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Welcome to "WWE CLOSED CAPTIONS". Actual 100% legitimate  Closed Captions aired on the Score out of Canada. Jesus Christ. Either someone *really* hates deaf people, or has a serious case of A.D.D.

In any event, join Josh Richard (originally Guyofownage from Wrestlecrap's forums) as he painstakingly scribes these insane notes! (Full previous archives to come!).

RAW: 07/20/09:

I tuned in towards the end of The Score's annoying, pointless countdown show that delays us Canadians 15 minutes, and noticed they were airing an old Dean Malenko match from WCW. The CCs claimed that he honored his father, Forrests in the Waco.

Welcome to Might Analyze live here tonight. Check out our celebrity guest ghosts, hairy rockers Easy Todd!

The intro to John Cena's theme apparently says, "Ow fuck my toe". Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome John Dreamer! Tonight, along with Triple H, he faces Encoding Roads and Ossie, collectively known as Legs Have Seen. John Cena says that the word of the day is spider. He says, "My beard is always excited." He speaks of fans watching at home, and says, "I bet you're doing your usual Wednesday. Where's the sun? My goodness, Free of Top is hosting Monday Night Raw!" He says we are less than a week from Night of Changing. He continues, "Now I'm excited over my wood, yes!" The WWE Nerds will see one of the greatest actors of all time, with the Double Double E Championship on the line. It will be John Sina vs. Rad Abortion vs. Tribal H. Cena goes to continue, when he is interrupted by the words "I rape boys named Ned". There is the weeping champion, Ran Dye Orton! It is guaranteed that Randy Orton is always a showgirl. He will post opponents for himself this Monday on Net of Champions. It may not be too wise for Orton to get inside his opponents. Orton says, "I don't know why you're sighing, John. I caned Triple H in the skull and I paid you for victory. This Sunday, history will pee itself. With this back scratcher, I wasn't paying attention, it's so awesome." Cena says, "Your music says that you have boys in your bed. I have 10,000 in my bed tonight. It sounds like they want me to get an early start and plow your anus." Randy Orton is basking in the rain. Triple H saves Cena from getting brown pounded by Legacy. Michael Cole announces Triple H's arrival by proclaiming, "Here comes the gay!" He is the third piece of the triple threat butt hole. Randy Orton's a goil once again. Triple H says, "You weren't going to fight girls without me. I'm at a point that I never win the WWE title. I don't care if John pins the championship on Sunday. All I care is that you bone." He talks about last week with Sexy, who has stylish design. He was the size of a jobber. A little man plunked Orton's mom last week. Orton wants into tonight's man event. It will be Legs taking on Triple H and John's penis. Cena mentions Orton's angle management problem. Orton put himself in the match so Cena and Triple H would be more concerned about making steak with him. There is no way they could bite together. Cena asked his magic balls earlier, which told him to "Come again later". Ultimately, Triple H and John Cena excess in tonight's match.

Michael Cole says, "Speaking of something huge I love tonight, we have legendary rock hard Pee Pee Now." They arrived this morning.

ZZ Top proclaim themselves as big fans of weed. Santino says, "I'm a big fan of your top. I'm a big fan of your cousin Roswell." They give Santino cheap shard glasses. Time for them to get out of bed and hit the streets undressed.

Last week, Kofi Kingston was on commentary, and said about the Big Show, "No one licks his pussy. I think his dick suffered somebody." Michael Cole gets into the ring and delivers a kick to the back of the net of the Big Show.

Primeau has been having problems with his mother as of late. MVP is already bawling tonight. The Bee Show enters. Primeau is looking for French. ZZ Top is here tonight, but Big Show is always in large Marge. This is a six has been matchup. Kofi Flingston and Jack Phleger start things off. Jack Swygert loves to brag about his geat amateur back now. Kofi is going to have a very difficult time keeping his pants on this Sunday. Men will be a part of this match. MVP is once again bawling. Jack Swygert is getting out of Harris' way. Kofi is in trouble with Jack's wagger. It can't be fun to be in the Big Show. Lawler doesn't like Kofi Kingston shaving with Big Show. Cole says, "I think he's just like Billy." Carlito just wants a walk in the park. Cole says, "I kick out of bed with Kofi Kingston," and talks about Kofi's controlled French kiss. Prima wants into this man so bad. Prima is sad enough to give his brother head. Carlito was in rubble. Carlo and Rico are legal. The Big Show spears Primote. Look at how Primo's butt hurts after covering his brother. The Big Show's size can cover the United States Championship. Thanks to David's Butter for sponsoring this match.

Backstage, Santino says, "Did you see me blow Show? It's almost as exciting as your summer tour." They'll have their friends Aerosol with them. Now, it's Really Hot with Chris Jericho for the first time. Jericho talks about his band Ozzy. ZZ Top have never heard of Fawzi. Jericho says, "Maybe if we laid Ron, we could have a show." The band, however, has different ideas. They want Chris Jericho, the World's Strongest Man, to face Mark Henry. Jericho asks, "How I am supposed to tell dad?" to which Steaming Hot replies, "Bow wow wow." They are the guest toast tonight.

Michael Cole quickly mentions some places you can catch them with some whores.

Lee Brian Kendrick wants to be Chris Jericho's partner because of how grainy he is. He says that Jerry Lai Lawler got high and was one half of the tag team champions for over a year. From Venice California, B. Brian Kendrick! Jerry Lai Lollar will be his opponent. Kendrick was mocking the King's dusty clothes. King is in all kinds of troubles with Prank and Drank. Ryan Kendrick is bald and eccentric to say the least. He's in there against The Teen Jerry Lawler. With some left hand jobs, we get a draft from decaying. The King has telegraphed the movie. Bright Kendrick is mocking the team. The ring countered. Cole cries out, "Vintage Decaying Jerry Lawler!" Bessie defeats Brian Kendrick. Lawler has defeated the teen. Everybody's mind is ten.

Josh Matthews announces his guess at this time. She is a 4 time Hooker Champion, Miki James! Josh asks Mickie if she has Maryse's number. Mickie responds, "Sunday is Night of Champions, Josh, got any trampolines?" She complains that Maryse walks around and blows the place. The Miz comes out and says that Marie's schoolbooks are beautiful and she walks like a chicken. He claims that Mickie will waddle and bake shit in 10 years. Apparently, Maryse is ridiculously Texan. He says, "Naked Mickie, you want a real dick?" Comparing her to the Davis Champion Maryse is like comparing Charlie Haas to Ray Charles. Mickie says, "I scored a victory over the Davis Champion, whereas you can score with us all." Maryse enters and pisses in the eyes of Making James.

Raw tonight is NWO Wolf Pack. We will see a Triple Debt match for the WWE Championship in 6 days. Legacy is hoping that AAA.co will not be able to coexist tonight. Can they exorcise here tonight?

Chris Jericho is one half of the Tunified Tagging Champions. Everyone wants to know about his secret hole. Who is planning when he comes in? Michael Cole suddenly says, "I think I'm in love, Chris Jericho is a bombshell." Chris Jericho wasn't expecting to hear this on impact. Mark Henry is watching Chris Jericho like a bug. Chris Jericho and his Mustang faces that man Mark Henry. Nova Scotia was the world's strongest land. Jericho is a pathetic excuse for a human bee. Look at the strength of Mark Can Read. He is feeding Jericho's ass here on Monday Night Iraq. When Henry is beating you off, you know he's having a good time." Jericho is fucking the back of Mark Henry. Jericho is working on the ankle of March In. He mocks him by showing the World's Strongest Tan. Mark Henry grabs the legs of his mistress Jericho in order to take the power out of Florida, who are hungry. Mark Henry swings with Mistress Jericho. There is a funny bulldog. Jericho tries to get the Walls on Gary. Jericho is taking Mark Henry. Outside, Michael Cole is flat out his back with Chris Jericho. This match has been ended by the reverand. Jericho used a nasal chair to get disqualified. The lyrics to Henry's theme are, "Beat him off, break his sack." The World's Strongest Map hit the World's Largest LAN. Jericho talks like a dog.

Santino asks Greasy Bod how to condition men. Chavo Guerrero comes in and complains about Monday Night Raw's bananas. He will be competing in a shark infested manhole later tonight. Everybody's crazy about an undressed man.

In a replay from last week, we wonder why is Chavo doing it with the turnbuckle. Ass Gorilla unloads and Swoggle swallows.

Lillian says, "The following is a sharp dressed hat match, where the winner will get me." The winner of the match is the widow who rips off the tuxedo first. Somebody killed the legs of Guerrero's tuxedo pants. Hornswoggle was able to get Victoria. Do you know how much Seth Green had? Hornswoggle likes big men. Chavo looks like Charlie's chapstick trying to get up the steps. They're jacking off, but you have to take the tuxedo off to win. Look at this, tye dye. Michael Cole says, "Hornswoggle wants my shirt off." He's gotten to his feet, he's got to jack it. Cole says, "Hornswoggle's got my pants." He rapes Chavo over the top rope. What is that Geddie's wearing? You can tell he wasn't planning on losing to ants. Cole points out, "He's just showing his bush."

Backstage, John Cena tells Triple H, "Just making sure you're shirtless." Triple H responds, "Meat eater."

Jack Korpela has apparently assumed the alter ego of "Jack-A-Rella" for his WWE Canada Update.

Off The Top is backstage with Santino. Santino mentions the match with My Pal H and John Cena. The muses should start planning. Creamy Top says, "He's naked, we're out of here." Santino's beautiful Lex is mentioned. Santino got laid, but why did he have to use them?

There are nine champions this Sunday. CM Duck will defend against Jen Hardy. Edge sun burnt a jury, but he is allowed to select the partner of Legacy.

Tonight, John Cena and Triple H are partners against Legs At Sea. The Game John Cena will win the Triple Threat match. Michael Cole wonders how Coffee King could win the WWE Championship.

Legacy approaches Jericho backstage. They could hump Chris Jericho right now, but why do that when they want to see tits? They call Jericho a self-righteous, condescending boozer. Jericho responds, "Yes, I am sexy and I am right wing, but I'm not a juicer, I'm one half of the United States Tag Team Champions. You never know, Randy Orton is my life partner."

This is huge. Next week, we will shag for meals with a 15 time rock star that is in charge of Raw.

The following is a ZZ Topless match. Introducing first, Gay Jim and Kevin Kelly! Lawler demands more eggs. Cole says to Lawler, "I know you are going to unload during this tag match." Kevin Kelly will start things off against Rosey. Their new producer is a huge WWE fan. Man, they are really using Lex. Lawler says, "I didn't see tits, I was blinded by passion for a second." We saw Mark Henry go down on Chris Jericho earlier. The King was acting like B. Brian Kendrick. Look at the Cajun, she's losing her legs. We are reminded of the Divas title match taking place at Bundy's. Lawler says to Cole, "I like your dress tonight." Cole responds, "I used Tide." There's the tag, and here comes Kevin Kelly, who takes it off quickly. Kelly lands a blow right across the breast. Lawler asks for four paris eggs. With a double dropkick, Rosey is taken by Gay Jim.

Before commercials, Lawler begs the question - "Do John Cena and Triple H exist?"

During a commercial for Night of Champions, Triple H says, "I don't care who I have to squirt on to get what I want."

All superstars in WWE history will wait for John Sina.

Billy Gives It to Dusty Hill enter the arena. John ZZ Top has done here tonight for the special guest host of Money Night Raw. Their new live album, Double Up Your Gowns, arrives on October 23rd, featuring songs such as "Undressed Raping Boys While Driving Blind".

The words "I drink soy milk with my dad" indicate the entrance of Randy Orton and Legacy. Orton came out earlier tonight with her cousins. Coated Roads and Jossie are pigs in a battle for the undisputed tag titles against Jericho and a partner of his choosing. From Green Lick Conneticut, Triple Anus! He is looking for his 40th title win. He's electrified everyone in the arena's toes. Words cannot describe the way the gay Triple H feels about Randy Orton. He was on the cover of this month's Muscles For Christmas. The cry of "I love Elmo" indicates the entrance of John Cena, who wanks to 24. You can imagine these men being hard tonight. This Monday Night Raw is electric here at the Hardy Center. This match was the brainchild of Randy Fortune. The second generation superstar was planted by John Sea Man, who tags to maiden Triple H. The word is Vaughn. We see a tremendous vertical cineplex applied by the Samuel Jackson. After a commercial break, we are back live on Monday Night Raw for a deceptively unseen handicap match as Lacy are taking on Rib Cage and John Sina. Triple H is unloading in Cody Roads. Orton tries to take advantage of every situation as they take it off legally. This does not look good as Triple strains. This Sunday, it'll be Randy Orton versus Triple H versus John Cena's head. We are live at North Carolina Stained University. Triple barely gets out. Shaquille O'Neal kicks out feebly. Legacy has a skiing plan to get at the gods, who are overwhelming Triple H's face. A "Nipple H" chant starts. He's got a lovely scene next week at Nyquil Champions. He is inches away from his partner's outstretched member. He has a couple of fingers in Wayne, can he get there? Orton shakes his head like Ru Paul. This could be a matter of time now, as Orton finishes off The Game's insides. The Game's wife, John Cena, runs around like a naked animal. The WWE Nerds will bitch. John Cena can't wait to get into Randy Orton. John Cena is on fire, exploding in Cody Roads. He hits him with the Five Knuckle Shove In. He goes for the Attic Adjuster, before applying the WTF to Cody. He has the PDF locked in. Ted the Hossie breaks it up. Orton taps the wet part, but John Sina pains Orton with a roll-in. The lyrics to Cena's theme apparently say, "Rocking with my shell out". Randy Orton wants some beef. Randy Orton is teething on Triple H. This herb is responsible for it all. Orton was going for Cena's butt, but he missed. He wanted to blow for 10 pounds. John pins the WWE Champion on Sunday. It will be every man against himself, and WWE's three thickest stars at Nyquil Champions.

The broadcaster on The Score's post-Raw Sports Update made a quick comment about Raw, and I quote: "Orton always has the same spill on his face at the end of every round of what is perhaps boxing's biggest fight in years."

I'll see you all again on Friday night for another round of WWE closed captions. Enjoy!

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).