White Vans and Candy: (02/07/05) By James Walker
So this is my first column. No, not just at TWF, but first column ever. This isn’t to say I haven’t been around the internet for ages; I’ve just simply never gotten involved in the process. So, I could be ridiculously dull and boring, and talk about how I got here, where I’m from, and all that garb. And you know what? I’m gonna.
Now, seeing as this is a wrestling
website, I figure I’ll talk about how I got interested in wrestling. I have a few memories as a kid of watching Sparky
Plugg beating Irwin R. Schyster, but that never spawned anything. (Except confusion as to why a racecar driver and a tax man
decided that the best way to settle their difference was to drop elbows on each other.) I even remember watching a few of
the weekend recap shows later on (Back when Michael Cole wasn’t good enough for primetime. Wait… still is…)
and seeing the highlights of Vince McMahon, along with the Stooges, trying to find
However, none of this spawned
my interest in wrestling. Fancy that. The problem was I didn’t know what the hell was going on. People were going crazy
when ‘The Crock’ came out, yet I didn’t get it. I would watch an interview with Bret Hart shortly after
Yes, I couldn’t get enough of beating the piss out of Goldust with Ahmed Johnson. It’s here where I taught myself the basics of wrestling. I learned names for many moves and holds. I discovered the finishers of my not-yet-discovered favourites. I learned to despise JR at a young age for his repetitive announcing. (I find it funny, because playing the game now, he seems to have more of a range there than now…)
Now, I felt confident. I could watching wrestling, and know that Ken Shamrock was going to use his Ankle Lock. I could anticipate ‘The Mosh Pit’. (Shut up. I’m a mark for finishers.) And I did, and I loved every minute of it. Infact, I enjoyed the undercard MORE than the main events, because they were filled with people I haven’t seen before. Who the hell is this ‘Marc Mero’, and why do I love the ‘TKO’ so much? I was hooked.
The problem was, I only knew about the WWF… until, that is, WCW/NWO World Tour.
See... it’s here where I discovered the greatness of Sting. The amazing Rey Mysterio. And, whom I thought was the greatest wrestler alive, Powder Keg. However, after watching for a while, I found I was just too confused. I couldn’t understand why Rey Mysterio lost his mask, and why Ric Flair didn’t want to face him. I didn’t understand why The Giant would either hate or love Kevin Nash every time I watched. It got to be too much. So, I went back to the WWF.
And, it was good timing. See… I was never, and have never, been a big fan of the main event stuff. I’ve always preferred the undercard. I’d rather watch Val Venis VS D’lo Brown than Undertaker VS Austin, simply because I didn’t know much about former two. And, it was right about the time when I turned back the WWF, when the undercard was getting strong.
When I came back, we were seeing the beginning of the Brood. I loved them oh so much. Gangrel had the coolest music, and entrance, EVER. Edge and Christian came through the crowd, and were Canadian, so I loved them. I was addicted to these guys. I wanted to know more.
So… I went on the internet.
I found out what Edge’s
finisher was, and I was electrified. I then found out that Billy Gunn’s name was actually Monty Sopp. Hmm, didn’t
know that. I saw pictures of Kane without his mask. I discovered that
See… I always knew wrestling was fake. But, I saw it as a video game. I didn’t think the piledriver actually connected. I just thought that, if your opponent hit one on you, you were contractually obliged to lie down for a period of time. I didn’t know people were ‘pushed’. The internet taught me differently. (And looking back on this, wow, I suck.)
So, time wore on. Slowly but surely, the transition from mark to smark came around, and before I knew it, I was telling friends of mine, who weren’t into the IWC, that HHH was holding people down, that Test is actually a bad wrestler, and Tazz is the ‘mystery’ opponent for Kurt Angle at the rumble. To be perfectly honest, at the beginning, I loved this. I adored the knowledge that I could find out what will happen on Smackdown two days before it did. I was in heaven.
I can’t really pinpoint
a time, but eventually, all this faded. Perhaps it was because wrestling was seen as uncool now. Maybe it was because I wasn’t
seeing talented guys like Raven and
The 2004 Royal Rumble.
See, after years of my favourites getting squashed, depushed, and devalued, it was here, where Chris Benoit won the royal rumble, in convincing fashion. Now… I was still leery. Especially when he moved over to Raw and the triple threat match was announced. I cried foul upon the politics the Kliq were using. I was grudgingly predicting another Shawn Michaels Boyhood Dream. Even with Eddie Guerrero winning the strap at No Way Out, I was concerned. I NEEDED Benoit to win the damn match. My wrestling faith was put into it.
So when I he did, I probably creamed my pants. The WWE finally did something right. It was clean, it was triumphant, and to have Benoit and Eddie celebrate in the middle of the ring was absolutely pure gold.
So, why haven’t I grown angry about the state wrestling is in now? I mean, we have Triple H and god damn Bradshaw as champions. We have Randy Orton being pushed down our throats harder than a chicken fried steak with Steph. The once massively entertaining John Cena has become the epitome of stale. There’s about half a dozen nameless Divas taking the place of the HOTTEST WOMAN ALIVE, VICTORIA. There’s about as much continuity in the Cruiserweight division as a retard’s thought process.
It’s because I’m enjoying it now. See… sure, I want Paul London to get pushed to the moon. I’d love to see Paul Heyman take control of the WWE and go apeshit. I’d make love to Vince if he’d let Christian look credible once in a while. But all this isn’t going to happen. So, I have to find things that are good nowadays.
Things like Batista getting massively over, and taking Orton’s spot in Wrestlemania. The flabbergasting, and hilarious, pushing of Gene Snitsky. Carlito being one of the most entertaining parts of Smackdown, despite having only wrestled a handful of times. My glory boy Edge finally getting to be main event status. And, maybe I’m just pathetic (and believe me, I am!) but that’s enough for me. Sure, there’s room for improvement, but hell, I’m still entertained.
It all comes down to this, folks. Wrestling is an escape. It’s here where we can forget about school, work, bills, lousy blowjobs, and anxiously await the day Batista drills Hunter with the biggest damn powerbomb we’ve ever seen, when Chris Jericho will finally get the recognition he deserves, and when Bob Holly will hopefully get his shit ruined by New Jack. And until there’s nothing to anticipate, I’m going to watch, enjoy, and masturbate to Molly Holly.
So I’m sitting at my computer chair, thinking. We all can see Wrestlemania coming around, and we all see what will most likely happen there. Batista and Cena are walking out champs. The pops will be great. Fans will go home happy. Another glorious ‘Wrestlemania Moment’ in the books, documented, and ready to be reproduced when seen fit for profit. But, what do these characters do AFTER Mania? What about the roster in general? Let’s find out.
Batista: Without a doubt, the most talked about guy on the net right now. Well, maybe HHH, but that’s
boring. I’m concerned about his pushed, yet, not at all. See, the complaint running around Batista, is the only reason
why he’s getting pops, is because his heat with Hunter. Ok, fair enough. A real possibility is indeed that Batista wins
the strap... then has no one to feud with for some heat. Who else is there? Edge? … Snitsky? ...
yup, Edge & Snitsky. Unless something drastic, like a Benoit or
Cena: A Richard pointed out, Cena should have won the rumble. Well… it would have helped him more. The problem is, he didn’t. Shitters for him. Now, the Tournament on Smackdown will obviously have him win it, and then beat Jibble for the belt. Ah, what a triumph. So what does Cena do now? He’s got the gold. Well, Luckily for Cena, there still are some people on Smackdown that are still fresh to him. Like… Heidenreich? Ummm… Maybe Mysterio… see the problem?
Solution is obvious. Now, like last year, after Mania, we all fully expect the roster shuffling to begin.
This year, they better god damn well not botch it again. See… the HHH thing just made Smackdown look inferior. Who’s
been the most successful on Smackdown since the trades?
Trade the god damned champions.
Batista will still have some anger towards JBL for the comments on Raw, a feud with Big Show would be great for showing their power, and wins over someone like Undertaker and angle could really put Batista on the map, away from Triple H. Cena has proven he can be a good worker, given the right opponent, and Raw has the likes of HBK, Edge, Benoit, Jericho, and Benji. There are tons of opportunities on Raw for Cena, and would also help his character by being live, there for, the rucking of fules would be in full order.
Now, when it comes to the draft, it’s not just two guys who switch. Last year, it was 12. Unlike last year, I think they could actually make things interesting this time around. For instance:
Move Charlie Haas to Raw. I don’t care if he’s tagging or feuding with
- Get Hurricane & Tajiri back on Smackdown. They’re good Cruiserweights, and honestly, they’re doing shit all on Raw. If the WWE has any intention on having a respectable Cruiserweight division, this is a necessity. Plus, then it would give Rosey NOTHING to do, and the he’d get fired! YAY FOR UNEMPLOYMENT!
- Trade Kane & Undertaker. Taker is on his last legs (and according to Sean, they’re pretty damn frail) so a final run on the flagship show would be the proper send off, and bring in some nice juicy ratings. Meanwhile Kane still has a few years left in him, and is pretty darn talented for a big man. Kane and Angle put on some mighty impressive matches a few years ago (Remember when Angle made Kane tap? Damn that was pretty.)
- If he’s still going to be all frenched out, put Dupree back on Raw with the rest of La Resistance. I don’t get what the WWE is trying to accomplish by having Rene on Smackdown, seeing as he isn’t getting over, and is just getting the crap beaten out of by Holly. Plus, with his seemingly constant erection, Dupree could fill the void in Grenier’s life, ever since Pat Paterson left.
What it comes down to, is after Wrestlemania, the roster will need some tweaking. I might be a minority in this one,
but I like the roster split. A few things have suffered, like the tag, Cruiser, and Women’s divisions, but you can’t
tell me that at the rumble, that square off between Raw and Smackdown guys didn’t get you going. The great thing about the split is now matches we were seeing for years, like Angle VS Kane, will seem
fresh. And with the amount of people on each roster, this freshness does continue until the next draft, as we’ve seen
this year. So to the people worried about Batista’s purely anti-HHH pops, I figure the way to solve that is to get him
as far away as possible from Hunter. He’s kinda like the plague… except Steph wouldn’t eat the plague …
Wrestlers come and go. They’re on our TV for a few years, then they drug themselves up/murder their girlfriends/disrespect
the entire business, and they’re gone. Gone from the TV, but not our hearts. What happens to our favourite useless jobber
after he’s fired? Did The Bezerker go back to raping and pillaging villages in the
TEST: I loved this guy. I thought he was bad ass. The leather pants, the never
consistent finisher, and the apathy to his fiancé getting drugged up and married to another dude, man, he was my idol! So,
what has Test been up to recently? Been working shitty indy dates where he puts over the promotion’s top guy? I DON’T
THINK SO! Test, obviously has gone back to being a bodyguard for Motley Crue. I don’t think it’s a coincidence
that the band reformed around the same time he was let go. The whole idea that the ‘WWE were giant pricks for firing
a guy with a broken neck where now he can’t even support himself, financially and physically’ is just a cover
up, for the fact he’s now booting middle aged glam rocker fans RIGHT IN THEIR TIRED OLD FACES! Way to go Test, you make
BUFF BAGWELL: Make no bones about it, Buff WAS the Stuff. What I found so great about him, was the fact that he made WRESTLING gayer. That takes talent. (And lube. Lots of lube.) But, ever since the worst main event in history, no one has seen him and his calf implants. Well… there’s a good reason for that, folks. See… my sources (the pixies in my head) tell me Mama Judy has fallen ill, and Buff, being the dear sweet boy he is, is tending to her every need. Now… what Buff doesn’t know, is Russo is behind the ‘sickness’, and it’s all just a SWERVE! See... Judy isn’t really sick; she’s just making Buff bake her strawberry shortcake! This, of course, will set up a HUGE babyface turn for Buff, leading to the BAGWELL FAMILY CHAMPIONSHIP MATCH, with him VS the now-healthy mama, at the next family barbeque. ***** Classic, on the way here.
RYAN SHAMROCK: While Sean has Trish, I had Ryan. This girl dehydrated me in the late 90’s. She was everything a man needed – a whore. Now… I don’t remember when we last saw her, for I probably blacked out… So what has the girl been up to, aside from making cameos in my soggy dreams? At last call she was Ken’s girlfriend… and sister. Damn, if there’s one way to screw up those genes, it’s like that. Well, since I have little to go on, we can presume she’s mothering her hideously ugly babies during the day, and stripping during the night, because her brother/hubby is too busy losing to Tito Ortiz to pay the bills. Poor Ryan, get well soon.
MIKE AWESOME: The first time I ever saw this guy, it was New Years Eve 1999, I was babysitting a little 3 year old, and forcing the poor little kid to watch ECW ON TNN! Main Event: MIKE AWESOME VS MASATO TANAKA! The poor kid cried, and cried, and wanted to play Spyro, but by gawd, I WAS IN CHARGE! After royally fucking ECW in the ass, he bolted for WCW… where he got his hair cut off, became Canadian, had sex with fat chicks, and drove the Partridge family bus. Way to trade up, Mike. What has he done since the Invasion, aside from appearing on Velocity a few years back and being in the worst shape ever? Well, form all accounts, Mike has teamed up with fellow wrestling reject, Ed Leslie, in a 2 man off-Broadway comedy show. Now… it only goes on once every 2 years, but the general idea of it is Brutus cutting off Mike’s mullet. (Now you see what it’s so infrequent) From all accounts, it’s well worth the price of admission, which is a non-perishable food item for the Mike & Ed food bank. Good luck, Mike!
BULL BUCHANON: Pffft, who cares.
ERIC ANGLE: We all expected great things from the guy. Look at his brother; it was destiny for him to be great. Right? WRONG. See, Eric kinda sucked. He kinda got injured all the time, and relied on his brother’s amazing awesomeness to give him a sure-shot chance in the WWE. And he got it, and, lo and behold, he’s outta here! See, Eric was good for 1 thing, and 1 thing only. Getting pinned when his brother’s opponent thought it was Kurt, so the Olympic hero could squeeze out a victory. But then, the WWE realised something… “JUST HAVE KURT LOSE!”, and Eric was let go. So what has he doing recently? From all accounts, he’s been sitting bitterly in his room with darts through posters of his brother plastered on the wall, hugging a silver medal he won in a spelling bee, screaming at his mom that he didn’t want to come down for desert because “YOU MADE APPLE PIE AND THAT’S AMERICAN AND KURT IS MORE AMERICAN THAN ME AND YOU LOVE KURT MORE THAN ME!”. Poor Eric. He really is pathetic.
SHANIQUA: Being ‘talented’ member of the worst winners of Tough Enough ever didn’t stop her from being an uber-bitchy doMANatrix. After being sat on by a man (which is funny, because normally it was the other way around) she was sent to OVW, where she promptly hated everyone in the world and got the boot. So has she gone back to whipping penis? Or what about being the token black chick anywhere she goes? No no, Linda Miles is a woman of talent, passion, and appeal... as she’s now a marquee member of ‘The Vagina Monologues’. Listen in awe as she talks at no end about her gaping wide baby-maker, and all the things that she can fit in there. Be dazzled and aroused as she recounts the horrific tale of her on-going fight with her yeast infection. Demand you refund as she treats it. Shaniqua, we’re so proud.
FAAROOQ: Going from court-case blocking champion, to gladiator, all around
to Black Panther leader, then satanist, and finally stopping at redneck hitman, Ron Simmons is what wrestling is all about:
random bullshit. The man with the best catchphrase ever had everything he wanted… except a promising career. So now
that his chance has come, gone, come again, gone, (rinse, repeat), what has he been up to? Unfortunately, I’ve heard
Ron hasn’t taken to his firing well… and has become quite the basket case. Fortunately for him though, Vince has
always been kind to former employees in mental need, and shipped Ron off for Electro-Shock Therapy. Now, he’s no longer
mentally diseased, but that’s because 90% of his brain got mauled by ‘The Shockmaster’. He can now be found
Oh how times change. It’s astonishing to think of where these people would be if they just bit the bullet, and married into the family. Though, in the case of the family, there’s a lot more biting that just that of bullets going on... just ask sizzler. Phew.
had WCW vs. WWF. Every Monday night during the late 90’s these two behemoths battled, pounding out some of the most
captivating and innovative two hours the wrestling world might ever see. Changing the channel to see Mick Foley’s title
win, flicking over to see Rey VS Juvi, it was amazing. When someone would switch over, it was god damned news worthy. It was
a bitter feud, one of which would be nearly impossible to defeat in intensity and fan appeal. So
why is the WWE trying? We
now have Smackdown vs. Raw. When it first started, it was Flair VS McMahon... then Austin up and left, and we were given a
quick fix with McMahon owning both again, and Steph and Bischoff (which is another story in itself) being the ‘general
manager’ of both shows. Bisch has stayed as GM ever since, with only Austin & Foley coming in the scene. Smackdown
has gone from Steph, to Heyman, to Angle, to Teddy Long. When
it first began, the feud was pretty cool. Sure, they were both under the WWE banner, but it was interesting to see who was
on what show. Superstars would trade over, there’d be interesting free agent storylines, and generally, it was all good.
So… what the hell happened? Last
Raw, Kurt Angle attacked HBK. Next Smackdown, HBK attacked Angle. Batista was showing up on Smackdown events for a couple
of weeks. Teddy Long seemingly appears on Raw on will. … So what? Does *anyone* care anymore? Now,
don’t get me wrong. I like the brand split. It may have murdered the tag division, and does sort of ruin the one show’s
joint PPV main event (See: WM21), but I like it for some god damned reason. But, even as a proponent for the thing, I’ll
be the first to admit its lacking. Remember
when Bischoff and 3 Minute Warning showed up on Smackdown during the Billy & Chuck wedding ceremony? Remember how it made
Rico and instant uber-heel? Remember how FUCKING OVER Billy & Chuck were about this? The Smackdown VS Raw feud got BILLY
GUNN AND CHUCK PALUMBO OVER. That’s how good it was folks. Remember how Steph would scream at wrestlers for watching
a tape of Raw, or curse the production truck for showing ads for Raw? This was jus the beginning, but hot damn, this was something
if Vince McMahon and Ted Turner were golfing buddies. Imagine that they got along, and realised that if they worked together,
they could make ass loads of cash. Imagine Steve Austin landing a Stunner on Goldberg after he beat Hogan on Nitro. Imagine
the nWo obliterating Degeneration-X. Imagine the money they could have made of this concept. It’s what the WWE were
starting to duplicate with Smackdown VS Raw. Yet… it hasn’t turned out that way. Why
is this? What suddenly made us stop, and not care? Sure, we can say that both being owned by the same company just gives it
less realism. I don’t really buy into that, though. The feud was new & possibly hot when the split first started.
I think hurt it most, is the WWE’s impatience. This wasn’t a 2 month feud with a quick pay off. This wasn’t
even a 6 month feud with a Wrestlemania main event. This would be an ongoing battle, with surprises, twists, and turns, for
years to come. But… the WWE won’t invest valuable TV time into a feud that won’t pay off for another half
decade or so. But
it’s not the pay off that matters here, folks. It’s keeping interest in a dying product. See… wrestling
has become far too complacent. There was a time when this worked… the days of the AWA, Harley Race, Ric Flair, Ricky
Steamboat, Territories. Wrestling could be all about bad guy VS good guy, for little to no reason. But then, the business
evolved. Some people pushed the envelope. We got ourselves Porn Stars, Tables, Tits, Barbed Wire, Murder, Crotch Chopping…
all given out in a constant stream as fast as the kids with ADD could handle. And by god, it was a rush. And
now, the WWE won the war, and are settling down. But, the fans haven’t. They want something original. We’ve been
teased nudity so much, to the point where we know it’s not happening. We’ve seen the Rule breaking bad ass VS
the arrogant yet durable champion. We’ve seen the manufactured babyfaces. It's 1998 all over again folks, and the WWE
has to wake up to this. And,
when the roster split came, I thought they had. Something new. Something fresh, never been done before. Sure, it was a manufactured
feud, but if given time, it could be enough to bring back the casual fan. However, now we’re stuck with unexplained
roster switches, men running amok on both shows, and a general distaste for the whole scene. So...
what do we do? The way I see it, there are two options. 1) Improve. Have the GMs be strict
on loyalty... Kurt Angle shows up on Raw,
have Teddy Long fine him for giving Raw a ratings Boost. A feud that just
won’t die? Trade a wrestler so the men are separated. Don’t show ‘Raw Rebounds’ on Smackdown.
Make the brands unique, rather than a place with different wrestlers. 2) End it. See,
business is hurting, we all know that. But it seems the WWE aren’t willing to put the long term thought and care into
an angle that is an untapped source. And, that’s just fine... but they can’t continue on it, thinking the way
they have it now is just fine. If due attention is not payed to the brand split, it’s time they end this experiment,
and realise they’re just a bunch of lazy twats. I
want the brand split to succeed. I think in the long run, it would be great for business, and it’s bringing back that
attitude era feel of company feuds as well as they can, for we all know TNA ain’t bringing it. But unfortunately, the
WWE doesn’t want it to do well… and for the life of me, I can’t figure out why. Until
next time folks, send your comments and whatnot to firstname.lastname@example.org, and remember… What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Unless
We had WCW vs. WWF. Every Monday night during the late 90’s these two behemoths battled, pounding out some of the most captivating and innovative two hours the wrestling world might ever see. Changing the channel to see Mick Foley’s title win, flicking over to see Rey VS Juvi, it was amazing. When someone would switch over, it was god damned news worthy. It was a bitter feud, one of which would be nearly impossible to defeat in intensity and fan appeal.
So why is the WWE trying?
We now have Smackdown vs. Raw. When it first started, it was Flair VS McMahon... then Austin up and left, and we were given a quick fix with McMahon owning both again, and Steph and Bischoff (which is another story in itself) being the ‘general manager’ of both shows. Bisch has stayed as GM ever since, with only Austin & Foley coming in the scene. Smackdown has gone from Steph, to Heyman, to Angle, to Teddy Long.
When it first began, the feud was pretty cool. Sure, they were both under the WWE banner, but it was interesting to see who was on what show. Superstars would trade over, there’d be interesting free agent storylines, and generally, it was all good. So… what the hell happened?
Last Raw, Kurt Angle attacked HBK. Next Smackdown, HBK attacked Angle. Batista was showing up on Smackdown events for a couple of weeks. Teddy Long seemingly appears on Raw on will. … So what? Does *anyone* care anymore?
Now, don’t get me wrong. I like the brand split. It may have murdered the tag division, and does sort of ruin the one show’s joint PPV main event (See: WM21), but I like it for some god damned reason. But, even as a proponent for the thing, I’ll be the first to admit its lacking.
Remember when Bischoff and 3 Minute Warning showed up on Smackdown during the Billy & Chuck wedding ceremony? Remember how it made Rico and instant uber-heel? Remember how FUCKING OVER Billy & Chuck were about this? The Smackdown VS Raw feud got BILLY GUNN AND CHUCK PALUMBO OVER. That’s how good it was folks. Remember how Steph would scream at wrestlers for watching a tape of Raw, or curse the production truck for showing ads for Raw? This was jus the beginning, but hot damn, this was something new.
Imagine if Vince McMahon and Ted Turner were golfing buddies. Imagine that they got along, and realised that if they worked together, they could make ass loads of cash. Imagine Steve Austin landing a Stunner on Goldberg after he beat Hogan on Nitro. Imagine the nWo obliterating Degeneration-X. Imagine the money they could have made of this concept. It’s what the WWE were starting to duplicate with Smackdown VS Raw. Yet… it hasn’t turned out that way.
Why is this? What suddenly made us stop, and not care? Sure, we can say that both being owned by the same company just gives it less realism. I don’t really buy into that, though. The feud was new & possibly hot when the split first started.
What I think hurt it most, is the WWE’s impatience. This wasn’t a 2 month feud with a quick pay off. This wasn’t even a 6 month feud with a Wrestlemania main event. This would be an ongoing battle, with surprises, twists, and turns, for years to come. But… the WWE won’t invest valuable TV time into a feud that won’t pay off for another half decade or so.
But it’s not the pay off that matters here, folks. It’s keeping interest in a dying product. See… wrestling has become far too complacent. There was a time when this worked… the days of the AWA, Harley Race, Ric Flair, Ricky Steamboat, Territories. Wrestling could be all about bad guy VS good guy, for little to no reason. But then, the business evolved. Some people pushed the envelope. We got ourselves Porn Stars, Tables, Tits, Barbed Wire, Murder, Crotch Chopping… all given out in a constant stream as fast as the kids with ADD could handle. And by god, it was a rush.
And now, the WWE won the war, and are settling down. But, the fans haven’t. They want something original. We’ve been teased nudity so much, to the point where we know it’s not happening. We’ve seen the Rule breaking bad ass VS the arrogant yet durable champion. We’ve seen the manufactured babyfaces. It's 1998 all over again folks, and the WWE has to wake up to this.
And, when the roster split came, I thought they had. Something new. Something fresh, never been done before. Sure, it was a manufactured feud, but if given time, it could be enough to bring back the casual fan. However, now we’re stuck with unexplained roster switches, men running amok on both shows, and a general distaste for the whole scene.
So... what do we do? The way I see it, there are two options.
1) Improve. Have the GMs be strict on loyalty... Kurt Angle shows up on Raw, have Teddy Long fine him for giving Raw a ratings Boost. A feud that just won’t die? Trade a wrestler so the men are separated. Don’t show ‘Raw Rebounds’ on Smackdown. Make the brands unique, rather than a place with different wrestlers.
2) End it.
See, business is hurting, we all know that. But it seems the WWE aren’t willing to put the long term thought and care into an angle that is an untapped source. And, that’s just fine... but they can’t continue on it, thinking the way they have it now is just fine. If due attention is not payed to the brand split, it’s time they end this experiment, and realise they’re just a bunch of lazy twats.
I want the brand split to succeed. I think in the long run, it would be great for business, and it’s bringing back that attitude era feel of company feuds as well as they can, for we all know TNA ain’t bringing it. But unfortunately, the WWE doesn’t want it to do well… and for the life of me, I can’t figure out why.
Until next time folks, send your comments and whatnot to email@example.com, and remember… What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Unless it’s amputation.
It is a melancholy object to those who watch these great wrestling programs, the false finishes, the glass ceiling, crowded with nameless divas who’s sole purpose seems to be to wear skimpy tops, followed by three, four, five or even six Hurricane squashes, to which these jobbers, instead of being able to perform to their best of their ability, are forced to lose to lesser talented men for the protection of their careers; which will either get shit canned because ‘creative can’t think of anything for them’, or leave their dear native WWE to fight in the independents, or even worse: TNA.
I think it is agreed upon all parties that the number of Charlie Haas’, Rene Duprees, Roseys, and Mavens, in the present deplorable state of the WWE is a burden on this once great kingdom; and therefore any method of disposing the future of these worthless hacks is in the best interest of the company.
But my intention extends far beyond the individuals themselves, but in turn helps the fortunate sons and chosen ones of this promised land, and will take into effect the people that support these talent less men and ostracize them from our product.
As my own part, having enjoyed your product for many years, and influenced heavily by what your announcers shill, I have always found them grossly redundant and impractical. It is true that a new wrestler, fresh of their debut, can survive a disgraceful solar year on little more than cheap pops and the all-too-common ‘rookie’ angle. It is exactly one year after their birth onto our eyes in which I propose my grandiose idea, for it is after then when the crowd reactions need to be forced and are a burden upon the parent company, not willing to deal with the idea of keeping their performers over.
There is likewise another great advantage to my subsequent plan, in which it will prevent wrestlers from leaving the company before the WWE can bastardize their entire career by tarnishing their reputation.
The number of wrestlers on the roster I estimate to be approximately one hundred, growing because of ‘farm leagues’ such as OVW and other independents. Of the men added, I predict there to be 40 wrestlers currently able to be an active mainstay on either Smackdown or Raw. Subtract 10 for contractual releases, and we are left with 30 performers, all of whom will become a burden upon the WWE in keeping them over, which as I mentioned before, is a near impossibility given the state of egos.
I am assured by track records of young WWE talent leaving their duties that they are not an attractive commodity elsewhere in the wrestling world.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
I have been assured by a very knowing World Heavyweight champion of my acquaintance in Stamford that a young man’s hopeful career is delicious served on a House Show, Raw, Pay-per-view, or even backstage segment, and I make no doubt it would be served just as well back stage controlling politics.
I do therefore humbly offer it to Mr. McMahon’s consideration to feed these remaining 30 young hopeful’s promising careers directly into the egos of men protecting their spot. In the final month before their demolishment of their superiors, they shall receive a push to make the established star’s victory seem that much more impressive. One young blue chipper’s career will last a storyline until the next Pay-Per-View, and afterwards can always be re-hashed for a quick fix main-event.
The burial of talented worked is in season all year, but more plentiful in March, for it is Wrestlemania, where men who do not travel the grueling schedule or help the company in any way shape or form get their spot on the biggest pay off pay per view of the year, while they sit backstage and are forced to congratulate a man they have little to no connection with.
I have calculated the cost at which establishing a feud to last until the next pay per view will be upon the men who will walk out victorious. It may simply be forcing them to be in the same ring with the inevitable loser while they cut a hallow promo, or as far as actually losing to them on a broadcast in a tag team match.
Those who are thrifty may fire the worker after his loss, becoming nothing more than a name on a t-shirt.
A highly acclaimed champion, a true lover of the company, whose virtues are highly repetitive, was lately pleased in discussing the finer details of this plan. He said that many jobbers of this company, being desperate to keep their employment, could easily be convinced to lose to him or a man such as in his position in a squash match. Despite my enormous respect for this man, my feelings cannot be completely shared, for it has been found that the longer this man has had a poor success record, the less a victory means… and to suddenly push them to make them seem like a threat would do little good.
But in order to justify my friend, he admitted the idea was put into his head by Dusty Rhodes, a native of the old NWA days. Dusty said that when an up and comer was on his way to championship success, he would immediately squash the poor chap in hopes of extending his ailing drawing power. Neither can I deny that if the same methods were employed today, there would be the same, lucrative, results.
There are many people who cry foul upon the veterans of this treatment, such as your Chris Jericho, who’s inability to ever be able to look credible have maimed his once shining career. But I am not in the least bit pained by this matter, for it is well known that Chris, or men like him, are diseased by their superiors, and it is just a matter of time before they are all but an after thought.
I have for too long have digressed. I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.
For first, as I have already observed, it would greatly reduce the number of jobbers in which our company is over run, and whose subsequent tag teams only form more jobbers, thus tarnishing the appeal to the common fan.
Secondly, the poor bastards having to do the job will have something to value, which is their placement on WWE’s Raw against Triple H in the first hour main event, in which they get pedigreed on the ramp in a no contest.
Thirdly, as the company will no longer have to struggle to keep many men over with the crowd, the men who do not get fed shall have more time to become more over, increasing the stock of the business.
Fourthly, the farm systems will be rid of these up and comers, making room for them to work ever so dearly hard and getting new ones over and trained.
Fifthly, these subsequent jobs will be commonplace on Raw and Smackdown, where the viewers will feel justified in know their champion can beat anyone in less than 2 minutes.
Sixthly, this would be a great inducement into kissing as much ass as humanly possible, as instead of being fed to your superiors, you just might become on of the said superiors yourself, greatly benefiting the former jobber.
Many other advantages may be enumerated, such as the exportation of these talents into smaller ponds for a fee, improvement in the art of taking a Pedigree, distraction from unwanted jobs by men we are far too complacent with, which are in no way comparable to a nice, juicy young career waiting to be destroyed. But this, and many others I omit, for the sakes of being brief.
Supposing that 10 superiors of this company would be recipients of the young careers, I figure the company shall be rid of approximately 40 careers each year, leaving room for others to gain exposure and continue the cycle.
I can think of no objection that will possibly be raised against this proposal. I desire the reader will observe that I calculate my remedy for this one individual World Wrestling Entertainment, and for no other that ever was, is, or, I think, ever can be upon the rest of the wrestling world. Therefore let no man talk to me of other expedients: Creating new superstars to replace the aging and less drawing stars of today, pushing men who despite your best attempts remain over with the crowd, listening to fan reactions, using common logical sense in booking matches, stopping the requirement for all veterans to ‘get their job back’, the creation of NEW and unique gimmicks, unlike the rehashed ones we are seeing far too much of. Of teaching bookers to have at least one degree of decency towards men’s careers and appearances. Of letting Paul Heyman back on the booking team, on limiting Stephanie McMahon’s power, on firing Brian Gertwitz, replacing an aging Raw broadcast team, retiring men such as Ric Flair who serve little to no purpose anymore, of pushing your world class cruiserweight division beyond Velocity, of creating new tag teams that have a reason for being together and not simply relying on makeshift teams.
Therefore I repeat, let no man talk to me of these and the like expedients, 'till he hath at least some glimpse of hope, that there will ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them into practice.
But as to myself, weary form years of offering such expedients to a listless and unreceptive audience which is the WWE, I fell upon this plan why watching the product displayed before my eyes, and realized the trend that is beginning need only continue, and increase in intensity.
After all, I am not so stubborn upon to have my opinions rejected by wise men, but before something of that kind be offered in rejection of my scheme, please entertain two thoughts. One, being given the state we are in now, with the constant burial of talented workers and out of control egos at the top of the ladder, how would even MORE powerless and broken careers be possibly supported. And secondly, given the state that approximately 60 workers currently on the active roster now have little to no hope for any real success, imagine explaining it to their future coworkers there is not enough room for them at the top, for they have yet to be there. If these problems are treated in the manner I describe, these issues will erase themselves.
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the least personal interest in endeavoring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the public good of my company, by advancing our burials, giving new hopefuls false pushes, and feeding the massive egos of the current superiors. I cannot offer this, however, for I am an age old Veteran, who’s Wrestlemania win streak of 12-0 is past deniability.
If there’s one thing that will forever draw me into watching a wrestling show, its new wrestlers. I don’t know why, but when ever I know there’s a new guy debuting, I watch. Now, I know I’m not the only one… and, frankly, this is a little scary. When’s the last ‘debut’ that spawned a good wrestler? The only man (men) that have proven me anything are Haas & Benjamin... who received NO hype what so ever. I’d say Ultimo, but the guy never got a chance. So how do these shitty workers we get hyped up for pull us in to waste our precious time? Today, I’m going to explore the wonderful world of new wrestlers... and probably shit all over them.
The first thing that a debuting wrestler gets is the vignettes. I love these things. They shape the characters, and are vital. To exclude a wrestler from these, I feel, is damaging their career from the beginning. Now... it seems, for some reason, the WWE always give the vignettes to the guys that won’t get over on ring talent. Mordecai, Hassan, Suzuki, Nathan Jones, Sean O’Haire, Goldberg, Steiner, Heidenreich… all of em had great vignettes that were well produced and served their purpose very well. I suppose this is smart by the WWE, getting their ‘lesser’ talent over before the fans realise they suck, but... they shouldn’t exclude people just because they’re talented.
Usually, the co-worker interactment is next. Some of the more famous ones, in my book, are Spanky’s
attempts to impress Steph,
There are a few things I look forward to the most when a new wrestler is debuting. One, his theme music/entrance. While I doubt Chris Masters will amount to much, I have to say I like video and pyro. And two, the finisher- to me, one of the most important things about a wrestler. I’m really getting tired of wrestlers with no set finishing sequence. Back in the day, when Bret Hart was in the middle of the Five Moves of DOOM, you knew what he was working towards. But, during a Heidenreich match… god forbid you can sit through it… you don’t know exactly what the hell he’s going to do. I feel this is a shame, for we’ve seen wrestlers get over purely on their kick ass finishers… *cough*PETEYWILLIAMS*cough.
Now… I know there’s little evidence my way in the “New wrestlers are hopeless”
tirade. Look at the following names…
I must say, my attitude about new wrestlers is horrible. I get all hyped up for their music, entrance, and all that… but then, when I realise they’re not triple jump moonsaulting into a Bridging tiger suplex, I think they blow nuts and should die. But, as time has proven, you just gotta have faith. Say what you will about Randy Orton, but as a heel, the guy is damn entertaining, and is more than acceptable in the ring. Who would have thought *that* of the kid who was jobbing out to Reverend D-von every week on Smackdown? Or when trunks and boots John Cena, after his stunningly good match with Angle, forced the entire IWC to hate him for beating Chris Jericho on PPV, turned into the next potential true superstar... With a rapping gimmick, no less?
What it comes down to, is the WWE is trying. I really think they want their new talent to catch on, but are trying to think outside the box in ways for them to get over. The WWE have done the Goldberg-character (See: Brock Lesnar), we don’t need another... and the WWE knows that. I feel that the WWE gets a bad rap for rehashing characters, when we completely shit on the new ones they throw at us. I might be a masochist, but am I the *only* one who wanted to see Hirohito? Or Unfrozen Nazi Heidenreich? Sure, they sound like shit, but they’re DIFFERENT. And, for this, I commend the WWE. I truly feel that some people in that company are attempting to capture fans like never before. They just haven’t yet.
Wrestlemania is this weekend. The superbowl of wrestling is comin’ around the bend for lap 21. Now… we all have our own ideas on what will happen, and how it will go down. To do this, we apply our logic, our smark-ness, and a little bit of wishful thinking. Now… the followin’ ain’t your ordinary Wrestlemania prediction column… for I toss all those tools out the window, and replace my predictions with PURE AWESOMENESS. Folks, here is THE WHITE VANS AND CANDY DREAM WRESTLEMANIA 21!
Eddie Guerrero VS Rey Mysterio
all likelihood, this’ll be curtain jerkin’. Now, of course, we can expect a stellar match here, but is that what
we really want? A match that blows our shorts off? NO! What we want from these two, is a gimmick match! Now, over the years,
racial stereotypes have played a big part in the WWE. Iron Sheik, The Un-Americans, Salvatore Sincere, Muhammed Hassan…
you name it, the WWE has made fun of their country. I think the WWE should seriously apply this time-tested formula to this
match... and a touch of realism. I say, screw the ring, we need a swimming pool. In it, lace some underwater mines, and the
coast guard. (Maybe we can get Captain Lou riding Tugboat!) The first man to reach the other side of the swimming pool not
only wins the match, but gets to stay in
Women's Championship: Christy vs. Trish
They say Wrestlemania is the granddaddy of them all. So… say I had my granddaddy, watching the granddaddy of em all… surely, the man needs to be excited. And, I think that these two girls can provide us with that. However, it IS a wrestling program, so it can’t be straight up (PUN!) lesbian porn. I’m praying for thumb wrestling here. The girls thumb wrestle, and the winner gets to have the loser sexually pleasure her. At which point, I’ll start to thumb wrestle myself. (OK. SO I USED THIS ENTIRE PARAGRAPH TO BUILD UP TO THAT HORRIBLE JOKE. SUE ME.)
Sumo Match: Big Show vs. Akebono
Two of the largest athletes in the world competing on the largest stage of them all. How epic! Who wouldn’t want to pay to see two immense men in China-Thongs belly bumping?! Well, I for one, and while I know I’m the massive minority on this one, am not. However, that’s not to say these men don’t have a spot on my dream Wrestlemania card.. they just have it in a different way. See, fat people are good for two things in this world – 1) Making big ass cannonballs when diving into a pool, and 2) coming in dead last in marathons, thus making me look SPECTACULAR. Now, I wouldn’t want to over-do the pool gimmick, so I think they should do the impossible in this match – force both men to SPRINT to the ring! Then, they have them run through an obstacle course, where inevitably, both men get stuck in tires…and then they roll themselves into McDonalds or something. I don’t care; I just wanna see em break a rope swing.
Randy Orton VS The Undertaker
‘Legend VS Legend Killer’? More like ‘Protective old man VS Over-pushed dickhead’. That said, I’m not a fan of this match… so something has to be done about it. Both have had something they didn’t deserve – The World Title… yet, they don’t anymore. So, I figure they should apply the same logic to someone other things they don’t deserve. I say these two men fight without a future, their fame, and most of all, oxygen! Thus, we will have a first ever GAS CHAMBER HOBO SURVIVAL MATCH! Vince, I’m telling you... BUYRATES.
Piper’s Pit: Special Guest, Stone Cold Steve Austin
of the most controversial men in the wrestling business, with LIVE MICS~! During WRESTLEMANIA! What will they say? Frankly,
I don’t know, and I don’t care.. if they’re sober. BUT! If
Money-In-The-Bank Ladder Match
The laziest match idea of em all here. You have six talented members of your world class roster, but are too lazy to make an *actual* storyline for them... so danger their careers! Well, people complain that WWE is too fake to take seriously, so I say, add some realism to this match. Right below the prize, I say they construct a glass ceiling! How’s that for life imitating art? Now, you may say this match would be impossible to win… and you’d be right. This match wouldn’t have any winners; they’d just fight until everyone is injured. While some people (I’m looking at you, Edge) will achieve this without problem, the men in this match are pretty safe workers. Therefore, I say we toss Ol’ Clown Shoes himself, Ahmed Johnson, in the match to break some necks! This will truly go down as the most realistic match in WWE history, if I had my way.
Kurt Angle vs. Shawn Michaels
I don’t think this feud or match can be good enough just on what they’ve done so far… so, I propose this. It’s no big secret that both HBK and Angle are devout Christians. The WWE is well known for pushing the boundaries of society and being on the cutting edge of our psyches. I say, they battle in a Crucifixion match! The loser is the first man tied to a Crucifix! Or… umm, a symbol. Yeah, symbol. Both these men are already fighting for their pride, their heritage, and their legacy… imagine if they were fighting for their god! Of course, after the fans demand it, Vince will assume the role of Pilate and deem it to be ‘un-sanctioned’. The great thing about this match, is even the loser is a winner, for he instantly becomes a martyr! Now, it’ll have to be 2 our of 3 falls... cause, you know, the whole... dying and coming back to life thing. (And how fitting that it’s near Easter!) But really… if they god it up a notch here, I really think the WWE can claim that ever-so-vital 18-34 Bible Thumping wrestling fan bracket! And maybe then the PTC will get off their case!
WWE Championship: John Cena vs. JBL
idea for this feud is tired… arrogant and lucky champion VS tough everyman. To
really get the people interested the WWE need to change the angle for this fight. I say, with Bradshaw’s history in
Goose-stepping, they introduce Jonathan Cenaweitz: Jewish Rapper! The build can have Cena looking for JBL in his version of
World Heavyweight Championship: Batista vs. Triple H
My *real* dream for this match is Christian to come to the ring, beat the fuck out of both men, and take the title. But, that’s not funny – so, I’ll pretend I want something else to happen. Something like … THE CAVEMAN CHALLENGE! See… both men exude qualities of the Cro-Magnon. Triple H has the facial features down to a science, and DAVE SMASH GO BOOM! I say the two men first have a race to invent the impossible for them… no, not the wheel, but a new move set! Then, they will hunt the Wooly Mammoth himself, a returning A-Train! Finally, the man who manages to club the other man into unconsciousness will drag them to the back, and proceed to make them their bride. On live TV. Over, and over again. Of course... for this match to go down, Snitsky MUST make it a triple threat, otherwise it has no integrity. Just like the HBK/Angle match will draw in the Bible thumping demographic, this match will draw in the 30000-1000000 year old Homo erectus group… which now consists of Pat Paterson & my grandfather.
folks, there you have it. Now.. come Sunday, after watching Mania, look back on it, and think of how great it could have been
if *I* was in charge. Imagine the moments you would have had, clutching your pillow as Cena endures Bradshaw’s lethal
‘Gas Chamber’ submission. Fantasize about Eddie Guerrero clobbering Rey Mysterio with a lawn mower. Sleep away
to the thought of Roddy Piper crooning Whitney Houston’s “I will always love you” to a blubbering Warrior
and a passed out
And now for something completely different.
Ring of Honor. It’s been
discussed all over the IWC. Many herald it as the best promotion in
See… even as a diehard WWE fan, I’m willing to admit it has flaws. One of the biggest I see is the actual wrestling. It’s solid, but very rarely is it enthralling. They tell a story in the ring, albeit a simple one. Ring of Honor is a different story. Much more respect is given to matches and workers. Titles mean something. Main events are god damn main events.
So… am I an ROH mark? No way in hell.
I’ve seen a bunch of ROH stuff. Most of it was pretty good. Some stuff blew me away. Some stuff like Jack Evans’ 630, Samoa Joe VS CM Punk II, Homicide’s awesome heel turn, Alex Shelley’s pure wickedness. There’s a lot I could list off, and honestly, it beats the hell out of most the WWE stuff. So… what gives?
I could also stand here and list off the things wrong with it. Rob Feinstein. Production values. ‘Ring of Hardcore’. Inconsistancy. But… that’s not what I want to talk about.
Recently, Stevie Richards appeared
on a ROH show. Mick Foley and Ricky Steamboat had a nice program going on. Eddie Guerrero appeared there during his rehab.
John Walters has appeared on WWE television a few times. Popular ROH workers, Spanky & Paul
Now, I know I’m not the first one to say this, but I’ll be damned if Vince isn’t supporting Ring of Honor.
The way I see it, is Vince is
a smart man. Vince knows ROH offers a different product. A product that’s gotten very over within a select group of
people. A product that isn’t being offered anywhere else in
On the Rise & Fall of ECW DVD, Vince finally admitted to having Paul Heyman on the WWE payroll. Listen to what Vince said about ECW… the same things could be said about ROH.
I’m not the first one to suggest this, but I feel there must be a linkage between ROH and WWE. Vince & Co. MUST be silent partners, throwing ROH cash to balance out the fact that the WWE will steal their top stars. Despite all the rumours about Vince, if the guy likes you, he’ll be compassionate.
So, I wonder where all this is
going. We have two products whose hardcore fan bases don’t like each other. We have two very different products being
offered, but, somehow, the wrestlers are supposed to be able to transition from one to the other? Weeeelll…. (TM Dusty),
take a step back. Look at what’s come out of ROH. Spanky & Paul London. Rumors are flying that the WWE has their
sights on CM Punk and Samoa Joe, and they’ve been using John Walters on TV, as with Matt Stryker, and they’ve
got an open contract offer with Bryan Danielson, as long as he gets a hairstyle & tan (HAH). NOW… take a look at
OVW. Who’s come out of there? Batista, Cena, Orton, Haas & Benjamin, Conway, Dupree, Grenier, Hassan, Heidenreich,
I truly feel the WWE isn’t as dumb as it looks. Because, quite frankly, to the average smark, it’s god damned retarded. It’s taken them a while, but I feel they are finally preparing for the future in a better way now, by supporting indy talent. Hell, a few months ago, Vince gave Bill Behrens a brand new, WWE size, ring. Despite dropping UPW as a training facility a few years back, the two companies are still on good terms, and do business with each other. Hell, their biggest enemy would be TNA, to which Vince has even said he wishes them to succeed, for the business needs the Monday Night War attitude.
What it all comes down to is
Vince is smart. All the positive press about ROH’s product was not going to slip underneath his nose. Look at the talent
Vince has for a second. Benoit, Angle, Guerrero,
Think back to Wrestlemania 13.
You can think I’m contradicting myself here, by saying superb wrestlers don’t draw... but yet... ROH is full of them. But, you have to realize, ROH draws a hardcore crowd. They LOVE the ROH product. People come from miles around to see ROH. They’ve tapped into a demographic that the WWE was purposely avoiding. ROH’s fans don’t fit in with the WWE’s demographic, for the simple reason, that if they please the ROH Wrestling fans, they’re not pleasing the much larger fan base who wants to see Sports Entertainment.
So there you have it. The White Vans & Candy look at the ROH and WWE link. Now, if any of you ROH marks want to point out inaccuracies, or anyone in general wants to comment about this, shoot me an email at firstname.lastname@example.org . Until next time kiddos.
Hiya folks. You know, as I flopped ideas around for my next column, I discovered something: I fucking suck at coming up with column ideas. Sooo, out of the blue, I just decided, I’m going to devote the next thousand words to WRESTLING HEADLINES THAT WOULD BE SWEET.
-Randy Orton Poops in Big Show’s Bag. He had no children.
I think they really could make an awesome character out of Randy’s pooping business. Instead of spitting in faces, he’s squatting in feces. The WWE truly lacks a scat-man. I think Randy could fill the void (that lies in the gym bag) easily. Not to mention Big Show’s past with poop (See: Eddie Guerrero VS Big Show, US Title feud), and this would enrage the big man.
- Fans discover "Rey Mysterio" has been over a dozen 13 year old Mexican kids with ADD
I swear, no one can be above the age of 20 and be THAT FREAKIN TINY. I truly think Rey Rey is multiple children who probably were circus clowns or something. I mean, honestly people. The WWE MUST be applying the Lassie theorem here. .. Now that’s a photoshop waiting to happen.
- Ric Flair melts into a puddle of primitive sludge
It’s not that hard to picture. The guy is getting his ass kicked by gravity right now. And, at his age, and the fact he’s still in the ring semi-regularly, his bones must have the strength of soggy waffles. I can honestly picture the guy, after taking a back drop landing... and squishing all over the place, held together simply by his worn leathery skin. The scary thing? I masturbate to this thought.
-Steve Austin hits his girlfriend after finding she had a penis
Now this would be an acceptable excuse for domestic battery. With the fucked up life Stone Cold now leads, I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that he’d gotten shit-faced and went home with some woman… only to discover to morning after, she was better hung than he. Now, this couldn’t happen to some people... like say, Nathan Jones… for one of Rey Mysterio’s clones, whose testicles haven’t dropped yet, are still better hung than the The Anti-Colossus of Testicles & Choad.
- Rob Van Dam buys a van and goes on the road solving Mysteries with his pet dog
I can’t help to think that RVD is Wrestling’s Shaggy. There’s the whole "dude" thing, and the "I don’t say I smoke weed, but y’all know I do"... those are givens. However, the most compelling evidence has yet to be placed forward. RVD stays over despite his inability to win matches. Shaggy stayed in the gang, despite his inability to be useful. The two are mirror images of each other… which TRIPS THE HELL OUT OF THEM, MAN
- JBL found guilty of insider trading, going to prison
First Martha, and next is Jibble. I’m willing to bet he knew in advance that his stock was worthless. (Look for the joke. Trust me, it’s there. … Honestly.) Now, the authorities will get all up in him, which is ironic. He’ll be charted off to prison, where in a perfect world, he’d be a cell mate with Nailz… and the two would trade stories about beating Vince. Nails, of course, for punching the guy and JBL would tell stories of how he beat Vince off to get the longest title run in ages.
- Management pulls head out of its own ass, Gives Christian the World Title forever.
- No fans show up for Smackdown house show, Eddie Guerrero blames himself
I’ve always wondered what would happen if no one, absolutely no one, showed up to a wrestling event. Now... I’ve been to a few indy shows with a crowd of a dozen or so... but… NO ONE? Would the wrestlers bother cutting promos, have facial expressions, or play to the crowd? I think this has happened before though… for it was at these shows, management decided to push Mark Jindrak. Well... he WAS getting the same pops as John Cena, after all.
- Val Venis starts crying mid match
Poor Val. Back in the Attitude era, he was a mainstay in the upper mid Card, with European and Intercontinental title runs. His gimmick was over, and the guy could wrestle with the best of 'me. The guy was a ‘can’t miss prospect’. Then... umm… people stopped caring. Completely. And, I can see Val realizing this while jobbing to Viscera, and just cry. And cry. And cry. And he’d never be seen again.
- Stephanie and Triple H have child, it is immediately euthanized.
Seriously folks, it could happen. If you thought Trips thought Jericho was trying to take his spot, imagine his baby! First there’d be the whole ‘he gets to suck on Steph’s boobs’ thing... but then, the baby would start to eat all the food (which would make Steph IRATE) and it would start getting popular. Trips & Steph would both collectively decide that burying the baby right beside Booker T’s career is the best choice.
- Gene Snitsky (you like the transition in topics?) to star in Encino Man 2
King Acne has a natural charisma about him that makes you want to laugh in his face… and, I feel, he could profit off of this. Imagine if you will... Pauly Shore showing Gene-o how to enjoy donuts. The mental images are sensational. And plus… he has the whole ‘prehistoric’ look mastered. I’m telling you, it’s a natural fit.
Alrighty folks… you’ve had enough fun. I’m cutting you off from my awesome wrestling headlines… you can only take so much. Though, don’t worry, they’ll be back another day… just like a Mark Jindrak push. (Ok, I’m sorry. I mentioned Generic Hoss v.4323 TWICE in this column. That’s uncalled for, and I’m sorry. Please forgive.)
WWE Corporate Headquarters
Attention: The office of Vince McMahon
Send this article to Vinny Mac. Show him how it’s done. Let’s turn this lonely White Van into the LEX EXPRESS!
EVERYBODY LOVES HUNTER
Synopsis: In the ring, Hunter is a ruthless and brutal main eventer wrestler of the highest calibre… but outside of the ring, he’s the sheepish and mild mannered man his wife Stephanie fell in love with. Armed with wits sharp as razors, their banter never fails to deliver comedic goods. However, all is not well in paradise... for Stephanie’s parents, and Hunter’s bosses, over zealous Vince and dead pan Linda, live RIGHT NEXT DOOR! Imagine, if you will, the following!
“Doug & The Slugs” cover Motorhead’s ‘The Game’ as the title music. The opening sequence has hilarious, yet endearing clips of Hunter, Steph, Vince, Linda & Pat Patterson (‘Uncle Gay’) at their finest.
*Knock Knock Knock*
Hunter: Huh? Wuzzat.
Steph: The... door… can you get it honey?
*Hunter grumbles, and turns on a light, revealing the fact he sleeps with the World Heavyweight title around his waist… and nothing more…and walks down stairs, grumbling*
Hunter: It’s 4 AM… who could it be?
*Insert laugh track*
Hunter: Hey Vince… what is it?
Vince: Just wanted to interrupt you and my daughter having sex!
Comedic banter like this and so much more will be shown on EVERYBODY LOVES HUNTER! Combine this with the a multitude of hilarious cameos, and EVERYBODY LOVES HUNTER will have you in stitches!
*Hunter enters from the back yard*
Hunter: Steph, honey… didn’t you hire a new gardener?
Stephanie: Why of course… heck, he should be here any minute…
Eddie Guerrero: Ola, holmes! I’m here to cut your grass, essai!
Hunter: EDDIE GUERRERO?!!
Stephanie: Those signs in the audience can’t be wrong!
Hunter: But… he’s never jobbed to me! …
*Stephanie passes Hunter a sledge hammer, and conks Eddie. Hunter covers him for a 3 count.*
EVERYBODY LOVES HUNTER promises to deliver comedy not seen since the days of Katie Vick! Let’s not forget about the Sibling rivalry when Stephanie’s brother, Shane comes into town for a visit!
Shane: This turkey is great, sis.
Stephanie: I deep fried it!
Shane: Uhh… that isn’t too healthy…
Stephanie: ARE YOU CALLING ME FAT? WELL?
Shane: No, I’m just…
*Hunter grabs a sledge hammer from under the table, and conks Shane. Hunter covers him for a 3 count.*
And let us not forget the most factual, and un-biased view of the WWE Locker room you’ll ever find, as EVERYBODY LOVES HUNTER shows the Champ himself behind the scenes!
*A noisy locker room full of laughter and cheer is the scene when Ric Flair bursts in playing Hunter’s theme Song on a Ghetto-Blaster.. the entire locker goes quiet, and solemnly bows*
Hunter: Greetings, friends!
Locker Room: Greetings, Champion.
Hunter: I spat my water quite well tonight, no?
Locker Room: Yes, Champion.
Hunter: Who’s jobbing to me tonight, anyways?
Chris Jericho: That’d be me, Champion.
Hunter: Ah yes. For the finish, I want to Pedigree you on top of a Bengal Tiger.
Chris Jericho: That’s insane, Champion!
Hunter: DO YOU DARE DISCREDIT THE MIND OF THE GAME?
Chris Jericho: But… they’re an endangered species…
Hunter: As are you, you VANILLA MIDGET! VINCE!
*Vince power struts into the room*
Vince: Chris Jericho.. YERRR FIRED!!!
*Chris looks dejected*
*Entire locker room bursts into laughter... nervously*
EVERYBODY LOVES HUNTER redefines the modern era of Television that is sure to draw viewers! And if it doesn’t it’s because these things move in a cycle! Yeah!
EVERYBODY LOVES HUNTER… coming this fall, to replace WWE Raw… but we’ll doubt most people will notice.
May, 2005. The sun was setting on another mild evening. The skies had an air of importance about them. A small collective of slightly obese men with an apparent lack of hygiene strolled up the hills of suburban British Columbia. There was a spotlight roaming the skies, and these people were attracted to it. They all knew what it meant. It was a gathering unlike the world had ever seen... for it was here, where the wicked shall be punished… and the good shall be rewarded… in the WHITE VANS AND CANDY PRESENTS: RAVEN OR MAVEN.
Let me explain the process. I fucking love Raven... while his in ring talents may never have been superb, he could cut a promo like no one else, had amazing psychology, and he can draw such emotion out of his audience. Then... we have Maven. All he’s good at is a dropkick. … So guess which one is bad, and which one is good. And no… I totally didn’t steal this concept from 411. No way. Never.
THE OBVIOUS RAVEN LIST
Christian: By god, the guy is getting over. He’s the heel the fans adore. He can have a clean loss, and it doesn’t hurt him what so ever. He’s one of the best wrestlers in the WWE, natural on the mic, and just has a presence about him that makes you want to hug and stab him at the same time.
There are segments that make an imprint on the mind of fans... Austin’s King of The Ring speech, Mick Foley’s ‘I’m Hardcore’ speeches, Ric Flair returns to Nitro, Rock: This is your life… and Christian and Vince at MSG, I feel, will be another one.
Christian is everything a chickenshit heel should be, and so much more. Everything this guy touches turns to gold. I’ve been a fan of his for years, and as he’s hitting his stride now, everyone else is seeing the light as well.
Eddie Guerrero/Rey Mysterio: What started off as a simple jealousy angle has turned into something special. We’ve seen this before, but not pulled off quite so well since, I feel, Bret & Owen. Eddie has been nothing short of PERFECT in his cold, ruthless, ice man role, and Rey, while not being much to scream about on the mic, has played off Eddie so well.
Lots of people felt it necessary to shit on their Wrestlemania match, and I hope you all realize now that said match was just the beginning. Of course they could give us more… they respected each other then. They were friends, they didn’t want to hurt each other... they just wanted to win. Now, it’s going to get ugly, in the most beautiful sense of the term. Their inevitable match is going to be stellar, I have little doubt.
This angle goes to show that angles CAN be recycled… as long as they’re pulled off well. These two men have done it better than I could have ever dreamed, and for one have got me started watching Smackdown again.
Shelton Benjamin: I challenge you to find a more entertaining wrestler than Mr. Benjamin here. To me, he’s a modern day Shawn Michaels, or a technically sound RVD. His match with HBK this past week on Raw was spectacular… and left you wanting more.
The guy has some damn innovative spots, no doubt. But what’s so spectacular about them is how well they’re pulled off. They’re no injuries when you’re wrestling Shelton Benjamin... there is only a crispness and fluidity in which legends are made of.
Say what you will about his weak mic skills. The fact is he’s that good in the ring to warrant an upper mid card/main event position is a testament to how much of a talent he is.
THE OBVIOUS MAVEN LIST
The Diva Search… 2!: Ok. So let me get this straight. You run a contest for young attractive females, where the winner gets a contract with your wrestling company... even though you just end up hiring the whole bunch of em anyways. Your fans & staff revolt and the only people that think it’s a good idea are the people ruining your company.
SO LETS DO IT ALL OVER AGAIN.
Now… I can understand that you’d want to run this again, for ratings went up last time. However… guys, it was summer. No Monday night football. No Spongebob. No Apprentice. You’re about the only original weekly programming out there. For years, you know your casual fans come back in the summer. And sure, who doesn’t like looking at pretty boobies. But… if I was a casual fan… I’d want to see what I’m expecting: WRESTLING.
Anyways, this idea blows. Hard.
JBL VS JOHN CENA- I QUIT MATCH: SO… Wrestlemania. Your biggest pay per view of the year. This was widely considered to be your ‘second’ main event. However… time was running a little short. So… what do you do? Trim down the time on your women’s match, or pointless Sumo match? Ask Triple H to walk faster than Freddie Blassie during his intro? No, YOU CUT A MAIN EVENT TO BE 10 MINUTES.
And... Frankly, what we saw was hideous. Say what you will about Akebono VS Big Show: At least it was kept shorter than this. The fact is, the match was the worst on the card. Both men need someone to carry them, and based on match quality, it had no place on A WRESTLEMANIA CARD.
So… then there’s the brilliant idea OF DOING IT ALL OVER AGAIN. WITH A STIPULATION THAT CATERS TO NO ONE. Basically, this match is a glorified submission match. When’s the last time you’ve seen either man use a submission? Unless we see Bradshaw his patented "Soap on a Rope", this will be a gigantic failure.
Sean Waltman: Video taping yourself having sex with Chyna is an offence punishable by castration, in my eyes. Reaching stalker-like levels of adoration for the girl is worse. But holding out for more pay from a Company you don’t even enjoy working for, where you’re not liked, aren’t willing to work big pay off shows, and didn’t even work in the first place is just hideous.
THE NOT SO OBVIOUS RAVEN LIST
Heidenreich: Every week, the guy impresses me. Not because he’s stellar in the ring, or because his gimmick is great, but because the guy is trying. You can tell he’s trying to get the gimmick over, and damn it, I wish it would. He’s supposed to look goofy, folks. I feel he’s much better of as a face, for… I laugh at the guy. Face it folks, Heidy makes you laugh... whether it be by plugging Michael Cole with his poetry scroll or by dancing with a puppy, I enjoy watching him… as long as it’s not in a match.
Stephanie McMahon: Somehow, she stays off our TV. Thank you, oh blessed fat one.
Vince McMahon: Let alone on the Christian segment, and subsequent push… but the guy is letting the ECW PPV get done properly. Heyman and Dreamer have control over it, with Johnny Ace over seeing it, but not interfering. There will be no WWE mention on the merchandise, and the words "World Wrestling Entertainment" will only appear when legally necessary. Thank you, Vince. Thank you.
THE NOT SO OBVIOUS MAVEN LIST
Mick Foley: I love the guy to death, but if the rumours are true, what the hell, man. Vince has been trying to get Foley to work the ECW PPV, especially a match. But, Mick is holding out for big money. Now… come on, dude. You might not have been a key figure in ECW, but let’s face it… it was in ECW where you got your promo skills noticed. You’ve been saying for a while how much you enjoyed ECW, and what a cool working environment it was. Now… I can understand why you wouldn’t want to do a bump-fest match, but please, work a tag match with Mikey Whipwreck. We know you can wrestle still; you’ve been doing it for ROH and other independents. It's just the fact that you know more people will watch the ECW PPV that makes you not want to wrestle… and that’s just vanity.
Kurt Angle: He recently did an interview for a Connecticut news paper (http://www.ctnow.com/tv/hce-wrestlelunch.artmay05,0,3299876.story) where KURT BLAMES 9/11 FOR THE DOWNTURN IN WRESTLING. Ok... Kurt, please tell me the reporter took you out of Context... because that’s fucking ridiculous. Fact is, Wrestling went on a down turn because it was pretty shitty. Nothing was new, nothing was exciting, and there was better stuff out there, in the eyes of the general public. For this, Kurt angle loses cool points.
Paul London: The guy is great in ring, sure. His mic skills, meh… can be good, but most often are forgettable. However… I hate the way he’s being booked.
Listen: The guy is the freaking Cruiserweight Champion. The title that launched the careers of Rey Mysterio, Eddie Guerrero, Chris Jericho, Dean Malenko. It was one of the main reasons WCW ever had people watch the undercard. And… when your babyface cruiserweight champion is losing matches by count out after taking planned bad bumps, how does that look upon the title? It’s gaining no prestige by hanging around the waist of a guy who can’t seem to go a week without knocking himself silly. Once again, I re-iterate… I love Paul London while wrestling and I’d pay to watch him wrestle as well as many of us know he can. But… when he’s being booked to like Spike Dudley, circa 2002, I’m going to hate you.
And so ends the first ever RAVEN OR MAVEN. Expect me to forget I ever wrote this and never do it again… that is, unless you send me pictures of boobs. Any boobs will do, really.
Oh, and if you didn’t like it, I’ll re do it unless you send me pictures of boobs. Any boobs will do, honestly.
So… thanks for reading, and I expect some emails in the morning, mom.
The year, 1987. Young Rob Szatkowski is a year away from training in the Original Sheik’s back yard, but he’s training elsewhere. Robby is working the late shift at a local 7-11, and subconsciously learning about his future fan club.
The types of people who go to convenience stores late at night are seeking one thing, and one thing only: munchies. 7-11 was a haven for such products, and with Rob listening in on their conversation, he would discretely learn how to ‘speak the language of the stoner’. Young Rob was quick to pick up on it, but most people are. For.. all it entails is making asinine comments about the size of your hands, how good cheese is, watching ‘Half Baked’, and splicing all these with the word ‘Dude’. At an early age, the future Mr. Monday Night had mastered Weedlish.
However, knowing HOW to speak your audience’s language does not mean you’re a part of it. To truly become the whole fucking show, Rob had to accept his fate and dive off the deep end, into the vast pool of resin that lay before him. Much like a young Jedi slowly disciplining himself the ways of the Force, Rob allowed years (which seemed to blur together) of marijuana related activities to consume him, for the benefit of the wrestling world. … Or, at least, that’s what he told the cop.
Rob now was ready to show the world the character he’d worked so hard to perfect. However, the difficulty in pumping up the crowd with this energetic new character, is the character isn’t. It is not a gimmick the likes of Andre the Giant, whom you saw, and knew. No, this was much more difficult, for the subtlety of Rob Van Dam is unlike no other. It is especially difficult for Rob’s target audience to catch on to this character for… well… if they’re not paying more attention to their nachos, they’re too busy giggling at Rob’s airbrushed outfits.
So, Rob found himself in a tough situation. There he was… the perfect wrestling stoner. His character had everything ever needed, and was truly ready to shake the foundation of the business. But, the catch 22 was his fans were too ripped out of their mind to catch on to it! Ergo, the audience he wasn’t targeting wasn’t buying into him, for he couldn’t connect with them!A surefire hit had stumbled to rock bottom, and the results were near disastrous.
Rob convinced himself that his years of potty training were to be thrown by the wayside, and it was time to find something else. Records are scarce, but from all accounts, it appears Rob had pursued multiple other personas. Robbie ‘The Bobbie’ Britishire, an English police officer who got beat up by New Jack, went nowhere. Mr. Sunday Morning, a regular church goer spreading his gospel. And, the worst of all, a supposed rapist and poet, trying to make friends with everyone.
When the failed attempts at wrestling fame failed him, Rob left the business. He headed
Rob felt home on the isle nation, for obvious reasons. It was here where he restarted his life. Rob opened up a little cantina, and served the locals joints with little umbrellas in them. Rob was a natural people person, and when informed on his past, the people couldn’t understand how this personable man was unable to connect with his audience… he was doing it just fine there. Everyone wanted to help Rob out… while they loved his Pina Colada Puff, they wanted the best for their friend. Especially one man… ‘Ganja Willy’, they called him.. but you may know him as Bill Alfonso.
Bill called up his good friend, Paul Heyman, and told him he had a new wrestler he should
see, and it was agreed Rob would make his ECW debut on January 5th, 1996. The entire trip from
Rob: I told you, I fucking told you! No one gets my character!
Bill: Why do you think that is?
Rob: Because the only people who get it are perma-stoned, but they’re too ripped to get it!
Bill: Do you think you could do it any better?
Rob: WHAT? ARE YOU CRAZY? I’m doing it PERFECTLY!
Bill: Listen, Rob. Your fans are dumb. They can’t pick up on the perfection you are. See… playing the character is one thing, but your mat skills are still perfect. Your holds are crisp, your aerial tactics are flawless, your kicks are perfectly timed.
Rob: But.. that’s what they want!
Bill: NO! If you were really stoned, do you think you’d be landing a bridging dragon suplex?
Rob: No, but…
Bill: Listen Rob. Be stupid in the ring. Fuck up. You’ll get over.
Rob: I don’t know… but I’ll try… err…
So, the following weeks, Rob used Bill’s advice. He started dishing out potatoes to every worker. He caused minor injuries in nearly every match. Stiff shot here, showing light there. To the average person, Rob had gotten lazy. But.. the ECW fans saw the genius.
With Bill’s teachings, Rob was becoming one of the hottest acts in
The ECW invasion only lasted for a short time, but it saw Rob get victories over Jeff Hardy and Flash Funk, but more importantly, he showcased himself to the entire world. Fans, dazzled, followed Rob… back to ECW.
All was well in the land of extreme, and the whole fucking show was in full effect. Seemingly nothing could stop RVD, even injuries… for, really, a stoner doesn’t feel pain. For that reason, people started to think Rob was a robot, thus the name of one of his finishing moves, The Van Terminator.
But.. the good times were not to last, for Rob now wasn’t getting his cheques. Paul Heyman, and ECW, were in financial disaster, and quickly, ECW filed for bankruptcy, and Rob quickly re-emerged.. on Raw is War.
Finally, it had happened. Rob was on prime time, permanently, and it was time for RVD to take flight. The fans were totally into the character, just as he knew they would be. Despite being introduced as a heel, his t-shirts were selling like crazy. The title shots were coming. The pops were impressive. Fans couldn’t hate the man they’d grown to love.
But… what would happen if RVD was forced to take a step back? And revert back to crisp ring worker he once was? Would the fans still buy into him, and dig the character, now that it was established? The WWE decided to find out.
When the WWE cracked down on dangerous moves, and heavily encouraging workers to employ more mat based wrestling with simple formulas with many rest holds, Rob’s keen style of ‘Purposely fucked up’ wrestling was gone without a trace. Shell shocked, Rob floundered in the mid card… forming meaningless tag teams, and only cashing in on his prior success. Fans liked the man, but no longer was it the rabid chanting once heard before. Rob Van Dam had peaked.
However, fans held out for the man. The prayed their hero would resurface, and he’d let the good times roll. However, fans around the world lost hope in stereo when they heard the news… Rob Van Dam was injured. The same Rob Van Dam that wrestled through concussions, broken ankles, and a plethora of other ailments. Sure, he’d been injured before, but this time… it didn’t seem the same. He didn’t disappear in a blaze of glory, but via the Bashams.
So now.. RVD fans are sitting, hoping for their hero to return, in more ways than one. But.. be warned fans, Rob has been neutered. It’s a sad state of affairs, but the glory is gone. Such is a sad end to a tale that had such promise, but we cannot chase this dragon anymore. Ironically, Rob Van Dam’s career went up in smoke, when the smoke cleared.
*we are shown a backstage locker room at a WWE event. There is a chair on top of a desk. Bob Holly walks in wearing an old Bossman uniform.*
Bob Holly: All rise for the honourable Judge Justin ‘Hawk’ Bradshaw.
*Bradshaw strolls into the room, and whispers into Bob’s ear*
Bradshaw: JOHN BRADSHAW LAYFIELD, BOB! JBL!
Bob Holly: Oh, sorry boss.
*Bradshaw adjusts his tie and climbs on the desk, plopping himself in the chair.*
Bob Holly: The case, Storm VS Bradshaw is now in session. Mr. Storm, your opening comments?
Lance Storm: Umm… guys… this is sort of ridiculous.
Bradshaw: Let the record show that Lance Storm, the man who danced the whitest cabbage patch of all time, thinks the honourable Wrestler’s Court is ‘ridiculous’.
Lance Storm: Listen… what’s the problem?
Bradshaw: The problem is, while you’re training your little punks down in OVW, you’re telling them not to listen to "The Law"!
Lance Storm: I told them not to drop the soap!
Bradshaw: AND THE LAW COMMANDS THEM!
Lance Storm: But this is…
Bradshaw: I HOLD YOU IN CONTEMPT OF THIS COURT!
Lance Storm: Wha? Bu…
Bradshaw: I HEREBY SENTENCE YOU TO 2 YEARS OF WEARING UGLY RED TIGHTS SHOWING OFF YOUR PASTY WHITE LEGS!
Lance Storm: No! Not again!
*Bob Holly drags Lance Storm out of the locker room*
Bradshaw: Excellent. What’s next, Bailiff?
Bob Holly: Orton VS Loewen, Judge Jibble.
Bradshaw: J… B… L.
Bob Holly: Oh yeah. … Mr. Orton, the court is yours.
Randy Orton: Randy... Orton. The name itself screams success, charm, good looks, and notoriety. It’s a name that demands respect, attention, and acknowledgement. Longest reigning Intercontinental champion in seven years! Youngest world heavyweight champion! RANDY ORTON! RANDY ORTON DEMANDS… pleasure. So for someone to deny this of me… I feel it’s fair for me to poop in their bag.
Bradshaw: Bahahaha, I love that one. Well played, sweetie. Rochelle?
Rochelle: OMG. SO I WUZ LIEK… CUMMIN IN2 WERK… AND, THIS HOTT UNDERWARE MODEL GUY WUZ ALL… HAY BABE LETS DO IT AIGHT… AND I WUZ ALL … OMG I’M SOOOOOO ON THE RAG, THAS JUS NASTY!!!1
Bradshaw: … case dismissed.
*Randy Orton strikes a pose, and leaves… Rochelle sits their like a deer in a set of headlights…*
Bradshaw: That means you can leave.
*Bob Holly dangles his set of keys, which Rochelle giddily follows out of the court room*
Bradshaw: Alrighty, Sparky… what do we have next?
Bob Holly: … Copeland & Dumas VS Hardy, Honourable Taker’s Bitch
*Lita quietly sits down and smiles, while Edge burst into the room, pointing at his briefcase while running up and down the seats…*
Bradshaw: … Where’s the Plaintiff?
Bob Holly: …*sigh*…
*Bob Holly wheels in a chalk board, writes "Matt Hardy V1" on it… waits a few seconds, then writes "Run" underneath it. Matt Hardy comes into the room, passing out fliers of today’s ‘Matt Facts’… "Matt watches Judging Amy."*
Bradshaw: Ok... We’ll start with you, Mr. Hardy.
Matt Hardy: I had everything… the job, the friends, the girl. For years, I travelled the roads with Mr. Copeland, hearing the stories of his infidelity, failed marriages, steroid use, and general asshole nature… I spent countless hours with Miss Dumas, talking about her perversion with urine, how great Mexican Luchadores are in the sack, how to cure the genital warts she mysteriously got… and when the two started travelling together, sharing hotel rooms together to save costs, the impossible happened. THEY HAD SEX.
*Matt wipes a tear with a ‘V1’ hand sign*
Matt Hardy: And when it rains, it pours. The heartbreak of losing the love of my life and MY BESTSEST FRIEND EVAR wasn’t enough… the company that grew THE MATT HARDY from the ground up, that made Matt Hardy a phenomenon, for fear of the consequences, fired me. I lost my job, my friend, my girl. … But through it all, I have learned one thing. I’m still standing... right here, keeping the faith… FOR THE ANGELIC DIABLO SHALL NOT DIE! I SHALL NOT DIE! I SHALL NOT DIE! I SHALL NOT DIE! I SHALL NOT DIE! …
Bradshaw: You done yet?
Matt Hardy: I SHALL NOT DIE!
Bradshaw: Okaaaay. Mr Copeland, Mrs Dumas, the court is yours.
Lita: Listen, Matt… I’ve tried emailing you, phoning you, everything... I’m sorry for what I did to you, but… I’m a slut. You’re a wonderful guy, but, you kinda freak me out when you’re like this…
Matt Hardy: HOW MANY DICKS DID YOU SUCK ON THE WAY TO THE COURTROOM, CUM DUMPSTER?
Lita: Hey! ONLY ONE.
Edge: Listen, Matty-o… what’s the deal? You knew I was a whore as well. I’m sorry you got fired, but hey, ‘Ole Edgey here wouldn’t be denied of a ‘peak of awesomeness’, am I rite? Ey, Lita? Right? C’mon, oh yeah, it was good. Hubba hubba. Raaawr. Bumpty bump in the rumpty rump! *wink*
Matt Hardy: YOU’RE NOTHING MORE THAN PURE FECES, ADAM! THE ANGELLIC DIABLO SHALL SEEK VENGEANCE UPON TH..ee.. what the fuck are you doing?
*Edge grabs a ghetto blaster, plays the old n.W.o. theme, and gyrates his hips in front of Lita*
Bradshaw: Hey! That’s mine!
*Bob Holly takes a cookie sheet from under the table, and smashes the ghetto blaster*
Bradshaw: Ok… this is what we’ll do. Matt, you’re a bitch, go away. Amy, you’re a slut, deal with it. Edge, you’re freakin’ sweet, you’re getting pushed. CASE CLOSED.
*Matt solemnly walks away, into the waiting arms of Shannon Moore. Lita starts walking out the door, with Edge bum-rushing her the entire time.*
Bradshaw: What’s next, Hardcore?
Bob Holly: Nothing, it’s lunch time.
Bradshaw: Delightful… you know what to do.
*Bob leaves the court room… and in walks Matt Capeotelli, dressed as a school girl… looking very, very dejected.*
Bradshaw: I hold you in contempt... of my heart.
(*** Welcome James Walker to ONLINE WWE TALENT CHAT***)
James Walker: Whoa, that was easy.
EDGERULZJOO: THAT’S WHAT I SAID!
Fozzy>you: Christ man, give it up
EDGERULZJOO: DID SHE EVER!
James Walker: .. uhh… how’s it goin’…?
ucantseeme: homie, dig this. White boy come in to WWE chat. How he got here, I can’t answer that. Don’t you be trying to moderate, I’ll only end up giving you a JBL date. So just sit back and enjoy the show, and hear it from the pros. .. no diggty.
Mr.Sharmell: Sucka, you down with Blackstreet?
ucantseeme: I liked the way they worked it.
WorldsGreatestNegro: no diggity?
ucantseeme: no doubt.
James Walker: What ever happened to B2? Or Redd Dog?
ucantseeme: My main man squizzle got canned by the e, and dog did too eventually.
James Walker: Yeah, I know. But… why did the leave so quickly?
ucantseeme: Bitch, please. I didn’t need them anchoring me.
Fozzy>you: Hey, at least they were male.
ucantseme: nigga what?
Fozzy>you: I was engulfed in a feud with Chyna for the better part of a year.
*PAULFUCKINGLONDON has entered WWE TALENT CHAT*
PAULFUCKINGLONDON: RARRRRRGH *EMO SPLASH*
*PAULFUCKINGLONDON has left the room*
Mr420: I like the way you work it!!!!1
Peeptacular: Way to keep up with the conversation… MR. 56K!
OlympicHero: I guess that would make me Mr.14Karat!
Peeptacular: No, that’d make you Mr.STFU.
PRIVATE MESSAGE FROM Kinglawler: a/s/l?
*You have blocked Kinglawler*
CountBlackula: You boys ever incorporate food in the bedroom?
MichaelColeIsCool: Like, whipped cream?
CountBlackula: Umm… more like crème brulee…
PatPattersonsPlugPal: Crème brulee, c’est la shit!
EDGERULZJOO: I DON’T CARE WHAT MATT SAYS, I’M NOT GOD DAMN CRÈME BRULEE!
Peeptacular: Dude, he called you ‘feces’
EDGERULSJOO: AND I CALLED HIM WHILE I WAS BONING HIS GIRLFRIEND!
*GiantGonzales has entered WWE TALENT CHAT*
*GiantGonzales was booted. Reason: wtf, how’d he get in here*
MichaelColeIsCool: I like whipped cream, personally.
CountBlackula: I like it when you talk like that.
MichaelColeIsCool: PM me
*RKO has entered WWE TALENT CHAT*
RKO: So, get this. I’m showering in the gym after working out, and I walk past a mirror. So I stop to admire myself. I start flexing and such, and I’m really digging in. I then put on my speedo, and hike it up my crack, showing off my chiselled ass. And some guy calls me gay!
RKO: Seriously guys, I’m totally straight. I love vagina, damn it.
DontDropTheSoap: Really now?
RKO: HEY! I was a rookie, and you drugged my drink!
DontDropTheSoap: Still didn’t stop you from going.. ahem.. balls to the wall.
Mr.420: I remember one time I was wrestling balls, and I was baked out of my mind… I was giving it everything I had, and there was just no quit. Eventually I juiced him, and he went down like the Hindenburg.
Fozzy>you: Uhh, he wasn’t talking about Balls Mahoney, Rob.
Mr.420: Neither was I… heehee.
WorldsGreatestNegro: Dude, you’re not a natural on the mic. Give it up.
DontDropTheSoap: yeah… that was pretty forced, man.
Peeptacular: And if HE thinks something is forced, it’s forced.
Mr.420: F u guys, it was funny
GRRMEKANE: NO IT WASINT ROB. JUST STFU OKAAAY
*16Times has entered WWE TALENT CHAT*
Peeptacular: Shit, you drunk again Ric?
16Times: There’s me nd you Peepstre!… were gona walk in, nd do wut we do ..BEST.., WOO! u can talk abou tall my addictitionsss you wnat, but when ure dealing with the styleliing, proffiling, limmozine ridin, jet flyin’ …
Peeptacular: ..Kiss stealing…
16Times: SON OF A GUN!
OlympicHero: If I may… woo.
GRRMEKANE: 2 MANY LETRES HURT ME STOP RIC U BATSARD
GRRMEKANE: OMG STOP IT U FAG
GRRMEKANE: I HATE U!!!!
*GRRMEKANE has left WWE TALENT CHAT*
ucantseeme: Shit, guys, have you heard the new White Stripes album?
ucantseeme: … I think it’s dope.
Mr.Sharmell: nig, you trippin’
ucantseeme: Man, I’m down with all the hip hop, I know my shit.. and, I like this white stripes stuff.
Mr.Sharmell: fuck you, whitey.
OlympicHero: … yeah, that’s about the whitest thing I’ve ever heard, and I’m Kurt Angle.
ucantseeme: No guys, give it a chance
WorldsGreatestNegro: Fuck no, paste! Seriously man, what the hell.
ucantseeme: I dunno, it.. just… works, ok? Geez, don’t be hatin’
*GRRMEKANE has entered WWE TALENT CHAT*
GRRMEKANE: IS FLAIR GOONE YET I WANNA TALK TO TAGIREE
*GRRMEKANE has left WWE TALENT CHAT*
*DAVE has entered WWE TALENT CHAT*
MichaelColeIsCool: You’re right, John. It’s great.
ucantseeme: … welp, I’m a dork. I’m going to go drown myself.
*ucantseeme has left WWE TALENT CHAT*
DAVE: Hey guys
Fozzy>you: Hey dave. How’s it goin’?
DAVE: ugh… fucking creative…
Fozzy>you: hah, what’s up now?
DAVE: Get this. Y’know the Hell in a Cell match, right?
DAVE: Well get this. At first I thought they were ribbing me but… they want to change it to a KENNEL FROM HELL match.
Peeptacular: Sweet lord.
DAVE: Yeah, they’re pushing the whole ‘animal’ thing a little too far.
Fozzy: No shit.
DAVE: That’s what I was trying to tell em, y’know? But Hunter was there, and he was TOTALLY into the idea.. I mean, the guy has done a lot for me, but Christ… I think he’s trying to bury me.
*EDGERULZJOO has changed their name to Hunter*
DAVE: .. fuck.
Hunter: Hey buddy.
DAVE: listen, man…
Hunter: No no, no need to explain man. I love it when you proceed to tell the entire crew our prized secrets, and bash me at the same time… ON THE INTERNET, NO LESS. It’s super.
DAVE: It’s just.. that match bombed SO BAD. NO ONE liked it. HIAC draw far greater numbers, and aren’t a ridiculous concept!
Hunter: You know what I think is a ridiculous concept? Your title reign.
DAVE: No, just hear me out!
Hunter: Ah, no.
*DAVE has been banned from WWE TALENT CHAT. Reason: Anyone else got something to say?*
James Walker: .. shit, this is a fucking gold mine.
Hunter: Who the fuck are you?
James Walker: Sean is going to shit his pants!
Hunter: Sean? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?
James Walker: http://www.thewrestlingfan.com/
Hunter: … Hrm. Fuck.
*You have been booted from WWE TALENT CHAT. Reason: fucking 12 year olds!*
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).