Oh ya, Bret's gear. Jorts and a black t-shirt. Like a Lesbian golfer. No pink shades either.  And despite my wishes, he also did not gun it down the Aisle in spectacular Undertaker-esque fashion ala Wrestlemania 17 on his ten-speed bike. Complete with little Bell. I mean, you could even reenact Montreal, by having a Vince force someone to ring it. Maybe?

That (tediously) said, Vince (who seems to be slowly but surely transforming into Khan from Star Trek here) seemingly buys off the Hart family (that's A LOT of loonies!) to betray Bret, including the Hart Dynasty, varying siblings and even NICK NOLTE as Referee. Wait. It was Bruce. My bad. He looked wasted, though. And believe me, I know my own kind. It looks like dude's been bombed since '87 and was just now woke up from under the porch with the fucking Hart family bear.

Ok, as for the match...you know what? FUCK YOU. Bret's my favorite ever and nothing could ruin this for me. Even you fickle motherfuckers with your silly standards. I mean, if I held myself to certain *standards* I'd have never met some of the nicest ugly and fat women I've ever had the pleasure of secretly and quietly having sex with and then never calling again. So, there.

GUESS WHAT, THOUGH. It was all a ruse. The Harts were paid in full,  (except Bruce who was paid in food stamps, a fresh change of clothes and a hot bowl of soup) - and each then assisted Bret in FUCKING UP VINCE'S SHIT for like ten minutes straight, including a HART ATTACK by the Dynasty on the floor. It was just like Kill Bill except nothing like that. Think Yokozuna vs. Undertaker at the Rumble in '94 - instead rather than a dozen giant muscular dudes beating down one heroic zombie, it was 12 angry middle-aged Canadians beating up one crying grandfather. Wait.

Anyway, Bret waylays Vince with a chair and a crowbar as Lawler says he's feeling uncomfortable. Although, I heard from my reliable sources (Me) that the F.B.I. just discovered his  secret computer hard-drive. So that could be it. DELETE ALL COOKIES , JERRY BEFORE THEY FIND THAT SWEET APPLES MEMBERSHIP. 

Bret then mercifully puts Vince away soon after (and not into the morgue) with the Sharpshooter. Bret wins! Cole then tells us he just spit in the face of Montreal. Ya, that's what he did.

So, ya. Bret finally screws Vince. And if you read his book, likely just about everything else he could get his hands on.

-Chris Jericho vs. Edge. I'm pulling for the Canadian here. I've never cared much for that smug one.

Jericho retained with a belt-shot and a codebreaker in a surprise. Or not. I mean, Edge yelled "Spear!" for like 6 weeks straight. WHO'D HAVE POSSIBLY SEEN THAT COMING? I mean, it'd be like telling a dude you were going to shoot him for two months - then being surprised when he wears a vest.

After the match, Edge finally got his spear on Jericho--featuring the return of the SPANISH ANNOUNCE TABLE and HUGO~! And wouldn't you know it, they blew the poor bastard up on his first day back to work. "WHY DO I EVEN TRY!" I can hear him now saying. Only it sounds like Bumblebee Man in my head and I laugh and laugh.

-Beth Phoenix, Eve Torres, Kelly Kelly, Gail Kim & Mickie James  vs. Michelle McCool, Layla, Maryse, Alicia Fox & Vickie Guerrero.

DIVAS IN ACTION. (Inaction?). And why not? It's PALM SUNDAY, so I might  as well use it! Hell, I even kicked off my pants and jacked off to Vickie for cosmic balance. The other patrons watching in the Boston Pizza sure didn't seem to appreciate it much, though.

Vickie pinned Kelly Kelly to win the match with a frogsplash. I'd make a joke about a far heavier amphibian being needed to properly coin the hold, but holy shit, WWE didn't mind beating that puntastic horse into the ground here  - and then serving it to Vickie 'cause she'll eat anything! Ha-Ha. ( 'Cause she's fat! WWE UNIVERSE~!!!!!!!).

- Speaking of which, did you know that FCW refers to its "fans" as the "FCW Universe" down there, too? Seriously.  "FCW Space-junk?" Maybe. Dear Christ.

-John Cena is out now and is welcomed to the ring by the Military (who I heard were just taught by Cena himself how to absorb bullets and explosions only to then nonsensically shrug it all off and win the war anyway like nothing even happened!) Wait. Does this mean John has *finally* been promoted to an honorary Ring General now? Poor Sgt. Slaughter has been in the fake military for 30 years and dude's never even made lieutenant. What's John's secret? And why has the military forsaken fellow fake Marine, Ted DiBiase? And why am I talking to myself? All great questions with terrible answers I've already forgotten.

Cena beats Dave with the STF. Fuck you. Buy the show. All you need to know is Dave tapped that canvas like he usually taps dat diva ass (BESTIALITY~!) and Cena's the new Champion...of my heart.

Undertaker beat Shawn Michaels.

Yup. That's all you get.

No wait. I got one. When Undertaker took his straps down, I yelled out, fearing nudity, and anticipating COMEDY, "Uh oh, maybe Undertaker's going to start a new kind of Wrestlemania streak~!"  High fives were then thrown and mighty laughs were then heard. Mine. I was by myself. And lonely. So very lonely.

Ok, Ok, Ok. for you sticklers, Undertaker won with a jumping tombstone after a plethora of false finishes, and when HBK pretty much demanded, "Kill me, and be done with it, already."  Taker then embraced Michaels post-match as only a man who pretty much ended your livelihood can, and Shawn left to a standing ovation after thanking God, who then immediately yelled back, "Don't look at me, motherfucker, I'm still waiting for my Backlash 2006 payoff!"

Oh, and Michael Cole also proudly told us that we at home could virtually feel the emotion seeping (seeping?) from the pores of the WWE Universe. I think that might be the first stages of Ebola, Cole. Might wanna get that shit checked out.  But Hey - any chance THE WWE UNIVERSE has any wayward black holes out there capable of sucking Cole into the Nexus of existence and obliterating him forever? Please?

SOMEONE SAVE THIS FUCKING WEBSITE ALREADY.

New Recappers apply here. (Please? Don't make me ruin another awesome show!).

-My bullshit aside, GREAT show. Two thumbs up and one penis. I enjoyed it top to bottom, much like the way I do other people's wives (I wish i was kidding! And not in jail!). And Thanks for the memories, HBK. It won't be the same without you around salvaging this industry, finding a way to somehow comb an entire two feet of hair around your head so to at least temporarily feign non-baldness, and just making shit better for 25 years. Kudos to you, sir.

I'm Sean.