By James Walker
Hey there, kids! Wouldn’t you know it, I’ve crawled out of my hole and back to my homepage away from my homepage of The Wrestling Fan! It turns out, google wanted me to pay rent, so I was all like, “Pfft, Uncle Sean will take me back”, and then when I showed up to Sean’s front door with my bags, he was all like “Uhhh, I’m kinda busy, dude. I haven’t had a woman here for over a year…”, I quickly made my leave to his soggy and cold garden shed. It’s ok though, the pneumonia isn’t that bad. Yet.
However, tonight, like MNM at December to Dismember, I’m back for ONE NIGHT ONLY! In that, I’ll pop in whenever Sean needs to bash someone’s face with a ladder, until he catches me pumping my ass full of anabolic steroids. In other words, I should be fired come Thursday.
Anywho! It just so happens that tonight is also WHERE IT ALL BEGINS ON THE GREATEST GRANDADDY STAGE OF THEM ALL WHERE LEGENDS ARE MADE THAT ARE ALL GROWN UP, GONE HOLLYWOOD, AGAIN! That’s right folks, it’s the night where YOU, the hardcore wrestling fan, gets shoved to the curb like a hooker who’s just finished a backseat blowjob, in favour of SPORTZ ENTERAINMENT EXTRAVAGANZAS like Playboy models fighting for a wrestling title, Donald Trump, and Saliva. So, without further mindless stalling, let’s get to ENDLESS AMOUNT OF HYPERBOLE!
Money in the Bank 3: Edge VS Randy Orton VS King Booker VS Finlay VS Matt Hardy VS Jeff Hardy VS Ken Kennedy VS CM Punk
You know, seeing as this is the 3rd such match in as many years, can we stop calling it “Money in the Bank”, and start calling it an Annual Deposit? This is like saying you’re “just friends” with someone whom you’re bumping uglies with every second Tuesday. … which is just fine with me, for all you ladies out there. All 4 of you. (Hi mom!)
Edge – you think you know him. Actually, yes, I do, because his love life has been splattered (poor choice of words) all over the internet for the last two years. It’d be more apropos if it went “You think you know what I ate for dinner last night”.
Randy Orton – HEY, there’s nothing you can SAY… to make me start liking you.
Matt Hardy – Get this: He can slap a tornado, dry up a sea, but he STILL can’t buy a win at Wrestlemania. Shows you where his priorities are at. Lay off the superhuman abilities Matt, and work on some armbars or something. Geez.
CM Punk – INCOHERENT SCREAMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’d make fun of the other people for their theme songs, but I’d rather just make fun of the wrestlers. I’m that nice of a person.
was a fun-filled match that, I felt, was an improvement over last year’s attempt. They basically took a look a Freud
and his so called “psychology”, and threw it out the window faster than a manic depressive
Oh, the hell with this. Honestly, it’s a friggin’ ladder match with 8 guys at the biggest wrestling show of the year. There’s more spots here than a leopard in a polio ward. How’s about I skip the “normal” big spots, and get to the OMGWTFBBQ spots that, umm, I feel like writing about? Now, to summarize about 8 minutes worth of action:
- People got smushed.
Edge goes outside of the ring, and grabs a ginormously tall ladder form under the ring. I know we here at TWF discuss things like this often, but why the hell is 16-20-24-whatever foot tall ladder doing underneath a wrestling ring? Are there any ostentatiously elevated and impossible to reach lights in the arena that may need replacing in the middle of the show? Then again, I suppose it makes sense… I mean, Big Show isn’t around these days, so maybe the ladder will take his place as the thing that “you just have to see live to appreciate how big it is”. Which is also what I say about my penis, but unfortunately, no one takes me up on it. Maybe I shouldn’t say it at Christmas dinner anymore.
Oh, yeah, I was going somewhere with this. Ok, imagine this: A ladder laid across the apron, over the floor, on to a guard rail. Got it? Alright, now picture Edge laying down on this, seemingly out of it. Ok, good. Next, there’s that ungodly tall ladder set up inside the ring. Ok, here’s the important part: Jeff Hardy dropping the craziest leg drop of all time off of this ridiculously elevated ladder, on to Edge, BREAKING the ladder in half. If you’re gonna youtube one thing from this match, this is it.
Ok, then we get such goodies as an RKO off the ladder, Bookend off the ladder, Celtic Cross on to a ladder, and a Lambeau Leap to Little Bastard off a ladder. Really can’t complain about that. In the end, it comes down to Kennedy and Punk battling it out on top of the ladder, and Punk knocks him down, but only for Kennedy to know the ladder over, and allowing Kennedy to climb a different ladder to grab the briefcase. Awesome spotfest.
Winner: Ken Kennedy
After the match, Todd Grisham interviews Kennedy backstage, who then cuts a sweaty promo about something, but I’m too busy wondering how the hell TODD GRISHAM appears on Wrestlemania, when someone like, say, Ric Flair, doesn’t.
THE GREAT KHALI VS THE MEDIOCRE KANE
You know, I have to say that I’m a little surprised Kane is carrying around a menacing hook these days. Especially considering that it was only a few years ago that Kane was feuding with Gene “Coathanger” Snitsky, it seems a little hypocritical, if you ask me…
Oh, and by the way, uhh, fuck this match. Seriously, big ol’ piece of shit. Khali does his “classic” OHNOESMYARMSARESTUCKINTHEROPES spot, which really amounts to nothing, aside from Khali bodyslamming himself for a two count. We get the good ol’ double goozle, which turns into Khali chokebomming Kane, for the win with one foot on his chest. *****!!
Winner: OH KHALI YOU’RE SO FINE, YOU’RE SO FINE, YOU BLOW MY MIND, HEY KHALI!
Backstage, we had the pleasure of watching Cryme Type, Mae Young and Moolah, Reverend Slick, Eugene, Sgt. Slaughter, Pat Patterson, Gerald Briscoe, Gene Okerlund, Mike Rotunda, Howard Finkel, RICKY STEAMBOAT PLUS NINJA SUIT, and Dusty Rhodes dancing. Honestly, there’s so many damned jokes I could make right now involing theft, old crusty vaginas, fried chicken, short busses, Iraqi sympathizers, homosexuals, homosexuals, boat captains, bald hair, and curioius birthmarks, I don’t think you have enough time to read em all. Your loss.
Chris Benoit VS MVP – United States Championship
As much as I’m digging MVP and his weekly battles against little-known-national champions, I’d prefer it if he wrestled Al Snow every week. I mean, when Al was running amok as European Champion, he’s dress up as a guy from France or Spain or whatever – imagine the possibilities nowadays! How I love low-card throwbacks.
Anyways, nice little match here, but I can’t help to feel that this belonged at Armageddon or some half-ass PPV, because that’s what this build felt like. To put it in perspective, it had the same vibe as the guy who shows up to his wedding in a t-shirt and jeans, saying “I didn’t realize this was such a big deal…”
Anywho, Benoit outclassed MVP with some chain wrestling, but MVP started working Benoit’s arm a bunch. However, Benoit still rallied off a boatload of Germans (not this) leading to doing something I haven’t seem him do in AGES: Pin a man after the flying headbutt. Pretty good match for what they were given.
Winner, and still United States Champion: Chris Benoit
Backstage, Donald trumps asks for a sandwich, and gets The Boogeyman. Worst. Assistant. Ever.
Lillian announces that the attendance at Ford Field tonight is a whopping 80 103. I’m sure we can trust this number, because when has the WWE ever lied to us about Wrestlemania attendances?!
We also get an introduction of all the Hall of Fame inductees. Is it just me, or does this show already have WAY too much Dusty Rhodes on it?
Batista VS The Undertaker – World Heavyweight Championship
Batista walked a mile through a pit of danger, you know. I don’t know about you, but where I come from, when a pit is a mile wide, I might upgrade it to crater status. I mean, imagine those Triple H/torn quad return hype videos, but instead of gruesome scenes of surgery and x-rays, we got clips of Hunter putting a band-aid on his knee and saying “Yeah, it was getting a little sore after my bi-weekly croquet lessons.” I’d also like to wonder exactly what defines a “pit of danger”. I mean, are there a bunch of Indiana Jones-esque booby traps lain all over the place? Will little statue have to be replaced by an equal-in-mass section of Bob “Sandbag” Holly? Oh, and for the record, despite the fact that Batista was only walking through this supposed pit, he was STILL blown up 3 minutes into it.
In all seriousness, this match was far better than it had the right to be, which I’m going top chalk up to Undertaker making sure of such, and agents going over it thoroughly, like Hogan/Warrior. I honestly doubt you could have asked for a better match between these guys, as they all busted out their spots, including Taker’s suicide dive, which is always a great visual. Also, Batista actually landed a shoulder block from the top rope, in something I didn’t expect to see. Oh, they also played homage to Wrestlemania 17 (Triple H VS Undertaker), when Taker reversed the 10 Corner Punches into the Last Ride, but Batista kicked out. In the end, Batista made the EXACT SAME MISTAKE EVERYONE MAKES, in trying to Tombstone the Undertaker. Seriously, Batista is like the kid who sees his little brother get zapped by sticking him tongue on a nine-volt battery, so he sticks a fork into an electrical socket just to try to show him up. In both cases, I think we all know what happened next.
Winner, and NEW World Heavyweight Champion: The Undertaker.
Backstage, Vince mugs in the mirror when STEPHANIE MCMAHON shows up and RUINS WRESTLEMANIA WITH HER VERY PRESENCE. Alright, that might have been taking it a little far, but the hell if I care, I had to sit through her and Vince wrestling in an I Quit match. (Which is odd, considering how she wheels in a baby carriage with “Aurora Rose” in it, a.k.a. a TV Camera, to wish Vince luck in his match… continuity ++.) Anyways, Vince then proceeds to cut a promo TO THE “BABY” saying he’s going to GIVE TRUMP A SKULL FRACTURE. Then, apparently, the baby “took a Trump”. HA HA HA!
The New Breed (Elijah Burke, Kevin Thorne, Marcus CorVon, and Matt Striker) VS The ECW Originals (Rob Van Dam, Tommy Dreamer, Sabu, and The Sandman)
So two black guys, a vampire, a teacher, two stoners, a masochist, and a drunk walk into an arena…
This match turns out to be one fall to a finish, meaning no elimination rules or anything. Maybe they announced this on ECW a few weeks ago, but, umm, I don’t really watch it. I have better things to do, like, alphabetize my blood type.
La la la la la, Striker gets DDT’ed and Five Star Frog Splashed (Who decided it was a “5 star: frog splash? What would be a 2 star version, eh? Maybe a Val Venis VS Trevor Murdoch Sunday Night Heat version? I dunno.) and the originals win. A NEW BREED ON A LEASH!
Winners: The ECW Originals
ECW World Heavyweight Champion Bobby Lashley, w/ Donald Trump, w/Some random broad & money raining down from the heavens VS WWE Intercontinental Champion Umaga w/ Armando Alejandro Estrada & Vince McMahon, special Referee: “Stone Cold” Steve Austin – Oh fuck it, you already know what’s going on by now.
I have to say, the WWE has done one hell of a job promoting this match. I know that personally, I haven’t been as hyped for a match since Big Show VS Viscera for the WWF Title on Monday Night Raw on December 6th, 1999!!!
But seriously, how sad is it that core wrestling fans can’t drive up ratings during Chris Benoit and Eddie Guerrero title reigns, but Donald Trump slapping Vince McMahon will? This is like finding a cure for cancer, and it’s by having unprotected sex with some one infected with HIV.
Ok, let’s get this straight. Any match involving a McMahon will NEVER be booked simply. In fact, we’re going to have ref bumps, run ins, foreign objects, highly choreographed high spots, and probably Steve Austin landing stunners all over the place. This is exactly what we got in this match: Umaga got frustrated by Austin’s “hands on” referring, so he landed Samoan Spike or two. This lead to Shane McMahon running in, helping Umaga out, and landing the Van Terminator, just because. Lashley and Umaga decided to throw in some high spots, which included a dangerous looking plancha from Lashley, and Umaga getting dropped from the top rope. Oh, also, in the “we’re gonna milk this moment in every video package about this show forever” moment, Donald Trump landed a clothesline on Vince, just because that’s what you do at Wrestlemania. No word on whther or not Steve Austin tried using this as an excuse to curb stomp Debra.
In the end, Austin ducked a Spike (not this), hit a stunner, and Lashley landed a spear for the 3 count.
Winner: Bobby Lashley
After the match, Shane got a Stunner, because THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THERE IS A MCMAHON IN THE RING. Honestly, this family attracts Stunners like grade-school swimming championships attract me. (Meaning, the guilty party has a bad track record, and despite the fact that you know it’s going to happen, you still think he’s going to let you finish that beer/candy.)
After the match, Vince tries to weasel his way out of the stipulation, but trust me Vince… you can only plead so much until the Judge discovers that you actually have child porn on your Blackberry, and you’ve been watching it in the courtroom, and sends your ass to prison so fast that you’d think that you’re in Guantanomo Bay or something. Stunner (take a shot), and Trump gives McMahon a Mr. Clean haircut… and even shaves an eyebrow, for no apparent reason. Oh, then Trump got a stunner, just because. DON’T TRY TO FIGURE IT OUT. IT’LL ONLY HURT YOUR BRAIN.
Oooh, we get highlights from Gregory Helms & Chavo Guerrero VS Ric Flair & Carlito, the dark match of the evening. Alright, ok, so Ric Flair DID appear on Wrestlemania. MY BAD.
Ashley VS Melina, with a bunch of broads around the ring that’ll do absolutely nothing, WWE Women’s Title
Is it just me, or does Melina remind you of a shaved gorilla with breast implants? And doesn’t Ashley remind you of an inflatable doll? (One size fits all, at the same time!)
Oh, and I know what you’re all wondering: NO, not a SINGLE titty fell out. Though, I’m going to continue to buy every single WWE PPV with women on the card, because it’s not like they use double sided tape or anything! It’s bound to happen sooner or later!!!
Hey, look at that, Melina rolled Ashley up after 3 minutes of bullshit. WELCOME TO WRESTLEMANIA![/Vince Voice]
Winner: Plastic Surgeons, everywhere.
After the match, all the face divas ended up conveniently dancing in the ring, because celebrating failure is the best thing in the world. Right, George W. Bush?
George W. Bush: MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!
Shawn Michaels VS John Cena – WWE Championship
So, you say he’s a sexy boy, eh? Don’t tempt me, Shawn. It’s a sin, and you damn well know it.
Oh ho ho, John Cena arrives is a Mustang and BREAKS THROUGH THE GLASS! Jeez, I’ve never seen a wrestler make an entrance at Wrestlemania by breaking glass, especially not 10 years ago!!!
Interesting to note that a streaker ran into the ring during the entrances, but alas, the poor asshole didn’t even get on camera… nor did his face! Ha ha. Ha. HAAAAAAAAAA.
I find it interesting that Shawn still comes to the ring with DX music, yet even when Triple H was healthy, he still came to the ring to Motorhead if it was a singles match. HMMM.
Crowd is solidly behind Shawn here, despite Cena’s best efforts. You know, I just can’t figure it out… the crowd will go fucking ape-shit for the guy during raw, but the minute he’s on a high profile PPV, the crowd decides Ruck the Fules harder than they’ve ever been rucked before, and it rucks everything up. I mean, come on people, hucking fell! By doing stuff like that, you’re acting like fothermucking losers. Seriously, if you keep it up, you’re fucking faggots. …
Ok, the serious bit: Shawn works over Cena’s knee. Got it? Good.
Hey, you know what I like about HBK? The fact that he was able to turn the other cheek, and not seek revenge on God for no showing at Backlash 2006. I mean, if I were in his boots, I’d have looked to throw that asshole through the Pearly Gates (in a segment called St. Peters Barbershop & Etherial Judgement). Then again, I’m pretty sure that God, after an eternity of watching HBK wrestle, would know damn well to duck when he heard the stomping of feet. After all, it only took his 7 days to create the earth, so he’s a quick learner. Also, it’s probably wise that Shawn DIDN’T start anything, because let’s face it, if you piss off God, you’re gonna get frogs rained down on your ass SO HARD, and then, blam, he’ll flood your planet. Smart move, Shawn.
Shawn pretty much dominates, until Cena bails on a charge and HBK cuts himself on the ring post. From there, it’s Cena’s turn to dominate, and not in that kinky prison sort of way. (If you’re interested in that, drop me a line at email@example.com. Surprise me in my sleep, I like that a lot.).
Cena eats a piledriver on the steel steps, and it busts him open. Don’t worry John, Sometimes love is like a slow dance. You can tiptoe around, but don't make a sound. You can make a little silent romance. But sometimes love feels like a fight,it feels like an argument it feels just like a PILEDRIVER!
Oooh, check it out, they’re reversing and ducking finishers all over now! In all honesty, it was a pretty nifty series of reversals that leads in to the STFU, but Shawn, after an eternity of being in the hold, makes it to the ropes. Cena holds on for a little long, so the ref is all ike “Now John, you know that’s not right”, and John is like “I know, it’s just-“ WHAM SUPERKICK. 1, 2, kickout. Aww fuck, I bit hard on that one. John attempts what must the 43rd FU of the match, but Shawn escapes, but he escapes right into another STFU. …. And he taps out.
Winner, and still WWE Champion: John Cena
After the match, Shawn refuses to look Cena in the eye, and walks out. Cena still salutes him, because let’s face it… it’s pretty danged honourable to not be able to admit defeat.
Show Highlight: The Main event was a damn good match. Hell, so was MITB. Umaga/Lashley and Taker/Batista were a lot better than I though they were going to be. MVP and Benoit can fit into that category as well, and I already had significant hopes for that match. And, on top of it, the show just FELT important. That’s the thing that all the other PPV’s lack, is the sense of something special. Whether or not it is ACTUALLY good is irreverant, you THINK it is because the crowd is so hot and because it’s WRESTLEMANIA. This show used these advantages to it’s fullest, and it came off well.
Show Lowlight: Eh, the Kane/Khali Match was balls, and the Women’s match sucked hard. The ECW match was pretty vanilla as well, but I think that’s because of the time they got. I’d have also preferred to see more build-up to the US title match, but whatever. Honestly, everything that you thought was going to suck, did. No surprises here.
However, my main gripe is that of the placement of the Main Event. While Cena/HBK was probably the best match of the night, the fans weren’t totally satisfied by the ending. Either change the winner, or put the WHC match on last.
Overall show thoughts: It’s Wrestlemania, people. It’s pretty hard to fuck it up. Let to good guys go over for the most part, pull out all the stops on the big matches, and hype it like a mother fucker. The WWE did exactly that, and it worked. Not the best Mania of all time, but certainly not the worst. On a scale of Wrestlemanias, 17 is that smoking hot girl who sits across you on the bus every morning with thetight push up bra, 3 is that cougar you always see in the bar on the weekend who eyes you up, and 23 is the girl in front of you in the line at Starbucks with a fleece sweater who buys a banana nut bran muffin and doesn’t look you in the eye, but smells nice. … don’t ask me why. Thumbs up.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).