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WRESTLEMANIA XXWWE WRESTLE
MANIA XX:
(03/14/04)

Hey, hey, I'm Sean Carless, and it's time for Wrestlemania! But first, for those who forgot what country you live in, "America The Beautiful" is performed by the Harlem's boy's choir! Meh. I can't be the only one who'd prefer, maybe, the, umm, Harlem Heat? Stevie Ray can maybe work something in about fruit booties between the Eagles soaring or something. The Yaks would love it.

Opening montage highlighting past Wrestlemania's, while not forgetting to put over Vince. Can't forget about that. Closing shot is of Shane and his new baby while the phrase "Where it all begins...again" is heard. The shot of HHH and Vince laughing maniacally, while Vince pointed at Hunter's gift of a "World's Greatest Dad" T-shirt, with HHH locking the midcard in the dressing room, pouring some gasoline and lighting a match, was thankfully left from the broadcast.  

John Cena Vs. (C) Big Show: U.S. Championship match;

We open with a U.S. heavyweight Title match, featuring the fightingest U.S. champion, never! Anyway, Cena pops the crowd first with a rap. Somewhat of an awkward match as Cena is basically working with a wet bag of laundry here. Not as offensive as it could have been considering that Show is apparently injured though. Show turns things around after an early Cena flurry, and chops him in the corner. You see, it hurts more BECAUSE HIS HANDS ARE LIKE SKILLETS. Great. That's just what this guy needs, something else you can prepare large quantities of food in. Big Show then hits the "Hog log" which might be the dumbest name for a move EVER. Sounds more like something Show left swirling in the Locker room toilet. Show applies a Cobra clutch (~!) soon after, but Cena gets out of it and gets a sudden FU out of nowhere, but Show manages to kick out at 2. This prompts Cena to grab his chain, but the referee confiscates it. However, this briefly diverts the Ref's attention, and Cena uses his "Word Life" knux to punch Show in his "type-writer" head, thus negating any future potential Hemmingway classics if Show chose to indeed pound one out on his skull, and Cena finishes with a second FU to win the Title. THERE IS NO STOPPING THE AWESOME POWER OF HIP HOP. So don't even try.

Winner & *NEW* U.S. Champion: John Cena.  Hopefully, now that Cena is U.S. Champion, he can defend the title with the same honor and prestige that Show did. But, be wary Mr. Cena; it's all up hill from here, as you'll be expected to defend that Title maybe two, three times every six months. A tough schedule to be sure, but one I'm sure you can handle. Good Luck.

/5

(C)"Tokin' Blackguy" (RVD & Booker T.) Vs. The Dudley Boyz Vs. Mark Jindrak & Garrison Cade Vs. La Resistance (Dupree & Conway) World Tagteam Title at stake;

This match is not bad by any means, but honestly, it just felt like a throw away match. In the case of Jindrak & Cade, I'd have preferred that be literal though. Oh well. But hey, you just HAVE TO give that Mark Jindrak a PPV payoff! He has an INCREDIBLE vertical leap, don't you know! Now if only we could convince him to do it off a cliff.

Anyway, RVD & Book are your defending champions here, having defeated Ric Flair and Batista a few weeks before. I picked my brain to come up with a patented ridiculous Sean Carless team name for these two, and it came down to "Tokin' Blackguy" and "Rob Wendy's", but ultimately, I decided on the first. Clearly, I made the right decision. I think.

For the record, Someone SERIOUSLY needs to buy Bubba some long slacks RIGHT NOW. If I wanted to see a grown man try and squeeze his way into a pair of children's shorts, I'd just hangout with Rob Feinstein. Anyway, this is your typical multi-person match where there's always someone there to break up an attempted cover. Eventually all hell breaks loose, and Booker T. looks to be 3D fodder, but Garrison "Can't I just be Lance now" Cade breaks up that attempt. Conway then attacks Booker, while everyone else is brawling on the floor, in hopes of finishing him off, but Booker kicks him low, and hits the scissors kick; and from there RVD hits a quick five-star frogsplash to pick up the win. I'd put over the fact that a team representing the French was done in by a frog splash, but I'm not that kind of guy. Oh, wait. Yes I am.

Winners & still champions: Rob Van Dam & Booker T.  I'm loving this combination. But hey, I'd think it's only natural. When you're a pot head like Rob, who better to associate with than a black guy with dreadlocks? Some stereotypes just make sense.

/5

-Backstage, Eric Bischoff sends Jonathan Coachman in search of The Undertaker, and I smell some possible Leslie Nielson "hilarity" coming.

From there, a stage-hand tells Coach that "Freaky" noises are coming from a room down the hall. When Coach opens it, out spill Mean Gene Okerlund and Bobby "The Brain" Heenan, who look ruffled and are covered in lipstick. Of course the culprits can only be two people...Moolah & Mae Young. Poor Bobby. I tell you what, if I just beat cancer, I might aim my sights a little higher than making out with my Grandmother in a broom closet (although she is a great kisser). Lymph nodes can be replaced. Your dignity can't...

Christian Vs. Y2J;

This whole feud came about because one man forgot the time honored tradition of Bro's before Ho's. Excellent match in my opinion, as both men clicked very well, and Christian's heel persona is SO winning me over. We all know that this one can't end until Trish makes an appearance and she does eventually. Christian ends up tossing Trish into the ring which causes Jericho to snap, like only a man who equates the worth of his woman to the world's most worthless currency can do. Y2J then goes to check on Trish, but she throws a blind elbow thinking it was Christian, and Jericho stumbles back into a roll up and pin by Christian.

After the match, Trish SWERVES us all and turns on Jericho, as Christian beats him down and delivers an "Un-prettier". Trish then kisses Christian in a less the virtuous manner meaning she has fully transitioned into a BY GAWD JEZEBEL. WWE Misogyny in the Hizhouse!

Winner: Definitely Christian. I might follow Christian's awesome example and try and convince a friend of mine to place a one dollar bet on his hot girlfriend if only so she can become mine through some unrealistic convoluted fashion... but on second thought, I might kinda need that Loony. KFC has 2 dollar Classic sandwiches every Tuesday. Can't pass that up.

/5

Evolution (Randy Orton, Batista & Ric Flair) Vs. Rock & Sock Connection;

Is it just me or is Rocky's Tattoo seemingly eating him alive? Every time he shows up it's bigger than the last time we saw it. At this rate, by Wrestlemania 21, Rock should just be a pair of eyes floating to the ring.

Anyway, another great match that had it all; drama, action, comedy and the greatest Wrestlemania moment EVER as Ric Flair attempts the single GREATEST people's elbow in history.

Everyone worked incredibly hard, and the crowd was very much into this, and rightfully so. The big story here of course is the issues between Foley & Randy Orton, and eventually after Rock was worked over for a decent stretch by all three heels, Mick gets the hot tag, and goes right after Orton, blocking a cheap shot attempt, and getting the mandible claw. Batista makes the save and dominates for a while, until Foley applies a desperation claw to him, but once again that's broken up. Foley then makes the hot tag to Rock, who comes in a destroys everybody. Spinebuster to Batista, but Flair attacks from behind, and sets up the aforementioned People's elbow which sees Flair take about 30 seconds to hilariously strut and dance, which then allows Rock to kip up and annihilate Flair. Orton then tries an RKO on Rock from behind, but he transitions that into a big Rock Bottom. Flair makes the save, and Batista comes in and hits the spinebuster and Demonbomb, but Rock still kicks out. Rock finally gets the hot tag to Foley, who looks to finish Orton with Mr. Socko, but you see, Evolution is a mystery, full of changes no one sees, especially Mick, as Orton ducks out and hits an RKO out of nowhere for the shocking win. Great match.

Winners: Evolution. Darwin would be so proud.

/5

-They recap the Hall of Fame inductees which include, Jesse Ventura, Heenan, Tito Santana, Don Muraco, Sgt. Slaughter (who must've recently switched to more Atkins-friendly K-rations) Billy Graham, PETE ROSE, and Big John Studd and JYD, who had the GAUL to no show this ceremony. Oh that's right, they're dead. But hey, so is Undertaker, and he STILL Made it! What's their excuse?

Torrie Wilson & Sable Vs. Stacy Keibler & Miss Jackie, "Playboy Evening Gown Match".

Good booking by WWE here, 'cause when you think of "Playboy" you always think of fully clothed women in "Evening Gowns" right? Right?

Anyhoo, this one had the potential to get as messy as the sofa cushions of all the heroes watching it. And it definitely didn't disappoint. If you were "expecting" a complete blunderfuck of a match, that is. Sable grabs the mic before the match, and says that she and Torrie will start the match in their bra & panties. Her voice however is so shrill that my dog's head exploded scanners style right next to me. He was 4. And I loved him.

Anyway, Stacy complies, but Miss Jackie seems a little apprehensive to disrobe, which is a little a strange considering she SHOWED HER FUCKING TITS ON NATIONAL TELEVISION. Torrie & Sable then force her into her underwear by violently stripping her. It's funny, because I always seem to get arrested when I do this. Anyway, an actual match breaks out in the loosest sense, (hey, just like Sable!) and the whole big fat abortion comes to a climax (as do I) when Torrieberg pins Jackie. Man. That was terrible. So much so that I could barely repeatedly masturbate to it...

Winners: Kleenex! They must have made a bundle of this PPV thus far!

/5

-A bunch of teenagers are seen talking about how cool it is to be at Wrestlemania. They are subsequently stuffed in their lockers the next day at school.

Cruiserweight Open (featuring Nunzio, Jamie Noble, Kidman, Shannon Moore, Ultimo Dragon, Funaki, Rey Mysterio, Tajiri, Akio &  (C) Chavo Guerrero)

This a gauntlet match, meaning two men start, and every time there's an elimination another dude comes in to take his place until everyone is eliminated. Kind of like what'll happen in a couple of weeks when the WWE does it's annual roster cuts. Hey, just saying.

Rey Rey carries on the Comic book character look this year too, this time mirroring The Flash, which is called "Spider Man" by Tazz, who obviously was too busy choking people out or exposing his genitals to sun-tan parlor attendants to ever actually read a fucking comic. Also, poor Ultimo gets a near-shockmaster moment during what was supposed to be his career highlight when he slips during his intro. Poor Ultimo. His WWE tenure hasn't exactly worked out too well for him. But hey, who could say they didn't see this coming? There just comes a time, when after an agent pulls you aside, and actually has the nerve to give you a tape of A-Train, saying "do this", to just go ahead pack up your spikey mask, and catch a plane back to Nagoya. Hell, take Brock's. He won't be needing it after tonight...

Dragon starts things out with Shannon Moore, and pins him with the Asai DDT (Fun fact: HE IS ASAI! Fun, eh?) to eliminate him, but soon after he's toast by Noble, who chokes him out with a front guillotine. Hey, since when do trailer park people know complicated submission moves? Know the lyrics to every Leonard Skynard song ever? Sure. Catch as catch wrestling? Not so much.

From there, Funaki gets eliminated next in about 3 seconds after Noble counters a body press. See you at next year's Lestlemania![/racism]. Nunzio is next, but he gets counted out after Noble stuns him with an incredible top rope-to the outside senton flip. Remember when they were supposed to be "cousins"? (despite the fact Italians in trailer parks are rarer than Michael Jackson's penis in a woman).

Billy Kidman is up next and dives onto both Noble & Nunzio, who are arguing on the floor, with a HUGE Shooting Star Press...that nearly kills Kidman. Apparently God will never allow ANYONE to ever hit this move at Wrestlemania.

Back in the ring, Kidman eliminates Noble with a BK Bomb which is a version of D-Lo's old "Sky-high" powerbomb,  and not a fast food sandwich apparently.

So far it's very rushed, and Rey comes in next and eliminates Kidman with a crazy top rope sunset flip bomb. Tajiri is called in from there, and he and Rey put on a brief clinic. I then wonder to myself what kind of "clinic" a "Dr. Mysterio" would run, then balk at the idea when I realize taking medical advice from a dude with white eyeballs probably isn't the best idea. Tajiri looks to spit the mist in Rey's face, but he ducks and it connects with Tajiri's henchman, Akio. Rey quickly pins Tajiri. Akio apparently is now too "blinded" to compete. Poor bastard, his first WrestleMania and he gets the gimmick spot.  But hey, being blind didn't stop Nidia from wrestling at No Way out a month ago. What a pussy. Tajiri then blindsides Rey before he leaves though, and Chavo (who is last to enter) tries a sneaky pin, but to no avail. Finally though, Rey attempts a sunset flip but Chavo drops to his knees and gets an assist from the ever pimping Chavo Senior from the outside to retain.

Winner and still champion: Chavo Guerrero! If only Rey had dressed up as Superman. He'd have been able to at least go back and win the match by circling the earth until he changed the Earth's rotation, which as we all know causes one to go back in time (and not fling billions of people to their deaths). But sadly he didn't. I don't know what he was thinking.

/5

Goldberg Vs. Brock Lesnar w/Steve Austin as Referee, "Loser leaves the WWE... right after the winner" match....

This match had to be seen or "heard" to be believed. The crowd obviously got hold of that "new fangled Internet thang" that Vince seems so terrified of, and heard that BOTH men were leaving, because they absolutely SHIT on this match.  But you know, I can't say I blame Goldberg for bailing out of the WWE. With all the rednecks, burning crosses, "Elimination Chambers" and giant Germans running around this place, it's not exactly the safest working conditions for a Jew right now...

The match itself was absolutely horrendous as both men kept stalling and the crowd's disdain just kept growing and growing, until full chants of "This Match Sucks" , "We Want Bret" and even "Hogan" were bellowed. It was just surreal. For the record, Brock got only three offensive holds in, with two of them being REST HOLDS. Note to Self: When the crowd chants "This match sucks" perhaps repeatedly using slow non-physical moves may not be the best idea. Just saying. The only move that got a pop was the F5, but when Goldberg kicked out of that the crowd booed again. Goldberg does recover though, and hits his spear & jackhammer...to complete apathy. Goldberg gets the win to finally put this abortion to rest.

After the match, the crowd chants that "na, na, na" song at both men, and Austin FINALLY pops the crowd by laying Brock out with a Stunner. He then toasts Goldberg (who the crowd continue to shit on) until he stuns him too. Wow. A WrestleMania moment to be sure, but not like they'd want, I'm sure. The biggest irony of all is that Austin "retired" because of the fear that he would put on stinkers, and here he was REFEREEING his worst nightmare.

Winner: Not a damn soul.

/5

WWE Tagteam Title 4 way match: APA Vs. Bacardi & Cola (Haas & Benjamin) Vs. The Bashams Vs. (C)Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty: All Interest is Barred From Ringside!

Unfortunately for these guys, they had to follow the last match, which acted as the equivalent of opening an outer-space air-lock door in the Garden. Rikishi & Scotty are your defending champions here, and this might be the only case I can ever think of where people would look forward to the combination of "ASS" and "Worms".

Anyway, uneventful but inoffensive match, but the crowd is more subdued than Stephen Hawking with a mouth full of valiums.  They do keep this one short however, but thankfully somewhat fast paced. The ends sees Bradshaw hit the "Clothesline from that place you go when live a life of unrepented sinfulness" on one of the Bashams, but Rikishi quickly hits Bradshaw with a Samoan Drop (or "The Drop" as it's known in Samoa) to put an end to that. Rikishi then just casually sits on a Basham for the win. Bleh.

Winners and still champions: Rikishi & Scotty 2 Hotty,  who continue to party post-match like it's 1999 (literally) as they dance their way into the hearts of, well, nobody...

/5

(C) Victoria Vs. Molly Holly; Women's Title Vs. Molly's mop;

This match also seemed to suffer from the "Brockberg" vacuum earlier. Very solid performance by both women who are arguably the two stand out performers of the division currently. Very anti-climatic finish though as Victoria counters an attempted Molly "Widow's peak" into a backslide for the pin. Molly realizes her hair is history and tries to bail, but Victoria, after suffering a brief beating herself, manages to strap Molly into a chair with heavy buckles and restraints, and shaves her head. (no word on whether the chair actually belonged to Bradshaw). For those interested, Molly does get the full shaved head and not the Kevin Nash yellow buzzcut of stupidity like we saw in the last hair Vs. hair match. God, give Molly credit. Not many women are willing to be completely shaved. And believe me, I ask all the time! All right then.

Winner & STILL Women's Champion: Victoria. She wrestles a HELL of a lot better than she dances. Unless she has epilepsy. In that case, I'm sorry. And with that said, thanks for still ripping off your pants and proving to us all, that just because you're amidst what appears to be the throws of a wildly dangerous seizure,  it doesn't mean you can't still be sexy while you potentially die. You're an inspiration to everyone. Clearly.

/5

Kurt Angle Vs. (C) Eddie Guerrero: WWE Title match.

Ah, yes. Lying, Cheating & Stealing Vs. Lying...about the condition of your broken freakin' neck? Sounds about right. Awesome match here, but hey, what did you expect? The crowd was brought back to life during this one which is a testament to both men's story-telling. The first half of the match is worked primarily on the mat, but Eddie's facials and Kurt's intensity keep it interesting. Big turning point comes when Eddie misses the Frog Splash, and Kurt eventually hits his crazy running top rope armdrag. I think I'm going to do that to the old man in the park that feeds the pigeons, just to see what happens. Eddie does eventually hit the Frog splash, but Kurt tenaciously kicks out, because he's Kurt Angle, damn it. That, and like Darkman before him, his copious amounts of injuries have rendered him totally void of pain & reason! We'll soon know there's more in common with them if Kurt's chrome-dome starts to bubble and smoke by match's end...

Anyway, Angle applies the ankle lock soon after but Eddie manages to get to the ropes. Eddie sells the ankle like it was broken and unties his boot, to seemingly relieve the pressure. Eddie's expression as he sees Kurt's shark-like look at his vulnerability is PRICELESS. Angle like a psycho goes straight for the ankle, but Eddie's boot comes off and he slips free. It was just a ruse to escape the anklelock! AWESOME. Kurt, angry, does a blind charge but Eddie quickly rolls him into a small package and scissors the rope with his legs for extra leverage for the pin! Eddie rules. Bottom line. The psychology in this one was off the chart.

Winner and STILL WWE Champion: Eddie Guerrero. Making basic racist stereotypes work for 15 years!

/5

Kane Vs. "Almost" The Undertaker;

The crowd was so STOKED for Undertaker, giving the evening's loudest pop to the Gong and the shrill of Paul Bearer, who is heard saying "Oh Yesss!" The full druid intro is given (are there even druids in New York?) and The Undertaker is introduced looking....kind of like he did before... only with a black trenchcoat and cowboy hat. In fact he seemed more like fucking "Brave Starr" then the Deadman in my opinion. "Then one day, A Law Man appeared, with (undead) powers of Hawk, Wolf, Puma and Bear."...

Once the lights came o,n it appeared that Undertaker was in fact wearing the exact same attire as his American Badass character. Maybe they just dug his ass up from the arena at Survivor Series, and he hadn't had a chance to change yet? I don't know. All I do know is I doubt his mortuary services would be to reputable with those cumbersome shoot-fighting gloves on. I can just picture him using some poor schmoes corpse as a speed bag as he lays in the "soup bones".

 Anyway, Undertaker dominates Kane from the onset only really getting stunned when Kane hits a desperation chokeslam. The crowd EXPLODES when Undertaker suddenly does the zombie sit-up, and chants tombstone until getting their wish. 1,2,3, done. 12-0.

Winner: Taker Texas Ranger. As much as I looked forward to this return, I kind of feel somewhat disappointed. Other than rolling the eyes, Taker had no make-up, no outfit, nothing to connect to the old image. Just "Mean Mark" in a singlet with zombie powers. It was kind of like watching Batman fight crime without the suit. Kind of a let down in my opinion. I mean, how hard would it be to just cut the fucking sleeves off a shirt?

/5

HBK Vs. Chris Benoit Vs. (C) HHH: World Heavyweight Title match.

First thing I have to mention is that Benoit was announced as from being from Atlanta, Ga. and not Edmonton, Alberta. Great. First our beef is not up to your standards, and now you steal Chris Benoit from us. YOU'RE RAPING CANADA! But we wanted it. You can just tell by that look in our eyes.

All three men worked their collective asses off and the crowd cheered on the right man here, which made the story even more compelling. The Garden crowd absolutely ate up Benoit's plight to become Champion, at the expense of Shawn Michaels, who despite what WWE will tell you, was never all that popular in NYC to begin with (See Survivor Series '96). It must be also noted though that HHH looked in WAY better shape then the last time we saw him, so no fat jokes...for now.

Crazy bump of the night sees both HHH & Michaels (who were standing on one announcer's table) double suplex Benoit through the other. Poor Spanish guys. They should seriously call the action in one of those cages you see bands play in in redneck bars. Anyway, from there, Shawn does a sick blade job, as does Hunter.  My theory on Hunter's, is like a disgruntled housewife getting drunk before mandatory "sex", Hunter needed to bleed himself out to the point where he got so fucking woozy, he'd forget he was doing the job here, and spare himself the unbelievable mental anguish of actually putting someone over whose name didn't end in Michaels, Nash or umm, Razor Ramon? That's right.

The last 5 minutes of this one was more compelling then I can remember seeing in a long time, as everyone was teased as possibly pulling it out here. Benoit gets a monster pop when he applies a Sharpshooter to Trips, but HBK ends that party with some Chin Music, and because he's the only allowed to fuck someone over with that move. Michaels then tries the cover but Benoit kicks out. HBK then tries another superkick, but Benoit ducks and pitches Michaels out of the ring. Benoit then turns around into a waiting HHH, as the crowd gasps as HHH sets up the pedigree; but somehow, Benoit counters into a Crossface! Triple H to his credit tries to fight free, but Benoit rolls through the counter attempt still holding onto the crossface! HHH then taps out and the crowd erupts! New Champion (and a CLEAN job to boot, wow.)

A teary-eyed Benoit celebrates, and Eddie Guerrero comes out to congratulate him and the two embrace. Great Finale.

Winner  and NEW World Heavyweight Champion: Chris Benoit. His boyhood dream has finally come true! Mine was getting laid. Sadly, only one of ours came true tonight.

/5

Final Thoughts: Although hot and cold at times, this pay-per-view delivered when it mattered most, putting over some NEW faces (Orton, Christian, Eddie & Benoit) and for the most part having the right people going over. And in the end that's all we can ask. Thumbs up.

I'M SEAN.

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Sean Carless is a man of many hats. And he wears those hats to cover an ever-increasing bald spot. Sean's various scribblings have been read at Live Audio Wrestling, 411 Mania, Honky Tonk Man.com, The Toronto Star.com, and Lethal Wrestling. He has also cured AIDS.

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TWF FLASHBACK

November 2006

SATIRE: DISCONTINUED WWE XMAS PRODUCTS!

by Sean Carless

With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).