tag team partner could be the Death Star. Jericho is the best girl at what he does. He's been known for his jogging. He wants to get it off in a Triple Threat match. Punk has done to Hardy what Jaws did. Jericho takes Hardy's legs and feeds it. Jim Ross says, "You're going to collect call your semen." Hardy put his foot on the rolling pin for extra seconds. A "Hotty" chant starts. It's good for Hardy to be blocked out every time. He rules North Carolina. The World Heavyweight Champion is a genre. Hardy is trying on satin and lace, that is extraordinary. That's how Skinner would do it. Who will get to play Daredevil with Jericho? Last night, he teamed up with Sigler. Jim Ross takes note of Jericho's excellent blog. Jericho applies the Ball Mit Jericho. Hardy said bonjour last week, he said bonjour now. Both of these athletes are searching for competence. What a huge hiccup two days before Right Wing Champions. There's nothing quiet when Pissing in the Wind lands on Jericho's head. Jericho is trying to drag Hardy out of acting. They are out with you and a party party we'll be. Jeff Hardy is trying to spell. Ecstacy is a part of Hawidth="630" reunited. It can be beyond the finite Smackdown. What will it be that is Victoria? Jeff Hardy defeats a worthless opponent here on Smackdown. Jim Ross says, "Let's kick out and jack off. Let's count some movies." Hardy is out on Bond for the World Heavyweight Title. He'll get his opportunity for NIght of Chankions. He can prove that he's the best girl.

Backstage, Michelle McCool says, "You have to understand how Mayweather burst into that devious gym." She says that the woman doing her hair smells like Dial. Milena shows up to congratulate her on boning the bird man. She'll vote in the return match. Molina randomly says, "Men's underwear" before walking away.

Punk and Mysterio are in their respective trash bins and will debate Champion vs. Champion in our night here on Finite Smack Down.

Jack Korpela introduces himself as "Hi, I Jack to Bella" to provide the WWE Canada Update. He tells us that we can see the World's Largest Ass, The Big Show, live. We can also see the Master of the 69, CM Punk. It will cost $8000 per ticket.

Welcome back to Rich Man's Vineyard! Let's take a look at Ron Morrison.

During the montage, Matt Striker says, "Look at him suck cock. This is controversial. This is a megastar you are look at, the sexy good guru of gayness. Lohan killed all the hotness. The hottest boy superstar in all of WWE, there is a time limit for Shawn Morrisey." He is the Friday Night Colitis.

From Indiana, standing 73 inches tall, weighing 240 pounds, the Great Chachi! He intruded a session after a victory over Kane's possom. Kane wanted to edit. Kane's a powerful lay. Weighing 29.3 pounds, Night Socks! He is over 76 feet 66 tall. With the ladies in general, where has this man been? The Great Khali does not want to be intimate. It would mean the world to Knox for breeding the Great Khali. Look at the enormous dick of Great Khali. It is just hard to describe how large the Great Khali's tits. Jim Ross cries out, "Good whore!" Might Knox takes advantage. He is showing his aggression towards Kane. He is firing away on grayskull. You can see the impact of Nine Cocks. Polly does not allow Nosferatu to be a distraction, as he uses the Pepsi Plunge to achieve victory. Has there ever been a big one? He invites Kane to get closer to him. Todd Grisham blurts out, "Woo woo woo" when Kane approaches the ring. Khali is ready for Cade. Khali asked him to come down and fuck, but Kane politely declined.

Later on tonight, CM Punk lists all the WWE Skirts.

The words "Brooklyn Hogan" are the opening lyrics and Cryme Tyme's theme and officially begin this week's edition of Worship. They begin the segment by yelling "Hiya hiya hiya hiya". They're the best out of 630 tag divisions. Today's word is stroke. Speaking of greyskull time, here comes the Hard Foundation. Anyone talking about the greatest egg teams of all time? Are they on TV? Jessie, also known as Clam Masher, talks about the lucky streak of California. He says, "Don't mess with the hookers, boys." He follows this up by saying "Snowball me". The Hard Dynasty will see Cryme Tyme in the ring tonight. They better not be caught with any ring rats. Jesse says, "Those are my boyfriends."

The intro to Dolph Ziggler's theme apparently says, "I have erection". Weighing 223 pounds, Walt Disney! He is dating the hottest Dave we've ever seen. Todd Grisham says, "They make a skanky couple, I will say that." Ziggler gets on the mic and says, "You know me as Wiggler Ziggler. Let me give you a little head, I'm not up for big ones. You are all going to know me as Ziggler - Cock Champion." His theme hits again, this time with the lyrics, "I am the Batman." We'll see if he can knock up Rey Mysterio this Sunday. When we return, the young Winger will get action right here on Smackdown.

Nubilism is a pleasure for the wide mine from Belfast. Jim Ross says, "Finney is more dangerous when he lays me. This is not a grape vine for Doll Ziggler to have just 48 years before the biggest match of his career. JR suggests that we should be buying socks for him. JR wonders "Why are they having a contest for me?" When Ziggler sees the opportunity, he seizes tits. That's how he has Maria. Todd Grisham says, "Mysterio will face my balls on Sunday." Ziggler focuses on the deranged art of Finley. Ziggler wants to focus on the kinky 16 championships. We're seeing a blue balls no-sense style from Finley. Finley missed his physical. He's nothing fancy, but has fun making sound. We are told that Zolph Digler is an amateur backstage. Finley was looking to cross dress on the table. The winner of this match as a result of making out, Doll Finger! JR says that impact is stale.

Chris Jericho is still looking for a tally partner.

We are going to hear CM Punk jumping. He is 19, challenging the weak nerds.

Please walk him, uh, CM Pop! One lyric in Punk's theme apparently says, "I must not fall." He gets on the mic and says, "I've come out to challenge Jews, and to learn how to just anal. Because the people who cheer for unjust farting are just like the devices associated with licking molemen. You walk instead of drive, and where's your subscription to Bass Fishing Hour? The doctor told you to put four inside yourself. Aside from myself, there is not a person in this arena that hasn't meditated after using a recreational drug. It's hard to rape Edge with his lifestyle. It's hard to be gay, Edge loves extreme. It's difficult to pee sometimes. It is with a life of olives. I'm positive nobody takes into account that long term effects of Al Jolson's liver. You drink to fuck, right? Eventually, you'll just breath to feel normal." He thinks that small Kurts are disgusting when they pollute their junk with 4000 foreigners. He continues on, "A smart person would have never stared at golfers. I'm the one to meet the bears of bad news. Chances are, you will never ditch Uncle Jack. No one here will find the self control to pull the drink from their ass, or to take the pillow and mount it. It starts by learning to say no to dating. Learn to say no to the nation and control your elf." Jeff Hardy enters and tells Punk, "You got a lot of nurf, but what you don't know about penis could fill Brooklyn. I mean, you're still stuck on yourself, you forgot what it's like to be Jew, man. People mate too late, but those people can chase." Punk responds, "You know what, I'm not going to market you right now. I don't even know my room right now. I'm going to do what I should have done a long time ago - just blame toads." Punk didn't want to rape Hardy today, but on Sunday, he has no choice.

The words "Booker Booker" signify the entrance of Cryme Tyme, who are accompanying Steve Tortoise to the ring tonight. And now, accompanied by the Hard Dynasty, from Frickin Calgary Alberta India, Natasha! She has made a huge impact since coming from WCW to Smackdown. The Hart Family grass hops at Sunday dinner. The Davis Championship will be online at Night of Champions, with Mitchell squaring off against Milk Lita. Earlier tonight, McCool called Jesus the biggest fraud ever. Although you can get butt sex in the Dungeon, Italia can help any opponent that she steps in the ring with. There's a lot of rain shown by Natalia. The Harsh are well-versed in Matt's wrestling. They have the business in their TNA. Later on, CM Punk faces the Intercontinental Champion, banned from the 69, Ray Mysterio! We have seen Eve's poor as part of Crime Time's Word Up every week. She defeats Natalia after a new install from the top rope. What a beautiful moon from Eve. It was right on the money shot. She invented from the top rope. She is a winner tonight over an Italian.

Jericho approaches Great Khali backstage and says, "I wanted to talk to your race. You are one of the grunters to be in the Tag Team Champion Chris Jericho at Night Full of Champions. Khali responds with "Glockenspiel". Jericho is by Runjin Singh, "It would be a great honor to be a champion of any client, let alone one of the unified shagging champions, but he wouldn't want his parts in you." Punjabi does not want to take ballet.

Up next, we see Delicious Ruth in action.

R-Tool comes out rapping. "Y'all know who Diamond is? Wash up, wash up, wash up. You can get some tits, you can get some ass, you better get a bitch, that's where it's at. Rich men get laid? Wash up!" Todd asks JR "What's up" to which JR replies "My johnson." Charlie Josh was not impressed. Charlie Hoss has a very amateur back room. The Truth is going for an early pinfall, trying to Russ Haas. Haas has all the men to expose that body part. The main web page in agility has been memorized. R-Truth blew a navy seal. Tonight, Charlie is targetting the Truth's telephone. He has been very aggressive since Shelton dumped him after going down on her. JR announces to everyone, "I enjoy delicious wang." Charlie can't quick R-Truth. Charlie Hoss can have a lot of fun with men. It's the turnbuckles turn to erase a tooth. Truth takes advantage of a mistake, and emerges victorious after tightening the butt hole.

The Smackdown theme that played during the "Did You Know?" was captioned as "Sand in the ground."

We are less than 48 hours away from Knifing Champions. Monday Night Raw gets a Turtle Threat Match. Rapping Orton and Legacy interrupted the number one tender match. He didn't figure he'd have to face a bot. The Unified Tag Team Championships are steak when Chris Jericho's partner is Taste Testing. Jericho scored a legal goal to select a partner. Ray Mysterio defends his title against Dalmat Sigler. There is nobody like Baby Cereal. Now he must defend against the red hot Dalmat Sigler. The strange superstar Feline Punk will try to get hard while regaining the title. Will he realize his wet dream? In just two days, every title will be on the line at Nightwing Champions. Semen Punk will defend his title in New Delhi against Joe Party. Up next, CM puzzles Ray Mysterio.

Jaleel O'Neal will be in charge this Monday on Raw.

Rey Mysterio's theme apparently has the lyrics, "Boob Job 6900". Over 5 entries were submitted for the mask Rey is wearing tonight, what a great job. The winner is enjoying tonight's Friday Rice Snackdown. Jim Ross says, "Good job Max, see you later tonight little buddy." Ray Mysterio will face Stalled Sigler, and CM Punk will face Departed. These guys are very proficient with their licks. CM Punk has travelled the world perfecting his craft as a blue tie guy first. Ray has few pants as well. Any country you go to, you're likely to see one of Rey's aunts floating around. Punk goes for the cover, but Rarely Does kicks out. Rey goes for the postman exchange. Punk lost Jim Morrison for the second time last week. He is also the heaviest man in the world. That says a lot. Ray wants to be the greatest Experimental Champion ever. Ray is holding his art. Punk delivers a ball slime kick to Mysterio. You are watching our main event of CM Pink raping steros. Things went long for the Inter-Menstrual Champion. Punk has that loan wolf mentality, trying to eat Jeff Hardy's salad. Punk again with the needle. Every single championship will be dedicated on Sunday night. CM Gong reported last week that his pie was back to 100%. Look at this submission manuever, a key lock. Todd Grisham announces that we have stripped CM Punk, who has rated Jeff on his past inner secretions. JR feels that we all have the right to a rectal exam. Rey is having a lot of trouble getting off that water slide. Rey likes preztels. You have to believe Dall Sigler is watching this match with great injustice. Rey Mysterio, much like Hardy, is high. Nice takedown material. Speaking of Dall Sigler, he is the challenger for the Inter-Marital title. He will fake Rey Mysterio this Sunday. In regards to Punk, Grisham cries out "I think he's got Jim!" Mysterio is shaking Punk's cabbage. He is getting to mount CM Punk. More men is the key when heading into Subway. He's thinking 69 on Mysterio. And now Dall Sigler is on the apron. Ray has turned gay, but he is able to kick out. Every night is tight as far as Mysterio is concerned. He is a real gamer. Now CM Punk is hung again, will we see a 69? Rey Mysterio got head for effort. It could be time for Mysterio to go steal. He finally erects, he could have it here. Dall Sigler's assault has just begun. The referee coughs up the bell. Dalmat Zigler is stalking Ray Mysterio. CM Punk starts to riot and wipes him out. Ziggler is now going to take a shit. Punk is just jerking. Jeff Hardy blows a mime on behalf of Ray Mysterio. He had seen enough to go to sleep. CM Ponk with a thunderous Bo Peep on an unspectacled Jeff Hardy. Todd Grisham says, "Punk didn't take too kindly, so look at that, WHAM, in the butt."

And that's all for this week's installment of Smackdown closed caption. Be sure to check in next week for another dose of closed caption chaos!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).