TWF WRITER OF THE YEAR 2006

As instituted last year, we crown TWO Writer of the Year Awards. The first of which was voted upon by YOU, the readers of The Wrestling Fan.com during our two week poll; and the second being a very special Award voted upon by the WRITERS themselves, then presented to that individual (only candidates who submitted work in the 2006 year were eligible) who best exemplified TWF, and who had set a standard of consistent quality and hard work throughout the calendar year. These are your winners. Here we go!

-POLL RESULTS-

Winner: Sean Carless: 39.0% of the Vote.

1st Runner Up: Canadian Bacon(?!): 23.6 of the Vote.

2nd Runner Up: Joe Merrick: 13.5% of the Vote.

3rd Runner Up: James Walker 6.7% of the Vote.

Others: 17.2% of the Vote.

Total Votes counted: 29,267

Hey, this is a nice surprise. And by surprise, let me pretend I haven't known for about a week about this result and just feign enthusiasm anyway. Anyway, I'd like to thank everyone who voted for me, especially those without the surname Carless. I'd also like to thank IE's loose standards which allowed me to clear my cookies and vote for myself some eleven thousand times. Ah, I kid. I lost interest half way through that.

In any event, it's become clichéd, but I'd like to thank my loyal staff of hardworking writers who tirelessly pen (well, type) columns and submit them with little to no reward... other than my general affection and admiration... which I've recently calculated to have a net-worth of about 100 American dollars (or 6 million Canadian.). We truly have the most innovative, creative writers in our genre (Assholes who make fun of everything?) and I appreciate all their hard work. And when I don't, I just replace them with someone more talented. Wait. Forget that last part....

So, since this is my moment, I'm gonna break out my Academy speech and bore the shit out of you. Then I'm gonna ignore the red light flashing and Billy Crystal menacingly pantomiming a throat slash in my general direction and complete my list anyway. If Julia Roberts can do it, so can I. Because let's face it, Julia Roberts is no Sean Carless.

I'd like to thank My Mom whose womb made the hilarity possible. I guess I'd also like to thank my Dad for having sex with My Mom and filling said womb instead of masturbating that day, so I could exist, and not meet my tragic end with a jaycloth and some Javex on the bathroom floor. I'd like to thank the girl who first allowed me to have sex with her. And I'd like to thank her again for not calling the police because she was quote unquote "asleep" and in her own "house" at the time. I'd like to thank Taco Bell for having reasonably priced combos. I'd like to thank Charmin toilet paper for helping me with the disposing (some 5 minutes later) of said Taco Bell. I'd like to thank Al Gore for inventing the internet. I'd like to thank Nova for inventing wrestling. I'd like to thank you for reading me, despite the fact I tend to go off in a completely different direction in mid-sentence before (like this!) going back to my original point.

I'd like to thank Harry Simon for being a great friend, and for sending me a hundred dollars once because he felt bad that I wasted so much cash on WWE pay-per-views.

I'd like to thank the immensely talented James Walker for being one of the coolest guys I know, and for taking the albatross of "WWE PPV Rants" off my shoulders this year, so I could ~~do nothing~~ focus on other aspects of the site.

I'd like to thank Joe Merrick (I'll get into it more below) for being an incredible talent scout, for his amazing recaps, and for his swank radio producing (including this parody: a nasally cold-stricken montage of me tediously saying "you know" to the power of INFINITY on TWF Radio.).

I'd like to thank Cameron Burge for being probably our most consistent writer EVER at TWF (two years of recapping RAW, baby! Which I understand in Catholic purgatory automatically jumps you right to Heaven regardless of your deeds!).

I'd like to thank Gersh for ALWAYS being reliable, and for writing a pretty damn good ECW recap, despite HATING the show.

I'd like to thank Remy (who I believe I've never once referred to by his real name EVER. Haha. If people can go through life calling Mick Foley "Cactus" and Mark Callaway "Undertaker" in every day situations, you're gonna be Remy for life, motherfucker!) for his drunken convos on MSN, and for arguing with me for an hour in February that Triple H burying Cena on the mic was NOT detrimental to the build of Wrestlemania. I'd also like to thank him for posting this link as a joke in the Forum, if only so I could cleverly exploit it.

I'd like to thank Dr. Gonzo for not being dead, despite my worries that this was exactly the case (Last time I had talked to him he was about to start Jury duty. And If you've ever watched Sopranos you'd know....umm, well, that you can have a monobrow, wear a tracksuit all day, and still score a piece like Adriana.) Wait. What were we talking about? Oh, ya, Gonzo. Welcome back man. And next time you get called for Jury Duty, just claim you're prejudiced against all races! You'll be home by lunch!

I'd like to thank the talented Anvil and Bullfrog for their quality work thus far. If the meatballs that get called up from OVW had half the talent these guys did, they'd be...well, they'd be stuffed in a box by DX and sent back to fucking Louisville. This probably wasn't the best analogy....

I'd like to thank Michael Melchor for still contributing to the site despite being busy with 6 kids(!) and his responsibilities at 411 Mania (which include linking to every column on the site EVER in one column! This dude is a fucking one man html machine!).

I'd like to thank Justin Shapiro for being one of the most genuinely hilarious and talented writers ever. In addition to his awesome Heat Re-Recaps, Justin's recent RAW and ECW fill-ins at Observer were two of the greatest examples of recappery I've ever read. I'd also like to mention that I got a computer virus off the page of his 16 year old female cousin on MySpace. I'd then like to thank Justin for not asking me what the fuck I was doing on the page in the first place....

I'd like to thank my frequent tag team partner in satire Derek Burgan, for all his contributions (in six months I think we have the best easily-accessed Burgan archives on the net) and for being a great friend (a friend who sends me DVDs & newsletters! Take the hint everyone else!...)

I'd like to thank RD Reynolds for pimping out the site frequently, and for changing the glaring typo of "Careless" over at Wrestlecrap in the spring so that my reputation could be spared. (A writer & photoshopper named Careless? He must be GREAT at his job!). I'd also like to thank Blade Braxton for making me feel guilty that one of my favorite songs was a death anthem for 2/3rds of the original G1 Transformers.

I'd like to thank my friend, Horror movie scream queen Jewel Shepard for recently proclaiming me "God" via several instant message conversations. I had never considered my divinity up until this point (mostly because my constant tries to turn water into wine failed. I did however turn wine into piss, so I'm at least on the right track.) but now I'm convinced.

So thanks again to Jewel. I just hope she never finds out what I did to myself as a teenager during many of her movie scenes. (and by teenager I mean "now" and by "now" I mean "right now".....) ;)

Oh, and finally, I'd like to thank my friend Jen for offering to wrestle me naked in her basement. It's so nice to actually have someone offer for once....

And finally, I'd like to once again thank YOU. You voted for me again, despite the fact my "streak" for these awards has become more annoyingly predictable for many folks than Undertaker's at Wrestlemania. I guess all I have to do now is book myself opposite a talentless slow moving idiot each year so people don't revolt when I win. (This is the reason I keep Canadian Bacon around....).

Ok, I'm done. (Thank God). See you in 2007!

Hey, here's some nice things some other people had to say about me! (The checks are in the mail!)

Derek Burgan: I read the 2005 Fanny Awards and figured the whole thing to be a Sean Carless Kiss My Ass Club ballot when he was awarded the best writer award. Then I saw what Sean did in 2006. Carless continually found a way to make every single article he was a part of something special and worth going out of your way to read. The recent 12 days of WWE is just another example of Sean being ahead of the curve on entertainment and I know personally I can't wait to see what he does in 2007.

Justin Shapiro: I am voting for Mr. Seanathon Carless, perhaps on the strength of Broken Freakin' Neck Mountain alone. But that's contingent on me getting "Contributing Writer Legendary Auteur" status like Derek Burgan.

Dr. Gonzo: Well seeing as I made the deadline by contributing something last month, I choose me! Just kidding. Seriously, I go with the man, the myth, the legend, Sean Carless, every year and this year is no different. A man who keeps this website up and constantly writes hilarious and thoughtful pieces, on a consistent basis, deserves this award. Sean, this is for you.

James Walker: Well would you look at that – Sean Carless, Owner, Operator, and Webmaster of The Wrestling Fan won the fans vote for the 3rd year in a row. Surely this had nothing to do with his second-to-none satires, hilarious radio work, and all-round awesomeness, oh no. See, I believe that this voting is RIGGED! YES, CLEARLY JOSH LEEMAN GOT SCREWED.

Seriously though, Sean, congrats. While we all have contributed to it, no one has put nearly as much time, effort, and semen into the site than you. TWF has been growing ridiculous amounts, and your dedication to it rubs off on the rest of us. (Just don’t try rubbing off on us, you sick fuck.) So, you might call this another Fanny Award to put on your mantle, but I’m officially renaming it the Sean Carless Memorial Award of Tedious Predictability. I’m going to go ahead and order another 20 years worth of these trophies, all with your name scribed on them. I’d order more, but all that masturbation will eventually turn you blind, and then you won’t be able to write columns. Maybe then, Josh Leeman will get his due.

Canadian Bacon: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooo! Damn yous, Sean Carless with your sweet talk and faggoty mop of hair! You're a TRICKSTER like Satan or worse yet the devil! Retribution is coming! We all know what happens to the devil at the end of that story! He gets thrown in a pit! I just hope it's Piper's so he can smash coconuts on your head for Eternity!!!1111 (Vote Bacon in 2007)

-STAFF POLL RESULTS-
Winner: Joe Merrick: 38.5% of the Staff Vote.
Others: 61.5%
Total Votes counted: 13

What's left that can be said about the great Joe Merrick that hasn't been repeated ad-nauseam by prosecutors and police testimonials alike? Originally, Joe came to us by virtue of our fledgling "Satire Search", where the lure of a non-existent DVD was too much for him to pass up, and eventually he won the competition defeating literally ~~millions~~ ~~thousands~~ ~~hundreds~~ DOZENS of hopefuls to gain full time employment. Joe grasped what we did here instantly and grew as a writer (I understand he's some 17 feet tall now) peaking this year while taking over the SmackDown reports. Over time the "LowDown on SmackDown" became one of our most popular features, breaking all previous hits records under other authors, including yours truly. In fact, Joe became SO GOOD, that I'm convinced Smackdown head writer Michael Hayes cleaned up his fucking act and starting putting on a show that quite frankly didn't suck just to spite him. (although the mass Final Destination-style exodus of turds like Great Khali and Mark Henry certainly didn't hurt).

Whether Joe's writing parodies, recaps, adopting strange new ethnicities and religions, or having nonsensical conversations with Saliva's Josie Scott, Joe is always at the forefront of quality here at TWF, and has fast became a completely irreplaceable part of the site in my eyes. And that's what makes the following news so sad. For the immediate future anyway, Joe has to step down from TWF for personal reasons. This news is devastating to all of us who appreciate Joe the writer, and more so Joe the man; A guy I consider not only a colleague, but a good friend as well. The door will ALWAYS be open for a return, my friend. After all, TWF really is the Hotel California. You can check out but you can never leave. (Unless you're fired. Or quit. Or Remy impulsively bans you in the forum....).

So, thanks Joe Merrick for all your hard work. Many don't know this, but much like James Walker, Joe is my right hand here on the site (and lucky for you I jerk off with my left!) and has frequently helped me out in a bind; most notably being finding two fantastic new writers (British Bullfrog & Anvil) to assume full-time positions when we desperately needed new blood. Joe also played a completely pivotal role in TWF Radio, our surprise hit this past Spring. Joe was the producing genius behind the show, who tirelessly looped my babbling bullshit into something coherent, and produced, edited and formatted the show from the skits, to the theme songs to the parodies. It was all Joe, Baby. I was simply the puppet. (Hey, kind of like George Bush!)

So here's to you, Joe Merrick, my favorite black, Arab, Terrorist British writer on God's (or mine according to Jewel Shepard) green Earth. Come back soon you magnificent bastard!

If you want to send Joe well wishes and congratulatory hugs on a great job, please send mail here. (Would it kill you?)

Here's what other people had to say about Joe!

James Walker: Despite the fact that he changes ethnicities quicker than I change my clothes when I hear police sirens, Joe Merrick gets my vote. This man has done it all this year: Satires, Weekly Show Reviews, TWF Radio, and maybe even touched a boobie. I know how hard it is to write a weekly column, and still keep it funny – that’s why I don’t do it anymore. However, Joe Merrick has persevered through adversity, much like America persevered after the attacks on September 11th. (And much like how Joe’s father persevered when the government came at him with a federal indictment, as well.) GOD BLESS AMERRICKA!

Oh, also, on top of your Fanny Award, I present you with something even MORE valuable… this will get you 8 cigarettes in prison:

British Bullfrog: Joe Merrick, nobody has contributed as frequently and is as consistently funny.

Remy: He’s been consistent in quality and quantity. The site would not have been nearly as good this past year without him, whereas it was just fine without me. Kudos to Joe on some hilarious gimmicks as well. He’s remained innovative even when producing a weekly piece.

Anvil's Swagbag: Right, it's gonna have to be Joe. I have a lot of respect for a guy who has to write week in, week out and can consistantly make you laugh, so props to Cameron and Gersh too. But Joe's Sour 25 was absolutely hilarious. Plus, the guy is as consistantly funny to talk to away from the site too. I'll let him off for bitching me out because the guy brings the funny. He helps with the radio stuff, he even gave me a chance to recap for a while!...So I vote Mr Merrick, even if he is a lazy fuck. Wanna stick up for yourself Joe?

Joe:-....

Yeah, thats what I thought.

Canadian Bacon: Since Jim Merrick is leaving, I think this means he should pass this bigtime gauntlet down to the Baconman. Like Vince McMahon says, You have do the right thing for the business that made you! Don't make me screw you Joe Merrick (Not with my dink. But if that means I get my RIGHTFUL award I'll think about it.). Vote Bacon for true real life legit Writer of the Year!

On that note, we'll see you next year!

Click HERE to send Feedback, opinions, ideas, or nude photos of your wives and/or girlfriends.

2007, Here we cum.