Crippled girlfriend: Hhhhhnnnnnnnnnuuuuuuuhhh!!!

That’s right baby. I love it when you talk dirty. And unintelligible.

In all seriousness, it’s a pretty big occasion here at TWF – it’s the 5^th anniversary. 5 years old, eh? Looks like TWF is finally entered into the age group that I like to exploit. I wonder if I’d be able to con it into believing I had a puppy in the back alley.

Then again, by writing this rant a few days after the show, I’m fucking the site pretty hard. Hot stuff.

So here we are again – Wrestlemania XXIV! Hailing from the Citrus Bowl! Thank god we’r ehere, because I was worried that scurvy might become an issue with the wrestlers. Boy, am I glad that Pat Patterson and Steve Lombardi work for the WWE… fruits being in a Citrus bowl? It’s just natural. (Not the homosexuality. That’s filthy, unnatural, and maybe even gay.)

JBL vs Finlay

I love the WWE. Instead of saying what this match *actually* is, they coin a stupid catchphrase for it like “Belfast Brawl”. First off, I wasn’t aware that Belfast had an ample supply of detachable metallic steps and kendo sticks. Secondly, where are all the car bombs? I mean, let’s own up to the name, shall we? Finally, why is it that every city that the WWE names a match after turns out to be a street fight? I mean, wouldn’t it be awesome if there was a Warsaw I Quit match, a New York City 2 (Towers) out of 3 Falls match, or a Kansas City Scaffolding Match? I’m sure Owen Hart would absolutely die to be in the last one.

Also, I love the fact that Hornswoggle has gotten so over. I guess the WWE figured that since Rey Mysterio went down, they needed another midget to take his place. But really, the build to this match started off so well. Who hasn’t wanted to dispatch a leprechaun into steel mesh via a fallaway slam? The fact that JBL stayed over as a heel for that STILL blows my mind. But then, they went and ruined it with that hospital scene, where Bradshaw turned off the lights and did vile things to a midget. Does the WWE not realize that there’s a market for that kind of thing? I mean, put on some clown make up, grab a pair of handcuffs, cut in some synthesized jazz , and you’ve got “Tiny O’Face Comes To The Circus Vol. 4”.

As for the match, it’s what you’d expect out of these two. Some pretty good brawling, a few high spots, and a midget dodging a trashcan. Sounds like a fun Sunday afternoon to me. I do have to say that it’s a pretty charitable thing to pair these two up. I mean, as they’re both pretty stiff workers, the amount of potatoes they dish out is pretty impressive. God knows Finlay could use them. It’s worth noting that Finlay busted out a suicide dive in the match, and I have to say, why is everyone so shocked? I mean, he’s from Northern Ireland. Helllooooooooooooooo? The guy gives credibility to Saliva’s oft-used and never-good “Click Click Boom”. The finish came when Finlay picked up the steps, but JBL attacked him with a kendo stick, which made Finlay inadvertently drop head first into the steps. A Clothesline from Hell By Way Of New York By Way of Sweetwater, Texas finished the match.

Winner: JBL

Backstage, Kim “Doing a sex tape gets you to C-level celebrity status which is good enough to be someone completely forgetful on a wrestling pay per view” Kardashian interviews Ken Kennedy, who – gasp – predicted that he was going to win Money in the Bank. Wouldn’t it be great if someone, for once, said “You know, I don’t think I’m going to win. Simply, I haven’t been pushed much recently, and the only reason why I’m probably in the match is so I can take a bump or two. On top of it, that steroid thing didn’t do much good for my reputation, so it’s probably good for the company if I lay low for the next few years.”

Money in the Bank – CM Punk VS Shelton Benjamin VS John Morrison VS Carlito VS Ken Kennedy VS M.V.P. VS Chris Jericho

I’ve gotta say, Jeff Hardy’s suspension gave this match an immediate intrigue factor that it simply wasn’t going to have otherwise. Forge thte whole “Jeff was the heavy favourite to win” thing… I’m wondering how these guys will wrestle a match without Jeff to swat away the swarm of bees. That’s gotta be why his house went up in flames – those sneaky bees got to it. Either that or the meth lab.

You know, this is the fourth annual Money in the Bank now. Last year, I made a joke that they probably should start calling it an Annual Deposit match. However, I don’t know if that would be a wise investment. In the first two years of the match, it had 6 participants. Last year, there was 8. This year, there was 7. If this were to be an annual deposit, it would be an unpredictable one, as the market is CLEARLY fluctuating without predictability. You’d be better off putting that money into RRVDs. Save for your retirement match. Get some blue chipper stocks.

As for the actual recap of this match… fuck off. Simply, MITB will forever be the WWE’s annual spotfest, and good luck trying to get me to explain the “psychology” of the match. I think even if Freud watched this match, he’d say “Aww fuck it, jump off that crazy shit! THEN ADMIT THAT YOU WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOUR MOTHER”. And trying to detail exactly how six other men conveniently brawled within a few feet from a secure jumping structure isn’t exactly the easiest thing in the world. However, here are the cliff notes:

-John Morrison moonsaulting WITH a ladder

-Shelton Benjamin earning his salary by doing a flip off of a ladder, THROUGH a ladder placed between the barrier and the apron

-Chris Jericho locking in the Walls of Jericho on the top of the ladder

-Kennedy landing a Flatliner from the top of a lapper

-Carlito hitting a backstabber off of a ladder

-Matt Hardy returning to his a twist off fate on MVP off a ladder

Also, tons of people got jerked off ladders, got nailed by ladders, or received other sexual euphanisms about ladders. Teehee.

In the end, Jericho and CM Punk battled on the top of a ladder, and despite Jericho hitting Punk with the briefcase, Punk was able to trip Jericho into a tree of woe position on the ladder, and grabbed the briefcase.

Winner: CM Punk

After the match, Punk celebrated by opening it up and discovered that RVD left his bong in there. Punk then wept a single tear for the children.

Backstage, Cena, Triple H, and Orton all get ready for the match by re-inforcing their merch sales, by fucking the bosses daughter, and by failing to think up one good marketable trait about himself.

We then get highlights from the Hall of Fame Inductance Speeches from the previous night, and from all accounts, it sounded like an amazing time – especially for the speech done by The Rock and Ric Flair. Though, you can’t help but to feel bad for people like Gordon Solie and Mae Young who everyone is simply waiting for to be finished. (In the latter’s case, literally.) The inductees are brought out (mostly), and HOLY CRAP, David Flair has gotten fat.

Can you believe that he’s fucked Stacy Keibler? I mean, the guy looks like a dis-proportionned Jay Leno.

Todd Grisham interviews Snoop Dogg, who is all like “I am here to eloquently introduce a fine gentleman with whom I have enjoyed his companionship.” Festus shows up, and this brings the ire of the best reason to care about Raw’s undercard, Santino Marrela. Snoop then rings a bell to chase Festus off, which somehow prompts Mick Foley to show off his pimped out Socko and to sell his soul even more by saying “Have a nice Dizzle!” Remember the Mick Foley who cut some of the most gutwrenching promos of all time about fans chanting for the Sandman to cane his son? Neither do I.

Umaga VS Batista

I wonder if Batista’s PIT OF DANGER is filled with SAMOAN SPIKES? You know, I make a lot of jokes about the “PIT OF DANGER” thing, but it’s not the only thing that’s funny about Batista’s theme. I mean, look at the lyrics:

I walked for miles inside this pit of danger.
I've swallowed down a thousand years of anger.
The weight of the world is falling on my shoulders.
A place where no one follows me I walk alone.

A thousand years of anger? Ok, so now Batista is freakin’ immortal. Hokay.

The weight of the world is falling on my shoulders? Yeah, and we’r elucky if he can hold it up for half a second before nearly fucking up a powerbomb.

And trust me Batista, if you’re looking for a place where no one follows you, just go to the bathroom in a Mexican restaurant. That, my friends, is a pit of danger.

Umaga, on the other hand, is one of the most confusing characters on WWE TV. I mean, I’ve never understood how the WWE has these Samoan characters that somehow are able to travel the continental US, rent cars and hotels, order and pay for food, have specifically designed tights, enter on queue to theme music, adhere to broadcast standards, ALL without seemingly understanding any English, or have anyone to do it for them. I mean, honestly, if Umaga was a legit “savage”, he’d CLEARLY be saying everything twice, use way more elbow drops, deflower the daughters of his bosses, and then perform the worst rap album in history. Geez.

As for the match, I actually had high hopes. Batista can deliver when given the right opponent, and Umaga has shown that he can put one some very entertaining matches if he’s given the opportunity. Unfortunately, the match fell flat on it’s face, and what we got was an uninspired clean (not to mention botched) finish with a powerbomb.

Winner: Batista

Backstage, we see Floyd Mayweather and his posse enforcing black stereotypes by hanging around. If you caught that joke, then I applaud you.

Oooh, now we get a recap of the riveting “Hey, so, guys, we don’t care enough to book you on Wrestlemania, but would you mind going in the ring for a few minutes and pretending like you give a shit?” Battle Royal to determine who would face Chavo Guerrero Jr. for the ECW. Kane won. I’m sure you’re entertained.

Kane VS Chavo Guerrero Jr, ECW Championship.

Screw all the haters – Kane is fucking untouchable. He’s been dealt the most ridiculous gimmicks I’ve ever seen, had the worst angles, and the most limiting scenarios, and STILL, the guy is over. Which basically is the polar opposite from Chavo Guerrero. The guy was one of the few midcarders allowed to win during the Invasion, part of the Smackdown Six, had lengthy programs with Rey Mysterio and Eddie Guerrero, and STILL cannot get over. I was going to write a joke about Chavo being Bizarro Kane, but I honestly can’t thing of two more opposite wrestlers in the WWE – and here they are, facing off at Wrestlemania. Neat.

Chokeslam. 3 count. New champion. I miss Pepe.

Winner, and new ECW Champion: Kane

Obviously, this is a reward run for Kane, for all his years of putting up with bullshit. The guy hasn’t held a title for two years, a singles title in over five years, and a world title in almost ten. Then again, it’s the ECW Championship. It’s got about as much prestige as a cheeseburger at Dairy Queen.

That little girl from the Cosby Show is older, has some tits, and is chubbier. She also does stuff with sick kids… like get them PUDDIN’ POPS?! I hope so.

Mike Adamle is back stage with Ricky Fair, and Dick Flyer cuts a promo saying to be the human, you have to defeat the van. WEEEEEEEE!

Ric Flair VS Shawn Michaels

Flair’s new robe makes him look like a grandmother who’s recently become an angel, yet is still in her dress from the funeral. Sexy. Very sexy.

You know, that whole “Old Yeller” promo from Flair before this show got me wondering: is the WWE really promoting euthanasia? I mean, I know on their tours of Japan they have wrestlers-in-asia, and I know from their announce team that they are okay with king-in-youths, but to knowingly kill an employee because he’s too old? I don’t think that’s the right course of action. However, if they’re too shitty, Too Cool, or too Snitsky, then I approve.

The story of this match is simple: Ric Flair can’t keep up with Shawn Michaels, but hell be damned if he’s not gonna stop trying. Shawn Michaels proves why he’s maybe the best active wrestler, still, in the business today by being able to carry Ric Flair to a match like this. In one of the crazier spots I’ve seen in a while, HBK goes for an Asai Moonsault, and crashes and breaks an announce table, without any protection or anything to break his fall.

I remember the last time I didn’t use protection. Good times.

You can tell the crowd is into the match, because when Michaels lies Flair up for the Superkick, the crowd boos him. That simply doesn’t happen south of the 49^th parallel. Flairs catches the kick and  locks in a figure four… Michaels fights it, and “reverses the pressure”. I’ll never understand that spot. I mean, it’s not like all of a sudden, gravity clamps down on Flair’s legs and is all “MAAAHAHAHAA FUCK YOU”.

The match continues with more near falls, and it builds up tot the finish wonderfully. HBK lands a Sweet Chin Music out of nowhere, and lines Flair up for a second one. Flair starts to stir up, and spots Michaels. HBK looks hesitant, and Flair calls him on. Michaels pauses, says “I’m sorry. I love you”, and superkicks the shit out of him, for the 3 count. I’m gonna try that on my girlfriend.

Winner: Shawn Michaels

After the match, the emotion is off the chart. People clapping, crying, hugging. Sounds a lot like the time I found I had the clap, started to cry in the doctor’s office, then gave him a hug him when he gave me a prescription.

Backstage, Edge cuts a good promo about ruining the dreams of small children. I like your style, creeper.

Ashley & Maria VS Melina & Beth Phoenix (w/ Santino Marella), Special “Random Celebrity In The Match For No Apparent Reason”: Snoop Dogg

You know, I think I have it figured out. If the WWE plans on pushing a diva as a wrestler, they get a last name. If they’re gonna be T&A, then it gets pulled out faster than the US Military from Iraq if a hippie became president. Good thing too, because we wouldn’t want Iraq to get preggers.

Snoop Dogg has a pimped out golf cart. It charges you $50 a ride.

As much as I love boobs, I can’t stand these playboy Wrestlemania matches. However, this year, it had something spectacular: TECHNICAL FAILURE. Yes, the lights went down during the match, resulting in… well, nothing, but I’ll be damned if it didn’t at least make me excited. Why, you ask?  Well, think of it this way. A stereotypical black man with four distractred and scanitly glad attractive women. Suddenly, the lights go low… either they’re getting mugged, or if Oz has taught me anything, rape! YAY RAPE.

The finish involves Santino, Jerry Lawler, and a lot of anal lube. … what?

Winner: Melina & Beth Phoenix

After the match, Snoop takes out Santino, then makes out with Maria. Sippin’ on gin and tongue.

John Cena VS Triple H VS Randy Orton, WWE Championship

Cena gets a marching band during his entrance. Imagine how awesome that would be during sex.

I just don’t understand why people like Randy Orton. I mean, he’s not horrible, but main event status at Wrestlemania? That’s like saying your Ford Taurus wagon is a bad-ass sports car.

I’m also severely disappointed that Triple H didn’t make another ridiculous Wrestlemania entrance. He had Conan the Barbarian… would be too much to ask for something like Skeletor? Tell me you wouldn’t mark out for that.

You know, I can’t help but to think back to all three of these wrestlers’ debuts, and laugh. Does anyone remember tights & boos “Ruthless Aggression” John Cena? Or Greenwich Snop, Hunter Hearst Helmsley? Or “I can’t beat Reverend D-Von and Deacon Batista” Randy Orton? The compare these debuts to ones like Nathan Jones, Sean O’Haire, and La Résistance, and it just goes to show that sometimes, the WWE has no real clue about what kind of talent they’ve got. Then again, they did fire Billy Gunn, so they’re not totally retarded.

Honestly, this match is one of the fastest-paced triple threat matches I’ve seen involving wrestlers weighing more that 200 lbs. Instead of building up to an intense finish, the whole match felt like an intense finish. Do you know what else is intense? Camping.

BAHAAAA! HAAA!

Christ… remember when they tried to push Orton as a face? And remember how they tried to do it? As a concussion-prone dude banging Stacy Keibler. If there’s two things I hate in this world, it’s the handicapped, and people who bang Stacy Keibler. If there’s three things I hate in this world, it’s the handicapped, people who bang Stacy Keibler, and jews. Fucking jews. Who do they think they are, having their own faggy star. Bah.

Cena gets booed, Triple H gets cheered, and Orton gets chop blocked. Cena picks Hunter up, but Triple H reverses into the pedigree… only for Orton to break up the pin with the concussion kick, and covers Cena for the win. What the fuck?

Winner and still WWE Champion: Randy Orton (?!)

Well, I’ll be damned. Didn’t see that one coming.

Floyd Mayweather VS The Big Show

Remember when Big Show last wrestled on a PPV? It was December to Dismember, maybe the worst WWE PPV – EVER. In that event, he lost cleanly to now-unemployed Bobby Lashley, and then quietly disappeared from WWE TV for a year and a half. Now, he’s in one of the most hyped matches at Wrestlemania, and seems to have reached a level of perma-overness that they tried to force upon him for so long. So let this be a lesson to you: Suck at your job? Go away, then beat up someone way smaller than you. Instant credibility.

Floyd Mayweather has quickly become one of the best heels in the WWE – seriously. While they tried pushing him as a face at the start, that quickly went away, as the guy is a natural shithead. Then in the matter of a couple of weeks, he had the entire wrestling landscape wanting to get his ass kicked, all while promoting the absolute living hell out of the event. In all seriousness, I can’t believe that some people were giving this guy flack, because he’s done an amazing job as the token celebrity match.

As for the match, it’s not so much of a match but a wonderfully booked segment. Obviously, Floyd has very little wrestling experience, so they worked around it as best as they could, working in very few actual bumps – and when they did, they were very safe. However, they weren’t unrealistic, and they actually made sense given the context of the match.

The finish sees Big Show thwarting off Mayweather’s goons, but Mayweather grabs a pair of brass knuckles, clocks Big Show in the jaw, and win via KO.

Winner: Floyd Mayweather

Man, you can’t help but to feel for Big Show. The guy has only won one match in at Wrestlemania, and it was a tag match against Carlito and Chris Masters. I think the guy is now 1-7. All this, and the guy is still over, and infact, probably more over now than he’s ever been. The WWE would be pretty dumb not to push him at this point. As such, I expect to see Big Daddy V to look superior to him in the coming weeks.

Celebrity woman with a big ass announces that Mania has drawn an attendance of 74635. 75636 if you count Stephanie’s fetus as a person. AND ABORITION RIGHTS GROUPS DO COUNT THAT, YOU KNOW.

The Undertaker VS Edge, World Heavyweight Championship

This just in: Undertaker gets a bad-ass Wrestlemania entrance. In other breaking news, I’m writing this rant naked. Shocking, I know.

Ok. So. I hate Michael Cole. The following are phrases I’m going to refuse to allow to EVER be written in a rant by myself, ever again, as Michael Cole has beaten them like a dead horse at Mike Tyson’s anger management class.

-         Vintage Undertaker

-         Best pure striker in WWE History

-         THE STREAK IS OV…

-         Ultimate Opportunist

-         Machiavellian-like

I’m not going to bother dissecting each line, but trust me – they’re all completely retarded. Speaking of dissecting the retarded, man, I got a hell of a weekend planned.

The match starts off with Edge working the ribs/back, and Taker landing some stiff strikes, setting up for the potential gogoplata. Taker busts out his annual ridiculous plancha, and I can’t help but to wonder if Taker would have been a better pick for Weekend at Bernie’s. Edge gains the advantage though, wick a backdrop ON the barricade. We didn’t get a good camera angle of it, but it looked pretty awesome. Pretty awesome? That’s the nickname for my penis. … and the non-existant tag team of Paul Roma and Mike Awesome.(which happen to be the names of my testicles)

Taker goes for a chokeslam, but Edge counters to a DDT on the way down. That gets a 2 count, so Edge lines up for the spear, but Taker counters into the Chokeslam, but the cover only gets two! It would seem Taker is working the neck hoping for the gogogadgetplata later on in the match.

Edge avoids the Last ride with a neckbreaker, but Taker gives it another shot and lands the Last Ride! 1… 2… kickout. Man, I don’t know why he didn’t go for the  gogopowerrangersplata there.

Bore big moves back and forth. And in a nice nod to the Hell in a Cell, Edge lands a big TV camera shot on Taker, but to no avail. Edge then does the DUMBEST THING IN THE WORST by trying to Tombstone the Undertaker. This over course fails miserably, and Taker lands a Tombstone of his own, and here comes a new ref! 1… 2… Edge kicks out! Taker can’t believe it, but hey, he’s set him up well for the gogopartyplata.

The artists formally known as the Major Brothes come out, but Taker quickly dispatches them. The distraction allows Edge to land a spear… but it only gets two. Edge lines up for another one, hits it, but Taker locks in the we’re not in Kansas any more totoplata, and after fighting it for a while, Edge taps out!

Winner and new World Heavyweight Champion: The Undertaker

Show Highlight: Without a doubt, the Flair/HBK match. Absolutely amazing stuff here, and they put it all on the line. However, that doesn’t mean that the rest of the show was lacklsuter. Mayweather/Show, Edge/Taker, MITB, JBL/Finlay, and the Triple Threat match all delivered.

Show Lowlight: When the lights turned off, lolz.

Overall Show Thoughts: Really, you can’t complain. It’s Wrestlemania. The WWE hasn’t screwed one up for a while, and I get the feeling that they won’t be doing it any time soon. They’ve got an established formula – A couple big title matches, a couple awesome spotfests, a celebrity match, and an overly emotional grudge match. It works well, and the WWE knows it. This year, they did a very good job of using it, and the results were very good as well. Was it the best Wrestlemania ever? No. But I’d easily put this in my top 10. Last year, I said that Wrestlemania 3 is the smoking hot cougar, 17 is the chick with the push up bra on the bus, and 23 was the girl who buys a bran muffin at Starbucks and smells nice. Wrestlemania 24 is that girl that shares your interests, is attractive, and you actually hang out with, but she says she just wants to be friends. But when you got drunk you two totally made out, and you were way drunker than she was. Don’t ask me why.

Thumbs up.