WHITE VANS AND CANDY PRESENTS:
JAMES' DRUNKEN STATE OF WRESTLING ADDRESS!
Hey there, fuckdicks. I know, I know, it’s been a long time since you heard from me. What can I say? The feds finally caught up to me, and I was all like "Oh shit", and they were all like "Bonus, here I come!" You win some, you lose some. And I lost some – 5-10 years without parole, to be exact. Sigh.
SO. One thing you should know: I am GOD DAMN drunk. Seriously. The only thing sadder than writing for a wrestling satire website is writing for a wrestling satire website while HAMMERED… and alone. Sigh. It’s okay, my shipment of GHB is due in soon, so I’ll get back to the rapin’. Yaaaay, vagina!
Now… I’m sure you’re all wonderin’… what the hell is James gonna talk about? Well, instead of a cute little intro where I reference Mantaur or some shit like that, I figured I’d go the lazy (See: fuckin’ drunk) route and give my thoughts on the current state of wrestling. (SPOILER: IT SUCKS.)
First, we have Jawwwwwwwwwwwwwn Cena’s injury! Holy shit, the only thing that can separate this man from his title is his shoulder from his body. As much as Cena has grown on the IWC in the last year, you can’t deny that his unfortunate situation resulted in some interesting TV.. or can you? WHY YES YOU CAN. Jesus fuck, the WWE had a prime opportunity to make things interesting by having, oh I don’t know, anyone but Orton win the title. But what do they do? THEY GIVE HUNTER AND ORTON THE TITLE. ON THE VERY GOD DAMN MOTHER FUCKING BRICK SHITTING DOUCHE FAGGING NIGHT. Gah, says I. I mean, we all know Jericho’s return is as imminent as my girlfriend’s period (seriously. I’m getting nervous here, when the fuck are you going to bleed, you cock mongrel), so why not do something unprecedented (see: interesting) and give the SOB the title, just to make me want to tune in for something beyond a 2 minute headlock exchange? Hell if I know.
But from all this, you’d think I’m a WWE-a-phobe. But oh no! As much shit as I give the WWE, TNA is, far, far worse. K, so let me get this straight. Angle hates Sting because he’s not what he used to be, so Kurt decks Sting’s son, so Sting hates Angle. Fair enough. But then, Karen Angle is all like "oooh, I’ll fuck any one who’s giving you troubles", and Kurt is all like "*NO RESPONSE DUE TO WRITING NOT THINKING THAT FAR AHEAD*". Then Kevin Nash is all like "Hey now, I’m interjecting myself because I feel like powerbombing this company to the WWE’s development system", and BEHOLD: The program that shall last us until rating dip below a 1.0. When the hell will TNA realize that until they start booking for, you know, the future – because when Sting says "hey assholes, I’m out of here in a few months.", it means a little more then when Rikishi is all ike "MUST. FEED. ASS. – they’ll never actually attract NEW fans.? Hell if I know, but whatever, TNA gives me an excuse to bitch about non Vince, - which happens about as much as, say Stephanie McMahon good idea.
Enough of the rampaging negativity; let’s talk about what’s good!
1)MVP vs Hardy
Seriously, these four are the only reason why I even consider watching WWE TV nowadays. I’d love to say CM Punk, Shawn Michaels, Rey Mysterio, and al. were on this list, but for Christ sake, there’s only so many times I can stand Austin cock-teases before I just get fed up with the whole situation. What I wouldn’t do for Abe "Knuckleball" Shwartz to TV again, and manage.. umm… anyone… to single’s success. Anyone, at all, ever. That’d be swell, because by the time he returned to the states, his worth had quadrupled (that’s what you get, poor Michigan economy~!) in the negative direction, GOOD LUCK BUYING STOCKS, NOW, FUCKER. C’EST LA LIFE.
So where does this leave your friendly neighbourhood drunken columnist? Well, in a state of "I don’t give a fuck". And truth be told, it’s pretty accurate. Because, if it’s not clear by my raging inactivity for the last, umm, year, I honestly stopped giving a damn about what’s going on. Who the fuck gives a damn if Finlay is attacking Rey with a shileFUCKITSASTICK.? Gah, honestly. I’m begging for a match, a character, for someone to make me stand up and say "I want to bring interest to this city". But you guys are wrestling fans, to which it translates to "IM A LOSER". True story.
What was the point of this? Hell if I know. I just wanted to make fun of any cocksnack who thinks that HBK vs Orton is entertaining. PS, it ain’t. It wasn’t 3 years ago, it isn’t now, and it won’t be when Michaels’ hairline is on the small of his back. Just sayin’.
That’s all I got for you cum-dumpsters today. Check me out in, um, whenever I feel like it, when I’ll further downgrade and sense of self-esteem to "I’m a loser". God, I can’t wait.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).