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James Walker
James Walker

January 11, 2006
January 16, 2006
January 23, 2006

White Vans And Candy: (01/23/06) by James Walker

Wrestlers come and go. They’re on our TV for a few years, then they drug themselves up/murder their girlfriends/disrespect the entire business, and they’re gone. Gone from the TV, but not our hearts. What happens to our favourite useless jobber after he’s fired? Did The Berzerker go back to raping and pillaging villages in the Arctic Circle? Did Rico go back to being the cop in the village people? No one will ever know… but, I can hypothesize! And bullshit!
This week,
A prime example of ‘ahead of his time’, Hakushi came to the WWF from Japan, where you may know him as Jinsei Shinzaki. The guy put on some absolute clinics with Bret Hart, but a face turn gone sour (Honestly, when you get teamed with Barry Horowitz, you’ve got problems) ultimately led to him leaving the WWF. He eventually headed back to Japan after a brief stint in ECW, where he still wrestles to this day, dishing out the same old goods… but is that all?
Heavens no! Hakushi is a man of many talents! He’s been known to dabble into music, painting, but most notably, he’s also a WORLD CHAMPION HOT DOG EATER! As we all know, the tiny Japanaese men ALWAYS make the best hot dog eaters, and Hakushi has decided being a god of one sport isn’t enough for him. This would also explain the “praying” moonsault… he wasn’t praying, but just training! If you think about it, the two sports really aren’t that different.. More often than not, you’re jamming meat down your throat to get ahead.
Harvey Wippleman
Adam Bomb. Big Bully Busick. Bertha Faye. Giant Gonzales. Screw Bill Alfonso, HARVEY WIPPLEMAN is the manager of champions! Let’s face it here guys… when you think of success, you think of the H-DAWG. Not only did he manage to guide all those legends to historic careers, but he even managed to pick up the highly respected Women’s championship! After all those highs, what else has Harvey Wippleman accomplished?!
Believe it or not, Harvey Wippleman is now continuing his excellent managerial skills; this time, as the manager for HARVEY’S! Yes, after all these years, people never clued in that such a brilliant hamburger restaurant totally got to be that way because of one little wrestling GOD. In fact, he’s such a good manager, that all his former wrestling clients now work for him, even the late Bertha Faye! Oh, just don’t trust those veggie burgers; I hear they taste like pantyhose.
Probably the funniest character of all time, Roadkill personifies “Hey, wrestling is fucking ridiculous”. Achieving success in the tag team ranks with Danny Doring (as Chicken Piss) in ECW. They seemed to be getting a shot at the WWE after ONS, where they had a few matches on Velocity, and actually got entrances, and got signed to an OVW contract. Never the less, his Amish shtick was the type of shit that Al Wilson, Katie Vick, and Oklahoma failed to be. With that said, what has The Angry Amish Warrior been up to?
Truth be told, the reason why he’s in OVW now is because he got kicked out of school. It seems Roadkill was vying to become a veterinarian, but the faculty felt as if his affection for “CHICKENNNNZZZZZZ” was a little too much. However, that hasn’t stopped his love for the fine feathered beasts, for he’s also become the spokesman for Shake and Bake! There wasn’t much competition for the spot – the only other person who showed up for the audition was RVD, who though it was some form of a wicked-cool milkshake chain. Never the less, the slogan “I feel like chicken tonight” has a whole new meaning now.
He’s been a generic tall guy, a ninja, and a mummy that was named ‘The Yeti’, all with about as much skill as Ray Charles in an archery competition. However, as I was doing research on this guy, I discovered that he hails from CUMMING, GEORGIA.
Honestly, I could never write something funnier than that.
Bam Bam Bigelow
Make no mistake about it, Bam Bam Bigelow is one of the most underrated big men of all time. However, the problem with being underrated is you never really go anywhere. See, Bam Bam’s highlights in the WWF include a Wrestlemania victory over Doink the Clown, and, uhh, being in a video game. He truly made his mark in ECW, putting on some great matches with the triple Threat & Taz, but money soon came calling and he headed off to WCW, where he was placed into a feud with Goldberg, only to be destroyed. Eventually befriending Kanyon and DDP, the Triad would have had some promise, except, it was late WCW – nothing there had promise. Anyways, wrestling aside, he’s heroically been the hero at a fire scene, where ran into the building to save human lives. Then follow that up with a motorcycle accident, and running out of money, and it’s safe to say that Bam Bam’s luck never arrived.
However, those days are gone! Bam Bam’s fortunes are about to be reversed, and it’s all due to this brilliant new fad: PANHANDLING! Apparently, all you do is sit down on a busy sidewalk, and ask people for money – and they actually GIVE IT TO YOU! Bam Bam has proven to be very good at this… while most people are able to say no and walk away, once he tells his story about a 350 pound badass can losing to a football player in the main event of the biggest wrestling event of the year, the wallets empty. That Vince McMahon – he really knew what he was doing!
Brought in as obsessed Sable fan, Tori had promise. She was young, somewhat attractive, but unlike many women in the WWF at the time, she could wrestle. She seemed to be destined for big things as she eventually got paired up with Kane, one of the hottest acts at the time. However, it all would come tumbling down.. and she got paired with X-PAC. As Justin Credible, Albert, and Bob Holly will tlel you, being teamed up with Sean Waltman is a near-death sentence for your career, unless your last name is Jacobs. It followed that Tori really didn’t do anything of importance, aside from being Raven’s ‘female ninja friend’, where in she helped him win hardcore matches. However, after being de-masked on Heat, we never saw of her again, aside from on Tough Enough, where she was fired after the season finished.
Now we’ve remembered what the hell she did, what has Tori been up to? Surprisingly, she’s gone back to school, and completed a degree bio-pharmacy. She now is gainfully employed in her field, and seems to be enjoying life.
What? They’re not all going to be funny.
Rick Steiner
During the early 90’s, the Steiners may have been the best tag team on the planet. A unique, high impact arsenal made these guys loved all over the place, whether it be WCW, the WWF, or Japan. However, it became apparent that Rick had little left to offer the wrestling world, as his brother Scott got pushed ahead. Attempts were made to get “The Dog-Faced Gremlin” over, but breaking Buff Bagwell’s neck, barking, and feuding with an animatronic doll really didn’t put him on the map as ‘TALENT!’. So what has our second favorite Steiner been up to?
Well, it seems as if he’s abandoned not only the wrestling world, but the world of land – and become a PIRATE! Yes, Rick SteinARRRRRR now cruises the seven seas, with Jean Pierre Lafitte, with an elusive treasure map that leads to a steady job, where their skills are respected and world renowned. Too bad no one ever told that that the island of ‘PWNEDacopia’ doesn’t really exist.
Stevie Ray
From one unlucky brother, to another one who also happens to be a BRUTHA, Stevie Ray really never had a hope. I mean, yes, Harlem (buckw)Heat was perhaps the most successful tag team in WCW, but the minute they disbanded, we all knew Booker T was the one with a  future. Stevie tried his hands in singles wrestling, and that didn’t develop, so he did what every former star does – he turned to announcing! If you’ve ever heard Stevie Ray call a match, you know that the night wasn’t complete until you heard him utter the famous line of “Fruit Booties”.
So what has Stevie Ray been doing recently? It seems the announcing gig got him thinking, and he’s become a news anchor in Texas! It’s on local UPN affiliate WKGB-7, where he does the news every night, with a fine cast of all-black reporters. The first ever ‘News for NI..ght time’ has won many awards for it’s unique orientation devoted completely to fried chicken, watermelon, R&B, and basketball. When asked about why he got into the news business, Stevie Ray said that “Suckaz gots to know”.
Crash Holly
Something makes me think he’s no longer a “Super-heavyweight”.
That’s it for me this week, kids. Before I go, I want to let you guys know something… writing the conclusion to these columns is really fucking hard.

White Vans And Candy: (01/16/06) by James Walker
It’s strange times to be a wrestling fan today. We’ve gone from complete predictability to … uhh.. incomplete.. un.. predictability in the matter of a single week. Now, this got the ol’ noodle working. What else does the WWE have in store for us? The improbability drive is running on all elephants, and there’s nothing we can do to stop it. So instead of trying to stop this newfound beast, I’m going to embrace it, make love to it, and maybe make it an omelet in the morning.

This week,


Tribute to the Troops shows will now officially not suck

Ever since the WWE started running shows in the Middle East during the holidays, there has been one undeniable fact: The troops get gypped. It’s on these shows they’ve been subjected to Heidenreich VS Undertaker, Snitsky going over Benjamin, and the imminent danger and unbearable heat VS their boredom. The result is a simply god-awful program that not only forgets about all current storylines and alignments, but also about the fact that they’re there to entertain. However, all that is about to change with riveting action, great performances, intriguing storylines, and one ring to rule them all. In the words of the Undertaker, “YOU SHALL NOT PASS!!!... me.”

Big Show weighs in at 235 pounds

Shockingly, Big Show went to a doctor’s office this weekend, and tipped the scales at less than half his normal weight. While some are crediting this fact to his new low-card diet and improved work-out regime, most people chalk it up to the fact that he has lost both his arms and legs in a horrific parasailing accident.

Vince McMahon to apologize to Bret, and never speak of it again

Seeing the sales for the Bret Hart DVD, the fact that it’s all Bret wants before they can negotiate a return in some capacity, and the fact that he’s a giant douche, Vince McMahon is set to apologize for the Montreal incident. After over 8 years, Vince finally feels as if he’s comfortable in accepting the truth. However, my sources tell me that Vince will soon regret this decision of showing actual integrity, and will come out in the following month, professing that he had amnesia, and that ‘Bret still screwed Bret’. He’ll then shit on a WCW t-shirt, show Warrior’s UConn speech, pour JR’s barbeque sauce down his pants, then call out Paul Heyman only to slap him for 2 hours. Afterwards, he’ll claim he ‘didn’t want to ruin his reputation.’

Droz regains control of his legs, set to make a WWE return

The man who couldn’t control his lower body but could control his regurgitation system has been saved! After being healed by the divine powers of Ted DiBiase, Shawn Michaels (Sex, Drugs and Jesus), and a little run in by Dr. Jim Andrews, Darren Drozdov can now walk under his own power. If you thought Bob Holly VS Brock Lesnar was a hot feud, wait until you see D’Lo VS Droz: II!

Fit Finlay to make a return

I could have sworn I was going to be the first to report this...

Viscera VS Trevor Murdoch on Heat called ‘Match of the Decade’

In a completely unprecedented situation, a 52 minutes classic between Viscera and Trevor Murdoch had the crowds on their feet last weekend. In what some have called the most brilliant display of psychology since Freud, these two had an encounter that makes Bret Hart VS Steve Austin at Wrestlemania 13 look like two midgets in pudding. There was incredible selling of Viscera’s Nagatalock II, breathtaking nearfalls such as Murdoch’s incredible counter of a top tope pumphandle piledriver into a double flip hurricarana, a devastating 630 Splash by Viscera, and a brilliant finish that had the writer of Fight Club saying ‘Damn.’. Expect these two to main event for the next seven years.

Mark Henry enters Cruiserweight Division

He’s slow, plodding, not over, never improving, a waste of my time, money, oxygen (and probably my chicken, if, you know, he ever had my chicken- which is delicious) but that’s not going to stop him from ruining solely a heavyweight title! No, this man is now vowing for the cruiserweight title, not to mention the title of the walking contraction. You see, management feels that there isn’t enough diversity in high flying matches, and the best way to solve this is for a 400 pound weightlifter to toss some rag-dolls around. Oddly enough, this is a second hand idea of Dusty Rhodes, who’d suggested he’d enter the X-Division during his stay with TNA.

WWE introduces a third brand

Boldly, the WWE has announced that despite ailing interest in the brand extension and a common belief that it is due to end after Wrestlemania, there will be a third brand introduced to the WWE realm as of February. This brand will mainly encompass Velocity workers, and will be renamed ‘The Green Party’. This new group will continue to have fledging support and will barely be even mentioned by the conservative Raw brand, vowing to reduce ‘ring fees’, despite not caring much for a medical plan, or the liberal Smackdown brand whom is too busy failing to draw the interest of the general public to notice such an pitiful uprising. General Manager Ralph Nader recently stated that he truly believes he will not diminish Smackdown’s chance to be the number one show simply by being on at the same time.

Continuity to be re-introduced to storylines

In a shocking move, the WWE will now carry the effects and ramifications of one storyline onto another, never forgetting their character developments. This means that Lita and Edge will break up for him spearing her at Wrestlemania 17 during his search for his attacker at No Way Out 2003, Kane will turn on Big Show for chokeslamming him through the stage on an early episode of Smackdown, Randy Orton will have Undertaker arrested for suffocating Paul Bearer with concrete, JBL will get reamed out for having the dumbest looking hardcore title of all time, Triple H will have a rematch at Wrestlemania with the Godwinns, MNM will question Melina as to why Jillian Hall was removed from her position within the group, Jerry Lawler will bring up the fact that JR was wrongfully dismissed, Stephanine McMahon will file a lawsuit against Vince McMahon for pimping her out in her early years, immigration services will pose an inquiry into the real homes of Sylvain Grenier and Rene Dupree, Joey Styles will ask Coach if he still has sex with cows, Booker T will perform black magic to reveal who wrote that mysterious note to him, Mark Henry will be forced to actually earn a World title shot because he’s lost to the Headbangers, Tazz will rip on Kurt Angle on commentary saying he made his ass tap out, and Shawn Michaels instantly become the company’s biggest heel.

Alright kids, that does it for me this week. If there’s one thing that’s sure in this world, it’s that if something happens in the WWE that interests me in the slightest, I’m probably going to find some way to make fun of it. (As you can all obviously tell, I’ve set my standards VERY high for this world) So remember folks, when the rain doesn’t stop, when the world is a chore, come to TWF, I’ll be your whore.

White Vans And Candy: (01/11/06) by James Walker 


Hey kids! It’s been a while since I’ve done a ‘regular’ edition of this column, so I figured I’d step back into my charming old self, and dish out some regular slop, as opposed to seasonal slop. First off, I’d like to thank you all for voting for me for writer of the year, but I can’t, because you dicks voted for Sean. Alas, 5 staff members voted for me, putting me somehow on par with the 3865 people that voted for Carless. YES, ELECTORAL COLLEGE RULES.

So, what do I have in store for you folks today? You’re in luck, because I’ve got something so mind blowing, so original, and so NEVER BEEN DONE BEFORE, that you can’t read it. Seriously, there’s laws passed against it. By me. Because I have that sort of power.

That’s why, this week,

Rougeaus: All we like to listen to is Barry Manilow

What are you, FAGS?!?

Oddities: I do back flips out front of Mack trucks

That’s a hell of a lot more entertaining than any of your matches were!!!

Nation of Domination: But don't dis the man or we'll bum rush your mother

She’d probably enjoy it!!!

Michael Cole: This time I'm 'a let it all come out


Lita: You step up, you'll go down fast.

But it burns!!!

Kane: Give me the drug you know I'm after.

I couldn’t POSSIBLY know what drug you’re after!!!

Your shit's like chocolate cake
and your ass smells like a rose

Why thank you!!!

Kronik: Now my bowels ache


Justice Pain: I don't know who I am

Neither do I!!!

Triple H: Not tryin' to be like anybody

Only 7 more times!!!

Benoit: There's no holding me back


Zach Gowen: Would you like to be the one who sees me fall

Well, it wouldn’t be that difficult!!!

Zach Gowen: Nobody's gonna stand in my way

No, because you get the handicapped parking spaces, you jerk!!!

Chyna: Don't treat me like a woman

No problem!!!

Chyna: Don't treat me like a man

Sure thing!!!

Chyna: Treat me for just who and what I am


Sting: He does this, he does that

Such poetry!!!

To the Man called Sting
The Man Called Sting
He's a Man Called Sting
Man Called Sting

I didn’t quite get your name!!!

And all the kids, they go wild
And all the old people start to act like a child


He loves his honey, the loves the Rock
But no one important loves the Scorpion Death Lock

Either he was ahead of his time, or we finally found out where he got his energy from!!!

K-Kwik: We gettin' rowdy! (Gettin' rowdy on your ass)


K-Kwik: 'Bout to move some things!


Get down like so easy, I get greasy,
low down dirty and sleazy.
Tease me, I be the rash,
On your ass,
Hollering sufferin succotash.

Great, now I have mental images of Sylvester eating out Chyna!!!

K-Kwik: I'm the hottest thing since a bowl of grits,


K-Kwik: Don't get stuck, shaked and tossed like a salad,

He ain’t talkin’ bout no Caesar here, folks!!!

Time to bust, kicking dust, Applejacks, better hush,
Been lady, dog daddy, bringin' drama, bout to bust,
Pump your fist and get rowdy like that,
Pump your fist and get you hat-rack cracked

Nothing like ejaculating on breakfast cereal to wake you up in the morning!!!

You're gonna pay, You're gonna pay
I'm burning these ones to the ground
You're gonna pay, You're gonna pay
I'm gonna bring you down

Ever wonder if wrestling themes are just a little too honest?!?

Stephanie McMahon:
A true star and I’m finally getting my turn.
Took my hell, earned my spot.

The ironing is delicious!!!

Stephanie McMahon: When I spit consider the mess.

I knew she wouldn’t swallow!!!

Stephanie McMahon: I'm a show you how to floss in the box, boys.

Alrighty then!!!

Stephanie McMahon: For years I’ve been hated on, spit on, and kicked on.

Yeah, I’m sure business school was BRUTAL!!!

Stephanie McMahon: Aint nobody stopping my flow

Not even Maxi Pads?!?

Billy Gunn:
I love to love 'em, I love to kick 'em
I love to shove 'em, I love to stick 'em
Love to flaunt 'em, I love to watch 'em
I love to pick 'em, And I'm gonna kick 'em
So many asses, So little time
A little tight one, Can stop me on the dime
I'm a lover, Of every kind
The best surprises always sneak up from behind

*slaps knee*

I got everything I ever wanted,
And I'll never give that back.


X-Pac: I'm appalled by the things you done


American Males:
If they want to talk to you, you better not listen
You might wind up in critical condition haha American Males

They even laugh at their own (non-sensical) jokes. HAHA!!!

Alright. Folks, I’m sorry that you’ve just witnessed me being a retard on purpose. Uhh, it was probably the worst thing I’ve ever written. I… just thought it might be funny… if… I showed you these. However, the result was really fucking bad. Pity, it had so much promise, eh? Sigh, oh well… now that I’ve landed a golden Tenay, I can do whatever I damn well please!

… please don’t fire me.

December 05, 2005
December 12, 2005
December 19, 2005

White Vans And Candy: (12/19/05) by James Walker 


You wouldn’t believe it. Frankly, sometimes I shock myself with my resources. It seems the WWE decided their original classics disc wasn’t enough, and they’re releasing ANOTHER one! And, as your loyal servant, I’ve found the lyrical transcription of the entire load! Folks… this week,


Enter Stinger – Steve Borden

Say your prayers, little one
Don’t forget, you’re done
Was the spotlight fun?

Bring you in, Push begins
And you’ll get your pins
Till the Stinger he comes

Thought you were chosen
Gripping your spot so tight

Exit Vince
Enter Scott
Take my fans
I never even had a chance

Jeff retains, shut the light
The symbol is quite a sight
Raven’s high as a kite

Dreams of Joe, dreams of Jay
Dreams of Daniels’ fights
Not of things that will bite

Thought you were chosen
Gripping your spot so tight

Exit Vince
Enter Scott
No set plans
Orlando fans be damned

Now I lay you down to tap
Pray you don’t job to Irish Pat
If I walk and you’re still on fire
I guess I’ll have to be rehired

Hush little Christian, don’t say a word
Why not form a tag team, it’s not absurd
Why not the man-beast, he’s your friend
He has met the very same end

Exit Vince
Enter Scott
Siaki gets canned
Exit Vince
Enter Scott
Take my fans
I never even have a chance

Closer – Pat Patterson

You let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you

Help you? If I pushed you, I’d go to hell
Help you? the only way you draw some heat
Is when you’re from land of people who smell

I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
Your whole persona is flawed
But, you get me closer to god

You can see my perspiration,
You can see how I worked on your thing
Can’t you give me a title,
And see the success that it’ll bring?
Whether I’m an French blowhard,
Or a fashion guru right out of Milan
Help me become a star,
Why don’t you love me, it’s me, Sylvan!

I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want to fuck you like an animal
Your whole career is flawed
But, you get me closer to god

Through every failed mid card push
I end up right back here on your tush
But don’t worry, you’ll get a push to the moon
Cause I hear Benoit is leaving soon.

I wanna Be Sedated – Eugene Ramone

Twenty-twenty-twenty four pills to go
I wanna be sedated
Nothing to do no job to do
I wanna be sedated

Just get me to the hotel and put me in my room
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can’t control twitches
And I’m not supposed to have a brain
oh no oh ho

Just put me in rehab and get me off these somas
Hurry hurry hurry before I get demoted
And sent to Sunday heat
I can’t feel my toes
oh no oh ho

The Camel Clutch – Khorsrow Daivari

Bet, baby, bet, baby Lex is in debt but me
and you do the kind of stuff that only Osama would preach about
So put your hands around my neck and lock in the Camel Clutch
Yes, I'm Khorsrow, yes you’re Muhammad and we’re getting a little fucked
They had enough of you and us, they want it ‘versial, but not too much
They want to us smothered, want you covered, was the G.A.B. enough?
Fired quicker like a bum on liquor, kick us to the curb why now don’tcha?

(lock it in now)
You and me baby ain't nothin' but camels
So let's get treated like they do on Military Command Channels
(off to California)
You and me baby ain't nothin' but camels
So let's get treated like they do on Military Command Channels
(gettin' traded now)

Rub, it’s the type of thing Taker would never give up
Like One Night in Chyna, only god knows why he loved it
Grade-A Promos? We ain’t homos, but I wish you were back with me
But you think acting, not wrestling, will get you bling-bling, do you Mark Copani?
So without trial, sent to Ohio, back with a new man but doin’ the same old shtick
But at least I’m not paired with Murdoch and told to be a hick
I’m not kidding, a reunion would be fitting, cause we match up in styles
But in the land of Flair flops, not ROHbots, cause they’re run by pedophiles

Sunday, Fucking Sunday – U(bought it)2?

I can’t believe the news today
Oh, I could close my credit card and make it go away
How long...
How long can this sham go on?
How long? how long...

’cause tonight...we order another one

Winning at Backlash won’t get you heat
A victory at No Mercy won’t make you elite
I ask, can you trim from fourteen a year?
It’d put my check book
Put my check book in the clear

Sunday, fucking sunday
Sunday, fucking sunday
Sunday, fucking sunday
(allright order it!)

And the evening’s just begun
I’m already bored, do you want some rum?
Buyrates were once off the charts
Instead of Taboo Tuesday, I’d rather play darts

Sunday, fucking sunday
Sunday, fucking sunday

How long...
How long will they insist a 0.50 is strong?
How long? how long...

’cause tonight...we ordered another one

Swipe the cash from your bank
Swipe your rent away
Swipe your bills away
I swipe Christmas away
(sunday, fucking sunday)
I swipe your student loan away
(sunday, fucking sunday)

And it’s true we are upset
When main event blow-offs are on free TV
And today the millions cry
Cena retains once again, this push just won’t die

The real battle yet begun (sunday, fucking sunday)
Next year, sixteen sundays of fun (sunday, fucking sunday)

Sunday fucking sunday
Sunday fucking sunday...

‘Mmm mmm mmm mmm’ – Crash, Test, and the Bushwhackers

Once there was this kid who
Got a torn quad and couldn’t wrestle quite the same
But when he finally came back
He buried everyone with an inkling of talent
He said that it was because
They could never draw crowds

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

Once there was this girl who
Wouldn't go on TV just because her dad was
But when they finally made her
She got implants into here body
She couldn't quite explain it
They'd never just been there

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

But both girl and boy were glad
'Cause one kid had it worse than that

'Cause then there was this boy whose
Girlfriend cheated on him while he was injured
And when he finally came back
Fans stopped caring about his matched
He couldn't quite explain it
They’d always just cheered him

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

WOW! I remember the days when the only wrestling CDs you could buy were Koko B.Ware preachin’ the truth about the biz. Well, I only got one question for that guy… What do you think of THIS wrestling album, Leeman?!

 White Vans And Candy: (12/12/05) by James Walker
Well isn’t this a shocker! In the war of The Internet VS Wrestling, this seems like a remarkable coo for you dirtsheet hound-dogs. But let me explain something to you turd-knockers; I’m taking this by storm! That’s right, I, VINCENT KENNEDY MCMAHON am walking into the enemy’s territory, guns blazing, bombs blowing, and ass kicking! You see, all you little kids walk around spouting off rumors and predicting the future, but by gawd, you don’t know the REAL story. I’m here to finally put a rest to that, and I’ll be giving you the STRAIGHT goods from the source, in hope to shut you all up for good. Since I’m getting bored, this is the first issue of:

Rumor #1: “Vince is a douche.”

I’m a douche? What have I ever done that’s douche-worthy? I’ve never been mayor of Doucheville, I’ve never captained the S.S.Douchey, and I’ve never produced a dirty movie entitled ‘Debbie does Doucher’, so this rumor an go drown it’s self in a tub of douche water, for all I douching well care.

Rumor #2: “Chris Benoit isn’t getting his due.”

Oh, this goody. Let’s hammer down a check list, shall we? Canadian? Check. Skilled ring technician? Check. Uncharismatic promos? Check. Murders babies? Probably.

Don’t you all see this is how I treat EVERYONE IN THE CATEGORY? Call me a racist, but as soon I hear these little guys say “That’s aboot when I bridged into a tiger suplex, but the crowd was too busy making Boogeyman signs, eh?” I just get shivers down my spine that BEG for me to make them job to Booker T. You just don’t understand how annoying those little creatures are! Constantly complaining about going on overseas tours to support the troops…WE’RE SAVING YOUR LIVES TOO, YOU UNGRATEFUL LITTLE DICKS. DON’T YOU GOD DAMN WELL GET IT?

Err… he also got a World title run. Don’t forget that.

Rumor #3: “TNA is competition.”

I can’t believe you dorks actually believe this one. I mean, what I hear from you kids is mainly that these guys are putting on awesome matches, great promos, and if it wasn’t for the main event scene being so muddled with politics, it would be an IWC instant orgasm. Let’s dispel some of those rumors right now.

First of all, TNA’s matches SUCK. No one wants to see those god damned flippy twisty moves! Who the hell cares how many times you springboarded? Listen, I’ve seen it… the slower the match is, the more people get into it. Watch matches from the 70’s, and tell me that the crowd isn’t red hot for god damned clotheslines! My god, it was beautiful.. you’d barely have to break a sweat, and the next thing you know you’re considered the greatest of all time, WOO! What I’m trying to do with my matches is bring back that golden age, when easily defendable and weak finishers was over, feuds could have no build, guys could be pulling the same stunt for years & having the same god damned match, and business was huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuge!

Which brings me to the other issue about TNA – their main event scene. Now, I’m not too much of a man to admit when I’m being bested. But holy goodness, that young hoss Jeff Jarrett blows my mind. The ease at which he doesn’t change a damn thing about his promos, storylines, or matches makes me realize I missed the boat in not gobbling him up. Then again, he’s the only person who’s got the least bit of intelligence there, so I’m not worried.

Rumor #4: “Pat Patterson is gay.”

Ha ha ha, is he ever!

Rumor #5: “Paul Heyman is a genius.”

Internet world, I want you to listen to me closely here. That’s right cuddle on up with your monitor that you love so dearly. Alright, little closer now. That’s good. Now a lot of people are saying Paul Heyman is a genius that I only have under contract as to cock-block him from TNA. To that, I say one thing.


Listen, Heyman can go to TNA all he wants! Holy crap, he’s the most over appreciated pubic barber alive! Ok, let’s go back to when ECW was runnin’ in full tilt. The guy couldn’t keep his talent – let alone pay them -, insulted his only potential TV network on the air, put over talent for other companies, and managed to sell out buildings – and still run up an 8 million dollar deficit!

Oh sure, I’ll hear the rebuttals, but the fact is that I TOTALLY PWN3D PAUL HEYMAN. If he decides not ot resign and trot on off to Orlando, that’s just fine with me – I’m sure he and Dixie Carter would get along great. After all, Heyman was well known for bleeding a stone dry, and Dixie is well known for bleeding a tampon liquid.

Rumor #6: “Vince is out of touch.”

Jesus Christ, you’re all dumb. I log on to the internet and I read what you kids are saying about me… “Vince is a dick, I hate him so much”, “I do not understand this man, he’s purposely hurting his company”, “GET YOUR FREE IPOD NOW”, and frankly, I’m shocked.

Don’t you get it? I’ve done everything a successful business can possibly do! I started from the ground up! I created new & original programming! I not only grew to be stronger than company with billion dollar backing, but I god damn well bought it! However… if there’s one thing I haven’t done is make a comeback.

You see, if there’s one thing that society likes more than winners, it’s losers who’ve become winners; just look at our president! Remember that promo Eddie Guerrero had shortly before winning the WWE Championship? Talking about how he’d be down, with no hope but he gutted and crawled his way back to the top, and how he needed to top prize to finally seal the deal? Well kids, I NEED THIS. I want people to recognize me as the bestest at everything ever, including coming back from a suicide mission!

So in the coming months, when you see Shelton Benjamin’s mama pinning Gregory Helms, remember: I KNOW WHAT I’M DOING.

Alright losers, I’ve had enough of this dung heap for one day. If you got any questions for me, shoot me an email , where I’ll EAT YOU ALIVE.


White Vans And Candy: (12/05/05) by James Walker 


The scene was a familiar one. A gloomy office, with rain splattering on the window like a blind photograph, light that can barely be defined as such, and a man in his chair. Hard at work, Detective Vince McMahon was immersed in paperwork. Despite his nearing 25 years of service to the department, they still wouldn’t give him a secretary that he desperately needed. Lately, the burden had been heavier than normal. With a slew of rapists, thieves, and con men on the loose, the case he was sweating over now stuck out somehow.


The body was of Rob Szatkowski, a 34 year old wrestler. While not overpoweringly popular, the murder of Rob Van Dam, as he was known, attracted media attention and the pressure was on from management to get this solved. McMahon had visited the crime scene earlier that day. Rob had been very popular with many, and many said he was on the cusp of being a major star in the business. It was a gruesome death as much as it was tragic – the murderer had tied Rob’s feet to a set of encyclopaedias, and drowned him in Battle Creek. Curiously, the roman numeral ‘I’ had been carved on his sternum, and the volumes ‘E’, ‘N’, ‘V’, and ‘Y’ had been individually protected from water – if only Vince could piece it together.


After two hours of overtime, Vince decided to call it a night and headed home. The drive seemed to breeze by; this was often the case when he had a case like this. Tired and beat down, Vince strolled into his lavish home and put his work to the side. His wife welcomed him upon arrival, and asked how his day went.


“Some sick bastard is on the loose again. We found a recent body in the river, and it’s pretty messed up.”


His wife, Linda, was his muse. He found it often helpful to talk about cases to her – while she never directly helped; her indirect psychological help was a necessity.


“Vince… why do you do this to yourself? We’re set for money, the kids are out of the house, and all this work is mentally & physically driving you into the ground.” Linda replied.


This was unexpected. Normally, Linda full supported his work, always there to listen. Vince smiled at her and said she was probably right, but all he needed now was rest. However, recently she had reason to worry. Vince was not only a detective – he had made some wise investments early in his career, and his family controlled many businesses. He left their children, Shane and Stephanie, to handle these corporations. Shane preferred to stay out of the limelight, opting for board meetings and the sort. Vince admired this.


Stephanie, o the other hand, was a different case. Stephanie wanted to be famous, so she took control of Vince’s share in a wrestling company. What began as a minority partnership, Stephanie had invested all her savings into the company as well – and was now the majority owner. She began to put herself on TV, making herself a star. While Vince knew little about wrestling, he knew a lot about Stephanie. He knew Stephanie didn’t really care much for the business or her employees, but he still decided to give her a call about the murder of Rob Van Dam.


“Daddy! I’m so glad to hear from you!”

“Hi honey. How are things?”

“I’ve been really sick... waking up in the morning, I can’t seem to hold down anything.”


Hunter was Stephanie’s husband. He was a very popular wrestler, but Vince suspected he had ulterior motives for marrying her. However, over time, he’d given Vince no reason to think any different, so Vince chalked it up to suspicion.


“I’m sorry to hear that, honey. Listen, have you heard about the murder of Rob Van Dam?”

“Oh yes, that. I never knew the guy well, but a lot of the guys are upset about it.”

“It’s pretty horrific. I’ve been assigned the case.”



“Mmmph, fph!!!”



“Don’t move honey, I’m coming right over!”

“Mmm.. butter tart.”

“… ah. Anyways dear, I’m tired. Talk to you soon.”

“Bye dad.”


That night, Vince lay in bed, wide awake. Tossing and turning, he couldn’t sleep. When his pager went off, it was almost a blessing, his insomnia was justified. He called in the station, and Vince sank. Another wrestler, Adam Copeland, had been murdered in a similar manner.


The scene was a lavish hotel room. Adam, or ‘Edge’ as he was known, was spread eagled on the bed, face down, bound and gagged. His rear was home to severe trauma, where he had clearly been repeatedly bludgeoned, prodded, and dismantled with a large ancient spear. There was a severe contusion on his head, and near by say a dented briefcase. On his back, a large ‘II’ had been carved, and above the headboard, the word ‘Lust’ had been smeared in blood.


Vince now understood that these murders were far more in depth than he previously imagined. The Roman numerals were a clear sign of more to come, and with the symbolistic murders, combined with the words strewn about; it was obvious that these murders had some sort of meaning. Disturbingly, Vince felt as if there was more to this puzzle.


While he wasn’t in a good mood, the following morning Vince was definitely optimistic. It seems that Adam Copeland recently had a falling out with his former best friend, Matt Hardy, after Adam stole Matt’s long-time girlfriend. This situation gained much publicity in wrestling circles, and many threats were issued by Mr. Hardy. This seemed rather open and shut, though, no one could think of any motive he would have had for Rob Van Damn. Either way, Vince was getting suited up to leave for Mr. Hardy’s house so, where-in they’d bring him in for questioning.


With 3 other fellow officers, Vince arrived at Matt’s house. There was a car in the driveway, but there was no answer at the door. Vince knocked again, but nothing. Having enough of this situation, he ordered for the door to be broken down.  Vince and his men peered about the house, looking for Matt or any signs of escape… until he heard one of the newer men call from the basement.


“Boss, you better come and see this.” said Officer Traylor.


The scene was not what Vince had expected, and certainly not what he had hoped. Matt’s neck had been spun 180 degrees. He was sitting in an office chair, and his cold dead fingers lay on the key board… his left hand on the ‘W’, ‘R’, ‘A’, ‘T’, ‘H’ keys, and his right hand making a ‘V1’ sign. On the monitor, there lay an open Word document, where the words ‘Apparently, I WILL die.’ were typed, over and over.


Vince ordered the Officer Rougeau to get the coroner on the site, and Vince headed back to his office. So much for that suspect.


Sitting down at his desk, Vince struggled. Envy, Lust, Wrath. However… the latest murder didn’t have the tell-tale Roman numeral. An impostor perhaps, trying to pass of their work as someone else’s? Positioning his hand like Matt’s, it hit him – a double entendre. The V1 symbol had 3 fingers held up… III. Vince thought back to his church days, with Reverend D-von.


There are Seven Deadly Sins. Envy, Lust, Wrath, Sloth, Gluttony, Greed, and Pride.


The look that came over Vince was one of disgust. The shocking reality hit him – 3 wrestlers down, 4 to go.


That night, Vince sparred no time phoning his daughter. The target group was obvious, and he had to do all he could prevent any further altercations.


“Hey Steph.”

“Oh daddy, I’m so glad you’ve called. Things have turned really ugly around here.”

“I know honey. Listen, it’s imperative you keep all your men under heavy surveillance for the next while. I need you to step up the security.”

“Already done dad. …”

“What’s wrong honey?”

“I was wondering if you could… come to the arena this Sunday. It’s Wrestlemania, and I think not only all the guys, but I would benefit knowing that we have an officer on the case there with us.”

“I’ll do what I can, dear.”

“Thanks dad. … Hope to see you soon.”


Vince got his clearance, explaining to his superiors that if anyone is in jeopardy, its Steph’s men. Arriving at the arena, he looked high and low for his daughter, but she was nowhere to be found. While searching, he stumbled into Hunter.


“Oh, hi Hunter. Listen, have you seen Steph?”

“Oh, she got pretty sick last night, something about something she ate. She’s back at the hotel if you want to give her a call.”

“No, she’ll be ok.”

“What are you doing here anyways? I thought you were busy with the murders & all.”

“Yeah, Steph and I figure if anything is going to happen tonight, it’ll be here. Plus, with the increased security, one more couldn’t hurt.”

“Heh, good point. I’ve gotta go ready, but hey – after the night is done, we should go get Steph and have a bite to eat. Why don’t we meet up at the hotel after the show?”

“Sounds good Hunter. See you later.”


Hunter was wrestling in the main event that night, against a guy by the name of John Cena, for the Heavyweight Championship. Vince didn’t really appreciate the fact that Hunter abused his power to get to the top, but hey, he delivered relatively well so Vince never made a fuss. The evening was enjoyable, and despite her absence, Vince was proud of his daughter.


Vince sat back and watched the main event. The crowd seemed enjoyed by it, and for a brief moment in time, Vince wasn’t thinking about the case… but and he simply cracked a smile. This was a rare sight to behold.


The match was just about done. John Cena hit his signature move, but Hunter kicked out. John Cena looked confused, and Hunter immediately recovered... and landed a stiff looking punch. Hunter went under the ring, and obtained a sledgehammer – a common tool of his. From there, the referee got in an argument with him – and Hunter blasted the referee. John Cena slowly stood up, and Hunter blasted Cena across the side of the head. The fans were in disbelief. Hunter then grabbed Cena’s lifeless body... and... began to dig into his eyes.


It was here officials began to run to the ring, sighting a problem. Vince then saw Hunter… slowly, but brutally take the eyes out of Cena’s skull, and forcefully jam them down his throat. This was not wrestling. This was murder.


Vince rushed to the ring, and security was following. When he got there, Hunter was rushing out of the ring, and through the crowd. Vince walked over to the body of John Cena… and saw the word “SLOTH” written on the canvas. In the corner of his eye, Vince could have sworn Hunter put up the old Four Horsemen sign.


Vince rushed back in the back. Immediately, his cell phone rang.


“Hey there, dad.”

“Hunter, you son of a bitch, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

“I’ll explain later. Listen, dinner isn’t off now, is it?”

“Where ever you’re going, I’m going.”

“Great. See you there!”

“Hunter, I swear to…”


Hunter had hung up. Vince summoned his officers to follow him on route to the hotel. Vince couldn’t believe he had trusted Hunter. His thoughts immediately focused in on his daughter – he had to get there before Hunter did.


Vince stormed into the hotel, and quickly ran into Stephanie’s room. As Vince slowly peered in, he waved in fellow officers. They stormed ahead, with Vince a few paces behind. Immediately, they caught sight of a ghastly scene on the bed, and they screamed for Detective McMahon.


Vince rushed to the bed, but before he could get started, he felt a familiar hand grasped him from behind. Hunter arrived before they did.


“Don’t. Move. A Muscle.”


An officer looked behind him, and saw the scene. They cocked their guns, and pointed them at Hunter. Hunter acted immediately.


“If your men do not stand down, I promise you Vince, you’ll never see your daughter again.”

Vince signalled for the men to stand down.


“Now… I’m sure you’re wondering what this is all about” Hunter arrogantly exhausted.


“The Seven Deadly Sins, you’ve heard of them, correct? Let’s see here. Envy! Envy resents the good others receive or even might receive! Rob Van Dam was famous for envying others! He would go on radio programs and talk about his lack of a push!  He exposed the business all out of spite!”


“Why encyclopaedias?” Vince said, seething as he reached for his gun.


Hunter took his gun and shot at Vince’s hand, and he let out a cry of pain. “Well… people did always talk about his educated feet. I figured I’d help him along.”


“LUST!” Hunter began. “Self control and self mastery prevent pleasure from killing the soul by suffocation. Legitimate pleasures are controlled in the same way an athlete's muscles are: for maximum efficiency without damage. Lust is the self-destructive drive for pleasure out of proportion to its worth. Days before last Wrestlemania, it came out that he had an affair with a female wrestler on the roster. This was simply just another nail in the coffin of wrestling! And I presume you’re wondering about his death, too. Well… let’s just say, he finally felt what a real spear was like.”


Vince winced at his pain, while the other officers waited for his order.


“Vince, I’m going to have to demand that these officers dispose of their guns.”

“Why the hell should I do that?”

“If you don’t, I kill you and your daughter. I promise you, you’ll see your daughter if you get these men out of here.”



The men unwillingly complied.


“WRATH! I could have gone the simple route here and murdered Bryan Clark, but that just wouldn’t make sense now. Kindness means taking the tender approach, with patience and compassion. Anger is often our first reaction to the problems of others. Matt Hardy showed this to us, when let out his personal life to the public, for everyone to see. Airing his dirty laundry out, he sought revenge upon Adam, and didn’t think about the consequences! But what an ironic ‘twist of fate’ he felt… more specifically, his neck.”


Vince managed to get some words in. “You’re not a servant of god here, Hunter. You’re a murder, and by no means are you doing this world a service.”


“If only you could see the perfection… something John Cena certainly can’t do now. SLOTH! You see, Cena broke into this business young and willing to learn. But somewhere down the line, he realised he was going to be a star no matter what – he didn’t need to get better. The other sins work together to deaden the spiritual senses so we first become slow to respond to God and then drift completely into the sleep of complacency. John Cena drifted into complacency by allowing himself to remain mediocre, to never develop new material! I gauged his eyes out and jammed them down his throat, because he’s been jammed down the throats of everyone. Rather hilarious that he can’t see us now, isn’t it?”


“That’s only 4 Hunter. You’re nowhere near completion.”


“Oh really? Take a walk with me.”


Hunter pointed a gun to Vince’s head, and led him into the bedroom. What lay before him was the most gruesome thing he could imagine. There, in front of him, lay a body of a woman... her gut sliced open, and food jammed in it. The word ‘GLUTTONY’ had been written in mayonnaise on the floor. Then it hit him. This was his daughter.


Vince reacted on instinct. In one swift motion, he knocked Hunter’s gun out of his hand, and broke his arm. Vince grabbed the gun and pointed it to his head.


“You son of a bitch, what the hell is this? This isn’t a game!”

“I beg to differ. It’s all about the game, and how you play it.”

“Well I’ve got the control, can you take it?”

“Stephanie is guilty of Gluttony. When I met her, she was petite, charming, and beautiful. But then she let herself go. I would not tolerate this, she’d ruined my reputation!”

“So you kill your wife because she gained a few pounds?!”

“I killed my wife because temperance accepts the natural limits of pleasures and preserves this natural balance. This does not pertain only to food, but to entertainment and other legitimate goods, and even the company of others. She craved not only sweets, but the global media attention of the wrestling business! You know this to be true, McMahon!”

“Tell me why I shouldn’t put this bullet in you head right now Hunter! Give me one good reason!”


“I will not do that Vince… for I am guilty of a sin too. Rob Van Dam, Edge, Matt Hardy, John Cena… every one of those wrestlers stood in my way. I could not have their popularity overwhelm mine! By eliminating my competition, I guaranteed my position.”

“What about Stephanie! She’s no wrestler!”

“This is more than about fame, this is power! The one person who had more control than me in the company was her! Sure, I was her husband, but everything had to go through her. I’m the brains of this business!”

“You’re missing one. Pride.”

“That’s where you come in, McMahon. You see… you’re in a tough spot here, aren’t you? Kill me in your daughter’s honor. But you can’t, and you know it. I am guilty of these murders, but I have not been put to trial. Murder me here, in cold blood, and you’re done for. These officers are my witnesses; this security tape is my witness. You’ll be tried for murder, and you’ll be found just as guilty as I. But, if you don’t kill me, you’ll never live it down.”

“You’ll be found guilty, you damn well know it. You’re as good as dead.”

“Maybe so, but you won’t rest until I am. You’ve got the chance now, why don’t you take it? Put a bullet in my head, I can’t tell you not to! Just like Stephanie couldn’t tell you that she was pregnant with our child.”


Vince stopped.


“You… you killed an innocent child. You killed MY innocent grandchild!”

“I couldn’t have another McMahon around, messing things …”


Vince put a bullet in his head.


November 07, 2005
November 16, 2005
November 21, 2005
November 28, 2005

White Vans And Candy: (11/28/05) by James Walker


Sharmell Sullivan. It’s a name that echoes through the course of time; a legend, a myth, a hero. While few people can claim they know Sharmell, we all feel as if we are a part of Sharmell’s life. Part of that may be the giant 80 foot statues of the fair lady on every street corner until Guatemala. However, as time has proven, Sharmell is far more than a raging dictator of supreme fury – Sharmell is god damned awesome.


Sharmell was born in 32 B.C., to mother (Mary) and father (Joseph). Even from birth, her life was filled with controversy. See, Joseph knew the he wasn’t the father – this much was obvious just by looking at the colour of Sharmell’s skin. Mary claimed God himself had planted his child within Mary, but Joseph wasn’t fooled – God wasn’t black! So, they tossed Sharmell in a dumpster, and left here there to die. If it hadn’t been for the family of raccoons rummaging through the trash that nursed her back to health, we may never have been given the joy which is known as ‘The Sharmell’.


Life as a raccoon thug was tough, but Sharmell was a natural. The streets are hard life, especially when you’re obviously not a raccoon. However, Sharmell learned some valuable lessons in her youth – what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. (Except leprosy, that’s hell.) The harvest wasn’t so good one season, and things were looking grim. However, Sharmell came through for everyone, and she ate the raccoons. Did I say everyone? I meant Sharmell.


As the years passed, Sharmell became more and more distraught on how the world was being run, and started to turn her frustrations into vandalism. Her acts were generally harmless – a little sacred cow tipping here, a little chisel graffiti there – but all can be considered peanuts to the disaster in 64 A.D. See, Sharmell, upset with the way Italy played in the World Cup, decided to torch the fair city of Rome. Her guilt was common knowledge back then; however, no one dared confront her. Rumour has it that when Sharmell was in the middle of her menstrual cycle, even Madusa was afraid of Ms. Sullivan. Frustrated that no one would challenge her to a fight, Sharmell fled to Norway in search of blood sport.


In Norway, Sharmell truly found her calling. Hefty bearded men, eating meat right off the animal corpse, raping and pillaging villages all over – Sharmell knew where she belonged! Renamed Sharmell Erikson, she led mass voyages to America, where her divine slaughter knew no ends. However, Sharmell quickly grew tired of gutting the innocent – the rush was no longer there. So, on a whim, she took all the Viking supplies and sailed back to Europe, leaving her men weaponless, foodless, and easy prey for the natives. This did not bother Sharmell in the slightest, for she was far too consumed in a bottle of Absinthe. Mmm, mmm.


Time wore on, and civilization progressed. Sharmell reformed from her angry ways, and used her unabashed enthusiasm towards science. In the early 1500’s, she was working on a way mass publicize scrolls & texts without scribes. She and then-fling Booker Gutenberg invented the ‘Sharmell-a-nator 4000’, and printed 20000 copies of her first book, “The Chronicles of Sharmell”. However, upon celebration, Gutenberg knocked her unconscious, sent her to America, renamed the book “The Holy Bible”, and the rest is history. Sharmell would learn to shrug such events off, for they would soon become common occurrence. The Battery (Sharmell-a-nator 5000), Microphone (Sharmell-a-nator 6000) and Photograph (Photograph) were all her original inventions. She really should have learned to control her Absinthe by now, but Sharmell didn’t care; everyone knew the truth anyways.


Entering America as a black woman on a boat from across the Atlantic was not a wise idea in the late 18th century. Immediately bought and sold to a cotton farm, Sharmell had never been so humiliated. Bound and chained, she was disrespected continuously. However, deep inside her, a brooding fury was beginning to reach a boiling point. One day, something snapped inside of Sharmell, and she suddenly grew to a massive creature, with green skin and purple shorts. Dubbed “The Incredible Sharmell”, she freed all the slaves from their owners, and while she was at it, built the Panama Canal. As a reward, she was offered a free ride back to Europe on a large freighter. Sharmell said “Screw that”, and beckoned for her good buddy The Silver Surfer to give her a lift.


Upon arriving in Europe, Sharmell decided to put her focus back into science. Feeling adventurous, Sharmell single handedly constructed the largest cruise ship known to man, known as the ‘Sharmell is Freakin’ Wicked’. That is the official name, but many people call it by its perverse nickname, ‘Titanic’. Anyways, Sharmell decided the trip back to America sounded fun, so she tagged along. However, as was the trend with her, Sharmell quickly grew tired of the voyage, and late one night dove into the ocean and pulled a glacier in the boat’s path. Sharmell didn’t get why all the people died – I mean, were they too good to use their rocket packs? Stupid people, they deserved it.


Sharmell decided to roam the earth for a while, visiting such lands as India where she paid a skinny little name Mahatma Gandhi to spread some teachings she had scribed down on a restaurant napkin during a chicken wing fiesta. However, in the early 1940’s, there was a big ol’ fight between a bunch of countries, and Sharmell walked RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT. Well, you should have seen the mess! This raised Sharmell’s ire like no other, and decided to drop bombs on the whole damned situation. However, her supplier of nuclear warheads flaked out (literally. He was Jewish.) on her, so Sharmell decided to drop bombs, gangsta style. It was on the beaches of Normandy where we heard the first ‘Battle of the Rap’. Upon completion of the phat beatz, the entire world said in unisaon ‘Daaaaaaaaaaaaaamn’ – hence why it’s now called D-Day. The (re)percussion was felt all the way into Germany, where Hitler had no choice to surrender.


Soon there-after, Sharmell returned to America for good. Many say she swore off Europe because of all the trouble it had given her, but new speculation is rising that she simply wanted to beat up the Three Stooges. Soon after returning to America, Sharmell found herself consumed by the glory of professional boxing. She decided to hit the gym, and become the most dominant fighter of all time. She took upon a stage name, Muhammad Ali, because she didn’t want her opponents to be too scared to fight. Sharmell was having fun, but the challenge had once again vanished. In her last fight, she beat up her opponent so bad, he began to shake and call himself by Sharmell’s fake name. She decided that was a decent way out, so she bowed out of the sport and let the poor sap continue on her boxing legacy.


A few years later, Sharmell decided to start a music career. She found a group of respectable gentlemen, and one hit single later, ‘The Baha Men’ were on top of the world. To this day, they continue to produce the most complex and glorious music known to mankind. Known world wide as ‘Modern Day Mozart’, their works such as ‘Who Let The Dogs Out’, and ‘Seriously, Who Let The Damn Dogs Out’ have become international anthems.


This entire history up until this point is virtually meaningless compared to her presidency victory in 2008. Despite the impossibility, Sharmell gained 140% of the popular vote. After conquering Mars, Sharmell also proved that men are indeed NOT from there, and is now currently working on disproving the myth about women. There are also rumours that Sharmell wishes to bring back the dinosaurs, for she claims that ‘the dinosaurs were so much cooler than all of you.’ No denying that.


And so concludes our tale of the modern goddess. What the future holds for Sharmell is uncertain, but what is certain is that she’ll be making history where ever she goes. She is a creature of unimaginable strength, will, and might. She’ll also be stomping on your souls, just because she can.

Send feedback to James Walker

White Vans And Candy: (11/21/05) by James Walker 


Wrestlers come and go. They’re on our TV for a few years, then they drug themselves up/murder their girlfriends/disrespect the entire business, and they’re gone. Gone from the TV, but not our hearts. What happens to our favourite useless jobber after he’s fired? Did The Berzerker go back to raping and pillaging villages in the Arctic Circle? Did Rico go back to being the cop in the village people? No one will ever know… but, I can hypothesize! And bullshit!


This week…


Where are they now? ... IV!




The Jive Soul Bro himself is a man of destiny. That destiny? To be unemployed. However, things were not always this way for Slick. The chicken eatin’, toe-steppin, lady lovin’ manager was a sure fire hit in the late 80’s until.. umm… he kinda sorta was a reverend and his character was the exact opposite of his real life. Either way, he eventually came back to the WWF as a face manager for Kamala, under the name of Reverend Slick, but somehow the wrestling mantra of ‘Religious angles ALWAYS go over’ failed. (See: Reverend D-von)


So what has our guy been up to of late? Well, believe it or not, Slick is now a legitimate Satanist! In a immense SWERVE, Slick was conning us all, and he’s turned heel on GOD. Slick and God feuded for a while, but people though it was a little racist.. all powerful white man beating up an obeying black man… so the angle was canned, and Slick feuded with John. Unfortunately, feuding with a disciple is a career suicide of sorts in religious circles. Slick outta luck.




OMG U SAID KRONIK. Yes yes, retarded shock value at it’s best here folks – a team composed of two hoss’ straight out of early-mid nineties mid-cards stiffing victims, all to the tunes of Bob Marley. Ok so maybe the Chronic thing had little to do with Kronic… doesn’t mean I can’t take pot shots at it. Ha ha. Anywho, they dominated late WCW tag team ranks until the Invasion came… and after one PPV match against Kane & Undertaker, they were cut loose.


However, things have turned dire for these two. They’ve resorted a life of misery, of unimaginable pain. Yes… Kronik have joined.. THE CIRCUS. These two, when not operating the tilt-a-whirl, are on display as ‘What happens when Siamese Twin separation goes wrong.’


Perry Saturn

Where or where do we begin? From legit ECW ass kicker, to respectable WCW mid-carder, all the way down to disappointing WWE jobber, Perry’s covered a lot of ground in his career. Career highlights include shooting on a jobber, then befriending a mop. Sounds good to me.


So how’s our lovable concussion victim doing? Hell if I know. I just wanted to point out he had a valet named Moppy. I mean, really, how do they expect THIS to get over?




Yuji Nagata

Some wrestling fans know Yuji Nagata as yet another Japanese strong style god-among-men, but most people in North America either know him as the guy who attacked Ultimo Dragon’s arm, or as one of them Japanese guys in WCW/NWO Revenge. It could be considered a sad tale, except, it’s actually quite an honour… in Japan, to be immortalized in a video game is equivalent to a purple heart.


Anywho, what’s the little bugger up to nowadays? Well, following in the steps of Chyna, Sean Waltman, and.. uh… X-Pac… Yugi Nagata has turned to the porn industry. This is an impressive feat, for Japanese men aren’t really well known for their.. ahem.. stature… in the industry. Either way, he had a break out performance, and it translated to multiple… contracts. His first film was a smash hit in Japan, and is doing well in the younger demographics here in North America. The title? ‘Yuji… Ooooh!’



Tim White

Man, was this guy ever a kick ass referee. He’s chubby, got a beard, probably danced with Godfather’s hoes, and in the coolest moment ever, he got brutally injured. A few years back, Triple H & Jericho had this nifty little Hell in a Cell Match, which not only saw Jericho lose ample amounts of credibility (which is ALWAYS GREAT) but Timmy White took the BIGGEST BUMP OF THE MATCH, ruining his shoulder. We all giggled, trust me.


The thing that’s interesting about this, is it ended his entire career as a referee. One could say that Tim White got D-lowned. This put Timmy white in a difficult position… and seeing as he was useless to the WWE, he was canned. So where has Tim White ended up? Well, it shouldn’t come to a shock to many people… Tim White returned to his old job. See, he came to the WWE from France, (his real name is Tim Blanc) where he worked in a local church. A make over later, he was a referee. Here are some pictures of the guy.







Matt Morgan

He’s big, he’s strong, and now he’s also out of a job. But this was not always the way for Matt Morgan. See, He tried out for tough enough… and got cut. He came to the WWE.. and then got send down to OVW. Got brought up again... and then got fired. It’s a great little cycle they’ve got going on. Anywho, the closest thing semblance of a character this guy ever saw was a stuttering role – quite fitting, considering that’s all his career has ever done.


So what is ol’ false start up to today? You wouldn’t believe it, but I ran into Matt Morgan the other day, as I was strolling through the park looking for corpses to make love to. You know those statue guys that stand there until you toss em a quarter, where they proceed to make a sudden movement and scare the surrounding children? Yeah, Matt Morgan stole his money.



Nathan Jones

From one geriatric hoss to another! However, unlike Morgan, Nathan Jones really had a legit shot at stardom. The guy had some great pre-debut vignettes, an immediate alliance with the Undertaker, a win over Chris Benoit, and STILL couldn’t get more heat than Sub-Zero. Anyways, the as the guy proceeded to lactate his way out of the arena, he vowed he’d get famous some. AND HAS HE EVER!


Nathan Jones, believe it or not, is now an astronaut. Saturday Night Live has done documentaries on his space adventures, and even had a nifty little theme song! In case you’re lazy, here’s the lyrical transcription:

I'm taking a rocket.
I'm packing my suitcase.
Hey, look out, Moon!

Yeah, a rocket
into outer space.
Good-bye, human race.
I'll be there soon.

Blast off!
For fun and adventure.
Yes, I said adventure
collecting stones.

Yeah, it's my way,
on the old space highway.
That's why they all say,
"There goes Astronaut Jones!"


However, while Nathan believes he’s exploring the far nexus of the universe, truthfully, the IWC just wanted to get rid of the bastard.


Art Barr

I’m pretty certain he’s been reunited with a dear friend of his.



Alright folks, that’s all you get for this edition of Where Are They Now? Don’t forget to tune in next time, where I continue the defamation of the unemployed. Hobos are funny.


White Vans And Candy: (11/16/05) by James Walker

(Note: We’re all sad as hell about Eddie Guerrero’s passing. There’s no way I could do him justice, so all I’m going to say is he will be missed. Thanks for the memories, homes.)

I’ve come to a realization. This might come to a shock to all of you, but sometimes, I have ideas that never come to fruition. Sometimes, I just can’t think of a way to work an idea into a column, and I write little pieces which I promise myself I’ll come back to, yet never do. I’ve got a fair amount of these, and today you kids get a glorious CLIP SHOW.

This week,


In the following installment, I decided to write drunk. The results? Poor. But still, look, I make fun of stuff!


Alright kiddies, it’s time for a WVAC experiment. See, I’m drunk right now. It’s also going to get worse. Now, while I’ve been drunk/drinking while I write before, I never wrote a column BECAUSE I’m drunk. So, you’re gonna get my drunken ramblings. (By the way, I’m making so many typos right now. I think I’m gonna cozy up to my dear friend, the backspace key. –Hey buddy, how ya doin’? Oh yeah? Good? How’s the wife & kids? WHAT? THE PLUS KEY CHEATED ON YOU WITH THE NEGATIVE KEY? BUT THEY’RE SO DIFFERENT!) Ok, ok, here we go.

This week, White Vans And Candy Presents… *burp*: DRUNKEN RAMBLINGS.

I have a confession to make. Seeing as I’m a HUGE IWC SUPERSTAR, this might be a shock… but folks, I haven’t watched wrestling in months. Now, the easy reason is because I share a TV with 25 other people. But honestly, back in the day, I would have murdered them all just to see Val Venis’ entrance. So what’s my deal?

I dunno. I’m not growing up, because right now I’m listening to Milli Vanilli. And girl… you know wrestling is still cool.

What I think it is, is I’ve become clairvoyant. See, I can predict raw & smackdown to a tee every week. I know, for example, that we can’t see John Cena (speaking of which, I think Kevin Bacon wants his gimmick back.) I also know that there will be shenanigans of the nefarious kind, unseen since the tyranny that was the Nazi Regime. It’s all obvious to me, and frankly, I don’t know why it isn’t to you fat faced gnomes.

*10 hours later*

Holy Christ kids, I just woke up. And, umm, ow. Fucking ow. There’s chili on the ground (well, it LOOKS like chili), there’s a random female in my bed, and apparently my grandma visited me from 4000 kilometers (that’s right you yanks, METRIC SYSTEM FOR THE WIN) away to deliver some clean laundry… or, so my whiteboard says. Not to mention the throbbing medulla oblongata I’m rocking.

Ok.. so where the fuck was I? Oh, I see, I was writing while drunk. (fat faced gnomes? I’m genius!) Hmm, that was short-lived. Y’know, I think I was going somewhere with being psychic & all, and I think I was going to predict Raw next week. But… umm… no. That’s lame.

… God damn, I need Tylenol.

My my, how truly epic. I sure hope my mom doesn’t read my column.

Next up, we have a follow up to a recent edition. You see, I really enjoyed writing those songs parodies, and I decided to keep going. I’ve got another one that probably could have been included in the column.. if, you know, I hadn’t made it after it was posted. So enjoy.

‘Ironic’ – Some Whiny Bitch

Ric Flair, turned ninety-eight
He won the IC title and died the next day
It's a cruiserweight in your Main Event
It's Matt Hardy able to defend
Isn't it ironic ... don't you think

It's like Kane breaking kayfabe
It's a pin on Hunter when you've lost to Lance Cade
It's the Turner contract that you had to take
Who would've thought ... it figures

Mr. Champ Is Here had a problem with his baby blues
Get Lazer-eye surgery, he was told to do

Waited his whole damn life to get that fix
And as the doctor slipped, he thought
'Now I can’t see you.'
And isn't it ironic ... don't you think

It's like Kane breaking kayfabe
It's a pin on Hunter when you've lost to Lance Cade
It's the Turner contract that you had to take
Who would've thought ... it figures

Bradshaw has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you’re in the Shower minding your own business
Hunter has a funny way of helping you out when
He turns you face and your entire push blows up
In your face, Orton.

It's like respect when you're jobbing in ROH
It's like Big Show being told to gain weight
It's like thousands of fans when you need a TV deal
It's being the most over face in history
And then Steve Austin turns heel
And isn't it ironic... don't you think
A little too ironic... and yeah I really do think...

It's like Kane breaking kayfabe
It's a pin on Hunter when you've lost to Lance Cade
It's the Turner contract that you had to take
Who would've thought ... it figures

Bradshaw has a funny way of sneaking up on you
Hunter has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out

In hindsight, it’s a good thing it wasn’t posted… I didn’t want you folks to know I can recite the lyrics at an Alanis Morisette song, and geek it up a notch. .. aww fuck.

The following snippet, well, could have been glorious. However, I got lazy & decided to make fun of Warrior instead.


Do you feel like you don’t fit in? Do you feel lost in an enormous sea of confusion, wondering where you belong? Is life a continuous never ending equation that just leaves you scratching your head? White Vans & Candy can help.

I estimate there to be 4 groups in the wrestling industry. These four groups’ opinions make up just about every belief one can hold about any subject. As a service to you, the faithful reader, I have simplified these views on various topics, so you can determine where you ‘fit in’, so to speak.





Vince McMahon

Jeff Jarrett as NWA-TNA champion

*ties noose*

Jeff Jarrett is trying to steal my gimmick, IT WONT WORK MCMAHON

Hey, didn’t he use to pork Austin’s wife?

J E Double GONE!!! Remember that? I SLAY ME.

John Cena

He will never be over because he’s mediocre. Paul London is far more marketable.

This jacked up freak couldn’t cut a promo to save his life.

"We’re not worthy!"

"Sweet, glorious, cash."

Muhammed Hassan

When he’s on TV, he’s disgraceful. But as soon as he’s off, the guy is OVER!

Muhammed Hassan is trying to steal my gimmick, IT WONT WORK MCMAHON




Pity I couldn’t have been assed to write any more. I was going to stretch that into talk about modern political issues, such as abortion – and you better believe a Snitsky reference was going to make it’s way into it. However, I’m kinda flaky. RAWR DETERMINATION

Ok folks, that’s all you get. Reason being, the other unused material I have is either worse/way too good and will be a column some day (in both cases!).

So… yeah, this edition really had nothing to it. I mean, I could say it’s because I’m smack dab in the middle of mid-terms, but really, I’m just a jerk who likes to make you suffer through the shit I didn’t see fit for posting. How does that make you feel, knowing that you just read a bunch of crap I didn’t want anyone to read? Mahahaha. Maaahaaa. Haaa. *giggle*

...wait, now I feel retarded for letting the world see this crap.


So, that Sonny Siaki… he really could have a killer feud with Lex Luger, eh?


White Vans And Candy: (11/07/05) by James Walker


As I’m sure you’ve all heard by now, Christian and the WWE have parted ways. Ever since Christian came to the WWE, winning the light-heavyweight title, he’s been my honest to goodness favourite wrestler. Through out high school, my best friend and I would giggle at all ends about 5 second poses and how sweet the Unprettier is. (Yes, I was that cool.) When he broke out into singles work, I couldn’t have been happier – as long as Christian showed up on my TV every Monday or Thursday night, I was a happy man. Then… he started to get himself over – something only the true stars are able to do. His work was never in question, but now he was getting some of the biggest pops around, and there was no fan more wide-eyed than I, begging for a World Championship run.


When I heard the news that he’d declined to resign with the WWE, I couldn’t blame him… if the guy wanted to be shitted on, he’d do some dutch porn. However, there is still as sense of loss in my heart that will always long for our lovable Jay Reso. That’s why… I wrote this little song.





.. here’s lookin’ at you, kid.




A long, long time ago...
I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could make it in the big dance
And, maybe, Wresting would be fun, for a while.

But Smackdown made me shiver
With every Unprettier I’d deliver.
Bad news on Vince’s cell call;
I couldn’t take one more pin fall.

I can’t remember if he lied
”You’ll get a push”, my eyes all wide,
But Patterson touched me deep inside
The day, I grew some balls.

So bye-bye, Mr. Canadian Guy
Drove my patience to the limit
But my patience had died
And good ol’ boys were drinking and getting’ high
Singin’, "He was too small to survive”
"He was too small to survive"

Signing a contract full of laws,
Did you pay attention to the no-compete clause?
Talk to Brock, you two can have a nice chat.
Can you believe they trademarked your name?
Saying they caused all of Christian’s fame,
We’ll see what the church has to say about that.

Well, I know that you’re in love with it
but we all know talent don’t mean shit.
I’ve always got my workin’ boots.
Just a shame I was always told to lose.

I was a lonely mid card jobbing act
When I had a promo with Vinnie Mac,
But his priorities were out of whack,
The day, I grew, some balls.

I started singin’,
"bye-bye, Mr. Canadian Guy."
Drove my patience to the limit
But my patience had died
And good ol’ boys were drinking and gettin’ high
Singin’, "He was too small to survive”
”He was too small to survive"

Now for8 years I’ve been with the E
Pay your dues, that what they told me,
What about Mr. You Can’t See Me?
Or when Angle won his first belt,
Then Brock showed the world what he was all about
Nobody ever gave them doubt.

Oh, and while Vince was looking down,
When I got over, he began to frown.
For it wasn’t what he had planned;
”Get your own heat? I’ll be damned!”
And while Edge was cheating on his wife,
And Matt slashed his tires with a knife,

My career was getting a new life,
The day I grew some balls

We were singing,
"bye-bye, Mr. Canadian Guy."
Drove my patience to the limit
But my patience had died
And good ol’ boys were drinking and getting’ high
Singin’, "He was too small to survive”
”He was too small to survive"

Swantons and Spears, I took em all.
Make em look good, I’d get the call,
then pat me on the head and smile away.
With a pathetic win loss record,
Still my popularity had soared,
At least I never had to make out with Mae.

Now my main event stint was feeling good
Become a big star, I know I could.
I got up to the big dance,
But it was a short lived romance.
`cause the bookers are fickle ones;
Make one wrong move, and you’re done.
Make room for Orton’s Son
The day I grew some balls

We started singing,
"bye-bye, Mr. Canadian Guy."
Drove my patience to the limit
But my patience had died
And good ol’ boys were drinking and gettin’ high
Singin’, "He was too small to survive”
”He was too small to survive"

Oh, I still remember how I’d prespire,
When I’d come up through that ring of fire
I wouldn’t dare say a thing to raise Vince’s ire.
I can still feel the laughs when I wore those puffy shirts!
But the only thing I feel now is hurt
For I now know all I had was a main event flirt

Oh, and as they watched me from the stage
Their hands were clenched in fists of rage.
”Why are they cheering you,”
”We haven’t told them to!”
And as my star grew stronger in the ranks
They eliminated my every chance,
Probably doesn’t help that JBL still hates Lance.
The day I grew some balls

He was singing,
"bye-bye, Mr. Canadian Guy."
Drove my patience to the limit
But my patience had died
And good ol’ boys were drinking and gettin’ high
Singin’, "He was too small to survive”
”He was too small to survive"

I met a champ with a damn big nose
I asked him if he liked my 5 second pose,
But he just laughed and took a leak.
I went down to Stamford Headquarters
come right away, said the boss’ orders,
Only to hear I’m gonna go on a losing streak.

And on the net: the IWC screamed,
While the TNA bookers creamed.
I’m a simple victim of perjury
Even though I’ve avoided injury.
the three men who were works of art;
Davey, Hennig and Owen Hart
All chuckle now they’ve gone to depart
The day I grew some balls.

And they were singing,
"bye-bye, Mr. Canadian Guy."
Drove my patience to the limit
But my patience had died
And them good ol’ boys were drinking and getting’ high
Singin’, "He was too small to survive”
”He was too small to survive"

They were singing,
"bye-bye, Mr. Canadian Guy."
Drove my patience to the limit
But my patience had died
And thm good ol’ boys were drinking and getting’ high
Singin’, "He was too small to survive”

September 26, 2005
October 03, 2005
October 10, 2005
October 17, 2005
October 31, 2005

White Vans And Candy: (10/31/05) by James Walker

This is a huge milestone for me here, folks. You see, in my time here on TWF, I’ve plugged away at my weekly column, providing dozens of laughs. However, the entire time, I’ve just pulled the column ideas out of my ass, and gone from there. However, this week, I’m not coming up with an idea… SOCIETY has GIVEN me a topic! I’m talkin’ about HALLOWEEN.


Yes folks, I’m going to go the predictable route…. For this week,




Hardcore Holly

I’ve heard rumours as to what Bob Holly will be dressing as this year… what, you haven’t? Jeez, what LAME dirtsheets YOU read! However, the leading rumour is that of a good ol’ fashioned bartender. Now, I know, on first sight, this sounds pretty obscure. But see… this will allow Bob Holly to “SERVE UP SOME ALABAMA SLAMMAS ALL NIGHT LONG!!!!!!!!”… because we all know he’s totally over and those cheers aren’t dubbed in, right? Yeah, definitely. Bob 4 lyfe.


Booker T

Booker is going original this year.. unlike years before, where he dressed as G.I Bro (I mean.. one year, whatever.. for 38 straight years? What the fuck, man.) booker has come up with an extremely detailed and clever costume. Booker is going to be.. EDWARD SCISSORS KICK.


… hmm. Maybe I should have seen the movie before I decided to write a blurb about how it ties into wrestling. Soooo… umm… let’s pretend I already wrote it, ok?




Damn, that was funny. I’m really clever, and totally on top of pop culture. I should be on MTV.


John Cena

Wrestling’s next big star is going a classic route this year. It’ll be an odd change for him – he’s normally costumed as a credible wrestler the other 364 days of the year. But On Halloween… everything is gonna change. See this year, John is takin’ it OLD SKOOL~!!1, and he’s going to be a ghost. No, not because we can see through his thinly veiled sheet of ‘talent’, but because John wants us finally to make sense of ‘You can’t see me!’


(Alright you pricks… I just wanted to make that joke. Hell, this whole column was designed for that. I don’t think my delivery on it was that great, but tough cookies. I’m an important man – there’s a whole tube of cookie dough that I haven’t eaten yet. I don’t have the time to make more bad Cena jokes.. properly.)


Tyson Tomko

Ok… so, umm, yeah. I suddenly realized this guy was still under contract. Remember that, what, 2 week push he had given to him? Well, I decided it would be funny if I brought this up. However, lo and behold, NOTHING IS FUNNY ABOUT HIM.


So, therefore, he’s going to be Ray Romano.


Rodney Mac

(Yes yes, he doesn’t work for the WWE. I don’t care, he’s still fun to laugh at. )

This year, rumours are FLYING around that Rodney Mac has cooked up something special with his ‘Wham Bam I think it’s Ma’am?’ Jazz. Yes folks, you know those adorable tandem costumes lovey-dovey couples come to parties in and rub in your face how cute they are and how white their picket fence is and how adorable their golden retriever is while they completely ignore the fact that golden retrievers are a dirty dogs and smell real bad and that a dachshund is a far better choice, while the also ignore the fact that they’re really no better than you because they’re happy I mean I’m happy just not like them; I’ve got contra to keep me company, and they have each other, same thing, right?


Err… umm... costumes. Yeah. They’re not dressing up, actually. They’re going to the bank to take a second mortgage out on their cardboard box. See, they’re poor. Cause they got fired. Ha ha.


Brock Lesnar

Yeah yeah, he’s not with the company either. Quit your bitching, he’s a comedy goldmine, and I’m a capitalist like that. Anywho, Brock is rocking it up in New Japan, winning their top belt on his first show. Now, the move to the Land of The Rising Sun has done a lot to old Lesnar here… being so pleased that they’ve accepted them into their ulture, Brock has begun to delve into the masses that is Japanese Pop Culture. The guy is wolfing down Pocky like no tomorrow, has a Hello Kitty tote bag, and is really into some weird porn now. However, it has never been more apparent that he’s been heavily influenced by the Japanese lifestyle in his Halloween costume.


This year, Brock Lesnar is a Super Sayin. I’ll leave it at that.


Randy Orton

Oh young Randal, what a whipper snapper he is… pooping where he pleases, getting away with rowdy antics, always getting what he wants… so, it’s not far of a stretch for Randy to be dressed as an infant.


Now hold on here… the fun is just beginning. See, I hear what you’re saying right now – “Yeah yeah yeah, Randy is a baby, whatever James. Are you gonna imply now he enter the Juniors division? That’d be brilliant, really. No honestly man, you’d be so clever!” Believe me folks, I’m better than that… now sit back and enjoy this doozy.


So Randy’s a younglin’ now, eh? And knowing the WWE’s penchant for pushing green OVW talent to the moon, this seems like a perfect fit. However, ‘Huggies’ isn’t part of the dress code, and he’s gonna be released. Where will he go to? Well… we all know Feinstein will be calling.


There you’ve got it folks… the lamest damn Halloween costumes since the year I dressed up as ‘Crazy Pickle Arm’. However, take solace in the fact that these guys can toodle around all year in their underwear, AND THEN, they get to ‘dress up’. Frankly, For wrestlers, Halloween is more of a vacation then anything. That is, except for the likes of Orlando Jordan.. poor fucker doesn’t even have a damn character.

 White Vans And Candy: (10/17/05) by James Walker


It’s been a while since the WWE released a CD. Ok, no it hasn’t. But, I needed a way to introduce the column, so, um, that’s the best you’re gonna get. Just go with it, ok? Anyways, the reason for their delay is because they’re coming out with THE BEST CD YOU’LL EVER EXPERIENCE. And as you kids know, I’m THE source for the inner secrets of the WWE. (eww...) You’ll never believe what I found here folks…


This week,





Track 1: Bitch of Man Named McMahon – Jim Ross


Well this is a story all about how,

My face got flipped, turned upside down

And I’d like take a minute just sit right there

And tell you how I became the bitch of man name McMahon


In south Oklahoma, born & raised

On football field where I spent most of my days

Hoping to announce games for that’d be cool

And thinkin’ bout shootin’ roids to play for the soons

When an weird lookin’ guy said I look like a tool

Offered me a job & get me outta that neighbourhood

I got into a private jet & my doc got scared

He said you’re in no condition to sit in an announcin’ chair


I shrieked for Austin when he raised some hell

I struggled to deal with my palsy’s, comma, bell’s

I realized in this job I’d never be bored

I thought man forget it, yo home to Stam-ford!


I pulled into Raw about 7 or 8

And McMahon yelled ‘Yo fatty smell ya later!’

Linda bruised my jewels, not with her hands.

And that’s how I became the bitch of a man named McMahon



Track 2: ‘Basket Case, V1’ – Matt Hardy


Do you have the time?

To listen to me whine.

About Amy & Adam

All at once

I am one of those

Emo-reactive fools

Wasting TV time,

No doubt about it


Sometimes I give women the creeps

Sometimes my boss plays tricks on me

I’m sure I’d get title shots

Now I job to Cade & Murdoch

Am I gonna follow Jeff?

Or is he still stoned?


I went to R O H

To show I’m not a waste

But their lack of crowds was bringing me down

I bitched about my whore

She said our relationship’s a chore

So quit my whining

Cause it’s making me look bad


Sometimes I give women the creeps

Sometimes my boss plays tricks on me

I’m sure I‘d get title shots

Now I job to Cade & Murdoch

Am I gonna get pushed?

Ah, nah nah nah!


Grasping for creative control

But I gotta lay down


Sometimes I give women the creeps

Sometimes my boss plays tricks on me

I’m sure I’d get title shots

Now I job to Cade & Murdoch

Am I gonna follow Jeff?

Or is he still stoned?



Track 3: ‘Imagine’ – The IWC


Imagine there’s no Hunter

It’s easy if you try

No pedigrees on chairs below us

Above us no more ceiling

Imagine all the people

At our live events


Imagine there’s no Bradshaw

It isn’t hard to do

No clotheslines to duck for

No more ass rapes, too.

Imagine all the cruisers,

In our main events


You may say that I’m a smark

But I’m not the only one

I hope some day you’ll join us

And Chris Jericho will be your man.


Imagine no Chris Masters

I hope that you all can

No need for selling a full nelson

A hold not put over since Vietnam

Imagine all the pushes

For talented men


You may say that I’m a smark

But I’m not the only one

I hope some day you’ll join us

And Chris Benoit will be your man.



Track 4: ‘London’s Calling’ – WWE Management


London’s calling to other feds

Now he sees he’s a jobber, he’s good as dead

London’s calling to T.N.A.
When they matter, that’ll be the day
London’s calling, now don't look to us
Top rope maneuvers have not earned our trust
London’s calling, see we ain't got no care
Cause we’ve ruined him so much his resumé is bare

The new age is coming, competition coming in
Low ratings expected, rosters becoming thin
Workers stop caring, but I have no fear
'Cause London is losing, and I have Stephanie near

London’s calling to New Japan; he’ll work hard
Lesnar’s there, show him how to do the shooting star
London’s calling to Ring of honor
Feinstein’ll rape you like you’re Harry Potter!
London’s calling, and I don't wanna shout
But when he was wrestling, I saw fans marking out
London’s calling, see he ain’t got a clue
Cause Orlando cheers guys like the 3 Live Kru

The new age is coming, competition coming in
Low ratings expected, rosters becoming thin
Workers stop caring, but I have no fear
'Cause London is losing, and I have Stephanie near

Now get this

London’s calling but does anyone care?
An' you know what they said? CUT YOUR DAMN HAIR.
London’s calling for a decent run

For a time when his matches were fun
London’s calling

I never have been so aloof aloof aloof…



Track 5: ‘Dead (Iron) Man’ – The Undertaker


Has he lost a match?
Can he lose or can he tap?
Can he be pinned at all?
Or if he fails will he fall?
Is he 'live or dead?
Do we care that he was called Booger Red?
He'll just pin him there,
Why should he even care?

He was turned to god
Hell in a cell, he got the nod
When, way back in time
Nearly broke the neck of Mankind

People cheered him;
He just praises an urn,
Pinning the Ortons
They’ll never get their turn

Now the time is here
for Dead Man to spread fear,
Choke slams are his friend
Tombstones are the inevitable end

People cheered him;
He just praises an urn,
Pinning the Ortons
They’ll never get their turn

Big boots to the head
Knocks out his victims, they’re left for dead
Running as fast as they can,
Dead Man has their career in his hand

Has he lost a match?
Can he lose or can he tap?
Can he be pinned at all?
Or if he fails will he fall?
Is he 'live or dead?
Do we care that he was called Booger Red?
He'll just pin him there,
Why should he even care?

He was turned to god
Hell in a cell, he got the nod
When, way back in time
Nearly broke the neck of Mankind

Now the time is here
for Dead Man to spread fear,
Choke slams are his friend
Tombstones are the inevitable end

Now we know what time it is
For Dead Man to call it quits
That won’t happen though
Retirements don’t happen on B-shows

People cheered him;
He just praises an urn,
Pinning the Ortons
They’ll never get their turn

Big boots to the head
Knocks out his victims, they’re left for dead
Running as fast as they can,
Dead Man has their career in his hand


Track 6: ‘Pretty Fly For A White Guy’ – Vince McMahon & The Creative Travellin’ Band


You can’t see me baby, uh huh, uh huh
You can’t see me baby, uh huh, uh huh
You can’t see me baby, uh huh, uh huh
And all the fanboys say I'm pretty fly for a white guy
One, Two, Three, and the FU is pretty sweet
You know its kinda hard just to get over today
Our subject wasn’t cool, but we forced it anyway
He may not have a skill, and he may not have a style
But everything he lacks, he makes up in merch sales
So don't debate, being champ was fate
You know he really don’t want to alientate
Gonna push our man, he’s no flash in the pan
But for him no swears, for him no swears!
So if you aren’t great, just over compensate
At least you know you can always go to TNA
The world needs wigger champs
Hey, hey, look at the belt spins!
You can’t see me baby, uh huh, uh huh
You can’t see me baby, uh huh, uh huh
You can’t see me baby, uh huh, uh huh
And all the fanboys say I'm pretty fly for a white guy
He needs a cool gimmick, not just any will suffice
But he didn’t have talent, so he became Vanilla Ice
Now cruising in the main event, he sees Bradshaw as he pass
But if he looks twice, he’s gonna plug his rookie ass!
So don't debate, being champ was fate
You know he really don’t want to alientate
Gonna push our man, he’s no flash in the pan
But for him no swears, for him no swears!
So if you aren’t great, just over compensate
At least you know you can always go to TNA
The world loves wigger champs
Hey, hey, look at the belt spins!
Now he's getting a cheers yeah, he's getting new fans
He thinks he black, but he doesn’t have a tan
Friends say he's trying too hard and he's not quite hip
But in his own mind he's got, he’s got a nice dropkick
You can’t see me baby, uh huh, uh huh
You can’t see me baby, uh huh, uh huh
You can’t see me baby, uh huh, uh huh
And all the fanboys say I'm pretty fly for a white guy
One, Two, Three, and the FU is pretty sweet
So don't debate, being champ was fate
You know he really don’t want to alientate
Gonna push our man, he’s no flash in the pan
But for him no swears, for him no swears!
So if you aren’t great, just over compensate
At least you know you can always go to TNA
The world needs wigger champs
The world loves wigger champs
Let's get some more wigger champs
Hey, hey, look the belt spins!

Track 7: ‘Under the Rule’ – Rob Van Dam


Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a prayer

Sometimes I feel like, my only hope

Is the city that cheered me,

The city of hardcore

Talented as I am,

Forever I’ll lose.


I’ll put over Carlito

‘cause ‘he’s got mic skills’

I go through tables

but nobody cares

Johnny sees my old matches

Tells me they’re sloppy

I’ll be champion

Now that is a lie


I’ll never know how it feels

To be main event

Pin me in the ring tonight,

Pin me every day.


It’s hard to believe

That there’s no chance for me

It’s hard to believe

That this is my peak

At least I have their love,

The fans that cheer me

Talented as I am,

Forever I’ll lose.


I’ll never know how it feels

To be main event

Pin me in the ring tonight,

Pin me every day.


Under the rule of McMahon

Is where I drew some blood

Under the rule of McMahon

I couldn’t get enough wins

Under the rule of McMahon

Forget about my push

Under the rule of McMahon

I gave my life away



Track 8: ‘The accomplishments of Sylvan Grenier’ – Sylvan Grenier





Track 9: ’Another Dick With No Balls’ – Jim Hellwig


Sanity’s gone to Parts Unknown,
Leaving just a memory,
Gorilla Press Slam & Big Splashes.
Vinnie, got any royalties for me?
Vinnie, I have a family to feed.
All in all I was just a dick with no balls.
All in all I was just a dick with no balls.


He don’t need no education.
He don’t need no steady job.
Hating sand niggers, spics and coons.
Warrior, leave those roids alone.
Hey, Warrior, leave those roids alone!
All in all he’s just another dick with no balls.
All in all he’s just another dick with no balls.

I don’t need fans around me

But I could use some drugs to calm me.
I have seen the DVD, took a lot of balls.
Don’t think I get royalties at all.
No! don’t think I’ll get royalties at all.
All in all I was just a dick with no balls.
All in all I was just a dick with no balls.


If you can’t make sense, how can you have any a job?

How can you have a job if you don’t make sense?



Track 10: ‘Christian’s Rhapsody’– Various Superstars (Re-release)


Christian: Is this my real life…
Is this just fantasy…


Chris Benoit: Caught in talent hell…
No escape from our contract…


Paul London: Open your eyes,
After being pinned and seeeeee!


Steven Richards: I’m just a jobber, I need no victories.


Rob Van Dam: Because I’m easy pin, easy go.
I get a little high… a big no no…


Hurricane: Anyways, the show blows; doesn’t really matter to me
Toooo meee…


HHH: Stephy… just squashed a man…
Pedigree on his head
3 count later, his career is dead.


JBL: Mama, his push had just begun!
But now I’ve gone and killed it all away
Mama, OoooOOOOOooo!!!
Didn’t mean to make you lose!
If you’re not on your back this time tomorrow,
Powerbomb, Powerbomb, and the pinfall doesn’t matter…


Kurt Angle: Hope I’m not too late, doctors have come
Still have the shivers down my spine!
Body’s aching all the time.
They say goodbye, that I’ve got to go.
That I’ve gotta leave it all behind to face the truth.
Mama oooooh, (anyways the show blows)
Don’t want my career to die
Sometimes wish I’d never awesome at all.


Pat Patterson: I see a little package of a French man,
Rene Dupree, Rene Dupree, will you do the fag dance?


Charlie Haas: Lack of creative plans, very implausible to me!


Everyone: Jericho, Jericho!
Jericho, Jericho!
Jericho, jobber magnifico!


Christian: But I’m just a small man and nobody cheers me


Chris Benoit, Paul London, RVD, Hurricane: He’s just a small boy from a different country-
Spare his pride from losing to a DDT-


Christian: Easy come easy go, will you let me go?


HHH, Undertaker, Triple H, Kurt Angle: BATISTA! No ,we will not let you go!
Chris Benoit, Paul London, RVD, Hurricane: Let him go!
HHH, Undertaker, Triple H, Kurt Angle: BATISTA! We will not let you go!
Chris Benoit, Paul London, RVD, Hurricane: Let him go!
HHH, Undertaker, Triple H, Kurt Angle: BATISTA! We will not let you go!
Christian: Let me go!
HHH, Undertaker, Triple H, Kurt Angle: Will not let you go!
Christian: Let me go-oohhhhh!
HHH, Undertaker, Triple H, Kurt Angle: No,no,no,no,no,no,no!
Nunzio: Mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let him go!
Christian: Jeff Jarrett has a push put aside for me, for me, for MEEEEEEE!


Christian: So you think you can squash me and kill all my pride!
So you think you can push me then leave me to die!
Oh baby, can’t do this to me baby!
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here!


Talent doesn’t matter,
Anyone can see,
Talent doesn’t matter, talent doesn’t matter to the E….


Anyways, the show blows....


Track 11: ‘Bennnnnnnnnoit’ – The IWC


Bennnnnoit, you don’t have to work the mid card

Those days are over

You’re main event because you worked hard

Bennnnoit, you don’t have to face Orlando Jordan tonight

Get pinned cleanly for money,

You don’t care if it degrades your might


Bennnnnoit, you don’t have to work the mid card

Bennnnnoit, you don’t have to work the mid card

Working the mid card, working the mid card

Working the mid card, working the mid card

Working the mid card… blows


I loved you since I knew ya

I know you’re not from Atlanta

I’ll tell you how I feel today

You’d be better off in TNA

I know your mind is made up

I know it wouldn’t be a trade up

Told you once, Won’t tell you again, but you’re in a bad way


Bennnnnoit, you don’t have to work the mid card

Bennnnnoit, you don’t have to work the mid card

Working the mid card, working the mid card

Working the mid card, working the mid card

Working the mid card, working the mid card

Working the mid card, working the mid card

You don’t have to work the mid card

You don’t have to work the mid card




Pretty freakin’ sweet, eh?

White Vans And Candy: (10/10/05) by James Walker


Ok, I have a secret to tell you kids. Last week.. I really *didn’t* hack into Warrior’s e-mail. I know, I know, it was deceiving. Secretly, I MADE THOSE EMAILS UP. However, I truthfully did make up up ‘destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com’. I encouraged letters to this address, and I’ve got to say I’m disappointed, kids.




So, I could punish you kids, by reposting Smokey The Big Show. Or even worse, linking you to Bacon’s column. However… I’m a sweetheart. Sue me, I’m a man of the people. Therefore, through my psyche, I’m going to be able to delve into the Depths of Warrior consciousness, and present you all with the goods.


Folks, this week,



Greetings from underneath the shiny 200X Resistol tin foil skull cap! This weekend is chock full of greatness, as I’m heading down to Texas for a fishing trip! Get it? See, they just had a hurricane. And it’s offensive. RAWR CONTROVERSY!


So my Arizona Cardinals played a game. I sat in the crowd and collected sunflower seed spittings. Them little buggers make a great vest – just as strong as Kevlar. I tell you, when the battle lines are drawn, you’re gonna see Him battling right along side the pride of America: Rush Limbaugh. How did I get on this topic? MAGIC.


Alright, so, I’ll fess up. I watch Homecoming this week. Y’know, I couldn’t help noticing in that entire little ‘legends’ segment, *I* wasn’t there. That’s cool, I mean, there was enough attraction already there what with KOKO B.WARE~!, but still. Woulda think I would be there to promote my DVD, but lo, Vince didn’t like my idea of stabbing John Cena. Apparently he didn’t think it would be plausible that Cena would get stabbed & return with no scar a few weeks later. Pity.


I picked up a copy of Mick Foley’s ‘Scooter’. I have to say, it’s really been helpful in my life. I pick it up at least once a day, and it’s a great experience. Though, I have to say, Charmin is softer.


While watching Homecoming, I had to witness the unpleasant sight of two old bags, flaunting themselves on the screen. It’s a sad sight to see them doing the same old shtick after all these years; I wish they would just leave. After all these years, I can’t believe Hogan & Piper are still around.


You know, when I saw Shawn Michaels, I wondered where I could have been if I done all that he has to change his life. I mean, he’s on his knees, calling up to a higher power, and he’s really found him in a nice & cozy spot. It’s familiar, safe, and he’ll never come down off his cloud as long as he stays there. Then I remembered – I’m not queer & I don’t give Vince McMahon constant blowjobs.


Apparently, the Austin/McMahon segment was the highest rated portion of Raw, and I have to say, I’m really shocked. I thought a sure fire hit like ROB CONWAY would just RAKE IT IN!!!


You see Vince, you can hope and prey, but you’re never going to find another Warrior.  Remember, *I* am the heir to Hogan – funny, I didn’t think he had a single hair -, and you’re just sitting at home sobbing over the way you screwed it up. YOU HAD A FRANCHISE WITH WARRIOR, AND YOU BLEW IT. But you see, you’re trying to replace me – you always have. And I can tell you one thing my friend – you’ll never find it. WARRIOR IS A STATISTICAL IMPOSSIBILITY! I mean, you’ve got parts of me, for sure. The technical skill of Chris Benoit is about on average with me. The promo skills of Ric Flair, at best, are neutral. The work rate of Kurt Angle… just about my level. But until you can pull off a Frankenstein and develop “The Olympic Nature Wolverine”, you’re failing. But gosh, does that Rob Conway ever look hot in those mesh tights.


I loved the Bischoff/Cena match. I still like to watch men wrestle who know what they are doing … rather than observing a high-wire act between two guys who seemingly feel no pain or have the skills to actually correctly apply a wrestling hold.


You know, all in all though, I liked Raw Homecoming. I thought it was very well put together, and really made sense. Everyone loved it, and the place was going crazy. It never ceases to disappoint, and it enjoys long walks on the beach. Oh wait, that’s me, ha ha.


So I hear Jim Ross is on the outs as lead announcer for Raw, along with Lawler. This only means one thing: WARRIOR BETTER GET HIS RESUME TOGETHER.


.. ha ha, but seriously, I don’t know why it’s taken Ross so long to get out, but I suppose his mouth is too lazy.


I saw Kevin Von Erich this week on Raw. When he busted out that claw, it felt like Kerry, Fritz, Mike, Chris and David were all clawing for their lives with him. It’s reasons like this why I think we have a vengeful god – I mean, of all the Von Erichs to stay alive, God picked KEVIN? That’s like a Chinese buffet only having fried rice & dead Von Erichs. Anyways, I wish Kevin the best of luck in trying to continue on his family legacy. (Here’s a hint for you if you’re reading, man – cut with the grain, not against it!)


Anyways, there’s a nation to be saved, and it looks like I’m the only one who knows how to do it. ‘Scuse me while I go unleash some clotheslines on stroke victims.





Oh man, was that ever GREAT. The adrenaline rush I get, makes ME want to rush the ring, and shake the ropes in a violent manner! I CAN FEEL MY TESTICLES SHRINKING ALREADY!!! In fact, with all these Warrior columns I’m writing, I’m starting to feel a change in my D.N.A. structure… suddenly; I have the sudden urge to hate Mexicans, praise conservatism, and be on a constant coke trip… god damn queers… I FEEL AS IF… I’M BECOMING WARRIOR MYSELF!



Or not.

White Vans And Candy: (10/03/05) by James Walker

With the sudden rush of press for Warrior, I felt compelled to write about the guy. I mean, the guy is an easy enough target as is, but when he’s a hot topic, you damn well better believe I’ll be all over him like Rob Feinstein at the Little League World Series. However… I didn’t want to write a typical ‘ha ha, warrior is stupid’ column… I want the FACTS. Using my ninja-like detective work, I weaseled my way into Warrior’s personal e-mail account, and found the following. Apparently, the former Mr. Hellwig corresponds regularly with many familiar faces, and I felt compelled to share this with the world.




From: colossus@boggoroad.au

To: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com



Aye mate! Hercules, Giant Silva & I are getting’ togetha for a wee round of go fish tonite!!! See you there?


From: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com




OMG I’m SO there. You know what would be DIVINE? NACHOS!!!! THIS SHIT IS BANANAS!!!


From: Vincent_Kennedy_McMahon@wwe.com

To: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com

Title: Lookie what I found!!!


Vince, from Connecticut


            Hey buddy! Just like to share this picture I found of you! It’s totally going on the cover of your next DVD!




Tootaloo, sweet cheeks!


From: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com

To: Vincent_Kennedy_McMahon@wwe.com

Title: re: Lookie what I found!!!


            Vincent, when will you learn? You’ve started a fire you can’t put out, boy! You’d think after all these years of abysmal business & revenues you would have learned that betraying Warrior is a recipe for disaster! BUT LO AND BEHOLD, YOUR EGO REMAINS YOUR LARGEST FLAW! What you’ve begun here is the perpetual motion machine, and sweetheart, you never have had the brakes.


            Oh, also, I don’t happen to get any royalties, do I? I mean, for god’s sake, Warrior ate a microwaved hot dog on a twinkie for dinner.




From: imgonnafuckinkillyou@hotmail.com

To: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com



            Muhfucka whut chu ain’t getting’ is this nigga right here will FUCKYOU UP. Y’see, when yo fag dancin’, rope wankin’, cum spewin’ ass be messin’ wit dis NIGGA, YOUS GOTSTA GETS CAPPED. You preachin fuckin’ republican shit but here’s the fuckin problem: NO NIGGAZ GIVE A FUCK. Yo crazy fuckin brain be messed from all that shit you jacked into yo ass, and I ain’t just talkin’ bout steroids. Tha only thing smaller than yo’ skankin’ balls be yo fuckin’ brain, asshole. NEW JACK SAY WHAT? NEW JACK SAY HE FUCK YOU UP.


From: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com

To: imgonnafuckinkillyou@hotmail.com



            … you had me at Muhfucka.




From: John_Heidenreich@directnic.com

To: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com

Title: A problem with comments


Dear ‘Warrior’,


            Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that you have made some off-collar remarks about my native Louisiana. If I may…


 I just got back from a fishing trip down around New Orleans. Fishing is exceptionally good down there right now. More in a Warrior Web Post about my politically-incorrect trip in a day or so.


                While I’d like to assume that this was a simple slip of the tongue, so to speak, I cannot assume this whilst fully comprehending your history of brashness. You see sir, in this time of disaster in America; such remarks are not only ignorant, but inexcusable. I fully understand your ‘attempt’ at humor, and beyond the fact that it was lamenting on the border of dreadfully pathetic, it was simply a poor cry for exposure.


            My point is: you are a heartless & miserable person.


From: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com

To: John_Heidenreich@directnic.com

Title: re: A problem with comments


            Aww, poor little Johnny boy is hurt by big ol mean Warrior? Does Heidy want a Kleenex? If I were you, I’d use it to wipe that face paint off, you damn pretty boy – you got nothin’. You’re just a roided up, make up wearing, talentless guy who gets shoved down the communal throats of wrestling fans. Take a lesson from a legend here: Unless you can loot some skill, you’re going to drown, just like your family.



From: vee_oneeeeeaaaah@gmail.com

To: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com

Title: :’(


            Ok… I’m in trouble here. About 8 months ago, my long term girlfriend cheated on me with my best friend. I proceeded to let the world know, resulting in my firing. Luckily enough though, this caused such a public fury that I had no choice but to be re-hired. However, now I see that it was a double cross, and now I’m being stepped on and taken advantage of even more than ever. I’m stuck in this job for the next two years… I don’t know how my credibility can survive this long! You must have some advice for me.


From: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com

To: vee_oneeeeeaaaah@gmail.com

Title: re: :’(


            Hey man. Listen here… you’ve gotta get over that. I mean, sure, the stuff is rough, but just do what I do: curl up with a good book, put on some soft jazz, and maybe some Michelina’s.


It’s tough boy, I know, but you’ll get that credibility back. Look at me now – I have a DVD, I’m a professional political speaker, and I’ve got the sweetest name in the world. So don’t worry bout it big fella… I would warn you not to commit suicide, but I know that YOU WILL NOT DIE! *hug*



From: king_of_the_slapnuts@tna.com

To: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com

Title: I’ve been thinking.


            You want a job?


From: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com

To: king_of_the_slapnuts@tna.com

Title: re: I’ve been thinking.


            Warrior works for no one. He is an entity in Himself, a cerebral being that is beyond comprehension of the human mind. For centuries, civilizations have fallen before Warrior in vain attempt to fully understand the psyche of Him. Thoughtless are these ideals, despite their valiant nature.


            In other words, $10000 a show.




From: vanillagorilla@aol.com

To: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com






From: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com

To: vanillagorilla@aol.com



I’m playing Go fish tonight with Nathan Jones, wanna join?



And there you have it, kids. You would not believe the goldmine found there… and I’m sure if you shoot him an email at destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com , Warrior WILL respond. The guy is a damn nut job, and has nothing better to do.



.. Now, if only I got this type of fan mail.














What, you haven’t left yet? God, you’re a loser. However, that also applies to Adam (or Remy, as he’s known on our amazing forums of the awesome Demented Diatribe fame & myself. Just to keep you kids entertained, here’s a wee little section of a conversation the fella and I had the other day, and who knows? We just may see more of it, if the mood strikes us.


James: http://observer.guardian.co.uk/international/story/0,6903,1577753,00.html

Adam: haha, that's a hilarious story.

James: I love the mental images provoked by it

Adam: It makes me think of the sharks with laser beams from Austin Powers.

James: Exactly

Adam: Except dolphins, which is funnier.

Adam: Just imagine them making that dolphin noise after killing someone. lol

James: Any bets how long it'll take Miami to change their football team's name?

Adam: To what? Miami KILLER dolphins?

James: a new logo is in order

Adam: It could be a new TV show: "When Dolphins Attack."

James: Suddenly, people would be clammoring to have dolphin-rich tuna

Adam: They'll need to be "thinned" out so they don't over-breed.

Adam: And people will get pissed when they try to reintroduce them to Yellowstone.

James: thinned out over a piece of toasted rye...

James: god, we're trading dolphin jokes.

Adam: I know. Isn't that awesome?

James: It is

James: What subject can't be funny?

Adam: No wonder chicks dig us.

James: ohhhh yeeeeeaah

Adam: Plus, we're big time internet writers.

James: BIG time

James: I mean, we get a piece of fan mail occasionally!


Adam: Yeah. It's usually from one another, BUT STILL.

James: FO SHO





James: (if you can figure out what that means, you're the winner of life)

Adam: Jesus

Adam: Yeah, nope.

Adam: I fail at teh life.

James: "When I wake up, well you know I'm gonna be..."

Adam: I'm gonna be the man who comes right home to you

Adam: And I would five hundred miles, and I would walk five hundred more, just to be the man who walked a thousand miles to fall down at your door.

James: I think the last time I heard that song, I was at a bar and then I proceeded to make out with a girl afterwards (Y)

Adam: You've made out with a girl? Holy shit.

James: I know... but don't tell anyone else. I'd get banned from the IWC.

Adam: lol, fucking IWC.

James: I hate em

James: I hate that I'm a part of it

James: I feel like the dude in 1984

Adam: I dunno, you should have to sign up to be part of the IWC or something.


White Vans And Candy: (09/26/05) by James Walker

Ok kids. I could bust out my typical introduction, lamenting about how vital and monumental the following column is, but frankly, this one has no direction. In fact, all I’ll be doing is throwing up random wrestling shit I come up with in my head and hope it sticks. Normally I’m pretty good about having one general idea, and having a few HILARIOUS examples of such, but this time, it’s not gonna happen. Therefor, I’m calling it…





Paul London: The Saddest Chef


What is Paul London’s character? Has creative *ever* given him something to work with? I don’t know, but I’m a positive guy, so I’m going to give him something to work with. Paul, if you’re reading, go back to ROH. Oh, and also, change your gimmick to the following.


You see Pauly, we all know you’re emo. It’s all in your hair, sadly. That just screams AFI, I’m sorry. However, being emo is too common nowadays – god knows we can’t have generic wrestlers running around, Orlando Jordan! So, to make you super over, I suggest you become an EMO CHEF. It will be, pardon the pun, your bread and butter! Oh ho ho, that was clever.


You heard me right. A chef gimmick is rarely used in wrestling, but imagine a deep, brooding chef? ‘QUOTH THE PHEASANT: 45 MINUTES AT 500 DEGREES’ will be HUGE! You could bust out some wicked Deep Fried Angst Armdrags! You can lose matches via countout, when you blog about how the crowd noise made your soufflé fall!


However, to introduce this character, you’ll need some vignettes. I have one in my already boy, and it’s a doozy. Imagine you, working in a Chinese restaurant. It’s late, you’re working by yourself. You’re sad because you’re mopey – either that or your iPod fucked up and you lost all your Billy Talent. Either way, you’re frying something up in a wok, with your tears splattering into the pan, creating steam. The camera zooms in close to you, and through the steam, you poke your head out… then you utter the newly famous words into the camera… “I wok alone, I wok alone”



Don West: Life outside of TNA


I might not be the biggest TNA buff on the net, but I appreciate a good commentator more than Michael Cole appreciates Tazz for carrying the team. And this love for announcing duties has led me to Don West: The coolest man alive. The guy honestly makes me smile – he’s like a rainbow in the dark world of wrestling. To me, he’s like a cross between Tony Schiavone & and an orgasm. He just loves EVERYTHING so much, it makes it impossible to hate what you’re watching. I swear, if he was narrating Schindler’s List, I’d probably be liable to scream “WE’RE GOING STREAKING!!!” in the ‘shower’ scenes.


Anywho, then I started to wonder… what is Don West like outside of the TNA announce booth? I decided he’s too good at being the happy-go-lucky uncle for it to be a gimmick, so then I wondered what daily situations he gets involved with. I think they would go something like this.


*Don pulls up to a Wendy’s drive-thru window in his El Camino. As a polite gesture, he honks his horn, which plays La Cucaracha*




Attendant: Er, hello, welcome to Wendy’s, can I take your order?




Attendant: Uhh.. thank you?




Attendant: If I could take your order sir…


Don: Of course! I’d like nothing more than to see A combo #4 with coke meet my mouth, creating the best IMPACT IN HISTORY!


Attendant: .. Alright then… would you like to biggie size that?




Attendant: .. so you would?




Attendant: I’ll just say no. Please drive through!




Attendant: Uhh… here’s your food, sir. That’ll be $7.00.




*Don hands over $10*




*The Attendant starts handing back the change*






The following section has so few jokes, I won’t waste them on the title.


Paul Wight has been in the WWE for quite some time, enough for his gimmick to get old & tired. Frankly, there’s little more they can do with the guy, and I wouldn’t put it past them to give the big fella something new to work with. With the continually trying to gain positive press and a confusing sudden dis-interest in controversy, I’ve devised our former Captain Insano to be repackaged as Smokey The Big Show: Fire Prevention Hero.


You see, this idea not only helps Big Show, but it helps other floundering jobber to the stars. Over the years, Big Show & Kane have feuded because they can. There might have been a reason, like, ‘RAWR CHOKESLAM!!!’, but now, imagine the possibilities! Big Show has had ENOUGH of Kane’s flaming entrance (note: a feud with The Hearthrobs would only be natural, too) and SERVES UP JUSTICE WITH A FIRE HYDRANT AND A PURPOSE!


Over the course of time, Kane will smarten up to the ways of safety, and these two fellas can make a tag team. I can see it now… on the night of their eventual title shot, I can picture Big Show talking to Kane… “Only YOU can prevent my pinfalls.”














Alright folks. I’d like to take a minute here, and talk to you outside of the whole, ‘White Vans & Candy’ shtick. You see, the little section that you just read above, well, it was bad. Very bad. And you see, it was much funnier in my head. But I don’t think a lot of you realize how much pressure gets put on us to come up with brilliant columns every week. I mean, you should see the scars Sean has laced into me. Maybe I’m just struggling to the point where the most retarded stuff passes through my hula hoop-like filter of standards. In the case above, I tried. I honestly did. However, the inevitable happened: It sucked. Therefor, please, take this with a grain of salt. Look back on my archives, relive some cripple jokes, and hopefully then you’ll realize it was just a blip on the radar screen. Believe me, I’m sorry. I mean, honestly, what was I thinking?


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).