Home | Columns & Rants | Satire | Entertainment | Media | Archives | Forum

WRITERS COURT: CASE OF THE POLITICAL ASSASSIN, PART 1 

The match outcomes are predetermined, but the cases are real. The victims are real. The reality is real. Steph's breasts are fake. The judgments here are final and spiritually binding. (Hey, prove that they aren't.) Welcome to Writer's Court. Honorable Judge Simon presiding.

All rise. Now be seated. Dance on my strings, puppets. HAW HAW HAW! Now then, its time to hear today's case.

THE ACCUSED: Paul Levesque-McMahon, a.k.a. Triple-H, a.k.a. Hunter Hearst Helmsley, a.k.a. The Game, a.k.a. The Cerebral Assassin, a.k.a. That (pause) Damn (pause) Good, a.k.a. Jean Paul Levesque, a.k.a. Terra Ryzing, a.k.a. Mr. Stephanie McMahon.

THE CRIME: Holding guys down, sabotaging their careers, ruining the business as a whole and just general douchebaggery.

The PROSECUTION will argue that HHH is a shitbag who thinks nothing of burying guys to keep his spot at all costs. The Prosecution will further argue that HHH has cut off more guys at the knees than a midget samurai.

The DEFENSE will argue that most of the guys who HHH squelched were dickholes or fuck-ups themselves and frankly, didn't deserve a World title run anyway.

This Court will review 10 different case studies, then total up the verdicts and pass final judgment upon the accused. Writer's Court will now hear "The Case Of The Political Assassin."


CASE STUDY #1: HHH VS. KURT ANGLE (2000).

The Facts: HHH, Angle, and Stephanie were intertwined in a tri-angle that was the talk of the biz and a ratings machine, particularly among broads. All signs pointed to Steph leaving her storyline husband (HHH) for the sensitive "other man" (Angle). In the first known example of an HHH career-kill, he whined that no heterosexual woman would ever leave him, uh, I mean "his character." So after months of build, Steph inexplicably low-blowed Angle, allowing HHH to beat Your Olympic Hero in their big climatic no-DQ match at Unforgiven 00 (9/23/00).

The Prosecution: It made Angle look like a schmuck and did nothing to help HHH or Steph. Angle was in the middle of the biggest push any WWWFE wrestler had received in his rookie year (Euro Title, IC Title, King Of The Ring Winner), and this left him with less heat than an Abominable Snowman's taint. Even the trifling little fact that Angle won the World Title the following month didnt repair the damage HHH had done. The months of promos where HHH inferred that Angle was a homosexual didn't help Angle (or HHHs case) either.

The Defense: Screw Kurt Angle. After he won everything in his rookie year, what the hell was left for him to do? Besides, HHH has laid down for Angle a bunch of times. What about Royal Rumble 2001, which saw interference from Vince, Steph, and Trish before Steve Austin interfered and screwed HHH? Then there was No Way Out 2002, after the HHH/Steph storyline split. Angle beat HHH there after HHH got screwed by Steph the ref. It took HHH almost a full week to re-beat Angle to regain his status as #1 Contender for the World Title going into Wrestlemania 18.

The Verdict: Guilty. Kurt Angle is a once-in-a-blue-moon talent that got over DESPITE his visit to HunterLand. One could even suggest that Angle ruined it for the rest of them, because he stayed over anyway, wrongly implying that HHH didnt have "that much" power or that his shenanigans weren't "that bad." As for Hunter's WM18 match, we'll get to that shortly.



CASE STUDY #2: Jeff Hardy (2001).

The Facts: Jeff Hardy was one of the most popular wrestlers in the company and poised to pull a Bret Hart/Shawn Michaels, breaking out huge and leaving his tag team partner in the dust. Jeff beat HHH for the IC Title on Smackdown after Matt Hardy interfered and screwed HHH. The following Monday on Raw, HHH seethed that it was a "fluke" and proceeded to squash Jeff like a bug on Raw to regain the gold. When I say squash, I'm talking "Delicious rich and creamy butternut squash dripping with butter and cinnamon." Thats how all-encompassing a squash it was. Hell, even The Brooklyn Brawler would get in a couple offensive shots during his matches.

The Prosecution: Historically, an IC Title reign was the first step from stardom to superstardom. Thats how it worked for Bret, Shawn, Stone Cold, Rock, and even Hunter himself. Yet in this case, Jeff's six-day reign KILLED him. He was treated like a joke and fans never took him seriously as a heavyweight contender again. Jeff would have been so much better off had he never "beaten" HHH for the belt in the first place, and when you think about it, thats BEYOND sad.

The Defense: Ummmmmmhey, check out this great site where you can buy DVD's cheap! www.deepdiscountdvd.com

The Verdict: Extremely Guilty. Even the Gamecocks* cant defend HHH on this one. This was a willful, calculated burial to keep Jeff from becoming "the next Shawn Michaels," as JR liked to bray. While I don't think the business was in danger of Jeff Hardy being the #1 guy, Jeff always did connect with his own rabid fanbase (i.e., prepubescent girls) and apparently that was enough to scald Hunter's dogs. No wonder the poor guy turned to drugs.

* Gamecocks = Term I just now this second started using for the few people running around who actually defend HHH.



CASE STUDY #3: HHH vs. Chris Jericho (2002).

The Facts: Jericho had a white-hot debut in 1999 with the "Y2J" gimmick and the tease-me-please-me "Countdown To The Millennium" clock that for months, promoted that something huge was about to happen. Jericho hit the ramp running with several hilarious, edgy promos. Fans took to him as a star immediately. It was about this time, the old Duke Boys Er, I mean Hunter, was finally getting his career push with his first World title win. Fans weren't so fast to warm up to HHH, and in many circles, there was talk that HHH's push should have gone to Jericho.

HHH never forgot this, and took steps to cut Jericho off at the knees every step of the way. There was an infamous Dusty finish on Raw in 2000, which saw Y2J pin HHH, only to have the referee "throw out the match" later in the show. HHH made sure to beat Y2J every now and then, whether it was a last-man-standing match at Fully Loaded 2000, or squashing him for the IC Title in 2001 just because HHH didn't want Jericho to have the slightest bit of cred with fans.

However, even wrestling fans know a mega-talent when they see it, and Jericho always busted his ass in the ring and got his share of heat, whether heel or face. Jericho was eventually rewarded for his years of servitude with arguably the biggest one-night push any wrestler would ever receive. After the ridiculous InVasion angle tanked like Abbott, a "Vengeance" PPV was on for 12/9/01. The hook was a kinda sorta mini-tourney with Austin vs. Angle for the WWF World Title, and Jericho vs. Rock for the generic "World Title" (formerly the WCW World Title). The winners would meet for a final winner-take-all unification match to crown the first undisputed champion. (I think Randy Savage might have something to say about that, seeing as how he beat FOUR guys in one night at WM4 to become the previous "first undisputed champion," but I digress.) Anyway, Jericho won the whole shebang, becoming the first and only wrestler ever to beat Austin and Rock on the same night. Not too shabby for a guy HHH said, "couldn't work the WWF style."

Anyway, Jericho was champ rolling into WM18 at the SkyDome in Toronto. HHH (who sat out most of 2001 with a torn quad) made his big comeback by winning the 2002 Royal Rumble, setting up HHH vs. Y2J on "the biggest stage of them all." The build to this Undisputed World Championship main event at Wrestlemania consisted of two key points:

1) At every turn, HHH reminded Jericho (and us) that Jericho never beat him.

2) Jericho and his belt served as backdrop for the "real" story of the HHH/Steph storyline divorce. This culminated with an angle wherein their dog Lucy, pooped backstage.

The Prosecution: HHH is an insecure little bitch. He's been holding Jericho down since day one and even now, theres no signs that things will ever change. While HHH is inconsistent in the ring at best, Jericho constantly has exciting. critically-acclaimed matches with a variety of opponents. Jericho is naturally one of the best promos in the biz, while HHH's promos are more forced than Mike Tyson in the hotel room of a beauty pageant contestant. If Jericho's song "Dont You Wish You Were Me" wasn't directly aimed at HHH, it should have been.

The Defense: Hey, is Lucy taking a dump really that much worse than Andre tearing off Hogans cross? Both angles were controversial for their time. And another thing about Jericho is that he's short. And, uh, he's blond. So in closing, I would like to refer everyone to www.bigbreastlovers.com and remind you that you owe me one.

The Verdict: Unforgivably Guilty. One of my favorite one-shot comic books is "JLA: Earth 2" by Grant Morrison and Frank Quitely. See the Justice League visits an antimatter world where everything is the opposite of things on the "real" world. Their word "good" is our word "evil," and so on. I mention this because thats kinda what Jericho's "career push" was like. Being the "first-ever undisputed champion" should have been a SUPER COLOSSAL MEGA HUGE deal. Being the only wrestler ever to notch wins over both Austin and Rock in the same night is nothing to sneeze at. At the very least, Y2J should have been portrayed as the top dog in the company. He wasnt even top five. Rather than MAKE Jericho's career, being undisputed World champion KILLED it. Told ya; Earth 2.

Jericho was somewhat a victim of circumstances as his reign happened to coincide with the major story of the NWO (Hogan/Hall/Nash) returning to the WWWFE. This, in turn, led to the mega-hyped Hogan-Rock showdown at WM18. (In fact, on the box of the WM18 video, it shows Hogan, Rock, and nobody else). Even the Flair-Undertaker feud got a solid build and tons of TV time leading up to the SkyDome. Those in and of themselves arent so bad; on the contrary, its how WM matches SHOULD play out. But at the very least, how about a "no dog crap" rule when promoting your WORLD TITLE MATCH AT WRESTLEFUCKINGMANIA???!!! You cant tell me that anyone on the planet thought that would actually sell tickets and/or PPVs. No, it was just Hunter pulling a Hunter.



CASE STUDY #4: HHH vs. RVD (2002).

The Facts: Even through the months of absurdity that was the InVasion, the one guy who got over in spite of it all was Rob Van Dam. WWWFE fans went apeshit for his acrobatic highspots, the likes of which they'd never seen before. On the downside, RVD tends to get a little careless with his "educated feet," and has legit bludgeoned more than a couple of his opponents. (During one run, he stiffed Jericho three times in three consecutive matches.) Coming off a latino-hot feud with Eddie Guerrero, RVD seemed posed to finally break through that glass ceiling and become a main-eventer. They even gave him a "gold magnet" push in 2002, where RVD successfully defended his IC Title in unification matches, absorbing both the European Title and Hardcore Title. But when it came time for RVD to take his turn with HHH you guessed it HHH squashed him.

The Prosecution: So RVD isn't a mat technician. The fans pop for him and buy his merchandise. Thats the name of the game, isn't it?

The Defense: Finally, HHH actually HAS a solid defense. For all the flippy-dippy highspots, RVD is a careless pothead who hands out more potatoes than the state of Idaho. The last two times he wrestled HHH, he accidentally legit injured HHH bad (throat and arm, respectively). All joking aside, can you really blame HHH for not wanting to work with the guy? This raises the question: "If a guy is super-over with the fans, but extremely careless with his opponents, does he still deserve a World title push?" Vince and Hunter said, "No," and frankly, its pretty tough to argue with them. Not content to suffer in silence, RVD went on a radio show last year and complained about being buried. While his claims had varying levels of validity, theres something to be said for being a professional and not publicly badmouthing your employer.

The Verdict: Not Guilty, dude. HHH is off the hook due to the fact that RVDs own sloppiness and lack of professionalism show me that for a World champion, he's one heck of an IC/Tag titleholder.



CASE STUDY #5: HHH vs. Kane (2002).

The Facts: Youd think the damn belts would have been enough. It was all set up for World champ HHH to battle IC champ Kane in a unification match that would effectively dissolve the IC strap. But Vince, Hunter, and God knows who else decided that that just wasn't enough incentive to get fans to push the "buy" button on their remote controls. So they concocted one of the WORST storylines ever, which saw HHH "out" Kane as a murderer who, as a teen, had killed his cheerleader girlfriend, Katie Vick. The Big Red Machine claimed that Katie's death was an accident when their car swerved off the road. (Yeah, right. Her and JYD, buddy.) Okay, so far, this was tasteless, but not really bad, right? Buckle up, Court Cadets. It's gonna get much, MUCH worse.

The culmination of this angle was a skit wherein HHH donned a Kane mask and visited a funeral home, complete with Katie mannequin lying restfully in a casket. HHKane then proceeded to hump Katie's mannequin corpse. Even by WWWFE "standards," this angle was so horribly offensive that fans tuned out by the thousands. It was selected "Gooker Of The Year" for 2002 by www.wrestlecrap.com (an award bestowed upon the worst of the worst).

The Prosecution: Necrophilia, for fucks sake??!! The Prosecution rests.

The Defense: Hey, you smarks were always complaining that Raw didnt do anything original anymore. Well, I dont know about you, but Id consider HHH putting on a Kane mask and slipping the shrunken testes to a mannequin dressed up to resemble a dead teenage cheerleader pretty freakin original. Theres no pleasing you people. Besides, HHH did the right thing here. After convincingly winning the big title vs. title match on PPV, Trips lost a non-title casket match to Kane on Raw when HBK interfered and cost HHH the match. Get off the guys back, will ya? Theres not enough room for you AND the acne.

The Verdict: "I screwed your brains out" Guilty. Like with Angle, Kane's career may have survived, but it was no thanks to Frankenschnozz. Oh, but HHHs Kaneophobia didnt end with a necrophilia angle. HHH was determined to kill the BRMs career at any cost. Stay tuned.



Oy, thats enough for one day. My head hurts just thinking about that damn Katie Vick angle. In two weeks time, this Court will hear the remaining evidence against the condemned er, I mean, the accused. Heh, heh.

Until then, Writer's Court stands in recess.

-PART 2-

CASE STUDY #6: HHH vs. Scott Steiner (2003).

The Facts: In the waning months of WCW, Steiner's nickname might as well have been "Jockitch," because he was the last guy to catch fire down south. The formula was ridiculously simple. Fans bought "Big Crotch-Rot Pump" as a legit tough guy who said he was gonna kick somebody's ass, then did it. Following in the footsteps of Stone Cold, Scotty was an anti-authority badass who once even went so far as to tell Nitro viewers to "change the channel and watch Raw." Oh yeah, and the more he berated his "freaks" (i.e., female companions), the more they wanted him.

When Vince bought WCW in 2001, most of the big names were tied up in Time Warner contracts that were as fat and juicy as the many platters of spare ribs that Stephanie eats for breakfast every morning. Hogan, Sting, Goldberg, all of 'em were sitting on their guaranteed money for months on end. Vince didnt wanna crack open the piggy bank to buy them out. (Note: Offers WERE made to buy certain guys out for pennies on the dollar, but the only one who bit was DDP. His reward was being pinned on TV by The Undertaker.................'s wife, Sara.) Steiner was under such a contract until it expired. After months of negotiations, Steiner was finally inked and made his debut at Survivor Series 2002 with a profanity-laced promo that popped even the cynical MSG crowd. The guy was OVER.

Not bothering with any of that "build" stuff, Steiner was immediately herded into a feud with World champion HHH as 2002 became 2003. I kid, I kid. HHH vs. BPP had a surprisingly strong build in and of itself as Steiner was pushed hard as the only man who could physically match up against The Great And Powerful Schnozz. HHH challenged BPP to many feats of strength and manliness (arm-wrestling, posedowns, push-up contests, etc). Steiner outclassed The Game at every turn, and they were really pushing that Hunter's gold was in double jeopardy. Now check out the timeline:

Royal Rumble (January 2003): Steiner-HHH went to a DQ finish in a match so bad, it got booed out of the building.

No Way Out (February 2003): HHH beat Steiner with a mercy-squelching. This rematch was arguably even worse than the previous months, and got even more boos, not because the heel won, either.

Wrestlemania 19 (March 2003): Steiner's stock had fallen so far with management, he wasn't even booked on the show. As for HHH's match, well get to that, momentarily.

The Prosecution: Had they properly built Scotty before the big World Title match..ah, who am I shitting? Steiner sucks.

The Defense: The Defense LIKES this case. Steiner was absolutely freakin HORRIBLE in those matches, blowing more spots than some freak with a leopard fetish. It's rare that a babyface is so bad, the crowd totally turns against him in mid-match, but that's what happened TWICE!  It's hard to believe that this is the same guy who was tearing up the world with his brother Rick when they were the best tag team under the sun in the early 90s. In a bizarre way, hotshotting Steiner into a World Title match right away was a smart move, because it drew curiosity buys before people realized how badly he had come to suck. So in closing, Sucky Scott Steiner sucks.


The Verdict: Not Guilty. Steiner sucks. In fact Steiner sucked so bad, he even out-sucked Hunter's inherent suckiness. And baby, thats a whole lotta suck.

CASE STUDY #7: HHH vs. Booker T (2003).

The Facts: After the Steiner experiment turned out to be the equivalent of two trains crashing into a nuclear power plant, HHH needed a new victim on the biggest stage of 'em all in Seattle. Booker T was the best pick at the time, as Book-HHH was a fresh match and fans had really gotten behind the Bookerman after months of solid matches and camptastic skits with Goldust. Book won a battle royal on Raw to earn the WM title shot, eliminating no less than The Rock to start his road to WM. Everything was going great until Book's first angle with HHH.

HHH played the race card, stopping just short of trying to get over "Your name-AH is Kunta-AH Kinte-AH" as his new catchphrase. HHH did say stuff like "People like YOU exist only to entertain me" and did such great WM-level angles as attempting to tip Booker T upon encountering him in a mens room (!). Not enough for ya? Well, they trotted out the mug shot of a young Booker who legit did time for robbing a Wendy's in his misspent youth.

Needless to say, HHH pedigreed and pinned Booker at the big dance. At least there was no actual, factual dog crap involved this year.

The Prosecution: Triple-H? Triple-K is more like it. HHH finally books himself in a feud with a guy who can hold up his end of the promos and what does he focus on? The fact that Booker is black. Gamecocks may say that Hunter was just playing the "Million Dollar Man" type prickish heel who treats everyone like a servant, but the fact remains that he pulled this crap with THE ONLY OVER BLACK SINGLES WRESTLER ON THE WHOLE GODDAMN ROSTER. Calling attention to Booker's legit criminal past buried the guy, too. Were not condoning armed robbery, but the guy paid his debt to society and worked his ass off to better himself, both in his personal and professional life. Speaking as a fan, it was downright offensive to watch.

The Defense: Didn't HHH job to Booker in a tag match during the WM build? I'm not being smarmy here; I think he did, but I can't remember. Anyway, Booker should have thought about all of this before he robbed a Wendy's. Hunter was fighting for the honor of Dave Thomas. Um, yeah.


The Verdict: Guilty, sucka. (Just like a certain sports-entertainer who once knocked over a Wendy's!) It's a borderline case, but if Cripple-H was going to go "super heel" with the racial crap, he should have done the right thing in the end (i.e., a "job") to justify it. TWF mascot Booker Bear is still pissed about this. Cant blame the little guy.

CASE STUDY #8: HHH vs. Kevin Nash (2003).

The Facts: Nash benefited from the Mark Henry philosophy of booking, in that Vince said to himself, "We're paying this guy main-event money, so we might as well give him a main-event push to justify it." The result was four PPV's worth of Nash vs. HHH in some capacity. Their matches were terrible, their promos were terrible, even their pyro was terrible. You heard me.

The Prosecution: The Prosecution throws its hands up on this one, but it would like to point out that for the record, HHH is a cockspit for making us sit through a HHH-Nash feud in the first place.

The Defense: Nash was past his prime three contracts ago. No way should Hunter have laid down for him. Besides, if nothing else, we got a great promo from Mick Foley during the build to the worst non-Bossman "Hell In A Cell" match of all time.


The Verdict: Not Guilty. Come on, it's Kevin Fucking Nash. Arguably, the one "main eventer" more banged-up, washed-up, used-up, and just plain fucked-up than HHH himself. If theres one guy who was less deserving of a World Title run than HHH, its Oz.

CASE STUDY #9: HHH vs. Kane (2003).

The Facts: If at first you dont succeed, suck, suck again. Kane refused to play dodgeball because he was sad. The Big Red Machine wasn't quite himself, so Steve Austin did what any responsible co-GM would do; He gave Kane a stunner. This relit Kane's pilot light and he went on a chokeslamming spree. Then out of nowhere, HHH invited Kane to join Evolution for some stupid "Stephanie wrote this crap" reason. Kane responded to HHH's offer with another goozle massage. This turned into one of those stupid retarded-kids-playing-chess angles where Austin made a title match, but co-GM Eric Bischoff insisted that Kanes mask be at stake, as well. Figure Four Weekly editor Bryan Alvarez put it best when he said, "After all these years, theyre going to unmask Kane on free TV with no build." And so they did. Evolution helped HHH get the win, after which Kane unmasked, revealing him to be not the brother of The Undertaker, but rather the identical twin of The Missing Link. Understandably embarrassed, Kane forsook the ways of the babyface and returned to his roots as a chokeslamming Heelenstein.

But at least there was no fucking necrophilia this time.

The Prosecution: Okay, I'm not even gonna mention that something this monumental should have been built for a PPV. If youre gonna de-mask your biggest masked wrestler, the guy who did the de-masking should have at least gotten some momentum out of the deal. Remember when Foley made HHH? HHH crowed about it for, Well, he's still crowing about it. But THAT'S how you do it. At the very least, Kane's downfall should have been funneled into Randy Orton's "legend killer" gimmick. But it wasn't. And another thing: Make the Big Red Machine into a deranged monster heel, sure, but shouldn't he have been just the slightest bit annoyed with Hunter and Evolution for unmasking him? I can even buy the fact that Kane started his rampage against RVD because it was Rob (his former tag partner) who pushed him into the mask-vs.-belt match in the first place. But still; at some point, Kane should have gone after HHH and his dancing bears for revenge.

The Defense: Kane was more stale than French bread, which is stale by nature anyway. Why the fuck does anyone eat that crap, anyway? Ahem, the Defense digresses. Kane needed a change, and if he was going to lose the mask, why would risk it against anything less than the World Title? And for what it's worth, the unmasking DID give a noticeable bump up to the ratings at a time when the company desperately needed it.


The Verdict: Guilty. No follow-up with the guy who unmasked him? Then no defense holds up. Ironically, Kane kinda IS the indestructible monster that he plays on TV. No matter how many times a McMahon (or McMahon-in-law) kicks him into that proverbial firepit, he just keeps coming back without a scratch on him. Losing the mask is DEATH for a guy's cred, yet the BRM evolved and is still a great, effective character to this day. No one has an unkind word to say about Kane behind the scenes, where he is regarded as a consummate professional who has paid his dues, but still works as hard as anyone. Kind of the Anti-Hunter. Thats it, I'm buying a Kane t-shirt just on GP.

CASE STUDY #10: HHH vs. Goldberg (2003).

The Facts: After abortions like the InVasion, the NWOs return, and Scott Steiner's resurgence, one of the last "sure things" out there was a nice Jewish boy named Bill Goldberg. Goldberg set the world on fire back in 1998 as the unstoppable spear-chucking, hammer-jacking irresistible force who plowed through WCW, culminating with a World Title win over Hulk Hogan in the Georgia Dome, which was arguably the last true mark-out moment in WCW history.

The day after WM19 saw Goldberg's much-anticipated Raw debut. Goldberg immediately went into a hot feud with The Rock. While their match at Backlash was a commercial and critical flop, fans still wanted to pop for Goldberg, and things were moving in the right direction as Goldy subsequently moved into a better-booked and better-wrestled PPV match against Jericho at Bad Blood.

Then it was time for the big money dream match: Goldberg vs. HHH for the strap. It was on for SummerSlam 03, then it wasn't. For some reason, SummerSlam was remixed into a six-man Elimination Chamber with HHH and Berg being joined by Jericho (good), Shawn Michaels (good), Randy Orton (why?), and Nash (shoot me now). Hunter beat Goldberg to win the EC match, which took the wind out of everyone's sails, heat-wise.

HHH then lost the strap to Goldy the following month at Unforgiven in a match that served as a backdrop to the bullshit storyline of Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler "calling their last match" after they lost a stip match to Coach & Al Snow earlier in the show. After a spirited but ultimately unsatisfying "bounty" angle (the payoff was the return of Batista, for fuck's sake), HHH lost to Goldberg again at Survivor Series 03. This time, their match was hotshotted onto the card with less of a build going into the PPV than any other match on the show (yes, even less of a build than Guerreros-Bashams). Finally, the feud ended up in a triple-threat with Goldberg vs. HHH vs. Kane at Armageddon 03. This is where HHH got his belt back by icing the Berg one last time. (And for those of you playing along at home, despite being in a World Title PPV main event against the guy, Kane STILL didnt seem too upset with HHH for taking his mask. Sigh.)

The Prosecution: The Elimination Chamber quickly turned from the best-booked match of the year to the worst booked match of the year as Goldberg mowed through RKO, HBK, and Y2J before HHH pinned him to end both the match and any semblance of momentum the guy had. And yeah, we know, we know. Goldberg is an unprofessional whiny bitch who throws temper tantrums when things dont go his way. Bruce Mitchell of the Pro Wrestling Torch put it best when he said, "This business is about making money, and once again, the WWE (left) money on the table." Vince used to be all about protecting a guy's weaknesses. If he could do it with guys like Warrior and Sid, there's no excuse for exposing Goldberg's shame to a world not quite ready for it.

The Defense: Goldberg is an unprofessional whiny Um, right. Ah, ol whisker-biscuit was past his prime, anyway. Besides, Hunter DID lose to him. Twice! Thats twice more than most of the other guys HHH has worked with.


The Verdict: Guiltyberg. It was the damn Chamber. I dont care how many times HHH laid down for Berg (and theres a big difference between "laying down" and "putting someone over"); HHH torpedoed Goldberg at a crucial point in the guy's push and Goldy never fully recovered. Thats our Hunter!

WEIGHING IN ON THE SCALES OF JUSTICE AT WRITERS COURT:

10 Case Studies

Guilty = 7

Not Guilty = 3

FINAL VERDICT: This Court finds HHH guilty as charged. No surprise here. For his punishment, I can think of none more fitting than this: Paul Levesque, I sentence you to a legacy of political backstabbing that FAR overshadows any of your accomplishments inside the ring. Ironically, you yourself are one of the biggest "hardcore" wrestling fans in the world, yet there is not one other "hardcore" fan out there who thinks that you're anything less than an overrated, overpushed, injury-prone, son-in-law. Telling Jim Ross to say "Harley Race" every time you drop a knee ain't gonna cut it, buster. When fans sit around talking about the greats in the game, your name will never come up. You will be forgotten, or worse, remembered for who you really are. Live with it.

However, this is a merciful Court. To that end, I would suggest that Paul and his loyal Gamecocks can take solace in the fact that HHH isn't ALWAYS in the wrong; just 70% of the time.

So remember, if there are doin's afoot in the rasslin biz and no one has the power, the brains, or the balls to call a spade a spade (figure of speech; not to be confused with HHHs "elevation" of Booker T), don't just run to your father-in-law and tell him "This guy cant work WWF style." No, you take it to court. WRITER'S COURT.

Today's Court is adjourned.

-HDS-

Harry Simon is a trivia-fueled wisenheimer who has been writing about pro wrestling off and on for 16 years and counting. Harry has written trivia pieces for both the Wrestling Observer and Live Audio Wrestling websites, and contributed a ton of research to his fellow Las Vegan Mike Tenay in preparation for the first NWA TNA PPV in 2002. Harry has also done play-by-play, color commentary, and ring announcing for indy promotions. Harry invented the Von Erich Match Rating System, which you can learn about HERE.
 
 
Send Feedback to Harry Simon

*All Pics and Logos created by Sean Carless

Bookmark and Share

TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).