Once again, he lost a shootfight to BART GUNN. These are
a few cautionary guidelines to follow. Seeing as I'm not a wrestler, or rassler, and I've never gotten over anything except
hangovers that felt like my soul was raping itself, I may be entirely full of shit and know nothing on the subject.
Hart Transplant
Reading through Bret Hart's
new book, I began remembering his feud with HBK ever since the beginning, from their first ladder match all the way up to
the screwjob/workjob, whichever way you see it. It made me realize how these two guys had such legit heat on one another,
yet worked so well together. I think the anger added that intensity that so many other mid-card feuds were lacking. Piper-Mountie,
anyone?
Anydangway, I began to think how weird the world would be if Shawn and Bret had traded places. For starters,
Bret would confuse the audience during his debut week, as many would mistake him for Sherri Martel's sister with a touch of
the Down's and wonder why anyone would fight her. On the other hand, Shawn would become a sex symbol anyway simply by standing
next to Jim Neidhart. He would look suspiciously hairless too, despite that eternal patch on his chest. It's like uranium
rods. It stays active for eighty years and burns anything it touches.
In the middle years, Bret would kick the
crap out of Shane Douglas after not getting the shit kicked out of him in Syracuse. It turns out his years of training in Stu's
dungeon, plus his +2 accuracy modifier, allowed him to easily dispatch a group of monsters. Meanwhile,
at Wrestlemania IX, Shawn would still find a way to avoid jobbing to Hogan via the greatest two-time transitional
champion in history, Yokozuna (I swear, Mr. Fuji is the essence of over).
Finally, Bret would renounce his faith
in God following the tag match no-show. In a post-match interview, Bret declares "God never did shit for me," adding that
he "was still pissed about the whole Owen thing." He is struck by lighting on the spot as a cautionary example. Shawn, on
the other hand, would suffer a broken cheekbone and career-ending concussion at the feets of Bill Goldberg
(The Hartbreak Kid?), who was too busy saving animals or being Jewish or something to pull his kick properly. Coupled with
his stroke several years later, Shawn went on record to say that he had lost his smile.
In other words, not
a lot would be different. We'd still have lost smiles, sex symbols, and a whole lot of bitching and whining in the meantime.
TWF FLASHBACK
November 2006
SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).
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