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 WRITING UNDER THE INFLUENCE

By Drew Kannegiesser

Politics.
 
Don't worry, this has a point.

Let's talk politics. First, I live in Canada. Our Prime Minister is a slimy ass (not Pat Patterson) with cold dead fish eyes, who got elected by portraying the Liberals as corrupt. Now, FIFTY SIX Conservative MPs are being investigated for illegal financial transactions during that same election. It looked pretty bad.

But then I started watching American politics, and John McCain beats all that like a red headed son (TM Ken Patera). Not only does he think the recession is mental, the war in Iraq is worth continuing, a gas tax holiday, preemptive strikes on Iran, and favors the solidification of extreme executive power brought in during the Bush administration. Sometimes, it seems like he's so wrong on America that he must be kidding. Except he's not. Obama isn't perfect - he's inexperienced, and he supported the FISA bill, which is possibly the first step to making Orwell's nightmare come true. But then again, so did McCain, and can anyone legitimately argue that eight years of Republican rule has done the country any long-term good?

I can't vote, because I live up North. But I beg of you, for the love of God...vote for Ron Paul, vote for Obama, even vote for Hillary, but please don't vote for John McCain.

*climbs off soapbox*

Ironically, I lost my virginity on November 2nd, 2004. Kerry and I both lost that night, but his was worse for America.

Anywho, the point is that a lot of people consider politics to be limited to Congress. Fact is, politics enter our lives everywhere, with every single thing we do. And wrestling is no exception.

For instance, how about Triple H and Shawn Michaels both being booked over the majority of the roster despite having one bad back, two bad knees, and about 80 years of age between them. I mark out for London and Kendrick every time, and H burying them both made me stop watching Raw. It's pointless, it's unnecessary, and it's unfair. But that's how the game is played, and that's how the business works. But as inflamed as people get about H these days, they are a bit harsh. Face it, the guy is gonna be in the history books if he ever retires, and he's gonna have more title reigns than anyone on Earth, and he has worked his ass off to make sure of that. Regardless of his skill as a performer, you need to give him props for his skill as a "fawning publican," to quote Shakespeare's least favorite Heeb.

What's worse, the fans seem to act like he's the first guy to do it. Well fuck that. Look at Verne Gagne, who booked himself over the whole AWA roster till he was like sixty. His trunks eventually doubled as a diaper if the match ran more than six minutes. (FUN FACT: Harley Race once spat on my Grandmother during an AWA show in Thunder Bay. And my friend's grandfather, a Ukranian immigrant, once ran into the ring to protest Dr. X's use of a foreign object in a finish. That's Thunder Bay for you).

Or how about Hulk Hogan? They gave him his spot based on his muscles (or moustache, I can never tell which), and he kept it because of his downright bastardness. Wrestlemania IX, for example, when he managed to bury Bret Hart and Yokozuna (and Mr Fuji!) in one fell swoop, all by wrestling for 26 seconds. The only title I got from a thirty second finish was "Quick Draw McGraw". Then he did the same in WCW. That said,, even he had enough respect to do the occasional job. He lost the belt to Goldberg, and he lost to Jacques Rougeau (which was unbelievable, at least from a booking standpoint), and he also kinda changed the business forever, and became synonymous with wrestling.

Or The Undertaker. He's been on the roster for almost twenty years, no-selling and backstage enforcing all the way. He's gone through more makeovers than Madonna, and now is trying to be pushed as "the best pure striker in the business" (whatever the fuck that means). He even got away with attempted murder on live TV, despite about a million witnesses and a taped record. But he's paid his dues, is able to work when he wants to, and more importantly, win when he wants to. Problem is it's all the time. But he did drop the belt to Edge and "retire" a la Michael Jordan, which was Noble (Not BYGawd).

So anyone from Bruno Sammartino to Hardcore Holly has seen how the game is played, and the truth is, the guys we remember more often than not are the ones who play it best. Politics is a dirty game, but it's necessary to get things done. Without it, we'd be Savages (not randy, unlike Sean's mom). So you might hate a guy like Shawn or Bret for pulling favors and refusing to compromise, but it's hard not to respect them for that. These guys, at least, were smart. And in a business where muscle is prized over all, that's important.

Which brings us back to McCain. He plays a dirty game, but he plays it all wrong. Obama may do it too, but at least he knows what he's doing, like sex in a well lit room. Vote No for McCain. Your kids will thank you, and ask for another.

 

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).