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That's right
folks, the standard bearer of tasteless online Awards returns!
Celebrating its 78th straight year of offensiveness! Just
ignore the part where there's no clear-cut evidence of the
first 72! ...It happened! Trust us! It's just that we
happened to be the only website on the
Internet for 65+ years, and thus keeping track
of these things was next to impossible. That's all! I
mean, seriously, who could forget Hollywoodland
Hogan being bestowed the honor of first
ever Wrestler of the Year in 1930? (Hulk was already
some 40 years into his career at that point.).
Everybody? Maybe.
Onto the Awards!
WRITER OF
THE YEAR 2008~!
(READERS
CHOICE)
With the gracious stepping aside of our
fearless leader--and now, fearless quadriplegic, Sean Carless-- it
opened up the contest significantly, and
*finally* allowed for the first time in 4 years, someone
*other* than the guy counting the fucking votes to be
crowned WINNER. Imagine that.
This year's contest was an amazing
story. Truly. It only looked and read impossibly boring.
That story? Could Catherine Perez emerge from last
year's Staff favorite to this year's reader's favorite? Would
a dark-horse choice emerge from the shadows and pull it
off or at the very least have a strong showing? Or would
Canadian Bacon almost backdoor his way into this thing after
writing ONE FUCKING COLUMN, and further blackmail readers by putting a
death curse upon them until voting his way by inserting the evil RING
videotape into his propaganda video? The answer sadly to this
is YES.
But alas,like Connor MacLeod once said--before getting
decapitated anyway 10 years later like his fucking Prize
never happened-- THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.
And that one?
-POLL RESULTS
-
Winner: Catherine Perez: 36.1% of
the Vote.
1st Runner Up: Canadian
Bacon 28.25% of the
Vote.
2nd Runner Up: Anthony Dean: 9.14% of the
Vote.
3rd Runner Up: Shane
Steele 8.03% of the
Vote.
Others: 18.48% of the
Vote.
Total Votes counted: 3601
In the year 2008,
Catherine Perez
emerged as the IWC's premier female Rasslin journalist/satirist/Gynecologist, and
her dominating showing in this year's prestigious imaginary contest proved one
thing undisputedly: Reader's love them some Catherine!--while no doubt thinking that just
because she too also likes wrestling, and is female, that this is FINALLY the
"in" for them to get laid. BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS THAT GIRLS ON
THE INTERNET JUST LOVE STRANGE FAT DUDES WITH NO LIVES WHO
JUST HAPPEN TO SHARE INTERESTS. And they especially love it when they ask
what you look like on message-boards! (That's just the sexiest!). Poor pathetic
bastards.
So, here's to
Catherine, Deadface Walking (whatever the fuck that is), and
to 2009; where hopefully, if history repeats itself, the Staff
can start wishing death upon her and her Undertaker-like
streak, much like they did Sean, who's now dead by way of
vehicular manslaughter as a result of their collective bad
juju and ill-will. 1 down. 1 to go!
In any
event, here is what Catherine had to say about her
vaunted victory!:
HOLY SHIT~! I'm about as surprised as
Herbie Hancock after he won Album of the Year last February!
I'll be honest, I was kind of dreading writing this acceptance
speech, because I am terrible at putting my feelings on paper,
or, in this case, on a computer. Either way, I'll do my best
to not reduce you readers to tears of boredom.
First
and foremost, I'd like to thank Sean Carless for graciously
bowing out of the competition this year. Not only did it give
the rest of us more of an opportunity to take home the
prestigious Invisible Writer of the Year Plaque, but I'm sure
Canadian Bacon appreciates the extra votes he got this year
for his one, single, solitary column. More importantly, I'd
also like to thank Sean for allowing me my own little slice of
the World Wide Web with Deadface Walking. Sean's like
McDonald's for allowing minorities like me the opportunity to
serve my community and whatnot, and for that, my race card
remains neatly tucked into my wallet, which I'm sure he
appreciates.
I'd like to thank my mom for conceiving
me and for going through a horrific ordeal in birthing me.
Lord knows I'd never want to force a ten-pound bun out of my
oven. I'd compare that to shitting out a
ten-pound sack of
potatoes for HOURS and cursing Pepto Bismol for
being so fucking useless, but I don't want to horrify any of
you. Whoops, too late~!
I'd like to thank Daria
Morgendorffer and Jane Lane for influencing my wit and sarcasm
from the tender age of ten. It's great to know that I didn't
go through three consecutive years of grade school being known
as "Daria" for nothing. Thanks to my best friend Katy for
talking me into sending a sample column to TWF. Huge thanks to
Vince Russo, Dutch Mantel and everyone at TNA for the shitty
Jackass storyline that fueled the huge rant that was my sample
column. You know there's a problem when you're promoting a
movie full of idiots and its idiots are probably too
embarrassed to appear on your show to help promote it. Dear
God.
I'd like to thank my fellow TWF Staffers for
writing some great columns year-round. Their quality writings
are a big influence on my own, you know. We've gone through a
pretty blah year of wrestling, so I'm glad we all made it out
of 2008 alive, or at least awake. Except for Joe Merrick, I
guess. Where the fuck did he go? Anyway, thanks, Staff, for
helping make TheWrestlingFan.com a website I like so much that
I'll sometimes have three separate tabs running TWF on Firefox
for no reason other than I might be developing Alzheimer's at
a very early age.
Many thanks to Adobe for creating
Photoshop. Without Photoshop, I'd be hundreds of dollars
richer right now, and probably still using Paint Shop Pro.
Yep.
Before I
start rambling, I'd like to thank YOU for voting for me! I
really appreciate your appreciation for Deadface Walking. If I
had known that Deadface would have the fanbase that it has
today, I would have named it something other than Deadface
Walking. I still have no idea what the fuck a Deadface is, or
why it's walking. I've tried renaming it, but why fuck with a
seemingly good thing? Anyway, I feel pretty humble after
winning this award, and, thankfully, I don't have to have the
Iron Sheik's boner nearly tearing through my anus like Hulk
Hogan did in '84. A webpage about writing "a great acceptance
speech" tells me that I have to end this with a call to action
to inspire you to "greater heights", so... READ MORE DEADFACE
AND TWF IN 2009, YAAAAAY!!! Thank you, and goodnight! Damn it,
I wish I had a microphone so I could drop it all bad-ass like
Chris Rock...
But that's
not all; here's what Catherine's peers had to say about
her!:
SHANE
STEELE: Deadface Walking is something I
look forward to every week. It's consistently funny and the
"illustrations" are hilarious. Props to you,
Catherine.
NICOLE
COOPER: Without a
doubt, Deadface Walking is consistently the best
wrestling-related column posted on the internet each week (or
whenever Catherine so chooses). Her photoshops are hilarious,
and she makes me give a shit about what's going happening on
the inside of the wrestling world. It's a hard task to
accomplish, but Catherine has made it possible. Because of
that, I thank her for being so hilarious and for being so
awesome at Photoshop. And not to mention, she can write some
seriously great Mike Adamle and Don West interviews. I'd
imagine it's hard to capture the essence such morons, but
Catherine does it, and she does it well. So to end this as
nicely as I possibly can, you've done absolutely great so far,
and I can only hope that you stick around for a long, long
time and continue to make crappy news actually worth
reading.
NEIL MCGILLOWAY: In my opinion,
the Writer of the Year award should go to the writer who can
do it all. Recaps, columns, you name it. Of
course, they should also be able to do it while remaining
consistently funny. With that in mind...have to give the
nod to CATHERINE PEREZ this year. Her column is enough
of a variety show itself (news reports, "interviews," and
inserting some good old-fashioned satire here and there), but
she did that near-weekly, AND managed to keep it
hilarious. Add on that she picked up the slack with a
few PPV recaps this year too, and you got a woman who can do
it all. This may sound like a terrible comparison, but
hear me out. Catherine is the Stephanie to Sean's
Vince. Were scaffolding to fall on Sean tomorrow, who
would pick up this site in his stead? In my opinion,
Catherine. She is quite like Sean, just younger, and
with a vagina. Considering the audience of this site, I
think Mr. Carless should be watching his
back...
NEIL CATHAN:
Once again, for providing the funniest thing on the
iternet on a weekly basis (And because cancer of the cock
scares me), I will give this award to the excellent Catherine
Perez (please don't give me cock and/or vagina
cancer.)
CANADIAN
BACON:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!1111111111 Damn yous,
Catherine, you evil Succubus! I know you slept with the
judges or at the very least napped with them. I know the
truth! You're in collusion with the evil doer Sean
Carless to keep me from my destiny! This is like the biggest
conspiracy since that one time with those guys and the
secrets. HOW CAN THIS KEEP HAPPENING TO ME???!!!!!! Does
no one see true talent when they don't see it? You used
to be my favourite member of Los Boriquas, but that day is
over my friend. Savio Vega was stupid to trust in
you! And so was I! I now regret the moment I ever
decided to give you my flower over the computer. VOTE BACON IN
2009.
WRITER OF
THE YEAR 2008~!
(STAFF CHOICE)
Now it's time for the other half of the Writer
of the Year Poll. The Award where the vaunted and celebrated
and revered and holy shit get me a thesaurus so I can come up
with more words to say awesome, TWF Staff, choose who they
themselves this year felt deserved the honor of being
honorably honored in the field of being Awesome. And get
this, only one person voted for themselves this
year! And it wasn't even Bacon! Holy shit. When
Bacon has more honor and character than you, it's time to
reevaulate your whole life!
In any event, this year's award was an especially close
contest. But in the end, we could only hand out
one non-existent plaque, and that honor goes
to....
 -STAFF POLL
RESULTS-
Winner: Anthony
Dean
45.45% of the Staff Vote.
Others:
54.55%
Total Votes counted:
11
In 2008,
amongst TWF Staff, only one man stood tall--whilst standing
on a crate-- ANTHONY DEAN. That's right, Anthony Dean--the man
who started off this year "changing Friday nights" (by delivering
recaps late Saturday nights and sometimes Sundays) only to become
the official TWF WWE PPV Recapper, and do an incredibly awesome job
to boot. (Or whatever foot apparel
you prefer.).
In any event, Anthony earned this Award. Because, as anyone who has
ever done one will attest, taking on the PPV Rants
full-time at TWF is a lot like taking a bullet for the President. Only
you don't die from it like the aforementioned Secret Service.
But boy do you often wish that was the case. (You
get a few Cyber Sunday's under you belt, and all of a
sudden shuffling off this mortal coil is looking
pretty good.).
So
here's to Anthony Dean. The greatest human being that ever
lived who currently does TWF PPV Reports. Enjoy your award.
For it is an honor truly priceless. And not just because
no one on earth would pay a fucking thing for it.
Although, that's the main reason.
In any
event, here is what Anthony had to say about
his victory!:
Fellow writers of
the TWF Universe Crab Nebula (don't worry if the name
hasn't caught on yet, IT WILL) thank you for your votes. I
know it's hard to resist the urge to vote for yourself. I know
because I just went right ahead and did it. But for those of
you who didn't, I thank you for your humility, and would like
to remind you where it got you. So, yeah, thanks for that.
Seriously though, being named Writer of the Year by the TWF
Staff is an honor, perhaps even moreso than being voted WOTY
by the fans (mostly because I didn't win that award, just roll
with it) because the writers on the TWF Staff are some of the
funniest people I've ever had the privilege of not meeting.
And despite the occasional late or hurried or completely
shitfaced drunken recap, it really is a lot of work, having to
watch the shows or think of column ideas, and then having to
not only write such a large amount on a regular basis, but to
consistently make it funny and presentable. Not to mention
attempting to cope with the psychologically degrading emails
you people like to send. Like I said, it's a lot of work. I
greatly appreciate being named the 2008 TWF Writer of the Year
by the Staff and by you, the reader, for, um, not organizing a
petition to have me removed from the site? I'm pulling at
straws here to mention you guys while blatantly ignoring the
fact that like three people beat me out in the Fan's Choice
Award. So anyway, thanks a lot everyone, and please dear God
stop sending such hostile emails, and maybe once and a while
even send a nice letter a writer's way if you enjoy their work
(but as long as you stop insinuating things about the size of
my genitals and where I like to put them, I'll be happy).
Allright, thanks again. END SPEECH.
And here's what others had to say about
Anthony!
CATHERINE
PEREZ: My choice for
Writer of the Year is Anthony Dean! Recapping a pay-per-view
event is pretty hard (well, it was for me), but Anthony
reported pretty much all of them this year in such timely
fashion and with a fire in his eyes that nobody saw because we
all live hundreds of miles away from each other or something
like that. Anyway, recapping 36 hours of wrestling
programming... that takes balls. And a real reliable
streaming website 480 bucks to watch the shows through
honest, moral means. Like I said, recapping 36 hours of
wrestling is tough as fuck, yet Anthony persevered kind of
like Rocky at the top of the steps. Only, sadly, no
inspirational music was played for Anthony. I guess my vote
will have to suffice; just read it as you hum Eye of the Tiger
or something. ANTHONY DEAN: Manly Slogan Goes Here. What? I
couldn't think of a manly slogan.
ESBEN EVANS: I
voted for me in the polls, but that was because I didn't want
0 votes…I'm pathetic like that…however when it does matter,
I'm gonna say Anthony Dean this year. His Pay-Per-View rants
are becoming the thing I like the most about this site,
slightly overtaking Catherine (who ruined her shot by ratting
out Stevie. BOOOO!)…plus he had a pretty funny beatdown
against Neil. Here's to you Anthony, I hope I get it…err…you
get it.
SEAN
CARLESS: 45.45% of the time, he's Writer of
the year EVERY TIME. For me, it was simple choice. He gets my
vote for accomplshing the one thing no one else on this site
(myself included) has EVER accomplished: Getting
laid, making a comfortable living, basic
hygeine, adequate social skills, a low body fat
ratio sticking at WWE PPV reports and being hilarious
the entire time. YES. That's a huge accomplishment where I
come from. Where I live now? Not so
much.
CANADIAN
BACON: I hate you Antonino Dean with your
beautiful nest of flowing hair and your soulful eyes, and your
thievery of glories. I will never ever forget this moment that
I can't remember. Count on
it.
COLUMN OF THE YEAR
2008
Like an unwanted
brother (not MVP), the following Award was a new addition to
the Fanny's. It's sole purpose for being created is to
celebrate the single best column produced this
year--and as such perhaps reward those who
contributed an exemplarily effort-- yet due to
infrequency or prison incarceration were ineligible for
the actual WRITER OF THE YEAR AWARD. Standard TV
Reports were not considered for nomination in this
category, as there
were just too many submissions to comb through for consideration.
So don't feel bad (as if someone who
reads this site would feel guilt
about anything...).
And the
winner?
This year, there was
a lot of columns that truly delivered, but
only one caught the attention of WWE Legal!: WWE KIDS. That's
right, apparently WWE Legal did not find the merriment and
humor that we all did in defenseless doe-eyed children looking
fore WWE's actual Kids website, only to find us
. It's true. In
that moment, Junior was spared the indignity of a terrible Rey
Mysterio flash maze, and instead questioned their own mortality, humanity and
soul, whilst finding a picture of a child sobbing whilst looking
into the cavernous crevice of Vince McMahon's
alabaster cornhole. Oh well. Childhood had to end eventually.
Even at 5. Even.
In any event,
by virtue of
this, and the fact it set TWF's all-time hit record (don't doubt
the lure of a game where you can literally CUM
IN KELLY KELLY'S FACE) there
was really no other option. Because, let's face it, if it makes
Vince McMahon cry, IT HAS TO
WIN.
So, let us
congratulate its evil architect, our Chief Inspirational
Officer, Sean Carless-- a true pioneer in the field of
upsetting pussies and destroying childhood innocence. Here's
to you, buddy.
But hey,
here's what Sean had to say!:
"I Can't
feel my legs. Someone...please....kill me."
OK, then.
PHOTOSHOP OF THE YEAR
2008
And finally, our last Award. Also a new
submission this year. PHOTOSHOP OF THE YEAR! That's right,
every year, TWF is responsible for more wrestling themed photoshops than any
Wrestling website in the known galaxy and quadrant-- and
now its time to honor the best of the
worst of those 'shops! Some people might say that the
time & effort put into creating hundreds of images of Vince McMahon
being raped by panda bears could be better used; to
like say, stop cancer (not HHH), but hey, what
fun is that? Besides, no one important ever got
cancer.
There were 12 of the best
TWF 'Shops nominated ,
but only one
could
win. And what a winner it was. A winner that personally bought
you a ticket to Hell for laughing at it and its terribly
insensitive content. Oh well. It wasn't like you weren't going
there anyway.
And that
winner?....
23.86%
of the Vote.
So,
there you have it. 500 layers later
a legend was born. Then forgotten about
completely.
The winning photoshop--formatted into video form so not to
crash the site-- was actually the brainchild of Sean Carless. It
was the tasteless byproduct of a story reported earlier this
year that Owen Hart was in fact still haunting Kemper Arena;
and as such, the lengths Vince & co. would go to
finally shake that monkey off their back. This was the
end result. (And also the main reason there was
no DIVA'S SEARCH this year. I mean, that
Ecto-containment unit ain't going to pay for
itself!).
1st Runner
Up:
16.76% of the
Vote
2nd Runner
Up
14.49% of the Vote.
3rd Runner
Up:
14.2 of the
Vote.
Others:
30.69%
Total Votes counted:
3510
Well, that's it for us in 2008! 2009 HERE
WE COME. (Not literally. Ok, at least not most of
us.).
CLICK HERE TO RETURN TO THE 2008 TWF FANNY
AWARDS!
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