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By Drew Kannegiesser

Special Report: A Fuckload of Releases, and Life Lessons We Can Learn.

Well. Six more cuts today, with a whole slew last week too. In principle, I both like and dislike the choice. Obviously, most of the guys cut were either jobbers or barely given screen time. Some could wrestle, some could not. Either way, I hate to sound like a broken record, but sometimes guys get over just by sheer longevity. I mean, people eventually cheered Barry Horowitz, and people and smarks alike marked out for Stevie Richards, despite the total stoppage of his push. In a sense, it's like eugenics, weaning the sick ones out of the roster. The comparisons between Hitler and Vince don't end there, but that's another column for another day.

What follows is an analysis of each wrestler cut, as the spree of releases makes it tough to think about each guy individually. The number numbs you. Some of these guys will be getting more press than they deserve, like the Highlamers and Colon Delamewad (double burn - 500 points). I guess it's hard out here for a jobber these days. But sooner or later they'll run out of guys to squash without it meaning something, or so one can hope. At least Rhodes and DiBiase got the belts back. That was completely pointless. On to the list!

1. Cherry. I guess it makes sense, given that her greaser cohort was cut too. Lesson learned: when a trio of jobbers split to different brands, yet retain the team gimmick, often find themselves the proud owner of a pink slip.

2. The Highlanders. Because we needed a Bushwackers for the new generation, Robbie and Rory were given a mini push, only to be buried by DX, Londrick, and even the Spirit Squad. A pointless, heatless heel turn did little, other than change the color of their kilts. Plus Robbie spent most of the year on the shelf, and that certainly didn't help their chances. See previous rule. Lesson learned: Nobody likes any face team that loses almost all their matches. They may be nice, but they suck.

3. Stevie Richards. This one hurts. Despite being with the company for forever and a half, and having the decency not to sue after greenbacked Chris Masters shattered his nose. Despite not having an angle for about a decade, he was always a solid performer, and when given the chance, whatever fed he was in, he showed that he could be a solid entertainer on the mic as well. He will be missed. His last little push was too good to be true. Lesson learned: If creative can't give you a reason to cut a promo in over two years, you may want to beat them to the punch and apply elsewhere.

4. Wes Adams. Who? Oh yes, the ref who botched the ECW finish on Tuesday, which made sense, because Matt Hardy never gets the pin with the Side Effect, no matter which turnbuckle is utilized. It caught the crowd off guard, but now knowing it was a botch, it makes it a bit less cool. He will not be missed, or noticed, much like the rest of ECW. Lesson learned: If you suck at your job, you will be fired, unless you befriend a Bollea. Also, Matt Hardy NEVER gets the pin with the Side Effect.

5. Colin Delaney. God, what a surprise. A jobber with no charisma gets the shit kicked out of him each week, pinning an old Cuban man, then turning heel fails to get a reaction? I'm shocked. Seriously. If Mikey Whipreck died and was reanimated and drained of all his talent and given the same storyline, it would still be ten times better than Colin's kick at stardom. Hulkamania he was not. Lesson learned: Lame characters make for lame heel turns. Didn't Tatanka teach us anything...twice? The first, that Natives will do anything for money, and the second, that Tatanka really hates black people. I miss him, now that I think about it. I find myself singing "Tatanka... BUFFALO!" in the shower a lot. That's not a lesson.

6.Big Daddy V. This one is both a bit of a surprise and completely unsurprising at once. Most people probably question what or who V would have to do to keep his roster slot this long, but when you look at his career, he's gotten over, found some decent singles success (former KOTR, but then again so was Ken Shamrock), and managed to be employed longer than half the people he jobs to. The reason? Apparently he was ordered to lose weight and got fired when he did not...also known as "The Diva Treatment." One might question the logic of telling a guy he's too fat when his whole gimmick (and singlet) is constructed around his saggy man-boobs, but oh well. He will be missed by those who like watching fat black guys grind dormant white ones (*cough cough* Sean). Lesson learned: When you go from a King to a creepy go

th to a sex machine in the span of six months, you learn to take whatever you can get and run with it. 7. James Curtis. This one is not much of a surprise either, as Idol Stevens was released awhile ago and Jimmy Boy has gone nowhere since. Development reports suggested he had a lot of promise, but without a creative storyline to use he was sadly relegated to the midcard. Despite his mini-push (and non-title victory over Londrick), the Dub has decided to turf the boy in favor of longer Triple H promos. Sad. Lesson learned: When your manager gets over before you do, chances are you're not staying around. When your manager is Michelle McCool, you will never get over before her.

8. Nick Patrick. Every now and then, the Dub releases someone that makes you go "wait, they were still employed?" Nick is that choice this time. Having been on the shelf with a back injury for the last year, he pretty much disappeared from TV and thereby the collective consciousness. Still, the guy deserves credit for being WCW's first "heel" referee with the NWO and was one of their first wrestlers to actually create an identity, and when your job consists of staying out of the way, that was pretty cool. Lesson learned: If people you know think you've retired already, chances are your future is in flux.

9. Nunzio. Sigh. I'm gonna miss the little guy. Sadly ever since Vito turned transvestite, Little Guido has been floundering in the non-existant Smackdown cruiserweight division. Sad, considering he used to be the champ of that division, and was more than capable of busting out a good match when it counted. Lesson learned: The Full Blooded Italians gimmick requires a plural to stay alive, so when it's down to one guy, it's not gonna stay afloat.

10. Shannon Moore. I'm gonna miss this little guy too. Yeah sure, he never got over in TNA or WWE (twice), but he was usually a competent lightweight, and his Matt Hardy v1.0 gimmick was entertaining enough. His latest work with Jimmy Yang showed a lot of promise, as they were booked over champs Miz and Morrison in non-title matches, but with Yang's suspension, Shannon wasn't given a lot to do, and after a month, the Dub decided he wasn't pretty enough to pay to do nothing. Lesson learned: Get over to get paid, and he got three strikes. That's why he's out.

11. Trevor Murdoch. Bah, never did anything for me but botch a Canadian Destroyer. Fuck 'im. Lesson learned: Matt Hardy never wins with the Side Effect, but Murdoch pins him after botching a piledriver. It's like rock paper scissors.

12. Braden Walker. Wow. Considering his run in TNA, I'm surprised they cut him this early. Either they saw zero potential in the guy (like most of the audience) or he fucked up backstage pretty bad. As Jim Ross puts it, he's been "future endeavored," and according to the locker room reports, not a lot of people are gonna shed tears over this one. Lesson learned: TNA is not WWE. Also, exercising regularly helps.

13. Ric Flair. Good. Let the man retire, goddamnit, no matter how many times he wants to show his ass on TV. Lesson learned: Enough is sometimes goddamned enough.

Whew. That took a lot of thought. If only I could put the same effort towards packing my room. I may be taking next week off as I move to Toronto, and I'll cross my fingers that I don't get released too. What strikes me as odd about the list is the number of young guys on there. If the Dub isn't patient enough to actually develop their young talent into future stars, then they end up with WCW, where all the main eventers were older than most of our parents. Young talent drives the business, so Vince and Co. should be careful not to drive it out.

Anywho, that's me for this week.


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November 2006


by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).