Most people might not realize this, but at one time, during the onset of my "writing career", I wrote entirely serious
research pieces on Professional Wrestling. The problem was, as I progressed, my natural instincts to write completely insane
rambling comments amidst these pieces began to surface, and eventually my work mutated into a bizarre hybrid of information
and insanity, that I soon coined as "Insanformation". These works eventually laid dormant. UNTIL NOW.
And we all have my good friend and Wrestlecrap Emperor RD Reynolds to thank. For last weekend, RD emailed me, asking me what,
if any, memories of "The Mexicools" I had, for he was inducting them into Wrestlecrap lore, in honor of this year's prestigious
STINKO DE MAYO~! which of course is a tongue-in-cheek homage to Cinco De Mayo, which as we
all know is Spanish for...The Fifth of The Mayo! (I may have flunked this class.).
However, while several of my WC Brethren chimed in with a few minor details to help out, I, after heavily
drinking--tequila--in honor of Stinko De Mayo-- sent him back a rambling, ridiculous diatribe of verbal diarrhea, reeking
with the aforementioned "Insanformation" I told you about. I of course never expected RD to use any of it, because of
its sheer madness, so I planned on posting it here in what will be the first of hopefully many of these very-brief writing
flurries that will not only REMIND and INFORM, but question the very validity of my freedom to roam around, amongst normal
adjusted society. I call it "WRESTLING IN A NUTSHELL", as I just basically give you a quick & dirty bio
on an angle or a wrestler that you may have forgotten about. It's a great way to waste time and LEARN. Learn that Mom should
have turned off the TV when I was 11 and taken me to the Psychiatrist, that is. Or in honor of tonight's entry: a PSICIATRIST.
I mean, really, who wouldn't trust a masked medical practitioner with huge protruding devil horns? Everyone? Maybe.
However~! This just in. Apparently RD LOVED my ramblings SO much, that he insisted on using my
write up in this week's Wrestlecrap induction. VINDICATION~! So, thanks RD! And to those who wondered what the actual "Director's cut", full (with even some
parts I didn't include in the email) "Wrestling in A Nutshell" submission looked like, well, here it is. So, let us turn
back the clock to yesteryear and remember THE MEXICOOLS~!:
Ah, The Mexicools. I sadly remember quite a bit about the Mexicools.They debuted as heels all wearing
matching coveralls and driving "Juan Deere" tractors, because, apparently, to Vince McMahon, this is the only vocation
Mexicans are capable of procuring. It was either this, or picking lettuce. But I honestly still think they're saving that
one for Rey Mysterio in the event he's re-tooled. And why not? He'd be great at it. He wouldn't even have to bend-over
to pick them up! The basket would already be up to his shoulders! He'd have a HUGE advantage! Ahem.
However, the Mexicools stint as evil wrestling gardeners was short-lived, because soon they turned
babyface, likely because, quite frankly, who could boo a landscaper capable of moonsaults? (Which I'd assume would come
in tremendously handy for those hard-to-reach branches during pruning. A man who can use gardening shears upside down is a
man I want doing my hedges~! ).
One strange thing though, that always stuck out for me, was them beating down Christian in his hometown
during Xian's "Peep Show" (and with Juvi being on there? BOY, IRONY.) for NO REASON. It never led anywhere and just made
Christian look stupid. In fact, I heard it was SO embarrassing to the Charisma Military, that Christian was officially demoted
from Captain to Lieutenant. His dreams of reaching Ring General may never be accomplished. What a shame.
The trio made their *official* PPV debut beating the bWo in a six man match. The most memorable part of this
was Richards, Nova & Meanie all riding "Big Wheels" to the ring to mock The Mexicool's lawnmower entrance. Oh, and of
course Nova's bandana flying off in mid-match revealing SIMON DEAN underneath, KAYFABE BE DAMNED~! It was kind of like seeing
Batman unmasked as Richard Simmons. Which actually makes sense now that I think about it. Only a gay man would make Robin
prance about in a tiny pair of green scaly underoos. He's got BILLIONS, but can't spring for a pair of slacks? COME ON!
From there, Super Crazy & Regular Psicosis were mostly working as a standard tag team while Juvi or "The Juice" (a
nickname I suggested better suited Batista at that point...) wrestled for and won the Cruiserweight title from Nunzio, in
a match at No Mercy where heat and fan interest was barred from ringside! What, WWE didn't invoke those stipulations?
Oh. On a side note, I always found it odd that Crazy & Psicosis had names that invoked unbridled insanity, yet, Juvi
did not, and HE was the guy whilst in WCW, who got high on Ex and stripped nude in the hallway of an Australian
hotel. My theory was that it was only done to debunk certain scandalous rumors once and for all that he was in fact a
12 year old girl. Let's just hope Shannon Moore doesn't follow (birthday) suit. (and when you already look like a chick anyway,
is rockin' the name "Shannon" really in your best interests?).
From there, Juvi would reign as Cruiserweight Champion, but soon rumors began circulating that he started getting a chip
on his shoulder, or in honor of his Mexican heritage, a tortilla. Apparently, dude started coming up with outlandish ideas
for himself to WWE Creative, but they were all rejected. And not just because the guy had a vocabulary that made Great Khali
sound like fucking John Houseman and no one knew just what the hell he was ever saying. Not even.
After all that "heat",
he eventually lost the title to man who at least exhibited the complete opposite documented drug and attitude problems...umm,
Kid Kash? Holy shit. He was then released. The Juice was indeed loose. There was no ecstasy in the completely legitimate country
of Mexicool that day. There may have been ecstasy in his duffle bag, however. :)
As for the other Mexicools, Crazy
& Psicosis, they continued teaming and feuded with MNM. My suggestion that Crazy & Psicosis call themselves Smarties
to begin an all-out war of delicious hard-shelled chocolate candy obviously fell on deaf ears. Those fools.
Around June of 2006, Psicosis spontaneously turned heel on Crazy, and then...disappeared the next week completely
after doing a JOB for Crazy... and for only one third of what an American gets paid! I'll be here all week, ladies &
gentlemen! Psi remained on WWE payroll officially until November where he was *officially released* after being charged with
Grand Theft Auto in Mexico. If only he was able to toggle through a slew of interchangeable weapons or get the hot vehicle
to the Pay & Spray, this may have all been avoided! Ahem. On a side note, my theory was that the only reason he got caught
at all was, because, really, how fast can a get-away-mower really go? I mean, really?
Anyway, I have no idea what happened to Psicosis (a name he probably kind of regrets rolling with in retrospect,
come court time) but I do know this; if I was him, I'd definitely have broken out that mask while he was in the police line-up!
You know, so he wouldn't stand out at all....
So, ya, that just left Super Crazy. Who I was sad to see never properly treated for the obvious mental issues his name
suggests. A medical condition for the record known in Latin as Luchadorus Insanus. I know this because I have a degree
in Wrestling Psychology. I can prescribe pills and think of logical ways to transition the working of a subsequent body part
into the finish of a match.
But really, calling yourself Super Crazy? A name like that is a cry for help! I'm telling you. In my heart,
I hope, with WWE's guidance and support, one day, somehow, he'll get to the point where he’ll just be known as
"Somewhat Crazy". The help is out there! You just have to ask! Ahem.
That all said, lone Mexicool, the increasingly fat
Super Crazy (Super Hungry?) can currently be not-seen every week on Sunday Night Heat, where he now forms a heterosexual
life-partnership with Hacksaw Jim Duggan! A tandem, where sadly, the enunciation of Crazy's hometown by Lillian usually
lasts longer than the actual matches. But still, it's Duggan & Crazy as a tag team! It's USA and You, Esse!,
making beautiful music together. And a better partnership I cannot recall. I mean, wasn't Jim Duggan a coverall wearing custodian
in his last days in WCW? And yet, here he is, teaming with another coverall wearing landscaper? Some partnerships just
make sense. Even if you can't really unclog a commode properly with a two by four, or cultivate a Mulberry bush with
flying headscissors. Flying head shears? Maybe. All I know is, all they need to do now is find a Dish Washer and
a pool boy, and they can form the greatest stable ever. Even if they all make 35 dollars a week combined.
ya, that's all I can remember about The Mexicools. Other than apparently it's not a real country or something. Boy was
that awkward when I went to the travel agency. Next thing you know, I'll be re-routed when I take my planned vacation
to Parts Unknown next month. Maybe I'll just go to Dudleyville instead. The Weather's nicer this time of year.
Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various
scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Wrestlecrap, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com,
and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.