CM Punk vs Mark Henry w/ Tony Atlas vs Christian vs Shelton Benjamin vs United States Champion MVP vs Kofi Kingston vs Kane vs Finlay w/ Hornswoggle, as always
Well, from a recap standpoint, fuck this. HIGHLIGHT REEL. Henry and Kane were thankfully kept together for much of the time, whether fighting or teaming up, so there was plenty of time without the big lumbering oafs clumsily hitting people with cumbersome ladders. The first big spot was, after just about everyone made a dive on guys to the outside, Shelton one-ups everybody by climbing the biggest fucking ladder and leaping off it with a pseudo-Swanton, taking down everyone. Hornswoggle then makes things ho rrible with a stepladder splash to the outside. Finlay however brings it back up by knocking the shit out of everyone with the little ladder. A bit later, Henry was holding a ladder, only for Kofi to try to climb it and reach the briefcase. This of course was a terrible idea and got him slammed, but still.
Nice Punk-Christian exchange sees a top of the ladder GTS reversed into a huge Unprettier all the way down to the mat. Shelton then navigates the clusterfuck of ladders in the ring to botch a sunset flip off a ladder on MVP, but makes up for it by just powerbombing P over the ropes and onto Kofi, Henry, and Atlas as I realize just how many black guys apparently don't have any money in the bank. Shelton continues to dominate and goes for the briefcase, but Christian gets his own ladder and does the same. The y get on the same ladder and Benji is shoved off while Christian rebounds and grabs the briefcase. Punk tries to thwart it but gets stuck hanging off the ladder by his leg, so Kane just climbs up and chokeslams Christian's ass to the mat. Kane then goes for it but Punk finally gets unstuck and starts punching with Kane. Chokeslam attempt is stopped with a kick to Kane's head that fells him. Briefcase gets grabbed and Punk is once again the winner.
Winner and NEW future World Champion again eventually : CM Punk
Fun match as always. Benjamin especially shined this year, and Kofi and Christian each got in a few cool moves, too. Lillian Garcia is in an outfit that looks weird as shit but shows a lot of skin around one boob so it is okay. Anyway she announces it is time for Kid Rock to come out and sing, and he does. For like fifteen minutes. I had time to make a bag of popcorn, realize it was only half-popped because the popcorn button on my microwave is apparently not compatible with off-brand popcorn, burn a second bag, and then just grab a bag of cheese cubes, and I still caught like half a song. I guess they decided to fill up as much shit into one segment as possible, because the Divas then all entered as Kid Rock was singing.
25 Diva Battle Royal
Mae Young is the guest timekeeper so thank Christ for that at least, but Santino is apparently in this thing as he is in the mass of women in the ring, wearing a dress and a wig. I don't see Trish or Lita or anyone good anywhere. Gail Kim, Victoria, Torrie Wilson and "Sunny" are pretty much the only returning Divas. Anyway, everyone kind of just falls out of the ring pretty quickly, with Santino not really doing anything, and it's eventually down to Melina and Beth Phoenix, but Santino rushes to eliminate b oth of them at once.
Winner : MYSTERY WOMAN
Beth Phoenix looks on disgusted along with everyone else. Candice and Justin Roberts enter the ring, and Roberts gives Santino the mic to announce herself as being "Santina", Santino's twin sister. She cries as she's crowned and sashed before dancing provokatively like Vito used to do while more Kid Rock music plays. This is awful. Jericho vs old guys is next. This show is just not picking up.
Video recap summing up Jericho-Rourke segues into Jericho's entrance and Mickey Rourke is ringside wearing a cowboy hat and dreads and looking distinctly homeless. Ricky Steamboat is out next to considerable silence and he waits on the stage. Jimmy Snuka follows out to a similar reaction. Piper gets a bit of a pop as he enters and his gut is absolutely busting out of his t-shirt. Flair enters last to round things out. Get it, round? Because they're all overweight. Ric hugs Rourke on the way down for some re ason. "Thank you for portraying many of my friends and colleagues in a negative light." Ah well, I guess Flair wants to get on TMZ for something other than committing a crime for once. He then flashes a popcorn vendor and assaults a fan for cutting him off without using a turn signal on the way to the arena earlier in the night. Well, maybe next time.
Chris Jericho vs Roddy Piper, Ricky Steamboat, and Jimmy Snuka w/ Ric Flair, 3-On-1 Handicap Match
Apparently Jericho has to defeat all three guys to win. Piper starts things off by attackling Jericho, clotheslining him over the top and slamming him around ringside before rolling him back in and hitting the shittiest dropkick. It was like a Samoa Joe senton. I mean I think one leg sort of connected. Superfly gets the tag and he gets Jericho up against the ropes to um slap his abdomen before tagging in THE DRAGON. He comes off the top with a slap to Jericho's head. Holy shit these guys suck. A bunch of ar mdrags follow until Snuka gets the tag again for more terrible offense. He starts signaling for the Superfly Splash after a headbutt but Jericho trips his ass up into the Walls and that old bitch taps right the fuck out. Steamboat goes out to tend to Snuka as Piper dominates Jericho with a sleeper that fails immediately. Running enziguri eliminates Piper and we're down to just Steamboat and Jericho. Flair looks on absolutely mortified. Ricky comes off the top with a flying crossbody for a nearfall but Jeric ho takes over on offense, eventually getting him in a modified sleeper, but Steamboat slaps his way out of that. Are they supposed to be karate chops, or, what the fuck is this? Jericho knocks Flair off the apron but RICKY dumps Y2J out of the ring before kind of tumbling over the top rope and Jericho pretended it made him fall down. Back inside for another flying bitchslap and chops as the two put on a surprisingly nice exchange, seeing lots of nearfalls including a beautiful powerslam from Steamboat, befo re a surprise Codebreaker seals it.
Winner : Chris Jericho
Post-match Flair runs in to lay some chops into Jericho but Chris soon Codebreakers his ass, too. He smugly struts around the ring and grabs a mic to say he is the best in the world at what he does and has destroyed the legends before calling out Rourke to apologize for what he said on Larry King or some shit. Rourke just makes a "yap yap" signal with his hands as Jericho continues to trashtalk him. Rourke eventually gets up and bumps knucks with his Randy Orton-clone posse before taking off his jacket and spending twenty minutes entering the ring, taking a boxing stance when he finally does. They circle before Mickey backs him up with some jabs at his face. They go back at it and each continue to hit air until Rourke gets in a shot to the back of Jericho's head that immediately puts him down. Flair then enters the ring to raise Rourke's hand as Jericho rolls out and walks away defeated, clutching his head. Wow. That was awful. Hardys next.
Matt makes his entrance first in an evil trenchcoat. Jeff follows wearing his facepaint so you know he is for serious. Cole and King both argue with JR that Matt might not have been the one who burned down Jeff's house and that it might have been an accident even if he had. I'm not sure what is going on here.
Matt Hardy w/ sellout wrestling tights vs Jeff Hardy w/ FAN FAVORITE cargo pants, Extreme Rules match
They brawl around ringside, with Jeff breaking a cardboard Wrestlemania poster over Matt's head. CARNAGE. Back in Jeff goes for a Poetry in Motion with a chair but misses, and a followup Whisper in the Wind connects with a steel chair swung by Matt. Jeff falls into 619 position as the elder Hardy then goes under the ring and pulls out a bulky little ShopVac vacuum cleaner for a headshot. It um connects. Nearfall. This sucks. Matt remains in control and sets up a table outside, looking for a suplex off the a pron, but Jeff fights it off and knocks Matt to the ground before landing a running clothesline from the apron. Mulekick into the steps and Jeff goes on the attack, wielding a crutch and kendo stick and chasing Matt back into the ring. He then sticks a trashcan over Matt's upperhalf and whacks it some more before dropkicking him in the corner with the trashcan still on, "LIKE A BASS LINE FOR KID ROCK." Man, Lawler is cool. The shirt goes flying and so does Jeff but Matt rolls clear of the Swanton as JR cont inues to explain the pseudo-homoerotic bond that forms between brothers when they grow up without a mom and the dad working all the time. "These boys grew up together, they helped eachother, they took care of eachother, they showered together, they had sex with eachother, they were each other's rocks, and now look at where they are." It was pretty much that only not at all.
Matt tries to go for a Swanton of his own but Jeff stops that early, planting him with a snap superplex. Chairshot knocks Matt from the ring and Jeff lays Matt on the table, meaning Jeff will be going through that table pretty soon. In the meantine, he finds another one and sets it up on top of the first one, over Matt, making a giant sandwich. SHADES OF VISCERA~?! Jeff climbs a turnbuckle and comes flying with a splash and Matt surprisingly doesn't get away. They both sell being dead in the wreckage for ab out a minute before Jeff springs up to roll his brother in the ring for a nearfall. Jeff next brings two ladders into the ring, with one being about two rungs higher than the other. He leapfrogs over the larger one with a legdrop but Matt rolls to avoid it and Hardy essentially takes a fifteen foot plunge on his ass. It'll look awesome in grainy black and white slowmo tomorrow night, I'm sure. Matt then stands Jeff up, puts a steel chair around his neck and hits an awesome Twist of Fate that sees Jeff's fac e slam into the chair seat for...for the win?!
Winner : Matt Hardy
Woah shit. I'm still used to Matt being like barely allowed to beat Gregory Helms. Matt takes his leave, falling down multiple times on his way up the ramp and trying to smile manically and look wild-eyed, but it just comes off as looking like he's, well, like he's from North Carolina. IN THE BACK NOW we see Randy Orton taking his clothes off in the locker room with Legacy watching. What cool guys. That match is later, but in the meantime, we get a lesser title defense.
JBL enters with his Intercontinental belt and a microphone. Bitchtits says Texas has no champions or men, but he is here to be one for them. He'll dominate this match and then fly back to New York on his charter plane. "BOO! Let's cheer for the other guy who will fly back tonight in Coach like we do once every year or two!" Rey Mysterio then enters in a fucking Joker outfit for some reason. He's got a green wig and purple suit and scars on his mask and what the fuck is this shit. Maybe we'll see a double-tu rn here, and Rey will reveal he's rigged the arena with explosives, and try to turn half of the people in the arena against the other half, but that millionaire playboy JBL will reappear in a mask and cape and decked out limo to use the power of cell phones to thwart his plan. Or something. THE B STANDS FOR BAT.
Or I guess Rey is going to wrestle in green suspenders tonight and just no one is going to acknowledge it. JBL boots him down as the ref was holding up the belt and kicks his ass in the corner before the match even starts. The ref has to keep JBL back before the bell rings. Rey then immediately trips JBL up and hits a 619 before scoring a followup frogsplash for the win.
Winner and NEW Intercontinental Champion : Rey Mysterio
Twenty-one seconds. I guess they wanted to keep this one short because guys like Rey don't have plans, they just instigate chaos, so no one had any idea what he was going to do. Yep. JBL remains sitting in the ring with his face buried in his hands for a while before declaring on the mic that he has something to say. He then stands there looking dumb for another long while before saying "I quit." Then he looks around staring some more before leaving. Well allright. This all took about twenty times as long a s the actual match, by the way. More Texanigans up next with HBK-Taker.
Shawn Michaels is lowered down to the stage on a platform spewing white fog to dramatic organ music, looking exalted with his hands outstretched. He then strips down to his regular ring gear, albeit in a white and gold palette, and dances down to the ring to "Sexy Boy." Jesus saves, he strips. I don't know. Taker enters next, rising up from the ground to the stage in darkness and lightning. Who is face here, again?
Shawn Michaels vs Undertaker
The early match starts off with both men going back and forth, with Michaels trying to land in quick shots before running away while Taker is like "Come here you speedy little queer." The Old School connects but a corner splash does not and Shawn hits a shinbreaker and chop block to put Taker down for the Figure Four. Jim Ross says this is smart because Michaels "cannot be chokeslammed or Tombstoned from this position." Thanks Jim. Taker gets out and resumes domination, hitting Micahels with every signature spot short of the chokeslam, which is reversed into a Crossface. Now Shawn is safe because he cannot be chokeslammed from this position! Taker can however simply stand up, and so he does, and pins Michaels for two following a sideslam. Michaels tries to get in some more shit offense, hitting TWO inverted atomic drops. The situp occurs just as the elbow drop was ready to commence and HBK is caught in a choke but he breaks it to hit some Sweet Shin Music. The failed superkick is transitioned into a Hells Gat e, and the ropebreak leads to an apron legdrop attempt, but Michaels rolls clear and baseball slides Taker's ass down on the outside.
A Michaels Moonsault fails miserably, maybe an actual botch, as Taker goes into the ring to lay on his back for no reason before sitting up again. Blatant stalling as the ref continues to try to get Michaels up. Taker then lunges over and out with his usual Wrestlemania dive but Michaels moves and Taker murders a cameraman with it instead. Replay shows that Michaels deliberately and unnecessarily moved the cameraman right into Taker's path before moving himself out of the way. Michaels then drags the ref ba ck in and tries to get him to count out Taker, who is lying dead on the outside. The announcers are selling Taker's injury as legit to the point where they try to convince us that a dent in the floor is from the Undertaker's SKULL. The ref counts, but Taker stirs and gets into the ring at nine. Sweet Chin Music gets started up but HBK of course just gets chokeslammed and Taker of course just picks up a two count. Tombstone is dodged, but so is a superkick, ditto another chokeslam, and a second superkick fin ally connects. HBK's draped arm gets a huge nearfall, so he kips up and then leans over Taker. Taker reaches up for a choke and followup Last Ride but Michaels counters with a rollup, but Taker counters with a successful Last Ride for... another nearfall. Holy shit. The whole crowd counted the three.
Taker goes up top and comes off with an elbow drop but Michaels rolls clear of his own ridiculous move. Taker throws Michaels out but he skins the cat into a headscissors attempt, but Taker drags him over the ropes and hits a Tombstone for, holy shit, another fucking nearfall. Taker looks hilariously horrified and Shawn looks dead. Taker's straps come down and he cuts his throat before attempting another Tombstone but gets immediately DDT'd right the fuck down. Elbow drop from the top rope finally nails Tak er and he TUNES UP THE BAND before connecting with Sweet Chin Music. Another extreme nearfall. They both stumble to their feet and revert to just strikes and chops. A Taker boot wins this exchange and Michaels is hoisted up for another Tombstone but Michaels escapes and lands some chops. An HBK moonsault on a standing Undertaker gets him caught in a Tombstone and Taker quickly plants him for the pinfall.
Winner : Undertaker
Amazing match. I know it's stupid as shit, but I really thought Michaels had it a couple times. An absolute must-see and all that orgasmic drivel. Just straight-up incredible. Taker basks for several minutes of well-deserved posing.
Draft in eight days. World Heavyweight Championship match in several minutes. Whelp, back to shit. After the video package of really terrible things, Vickie Guerrero gets pushed ringside by Chavo Guerrero and Edge makes his intro. I barely know what this feud is even about. From what I gather, Edge and Vickie are still married, Big Show committed adultery with Vickie, Edge is angry about this sometimes but other times not really, and John Cena is here because it's a World Title match at Wrestlemania and Tri ple H is in the other one. Also he apparently has access to security tapes from every arena WWE goes to. Anyway, Big Show enters next, and then John Cena, and holy shit literally about 100 John Cena impersonators just came running out from backstage to his old Word Life theme. Why?! They all line up on either side of the aisle and salute as Cena's real music plays and he enters, running down between the two rows of his clones. What the fuck was that? I think Vince took that "Prototype" gimmick way too serio usly. The bad news is that soon the entire WWE roster will be all John Cena's. The good news is the WWE can only survive for maybe five years tops without generating any revenue. Anyway, considering the twin Bellas still tend to throw them off, I'd imagine the ref's going to be busy as shit monitoring outside interference during this match.
World Heavyweight Champion Edge vs Big Show vs John Cena, Championship Match
Cena gets laid out early and Edge looks for a truce high five. Big Show goes to accept, but then lifts Edge up by his arm and rides his junk on the top rope. That is a resounding "No." Edge gets tossed and Show dominates Cena until he dodges a boot and throws Show's big ass out. Top rope Fameasser connects on Big Show on the outside, but Edge arrives to roll him back in and Edgecutes Cena for a nearfall. Big Show back in too now and this is moving pretty slow. Chavo drags out Cena but he ADJUSTS HIS ATTITUD E before reentering and tying Big Show up in the ropes by his arms. Cena hits all his signature moves on Edge right in front of an even more immobile than usual Big Show, but Vickie arrives on the apron to squeal and distract Cena. Edge throws Cena into Vickie but Cena stops himself from colliding with her, stepping aside to allow Edge to spear Vickie right the fuck off the apron. Show finally gets free and proceeds to kill everyone. Jim Ross says Show's hands are like Tasty Bake Ovens, whatever the shit th at means.
Double chokeslam fails, and so does the ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT, and Show clocks Cena with a KO Punch. The heels then fight outside where a Big Show chokeslam is reversed by Edge into a DDT and he sets up the steps for a leaping spear that was more of a shoulder block that sends Big Show through the barricade. Edge decides to opt out for pinning the still-prone Cena instead of trying to drag 500 pounds of dead weight into the ring, but Cena kicks out and reverses a Spear into an STF. Big Show breaks it up but m isses a Banzai Drop. Cena and Edge double suplex Big Show and look at eachother surprisedly afterward, silently agreeing to a truce. They double clothesline Show over and out, but Edge proceeds to ULTIMATELY OPPORTUNE and gets a nearfall on Cena. The way-too-literal "Prototype" goes up top but Show shoves him off from behind and Edge spears him midair. Edge then leaps on the now in-ring Big Show's back for a sleeper but Cena is in to scoop up both Big Show AND Edge for an ATTITUDE ADJUSTMENT. Edge however l eaps off at the last second, but Cena quickly grabs him after and AA's him onto Show before pinning Big Show for the win.
Winner and NEW World Heavyweight Champion : John Cena
Maybe all those John Cenas were psychics who transferred all their energy to Cena for that crucial moment of hoisting. I mean there had to be some fucking reason for them. Also, during Cena's AA on Big Show, Show had his whole hand down the back of Cena's shorts for some reason. Seriously, some resling nerd out there needs to screencap that. And put a shitty gay joke caption on it, will you?
Up next, all of this year's Hall of Famers get a quick moment to come out and raise their cowboy hats. The Funks, Bill Watts, Howard Finkel, Koko B. Ware, a parrot on the shoulder of Koko B. Ware, Kevin Von Erich, Ricky Steamboat, and Steve Austin, who is in a fucking suit. What a gay old bitch he's turned into. Austin turns and leaves immeiately after they say his name. Guess he had some shit to go do. His theme music then blares and he comes out riding a four wheeler in a t-shirt. What. He drives around t he ring and drinks beer and well you know. Yeah. He gives a can to JR and takes his cowboy hat as JR gingerly sips his beer. More beer drinking in the ring and this goes on for quite a while. He then drives back up the ramp before drinking one more on the stage and leaving. Well okay.
Backlash promo, it's three weeks away. Goddamn. This one's not even done yet. JR makes a dig at Tennessee even though he's from fucking Oklahoma. That's akin to a Somalian saying Mexicans smell like shit. Orton-Trips promo now. Pretty cool, but I mean, Orton has pretty much dominated Triple H throughout this feud, not counting all the times Trips killed Rhodes and Dibiase, and it's the main event of Wrestlemania, and it's for the World title, and Triple H is face. Fucking Finlay had a better shot at winning the briefcase than Orton does at the title. Triple H is shown backstage with the male McMahons, giving Vince a pat on the chest before walking off. Meanwhile, Orton enters first by himself. It takes an extremely long time and Orton has an extremely obvious hard-on. THE GAME makes his entrance next, busting a sheet of glass with his sledgehammer. Give him a hell yeah. Upon entering the ring, he gets on a turnbuckle and looms over Orton on the outside for the staredown. Orton cautiously creeps in for the In- ring intros
WWE Champion Triple H vs Randy Orton, No Championship Advantage Title Match
Trips of course starts this off beating the shit out of Orton in the corner with the ref already threatening a disqualification. Orton then sneaks in as the ref was bitching Hunter out and connects with an RKO. Soccer punt is dodged and Trips plants Orton with a Pedigree. Rands spends the next few minutes attempting to seek solace away from Triple H but he continues the wave of shit-wrecking until Orton reversed a whip on the outside, sending H into the barricade a couple times. Orton awaits the countout bu t doesn't get it, so he takes a turn on offensive. Basically, chin locks interspersed between every other move. The announcers try to say Orton uniquely locks in his chinlock in such a way that it becomes even more dangerous than usual, but I mean it's just not working. The guy is clearly just laying there and it never lasts long or gets sold for more than a second after the fact. H predictably soon "Games up" and wins a punch battle.
They go back and forth for a while, reversing eachother's finishers several times. Triple H eventually comes off the top but gets caught with a dropkick for a nearfall. SOCCER PUNT! Doesn't make it. H catches his leg, stares him in the eyes, and flips him over the top rope. Trips follows out and grabs a television monitor and holds it over Orton's head, but the ref talks sense into him and he decides not to lose his title. Pedigree attempt on one announce table is reversed into a backbody drop onto the othe r table, but it doesn't break. Orton scores an elevated DDT onto the floor from here before returning to the ring as the ref restarts the count for some reason. Hunter barely slides in at nine but gets his shit stomped because of it. Orton soon throws Trips into the ref, surely knocking the wind out of him for several hours, and hit an immediate RKO. Orton then grabs the sledgehammer, but upon returning Trips catches him with a punt to the head. He then nails Orton with the sledgehammer before ditching it a nd just laying into Randall with punches. The ref gets up and tries to stop Trips from killing Rands, so Triple H just picks him up and Pedigrees him for the win.
Winner and STILL WWE Champion : Triple H
Holy shit, Triple H just absolutely killed Orton. I know this was supposed to be the payoff for all the shit Orton did but Christ. Anyway, Triple H celebrates angrily for a bit. We then get a neat little montage of the night which is pretty cool since they just threw it together tonight. It's set to AC/DC though. I mean it's not Kid Rock again, but, still. Video ends, WWE logo, done.
Ultra-important review time. Starting out with the MITB match was a great idea, considering how painful the forty-five or so minutes after it was to watch. The show then improved, becoming boring instead of outright bad, as Hardy-Hardy wasn't even remotely special and JBL's twenty-one second title loss was overshadowed by him taking ten minutes to quit. However, Shawn Michaels and Undertaker put on a perfect match, and despite there being no way to really follow it, they kind of had to, and the World Heavyw eight title match did so in okay fashion. And then there was the Triple H match. I don't even understand why this match wasn't thrown in middle of the card, let alone why they chose it to close the show. Taker-Michaels absolutely should have, and this one absolutely should not. Have. It was just boring. Triple H retained in extremely convincing fashion, nothing entertaining happened, no storyline shit, I mean hell, the highspot of the match was a fucking backbody drop on a table that didn't even break. Just an all-around shit idea to close the show with this match. But, I guess if you get the DVD, and watch the good matches in the correct order, and leave out like three or four of them alltogether, it would definitely be a thumbs-up worthy show, clocking in at a little over an hour and a half.
And now, in keeping with James Walker's tradition of comparing Wrestlemanias to fuckable females, Wrestlemania 25 is like a moderately attractive acquaintance who you would consider settling for because you're gross as shit, but when you start dating her you realize that she was single because she's annoying, and then a bit later on you realize that she's in fact absolutely insane, but after sticking it out (and in and out and back in again) with her for a while, you forget all the bad stuff that came earli er, and you realize you love her, and so you marry her, and you're content with staying with her, but soon you start getting bored with her, and then you realize that you in fact can't fucking stand her, but luckily she gets hit by a car pretty soon after your epiphany of hate so at least you didn't waste that much time and you do have some good memories of her but you still probably wouldn't ever date her again if you had the option. That's Wrestlemania 25. I think I just ruined this tradition. Anyway. END SHOW.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).