Hello, Wrestling fans, and welcome to the only teenage granddaddy outside of maybe folks from the Appalachian mountains, Wrestlemania! The Showcase of the Immortals! Only the kind who don't cut heads off with broad swords. Pity. There are more than a few guys out there who probably deserve it...
-Opening Wrestlemania montage! Hey, since when do they have pay-per-view access in a fucking barn? I call shenanigans on that one.
We are live from Seattle, Washington. Home of Grunge Rock and lead singers who blow their fucking heads off. If only we could get a few people on WWE Creative depressed enough to follow suit. If only.
Your hosts for the evening's festivities are Tazz & Michael Cole for SmackDown, Jim Ross for RAW, and Jerry Lawler for any teenaged girl naive enough to not suspect anything's afoul when he asks them to sit on his lap. That's right.
Before the PPV, on Heat, they had a RAW World Tag Team Title match, because let's face it, no one wants to see a TITLE MATCH on the actual paid broadcast, when you can watch two non-wrestling broads waste 15 minutes doing nothing (or no one. Come on! I've seen a few of this Kitana Baker's "films" on Skinemax! Get your heads in the game!)
... Anyhoo, here's what went down!:
"Roasted Potatoes" RVD & Kane vs. (C) Lance Storm & Chief Morley for World Tag team Titles;
Isn't it ironic that this match was relegated to Heat? I mean, obviously someone was worried about RVD stealing heat from the so called "Dream" matches and as such, and decided to bury Ol' Rob so deep on the card that he'll probably be eating breakfast in Beijing tomorrow.
Lance Storm & Chief Morley of course are you defending champions here, after William Regal went down with an injury and the Chief just sort of become champion by default. Usually, you have to have had your cock in the boss's daughter to have that honor. Anyway, with the ascension of the former Val Venis to "Chief of Staff", I got to thinking, perhaps there's more openings (tee hee) for porn stars in politics than we figure? After all, who couldn't get behind say Jenna Jameson for office? Or better yet, who wouldn't want to just get behind Jenna Jameson, period? Or even more so than that, who HASN'T gotten behind Jenna Jameson? You could probably throw a regulation NBA basketball threw her cooter and have it be all net. I'll leave poor Jenna alone now.
HEY, THERE IS A MATCH GOING ON HERE! RVD delivers all of his chemically induced goodness, and Lance & Val eat more potatoes than a struggling turn of the century Irish family. JR keeps mentioning that RVD & Kane are an "unlikely duo" and irritating me. How are they unlikely? If you smoked as much fucking cheeba as Rob, you'd keep a guy who could light a bong with his fucking fingertips around too. Am the only one who sees this? Am the only one who cares? Umm, probably.
Finish comes when Kane chokeslams Lance, and RVD goes to, and I quote, "the high rent district" (I wonder what market value is on that top rope?) for the five-star, but Morley shoves him off. This brings out an interfering Dudleys, who 3D Lance. But Bubba changes his mind in allegiance as RVD covers for presumably the winning pin, and drops an ELBOW on him, and Lance gets the winning pin. Wait. An elbow? What is this, the fucking 1987 Survivor Series? Who gets beat by an elbow drop? Somewhere, Scotty 2 Hotty is probably standing around saying, Dear God, at least dance or something first! That shit is weak!" I mean, isn't this the same Rob who once kicked out of being tombstoned off the top rope in ECW? Isn't this the same Rob who dared to outshine everyone during the Invasion thus building up a still-standing paranoia amongst upper-tier stars? Umm, obviously.
Winners & STILL champions of the whole entire World, although I hear Uzbekistan still doesn't recognize them: Lance Storm & Chief Morley.
Onto the live pay-per-view broadcast!
Ashanti sings "America The Beautiful". I'm sure there's a few dudes hiding in caves right now with beards that would make fucking Rip Van Winkle blush who might disagree. But fuck them. They can't see this show. Or can they? If that motherfucker in the barn can watch Wrestlemania, maybe Osama can get a coaxial set-up down there too? I don't know.
Rey Mysterio w/ some 'Splainin' to do to Stan Lee Vs. (C) Matt Hardy w/ Shannon Moore w/o testosterone.
You know, I have some issues with Monster Magnet who sing Matt Hardy's theme music. Despite their boasts, it's actually not that easy to slap a tornado. I don't suggest ever trying it. It didn't nearly work out as cool as I thought it would. Strange.
Anyway, this is Rey's first ever shot at the cruiserweight title, and his first ever Wrestlemania. He comes to the ring dressed as Daredevil... if the blind superhero was washed several times over on the cold cycle. Anyway, a good little match here, but really short, tragically. One really awesome spot saw Matt go for a razor's edge on Mysterio while standing on the 2nd buckle, but Rey-Devil countered that into a rana. Rey then hits the 619 and goes for the West Coast Pop, but Matt ducks out in anticipation. From there, Rey ends up on Matt's shoulders and goes for a victory roll but Matt sits down in mid-roll, grabs the ropes, and gets the pin! Things clearly might have worked out better had Rey-Devil used his telescopic walking stick of justice. Use your (inordinately tiny) head , Rey.
Winner and STILL Champion: Matt Hardy, Version 1. The only dude outside of Hef who can pull off wearing his fucking pajamas in all real-life situations.
-The Miller Lite cat fight girls have arrived! Your PPV dollars at work, ladies and gentlemen!
-Oh noes! Nathan Jones, Pro wrestling's safest hand, because nothing he does actually makes even remote contact, has been laid out by the F.B.I. in the shower! Wait. Why is Jones wearing pants in the shower? What is this, fucking Weird Science? Although, I guess, when you spent time in prison like Big Nat has, it might be a precaution. Just saying.
-Ladies and gentlemen, WWE's favorite band in the WORLD (as announced. Seriously!) Limp Bizkit! Somewhere out there I'm sure Drowning Pool has something to say about that. WWE has that fucking "Bodies" song cued up at all times. Anyway, for one night only, Taker gets "Rollin'" back. What s shame. Now we'll never get to hear the greatest lyrics ever written on the big stage. "Nice guys always finish last, but Bad asses..always kicking ass!" You can't buy talent like that. Trust us. Whoever wrote that probably tried.
Undertaker vs. A-Train & Big Show in a handi-cap match
Anyway, since Nathan Jones and his two left feet are still out cold in the shower, (not the best situation to be in whilst Bradshaw is around) this leaves Taker without a partner against both Big Show & A-Train at the same time. Man, Undertaker's going to have to pull of the greatest miracle since Jesus raised Lazarus from the dead here. With that said, Undertaker handled himself accordingly, taking it to both men at once. Finally, the heels get the momentum, and Show hits a big chokeslam on Taker, but hey, here comes a zestfully clean Nathan Jones! He takes out Show with a spinning kick of good intentions on the arena floor, and comes in with one for A-Train too. This allows Undertaker to scoop up and nearly kill Albert with a tombstone piledriver. Man, one more inch there and A-Train would be a fucking bear-skin rug right now. Oh ya, Taker gets the pin.
Winner: The Undertaker! I don't know why anyone even bothers wrestling Undertaker at Wrestlemania anymore. WWE's heels are worse than fucking Bond movie villains. Ya, this'll be the time Bond dies. Sure.
Jazz vs. Trish Stratus Vs. (C) Victoria w/ Steven Richards for Women's title
Adding Jazz to this match with Trish & Victoria is the equivalent of that hot girl who brings her fat ugly friend with her on your date, and genuinely ruins your evening. And I guess that's the point here. Jazz's involvement is guaranteed to make your erection go from full mast to turtle in like .6 seconds, thus forcing you to actually concentrate on the wrestling, which was actually very good for the record. Finishing sequence sees Stevie try and get involved by first taking out Jazz, then trying to hit Trish with a chair, but she ducks and he hits the ropes and it bounces back into his face. Newton is then heard rolling over in his grave at that mockery of physics. And then since he can roll, he starts yelling "Let me out! I'm not really dead!". Trish then gives Stevie the Stratusfaction, counters out of Victoria's widow's peak, and finishes Victoria to win the title with the chick kick, which contrary to popular belief was not invented by Steve Austin.
Winner and NEW Champion: Trish Stratus. Two thumbs up, and every other appendage I gots.
-Backstage, Rock is interviewed by Coach. He says he could care less about the People. "No Eyebrows/elbows for you!" [/Soup Nazi.]
(C) "Bacardi & Cola" (Haas/Benjamin) vs. Los Guererros Vs. Chris Benoit & Rhyno, WWE Tag team Titles;
I love this Benoit/Rhyno tandem. But I'd have preferred them to be actual opponents here tonight, if only because I wanted to see perhaps the most comical lockup in wrestling history. These two are the only two dudes on earth who can lock up at arms length and still have both their chests touch. If they win the titles tonight, I hope they try a celebratory hug, then pause, and awkwardly posture, before just looking at each other and shrugging.
Anyway, decent little match here. Haas & Benjamin actually look good out here too, despite only being in the big dance a little while. And speaking of Team Angle, I too wanted to have a faction of my friends in which I'd name "Team Carless". Sadly, no one's bit yet. Evidentially they refuse to believe how cool it would be. Their loss...
Match picks up when Benoit gives Chavo a rolling German (not Dr. Strangelove), not once, not twice, but four times, and looks to finish, but Benjamin comes in with a stiff kick to end that. Rhyno then comes in and gores both Eddie and Chavo, but he gets pulled to the floor allowing Benjamin to score the pin and retain the titles.
Winners and STILL Champions: Team Soon to be no Angle.
HBK Vs. Y2J;
Big pop for HBK coming out. He has a huge gun that shoots confetti. I think he must have borrowed it from the Canadian Military. That's all we can afford these days.
Anyway, this was the match that turned the show around no doubt about it. Both men wrestled a classic encounter, and even emulated each other's trademark holds and spots, with Jericho stopping short of feigning an injury, and not dropping a half dozen titles. Good for him. With that said, Jericho actually hits the sweet chin music on HBK, but Michaels kicks out. Michaels then tries to use the Walls on Jericho, but Y2J counters out. Both men then go down with a belly to back counter from the top rope that sees both men crash and burn. In the ensuing chaos, Jericho gets the Walls, and the crowd actually is rallying behind Y2J. HBK then misplaces his smile for the 2nd time. Anyway, HBK gets to the ropes. Michaels then tries a desperation superkick, but Jericho ducks, and hooks in the Wall s again, but once again, Michaels makes the ropes to an audible groan from the crowd. Jericho takes a temper tantrum, but walks right into some chin music, but HBK takes too long to cover. Finish then sees HBK float over a charge by Jericho into the buckles and hit a quick rolling prawn hold to pick up the win! Great match. Strange booking.
Winner: Shawn Michaels. The Heart Break Man. I think almost forty years on this planet merits a name change.
After the match the two men embrace, and Jericho is weeping. He then kicks HBK low. Haha. Somewhere Bret Hart is jumping for joy. He then gets a concussion and goes into a coma.
-Evil French Canadian referee Sylvain Grenier is seen going into Vince's locker room. This what got him hired by Patterson in the first place, so why not try a bigger fish?
-Goldberg vignette. Goldberg is coming to Backlash! Quick! Someone pack up anything made of glass. You'll thank me later.
-Limp Bizkit comes out to perform their brand new song. Poor Fred Durst is about 5 minutes past his allotted 15. This time next year the guy will be living off the "hotdog flavored water" because he won't have enough money to properly feed his family. Poor bastard.
-Torrie Wilson's Playboy is now on sale! Come see the only edge Billy Kidman had on you as a human being. He has nothing now. Not even his wife beater and shorts. Not even.
Miller Cat Fight Girls segment
Umm, the ladies keep their tops on, and Coach takes his pants off. Clearly the exact opposite scenario the 90% male demographic wants to see. Gee, you'd think there was a clueless woman writing this show or something. Hey wait.
(C) HHH Vs. Booker T. :World Heavyweight Title;
HHH comes out to the rocking sounds of Motorhead, but kind of loses the intimidation edge here with his fucking mauve trunks. Seriously though, dude, Mauve? Does Rick Martel know you went rifling through his fucking bag?
Anyway, this match's booking defies all logic, reasoning and good taste. If this was a movie, the film's bad guy would have just killed the protagonist inside 15 minutes with a fucking bazooka, then danced for the last hour singing "neener, neener, neener". Dear God.
As for the match itself, not bad, But the bulk of it was Hunter breaking out his patented Indian deathlock for an extended period of time. Hey, if I wanted to just see two sweaty people laying around doing nothing, I'd pop in a video of myself having sex. That's right. Anyway, Booker gets his big comeback, hitting the (running with) scissors kick, and goes up for the Houston Hangover, and hits it, but Flair puts Trips foot on the ropes during the count. Triple H then recovers, hits the pedigree, goes out for a coffee, does his taxes, curls up with a good book, flies back home for a weekend with the family, does some quick shopping, and returns to the Arena to pin Booker T. THE PEDIGREE IS THAT DANGEROUS~! HHH then puts on some black face, does some soft shoe and yells out "Mammy!" a few times before a giant hook cane grabs him and pulls him off stage.
Winner: Definitely not Race relations. I guess Triple H was right when he said that Booker's "kind of people" can't be World Champion. What a not-at-all depressing message this is sending! But hey, I guess Trips will argue that he needs the momentum when he starts his feud with Kevin Nash next week. Big Kev's rarin' to go after his grueling recovery of sitting on his couch scratching his balls. YOU'VE GOTTA WANT IT!
Vince McMahon w/ hair(?) Vs. Hulk Hogan w/o hair
The hype for this match has killed me. "A Feud Twenty Years in the making!" That sounds cool until you realize that Vince was like a nerdy announcer for more than half that time. What, they couldn't sign fucking Randy Savage vs. Mean Gene Okerlund?
Anyway, this match was perversely entertaining, thanks to the charisma of both men, despite the fact, they comically reenacted many of the same spots in Hogan vs. Warrior which is so awesome and terribly sad at the same time. IT'S A GRUELING TEST OF STRENGTH BETWEEN TWO MEN WITH A COMBINED AGE OF 120! SOMETHING HAS TO GIVE, AND NOT JUST THEIR HEARTS AND PERHAPS BOWELS~! Anyway, Vince ends up getting busted wide open. He then delivers perhaps the only recorded high spot in Hulk Hogan's entire career, when he leg drops the Hulkster's radiated orange body through the Announce table. Vince then goes and fetches a steel pipe that is under the ring. Wait. Why is there always this kind of shit under the ring exactly? Anyway, with that said, Vince peers over the ring apron, with the most hilariously deranged look on his face. Think Jack Nicholson in the Shining. All Work, and no jobbing makes Vince a dull boy. Vince then tries to use the pipe, but Hogan goes right to the giant grapefruits. This brings out Roddy Piper, or the guy that ate him whole. He then turns on Hulk and hits him with the pipe. OH NO, BRUTHER. Vince then covers and umm, Hogan kicks out. It's Hogan, what do you want? This is a guy who I bet won't even sell his own death. As he's being wheeled into the crematorium, he'll kick out through the casket at the last minute, pumping his fists and hulking up. From there, Vince knocks out the referee, and evil Referee Sylvain takes his place, but Hogan's up, and umm, I think you know what happens next. Sylvain gets tossed. Vince eats Hogan's giant yellow clodhopper and takes three consecutive legdrops (THE HUMANITY~!) and gets the pin when the legal ref wakes up, Bruther.
Winner: That Stark Ravin' Hulkster, Dude.
After the match, Shane McMahon, who has aged fifteen years in like 12 months, comes out to check on his father and stares a hole through Hogan. Shane then rejoins the other 3 members of the Fantastic Four.
Stone Cold Vs. The Rock, Part 3.
Hopefully, this one can live up to the standards of previous quality third sequels like Rambo III... umm,wait; how about Terminator 3? No? Well, how about Alien 3? No good? Well, Godfather 3, then? Dear God. Never mind. So, third sequels usually blow more dick than a choir boy these days, but this one was actually the exception.
Anyway, Rocky controls a good part of the tempo here, and lives up to his earlier interview boast that he would beat the "bald-headed jabroni". And good thing this is what he meant. For a minute there I was terrified that this meant we'd see Rock openly masturbating in the ring. The main story here is combining every spot they've ever had in any of their matches into this one. The men even traded finishers, but ultimately kicked out. Big finish saw Rock deliver three consecutive Rock Bottoms and finally get his only win over the Rattlesnake on the big stage. Good match.
Winner: The Rock; who'll now move onto another baldheaded dude in black trunks when he wrestles Goldberg next month. Maybe he can talk Bill into having handles surgically attached to his back by then. Might make the carrying job he'll do a lot easier...
(C) Kurt Angle w/ a "broken freakin' neck" Vs. Brock Lesnar w/ broken freakin' neck? for WWE Championship;
Apparently, this is going to be Kurt's last match for a while because he's going to go have "experimental non-invasive surgery" at the hands of a man named Dr. Jho, recommended to him by SCOTT HALL. Seriously. Scott Hall. I don't think I'd even get into a car being driven by Scott Hall, let alone take advice from him on anything remotely medical. And what the fuck is non-invasive surgery, anyway? The moment you get CUT OPEN, that's invasive, motherfucker! Non-invasive would be fucking Tony Robbins laying hands on you and willing you healthy.
Anyway, Angle brought his working boots tonight and went above and beyond for a man with a severe neck injury WHO COULD FUCKING DIE WITH ONE WRONG MOVE. Brock also looked better than he has ever, selling Kurt's suplexes far better than a man of his stature should physically be able to. I honestly expected a little more amateur chain wrestling in this one, playing up each other's storied Amateur credentials, but whatever.
Anyway after a spirited back and forth match, Brock hits the F-5, but it doesn't finish, same with the Anklelock and Angle Slam by Kurt. Lesnar then hits a 2nd F-5 but elects not to cover; and instead goes up, and looks to be ready to put that Wrestlemania exclamation point on the event with his now legendary OVW shooting star press. However, Angle is uncharacteristically far from the corner, a distance that even a standard splash would have trouble reaching. Brock seems to hesitate a little, but still makes the jump, but crashes violently head and neck first into the mat and directly into Angle's torso. HOLY FUCK.
With the whole match in jeopardy, Angle obviously improvises and calls an audible, and goes for a cover (he gets two.). Upon second viewing of the incident, I honestly doubt that Kurt knew the extent of the damage Lesnar suffered, and probably figured Brock simply missed the designated landing. Anyway, with the obvious SSP finish botched, Brock then summons up the reserve, and F-5's Kurt for the Win and the Title, but looks extremely dazed and is unable to stand on his own power and immediately slumps in the corner after the match. He has this insane dazed and queasy look on his face, the same you'd have if you walked in on Mom and Dad making love. At this point he looks like he's going to seriously hurl. Right then I channel Vince/Droz from "Beyond the Mat" and begin yelling "HE'S GONNA PUKE! HE'S GONNA PUKE!" This goes over in the room as well as you'd expect.
Anyway, at this point, Brock was probably supposed to embrace Kurt, but he was in as bad way, and Kurt, still not knowing how bad Lesnar is hurt, is heard saying "What the Fuck is he doing?" to the Referee who then informs Angle of the status. Angle then goes over and a weary Brock extends his hand and the two men embrace. Brock then dies. He was 25. (just kidding.)
Winner and NEW WWE Champion: Brock Lesnar, who apparently flies about as well as John F. Kennedy jr. I suggest he not try that again. (Or you know, not leap 20 feet across the ring. There's a reason dudes like Kidman leave motherfuckers like a foot away from the buckles.).
FINAL THOUGHTS: All in all , I wasn't sure what to think of this Wrestlemania, but eventually I settled on liking it, because usually you just get no more than two great matches at the Big Event, and we got Three, and arguably four. So, I'll give it the ol' Sean Carless Seal Of Approval. Thumbs up.
THE TWF "MENTAL WELLNESS TEST!"
With Christmas just around the corner, what better way to spend your few remaining dollars (left over after the seemingly infinite line-up of fucking pay-per-views ) then on the following "quality WWE merchandise!" After all, if they don't move this stuff, and fast, stockholders just might get time to figure out what "plummeting domestic buyrates" means!... and well, I don't think they need to tell you what that means! (Seriously. They're not telling you. Everything is fine! Ahem.).