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White Vans And Candy: (01/23/06) by James Walker
December 05, 2005
December 12, 2005
December 19, 2005
Enter Stinger
– Steve Borden
Say your prayers, little one
Don’t forget, you’re done
Was the spotlight
fun?
Bring you in, Push begins
And you’ll get your pins
Till the Stinger he comes
Thought you were
chosen
Gripping your spot so tight
Exit Vince
Enter Scott
Take my fans
I never even had a chance
Jeff
retains, shut the light
The symbol is quite a sight
Raven’s high as a kite
Dreams of Joe, dreams of Jay
Dreams
of Daniels’ fights
Not of things that will bite
Thought you were chosen
Gripping your spot so tight
Exit
Vince
Enter Scott
No set plans
Orlando fans be damned
Now I lay you down to tap
Pray you don’t job
to Irish Pat
If I walk and you’re still on fire
I guess I’ll have to be rehired
Hush little Christian,
don’t say a word
Why not form a tag team, it’s not absurd
Why not the man-beast, he’s your friend
He
has met the very same end
Exit Vince
Enter Scott
Siaki gets canned
Exit Vince
Enter Scott
Take my fans
I
never even have a chance
Closer – Pat Patterson
You
let me violate you, you let me desecrate you
You let me penetrate you, you let me complicate you
Help you? If I pushed you, I’d go to hell
Help you? the only way you draw some heat
Is
when you’re from land of people who smell
I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I
want to fuck you like an animal
Your whole persona is flawed
But, you get me closer to god
You can see my perspiration,
You can see how I worked on your thing
Can’t you give me a title,
And see the success that it’ll bring?
Whether I’m an French blowhard,
Or a fashion guru right out of Milan
Help me become a star,
Why don’t
you love me, it’s me, Sylvan!
I want to fuck you like an animal
I want to feel you from the inside
I want
to fuck you like an animal
Your whole career is flawed
But, you get me closer to god
Through every failed mid
card push
I end up right back here on your tush
But don’t worry, you’ll get a push to the moon
Cause
I hear Benoit is leaving soon.
I wanna Be Sedated –
Eugene Ramone
Twenty-twenty-twenty four pills to go
I wanna be sedated
Nothing to do no job to do
I
wanna be sedated
Just get me to the hotel and put me in my room
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can’t
control twitches
And I’m not supposed to have a brain
oh no oh ho
Just put me in rehab and get me off these
somas
Hurry hurry hurry before I get demoted
And sent to Sunday heat
I can’t feel my toes
oh no oh ho
The Camel Clutch – Khorsrow Daivari
Bet, baby, bet,
baby Lex is in debt but me
and you do the kind of stuff that only Osama would preach about
So put your hands around
my neck and lock in the Camel Clutch
Yes, I'm Khorsrow, yes you’re Muhammad and we’re getting a little fucked
They
had enough of you and us, they want it ‘versial, but not too much
They want to us smothered, want you covered, was
the G.A.B. enough?
Fired quicker like a bum on liquor, kick us to the curb why now don’tcha?
But now with Kurt
I rock the AYAAALEEIALLIELLALLELAAAA
(lock it in now)
You and me baby ain't nothin' but camels
So let's get
treated like they do on Military Command Channels
(off to California)
You and me baby ain't nothin' but camels
So
let's get treated like they do on Military Command Channels
(gettin' traded now)
Rub, it’s the type of thing
Taker would never give up
Like One Night in Chyna, only god knows why he loved it
Grade-A Promos? We ain’t homos,
but I wish you were back with me
But you think acting, not wrestling, will get you bling-bling, do you Mark Copani?
So
without trial, sent to Ohio, back with a new man but doin’ the same old shtick
But at least I’m not paired
with Murdoch and told to be a hick
I’m not kidding, a reunion would be fitting, cause we match up in styles
But
in the land of Flair flops, not ROHbots, cause they’re run by pedophiles
Sunday, Fucking Sunday – U(bought it)2?
I can’t believe the news today
Oh, I could
close my credit card and make it go away
How long...
How long can this sham go on?
How long? how long...
’cause
tonight...we order another one
Tonight...
Winning at Backlash won’t get you heat
A victory at No Mercy
won’t make you elite
I ask, can you trim from fourteen a year?
It’d put my check book
Put my check book
in the clear
Sunday, fucking sunday
Sunday, fucking sunday
Sunday, fucking sunday
(allright order it!)
And
the evening’s just begun
I’m already bored, do you want some rum?
Buyrates were once off the charts
Instead
of Taboo Tuesday, I’d rather play darts
Sunday, fucking sunday
Sunday, fucking sunday
How long...
How
long will they insist a 0.50 is strong?
How long? how long...
’cause tonight...we ordered another one
Tonight...
Tonight...
Swipe the cash from your bank
Swipe your rent away
Swipe your bills away
I swipe Christmas
away
(sunday, fucking sunday)
I swipe your student loan away
(sunday, fucking sunday)
And it’s true
we are upset
When main event blow-offs are on free TV
And today the millions cry
Cena retains once again, this push
just won’t die
The real battle yet begun (sunday, fucking sunday)
Next year, sixteen sundays of fun (sunday,
fucking sunday)
On...
Sunday fucking sunday
Sunday fucking sunday...
‘Mmm mmm mmm mmm’ – Crash, Test, and the Bushwhackers
Once there was this kid
who
Got a torn quad and couldn’t wrestle quite the same
But when he finally came back
He buried everyone with
an inkling of talent
He said that it was because
They could never draw crowds
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm
Once there was this girl who
Wouldn't go on TV just because her dad was
But when they finally made her
She
got implants into here body
She couldn't quite explain it
They'd never just been there
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm
But both girl and boy were glad
'Cause one kid had it worse than that
'Cause then there was this
boy whose
Girlfriend cheated on him while he was injured
And when he finally came back
Fans stopped caring about
his matched
He couldn't quite explain it
They’d always just cheered him
Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm Mmm Mmm
Mmm
WOW! I remember the days when the only wrestling CDs you could buy were Koko B.Ware preachin’ the
truth about the biz. Well, I only got one question for that guy… What do you think of THIS wrestling album, Leeman?!
The scene
was a familiar one. A gloomy office, with rain splattering on the window like a blind photograph, light that can barely be defined as such, and a man in his chair. Hard at work, Detective Vince McMahon
was immersed in paperwork. Despite his nearing 25 years of service to the department, they still wouldn’t give him a
secretary that he desperately needed. Lately, the burden had been heavier than normal. With a slew of rapists, thieves, and
con men on the loose, the case he was sweating over now stuck out somehow.
The
body was of Rob Szatkowski, a 34 year old wrestler. While not overpoweringly popular, the murder of Rob Van Dam, as he was
known, attracted media attention and the pressure was on from management to get this solved. McMahon had visited the crime
scene earlier that day. Rob had been very popular with many, and many said he was on the cusp of being a major star in the
business. It was a gruesome death as much as it was tragic – the murderer had tied Rob’s feet to a set of encyclopaedias,
and drowned him in
After
two hours of overtime, Vince decided to call it a night and headed home. The drive seemed to breeze by; this was often the
case when he had a case like this. Tired and beat down, Vince strolled into his lavish home and put his work to the side.
His wife welcomed him upon arrival, and asked how his day went.
“Some
sick bastard is on the loose again. We found a recent body in the river, and it’s pretty messed up.”
His
wife, Linda, was his muse. He found it often helpful to talk about cases to her – while she never directly helped; her
indirect psychological help was a necessity.
“Vince…
why do you do this to yourself? We’re set for money, the kids are out of the house, and all this work is mentally &
physically driving you into the ground.” Linda replied.
This
was unexpected. Normally, Linda full supported his work, always there to listen. Vince smiled at her and said she was probably
right, but all he needed now was rest. However, recently she had reason to worry. Vince was not only a detective – he
had made some wise investments early in his career, and his family controlled many businesses. He left their children, Shane
and Stephanie, to handle these corporations. Shane preferred to stay out of the limelight, opting for board meetings and the
sort. Vince admired this.
Stephanie,
o the other hand, was a different case. Stephanie wanted to be famous, so she took control of Vince’s share in a wrestling
company. What began as a minority partnership, Stephanie had invested all her savings into the company as well – and
was now the majority owner. She began to put herself on TV, making herself a star. While Vince knew little about wrestling,
he knew a lot about Stephanie. He knew Stephanie didn’t really care much for the business or her employees, but he still
decided to give her a call about the murder of Rob Van Dam.
“Daddy!
I’m so glad to hear from you!”
“Hi
honey. How are things?”
“I’ve
been really sick... waking up in the morning, I can’t seem to hold down anything.”
Hunter
was Stephanie’s husband. He was a very popular wrestler, but Vince suspected he had ulterior motives for marrying her.
However, over time, he’d given Vince no reason to think any different, so Vince chalked it up to suspicion.
“I’m
sorry to hear that, honey. Listen, have you heard about the murder of Rob Van Dam?”
“Oh
yes, that. I never knew the guy well, but a lot of the guys are upset about it.”
“It’s
pretty horrific. I’ve been assigned the case.”
“*garble*”
“Steph?”
“Mmmph,
fph!!!”
“STEPH!
ARE YOU OK!!?!?!”
“*gasp*”
“Don’t
move honey, I’m coming right over!”
“Mmm..
butter tart.”
“…
ah. Anyways dear, I’m tired. Talk to you soon.”
“Bye
dad.”
That
night, Vince lay in bed, wide awake. Tossing and turning, he couldn’t sleep. When his pager went off, it was almost
a blessing, his insomnia was justified. He called in the station, and Vince sank. Another wrestler, Adam Copeland, had been
murdered in a similar manner.
The
scene was a lavish hotel room. Adam, or ‘Edge’ as he was known, was spread eagled on the bed, face down, bound
and gagged. His rear was home to severe trauma, where he had clearly been repeatedly bludgeoned, prodded, and dismantled with
a large ancient spear. There was a severe contusion on his head, and near by say a dented briefcase. On his back, a large
‘II’ had been carved, and above the headboard, the word ‘Lust’ had been smeared in blood.
Vince
now understood that these murders were far more in depth than he previously imagined. The Roman numerals were a clear sign
of more to come, and with the symbolistic murders, combined with the words strewn about; it was obvious that these murders
had some sort of meaning. Disturbingly, Vince felt as if there was more to this puzzle.
While
he wasn’t in a good mood, the following morning Vince was definitely optimistic. It seems that Adam Copeland recently
had a falling out with his former best friend, Matt Hardy, after Adam stole Matt’s long-time girlfriend. This situation
gained much publicity in wrestling circles, and many threats were issued by Mr. Hardy. This seemed rather open and shut, though,
no one could think of any motive he would have had for Rob Van Damn. Either way, Vince was getting suited up to leave for
Mr. Hardy’s house so, where-in they’d bring him in for questioning.
With
3 other fellow officers, Vince arrived at Matt’s house. There was a car in the driveway, but there was no answer at
the door. Vince knocked again, but nothing. Having enough of this situation, he ordered for the door to be broken down. Vince and his men peered about the house, looking for Matt or any signs of escape…
until he heard one of the newer men call from the basement.
“Boss,
you better come and see this.” said Officer Traylor.
The
scene was not what Vince had expected, and certainly not what he had hoped. Matt’s neck had been spun 180 degrees. He
was sitting in an office chair, and his cold dead fingers lay on the key board… his left hand on the ‘W’,
‘R’, ‘A’, ‘T’, ‘H’ keys, and his right hand making a ‘V1’ sign.
On the monitor, there lay an open Word document, where the words ‘Apparently, I WILL die.’ were typed, over and
over.
Vince
ordered the Officer Rougeau to get the coroner on the site, and Vince headed back to his office. So much for that suspect.
Sitting
down at his desk, Vince struggled. Envy, Lust, Wrath. However… the latest murder didn’t have the tell-tale Roman
numeral. An impostor perhaps, trying to pass of their work as someone else’s? Positioning his hand like Matt’s,
it hit him – a double entendre. The V1 symbol had 3 fingers held up… III. Vince thought back to his church days,
with Reverend D-von.
There
are Seven Deadly Sins. Envy, Lust, Wrath, Sloth, Gluttony, Greed, and Pride.
The
look that came over Vince was one of disgust. The shocking reality hit him – 3 wrestlers down, 4 to go.
That
night, Vince sparred no time phoning his daughter. The target group was obvious, and he had to do all he could prevent any
further altercations.
“Hey
Steph.”
“Oh
daddy, I’m so glad you’ve called. Things have turned really ugly around here.”
“I
know honey. Listen, it’s imperative you keep all your men under heavy surveillance for the next while. I need you to
step up the security.”
“Already
done dad. …”
“What’s
wrong honey?”
“I
was wondering if you could… come to the arena this Sunday. It’s Wrestlemania, and I think not only all the guys,
but I would benefit knowing that we have an officer on the case there with us.”
“I’ll
do what I can, dear.”
“Thanks
dad. … Hope to see you soon.”
Vince
got his clearance, explaining to his superiors that if anyone is in jeopardy, its Steph’s men. Arriving at the arena,
he looked high and low for his daughter, but she was nowhere to be found. While searching, he stumbled into Hunter.
“Oh,
hi Hunter. Listen, have you seen Steph?”
“Oh,
she got pretty sick last night, something about something she ate. She’s back at the hotel if you want to give her a
call.”
“No,
she’ll be ok.”
“What
are you doing here anyways? I thought you were busy with the murders & all.”
“Yeah,
Steph and I figure if anything is going to happen tonight, it’ll be here. Plus, with the increased security, one more
couldn’t hurt.”
“Heh,
good point. I’ve gotta go ready, but hey – after the night is done, we should go get Steph and have a bite to
eat. Why don’t we meet up at the hotel after the show?”
“Sounds
good Hunter. See you later.”
Hunter
was wrestling in the main event that night, against a guy by the name of John Cena, for the Heavyweight Championship. Vince
didn’t really appreciate the fact that Hunter abused his power to get to the top, but hey, he delivered relatively well
so Vince never made a fuss. The evening was enjoyable, and despite her absence, Vince was proud of his daughter.
Vince
sat back and watched the main event. The crowd seemed enjoyed by it, and for a brief moment in time, Vince wasn’t thinking
about the case… but and he simply cracked a smile. This was a rare sight to behold.
The
match was just about done. John Cena hit his signature move, but Hunter kicked out. John Cena looked confused, and Hunter
immediately recovered... and landed a stiff looking punch. Hunter went under the ring, and obtained a sledgehammer –
a common tool of his. From there, the referee got in an argument with him – and Hunter blasted the referee. John Cena
slowly stood up, and Hunter blasted Cena across the side of the head. The fans were in disbelief. Hunter then grabbed Cena’s
lifeless body... and... began to dig into his eyes.
It
was here officials began to run to the ring, sighting a problem. Vince then saw Hunter… slowly, but brutally take the
eyes out of Cena’s skull, and forcefully jam them down his throat. This was not wrestling. This was murder.
Vince
rushed to the ring, and security was following. When he got there, Hunter was rushing out of the ring, and through the crowd.
Vince walked over to the body of John Cena… and saw the word “SLOTH” written on the canvas. In the corner
of his eye, Vince could have sworn Hunter put up the old Four Horsemen sign.
Vince
rushed back in the back. Immediately, his cell phone rang.
“Hey
there, dad.”
“Hunter,
you son of a bitch, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”
“I’ll
explain later. Listen, dinner isn’t off now, is it?”
“Where
ever you’re going, I’m going.”
“Great.
See you there!”
“Hunter,
I swear to…”
Hunter
had hung up. Vince summoned his officers to follow him on route to the hotel. Vince couldn’t believe he had trusted
Hunter. His thoughts immediately focused in on his daughter – he had to get there before Hunter did.
Vince
stormed into the hotel, and quickly ran into Stephanie’s room. As Vince slowly peered in, he waved in fellow officers.
They stormed ahead, with Vince a few paces behind. Immediately, they caught sight of a ghastly scene on the bed, and they
screamed for Detective McMahon.
Vince
rushed to the bed, but before he could get started, he felt a familiar hand grasped him from behind. Hunter arrived before
they did.
“Don’t.
Move. A Muscle.”
An
officer looked behind him, and saw the scene. They cocked their guns, and pointed them at Hunter. Hunter acted immediately.
“If
your men do not stand down, I promise you Vince, you’ll never see your daughter again.”
Vince
signalled for the men to stand down.
“Now…
I’m sure you’re wondering what this is all about” Hunter arrogantly exhausted.
“The
Seven Deadly Sins, you’ve heard of them, correct? Let’s see here. Envy! Envy resents the good others receive or
even might receive! Rob Van Dam was famous for envying others! He would go on radio programs and talk about his lack of a
push! He exposed the business all out of spite!”
“Why
encyclopaedias?” Vince said, seething as he reached for his gun.
Hunter
took his gun and shot at Vince’s hand, and he let out a cry of pain. “Well… people did always talk about
his educated feet. I figured I’d help him along.”
“LUST!”
Hunter began. “Self control and self mastery prevent pleasure from killing the soul by suffocation. Legitimate pleasures
are controlled in the same way an athlete's muscles are: for maximum efficiency without damage. Lust is the self-destructive
drive for pleasure out of proportion to its worth. Days before last Wrestlemania, it came out that he had an affair with a
female wrestler on the roster. This was simply just another nail in the coffin of wrestling! And I presume you’re wondering
about his death, too. Well… let’s just say, he finally felt what a real spear was like.”
Vince
winced at his pain, while the other officers waited for his order.
“Vince,
I’m going to have to demand that these officers dispose of their guns.”
“Why
the hell should I do that?”
“If
you don’t, I kill you and your daughter. I promise you, you’ll see your daughter if you get these men out of here.”
“Fine.”
The
men unwillingly complied.
“WRATH!
I could have gone the simple route here and murdered Bryan Clark, but that just wouldn’t make sense now. Kindness means
taking the tender approach, with patience and compassion. Anger is often our first reaction to the problems of others. Matt
Hardy showed this to us, when let out his personal life to the public, for everyone to see. Airing his dirty laundry out,
he sought revenge upon Adam, and didn’t think about the consequences! But what an ironic ‘twist of fate’
he felt… more specifically, his neck.”
Vince
managed to get some words in. “You’re not a servant of god here, Hunter. You’re a murder, and by no means
are you doing this world a service.”
“If
only you could see the perfection… something John Cena certainly can’t do now. SLOTH! You see, Cena broke into
this business young and willing to learn. But somewhere down the line, he realised he was going to be a star no matter what
– he didn’t need to get better. The other sins work together to deaden the spiritual senses so we first become
slow to respond to God and then drift completely into the sleep of complacency. John Cena drifted into complacency by allowing
himself to remain mediocre, to never develop new material! I gauged his eyes out and jammed them down his throat, because
he’s been jammed down the throats of everyone. Rather hilarious that he can’t see us now, isn’t it?”
“That’s
only 4 Hunter. You’re nowhere near completion.”
“Oh
really? Take a walk with me.”
Hunter
pointed a gun to Vince’s head, and led him into the bedroom. What lay before him was the most gruesome thing he could
imagine. There, in front of him, lay a body of a woman... her gut sliced open, and food jammed in it. The word ‘GLUTTONY’
had been written in mayonnaise on the floor. Then it hit him. This was his daughter.
Vince
reacted on instinct. In one swift motion, he knocked Hunter’s gun out of his hand, and broke his arm. Vince grabbed
the gun and pointed it to his head.
“You
son of a bitch, what the hell is this? This isn’t a game!”
“I
beg to differ. It’s all about the game, and how you play it.”
“Well
I’ve got the control, can you take it?”
“Stephanie
is guilty of Gluttony. When I met her, she was petite, charming, and beautiful. But then she let herself go. I would not tolerate
this, she’d ruined my reputation!”
“So
you kill your wife because she gained a few pounds?!”
“I
killed my wife because temperance accepts the natural limits of pleasures and preserves this natural balance. This does not
pertain only to food, but to entertainment and other legitimate goods, and even the company of others. She craved not only
sweets, but the global media attention of the wrestling business! You know this to be true, McMahon!”
“Tell
me why I shouldn’t put this bullet in you head right now Hunter! Give me one good reason!”
“I
will not do that Vince… for I am guilty of a sin too. Rob Van Dam, Edge, Matt Hardy, John Cena… every one of those
wrestlers stood in my way. I could not have their popularity overwhelm mine! By eliminating my competition, I guaranteed my
position.”
“What
about Stephanie! She’s no wrestler!”
“This
is more than about fame, this is power! The one person who had more control than me in the company was her! Sure, I was her
husband, but everything had to go through her. I’m the brains of this business!”
“You’re
missing one. Pride.”
“That’s
where you come in, McMahon. You see… you’re in a tough spot here, aren’t you? Kill me in your daughter’s
honor. But you can’t, and you know it. I am guilty of these murders, but I have not been put to trial. Murder me here,
in cold blood, and you’re done for. These officers are my witnesses; this security tape is my witness. You’ll
be tried for murder, and you’ll be found just as guilty as I. But, if you don’t kill me, you’ll never live
it down.”
“You’ll
be found guilty, you damn well know it. You’re as good as dead.”
“Maybe
so, but you won’t rest until I am. You’ve got the chance now, why don’t you take it? Put a bullet in my
head, I can’t tell you not to! Just like Stephanie couldn’t tell you that she was pregnant with our child.”
Vince
stopped.
“You…
you killed an innocent child. You killed MY innocent grandchild!”
“I
couldn’t have another McMahon around, messing things …”
Vince put a bullet in his head.
November 07, 2005
November 16, 2005
November 21, 2005
November
28, 2005
White Vans And Candy: (11/28/05) by James Walker
Sharmell Sullivan. It’s a name
that echoes through the course of time; a legend, a myth, a hero. While few people can claim they know Sharmell, we all feel as if we are a part of Sharmell’s life. Part of that may be the giant 80 foot statues of
the fair lady on every street corner until
Sharmell was born in 32 B.C., to mother (Mary) and father (Joseph). Even from birth, her life was filled with controversy. See, Joseph knew the he wasn’t the father – this much was obvious just by looking at the colour of Sharmell’s skin. Mary claimed God himself had planted his child within Mary, but Joseph wasn’t fooled – God wasn’t black! So, they tossed Sharmell in a dumpster, and left here there to die. If it hadn’t been for the family of raccoons rummaging through the trash that nursed her back to health, we may never have been given the joy which is known as ‘The Sharmell’.
Life as a raccoon thug was tough, but Sharmell was a natural. The streets are hard life, especially when you’re obviously not a raccoon. However, Sharmell learned some valuable lessons in her youth – what doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger. (Except leprosy, that’s hell.) The harvest wasn’t so good one season, and things were looking grim. However, Sharmell came through for everyone, and she ate the raccoons. Did I say everyone? I meant Sharmell.
As the years passed, Sharmell became
more and more distraught on how the world was being run, and started to turn her frustrations into vandalism. Her acts were
generally harmless – a little sacred cow tipping here, a little chisel graffiti there – but all can be considered
peanuts to the disaster in 64 A.D. See, Sharmell, upset with the way
In
Time wore on, and civilization progressed.
Sharmell reformed from her angry ways, and used her unabashed enthusiasm towards science. In the early 1500’s, she was
working on a way mass publicize scrolls & texts without scribes. She and then-fling Booker Gutenberg invented the ‘Sharmell-a-nator
4000’, and printed 20000 copies of her first book, “The Chronicles of Sharmell”. However, upon celebration,
Gutenberg knocked her unconscious, sent her to
Entering
Upon arriving in
Sharmell decided to roam the earth for
a while, visiting such lands as
Soon there-after, Sharmell returned to
A few years later, Sharmell decided to start a music career. She found a group of respectable gentlemen, and one hit single later, ‘The Baha Men’ were on top of the world. To this day, they continue to produce the most complex and glorious music known to mankind. Known world wide as ‘Modern Day Mozart’, their works such as ‘Who Let The Dogs Out’, and ‘Seriously, Who Let The Damn Dogs Out’ have become international anthems.
This entire history up until this point is virtually meaningless compared to her presidency victory in 2008. Despite the impossibility, Sharmell gained 140% of the popular vote. After conquering Mars, Sharmell also proved that men are indeed NOT from there, and is now currently working on disproving the myth about women. There are also rumours that Sharmell wishes to bring back the dinosaurs, for she claims that ‘the dinosaurs were so much cooler than all of you.’ No denying that.
And so concludes our tale of the modern goddess. What the future holds for Sharmell is uncertain, but what is certain is that she’ll be making history where ever she goes. She is a creature of unimaginable strength, will, and might. She’ll also be stomping on your souls, just because she can.
Wrestlers come and go. They’re on our TV for a few years, then they drug themselves
up/murder their girlfriends/disrespect the entire business, and they’re gone. Gone from the TV, but not our hearts.
What happens to our favourite useless jobber after he’s fired? Did The Berzerker go back to raping and pillaging villages
in the
This week…
WHITE VANS & CANDY PRESENTS:
Where are they now? ... IV!
Slick
The Jive Soul Bro himself is a man of destiny. That destiny? To be unemployed. However,
things were not always this way for Slick. The chicken eatin’, toe-steppin, lady lovin’ manager was a sure fire
hit in the late 80’s until.. umm… he kinda sorta was a reverend and his character was the exact opposite of his
real life. Either way, he eventually came back to the WWF as a face manager for Kamala, under the name of Reverend Slick,
but somehow the wrestling mantra of ‘Religious angles ALWAYS go over’ failed. (See: Reverend D-von)
So what has our guy been up to of late? Well, believe it or not, Slick is now a legitimate
Satanist! In a immense SWERVE, Slick was conning us all, and he’s turned heel on GOD. Slick and God feuded for a while,
but people though it was a little racist.. all powerful white man beating up an obeying black man… so the angle was
canned, and Slick feuded with John. Unfortunately, feuding with a disciple is a career suicide of sorts in religious circles.
Slick outta luck.
Kronik
OMG U SAID KRONIK. Yes yes, retarded shock value at it’s best here folks –
a team composed of two hoss’ straight out of early-mid nineties mid-cards stiffing victims, all to the tunes of Bob
Marley. Ok so maybe the Chronic thing had little to do with Kronic… doesn’t mean I can’t take pot shots at it. Ha ha. Anywho, they dominated late WCW tag team ranks until the Invasion came… and after
one PPV match against Kane & Undertaker, they were cut loose.
However, things have turned dire for these two. They’ve resorted a life of misery,
of unimaginable pain. Yes… Kronik have joined.. THE CIRCUS. These two, when not operating the tilt-a-whirl, are on display
as ‘What happens when Siamese Twin separation goes wrong.’
Perry Saturn
Where or where do we begin? From legit ECW ass kicker, to respectable WCW mid-carder, all
the way down to disappointing WWE jobber, Perry’s covered a lot of ground in his career. Career highlights include shooting
on a jobber, then befriending a mop. Sounds good to me.
So how’s our lovable concussion victim doing? Hell if I know. I just wanted to point
out he had a valet named Moppy. I mean, really, how do they expect THIS to get over?
Yuji Nagata
Some wrestling fans know Yuji Nagata as yet another Japanese strong style god-among-men,
but most people in
Anywho, what’s the little bugger up to nowadays? Well, following in the steps of Chyna,
Sean Waltman, and.. uh… X-Pac… Yugi
Nagata has turned to the porn industry. This is an impressive feat, for Japanese men
aren’t really well known for their.. ahem.. stature… in the industry. Either way, he had a break out performance,
and it translated to multiple… contracts. His first film was a smash hit
in
Tim White
Man, was this guy ever a kick ass referee. He’s chubby, got a beard, probably danced
with Godfather’s hoes, and in the coolest moment ever, he got brutally injured. A few years back, Triple H & Jericho
had this nifty little Hell in a Cell Match, which not only saw
The thing that’s interesting about this, is it ended his entire career as a referee.
One could say that Tim White got D-lowned. This put Timmy white in a difficult position… and seeing as he was useless
to the WWE, he was canned. So where has Tim White ended up? Well, it shouldn’t come to a shock to many people…
Tim White returned to his old job. See, he came to the WWE from
Before:
Now:
Matt Morgan
He’s big, he’s strong, and now he’s also out of a job. But this was not
always the way for Matt Morgan. See, He tried out for tough enough… and got cut. He came to the WWE.. and then got send
down to OVW. Got brought up again... and then got fired. It’s a great little cycle they’ve got going on. Anywho,
the closest thing semblance of a character this guy ever saw was a stuttering role – quite fitting, considering that’s
all his career has ever done.
So what is ol’ false start up to today? You wouldn’t believe it, but I ran
into Matt Morgan the other day, as I was strolling through the park looking for corpses to make love to. You know those statue
guys that stand there until you toss em a quarter, where they proceed to make a sudden movement and scare the surrounding
children? Yeah, Matt Morgan stole his money.
Nathan Jones
From one geriatric hoss to another! However, unlike Morgan, Nathan Jones really had a legit
shot at stardom. The guy had some great pre-debut vignettes, an immediate alliance with the Undertaker, a win over Chris Benoit,
and STILL couldn’t get more heat than Sub-Zero. Anyways, the as the guy proceeded to lactate his way out of the arena,
he vowed he’d get famous some. AND HAS HE EVER!
Nathan Jones, believe it or not, is now an astronaut. Saturday Night Live has done documentaries
on his space adventures, and even had a nifty little theme song! In case you’re lazy, here’s
the lyrical transcription:
Rocket.
I'm taking a rocket.
I'm packing
my suitcase.
Hey, look out, Moon!
Yeah, a rocket
into outer space.
Good-bye, human race.
I'll be there
soon.
Blast off!
For fun and adventure.
Yes, I said adventure
collecting stones.
Yeah, it's my way,
on
the old space highway.
That's why they all say,
"There goes Astronaut Jones!"
Hey!
However,
while Nathan believes he’s exploring the far nexus of the universe, truthfully, the IWC just wanted to get rid of the
bastard.
Art Barr
I’m pretty certain he’s been reunited with a dear friend of his.
Alright folks, that’s all you get for this edition of Where Are They Now? Don’t forget to tune in next time, where I continue the defamation of the unemployed. Hobos are funny.
White Vans And Candy: (11/16/05) by James Walker
(Note: We’re all sad as hell about Eddie Guerrero’s passing. There’s no way I could do him justice, so all I’m going to say is he will be missed. Thanks for the memories, homes.)
I’ve come to a realization. This might come to a shock to all of you, but sometimes, I have ideas that never come to fruition. Sometimes, I just can’t think of a way to work an idea into a column, and I write little pieces which I promise myself I’ll come back to, yet never do. I’ve got a fair amount of these, and today you kids get a glorious CLIP SHOW.
This week,
WHITE VANS AND CANDY PRESENTS: NEVER BEFORE SEEN FOOTAGE
In the following installment, I decided to write drunk. The results? Poor. But still, look, I make fun of stuff!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Alright kiddies, it’s time for a WVAC experiment. See, I’m drunk right now. It’s also going to get worse. Now, while I’ve been drunk/drinking while I write before, I never wrote a column BECAUSE I’m drunk. So, you’re gonna get my drunken ramblings. (By the way, I’m making so many typos right now. I think I’m gonna cozy up to my dear friend, the backspace key. –Hey buddy, how ya doin’? Oh yeah? Good? How’s the wife & kids? WHAT? THE PLUS KEY CHEATED ON YOU WITH THE NEGATIVE KEY? BUT THEY’RE SO DIFFERENT!) Ok, ok, here we go.
This week, White Vans And Candy Presents… *burp*: DRUNKEN RAMBLINGS.
I have a confession to make. Seeing as I’m a HUGE IWC SUPERSTAR, this might be a shock… but folks, I haven’t watched wrestling in months. Now, the easy reason is because I share a TV with 25 other people. But honestly, back in the day, I would have murdered them all just to see Val Venis’ entrance. So what’s my deal?
I dunno. I’m not growing up, because right now I’m listening to Milli Vanilli. And girl… you know wrestling is still cool.
What I think it is, is I’ve become clairvoyant. See, I can predict raw & smackdown to a tee every week. I know, for example, that we can’t see John Cena (speaking of which, I think Kevin Bacon wants his gimmick back.) I also know that there will be shenanigans of the nefarious kind, unseen since the tyranny that was the Nazi Regime. It’s all obvious to me, and frankly, I don’t know why it isn’t to you fat faced gnomes.
*10 hours later*
Holy Christ kids, I just woke up. And, umm, ow. Fucking ow. There’s chili on the ground (well, it LOOKS like chili), there’s a random female in my bed, and apparently my grandma visited me from 4000 kilometers (that’s right you yanks, METRIC SYSTEM FOR THE WIN) away to deliver some clean laundry… or, so my whiteboard says. Not to mention the throbbing medulla oblongata I’m rocking.
Ok.. so where the fuck was I? Oh, I see, I was writing while drunk. (fat faced gnomes? I’m genius!) Hmm, that was short-lived. Y’know, I think I was going somewhere with being psychic & all, and I think I was going to predict Raw next week. But… umm… no. That’s lame.
… God damn, I need Tylenol.
My my, how truly epic. I sure hope my mom doesn’t read my column.
Next up, we have a follow up to a recent edition. You see, I really enjoyed writing those songs parodies, and I decided to keep going. I’ve got another one that probably could have been included in the column.. if, you know, I hadn’t made it after it was posted. So enjoy.
‘Ironic’ – Some Whiny Bitch
Ric Flair, turned ninety-eight
He won the IC title and died the next day
It's
a cruiserweight in your Main Event
It's Matt Hardy able to defend
Isn't it ironic ... don't you think
It's
like Kane breaking kayfabe
It's a pin on Hunter when you've lost to Lance Cade
It's the Turner contract that you had
to take
Who would've thought ... it figures
Mr. Champ Is Here had a problem with his baby blues
Get Lazer-eye
surgery, he was told to do
Waited his whole damn life to get that fix
And as the doctor slipped, he thought
'Now
I can’t see you.'
And isn't it ironic ... don't you think
It's like Kane breaking kayfabe
It's a pin
on Hunter when you've lost to Lance Cade
It's the Turner contract that you had to take
Who would've thought ... it
figures
Bradshaw has a funny way of sneaking up on you
When you’re in the Shower minding your own business
Hunter has a funny way of helping you out when
He turns you face and your entire push blows up
In your face, Orton.
It's
like respect when you're jobbing in ROH
It's like Big Show being told to gain weight
It's like thousands of fans when
you need a TV deal
It's being the most over face in history
And then Steve Austin turns heel
And isn't it ironic...
don't you think
A little too ironic... and yeah I really do think...
It's like Kane breaking kayfabe
It's a pin on Hunter when you've lost to Lance Cade
It's the Turner contract that you had to take
Who would've thought ... it figures
Bradshaw has a funny way
of sneaking up on you
Hunter has a funny, funny way of helping you out
Helping you out
In hindsight, it’s a good thing it wasn’t posted… I didn’t want you folks to know I can recite the lyrics at an Alanis Morisette song, and geek it up a notch. .. aww fuck.
The following snippet, well, could have been glorious. However, I got lazy & decided to make fun of Warrior instead.
Do you feel like you don’t fit in? Do you feel lost in an enormous sea of confusion, wondering where you belong? Is life a continuous never ending equation that just leaves you scratching your head? White Vans & Candy can help.
I estimate there to be 4 groups in the wrestling industry. These four groups’ opinions make up just about every belief one can hold about any subject. As a service to you, the faithful reader, I have simplified these views on various topics, so you can determine where you ‘fit in’, so to speak.
IWC
Warrior
Marks
Vince McMahon
Jeff Jarrett as NWA-TNA champion
*ties noose*
Jeff Jarrett is trying to steal my gimmick, IT WONT WORK MCMAHON
Hey, didn’t he use to pork Austin’s wife?
J E Double GONE!!! Remember that? I SLAY ME.
John Cena
He will never be over because he’s mediocre. Paul London is far more marketable.
This jacked up freak couldn’t cut a promo to save his life.
"We’re not worthy!"
"Sweet, glorious, cash."
Muhammed Hassan
When he’s on TV, he’s disgraceful. But as soon as he’s off, the guy is OVER!
Muhammed Hassan is trying to steal my gimmick, IT WONT WORK MCMAHON
USA! USA! GET IT? WE DON’T LIKE HIS COUNTRY! GO RACISM!
Who?
Pity I couldn’t have been assed to write any more. I was going to stretch that into talk about modern political issues, such as abortion – and you better believe a Snitsky reference was going to make it’s way into it. However, I’m kinda flaky. RAWR DETERMINATION
Ok folks, that’s all you get. Reason being, the other unused material I have is either worse/way too good and will be a column some day (in both cases!).
So… yeah, this edition really had nothing to it. I mean, I could say it’s because I’m smack dab in the middle of mid-terms, but really, I’m just a jerk who likes to make you suffer through the shit I didn’t see fit for posting. How does that make you feel, knowing that you just read a bunch of crap I didn’t want anyone to read? Mahahaha. Maaahaaa. Haaa. *giggle*
...wait, now I feel retarded for letting the world see this crap.
Umm…
So, that Sonny Siaki… he really could have a killer feud with Lex Luger, eh?
YES, I END ON A GOOD NOTE.
As I’m
sure you’ve all heard by now, Christian and the WWE have parted ways. Ever since Christian came to the WWE, winning the light-heavyweight title, he’s been my honest to goodness
favourite wrestler. Through out high school, my best friend and I would giggle at all ends about 5 second poses and how sweet
the Unprettier is. (Yes, I was that cool.) When he broke out into singles work, I couldn’t have been happier –
as long as Christian showed up on my TV every Monday or Thursday night, I was a happy man. Then… he started to get himself
over – something only the true stars are able to do. His work was never in question, but now he was getting some of
the biggest pops around, and there was no fan more wide-eyed than I, begging for a World Championship run.
When I heard
the news that he’d declined to resign with the WWE, I couldn’t blame him… if the guy wanted to be shitted
on, he’d do some dutch porn. However, there is still as sense of loss in my heart that will always long for our lovable
Jay Reso. That’s why… I wrote this little song.
This week, WHITE VANS AND CANDY PRESENTS:
“MR. CANADIAN GUY”
.. here’s
lookin’ at you, kid.
A long, long
time ago...
I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile.
And I knew if I had my chance
That I could
make it in the big dance
And, maybe, Wresting would be fun, for a while.
But Smackdown made me shiver
With every
Unprettier I’d deliver.
Bad news on Vince’s cell call;
I couldn’t take one more pin fall.
I
can’t remember if he lied
”You’ll get a push”, my eyes all wide,
But Patterson touched me deep
inside
The day, I grew some balls.
So bye-bye, Mr. Canadian Guy
Drove my patience to the limit
But my patience
had died
And good ol’ boys were drinking and getting’ high
Singin’, "He was too small to survive”
"He
was too small to survive"
Signing a contract full of laws,
Did you pay attention to the no-compete clause?
Talk
to Brock, you two can have a nice chat.
Can you believe they trademarked your name?
Saying they caused all of Christian’s
fame,
We’ll see what the church has to say about that.
Well, I know that you’re in love with it
but
we all know talent don’t mean shit.
I’ve always got my workin’ boots.
Just a shame I was always told
to lose.
I was a lonely mid card jobbing act
When I had a promo with Vinnie Mac,
But his priorities were out
of whack,
The day, I grew, some balls.
I started singin’,
"bye-bye, Mr. Canadian Guy."
Drove my patience
to the limit
But my patience had died
And good ol’ boys were drinking and gettin’ high
Singin’,
"He was too small to survive”
”He was too small to survive"
Now for8 years I’ve been with the
E
Pay your dues, that what they told me,
What about Mr. You Can’t See Me?
Or when Angle won his first belt,
Then
Brock showed the world what he was all about
Nobody ever gave them doubt.
Oh, and while Vince was looking down,
When
I got over, he began to frown.
For it wasn’t what he had planned;
”Get your own heat? I’ll be damned!”
And
while Edge was cheating on his wife,
And Matt slashed his tires with a knife,
My career
was getting a new life,
The day I grew some balls
We were singing,
"bye-bye, Mr. Canadian Guy."
Drove my patience
to the limit
But my patience had died
And good ol’ boys were drinking and getting’ high
Singin’,
"He was too small to survive”
”He was too small to survive"
Swantons and Spears, I took em all.
Make
em look good, I’d get the call,
then pat me on the head and smile away.
With a pathetic win loss record,
Still
my popularity had soared,
At least I never had to make out with Mae.
Now my main event stint was feeling good
Become
a big star, I know I could.
I got up to the big dance,
But it was a short lived romance.
`cause the bookers are fickle
ones;
Make one wrong move, and you’re done.
Make room for Orton’s Son
The day I grew some balls
We
started singing,
"bye-bye, Mr. Canadian Guy."
Drove my patience to the limit
But my patience had died
And good
ol’ boys were drinking and gettin’ high
Singin’, "He was too small to survive”
”He was
too small to survive"
Oh, I still remember how I’d prespire,
When I’d come up through that ring of fire
I
wouldn’t dare say a thing to raise Vince’s ire.
I can still feel the laughs when I wore those puffy shirts!
But
the only thing I feel now is hurt
For I now know all I had was a main event flirt
Oh, and
as they watched me from the stage
Their hands were clenched in fists of rage.
”Why are they cheering you,”
”We
haven’t told them to!”
And as my star grew stronger in the ranks
They eliminated my every chance,
Probably
doesn’t help that JBL still hates Lance.
The day I grew some balls
He was singing,
"bye-bye, Mr. Canadian
Guy."
Drove my patience to the limit
But my patience had died
And good ol’ boys were drinking and gettin’
high
Singin’, "He was too small to survive”
”He was too small to survive"
I met
a champ with a damn big nose
I asked him if he liked my 5 second pose,
But he just laughed and took a leak.
I went
down to
come right away, said the boss’ orders,
Only to hear I’m gonna go on a losing streak.
And
on the net: the IWC screamed,
While the TNA bookers creamed.
I’m a simple victim of perjury
Even though I’ve
avoided injury.
the three men who were works of art;
Davey, Hennig and Owen Hart
All chuckle now they’ve gone
to depart
The day I grew some balls.
And they were singing,
"bye-bye, Mr. Canadian Guy."
Drove my patience
to the limit
But my patience had died
And them good ol’ boys were drinking and getting’ high
Singin’,
"He was too small to survive”
”He was too small to survive"
They were singing,
"bye-bye, Mr. Canadian
Guy."
Drove my patience to the limit
But my patience had died
And thm good ol’ boys were drinking and getting’
high
Singin’, "He was too small to survive”
September 26, 2005
October 03, 2005
October 10, 2005
October 17, 2005
October 31, 2005
White Vans And Candy: (10/31/05) by James Walker
This is a huge milestone for me here, folks. You see, in my time here on TWF, I’ve plugged away at my weekly column, providing dozens of laughs. However, the entire time, I’ve just pulled the column ideas out of my ass, and gone from there. However, this week, I’m not coming up with an idea… SOCIETY has GIVEN me a topic! I’m talkin’ about HALLOWEEN.
Yes folks, I’m going to go the predictable route…. For this week,
WHITE VANS AND CANDY PRESENTS: WWE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES
Hardcore Holly
I’ve heard rumours as to what Bob Holly will be dressing as this year… what, you haven’t? Jeez, what LAME dirtsheets YOU read! However, the leading rumour is that of a good ol’ fashioned bartender. Now, I know, on first sight, this sounds pretty obscure. But see… this will allow Bob Holly to “SERVE UP SOME ALABAMA SLAMMAS ALL NIGHT LONG!!!!!!!!”… because we all know he’s totally over and those cheers aren’t dubbed in, right? Yeah, definitely. Bob 4 lyfe.
Booker T
Booker is going original this year.. unlike years before, where he dressed as G.I Bro (I mean.. one year, whatever.. for 38 straight years? What the fuck, man.) booker has come up with an extremely detailed and clever costume. Booker is going to be.. EDWARD SCISSORS KICK.
… hmm. Maybe I should have seen the movie before I decided to write a blurb about how it ties into wrestling. Soooo… umm… let’s pretend I already wrote it, ok?
*pause*
Damn, that was funny. I’m really clever, and totally on top of pop culture. I should be on MTV.
John Cena
Wrestling’s next big star is going a classic route this year. It’ll be an odd change for him – he’s normally costumed as a credible wrestler the other 364 days of the year. But On Halloween… everything is gonna change. See this year, John is takin’ it OLD SKOOL~!!1, and he’s going to be a ghost. No, not because we can see through his thinly veiled sheet of ‘talent’, but because John wants us finally to make sense of ‘You can’t see me!’
(Alright you pricks… I just wanted to make that joke. Hell, this whole column was designed for that. I don’t think my delivery on it was that great, but tough cookies. I’m an important man – there’s a whole tube of cookie dough that I haven’t eaten yet. I don’t have the time to make more bad Cena jokes.. properly.)
Tyson Tomko
Ok… so, umm, yeah. I suddenly realized this guy was still under contract. Remember that, what, 2 week push he had given to him? Well, I decided it would be funny if I brought this up. However, lo and behold, NOTHING IS FUNNY ABOUT HIM.
So, therefore, he’s going to be Ray Romano.
Rodney Mac
(Yes yes, he doesn’t work for the WWE. I don’t care, he’s still fun to laugh at. )
This year, rumours are FLYING around that Rodney Mac has cooked up something special with his ‘Wham Bam I think it’s Ma’am?’ Jazz. Yes folks, you know those adorable tandem costumes lovey-dovey couples come to parties in and rub in your face how cute they are and how white their picket fence is and how adorable their golden retriever is while they completely ignore the fact that golden retrievers are a dirty dogs and smell real bad and that a dachshund is a far better choice, while the also ignore the fact that they’re really no better than you because they’re happy I mean I’m happy just not like them; I’ve got contra to keep me company, and they have each other, same thing, right?
Err… umm... costumes. Yeah. They’re not dressing up, actually. They’re going to the bank to take a second mortgage out on their cardboard box. See, they’re poor. Cause they got fired. Ha ha.
Brock Lesnar
Yeah yeah, he’s not with the company either. Quit your bitching, he’s a comedy goldmine, and I’m a capitalist like that. Anywho, Brock is rocking it up in New Japan, winning their top belt on his first show. Now, the move to the Land of The Rising Sun has done a lot to old Lesnar here… being so pleased that they’ve accepted them into their ulture, Brock has begun to delve into the masses that is Japanese Pop Culture. The guy is wolfing down Pocky like no tomorrow, has a Hello Kitty tote bag, and is really into some weird porn now. However, it has never been more apparent that he’s been heavily influenced by the Japanese lifestyle in his Halloween costume.
This year, Brock Lesnar is a Super Sayin. I’ll leave it at that.
Randy Orton
Oh young Randal, what a whipper snapper he is… pooping where he pleases, getting away with rowdy antics, always getting what he wants… so, it’s not far of a stretch for Randy to be dressed as an infant.
Now hold on here… the fun is just beginning. See, I hear what you’re saying right now – “Yeah yeah yeah, Randy is a baby, whatever James. Are you gonna imply now he enter the Juniors division? That’d be brilliant, really. No honestly man, you’d be so clever!” Believe me folks, I’m better than that… now sit back and enjoy this doozy.
So Randy’s a younglin’ now, eh? And knowing the WWE’s penchant for pushing green OVW talent to the moon, this seems like a perfect fit. However, ‘Huggies’ isn’t part of the dress code, and he’s gonna be released. Where will he go to? Well… we all know Feinstein will be calling.
There you’ve got it folks…
the lamest damn Halloween costumes since the year I dressed up as ‘Crazy Pickle Arm’. However, take solace in
the fact that these guys can toodle around all year in their underwear, AND THEN, they get to ‘dress up’. Frankly,
For wrestlers, Halloween is more of a vacation then anything. That is, except for the likes of
It’s been a while since the WWE released a CD. Ok, no it hasn’t. But, I needed a way
to introduce the column, so, um, that’s the best you’re gonna
get. Just go with it, ok? Anyways, the reason for their delay is because they’re coming out with THE BEST CD YOU’LL
EVER EXPERIENCE. And as you kids know, I’m THE source for the inner secrets of the WWE. (eww...) You’ll never
believe what I found here folks…
This week,
WHITE VANS AND CANDY PRESENTS:
WWE
DOES THE CLASSICS
Track 1: Bitch of Man Named McMahon – Jim Ross
Well this is a story all about how,
My face got flipped, turned upside down
And I’d like take a minute just sit right there
And tell you how I became the bitch of man name McMahon
In south
On football field where I spent most of my days
Hoping to announce games for that’d be cool
And thinkin’ bout shootin’ roids to play for the soons
When an weird lookin’ guy said I look like a tool
Offered me a job & get me outta that neighbourhood
I got into a private jet & my doc got scared
He said you’re in no condition to sit in an announcin’ chair
I shrieked for
I struggled to deal with my palsy’s, comma, bell’s
I realized in this job I’d never be bored
I thought man forget it, yo home to Stam-ford!
I pulled into Raw about 7 or 8
And McMahon yelled ‘Yo fatty smell ya later!’
Linda bruised my jewels, not with her hands.
And that’s how I became the bitch of a man named McMahon
Track 2: ‘Basket Case, V1’ – Matt Hardy
Do you have the time?
To listen to me whine.
About Amy & Adam
All at once
I am one of those
Emo-reactive fools
Wasting TV time,
No doubt about it
Sometimes I give women the creeps
Sometimes my boss plays tricks on me
I’m sure I’d get title shots
Now I job to Cade & Murdoch
Am I gonna follow Jeff?
Or is he still stoned?
I went to R O H
To show I’m not a waste
But their lack of crowds was bringing me down
I bitched about my whore
She said our relationship’s a chore
So quit my whining
Cause it’s making me look bad
Sometimes I give women the creeps
Sometimes my boss plays tricks on me
I’m sure I‘d get title shots
Now I job to Cade & Murdoch
Am I gonna get pushed?
Ah, nah nah nah!
Grasping for creative control
But I gotta lay down
Sometimes I give women the creeps
Sometimes my boss plays tricks on me
I’m sure I’d get title shots
Now I job to Cade & Murdoch
Am I gonna follow Jeff?
Or is he still stoned?
Track 3: ‘Imagine’ – The IWC
Imagine there’s no Hunter
It’s easy if you try
No pedigrees on chairs below us
Above us no more ceiling
Imagine all the people
At our live events
Imagine there’s no Bradshaw
It isn’t hard to do
No clotheslines to duck for
No more ass rapes, too.
Imagine all the cruisers,
In our main events
You may say that I’m a smark
But I’m not the only one
I hope some day you’ll join us
And Chris Jericho will be your man.
Imagine no Chris Masters
I hope that you all can
No need for selling a full nelson
A hold not put over since
Imagine all the pushes
For talented men
You may say that I’m a smark
But I’m not the only one
I hope some day you’ll join us
And Chris Benoit will be your man.
Track 4: ‘
Now he sees he’s a jobber, he’s good as dead
London’s calling to T.N.A.
When they matter, that’ll be the day
London’s
calling, now don't look to us
Top rope maneuvers have not earned our trust
London’s calling, see we ain't got
no care
Cause we’ve ruined him so much his resumé is bare
The new age is coming, competition coming in
Low
ratings expected, rosters becoming thin
Workers stop caring, but I have no fear
'Cause London is losing, and I have
Stephanie near
London’s calling to New Japan; he’ll work hard
Lesnar’s there, show him how to
do the shooting star
London’s calling to Ring of honor
Feinstein’ll rape you like you’re Harry Potter!
London’s
calling, and I don't wanna shout
But when he was wrestling, I saw fans marking out
London’s calling, see he ain’t
got a clue
Cause Orlando cheers guys like the 3 Live Kru
The new age is coming, competition coming in
Low ratings
expected, rosters becoming thin
Workers stop caring, but I have no fear
'Cause London is losing, and I have Stephanie
near
Now get this
An' you know what they said? CUT YOUR DAMN HAIR.
For a time when his matches were fun
I never have been so aloof aloof aloof…
Track 5: ‘Dead (Iron) Man’ – The Undertaker
Has he lost a match?
Can he lose or can he tap?
Can he be pinned at all?
Or if he fails
will he fall?
Is he 'live or dead?
Do we care that he was called Booger Red?
He'll just pin him there,
Why should
he even care?
He was turned to god
Hell in a cell, he got the nod
When, way back in time
Nearly broke the
neck of Mankind
People cheered him;
He just praises an urn,
Pinning the Ortons
They’ll never get their
turn
Now the time is here
for Dead Man to spread fear,
Choke slams are his friend
Tombstones are the inevitable
end
People cheered him;
He just praises an urn,
Pinning the Ortons
They’ll never get their turn
Big
boots to the head
Knocks out his victims, they’re left for dead
Running as fast as they can,
Dead Man has their
career in his hand
Has he lost a match?
Can he lose or can he tap?
Can he be pinned at all?
Or if he fails
will he fall?
Is he 'live or dead?
Do we care that he was called Booger Red?
He'll just pin him there,
Why should
he even care?
He was turned to god
Hell in a cell, he got the nod
When, way back in time
Nearly broke the
neck of Mankind
Now the time is here
for Dead Man to spread fear,
Choke slams are his friend
Tombstones are
the inevitable end
Now we know what time it is
For Dead Man to call it quits
That won’t happen though
Retirements
don’t happen on B-shows
People cheered him;
He just praises an urn,
Pinning the Ortons
They’ll
never get their turn
Big boots to the head
Knocks out his victims, they’re left for dead
Running as fast
as they can,
Dead Man has their career in his hand
Track 6: ‘Pretty Fly For A White Guy’ – Vince McMahon & The Creative Travellin’ Band
You can’t see me baby, uh huh, uh huh
You can’t see me baby, uh huh, uh huh
You
can’t see me baby, uh huh, uh huh
And all the fanboys say I'm pretty fly for a white guy
One, Two, Three,
and the FU is pretty sweet
You know its kinda hard just to get over today
Our subject wasn’t cool, but
we forced it anyway
He may not have a skill, and he may not have a style
But everything he lacks, he makes up in merch
sales
So don't debate, being champ was fate
You know he really don’t want to alientate
Gonna push
our man, he’s no flash in the pan
But for him no swears, for him no swears!
So if you aren’t great, just
over compensate
At least you know you can always go to TNA
The world needs wigger champs
Hey, hey, look at the belt
spins!
You can’t see me baby, uh huh, uh huh
You can’t see me baby, uh huh, uh huh
You can’t
see me baby, uh huh, uh huh
And all the fanboys say I'm pretty fly for a white guy
He needs a cool gimmick,
not just any will suffice
But he didn’t have talent, so he became Vanilla Ice
Now cruising in the main event,
he sees Bradshaw as he pass
But if he looks twice, he’s gonna plug his rookie ass!
So don't debate,
being champ was fate
You know he really don’t want to alientate
Gonna push our man, he’s no flash in the
pan
But for him no swears, for him no swears!
So if you aren’t great, just over compensate
At least you know
you can always go to TNA
The world loves wigger champs
Hey, hey, look at the belt spins!
Now he's getting
a cheers yeah, he's getting new fans
He thinks he black, but he doesn’t have a tan
Friends say he's trying too
hard and he's not quite hip
But in his own mind he's got, he’s got a nice dropkick
You can’t see
me baby, uh huh, uh huh
You can’t see me baby, uh huh, uh huh
You can’t see me baby, uh huh, uh huh
And
all the fanboys say I'm pretty fly for a white guy
One, Two, Three, and the FU is pretty sweet
So
don't debate, being champ was fate
You know he really don’t want to alientate
Gonna push our man, he’s no
flash in the pan
But for him no swears, for him no swears!
So if you aren’t great, just over compensate
At
least you know you can always go to TNA
The world needs wigger champs
The world loves wigger champs
Let's get some
more wigger champs
Hey, hey, look the belt spins!
Track 7: ‘Under the Rule’ – Rob Van Dam
Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a prayer
Sometimes I feel like, my only hope
Is the city that cheered me,
The city of hardcore
Talented as I am,
Forever I’ll lose.
I’ll put over Carlito
‘cause ‘he’s got mic skills’
I go through tables
but nobody cares
Johnny sees my old matches
Tells me they’re sloppy
I’ll be champion
Now that is a lie
I’ll never know how it feels
To be main event
Pin me in the ring tonight,
Pin me every day.
It’s hard to believe
That there’s no chance for me
It’s hard to believe
That this is my peak
At least I have their love,
The fans that cheer me
Talented as I am,
Forever I’ll lose.
I’ll never know how it feels
To be main event
Pin me in the ring tonight,
Pin me every day.
Under the rule of McMahon
Is where I drew some blood
Under the rule of McMahon
I couldn’t get enough wins
Under the rule of McMahon
Forget about my push
Under the rule of McMahon
I gave my life away
Track 8: ‘The accomplishments of Sylvan Grenier’ – Sylvan Grenier
Track 9: ’Another Dick With No Balls’ – Jim Hellwig
Sanity’s gone to Parts Unknown,
Leaving just a memory,
Gorilla Press Slam & Big
Splashes.
Vinnie, got any royalties for me?
Vinnie, I have a family to feed.
All in all I was just a dick with
no balls.
All in all I was just a dick with no balls.
He don’t need no education.
He don’t need no steady job.
Hating sand niggers,
spics and coons.
Warrior, leave those roids alone.
Hey, Warrior, leave those roids alone!
All in all he’s just
another dick with no balls.
All in all he’s just another dick with no balls.
I don’t need fans around me
But I could use some drugs to calm me.
I have seen the DVD, took a lot of balls.
Don’t
think I get royalties at all.
No! don’t think I’ll get royalties at all.
All in all I was just a dick with
no balls.
All in all I was just a dick with no balls.
If you can’t make sense, how can you have any a job?
How can you have a job if you don’t make sense?
Track 10: ‘Christian’s Rhapsody’– Various Superstars (Re-release)
Christian: Is this my
real life…
Is this just fantasy…
Chris Benoit: Caught in
talent hell…
No escape from our contract…
Paul London: Open your
eyes,
After being pinned and seeeeee!
Steven Richards: I’m just a jobber, I need no victories.
Rob Van Dam: Because I’m
easy pin, easy go.
I get a little high… a big no no…
Hurricane: Anyways, the
show blows; doesn’t really matter to me
Toooo meee…
HHH: Stephy… just squashed
a man…
Pedigree on his head
3 count later, his career is dead.
JBL: Mama, his push had just
begun!
But now I’ve gone and killed it all away
Mama, OoooOOOOOooo!!!
Didn’t mean to make you lose!
If
you’re not on your back this time tomorrow,
Powerbomb, Powerbomb, and the pinfall doesn’t matter…
Kurt Angle: Hope I’m
not too late, doctors have come
Still have the shivers down my spine!
Body’s aching all the time.
They say
goodbye, that I’ve got to go.
That I’ve gotta leave it all behind to face the truth.
Mama oooooh, (anyways
the show blows)
Don’t want my career to die
Sometimes wish I’d never awesome at all.
Pat Patterson: I see a little
package of a French man,
Rene Dupree, Rene Dupree, will you do the fag dance?
Charlie Haas: Lack of creative plans, very implausible to
me!
Everyone:
Christian: But I’m just a small man and nobody cheers me
Chris Benoit, Paul London, RVD, Hurricane: He’s just a small boy from a different country-
Spare his pride from losing to a DDT-
Christian: Easy come easy go, will you let me go?
HHH, Undertaker, Triple H, Kurt Angle: BATISTA! No
,we will not let you go!
Chris Benoit, Paul London,
RVD, Hurricane: Let him go!
HHH,
Undertaker, Triple H, Kurt Angle: BATISTA! We will not let you go!
Chris Benoit, Paul London, RVD, Hurricane: Let him go!
HHH, Undertaker, Triple H, Kurt Angle: BATISTA! We will not let you go!
Christian: Let me go!
HHH, Undertaker, Triple H, Kurt Angle: Will not let you go!
Christian: Let me go-oohhhhh!
HHH, Undertaker, Triple H, Kurt Angle: No,no,no,no,no,no,no!
Nunzio: Mama mia, mama mia, mama mia let him go!
Christian: Jeff Jarrett has a push put aside for
me, for me, for MEEEEEEE!
Christian: So you think
you can squash me and kill all my pride!
So you think you can push me then leave me to die!
Oh baby, can’t do
this to me baby!
Just gotta get out, just gotta get right outta here!
Talent doesn’t matter,
Anyone can see,
Talent
doesn’t matter, talent doesn’t matter to the E….
Anyways, the show blows....
Track 11: ‘Bennnnnnnnnoit’ – The IWC
Bennnnnoit, you don’t have to work the mid card
Those days are over
You’re main event because you worked hard
Bennnnoit, you don’t have to face
Get pinned cleanly for money,
You don’t care if it degrades your might
Bennnnnoit, you don’t have to work the mid card
Bennnnnoit, you don’t have to work the mid card
Working the mid card, working the mid card
Working the mid card, working the mid card
Working the mid card… blows
I loved you since I knew ya
I know you’re not from
I’ll tell you how I feel today
You’d be better off in TNA
I know your mind is made up
I know it wouldn’t be a trade up
Told you once, Won’t tell you again, but you’re in a bad way
Bennnnnoit, you don’t have to work the mid card
Bennnnnoit, you don’t have to work the mid card
Working the mid card, working the mid card
Working the mid card, working the mid card
Working the mid card, working the mid card
Working the mid card, working the mid card
You don’t have to work the mid card
You don’t have to work the mid card
Pretty freakin’ sweet, eh?
Ok, I have
a secret to tell you kids. Last week.. I really *didn’t* hack into Warrior’s e-mail. I know, I know, it was deceiving.
Secretly, I MADE THOSE EMAILS UP. However, I truthfully did make up up ‘destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com’. I encouraged
letters to this address, and I’ve got to say I’m disappointed, kids.
IN ONE WEEK,
FAKE WARRIOR GOT MORE FAN MAIL THAN I EVER HAVE.
So, I could
punish you kids, by reposting Smokey The Big Show. Or even worse, linking you to Bacon’s column. However… I’m
a sweetheart. Sue me, I’m a man of the people. Therefore, through my psyche, I’m going to be able to delve into
the Depths of Warrior consciousness, and present you all with the goods.
Folks, this week,
WHITE VANS AND CANDY PRESENTS: THE WARRIOR REPORT.
Greetings
from underneath the shiny 200X Resistol tin foil skull cap! This weekend is chock full of greatness, as I’m heading
down to
So my Arizona
Cardinals played a game. I sat in the crowd and collected sunflower seed spittings. Them little buggers make a great vest
– just as strong as Kevlar. I tell you, when the battle lines are drawn, you’re gonna see Him battling right along
side the pride of
Alright,
so, I’ll fess up. I watch Homecoming this week. Y’know, I couldn’t help noticing in that entire little ‘legends’
segment, *I* wasn’t there. That’s cool, I mean, there was enough attraction already there what with KOKO B.WARE~!,
but still. Woulda think I would be there to promote my DVD, but lo, Vince didn’t like my idea of stabbing John Cena.
Apparently he didn’t think it would be plausible that Cena would get stabbed & return with no scar a few weeks later.
Pity.
I picked
up a copy of Mick Foley’s ‘Scooter’. I have to say, it’s really been helpful in my life. I pick it
up at least once a day, and it’s a great experience. Though, I have to say, Charmin is softer.
While watching
Homecoming, I had to witness the unpleasant sight of two old bags, flaunting themselves on the screen. It’s a sad sight
to see them doing the same old shtick after all these years; I wish they would just leave. After all these years, I can’t
believe Hogan & Piper are still around.
You know,
when I saw Shawn Michaels, I wondered where I could have been if I done all that he has to change his life. I mean, he’s
on his knees, calling up to a higher power, and he’s really found him in a nice & cozy spot. It’s familiar,
safe, and he’ll never come down off his cloud as long as he stays there. Then I remembered – I’m not queer
& I don’t give Vince McMahon constant blowjobs.
Apparently,
the Austin/McMahon segment was the highest rated portion of Raw, and I have to say, I’m really shocked. I thought a
sure fire hit like ROB CONWAY would just RAKE IT IN!!!
You see Vince,
you can hope and prey, but you’re never going to find another Warrior. Remember,
*I* am the heir to Hogan – funny, I didn’t think he had a single hair -, and you’re just sitting at home
sobbing over the way you screwed it up. YOU HAD A FRANCHISE WITH WARRIOR, AND YOU BLEW IT. But you see, you’re trying
to replace me – you always have. And I can tell you one thing my friend – you’ll never find it. WARRIOR
IS A STATISTICAL IMPOSSIBILITY! I mean, you’ve got parts of me, for sure. The technical skill of Chris Benoit is about
on average with me. The promo skills of Ric Flair, at best, are neutral. The work rate of Kurt Angle… just about my
level. But until you can pull off a Frankenstein and develop “The Olympic Nature Wolverine”, you’re failing.
But gosh, does that Rob Conway ever look hot in those mesh tights.
I loved the
Bischoff/Cena match. I still like to watch men wrestle who know what they are doing … rather than observing a high-wire
act between two guys who seemingly feel no pain or have the skills to actually correctly apply a wrestling hold.
You know,
all in all though, I liked Raw Homecoming. I thought it was very well put together, and really made sense. Everyone loved
it, and the place was going crazy. It never ceases to disappoint, and it enjoys long walks on the beach. Oh wait, that’s
me, ha ha.
So I hear
Jim Ross is on the outs as lead announcer for Raw, along with Lawler. This only means one thing: WARRIOR BETTER GET HIS RESUME
TOGETHER.
.. ha ha,
but seriously, I don’t know why it’s taken Ross so long to get out, but I suppose his mouth is too lazy.
I saw Kevin
Von Erich this week on Raw. When he busted out that claw, it felt like Kerry, Fritz, Mike, Chris and David were all clawing
for their lives with him. It’s reasons like this why I think we have a vengeful god – I mean, of all the Von Erichs
to stay alive, God picked KEVIN? That’s like a Chinese buffet only having fried rice & dead Von Erichs. Anyways,
I wish Kevin the best of luck in trying to continue on his family legacy. (Here’s a hint for you if you’re reading,
man – cut with the grain, not against it!)
Anyways,
there’s a nation to be saved, and it looks like I’m the only one who knows how to do it. ‘Scuse me while
I go unleash some clotheslines on stroke victims.
Oh man, was
that ever GREAT. The adrenaline rush I get, makes ME want to rush the ring, and shake the ropes in a violent manner! I CAN
FEEL MY TESTICLES SHRINKING ALREADY!!! In fact, with all these Warrior columns I’m writing, I’m starting to feel
a change in my D.N.A. structure… suddenly; I have the sudden urge to hate Mexicans, praise conservatism, and be on a
constant coke trip… god damn queers… I FEEL AS IF… I’M BECOMING WARRIOR MYSELF!
…
Or not.
With the
sudden rush of press for Warrior, I felt compelled to write about the guy. I mean, the guy is an easy enough target as is,
but when he’s a hot topic, you damn well better believe I’ll be all over him like Rob Feinstein at the Little
League World Series. However… I didn’t want to write a typical ‘ha ha, warrior is stupid’ column…
I want the FACTS. Using my ninja-like detective work, I weaseled my way into Warrior’s personal e-mail account, and
found the following. Apparently, the former Mr. Hellwig corresponds regularly with many familiar faces, and I felt compelled
to share this with the world.
Folks, this is WHITE VANS AND CANDY PRESENT:
DEAR WARRIOR
From: colossus@boggoroad.au
To: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com
Title: CAN
I GET A WHATWHAT?
Aye mate!
Hercules, Giant Silva & I are getting’ togetha for a wee round of go fish tonite!!! See you there?
From: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com
To:
Title:
OMG I’m
SO there. You know what would be DIVINE? NACHOS!!!! THIS SHIT IS BANANAS!!!
From: Vincent_Kennedy_McMahon@wwe.com
To: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com
Title: Lookie
what I found!!!
Vince, from
Hey buddy! Just like to share this picture I
found of you! It’s totally going on the cover of your next DVD!
http://www.accelerator3359.com/Wrestling/pictures/hellwig.gif
Tootaloo,
sweet cheeks!
From: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com
To: Vincent_Kennedy_McMahon@wwe.com
Title: re:
Lookie what I found!!!
Vincent, when will you learn? You’ve started
a fire you can’t put out, boy! You’d think after all these years of abysmal business & revenues you would
have learned that betraying Warrior is a recipe for disaster! BUT LO AND BEHOLD, YOUR EGO REMAINS YOUR LARGEST FLAW! What
you’ve begun here is the perpetual motion machine, and sweetheart, you never have had the brakes.
Oh, also, I don’t happen to get any royalties,
do I? I mean, for god’s sake, Warrior ate a microwaved hot dog on a twinkie for dinner.
From: imgonnafuckinkillyou@hotmail.com
To: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com
Title: RIGHT
FUCKIN NOW
Muhfucka whut chu ain’t getting’
is this nigga right here will FUCKYOU UP. Y’see, when yo fag dancin’, rope wankin’, cum spewin’ ass
be messin’ wit dis NIGGA, YOUS GOTSTA GETS CAPPED. You preachin fuckin’ republican shit but here’s the fuckin
problem: NO NIGGAZ GIVE A FUCK. Yo crazy fuckin brain be messed from all that shit you jacked into yo ass, and I ain’t
just talkin’ bout steroids. Tha only thing smaller than yo’ skankin’ balls be yo fuckin’ brain, asshole.
NEW JACK SAY WHAT? NEW JACK SAY HE FUCK YOU UP.
From: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com
To: imgonnafuckinkillyou@hotmail.com
Title: re:
RIGHT FUCKIN NOW
… you had me at Muhfucka.
From: John_Heidenreich@directnic.com
To: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com
Title: A
problem with comments
Dear ‘Warrior’,
Unfortunately, it has come to my attention that
you have made some off-collar remarks about my native
I just got back from a fishing trip down around
While I’d like to assume that this was a simple slip of the tongue, so to speak,
I cannot assume this whilst fully comprehending your history of brashness. You see sir, in this time of disaster in
My point is: you are a heartless & miserable
person.
From: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com
To: John_Heidenreich@directnic.com
Title: re:
A problem with comments
Aww, poor little Johnny boy is hurt by big ol
mean Warrior? Does Heidy want a Kleenex? If I were you, I’d use it to wipe that face paint off, you damn pretty boy
– you got nothin’. You’re just a roided up, make up wearing, talentless guy who gets shoved down the communal
throats of wrestling fans. Take a lesson from a legend here: Unless you can loot some skill, you’re going to drown,
just like your family.
From: vee_oneeeeeaaaah@gmail.com
To: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com
Title: :’(
Ok… I’m in trouble here. About 8
months ago, my long term girlfriend cheated on me with my best friend. I proceeded to let the world know, resulting in my
firing. Luckily enough though, this caused such a public fury that I had no choice but to be re-hired. However, now I see
that it was a double cross, and now I’m being stepped on and taken advantage of even more than ever. I’m stuck
in this job for the next two years… I don’t know how my credibility can survive this long! You must have some
advice for me.
From: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com
To: vee_oneeeeeaaaah@gmail.com
Title: re:
:’(
Hey man. Listen here… you’ve gotta
get over that. I mean, sure, the stuff is rough, but just do what I do: curl up with a good book, put on some soft jazz, and
maybe some Michelina’s.
It’s
tough boy, I know, but you’ll get that credibility back. Look at me now – I have a DVD, I’m a professional
political speaker, and I’ve got the sweetest name in the world. So don’t worry bout it big fella… I would
warn you not to commit suicide, but I know that YOU WILL NOT DIE! *hug*
From: king_of_the_slapnuts@tna.com
To: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com
Title: I’ve
been thinking.
You want a job?
From: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com
To: king_of_the_slapnuts@tna.com
Title: re:
I’ve been thinking.
Warrior works for no one. He is an entity in
Himself, a cerebral being that is beyond comprehension of the human mind. For centuries, civilizations have fallen before
Warrior in vain attempt to fully understand the psyche of Him. Thoughtless are these ideals, despite their valiant nature.
In other words, $10000 a show.
From: vanillagorilla@aol.com
To: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com
Title: OMG
BEST F5UCKING IDEA EVER
HEY GUY.
I THINK U SHULD CUM W ME 2
From: destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com
To: vanillagorilla@aol.com
Title: re:
OMG BEST F5UCKING IDEA EVER
I’m
playing Go fish tonight with Nathan Jones, wanna join?
And there you have
it, kids. You would not believe the goldmine found there… and I’m sure if you shoot him an email at destrucity_pwns_j00@yahoo.com , Warrior WILL respond. The guy is a damn nut job, and has nothing better to do.
.. Now, if
only I got this type of fan mail.
What, you
haven’t left yet? God, you’re a loser. However, that also applies to Adam (or Remy, as he’s known on our
amazing forums of the awesome Demented Diatribe fame & myself. Just to keep you kids entertained, here’s a wee little section of a conversation the fella and I
had the other day, and who knows? We just may see more of it, if the mood strikes us.
James: http://observer.guardian.co.uk/international/story/0,6903,1577753,00.html
Adam: haha, that's a hilarious story.
James: I love the mental images provoked by it
Adam: It makes me think of the sharks with laser beams from Austin Powers.
James: Exactly
Adam: Except dolphins, which is funnier.
Adam: Just imagine them making that dolphin noise after killing someone. lol
James: Any bets how long it'll take
Adam: To what? Miami KILLER dolphins?
James: a new logo is in order
Adam: It could be a new TV show: "When Dolphins Attack."
James: Suddenly, people would be clammoring to have dolphin-rich tuna
Adam: They'll need to be "thinned" out so they don't over-breed.
Adam: And people will get pissed when they try to reintroduce them to
James: thinned out over a piece of toasted rye...
James: god, we're trading dolphin jokes.
Adam: I know. Isn't that awesome?
James: It is
James: What subject can't be funny?
Adam: No wonder chicks dig us.
James: ohhhh yeeeeeaah
Adam: Plus, we're big time internet writers.
James: BIG time
James: I mean, we get a piece of fan mail occasionally!
James: THATS INSANE
Adam: Yeah. It's usually from one another, BUT STILL.
James: FO SHO
Adam: CAPS ROCK
James: OMGBBQ
Adam: WFTLMFAO
James: WIWUWYKIGBIGBTMWRTNTY
James: (if you can figure out what that means, you're the winner of life)
Adam: Jesus
Adam: Yeah, nope.
Adam: I fail at teh life.
James: "When I wake up, well you know I'm gonna be..."
Adam: I'm gonna be the man who comes right home to you
Adam: And I would five hundred miles, and I would walk five hundred more, just to be the man who walked a thousand
miles to fall down at your door.
James: I think the last time I heard that song, I was at a bar and then I proceeded to make out with a girl afterwards
(Y)
Adam: You've made out with a girl? Holy shit.
James: I know... but don't tell anyone else. I'd get banned from the IWC.
Adam: lol, fucking IWC.
James: I hate em
James: I hate that I'm a part of it
James: I feel like the dude in 1984
Adam: I dunno, you should have to sign up to be part of the IWC or something.
James: IGNORANCE IS STRENGTH; HUNTER IS SHIT
White Vans And Candy: (09/26/05) by James Walker